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Quotes for
Statler (Character)
from "The Muppet Show" (1976)

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"The Muppet Show: Milton Berle (#2.3)" (1977)
Statler: Hey, Berle.
Milton Berle: What?
Statler: You know what? I've just figured out your style.
Milton Berle: Really?
Waldorf: You work like Gregory Peck.
Milton Berle: Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
Waldorf: Well...
Milton Berle: Now, just a minute. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
Waldorf: How come we got this half?

Milton Berle: Look, did you come here to be entertained or not?
Statler: That's right.
Milton Berle: What's right?
Statler: We came in here to be entertained, and we're not.
Milton Berle: I'd like to see *you* come down here and be funny.
Waldorf: You first!

Milton Berle: I dare you both to come down here to entertain.
Waldorf: Yeah, we should.
Milton Berle: Do you sing?
Waldorf: No.
Milton Berle: Do you dance?
Statler: No.
Milton Berle: Do you get laughs?
Waldorf: No.
Milton Berle: Then what would you do?
Waldorf: Just what you're doing!

Waldorf: There's something wrong with this hearing aid.
Statler: Yeah, what's wrong?
Waldorf: I can't hear it.
[accidentally knocks it off the balcony]
Statler: Oh, no wonder! It's too far away.

Waldorf: Well, I finally got my hearing aid working.
Statler: Hmm? Speak up, my hearing aid's not working!
Waldorf: Huh?

Statler: Hey, Berle!
Milton Berle: Yes, what is it?
Statler: You know what you're doing wrong?
Milton Berle: What am I doing wrong?
Statler: You're standing too close to the audience!
Milton Berle: Oh, yeah? How's this?
Statler: You're *still* too close.
Milton Berle: Oh, sorry. Is this okay?
Statler: A little more.
Milton Berle: How far back do you want me to go?
Statler: You got a car?

Milton Berle: You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
Waldorf: Please, not while I'm holding it!
Milton Berle: That's pretty funny.
Waldorf: Ah, you could use it.
Milton Berle: I can use it. I don't need your material, pal. I've got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
Statler: Yeah, how come they never reach your mouth?

The Muppets (2011)
[from trailer]
Statler: Is this movie in 3-D?
Waldorf: Nope! The Muppets are as one-dimensional as they've always been!

Statler: I always dreamed we'd be back here.
Waldorf: Dreams? Those were nightmares!

[Waldorf finishes explaining the contract]
Statler: If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were reciting some sort of important plot point.
Waldorf: I hope so. Otherwise I would've bored half the audience half to death.
Statler: You mean half the audience is still alive?

Jack Black: I'm being held captive by these weirdos!
Statler: Now you know how we've felt for the last forty years.

Statler: [the door opens] There, now this here is Kermit the Frog's old office.
Waldorf: Or so we've been 'toad'.
[Statler and Waldorf chuckle]

Statler: [the door opens, Statler, Waldorf, Uncle Deadly, Bobo the Bear, and Tex Richman enter the room] There, now this here is Kermit the Frog's old office.
Waldorf: Or so we've been 'toad'.
[Statler and Waldorf chuckle]
Tex Richman: Well, as you know, gentlemen, I've loved the Muppets since I was a boy.
Uncle Deadly, Bobo: Mm-hmm.
Tex Richman: And what better way to honor the Muppets than to make this beautiful studio a Muppet museum.
[Walter gasps while hiding underneath a table]
Tex Richman: I think I'll call this room the "Kermit the Frog's Old Office Room".
Uncle Deadly: Oh, good one, Mr. Richman.
Bobo: Oh, that is lovely.
Waldorf: Now, ahem, this here is the standard "Rich and Famous" contract Kermit signed 30 years ago that contains...
Tex Richman: The deed to this property.
Waldorf: Exactly.
Waldorf: Now, this contract is 100 percent iron-clad, with one minor exception: if the Muppets can raise the $10 million it would cost to buy the building before this contract expires, then they get their studio back.
Statler: You know, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were reciting some sort of an important plot point.
Waldorf: Well, I hope so; otherwise I just bored the audience half to death.
Statler: You mean half the audience is still alive?
[Statler and Waldorf chuckle]
Waldorf: It's nice doing business with you.
Statler: Yes, sir. Come on.
Waldorf: Good-bye.
Bobo: [to Uncle Deadly] I love geriatric humor.

"The Muppet Show: Juliet Prowse (#1.1)" (1977)
Statler: The question is, what is a muh-nah-muh-nah?
Waldorf: The question is, who cares?

Waldorf: He's doing it! He's eating a tire!
Statler: Amazing!
Waldorf: Astounding!
Statler: Boooor-ing!

Waldorf: She just vanished! How did she do that?
Statler: Probably like this.
Waldorf: Yep, that's probably how she did it.

Waldorf: More! More!
Statler: Less! Less!

Statler: Hey, Waldorf, I was wondering if maybe you...
[continues to move his lips]
Waldorf: Darn, I'd better get some new batteries for my hearing aid.
Statler: Ha ha ha! I fool him every time!
[Waldorf punches Statler in the jaw]

Waldorf: Well, what did you think?
Statler: Beats sitting around watching television.
Mahna Mahna: Mahna Mahna!

"The Muppet Show: Gilda Radner (#3.4)" (1978)
Statler: Why did they want the igloo?
Waldorf: I don't know. Maybe somebody must have broken their ig.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: There. I have just placed on Gilda's forehead a single, teensy, weensy drop of Muppet's new super adhesive. Now we'll wait a moment for it to get tacky.
Statler: What are we waiting for?
Waldorf: For it to get tacky.
Statler: Another first for this show.
Waldorf: How's that?
Statler: It's the first time we've had to wait for it to get tacky.

Waldorf: Well, that must be the glue, all right.
Statler: Well, what glue is that?
Waldorf: The one they mend the ig with.

