The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
: Hey boss, Muppy and I wanted to talk to you about the act we're doing on the show tonight. Kermit the Frog
: Scooter, you're not doing an act on the show tonight. Scooter
: Gee, my uncle who owns the theatre thought of this act. Kermit the Frog
: Tell us about the act you're doing on the show tonight. Scooter
: Oh, it's called "Simon Smith and His Amazing Dancing Dog". Yeah, I sing this song see, and Muppy here does this cute, adorable, sweet, sugary little dance. Kermit the Frog
: Well, it sounds says the frog displaying his artistic judgment: sappy. Scooter
: Gee, my uncle thought it was... Kermit the Frog
: It sounds says the frog displaying his will to survive: wonderful. Scooter
: Yeah, it's great. You'll love it. Kermit the Frog
: Certainly. I've often thought of Muppy here as about the cutest little fellow around.
[Muppy attacks Kermit and bites him
: He thinks as himself as a killer. Kermit the Frog
: Let me out of here!
: Okay, Kemit. Now that Muppy is doing the big Simon Smith number, he has one other suggestion. Kermit the Frog
: Listen, I already gave him his own dressing room. What more does he want? Scooter
: Well, it's about the title of the show. Look.
[holds up a sign saying 'The Muppy Show'
] Kermit the Frog
: 'The Muppy Show'?
Kermit the Frog
: Muppy? Scooter? You're on next. Scooter
: It's no use Kermit. Muppy says if you won't change the title of the show he's not going on. He's locked himself in his dressing room, and he's not coming out. Kermit the Frog
: Yeah, but the Simon Smith number is next. Scooter
: I know. I know. Kermit the Frog
: What are we going to do? Fozzie Bear
: Kermit. How come I'm not doing an act this week? Kermit the Frog
: Congratulations Fozzie. You're doing an act this week. Fozzie Bear
: Sometimes I can be very persuasive.
: I may go out tomorrow if I can borrow a coat to wear/Oh, I'd step out in style with my sincere smile and my dancing bear/Outrageous, alarming/Courageous, charming/Oh, who would think a boy and bear could be well accepted everywhere/It's just amazing how fair people can be.
: Seen at the nicest places where well fed faces all stop to stare/Making the grandest entrance is Simon Smith and his Dancing Bear. They'll love us. Fozzie Bear
: Won't they? Scooter
: They feed us. Fozzie Bear
: Don't they? Scooter
: Oh, who would think a boy and bear could be well accepted everywhere/It's just amazing how fair people can be.
: Oh, who needs money? Fozzie Bear
: When we're funny? Hah! Scooter
: The great attraction everywhere would be Simon Smith and his dancing Bear. It's Simon Smith and his Amazing Dancing Bear. Fozzie Bear
: Together. Yes. Oh yes!
: Kermit, Muppy wants you to know he's very sorry he bit you. Kermit the Frog
: Oh, yeah. Scooter
: He wants you to know he's very grateful you're letting him do the Simon Smith number. Kermit the Frog
: Oh, well that's nice. Scooter
: He wants you to know he wants his own dressing room and star billing. Kermit the Frog
: Who is this crazy dog? Scooter
: He's my uncles favorite pet!
: [freaked out
] I broke Kermit's show! The Great Gonzo
: [one-on-one interview
] I feel sorry for Scooter. Being in charge is not easy. But you know what I learned when I was shot into Niagara Falls? Sometimes you gotta ask for help. Yeah. And learn French in case the wind carries you to the Canadian side.
Kermit the Frog
: Scooter, why was Sweetums driving around with a giant block of butter? Scooter
: Uh, well, because Patrick Dempsey got a poison ivy rash. Kermit the Frog
: What, are you gonna rub his body down with butter? Scooter
: What? Ew! K... Kermit! No! Ew! Dempsey canceled, so we're filling that segment with Swedish Chef carving a butter sculpture of Piggy's head.
