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Quotes for
Sgt. Floyd Pepper (Character)
from "The Muppet Show" (1976)

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The Muppet Movie (1979)
[Kermit and the Muppets arrive in Hollywood]
Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermie, look, it's wonderful. Like a dream come true.
Kermit: Well, don't count your tadpoles until they've hatched, I still have to audition, you know.
Floyd Pepper: Hey, there ain't nothin' to it but to do it!
Lord's Secretary: [closes the door] And where do you think you're going?
Kermit: Oh, hi there. We're here to audition for Lew Lord.
Lord's Secretary: You just can't walk in here off the street you know, especially with all these animals.
Kermit: Animals? Wh-What's wrong with animals?
[Muppets mutter indignantly but indistinctly]
Lord's Secretary: This is a movie studio, not a zoo. Besides...
[sneezes]
Lord's Secretary: ...I'm allergic to animal hair. Now get along all of you.
Kermit: Now wait a second, miss. I may not be one of your fancy Hollywood frogs, but I deserve a chance, and we're going to stay right here in this office until you let us in to see Lew Lord. Aren't we, gang?
[the Muppets shout "Yes" indistinctly]
Lord's Secretary: [on the phone] Security, Miss Tracey. I want to report a...
[the Muppets shake their fur, causing the secretary to sneeze convulsively until she finally opens the office door]

[the members of The Electric Mayhem are introducing themselves one by one]
Zoot: I'm, uh, uhh...
Floyd Pepper: Zoot. Sax is your axe. Uh-oh, Zoot skipped a groove again.

[Animal roars and scares Kermit and Fozzie]
Floyd Pepper: Oh, yeah, that's Animal. Show 'em what you do, Animal.
Animal: I want to - eat drums!
[chews on a cymbal]
Dr. Teeth: No, no. Beat drums, beat drums!
Animal: [stops chewing] Beat drums! Beat drums!
[Starts beating his head against that same cymbal]
Floyd Pepper: Down, Animal!
Animal: DOWN!
Floyd Pepper: Back!
Animal: BACK!
Floyd Pepper: Sit!
Animal: SIT!

Kermit: What's happening?
Floyd Pepper: At the moment, *we're* what's happenin'.

Floyd Pepper: What in the name of Fats Waller is that?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: A four foot prune!

Floyd Pepper: [about the Insta-Grow pills] What else do these pills make big?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Oh, they'll work on anything, but the effect is, sadly, temporary.
Beaker: Sadly temporary.

Floyd Pepper: We am, is, are, and be, they whom as are known as: The Electric Mayhem!

Animal: IR-RI-TA-TED! IR-RI-TA-TED!
Kermit: Don't worry, Animal, your big scene is coming up.
Floyd Pepper: Yeah, just be cool and eat another seat cushion.
Animal: SEAT CUSHION!
[rips off some upholstery and stuffing at the corner of his chair and eats it]

Floyd Pepper: Yeah, the road manager. We couldn't go anywhere without him.
Fozzie: He's the man with the contacts?
Dr. Teeth: No, he's the man with the van.


"The Muppet Show: Don Knotts (#2.1)" (1977)
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: Okay, green thing. The band has asked me to have a word with you.
Kermit the Frog: Yeah?
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: I refer, specifically to the closing number.
Fozzie Bear: Oh, boy.
Kermit the Frog: Uh, well, I tell you, this is not my fault this time. See, because Fozzie Bear is helping me plan tonight's show, and he was the one that wanted the band to play "Lullaby of Birdland.'' That was Fozzie.
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: So, this is the bear's doing, huh?
Kermit the Frog: You bet.
Fozzie Bear: Oh, hi, Floyd. Uh, isn't "Lullaby of Birdland" all right?
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: All right? Hey, it's terrific!
Fozzie Bear: It is?
Kermit the Frog: It is?
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: Yeah. "Lullaby of Birdland" is a jazz classic. At last we have some decent music on this gig.
Fozzie Bear: [to Kermit] Ha!
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: Yeah, "Lullaby of Birdland." Why isn't the bear running things around here?
Fozzie Bear: Yeah. Why isn't the bear running things around here?
Kermit the Frog: Yeah, why isn't the frog auditioning new comedians?
Fozzie Bear: Why isn't the bear keeping his mouth shut.

