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: Prince Ali Ababwa! Of course! I'm delighted to meet you.
[he shakes Aladdin's hand
: This is my royal vizier, Jafar. He's delighted, too. Jafar
: [very dryly
[Iago is running on a treadmill which powers a mystic device
: With all due respect, Your Rottenness, couldn't we just wait for a real storm? Jafar
: Save your breath, Iago. Faster! Iago
: Yes, O Mighty Evil One!
: How many times do I have to kill you, boy?
: [as a group of cheerleaders
] Rick 'em, rack 'em, rock 'em, rake! Stick that sword into that snake! Jafar
: [as a snake
] You stay out of thisss! Genie
] Jafar, Jafar, he's our man. If he can't do it, GREAT!
: Father, I choose Prince Ali! Jafar
: Prince Ali left. Aladdin
: [standing in the doorway to the balcony
] Better check your crystal ball again, Jafar!
] Jasmine. Princess Jasmine
: Oh, Father. I just had the most wonderful time. I'm so happy. Sultan
] You should be, Jasmine. I have chosen a husband for you. Princess Jasmine
: What? Sultan
] You will wed Jafar.
[the other door opens and reveals Jafar and Iago
: You're speechless, I see. A fine quality in a wife.
: [from inside the lamp
] Get your blasted beak out of my face! Iago
: Oh, shut up, you moron! Jafar
: Don't tell me to shut up! Genie
: [taking the lamp off Aladdin
] Allow me. Ten thousand years in a Cave of Wonders ought to chill him out!
[flicks them into the distance
: You are late. Gazeem
: A thousand apologies, Oh Patient One.
: You're speechless, I see. A fine quality in a wife.
: [to Jafar
] At least some good will come of my being forced to marry. When I am Queen, I will have the power to get rid of you. Sultan
: Well, now. That's nice. All settled then. Now, Jasmine, getting back to this suitor business. Jasmine? Jasmine!
[the Sultan notices that Jasmine is running out of the room, and runs after her
: [scowls in their direction
] If only I had gotten that lamp! Iago
: [mocking Jasmine
] "I will have the power to get rid of you." Dahhh! To think we gotta keep kissing up to that chump, and his chump daughter, for the rest of our lives. Jafar
: No, Iago. Only until she finds a chump husband. Then she'll have us banished. Or beheaded. Jafar
: Ew. Iago
: Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute! Jafar, what if you were the chump husband? Jafar
: What? Iago
: Okay, okay. You marry the princess, all right? And and, uh, you. Then you become the sultan! Jafar
: Marry the shrew. I become sultan. The idea has merit. Iago
: Yes, merit. Yes! And then, we drop papa-in-law and the little woman off a cliff.
[he dives off Jafar's staff headfirst, then hits the ground
: "Yah. Ker-splat!" Jafar
] I love the way your foul little mind works!
[both laugh evilly
: [disguised as a prisoner
] You've heard of the golden rule, haven't you? Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
: Are you afraid to fight me yourself, you cowardly snake? Jafar
: A snake, am I? Perhaps you'd like to see how snakelike I can be!
[he turns into a giant snake
: I can't take it anymore! If I gotta choke down on one more of those moldy, disgusting crackers. Bam! Whack! Jafar
: Calm yourself, Iago. Iago
: And then I'd grab him around the head. Whack, whack! Jafar
: Soon I will be sultan, not that addlepated twit. Iago
: And then I stuff the crackers down his throat. Ha ha.
: [taking Genie's lamp
] Boy, Jafar's gonna be happy to see you. Jafar
: [he switches to Jafar's voice
] Excellent work, Iago. Iago
: Ah, go on. Jafar
] No, really. On a scale of one to ten, you are an eleven. Iago
: Oh, Jafar, you're too kind. I'm embarrassed. I'm blushing.
["Snake" Jafar has Aladdin in a tight squeeze
: You little fool. You thought you could defeat the most powerful being on Earth. Iago
: Squeeze him, Jafar. Squeeze him like a- Awk!