Statler: Good night!
Waldorf: So long!
[they suddenly notice that their hands are stuck to the railings of their box seats]
Statler, Waldorf: Oh, no!
[struggle to get unstuck]

Statler: You know, usually, operetta music puts me right to sleep.
[sees Waldorf asleep]
Statler: You too, huh?

"The Muppet Show: Rudolf Nureyev (#2.13)" (1978)
Statler: You know, the older I get, the more I appreciate good music.
Waldorf: Yeah? What's that got to do with what we just heard?
Statler: Nothing, just thought I'd mention it.

Statler: You know, there's nothing like grand opera.
Waldorf: Yep, and that was nothing like it.

Statler: That really offended me. I'm a student of Shakespeare.
Waldorf: Ha! You were a student *with* Shakespeare.

Statler: Now wasn't that a cultural show?
[sees Waldorf asleep]

Statler: Boy, he's really good, that Rudolf Nureyay... Nurayeye... You know, I should really learn to pronounce his name.
Waldorf: Don't bother now. After this show, he'll probably change it!
[both laugh]

Muppet*vision 3-D (1991)
Waldorf: Hey, hey, what's going on?
Sweetums: Bean Bunny ran away!
Statler: Well, you know what that makes him...
Waldorf, Statler: SMARTER THAN US!

Statler: Well, what do you think?
Waldorf: Do we have time to go to the bathroom before the next show?
Statler: We can't. We're bolted to the seats!

[first lines]
Statler: Hey, Waldorf, what is this anyway?
Waldorf: Oh, it's one of those 3-D movies. Better put on your glasses.
[Statler does so]
Statler: [looking at the audience] Hey, check out the guy in the Goofy mask.
Waldorf: That's no mask.
Statler: Ooops. Sorry, lady!

Statler: Oh, no, it's that bear again.
Waldorf: Hey, bear, you're not even funny in 3-D!
[they laugh]
Fozzie Bear: Oh, no, not you guys. How'd you get here?
Statler: We entered a contest.
Waldorf: Yeah. We lost!

Statler: [Bean is reunited with the other Muppets] This is a very moving moment.
Waldorf: Yeah. I wish they'd move it to Pittsburgh.

"The Muppet Show: Connie Stevens (#1.2)" (1977)
[guest star Connie Stevens has just finished singing "Close to You"]
Waldorf: I'd like to get close to Connie Stevens. But I'm already close to something else.
Statler: What's that?
Waldorf: Ninety.

Statler: I love it! I love it!
Waldorf: Of course he loves it; he's the kind of guy who plants poison ivy.

Statler: [after Connie Stevens sings 'Teenager In Love'] How poignant, I remember being a teenager in love.
Waldorf: Yeah, but Queen Victoria wouldn't have you.

Statler: You think this show is educational?
Waldorf: Yes, it will drive people to read books.

"The Muppet Show: Joel Grey (#1.3)" (1976)
Waldorf: The show's speeding along very quickly this evening.
Statler: Oh yes, someone must have told them it's harder to hit a moving target.

Waldorf: More! More!
Statler: [softly] No, not so loud! They may hear you!

Waldorf: [after "Wilkommen"] Another star in the tradition of the late great Boris Klinger.
Statler: Boris Klinger? Why, you old fool! Boris Klinger was the worst music hall act to ever step onto the stage!
Waldorf: In your opinion, maybe, but more than 2,000 people attended his final performance.
Statler: Yes, yes. Half of them brought the tar and the rest brought the feathers!

Waldorf: [Kermit complained about what a dull guest Joel is] Dull, my foot; why, that young man's one of the all-time greats! You hear me? One of the greats!
Statler: Well, you'll get no argument from me on that.
Waldorf: That may be the first time we ever agreed on anything in our lives.
Statler: No, we once agreed in the summer of 1912.
Waldorf: What was that?
Statler: We agreed that Kaiser Bill looked silly in a hat! Remember?
Waldorf: [laughs] No.

A Muppet Family Christmas (1987) (TV)
Statler: We'd *love* to see your act.
Waldorf: But we'd hate to *miss* your act.
Statler: In fact, we'd love to *hate* your act!
[they cackle]

Snowman: Hey Fozzie.
Fozzie Bear: Yes, Mr. Snowman?
Snowman: Did you hear about the church that burned down?
Statler, Waldorf: Holy smoke!
[they cackle]

Statler: Well, you know what they say...
Waldorf: If you can't stand the heat, get outta the farmhouse!
[they laugh]

Statler: These two comics were made for each other.
Waldorf: Hm?
Statler: The snowman's ice cold, and the bear's not so hot!
[they laugh]

"The Muppet Show: Zero Mostel (#2.2)" (1977)
Waldorf: You know, I'm really going to enjoy tonight!
Statler: You plan to like this show?
Waldorf: [pulling out a television set] No, I plan to watch television!

Waldorf: [as he and Statler watch something on a TV in their balcony seats] What's the name of this movie?
Statler: "Beach Blanket Frankenstein".
Waldorf: Awful.
Statler: Terrible film!
Waldorf: Yeah, well, we could watch "The Muppet Show" instead.
[they peek up over the TV and look out at the stage, then return to the TV, shaking their heads]
Statler: Wonderful.
Waldorf: Terrific film!

Statler: [as he and Waldorf watch the TV] Let's switch channels, this show is dull.
Waldorf: You bet.
[they do so]
Statler: What is THAT?
Waldorf: It looks like two ancient old guys sitting in a theater box watching television.
Statler: That's crazy! No one would watch junk like that!

Statler: [as he and Waldorf continue to watch TV] Well, what do you think of television?
[Waldorf reaches out to change the channel, only to get zapped as static is heard on the TV]
Statler: Shocking, isn't it?

"The Muppet Show: George Burns (#2.10)" (1977)
Statler: Well, there it is. Your basic Latin number.
Waldorf: Actually, that's your basic Pig Latin number.