The Great Gonzo
: Scooter, you're not going anywhere. What is the oldest saying in Hollywood? Scooter
: Uh... "This is where we should put Hollywood"? The Great Gonzo
: No. "The show must go on." Scooter
: Well, why would you say that before Hollywood exists? The Great Gonzo
] Look, Scooter, what I'm trying to say is... I believe in you. And it doesn't matter how scared you are. You can do this. You have to do this.
: I'm learning to speak frog. Frog
: He's so cute. Scooter
: Well, that's his job. See, the rest of us got sick of being cute, so we hired him to do it.
: Cute is his middle name. Bean Bunny
: Actually, it's Norman.
: Doesn't that lady pig look familiar? Bean Bunny
: Don't all lady pigs look alike? Scooter
: Oh, yeah.
Scooter (as Porthos)
: The Villain has dropped something--perhaps it is a clue! Link Hogthrob (as Gummo)
: It is a crumpet. Scooter (as Porthos)
: A pumpernickel crumpet! The Great Gonzo (as Athos)
: [fighting the bandit
] A pumpernickel crumpet? Link Hogthrob (as Gummo)
: A crumpernickel pumpet? Scooter (as Porthos)
: And furthermore, it has lumps all over it. The Great Gonzo (as Athos)
: A lumpy pumpernickel crumpet? Link Hogthrob (as Gummo)
: A crumpy lumpernickel pumpet? Scooter (as Porthos)
: And in all of France, there is but one bakery which makes such a delicacy! The Great Gonzo (as Athos)
: And that bakery is? Scooter (as Porthos)
: Humperdinck's! The Great Gonzo (as Athos)
: A Humperdinck's lumpy pumpernickel crumpet? Link Hogthrob (as Gummo)
: A crumperdinck's lumpy humple-crumple...pumplehumple...can we just get on with the story? Scooter (as Porthos)
: And who is the man who loves Humperdinck's lumpy pumpernickel crumpets beyond all things? Link Hogthrob (as Gummo)
, The Great Gonzo (as Athos)
: We don't know, who? Scooter (as Porthos)
: That simplewimp the Scarlet Pimpernel! The Great Gonzo (as Athos)
, Scooter (as Porthos)
: Egads! It's that simplewimp Pimpernel and his Humperdinck's lumpy pumpernickel crumpets!
] The Great Gonzo (as Athos)
, Scooter (as Porthos)
: Ta da!
Dudley Moore (as Caesar)
: Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears. Random Roman muppet
: What'd you do with the ones we lent you last week? Dudley Moore (as Caesar)
: I stuck them on my chariot. Random Roman muppet
: Why? Dudley Moore (as Caesar)
: Because they're chariot-ears.
] Dudley Moore (as Caesar)
: Bring me my piano. Random Roman muppet
: Bring Great Caesar's piano!
[Several muppet Romans lug a grand piano onstage
] Dudley Moore (as Caesar)
: Do you know why they call me "Great Caesar"? Scooter
: Because "Great Dudley" would sound stupid? Dudley Moore (as Caesar)
: No, fool, because I provide my own background music.
Link Hogthrob (as Gummo)
: Egad, it's that simple wimp Pimpernel and lumpy gumpel shlumpel dumpel... can we just get on with the story? Scooter (as Porthos)
: Good idea! For there, the dreaded Scarlet Pimpernel is making his escape! The Great Gonzo (as Athos)
: Yoinks, Porthos! Thou art correct! Gummo, swing down on yond chandelier and capture yond Pimpernel! Link Hogthrob (as Gummo)
: Why me? I'm not the strong one. Scooter (as Porthos)
: No, you're the STUPID one!
: [hiding in the closet, only their eyes visible
] Uh... I hate to mention this but uh, how many of us came in here? Scooter
: [among the jumble
] Let's see, there's you... Piggy
: Four? Gonzo
: Right, so uh, who's he?