[Genie elbows Iago and knocks him into the air
: Without the Genie, boy, you're nothing. Aladdin
: The Genie... The Genie! The Genie has more power than you'll ever have! Jafar
: What? Aladdin
: He gave you your power. He can take it away. Genie
: [smiling uncomfortably
] Al, what're you doing? Why are you bringing me into this? Aladdin
: Face it, Jafar. You're still just second best! Jafar
: [slightly shocked
] You're right. His power does exceed my own. But not for long.
: [hypnotizing the Sultan with his snake staff
] You will order the Princess to marry me. Sultan
] I... will order... the Princess... to...
[suddenly breaks out of the trance
: But you're so old! Jafar
: [shoving his staff into the Sultan's face again
] The Princess *will* marry me!
: [of "Prince Ali Ababwa"
] Jasmine will like this one. Aladdin
: And I'm pretty sure I'll like Princess Jasmine. Jafar
: Your Highness, no! I must intercede on Jasmine's behalf. This boy is no different from the others. What makes him think he is worthy of the Princess? Aladdin
: Your Majesty, I am Prince Ali Ababwa. Just let her meet me. I will win your daughter. Princess Jasmine
: How dare you? All of you! Standing around deciding my future? I am not a prize to be won!
[when Gazeem tries to steal the lamp from the Cave of Wonders, the latter swallows him whole
: I can't believe it! I just don't believe it! We're never gonna get ahold of that stupid lamp! Just forget it! Look at this. Look at this. I'm so ticked off that I'm molting. Jafar
: Patience, Iago, patience. Gazeem was obviously less than worthy. Iago
: Oh, there's a big surprise! That's an incredib... I think I'm gonna have a heart attack and die from that surprise! What are we gonna do? We got a big problem here, a big... Mmph!
[Jafar grabs Iago's beak to shut him up
: Yes. Only one may enter. I must find this one, this... diamond in the rough.
: Just... where did you say you were from? Aladdin
: [as Prince Ali Ababwa
] Oh, uh... uh, much farther than you've traveled, I'm sure. Jafar
: Try me.
: Trust me, my pungent friend. You'll get what's coming to you. Iago
: What's coming to you. Awk!
: [hanging from the entrance of the Cave of Wonders
] Help me out! Jafar
: [in disguise
] Throw me the lamp! Aladdin
: I can't hold on! Give me your hand! Jafar
: First give me the lamp!
[Aladdin does so
: [laughs triumphantly
] Yes! At last!
[he grabs Aladdin's wrist
: What're you doing? Jafar
: Giving you your reward - your eternal reward!
[he pulls out a dagger and is about to stab Aladdin; Abu bites his arm, forcing him to drop the dagger; Jafar then throws Aladdin and Abu back down the Cave, just as it closes
: [chuckles, removing his disguise
] It's mine. It's all mine. I...
[he searches for the lamp, but can't find it
: Where is it? No! Noooooo!
: I think it's time to say goodbye to Prince Abubu.
: [as he is being released
] You know, Al, I'm getting really...
: I don't think you're him. Genie
: [reading a script
] Tonight the part of Al will be played by a tall, dark and sinister ugly man. Jafar
: I am your master now!
[crushes Genie under his foot
] I was afraid of that. Jafar
: Genie, grant me my first wish. I wish to rule on high, as Sultan!
: It's this suitor business. Jasmine refuses to choose a husband. I'm at my wits' end. Iago
: Awk! Wits' end! Sultan
[laughs and pulls out a cracker
: Have a cracker, pretty Polly.
[Iago gasps and shakes his head. Sultan stuffs the cracker into Iago's mouth
: [laughs as Iago chokes
] Your Majesty certainly has a way with dumb animals.
[Iago gives Jafar an angry look
[Aladdin has tricked Jafar into wishing to be a more powerful genie than Genie
: The universe is mine to command! To control! Aladdin
: Not so fast, Jafar! Aren't you forgetting something? Jafar
: Huh? Aladdin
: You wanted to be a genie? You got it!
[cufflinks form on Jafar's wrists
: What? Aladdin
: And everything that goes with it.
[Aladdin holds up a black genie lamp, which sucks Jafar in
: No! No! Iago
: I'm getting out of here! Aladdin
: Phenomenal cosmic powers...
[Iago tries to flee, but Jafar grabs him
: Come on, you're the genie. I don't want, I don't...!