Waldorf: How do they do it?
Statler: How do *we watch* it?
Waldorf: *Why* do we watch it?
Statler: [to audience] Why do *you* watch it?

Statler: [reacting to the Luncheon Counter Monster eating a machine] Disgusting! Ever see eating like that?
Waldorf: Sure.
Statler: Where?
Waldorf: Thanksgiving dinner with my in-laws.

Statler: Can you sing tenor?
Waldorf: What?
Statler: Can you sing tenor, as in ten or eleven miles away from here?

"The Muppet Show: Lesley Ann Warren (#3.15)" (1979)
Gonzo: [seated on a motorcycle, about to perform a motorcycle stunt] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This evening, I will perform a feat of lunatic daring. Before your very eyes, I will ride this motorcycle up this ramp and jump directly into...
[looks up at Waldorf and Statler's theater box]
Gonzo: ... THAT box, landing safely between those two elderly gentlemen.
Waldorf, Statler: [looking at each other; alarmed] What!
Gonzo: Oh, I can assure you, you'll be in no danger.
Statler: You're right.
Waldorf: We'll be in Chicago!

Kermit the Frog: And now, for the second time this evening, the Great Gonzo will attempt a motorcycle jump off of this stage into that box up there, landing safely between those two elderly gentlemen!
Statler: We're not afraid. We know Gonzo!
Waldorf: If at first you don't succeed, fail, fail again!

[Gonzo's motorcycle from earlier is still in Waldorf and Statler's theater box, teetering on the edge]
Waldorf: You know, this show is beginning to roll.
Statler: So is the motorbike.
[the motorcycle falls out of the box]

Muppets Most Wanted (2014)
Rowlf the Dog: [On the sign in German] Die Muppets?
Waldorf: It looks like the reviews are out early.
Statler: Or maybe that's the suggestion box.

[Miss Piggy does the Macarena]
Statler: I don't believe it! They've managed the impossible! What an achievement! Bravo, bravo!
Waldorf: What, you mean you actually like this show now?
Statler: No, they've made the show even worse!

[first lines]
Film Crew: And cut!
Walter: Wow, that was so amazing!
Kermit: Walter, you did a wonderful job.
Walter: Thank you, Kermit. Did we get that?
Miss Piggy: We got it.
Kermit: We got it, yup.
Film Crew: [speaks into bullhorn] Movie's over, people, go home. That is a wrap.
Scooter: Okay, nice work, everyone. Make sure to fill out your I-9's, and we'll see you on the next one.
Scooter: [crew leaves the set] So uh, what do we do now?
Fozzie Bear: Well, we're together again. We got the theater and all our fans are back.
Rowlf the Dog: Actually, those were extras.
Fozzie Bear: I saw a few tapping their toes.
Scooter: Yeah, those were paid dancers.
Fozzie Bear: Oh.
Miss Piggy: Or, maybe since we're all here, now could be the perfect time for you and me to tie the knot, Kermie.
Kermit: [stammering] Well... I mean, maybe I could-...
Walter: Hey, what's the camera still doing here?
Statler: Oh no, disaster! That can only mean one thing!
Waldorf: Doggone it, you're right.
Statler: Mm-hmm.
Waldorf: It looks like they've ordered a sequel.
Statler, Waldorf: Doh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

"The Muppet Show: Paul Williams (#1.8)" (1976)
Waldorf: Eh, this show is good for what ails me.
Statler: Well, what ails ya?
Waldorf: Insomnia.

Waldorf: Science, huh? They can put a man on the moon...
Statler: Yeah, but they can't put a moon on a man!

Waldorf: [responding to Paul Williams doing "Old Fashioned Love Song"] He's a credit to his race.
Statler: What race is that?
Waldorf: The hundred-yard dash.

"The Muppet Show: Kenny Rogers (#4.10)" (1979)
[Statler is wearing a hard hat]
Waldorf: What's the hard hat for?
Statler: I want to be ready in case they start throwing pigs at us again!
[they both laugh]

Statler: [in response to the second Muppet News Flash] Do they sell insurance for this show?

Statler: Did you see that?
Waldorf: Yes, the frog is certainly taking a beating on this show.
Statler: It's hard to feel sorry for him. We take a beating EVERY show!
[they both laugh]

"The Muppet Show: James Coco (#3.12)" (1978)
Waldorf: That seemed like something very different.
Statler: Did you like it?
Waldorf: No.
Statler: Than it wasn't different.

Waldorf: What was that?
Statler: It's called the medium sketch.
Waldorf: The medium sketch?
Statler: Yeah, it wasn't rare, and it certainly wasn't well done.

Waldorf: Well, shall we leave?
Statler: Why should we leave now? The worst part's over.
[they both laugh]

"The Muppet Show: Jaye P. Morgan (#2.18)" (1978)
Statler: I wonder if anybody watches this show besides us?
[sees Waldorf asleep]
Statler: Besides me?

Fozzie Bear: Hey, Kermit wants me to do the next introduction.
Statler: Oh yeah?
Waldorf: Well, he's the only one who does!
Fozzie Bear: Hey, c'mon, guys, no heckling! I mean, I'm not even out here to tell jokes.
Statler: Have you ever been?
Fozzie Bear: Heeey, you know that the bear is funny.
Waldorf: You're right. In fact, I never enjoyed you more than I did last week.
Fozzie Bear: But I didn't do an act last week.
Waldorf: I rest my case.
[they both laugh]

Fozzie Bear: Ladies and gentlemen, here is Gonzo the Great, with a trumpet solo: "Flight of the Bumblebee".
Statler: That does it, I'm leaving.

"The Muppet Show: Lou Rawls (#2.15)" (1977)
Statler: I loved tonight's show!
Waldorf: Really?
Statler: Of course not. I just wanted to see if I could say it.
[they both laugh]

[Fozzie is doing a joke while on roller skates]
Waldorf: Hey, this is a great way for Fozzie to do his material.
Statler: Yeah, a moving target is harder to hit.