[nods up to a 5th set of eyes
: What about those guys we saw at the window? Gonzo
: Set a booby trap! Fozzie
: Uh uh. Piggy
: Drop him in the laundry! Fozzie
: Nope. Gonzo
: Trip him with a rope. Fozzie
: Tried that. Piggy
: Put a bag on his head! Fozzie
: Tried all that stuff.
: Boy, Nanny needs to get a new decorator. Scooter
: Yeah, or move to a new neighborhood.
: TWO Kermits?... Well, that explains a lot. Rowlf the Dog
: I knew no one could have a cold for that long. Pepe the King Prawn
: Or have that cheesy an accent, okay.
] Film Crew
: And cut! Walter
: Wow, that was so amazing! Kermit
: Walter, you did a wonderful job. Walter
: Thank you, Kermit. Did we get that? Miss Piggy
: We got it. Kermit
: We got it, yup. Film Crew
: [speaks into bullhorn
] Movie's over, people, go home. That is a wrap. Scooter
: Okay, nice work, everyone. Make sure to fill out your I-9's, and we'll see you on the next one. Scooter
: [crew leaves the set
] So uh, what do we do now? Fozzie Bear
: Well, we're together again. We got the theater and all our fans are back. Rowlf the Dog
: Actually, those were extras. Fozzie Bear
: I saw a few tapping their toes. Scooter
: Yeah, those were paid dancers. Fozzie Bear
: Oh. Miss Piggy
: Or, maybe since we're all here, now could be the perfect time for you and me to tie the knot, Kermie. Kermit
] Well... I mean, maybe I could-... Walter
: Hey, what's the camera still doing here? Statler
: Oh no, disaster! That can only mean one thing! Waldorf
: Doggone it, you're right. Statler
: Mm-hmm. Waldorf
: It looks like they've ordered a sequel. Statler
: [all singing; repeated chorus
] We love cartoons; we love all the action / We love cartoons, how they dance and sing / We love cartoons, they're the main attraction / Cartoon heroooes can do anything!
: Computers make the best animation because they're so exact and mathematical.
The Great Gonzo
: [Gonzo into a walkie talkie
] Gonzo to Scooter, Gonzo to Scooter. Bring home the bacon. Over. Scooter
: 10-4. Bacon down. Bacon down. Rizzo the rat
: [pulls on string trying to lift down Miss Piggy
] Roger. Bacon down. Bacon down. Miss Piggy
: Will you hurry up? Don't make me miss my cue! Scooter
: The ham is jammed. Repeat the ham is jammed.
: [after being interrupted in her big musical number
] Will everybody stop singing different songs? I can't remember which one I'm supposed to sing! Scooter
: [runs on stage
] Excuse me, pardon me, sorry. Santa Baby, from "bee-dooby doo." Miss Piggy
: Oh yeah. Right. Bee-dooby doo...
: [talking about Gonzo's teddy bear
] What do I think of the bear? Why, he's funny. No, no, really. Every time I look at him, he makes me wanna laugh and laugh and laugh. I think he's just great. The Great Gonzo
: Well, I'm glad you like him. Kermit says it's a disgrace to have him around and we oughta get a new one. Scooter
: Yeah, well, that'd be nice, too! Fozzie
: [thinking they are talking about him
] The bear can barely bear it, folks.
: I've had it! Now that I know what people think of me here, I'm leaving the show. The Great Gonzo
: Hi, Scooter. Scooter
: Hi, Gonz. The Great Gonzo
: Say, I'm curious. What do you think of him?
[referring to his teddy bear
: [thinking they are talking about him
] Listen! They're taking about me. Well, I will not listen!
: [outside Chelsea's dressing room
] Okay, you guys, I'm gonna go in there and I'm gonna ask her out. Rizzo the Rat
: So why are you standing like that, with your hands on your hips? You look like one of those little girls in a beauty pageant. Pepe the King Prawn
: Si, and not the winner.