[both Jafar and Iago disappear in the lamp
: ...itty bitty living space. Genie
: Al, you little genius, you!
: Ladies and gentlemen, a warm Agrabah welcome for Sorcerer Jafar! Jafar
: Now where were we? Ah, yes abject humiliation!
[He zaps Jasmine and Sultan with his staff, and they both bow to him. Rajah comes running at him
: Down, boy!
[He zaps Rajah, and the tiger turns into a kitten. Rajah meows
: Oh princess
[lifts Jasmine's chin with his staff
: there's someone I'm dying to introduce you to. Aladdin
: [Flying towards him on Carpet
] Jafar! Get your hands off her! Jafar
: [zaps Aladdin, Carpet flies away. Singing
] Prince Ali, yes, it is he, but not as you know him. Read my lips and come to grips with reality. Jafar
: Yes, meet a blast from your past. Whose lies were too good to last! Say hello to your precious Prince Ali!
[zaps Ali back to Aladdin as he says it
] Or should we say Aladdin? Princess Jasmine
: [shocked gasp
] Ali? Aladdin
: Jasmine, I tried to tell you. I just. Jafar
: [still singing
] So Ali turns out to be merely Aladdin. Jafar
: Just a con, need I go on? Take it from me, his personality flaws, give me adequate cause,
[sends Aladdin and Abu in a pillar, Carpet flies in after them
: to send him packing on a one way trip so his prospects take a terminal dip, his assets frozen, the venue chosen, is the ends of the earth. Jafar
: [sends the pillar in the air
: Whoopee! So long! Iago
: Goodbye. See ya. Jafar
] Ex-Prince Ali!
: Abu? Abu! Oh, this is all my fault. I should have freed the Genie when I had the chance. Aladdin
: Abu! Are you okay? Abu the Monkey
] Uh-huh. Aladdin
: I'm sorry, Abu. I made a mess of everything, somehow. I gotta go back and set things right. Yeah! All right! Now, back to Agrabah! Let's go!
: [Jafar opens the door to his lab, making sure first that no one is looking, then sneaks out, though while he's doing this, Jasmine spots him
] Jafar? Jafar
: [Quickly covers the entrance
] Oh... Princess. Iago
: [Casually walks through the doorway, but Jafar slams the door, crushing Iago
] Jafar - I'm stuck...
[Jafar yanks Jasmine towards him
: It pains me to see you reduced to this, Jasmine.
[takes a bite of the apple she is holding and continues speaking, spitting pulp onto her cheek
: A beautiful desert bloom such as yourself belongs on the arm of the most powerful man in the world.
[conjures a crown for her
: What do you say, my dear? Why, with you as my queen... Princess Jasmine
: [throws a glass of wine in his face
] Never! Jafar
: AAH! I'll teach you some respect...!
[she retreats in fear
: ... No. Genie, I have decided to make my final wish. I wish for Princess Jasmine to fall *desperately* in love with me. Genie
: [as William F. Buckley
] Uh, Master, there are a few addenda, uh, some quid pro quos... Jafar
: Don't talk back to me, you big blue lout! You will do what I order you to do, slave!
[Jasmine sees Aladdin and Abu sneak into the room, motioning for her to be quiet
] Princess Jasmine
[puts on the crown
] Princess Jasmine
: Hmm, I never realized how incredibly handsome you are.
[Genie's jaw drops in shock
: Hmm, that's better.
[rolls Genie's jaw back up like a window blind
: Now, pussycat... tell me more about myself.
: Prince Ali? Yes, it is he, / but not as you know him! / Read my lips, and come to grips / with reality! / Meet a blast from your past, whose lies were too good to last / Say hello to your precious Prince Ali!
[strips Aladdin of his magic
] Princess Jasmine
: Ali... Aladdin
: Jasmine... I tried to tell you, I'm only... Jafar
: So Ali, turns out to be / merely Aladdin / Just a con, need I go on? / Take it from me / His personality flaws, give me adequate cause / To send him packing on a one-way trip, so his propsects take a terminal dip / His assets frozen, the venue chosen / Is the ends of the earth - wheee! / So long, EX-Prince Ali!
[locks Aladdin in a tower and hurls the tower into space
: If it weren't for *me*, you'd still be in a cage at the bazaar squawking, "Polly want a cracker!"