Statler: That Lou Rawls is one fantastic singer.
Waldorf: Well, so am I! Hey, you want to hear me sing?
Statler: Only if you sing solo.
Waldorf: Solo?
Statler: So low I can't hear!

The Great Muppet Caper (1981)
Statler: I guess all's well that ends well.
Waldorf: Doesn't matter to me, as long as it ends.

Statler: Hey, Waldorf. Wake up. Here come the bikinis!
Waldorf: Oh, boy! We better synchronize our pacemakers.

[Statler and Waldorf are watching a fashion show]
Statler: Nice lines!
Waldorf: Yeah! And the dresses aren't bad either!

"The Muppet Show: Bernadette Peters (#2.12)" (1977)
Waldorf: Wow! Wonderful! Wonderful! That Bernadette Peters is terrific!
Statler: Well, I reserve judgment.
Waldorf: 'Til when?
Statler: 'Til the pig tells me what to say.
[Miss Piggy appears behind them]
Miss Piggy: Bernadette Peters you can like.
Statler: I loved her! I loved her!
Miss Piggy: [suddenly angry] It's the mouse you gotta hate!
Statler: I hated her!
Waldorf: Terrible mouse!
Statler: That was rotten!
Waldorf: Boo!
Statler: Boo!

Statler: Seriously, what did you think of Miss Mousey?
Waldorf: I loved her.
Statler: Me, too.
Miss Piggy: [appearing behind them] What!
Statler, Waldorf: [startled] No, we didn't!
Miss Piggy: Thank you.

Sam The Eagle: [Sam has concluded telling the story of the Ant and The Grasshopper where the Ant got stepped on and the Grasshopper drove to Florida] Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait that was not in the script. Someone changed it we'll have to do it again oh.
[Sam puts head down on the book]
Statler: The Grasshopper drove to Florida.
Waldorf: The Ant got stepped on.
[They both laugh and Sam pops in to yell at them]
Sam The Eagle: [Angry] Will you stop that?
[Sam leaves]
Waldorf: Why are they picking on us tonight?

The Muppet Movie (1979)
[first lines]
Statler: I'm Statler.
Waldorf: I'm Waldorf. We're here to heckle "The Muppet Movie".
Gate Guard: Gentlemen, that's straight ahead. Private screening room D.
Statler: Private screening?
Waldorf: Yeah, they're afraid to show it in public.
[they laugh as their car proceeds forward]

Statler: I like the movie fine so far.
Waldorf: It hasn't started yet.
Statler: That's what I like about it.
[they laugh]

Statler: Well, how do you like the film?
Waldorf: I've seen detergents leave a better film than this.
[they laugh]

"The Muppet Show: Vincent Price (#1.19)" (1977)
Statler: That number scared the pants off of me.
Waldorf: Are you sure you didn't just forget to put them on again?

Statler: Vincent Price is the most wonderfully scary actor since Thudge McGerk.
Waldorf: Heh! Thudge McGerk, I'll never forget him, His last film was Phantom of the Soap Opera.
Statler: Yeah, After that, he went berserk. They say he still haunts theatres around the world.
Waldorf: Three eyes, green hair, long orange horns and big, long ugly fangs. Horrible man, Horrible.
[Thudge McGerk suddenly shows up between Statler and Waldorf]
Statler: No!
[jumps out of his balcony seat and lands on the floor]
Waldorf: Listen, on your way back up, bring some popcorn.
[Incoherent babbling]
Waldorf: With butter.
Thudge McGerk: Ha!

Statler: Vincent Price is the most wonderfully scary actor since Thudge McGerk.
Waldorf: Heh! Thudge McGerk, I'll never forget him, His last film was Phantom of the Soap Opera.
Statler: Yeah, After that, he went berserk. They say he still haunts theatres around the world.
Waldorf: Three eyes, green hair, long orange horns and big, long ugly fangs. Horrible man, Horrible.
Statler: No!
[jumps out of his balcony seat and lands on the floor]
Waldorf: Listen, on your way back up, bring some popcorn.
Thudge McGerk: [Incoherent gibberish]
Waldorf: With butter.
Thudge McGerk: Ha!

"The Muppet Show: Don Knotts (#2.1)" (1977)
Statler: This show is awful!
Waldorf: Terrible!
Statler: Disgusting!
Waldorf: See you next week?
Statler: Of course.

Statler: I know what's wrong with this show.
Waldorf: What?
Statler: It's the theater.
Waldorf: What's wrong with it?
Statler: The seats face the stage!

[the Swedish Chef tried to make fishie chowder]
Waldorf: [groaning] Ohh...
Statler: What's wrong with you?
Waldorf: It's either this show or indigestion. I hope it's indigestion.
Statler: Why?
Waldorf: It'll get better in a little while.

"The Muppet Show: Jim Nabors (#1.6)" (1976)
Waldorf: Pay up, they made it through another one.
Statler: Double or nothing, next week's show?
Waldorf: You're on.

Waldorf: [in response to Fozzie's monologue] Hey, hey, hey! It's that silly bear!
Statler: Time for the audience to go elsewhere!

Kermit the Frog: Here we are, moving right along now, the comedy star of our show, the man who comes to us direct from a very long engagement, but a very short marriage, the man who thinks that Elton John is a singing bathroom, I'd like to bring out one of the top comics of the business...
Statler: Yeah, since he's not here, bring out the regular guy!
Kermit the Frog: Okay, here he is now, our very own barrel of g, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
Fozzie Bear: [coming out onstage] Thank you, thank you! Time for fun with Fozzie Bear! Here's some jokes from everywhere!

"The Muppet Show: Madeline Kahn (#2.9)" (1977)
Statler: We got our money's worth tonight.
Waldorf: But we paid nothing.
Statler: That's what we got!