Sgt. Floyd Pepper: Hey, Fozzie, my fuzzy!
Fozzie Bear: Hey, Floyd!
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: Everything is everything.
Fozzie Bear: Whatever.

Kermit the Frog: Floyd, Floyd, it's time to do "Lullaby of Birdland."
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: Ohh, yeah. Speaking of which, uh, since I'm playing vibes in this number, we're gonna need another player for the bass.
Kermit the Frog: Floyd, how can I find a bass player now? You're on.
Fozzie Bear: Hey, Kermit, no problem! I have already found the perfect bass player. Floyd, you just go out there and start cookin' baby.
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: Ah, yeah, my bear. I knew you were a gas.
Fozzie Bear: Yes, all right! And I will introduce this number for my hip brothers, green stuff. He-hey!
Kermit the Frog: The, uh, bear has wigged out.

Sgt. Floyd Pepper: What in the pluperfect past tense was that?
Don Knotts: Lullaby of Birdland, man!
Dr. Teeth: Oh yeah? Well, it sounds like the bird died.

Sgt. Floyd Pepper: Me and the band just took another vote because of what happened in the Birdland number.
Fozzie Bear: Yeah?
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: You have been officially and permanently de-shaded. Take off the peepholes.
Fozzie Bear: Oh, no.
Don Knotts: Don't worry, Fozzie. Always remember: square is beautiful.
Fozzie Bear: You bet.
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: I'll see that bet and raise you five.


The Great Muppet Caper (1981)
Kermit: How are we supposed to cut through the bars if nobody brought stuff to cut with?
Floyd: I brought some hot mustard, maybe that will eat through the bars.

[going over the checklist]
Fozzie: Peanut butter?
Floyd: Animal ate it.
Animal: Sorry!

Kermit: Now, we're about to embark on a potentially dangerous mission. There could be physical violence, there could be gunplay, and there is the slightest chance that somebody might even get killed. So if anybody wants out, now is the time to say it.
Floyd: I'm out.
Rowlf: Me too.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Ditto.
Beaker: Meep meep.
Zoot: Hey, don't we have a gig around here, or something, or somewhere?
Pops: Sorry, I got a dental appointment.
Janice: It's like this, Kermit, I have to go to work all day...
[everyone starts talking at once]
Fozzie: [shouting] Hold it!
[everyone stops talking]
Fozzie: Shame on you! I thought we were in this thing together. I'm just as scared as you are, but this has to be done! We don't want the bad guys to win. We gotta do this f-f-for justice! For freedom! For honesty!


A Muppet Family Christmas (1987) (TV)
Floyd: There's Miss Hamhock when she was just a little sausage roll.

Floyd: [seeing Miss Piggy arriving with Doc] Yeah, and she don't look bad... for a pig.

Emily 'Ma' Bear: I'm afraid we're running out of room. Two of you will have to sleep on hangers on a hook on the wall.
Gonzo: What a fabulous idea!
Animal: Love hanger! Love hanger!
[laughs]
Floyd: That's the only way Animal ever sleeps, ma'am.


"The Muppet Show: Pearl Bailey (#3.5)" (1978)
Floyd: [wearing a suit of armor] Oh, my little green friend. You have much indeed to learn about today's slang.
Kermit: How do you mean, Floyd?
Floyd: Well, when I said I wanted to get into something heavy for the final number, Sir Knight of the Iron wasn't it.

Floyd: I mean, why cast me? This knight business is an actor's gig. I am a musician, remember?
Kermit: Well, Floyd, I wanted you to play the knight because you fit the part, you see. You're the only one of us with real gallantry. The only one of us with real honor.
Scooter: The only one of us who'd fit in that iron suit.
Kermit: Scooter, I needed that like I need a broken leg!
Floyd: Okay, you need a broken leg, I'll fall on you again.

Kermit: Now listen. This is a great chance for you. Besides, in the same jousting scene, you get to fight the Black Knight.
Floyd: Who is the Black Knight?
Kermit: Well, that's part of the fun. You see, no one will know. It's kept a complete and absolute mystery.
[the Black Knight enters, sporting a distinctive hook-nosed helmet]
The Great Gonzo: The world will forever wonder who I am!
Kermit: Though some may harbor suspicions.