: I've got sand in places I didn't even know I had! Jafar
: [heard from inside his lamp
] Spare me your prattling, Iago. Are we out yet? Iago
: [mimcking Jafar
] 'Are we out yet? Are we out yet?' Yes, we're out!
Abis Mal, the Chief of the Thieves
: [hesitating on freeing Jafar
] Wait. How do I know that these things won't disappear once I set you free? Jafar
: [losing it
] The more pressing question is, how will you stay alive if you don't? Abis Mal, the Chief of the Thieves
] But... you said genies can't kill, you said that. Jafar
: You'd be surprised what you can live through.
: That was two wishes. Take your time with the third.
: Or you will wish you had never been born.
: Iago, you betrayed me and allied yourself with my enemies! Then you turned on them as soon at it was in your best interests. That's what I love about you. You're so perfectly predictable. A villain through and through!
Abis Mal, the Chief of the Thieves
: I got it! I could wish for the famed treasure chest of King Malakhan!
[Jafar makes the chest appear with Abis Mal in it, then makes it disappear
: Oh, I am dreadfully sorry. I thought that was your wish. Are you quite all right? Abis Mal, the Chief of the Thieves
] No, I am not quite all right. Jafar
: Wonderful! Good to see all is well.
: [Thinking he destroyed Jafar
] Hahahaha! Who's laughing now? Jafar
: Why, I believe it's me. Abu the Monkey
] Men cower at the power in my pinky / My thumb is number one on every list! But if you're not convinced that I'm invincible / put me to the test / I'd love to lay this rivalry to rest!
: [laughs sinisterly
] Good help is so hard to find these days, isn't it, Aladdin?
: The street rat? Still alive? No!
[after Iago has knocked the lamp into the molten magma
: My lamp!
[yells when he notices that he's losing his powers
: [bellowing at first, then softening down
] You will now release me! So that I may have my revenge. Iago
: [pulling himself loose from the sand, then shaking himself off
] Yeah, yeah, when I'm good and ready. Jafar
: Do as I say, you worthless pipsqueak! Iago
: You know something? You're nothing without me. Jafar
: What? Iago
: Who comes up with all the good ideas? Me! Who does all the work? Me!
Abis Mal, the Chief of the Thieves
: [while Jafar slashes the Sultan's turban
] Hey, that was a nice hat. I could've worn that hat. Jafar
: We need this for our plan. Abis Mal, the Chief of the Thieves
: Couldn't we use another hat for the plan? Jafar
: Oh, no. The Sultan's turban and this dagger are exactly what we need to seal Aladdin's doom.
: [to Aladdin
] You shall never have my lamp, and there is no one to save you this time! Iago
: [swooping down, shouting
] Hey, Jafar! Shut up!
: [after he demands Abis Mal to take him and the lamp to Agrabah, which makes Abis Mal speak nervous gibberish
] I suppose I am a bit too much for his limited mind.
: [he and Abis Mal appear at the sunken treasure ship of Coeur du Mer
] Poor, sweet baby. Aren't we enjoying our wish? Abis Mal, the Chief of the Thieves
: [muffled, as an octupus wraps one of its tentacles around Abis Mal
] No. Jafar
: Perhaps you wish me to return you to the desert? Abis Mal, the Chief of the Thieves
] Yes. Jafar
: Very well!
: [to Abis Mal
] Let's not be too hasty, my simple minded friend. It's not enough that we simply destroy Aladdin. After all, there are things so much worse than death! Jafar
: [laughs menacingly
] Abis Mal, the Chief of the Thieves
: [smiles evilly
: Give it up Jafar! We're obviously too much for you to handle! Jafar
: You! You're a fool to challenge me! I am all powerful! Aladdin 'Al'
: Some all powerful. You can't even get rid of a lowly street rat! Jafar
: A problem I need to rectify right NOW! Princess Jasmine
: [Iago flies past Jafar and snatches his lamp, but when he's about to hand it to Aladdin, Jafar hits him hard with a magical blast, which severely injures him and he flies and lands mostly limp onto a ledge above the magma with the lamp in front of him
] Hahahaha! Good help is so hard to find these days, isn't it, Aladdin?