[the Swedish Chef had tried to put a lobster in a pot, only for it to be saved by a bunch of gun-toting lobster banditos]
Statler: You know, I think they were trying to make a point with that sketch.
Waldorf: What's the point?
Statler: You're right. Forget it.

Statler: [about the Pigs In Space sketch] You know, that was almost funny.
Waldorf: They better be careful, they'll spoil a perfect record.

"The Muppet Show: Teresa Brewer (#2.22)" (1977)
Statler: [responding to the Muppets performing "Cotton Fields"] I can remember when cotton was king.
Waldorf: You can remember when Arthur was king.

[after performing a frantic version of "Wild Thing" with his drum set, Animal gets dragged offstage with nets]
Waldorf: I wonder where they took him?
Statler: Well, wherever it is, I'll bet it's more fun than here.

Statler: [about the Muppet Labs segment] That was great, fantastic!
Waldorf: Meh, didn't like it.
Statler: Oh, what would you know, you old fool?
Waldorf: Don't call me an old fool, or I'll give you the evil eye!
Statler: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm scared! I'm scared!
[Waldorf stares at him with one eye bulging out, shocking him into submission]
Waldorf: [to the viewers] I warned him!

"The Muppet Show: Julie Andrews (#2.17)" (1977)
[Gonzo was playing "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik" on the bagpipes while sitting atop a 10 foot flagpole]
Waldorf: Maybe he should quit while he's ahead.
Statler: Gonzo should quit while he's alive.

[Julie Andrews performs "The Lonely Goatherd" with the Muppets]
Waldorf: Hurray! Bravo! I loved the goat!
Statler: You would!
Statler: The old goat.

"The Muppet Show: Harvey Korman (#1.10)" (1976)
Waldorf: The show didn't exactly lay an egg.
Chicken: Bawk.
Statler: Wanna bet?

Statler: Well, that's better than opening it with a bang.
[Crazy Harry then appears]
Crazy Harry: Heheheheheh! Did somebody say "bang"?
Waldorf: No!
[they punch Harry in the face]
Crazy Harry: Well, you can't win 'em all.
[they punch him again]

A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa (2008) (TV)
Waldorf: [as the Muppets are dropped off by the postman] Look at what the post office sent.
Statler: Yeah. Return to sender!

Statler: This is my favorite Christmas tradition.
Waldorf: Carolers?
Statler: No, heckling them!
[both laugh]
Statler: Hey, how about you do Silent Night?
Waldorf: Not sing it, just stay silent all night!

"The Muppet Show: Liberace (#3.9)" (1978)
Waldorf: Greek music, very appropriate for the pigs.
Statler: The pigs are from Greece?
Waldorf: The pigs are greasy.

Statler: Finally, we've seen them do a good show.
Waldorf: Good. Can we please stop coming now?

"Disneyland: The Muppets at Walt Disney World (#34.23)" (1990)
Fozzie Bear: That's what we call a Disney joke.
Statler: No, that's what we call a dismal joke.
Fozzie Bear: Oh, please guys, stop trying to make a fool of me!
Waldorf: You don't need our help for that.
Fozzie Bear: You think you're so funny?
Statler: Well, we know you're not so funny.

Waldorf: Are we the wrong generation for this kind of comedy?
Statler: No, the wrong species.

"The Muppet Show: Ethel Merman (#1.22)" (1977)
Waldorf: I remember Ethel Merman in the opening of "Panama Hattie".
Statler: You're old enough to remember Teddy Roosevelt at the opening of the Panama Canal.

Statler: [scratching himself] I wonder why I'm so itchy?
Waldorf: Maybe the show's starting to get under your skin.

"The Muppet Show: Mummenschanz (#1.24)" (1977)
Waldorf: Bravo! Bravo!
Statler: What are you bravo-ing about?
Waldorf: That performance! It was first rate.
Statler: Yes, it was good. But only one act I've ever seen deserved a bravo.
Waldorf: Oh, really, who was that?
Statler: Lady Beth Macintosh and her singing parakeet. I'll never forget her closing night at the Palace.
Waldorf: Really? What happened?
Statler: Well, she fell into a box of birdseed just before going on stage and she was pecked to death by the parakeet!
Waldorf: That's a hard act to follow.
Statler: Yeah, well, I was there and I cried.
Waldorf: Really? What did you cry?
Statler: Bravo! Bravo!

Waldorf: That was a funny show.
Statler: Yes, it was. I wonder if they meant it that way.

"The Muppet Show: Brooke Shields (#5.6)" (1980)
Statler: [Statler and Waldorf are dressed as Tweedledee and Tweedledum] What's that noise?
Waldorf: I think it's Lewis Carrol turning over in his grave.
[They both laugh]

Waldorf: What did you think of Humpty Dumpty?
Statler: Terrible. I hate off-the-wall comedy.
[They both laugh]

"The Muppet Show: Nancy Walker (#2.6)" (1977)
Waldorf: Well, how do you feel about nudity?
Statler: Well, personally, it always left me cold.

Waldorf: Wonderful! I loved it!
Statler: Who's your favorite?
Waldorf: Who else? The frog.

"The Muppet Show: Lola Falana (#4.11)" (1979)
Waldorf: You know, it's too bad Gonzo's leaving the show.
Statler: Yeah. I can think of some other people I'd rather see leave the show.
Waldorf: Who?
Statler: Me.

Statler: You know, Gonzo would have been perfect for that movie he was going to star in.
Waldorf: What movie was that?
Statler: "The Revenge of the Little Blue Geek".
[both laugh]

"The Muppet Show: Charles Aznavour (#1.9)" (1976)
Statler: I really liked the show tonight.
Waldorf: At these prices, who's going to complain?

[responding to Fozzie's monologue]
Statler: I wouldn't say conditions at the club were bad, but when we asked where we could take a bath...
Waldorf: The manager ran us through the car wash next door.

