Ludwig Von Drake
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"Walt Disney's Wonderful World of Color: Kids Is Kids (#8.11)" (1961)
Ludwig Von Drake: [talking about his book on modern child psychology] My book is filled with helpful suggestions for all you parents. But in case you get nothing from the inside, you'll find the outside useful on their little backside.
[he chuckles]
Ludwig Von Drake: Of course, I don't need any help raising children. I'm a bachelor.

Ludwig Von Drake: Now, most child experts usually study thousands of families and they make one chart. But I studied one family and I made thousands of charts.

Ludwig Von Drake: Now we all know that 1 and 1 makes 2, but when it comes to marriage 1 and 1 makes 3, a 4, 5, 6, 7 8 9 10, 11, 40, 93, 87, hike, o'er to the left, shoot, give me the ball, I've got to run with the ball, and I'm over the
Ludwig Von Drake: wait a second, what is... and after several years, you're up to here in kids.

Ludwig Von Drake: Look at all the thousands of letters from frustrated parents complaining that their brats... er, children... are noisy, destructive, disobedient, and uncontrollable. In other words, perfectly normal.

Ludwig Von Drake: [going through thousands of letters from frustrated parents] These letters are all about the same.
[picks up one letter]
Ludwig Von Drake: Now here's a typical one:
Ludwig Von Drake: "Dear Doctor, HELP!"

Ludwig Von Drake: [about Donald and his nephews] I call them Family X and oh they are average alright, they were TERRIBLE, especially Mr. X!
Ludwig Von Drake: He was a real beaut, that Mr. X!

Ludwig Von Drake: The first chapter in my kookbook and I call it a kookbook because it's about this kooky family, starts at the beginning, it's about birthdays, and that's where *everything* starts.

Ludwig Von Drake: [spying on the nephews from a tree] Unlike the other experts, I didn't bring them to my clinic, I observed them in their natural habitat. I did that once with a wallaby, a little bear from Australia, and very interesting. Course you observe humans from a distance like you would a lion or a tiger, anything that's... no sense in taking chances, I mean
Ludwig Von Drake: it's a lot safer this way.

Ludwig Von Drake: It's never too early to learn the value of money. After all, what can you do without money? Come to think of it, what can you do with it? Nothing.

Ludwig Von Drake: Playing games is very important for the development of good sportsmanship, nobody likes a poor winner, especially the loser or vices virtue or something like that.

Ludwig Von Drake: As part of my research on this chapter, I observed family X at play. While I observed Family X, I made sure they didn't observe me, because if they observed me observing them observing me, well naturally they wouldn't act naturally, naturally.

Donald Duck: [to his nephews; laughing] You boys are awful!
Ludwig Von Drake: [watching from behind a snowman] Uh-oh.
Donald Duck: This time, I'll do it blindfolded.
Ludwig Von Drake: Blindfolded! How cocky in hockey can you get? Never belittle children's abilities. They might develop complexes, and then the parent is liable to get hurt.
[looks out again; sees nephews in a huddle]
Ludwig Von Drake: Just as I thought, they're planning some mayhem already.

Donald Duck: [thinking he's an angel ascending to Heaven] Goodbye boys, goodbye!
Huey and Dewey: Goodbye, Uncle Donald!
Ludwig Von Drake: [waving from inside a tree] Goodbye sucker!

Ludwig Von Drake: [Donald thinks he's died and is an angel] An angel? He'll NEVER get in.

Ludwig Von Drake: Parents often complain that their children eat like pigs. Now that's not nice to say about the children, they don't eat like pigs, they just look like pigs.

Donald Duck: Well, they are on a vacation.
Ludwig Von Drake: Maybe HE'S on vacation, but I'm working, and right now his kids are working on him!

Ludwig Von Drake: One of the most important chapters in my book is the one on what to do with the kids during summer vacation. Well whatever you do, get them out of the house, go to the mountains, go to the beach, go anywhere, but go! Or you're gonna go nuts! Had I known that Family X was going to be on the go so much, I would've chosen Family Y! But I was determined to hang on until my research was completed.