Muppets Most Wanted (2014)
Miss Piggy: Ich bin ein berliner.
Floyd Pepper: More like "Ein frankfurter".

[Fozzie climbs on top of Floyd Pepper]
Floyd Pepper: Hey, watch the hair, bear!


"The Muppets.: The Ex-Factor (#1.6)" (2015)
Floyd Pepper: [to Dr. Teeth] You think the whole world revolves around you, but it doesn't. It revolves around the moon, and that's why we have winter!

Kristin Chenoweth: Where's your dad's house?
Floyd Pepper: Who's asking?
Kristin Chenoweth: I am.
Floyd Pepper: That checks out. Well, I wouldn't exactly call my dad's place a house. He dynamited a hole in the desert and drove an old school bus into it.
Lips: He's just sitting there all day, playing cards with a bunch of stuffed jack-a-rabbits.


The Muppets Take Manhattan (1984)
Rizzo the Rat: [Rizzo walks by with a plate of food] Gangway! Coming through! Hey Watch it, will ya?
Fozzie Bear: Hey, that waiter's a rat!
Floyd: I'm glad we got no money, now I got no appetite.

Rizzo the Rat: Ok, what'll ya have?
Floyd: The number for The Board Of Health!


"The Muppet Show: Lou Rawls (#2.15)" (1977)
Lou Rawls: Animal, you know, you play the drums so good. I mean you take the sticks and you really lay down some great percussion!
Animal: Percussion! Wha!
Floyd: Uh, Lou, you sort of have to consider Animal as your basic primitive man. You have to know how to talk to him.
Lou Rawls: Oh, yeah? Well, how do you tell a guy like that that his work with the sticks is *down*? He can really put some soul in the bowl, you know what I'm saying?
Floyd: Oh, yeah, well, that's easy. Animal! Good drummer!
Animal: Good drummer, good drummer, good drummer.
[Animal rubs up against Floyd like a cat]
Lou Rawls: Well, let me ask you this: you see I've got this long road trip coming up, and I'm short a drummer. You think he'd be interested?
Floyd: Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
Lou Rawls: Why not, man? The cat's good.
Floyd: Aw, you couldn't get a long enough chain!
Animal: Chain! Chain!
[Animal chews on his chain]
Lou Rawls: Come on, Floyd. Just let me discuss it with him man to man, okay?
Floyd: Man to man? This dude don't know Animal! Okay Lou, there's his chain, but let me ask just one favor.
Lou Rawls: Yeah, baby?
Floyd: Don't let him chase any cars.
Lou Rawls: Don't let him chase any *cars*?
Animal: Car!
[Animal chases after the car, dragging Lou with him]


"The Muppet Show: Lynn Redgrave (#3.23)" (1979)
Kermit: Gonzo's trying to get himself killed.
Floyd: Yeah, but he won't make it. He never succeeds at anything. Best he can hope for is maimed.


"The Muppet Show: Rudolf Nureyev (#2.13)" (1978)
Dr. Teeth: Hey. What's this bummer called again?
Floyd: Minuet in G Major.
Dr. Teeth: Huh. They ought to send it back to the minors.


"The Muppet Show: Danny Kaye (#3.16)" (1978)
[Floyd and Janice are sitting in the theater box where Waldorf and Statler usually sit]
Floyd Pepper: Every show, Statler and Waldorf sit up here, show after show after show. I think I see why.
Janice: You see why they come?
Floyd Pepper: No, I see why they left.


The Muppet Show: Sex and Violence (1975) (TV)
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: Can you believe this cat?
Sam The Eagle: I am not a cat, I am a bird.
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: You may be a bird, but you ain't the bird.


The Muppets' Wizard of Oz (2005) (TV)
Floyd Pepper: [referring to the Electric Mayhem bus] Hey, man. We've been riding in this same lousy bus since 1978!


Muppet Treasure Island (1996)
Zoot: Hey man, I can't figure out what side we're on. Are we with the pirates or the frog captain?
Floyd: Oh, hey, man. Just play the gig. Never get involved in politics.
Animal: Politics! Politics!