"The Muppet Show: Alice Cooper (#3.7)" (1978)
Statler: So that was Alice Cooper?
Waldorf: You should see his sister James Fenimore.
[they both laugh]

Waldorf: What did you think of that?
Statler: Out of sight!
Waldorf: You mean you liked it?
Statler: No, it was out of sight. I had my eyes closed.

"The Muppet Show: Elton John (#2.14)" (1978)
[Statler and Waldorf are wearing flamboyant Elton John-type costumes]
Statler: Boy, we really look like something from the rock age!
Waldorf: No, we look more like something from the Stone Age!

Statler: Well, what'd you think?
[suddenly, they see a chicken chase after the Swedish Chef with a cleaver]
Waldorf: I hate running gags!

"The Muppet Show: Lynn Redgrave (#3.23)" (1979)
Statler: Well, I've seen a lot of versions of Robin Hood, but none to match this one.
Waldorf: How's that?
Statler: The others were all good.

Statler: The legend of Robin Hood will never die.
Waldorf: No, but it sure got wounded pretty badly tonight.

"The Muppet Show: Ruth Buzzi (#1.4)" (1976)
Statler: Did you like the show?
Waldorf: [robotic voice] No, I didn't... No, I didn't...

Fozzie Bear: A lot of these folks want to see me!
Statler: Well, so do we.
Fozzie Bear: You want to see me perform?
Waldorf: No, retire!

"The Muppet Show: Edgar Bergen (#2.7)" (1977)
Waldorf: Now why would they have a bunch of chickens singing "Baby Face"?
Statler: Because the alligators were sick.
Waldorf: That makes sense.

[a bunch of chickens just played "Down at Papa Joe's" on the piano]
Waldorf: Terrible.
Statler: Awful! I hated it!
[a giant chicken approaches them from behind and clucks at them loudly; they are startled]
Waldorf: Wonderful!
Statler: Spectacular!
Waldorf: I liked it!
Statler: Yeah, I loved it! I loved it!

"The Muppet Show: Liza Minnelli (#4.14)" (1979)
Statler: [Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a cell in the balcony] How long are we here for?
Waldorf: Twenty years.
Statler: If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair.
[They both laugh]

Statler: Run for your life!
Waldorf: This show is murder!

"The Muppet Show: John Cleese (#2.23)" (1977)
Waldorf: Well, see you next time.
Statler: Yes, unless I get lucky and break my leg.

[Gonzo's stunt has been to use his bare hands to catch a cannonball fired out of a cannon]
Waldorf: I've seen my fair share of cannonball-catching acts, but that had something different.
Statler: What's that?
Waldorf: A survivor.

"The Muppet Show: Gene Kelly (#5.1)" (1981)
Statler: Are you ready for the end of the world?
Waldorf: Sure, it couldn't be worse than this show.
[they both laugh]

Waldorf: I wish Gene Kelly would teach me the Charleston.
Statler: I wish Gene Kelly would *drive* you to Charleston.

"The Muppet Show: Danny Kaye (#3.16)" (1978)
Statler: [sitting in an alley outside the theater] I tell you, it's almost as bad out here as it is inside.
Waldorf: Either way, we're sitting around looking at garbage.

Statler: There was something thrilling about being in the show tonight.
Waldorf: Yeah, not having to watch it.
[they both laugh]

"The Muppet Show: Bob Hope (#2.21)" (1978)
Waldorf: Hey, doesn't Hope usually sing "Thanks For The Memories"?
Statler: Why would he want to remember this?

Statler: I like the steel drums.
Waldorf: What?
Statler: The pigs' steel drums!
Waldorf: I believe it; they'd take anything that's not nailed down!

"The Muppet Show: Dudley Moore (#4.7)" (1979)
Waldorf: [after a musical number with bugs] That number made me nostalgic.
Statler: Nostalgic for what?
Waldorf: DDT.

Statler: So they blew up half the theater.
Waldorf: At least they blew up the right half.
Statler, Waldorf: Theirs!
[they laugh]

"The Muppet Show: Lynda Carter (#4.19)" (1980)
Statler: How come chickens are getting so big on this show?
Waldorf: Well, chickens thrive on corn.
[both laugh and clucking]

Waldorf: Mmm. What'd you think of Lynda?
Statler: Terrific!
Waldorf: Yeah. How about that rubber band?
Statler: Well, make 'em into a tire and drive 'em to Pittsburgh!
[both laugh]

"The Muppet Show: Judy Collins (#2.5)" (1978)
Statler: You know, when I see that Judy Collins, I'm glad I left my wife.
Waldorf: You left your wife?
Statler: Yeah, I left her at home.

Statler: Ever eat any of that Swedish Chef's food?
Waldorf: Are you kidding? If I did, I'd be dead!
Statler: That's why I asked.

"The Muppet Show: Christopher Reeve (#4.18)" (1980)
Waldorf: Well, this has been an evening to remember.
Statler: Why?
Waldorf: I forgot.
[they both laugh]

Waldorf: I liked that tune, how about you?
Statler: I like New York in June, how about you?
[both humming "How about You?"]

The Muppets Take Manhattan (1984)
Statler: Hey, look, Waldorf. It's the frog and the pig.
Waldorf: Yeah, it looks like they're in love.
Statler: Yeah.
Waldorf: Kinda makes you sick, doesn't it?
[they laugh]
Waldorf: Woo-hoo!
Statler: Hey, lovey doveys!
Waldorf: Hubba, hubba!

Statler: Well, Waldorf, they finally made it to Broadway.
Waldorf: Yes, and I already bought tickets.
Statler: Are they good seats?
Waldorf: Sure are. They're on the next train out of town.

"The Muppet Show: Florence Henderson (#1.7)" (1976)
Waldorf: Hey, listen, all your impressions sound the same.
Fozzie: I can't help that. They were all written by the same writer.
Waldorf: He's got a point there.
Statler: Yeah, on his head.

Statler: I loved it!
Waldorf: So what? You also loved World War II!