Ludwig Von Drake: [Donald's acting like a baby and ripping up the boys' comic book] There are many ways to get your point across to the child. This is one for the book,
[rips out his sheet]
Ludwig Von Drake: but not *my* book.

Ludwig Von Drake: [Donald's pretending to be a baby and crying] Some methods of training children are better than others, and this is the *worst* one I've ever seen!

Ludwig Von Drake: Now how can a parent teach his children to grow up when he acts younger than they do?

Ludwig Von Drake: [Donald's been knocked out and the boys make it look like he was killed by a boulder and is now an angel] Children have very vivid imaginations, and that's good. An alert parent should encourage this, but I'll tell you something, I've never seen it go this far before!
Ludwig Von Drake: Going up!

Ludwig Von Drake: For ten years I had followed them, and you know what happens to kids after ten years? They become teenagers! One day your kids are asking for hot cereal and the next they're asking for hotrods. From quart of milk to gallons of gas in one. The only chance I had to rest and assemble my notes was when they had their car parked.

Ludwig Von Drake: There are two viewpoints as to whether teenagers should have a car. The answer to both to be perfectly fair is no! But now that they have it, the parent should sell his car and buy a filling station because it's cheaper that way. And that's exactly what Mr. X did. He not only bought it, he ran it. How cheap can you get?

[last lines]
Ludwig Von Drake: After all my research on this typical, interesting family, I've come to one important conclusion. You want to know what is that conclusion? I've had it! I have had it, I've had it! Ten years around Mr. X was ten years too much! His kids weren't so bad. The trouble is, children grow up and become adults.
Ludwig Von Drake: And this is murder. But after taking notes for ten years, my research was finally completed. It covered everything.

Ludwig Von Drake: [having lost Family X while following them on vacation] When I realized I had lost Family X, I lost my head. Fortunately, I still had my thumb.
[seen trying to hitchhike with other cars]

Down and Out with Donald Duck (1987) (TV)
Ludwig Von Drake: [trying to diagnose Donald's problems] There's one missing figure here. Hmm, let's see. What does the name Mickey Mouse mean to you?
Donald Duck: [shocked] Mickey?
[jumps up, flashes back to "Magician Mickey"]
Donald Duck: It's always the same terrible dream!

Ludwig Von Drake: I was determined to penetrate his mental blockhead.
Ludwig Von Drake: I mean block. No, come to think of it, I mean blockhead.

Ludwig Von Drake: [having hypnotized Donald by hitting him on the head with a mallet, knocking him out] That's my new instant-type hypnosis.
Ludwig Von Drake: Years of experimentation and it works every time. Now, Mr. Duck, tell me about your relationship with your family.
Donald Duck: I love them, but they broke my heart.
[flashes back to "Donald's Nephews"]

Donald Duck: [talking about Huey, Dewey and Louie] They don't care about me! I know it!
Ludwig Von Drake: Take it easy. Everybody has family troubles. Now, what about your neighbors?
Donald Duck: My neighbors? I love my neighbors!
Ludwig Von Drake: Lighten up, Mr. Duck.
Donald Duck: But they're out to get me! They're all out to get me! I remember once when I was moving in the house...
[flashes back to "The New Neighbor"]

Ludwig Von Drake: Psychoanalyzing a mixed-up duck was the most confusing case in all my forty years of practicing psychiatry. After 76 concentrations, he was getting nowhere. I was getting somewhere. I was getting as confused as he was! But I knew that somewhere in Mr. Duck's subconscious lay the answer.

Ludwig Von Drake: [drawing an outline of Donald's head] It was obvious that the true cause of Donald's troubles was located right here.
[draws several squares inside the head including two shaped like dice and another with the letter M in it]
Ludwig Von Drake: Right next to the dice and below the marriage block. A big one for Donald, but that's another story.
[draws another square between the marriage block and dice, then adds the letter T to it]
Ludwig Von Drake: Now, I call it the T block, for temper!
[the T block explodes]