[Iago then pulls one of his legs back, Jafar gasps, shortly before Iago manages to push the lamp off the ledge with his leg
: My lamp!
[It falls into the magma below
: You must forgive our princess, she is youthful, but... well meaning. Prince Achmed
] Do not feed me a shit and call it couscous, Ja'far.
] By royal decree of the Sultan and his executive branch, the entire 2D department is to be disbanded. All 150 of its members are to be sacked. Captain
: Mm-hm. We put them in burlap sacks and beat them until they were dead. Ja'far
: But those were men and women of talent and quality! All those masters of craftsmen just thrown right out the window! Captain
] Out of the highest window of the western tower.
: I walked right into his shop, and I fucked his puppy. Ja'far
] What? Ensemble
] Ja'far! That is another common expression. Yeah! It means that I put that merchant in his place as *if* he were a defenseless little puppy. Ja'far
: Oh. Oh... colorful expressions in the marketplace these days.
: But she's the princess. To even stand a chance, I'd have to have enough money to like, hire an army of assassins to kill the royal vizier and all the palace guards. Then I could sneak in and, you know, pork her. 'Cause dude, once I get my mind set on a chick, I just can't move on. Until I get this nut out. Ja'far
: Well first you must escape the Tiger Head Cave with your life. Ja'far
] Then you can get your nut out! Ja'far
] Your eternal nut out. Aladdin
: Phenomenal cosmic power... shitty, shitty living space.
: Some fool atop an elephant is leading a parade throughout the marketplace. Ja'far
: A parade? With no permits, no clearing of the streets? What of the apple carts? Captain
: They're all turned over!
: Sultan, princess? This guy is a sorcerer. Think about it! How is it that he knows so much shit? Hey Ja'far, where do hippopotamuses come from? Ja'far
: Africa. Aladdin
: See, how did you fucking know that, sorcerer?
, Sea Witch
: [Villians chanting
] I only wished, I only wished, I only wished, I only wished! Ensemble
: [Cruella appearing
] I only wished to have a coat made out of puppies! Ensemble
, Sea Witch
: [Everyone yelling at Cruella
] Just leave! What's wrong with you? Get out! That's insane! Why would you do that?
: I knew everything about him! He was my soulmate! My - my... Princess
] God, I am flaking out, what was his name? Ja'far
: Aladdin. Princess
: Aladdin. I'm writing that down.
: I was not charmed by the song you sang when you came out of the lamp and I am not charmed by your crazy bullshit now. You either need to back me the fuck up... Ja'far
] or shut the fuck up. Got it? Djinn
: You had me at hello.
[grins and looks around at the audience
: Okay Jesus Christ, I have no idea what is going on, but you're in no position to be handling that knife or this lamp!
: And what of our story? How does it end? Sherrezade
: It doesn't.
: Be wary of young boys who whip out their songs. A song is often a prelude... to a dick. A song is a dick in sheep's clothing!
: 'Tis said that marriage calms the tempestuous nature. He who now watches over her as his charge would cherish her as his wife. Granted my son is not gifted in speech or manners, but he is of noble birth and as a warrior, second to none.
: Your keen perceptions humble me.
: Did I perceive threat in the harem wench's words?
: The infant grows more comely! Jafar
: Give me not fresh irritation. When you are Caliph, you will have a carpet of maidens.
: I have not schemed and murdered to be foiled by that piece of trash!
: Idiot! Imposter! Jackal! Out of my sight!
: Accursed sword, can nothing move you? Donkeys! Imbeciles! Dogs! Out, out!
: But she loves the blind man. Jaffar
: Do you call the lisping of two children in the garden love? Love she has yet to learn and I have yet to teach her.
: Forget Ahmad. He's no longer blind. For a man with eyes the world is full of women. Only I am cursed, that I can see only you.
: Why do you close your eyes? There's little time left to see him.
: Strange how an unpleasant child can make a decent dog!
: Are men only to be ruled by fear? Jaffar
: Men are evil. Hatred behind their eyes, lies on their lips, betrayal in their hearts. You will learn one day, Great King, that there are three things that men respect: the lash that descends, the yoke that breaks, and the sword that slays. By the power and terror of these you may conquer the earth.