Rizzo the Rat
: Scooter, Scooter, Scooter, Scooter, Scooter! Scooter
: Yeah? Yeah? Rizzo the Rat
: So, how'd it go with Chelsea, huh? And don't skip the dirty stuff, 'cause I was born in a sewer. You are not gonna shock me. Scooter
: Well, uh, Chelsea was fun, but I don't think I'm gonna see her again. Rizzo the Rat
: What? Scooter
: Mm-mm. Pepe the King Prawn
: Oh. Well, you must trust your heart. Rizzo the Rat
: Yeah. Pepe the King Prawn
: Because your heart is never wrong. Rizzo the Rat
: That's true. Scooter
: Yeah, yeah. She got way too physical way too fast. Pepe the King Prawn
: I stand corrected. Your heart is very, very stupid.
: [Muppet Babies, singing
] She's gonna be a movie star. And she's gonna learn to drive a car; she's gonna be a vet'rinarian, too.
] Miss Piggy
: And I'm gonna always love you-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! Fozzie Bear
: Well, she's gonna be a singer, whoa-whoa-whoa! Scooter
: And she's gonna learn to fly a plane! Rowlf
: She'll be a doctor of diseases and help you with your sneezes... Gonzo
: ...and practice neurosurgery on your brain!
Kermit the Frog
: What's going on here? Scooter
: Well... uh... we just got job offers. Uh... right guys?
[everyone lies with ad libs, "yeah", "sure", "job offers"
] Kermit the Frog
: That's great. But why do you all look so sad? Scooter
: Well, it's just... they're kind of... out of town job offers. Right guys?
[more ad libs with "yes", "out of town", etc
: What job did I get? Scooter
: Gonzo! Shut up!
: Oh, boy, oh, boy, chief. Are we in trouble. Kermit
: What now? Scooter
: You know how you're planning to do the jousting scene from Camelot? Kermit
: Of course. That's the show's grand finale. Scooter
: Well, the people that published the music from Camelot just called and they won't let you do it. Kermit
: What? I was willing to give them credit! I would've given them a big build up! I would have given anything to do the jousting scene! Scooter
: They want money. Kermit
: Cancel the jousting scene. Scooter
: Gee whiz, chief. I thought you said we had 14.95 in the cash box Kermit
: Yeah, well I spent 13.50 on the suits of armor.
: I mean, why cast me? This knight business is an actor's gig. I am a musician, remember? Kermit
: Well, Floyd, I wanted you to play the knight because you fit the part, you see. You're the only one of us with real gallantry. The only one of us with real honor. Scooter
: The only one of us who'd fit in that iron suit. Kermit
: Scooter, I needed that like I need a broken leg! Floyd
: Okay, you need a broken leg, I'll fall on you again.
: All right, I got everything here we need to manage the segment. Oh, and Fozzie's all set up back at the studio. Kermit the Frog
: Oh, good. You know something, Scooter? I think this is really gonna be a great show. Scooter
: Wait a minute. I'm getting feedback. Man, Piggy's monitor is making a lot of noise. Kermit the Frog
: Huh. Miss Piggy
: Oh, I'll call the nurse. I think it's this one. Kermit the Frog
: [she presses a button near her bed
] Wait, Piggy, no, no, no. That's not the call button. Miss Piggy
: Yes, it is. Kermit the Frog
: No, that's your morphine drip! Miss Piggy
: [to the audience while imagining them naked
] You are all naked!
Kermit the Frog
: [Swedish Chef has drawn cut lines on a real cow
] Scooter, would you erase that cow? Scooter
: Oh sure, boss.
[goes to do it, then turns to the audience
: Erase the cow?
: What's going on? Skeeter
: Oh we're just being held prisoner by this mean looking guy with scary eyes.
: Hello! And what's your name? Fozzie
: [dressed as a telephone
] Mike Oznowiczsky. Scooter
: Oh, so *you're* the telephone Pole!