Muppets from Space (1999)
[Miss Piggy runs by]
Statler: Is breakfast over?
Waldorf: No, why?
Statler: 'Cause I think the bacon just ran out.

Statler: I wonder if there really is life on other planets?
Waldorf: What do you care? You don't have a life on this planet.

Muppet Treasure Island (1996)
Statler: "Take a cruise," you said. "See the world," you said. Now here we are, stuck on the front of this stupid ship.
Waldorf: Well, it could be worse. We could be stuck in the audience.

Statler: Waldorf, you old fool! We're heroes! We saved the pig and the frog.
Waldorf: Well, it was too late to save the movie.

"The Muppet Show: Cloris Leachman (#2.24)" (1978)
Waldorf: That was weird.
Statler: I'll tell the world.
Waldorf: Go ahead.
Statler: [looking into camera] That was weird!

Waldorf: [responding to the pigs doing "That's Entertainment"] Hey, I didn't know pigs could do that!
Statler: Be that talented?
Waldorf: No, be that bad!

"The Muppet Show: Buddy Rich (#5.22)" (1981)
Waldorf: Where were you when the lights went out?
Statler: In the dark, where else, you old fool?

"The Muppet Show: Twiggy (#1.21)" (1976)
Statler: Every week this show looks better to me.
Waldorf: Every week your eyesight gets worse.

"The Muppet Show: Alan Arkin (#4.20)" (1980)
Statler: You think that Jekyll-Hyde stuff is expensive?
Waldorf: No, my wife has a whole glass of it every morning!

"The Muppets.: Pig Girls Don't Cry (#1.1)" (2015)
Fozzie Bear: [opening "Up Late With Miss Piggy"] I'm Fozzie Bear, and it's my job to warm up the audience with jokes. Ahh!
[sways hips]
Statler: [sitting in the front row] Oh god, we're gonna die of hypothermia.
Waldorf: I hope it comes quick.
[both laugh]

It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie (2002) (TV)
Statler: [Up in the balcony, Statler and Waldorf make fun of Pepe's bad jokes] Hey, the shrimp's floundering!
[Statler and Waldorf both laugh]
Pepe the Prawn: You shut-up okay?
Statler: He told us to clam up!
Waldorf: What's he want to do? Mussle us?
[Both laugh again]
Pepe the Prawn: Don't get me steamed okay!
Statler: Steamed shrimp!
Waldorf: Oh, pass the cocktail sauce!
[Both laugh]
Pepe the Prawn: That's it. I'm coming up there!
[Leaves the stage to go to the balcony]
Statler: Whoooaaa... I'm shaking!
Waldorf: You're always shaking.
[He laughs and Statler grumbles]

"The Muppet Show: Melissa Manchester (#5.12)" (1980)
Statler: [looking up] Watch out!
[Statler and Waldorf duck down as a random Muppet character is thrown at their box seats]
Statler, Waldorf: [waving a white flag] We surrender!

"The Muppet Show: Candice Bergen (#1.15)" (1976)
Waldorf: I think I should see a doctor.
Statler: Why do you say that?
Waldorf: I'm beginning to like the show.

"The Muppet Show: The Stars of Star Wars (#4.17)" (1980)
Waldorf: Do you think there's life in outer space?
Statler: There's certainly none in this theater.
[they both laugh]

"The Muppet Show: Petula Clark (#2.20)" (1978)
Statler: All right, frog, we watched the show!
Waldorf: Yeah! Unlock the doors!

"The Muppet Show: Shields & Yarnell (#4.3)" (1979)
Waldorf: Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
Statler: What?
Waldorf: It ends.

"The Muppet Show: Sandy Duncan (#1.14)" (1976)
Statler: Well, how did you like the show?
Waldorf: Maybe I'm getting soft, but I loved it.
[holds up a banana]
Waldorf: Have a banana.

"The Muppet Show: Peter Ustinov (#1.12)" (1976)
Waldorf: Well, they did improve the level of television entertainment.
Statler: Well, they had no place to go but up.

"The Muppet Show: John Denver (#4.1)" (1979)
Statler: You know something? That was a sweet number.
Waldorf: It sure was.
Statler: You know something else?
Waldorf: What?
Statler: I HATE sweet numbers!

"The Muppet Show: Roy Rogers and Dale Evans (#3.22)" (1979)
Cow: Moo!
Statler: No, "boo".
Cow: Boo!

"The Muppet Show: Bruce Forsyth (#1.13)" (1976)
Statler: This show brought a tear to my eye...
Waldorf: Really?
Statler: Yeah, I'm sitting on a tack.

"The Muppets.: Pig Out (#1.4)" (2015)
Fozzie Bear: So, before we start the show, how about a tip or two for the out-of-towners about our driving regulations, huh? Here in Los Angeles, a yellow light means update your Facebook status! Ah!
Statler: I just updated *my* Facebook status: bored!
[he and Waldorf laugh]
Fozzie Bear: Hey! This is where *I* make the jokes!
Waldorf: We're ready when you are!
[he and Statler both laugh]

"The Muppet Show: Roger Moore (#5.24)" (1980)
[Roger Moore has just sung "If I Could Talk To The Animals"]
Statler: Well I guess I'll go talk to the animals.
Waldorf: What animals?
Statler: The wife and kids.

"The Muppet Show: Peter Sellers (#2.19)" (1978)
Statler: Well, what did you think?
[Waldorf vanishes]
Statler: Yeah, I know what you...
[Statler vanishes, too]

"The Muppet Show: Steve Martin (#2.8)" (1977)
Statler: Well, that was different.
Waldorf: Yeah, lousy.
Statler, Waldorf: But different.