"Walt Disney's Wonderful World of Color: Inside Donald Duck (#8.6)" (1961)
Ludwig Von Drake: Please, Mr. Duck, are you sure you left nothing out?
Donald Duck: Well, there's one little thing: I do have a slight temper.
Ludwig Von Drake: What's that? I can't understand a word you're saying.
Donald Duck: [getting angry; shouting] I said I have a temper, doggone it! Don't you understand English?
Ludwig Von Drake: A temper? Oh, that's good! Now we're really getting somewhere. That's beautiful. Oh, please tell me all about it.
Donald Duck: Well, for example, yesterday, when I went over to Daisy's house...
[cut to beginning of "Cured Duck"]

Ludwig Von Drake: Psychoanalyzing a mixed-up duck was the most confusing case in all my 40 years of practicing psychiatry. After 76 consultations, he was getting nowhere. I was getting somewhere, I getting as confused as he was! But I knew that somewhere in Mr. Duck's subconscious lay the answer.

Ludwig Von Drake: Young man, I'm Dr. Ludwig Von Drake. Kindly take me to Mr. Walt DIsney.
Himself - Host: *I'm* Walt Disney.
Ludwig Von Drake: I knew it the moment I saw you! I never forget a face, never forget a face. Alright, now lie down and relax.
[pushes Walt down onto his couch]
Ludwig Von Drake: That's it. That's a nice boy.
Himself - Host: But Doctor...!
Ludwig Von Drake: [waves his pocket watch in front of Walt] Now, just watch the watch. Watch the watch.
Himself - Host: No, no, Doctor. There's nothing wrong with me.
Ludwig Von Drake: [laughs] That's what they *all* say.

A Symposium on Popular Songs (1962)
[zoom in on large mansion with extensive grounds, statuary, and monuments]
Ludwig Von Drake: Hello there! Welcome to my modest home!

Ludwig Von Drake: Around the turn of the century, I was a starving musician, and I was down to my last rutabaga. And anybody knows what that means: I was dressed in rags all the time.
Ludwig Von Drake: Even my clothes was in rags. And I said to myself, "That's it! I will call my new syncopation... ragtime!"

Ludwig Von Drake: Popularity is fickle, and soon my ragtime was worn to shreds and the people shouted, "Ludwig, pay your bills!" No, that isn't what they said, that was my laundry man who said that.

DTV Valentine (1986) (TV)
Ludwig Von Drake: The most recent development in the history of romance was the invention of rock 'n' roll. Almost overnight, the jukebox replaced Cupid. And you know something? Things haven't been the same since!

Ludwig Von Drake: [taking a TV set apart] Hello there! I'll be right with you; I'm trying to hook up to DTV. You want to know what DTV is?
[works his way into the TV set and throws out the monitor]
Ludwig Von Drake: DTV is music videos, only they mix the best of Disney cartoons with rock 'n' roll.
[turns a dial on the TV]
Ludwig Von Drake: All you have to do is turn on this little knob and you've got your DTV! See?
[nothing happens; Von Drake gets impatient, hitting the TV and twisting the dial so much he breaks it off]
Ludwig Von Drake: What's the matter with this thing? It's a new stereo TV!
[he shakes the TV, trying to get something to happen, but still nothing]
Ludwig Von Drake: Oh well.
[he chuckles, then gives the TV a hard kick; suddenly, the monitor, connected to the TV only by way of wires, turns on, formally starting the special]

"Walt Disney's Wonderful World of Color: The Hunting Instinct (#8.5)" (1961)
Walt Disney: [to Von Drake] How do you do, Professor? I'm Walt...
Ludwig Von Drake: Don't tell me! I'm gonna tell you. That's Mr. Dilly, isn't that you? Willy? Nilly? Fisby?
Walt Disney: Disney. D-I-S-N-E-Y.
Ludwig Von Drake: [laughs] Oh, Disney, of course. I knew it all the time. I never forget a face. You're the fellow who works for my nephew, Donald Duck, isn't that right?
Walt Disney: Yes, I guess you could put it that way...

"Walt Disney's Wonderful World of Color: Man Is His Own Worst Enemy (#9.5)" (1962)
Ludwig Von Drake: Man is the only animal with the ability to think. And no other animal can make that statement. And if he does, he's lying!