: That little squirt took down that Heartless! Who'd have thought it? Jafar
: Such is the power of the Keyblade. The child's strength is not his own. Ursula
: Why don't we turn him into a Heartless? That'll settle things quick enough. Captain Hook
: And the brat's friends are the king's lackeys. Swoogle me eyes, they're all bilge rats by the look of them. Oogie Boogie
: You're no prize yourself. Captain Hook
: Shut up! Maleficent
: Enough. The Keyblade has chosen him. Will it be he who conquers the darkness? Or will the darkness swallow him? Either way, he could be quite useful...
: Don't steep yourself in darkness too long. The Heartless consume the careless. Jafar
: Your concern is touching, but hardly necessary.
: So sorry, boy. I'm afraid your second wish has been denied.
: [Sora's party had defeated Clayton
] What drew the Heartless to that world? Maleficent
: The hunter lured them there. It was his lust for power that was the bait. But it seems the bait was too tasty for his own good. Oogie Boogie
] Yeah, he got chomped instead! Jafar
: A weak-hearted fool like him stood no chance against the Heartless. But the boy is a problem. He found one of the Keyholes. Maleficent
: Fear not. It will take him ages to find the rest. Besides, he remains blissfully unaware of our other plan. Ursula
: Yes, the princesses... Maleficent
: They're falling into our hands, one by one.
[Alice is revealed, having been captured
: Speaking of which...
: Take a hike, chickies.
Cruella De Vil
, Captain Hook
: Oh, Halloween at the House of Mouse, all treats and no tricks. If this were my house, I'd run things differently. Ursula
: Add a splash of evil? Captain Hook
: Pillage and plunger? Iago
: Blah, blah, blah. Every year it's the same thing. All talk and no play. What a bunch of dull villains. Jafar
: Well this year will be different. Jafar
: [Jafar holds a small hourglass
: I've got a trick for Mickey Mouse. But you'll have to wait till midnight.
: Say, isn't it time for your Halloween trick? Jafar
: Patients, Iago, Jafar
: [Jafar gets the hourglass again
] Midnight nears.
: Now you can watch me sit on the thrown you didn't believe I deserve. Old Prisoner
: A throne is made when the man who sits upon it is worthy. Where you sit, Jafar, is nothing more than a large chair.
: You're a fool. The only thing waiting in that prison... is death. Jafar
: Death and I have already met. Send him my regards.
[Snaps the guard's neck
: You're already so afraid. And I haven't even opened the door yet. Jafar
: What door? The Jabberwocky
: The one... inside your head. Everyone has a door like this where you keep all your most terrifying thoughts. Your greatest fears. Jafar
: I've been around dark magic most of my life. You'll have no luck getting inside my head. The Jabberwocky
: I'm not worried about getting inside your head. Don't you see? I'm already in there.
: A talking rabbit? That's madness. Jafar
: Sometimes the maddest stories... are the truest ones.
: We have so many patients... Jafar
: Of course you do, but how many of them escape in the company of a talking rabbit?
: [to his army of the dead
] Welcome back to the land of the living.
: It's time to find out if you're a woman who's prepared to do whatever it takes to get what she wants or just a little girl with a stolen crown and nothing else.
: Is this where you threaten him until I make a wish? You need a new trick, Jafar. Jafar
: I'll get a new trick when this one stops working.
: No... How can I BE defeated again, by a pack of filthy street rats? Sora
: Don't mess with street rats.
: I'm intrigued by you, Rabbit. The White Rabbit
: Not in a... a main course kind of way, I hope? Jafar
: Rest easy, you're far too valuable to cook. The White Rabbit
: Oh, what a relief.
: If I marry, my wife should be executed! Ja'Far
: Well, I'm sure we've all felt that way from time to time, sahidi.
: I imagine you must want to kill me for what I did. Knave of Hearts
: Why don't you open this door and we'll find out? Old Prisoner
: [to Jafar
] Haven't you tortured him enough? Show the boy some mercy! Jafar
: Mercy? And I suppose you'd be the expert on that subject. Old Prisoner
: I've learned the error of my ways. But I'm waiting for you to learn anything at all!
The Great Vizier
: [walks over to Sheherazade and wakes her up
] I must cut off your head.