"The Muppet Show: Jean-Pierre Rampal (#5.10)" (1980)
Waldorf: Jean-Pierre has recorded an album of Frank Sinatra's hits on the flute!
Statler: What's it called?
Waldorf: "I Did It Sideways"!
[they both laugh]

"The Muppet Show: Valerie Harper (#1.20)" (1976)
Waldorf: [impressed by Valerie Harper] What a beautiful performer!
Statler: Yeah, what a beautiful woman. You know, Waldorf, I think I'll go backstage and meet her.
Waldorf: Why, you old fool, she wouldn't have anything to do with you! Besides I was thinking of going backstage.
Statler: You? You? Why, you're old enough to be her grandfather!
Waldorf: Why, you geriatric joker! We'll settle this, we'll flip for her.
Statler: Okay.
Waldorf: One, two, three!
[Statler physically flips himself into the air]
Waldorf: You win.

"The Muppet Show: Tony Randall (#5.13)" (1980)
Statler: I once knew a whole chorus line that was turned to stone.
Waldorf: What chorus line was that?
Statler: The Rockettes.
[they both laugh]

"The Muppet Show: Beverly Sills (#4.9)" (1979)
Statler: [seeing Waldorf asleep] Wake up!
Waldorf: [waking up] Huh? Who's the guest star tonight?
Statler: Beverly Hills.
Waldorf: Oh, I've been there before.
[goes back to sleep]
Statler: Oh.

"The Muppet Show: Diana Ross (#4.24)" (1980)
Fozzie Bear: [running on-stage] Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya!
[the crowd boos loudly; running off-stage]
Fozzie Bear: Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!
Statler: [Waldorf holds up a score card that says "1"] You gave him a 1?
Waldorf: He's never been better.

"The Muppet Show: Avery Schreiber (#1.16)" (1976)
Waldorf: You gotta give them credit.
Statler: Why's that?
Waldorf: Well, they're gonna keep on doing it until they get it right.

"The Muppet Show: Marty Feldman (#5.18)" (1980)
[the cast of Sesame Street is crowding behind Waldorf and Statler's box seat]
Waldorf: How should we know how to get to Sesame Street?
Statler: We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!

"The Muppet Show: Crystal Gayle (#4.2)" (1979)
[Waldorf and Statler are naked, with barrels over their bodies]
Waldorf: Well, so much for the prairie dogs.
Statler: Yeah, now we got to worry about termites.

"The Muppet Show: Debbie Harry (#5.9)" (1981)
[Robin's Frog Scout troop are up in Waldorf and Statler's theater box]
Robin the Frog: Can we stay here while we work on our next merit badge?
Statler: Merit badge in what?
Robin the Frog: Grumpiness.

"The Muppet Show: Shirley Bassey (#5.4)" (1980)
Statler: I bought gold back when it was cheap.
Waldorf: Really? Where is it now?
Statler: Ah!
[opens his mouth; Waldorf looks inside and laughs]

"The Muppet Show: Loretta Swit (#5.2)" (1980)
Statler: South Dakota!
Waldorf: South Dakota has nothing to do with this show.
Statler: That's what I want, nothing to do with this show!
[they both laugh]

"The Muppet Show: Rita Moreno (#1.5)" (1976)
Statler: I wonder what the Swedish Chef has up his sleeve today.
Waldorf: A summons from the Board of Health, I wager.

"The Muppet Show: Phyllis Diller (#1.18)" (1976)
Waldorf: [singing] You are my sunshine, my only sunshine...
Statler: Why, you old fool!
Waldorf: What?
Statler: I'm not your son and my name's not Shine!
Waldorf: And he calls me an old fool.

"The Muppet Show: Hal Linden (#5.17)" (1980)
Statler: You know, I never liked their theme music.
Waldorf: Neither did I.
Kermit the Frog: You promised!
[Statler and Waldorf laugh]

"The Muppet Show: Paul Simon (#5.11)" (1980)
Statler: [Waldorf is asleep] Hey, you old fool, you slept through the show.
Waldorf: [waking up] Who's a fool? You watched it!

Kermit's Swamp Years (2002) (V)
Waldorf: It sure was nice of the frog to let us be in this movie.
Statler: So people could see how young we look?
Waldorf: No, so we wouldn't have to watch it!

"The Muppet Show: Joan Baez (#5.3)" (1980)
Statler: I think honesty's always the best policy.
Waldorf: You believe that?
Statler: No, I was lying.

"The Muppet Show: Harry Belafonte (#3.14)" (1979)
Waldorf: I've got half a mind to leave.
Statler: If you had half a mind, you wouldn't be here.

"The Muppet Show: Lena Horne (#1.11)" (1976)
Statler: Author! Author!
Waldorf: [half asleep] Is he here?
Statler: Who?
Waldorf: Arthur.
Statler: Oh, go back to sleep.

"The Muppet Show: Andy Williams (#4.22)" (1980)
Statler: I'm going to see my lawyer!
Waldorf: Why?
Statler: I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!

"The Muppet Show: Dom DeLuise (#2.11)" (1977)
Statler: I wouldn't mind the show if they just got rid of one thing.
Waldorf: What's that?
Statler: Me.
[they both laugh]

"The Muppet Show: Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge (#3.1)" (1978)
Statler: You know, they can improve the whole show if they just changed the ending.
Waldorf: How?
Statler: Put it closer to the beginning.
[they both laugh]

"The Muppet Show: Jean Stapleton (#3.6)" (1978)
Statler: [at the end of the show] I liked that last number.
Waldorf: What did you like about it?
Statler: It was the LAST number!
[they both laugh]

"The Muppet Show: Leslie Uggams (#3.18)" (1979)
[Waldorf and Statler's theater box is full of chickens]
Waldorf: Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
Statler: Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.

"The Muppet Show: Pearl Bailey (#3.5)" (1978)
Statler: [as they sit with an avocado] I didn't like it.
Waldorf: What did the avocado think?
Avocado: It's the pits.
[they all laugh]

"The Muppet Show: Ben Vereen (#1.17)" (1976)
Statler: Fantastic show.
Waldorf: Brilliant show.
[sees something smoking]
Waldorf: By the way, your pants are on fire.
[Statler looks down at the source of the smoke and screams]