Wealthy Arab sheik
: [hearing that Kermit is in the hospital, and having already confidently offered to buy Kenny Rogers a new guitar to replace the one that his camel stepped on
] Do not vurry about ze frog, ve vill buy you a new one! Scooter
: [in a disgusted irritable tone at the sheik's unaware and indifferent "I'm so rich that I can just buy my way out of any problem" attitude
] Will you STOP that?
] We got a big problem with Piggy! She's... Kermit the Frog
: Scooter, Scooter, Scooter! Listen, relax. We talked about overreacting to things. Uncle Deadly
: It's a code red. Kermit the Frog
: [freaking out; to the other Muppets
] Code red! Code red! This is not a drill!
[the Muppets are driven into a frenzy
: Shield's and Yarnell. Fifteen seconds to curtain, Shields and Yarnell. Kermit's finally booked guest stars weirder than we are.
: If anything goes wrong here, Fozzie...
: You are fired!
: [to himself
] Fi-fi-fired? My nerves are shot! Still, what could go wrong? I mean... the stage is set, the star has arrived, the audience is happy... Scooter
: The theater's on fire. Fozzie
: ...the theater's on fire...
] The theater's on fire?
[Rowlf is playing "The Entertainer" slowly
] Milton Berle
: "The Entertainer", right? Rowlf
: Yep, that's the name of the song. Milton Berle
: You know, most people don't know that there are words to that song. Rowlf
: That's true. Milton Berle
: You know what they're about? They're about the stars and the performers and the entertainers that appeared during the heyday of Vaudeville. Rowlf
: You used to be in Vaudeville, didn't you? Milton Berle
: Yeah, sure I was, but when I was a kid. Rowlf
: How many performances did you do in Vaudeville? Milton Berle
: Oh, I'd say between 80,000 and 100,000. Rowlf
: Wow, you were really the entertainer, weren't you? Milton Berle
: One of them... yeah, one of them. Many, many fond memories.
] Milton Berle
: Now the curtain is going up. The Entertainer is taking a bow. He does his dance step and sings his song, he even gets the audience to sing along. Yes, he knows just what to do, he knows how to brings down the house when he's through. Snappy patter and jokes, he knows what pleases the folks. The Entertainer: the Star of the Show.
[tempo increases and the Muppets come on the stage
] It was in Vaudeville and he was on the bill with all the singers, dancers, acrobats and clowns. Fozzie Bear
: There was a dancing bear. Rowlf
: Even a dog act there. Scooter
: And a comedian who never let them down. Muppets
: But when he came on to do his favorite song, he really wowed them in the cities and the towns. They came from near and far to see the Vaudeville star: The Entertainer!
] Milton Berle
: [speaking, soulfully
] Now the curtain is going down on the Entertainer: the artist, the pro. He was put on this earth to bring us laughter and mirth. The Entertainer: the Star of the Show.
: [seeing Elton taking a curtain call in a traditional suit while everyone else wears flamboyant costumes
] Boy, Elton, you look WEIRD! Elton John
: Well, you guys are all dressed like stolen cars!
[Everyone is taking a sip of Piggy's lemonade
] This is really sour! Bean Bunny
: Yeah, sour! How much sugar did you use? Piggy
: Sugar? In the lemonade?
: Black Bart is the opening archer / The Sheriff of Nottingham's man / With the strength of an ox, the nerve of a fox / And the brains of a gooseberry flan.
: Scooter, Skeeter, is that you? Skeeter
: Uh huh, we're cater... pillars. Scooter
: Hey, we're mice! What happened? Piggy
: Don't ask. Kermit
: I guess imaginations go kind of crazy around all these books.
: Hey, Beau, want to know what you're gonna be doing in the future? Beauregard
: I don't even know what I'm doing now!
: [to Kermit
] Gee boss, I've never seen you naked before.
[Kermit runs off screaming
Daniel 'Gyro Robo'
: Hello Robot Chicken. I viewed your recent Gobots sketch with a total lack of mirth and an abundance of extreme displeasure. The folowing is my annotated version of your worthless attempt at humour. Watch and learn jerks! Daniel 'Gyro Robo'
: [Scooter runs into the bathroom with a nudie mag and some lotion
] First of all Gobots do not live in houses. Second of all Gobots do not masturbate if that is indeed what you are implying. Leader-1
: Scooter? Scooter
: Don't come in! Leader-1
: What are you doing in there? Scooter
: DON'T COME IN! DON'T COME IN! Daniel 'Gyro Robo'
] This is NOT a hilarious circumstance. It is both painful and truamatic as anyone who has lived through it will tell you. Turbo
: So... Let me get this straight? You're a helicopter and your name is Cop-Tur? Cop-Tur
: Yes! Turbo
: Lame! Daniel 'Gyro Robo'
: Turbo is a good Gobot and Cop-Tur is a Renegade Gobot. They would not be conversing as such. Also Cop-Tur is just his lame American name. When the character was originated in Japan in 1981 Cop-Tur's name was Gyro Robo. I have taken the librety of redubbing this scene. So I hear your name is Gyro Robo? Correct! That is very not lame. Daniel 'Gyro Robo'
: [Cy-Kill turns into a girl's bycicle
] I won't even dignify this scene with my analysis. Robot Chicken has screwed the proverbial pooch while attempting to skewer the vast and magnificent world of the Gobots. Please GO TO HELL! Mother
: Daniel? Come get your supper honey. Daniel 'Gyro Robo'
: Mom I told my name is Gyro Robo. Mother
: Oh sorry Gyro Robo. Daniel 'Gyro Robo'
: There that's more like it.
] It was nice of the Chronicle to pay for our flight home. Pops
: Yeah, but a man should be treated better than his luggage. Scooter
: Yeah, well, my luggage was sucked out the door. Luckily my radio is frozen to my wrist.
: Bernadette Peters. Fifteen seconds to curtain Miss Peters. Bernadette Peters
: Thanks Scooter. Oh, and thank the Swedish Chef for sending me this lovely... chicken... sandwich. Chicken
: [an unplucked and alive chicken is between the bread
] Brawk! Bernadette Peters
: Suddenly I'm not hungry.
: Hey, Boss? That cannonball agency just called. They're gonna send Bob Hope back. Kermit the Frog
: Oh, when will he be here? Scooter
: Soon. They're sending him by canon.
[above them, a loud whistling noise sounds, they follow it by glancing above them and to their side when something is heard crashing to the floor
] Bob Hope
: [walks on screen
] Eat your heart out, Concord!
: Elke Sommer. Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Sommer. Elke Sommer
: Eh, thank you, Scooter. Uh, listen, I hate to complain, but...
] Elke Sommer
: ... there's a man eating my make-up table. Scooter
: Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Fred! You're supposed to eat the wardrobe! Fred
: [to Elke Sommer
[moves to the wardrobe
] Elke Sommer
: [visibly disturbed
] Wardrobe. That makes more sense, eh? I guess.
: George Burns. George Burns. Twenty seconds to curtain, Mr. Burns. George Burns
: I'm ready.
[noticing Gonzo playing a violin behind him
] George Burns
: Excuse me, but... But what is *that*? The Great Gonzo
: [playing violin
] It's my new act. Gonzo fiddles while George Burns. George Burns
: I like that joke. It's a pleasure to hear something that's older than I am.
: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, if you could just step as far forward and close together as you can. Rizzo the Rat
: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, real close. You see, we're doing research on deodorant strength. Scooter
: Rizzo, you're disgusting. Rizzo the Rat
: Hey, it's a gift.
: Hey, my computer won't work without power! Rowlf
: Yeah, neither will my record player. Piggy
: We can't even watch TV. Kermit
: Gee, without electricity we can't do anything. Nanny
: Of course you can, your imaginations work without electricity.
: [Scooter as Super Scooter has just punched holes in the computer drawing in the comic book
] That's it no more comics, no more stupid outfits, no more scooper suiter, pooper scooper or Super Scooter I quit.