Waldorf
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Quotes for
Waldorf (Character)
from "The Muppet Show" (1976)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Muppet Show: Juliet Prowse (#1.1)" (1977)
Statler: The question is, what is a muh-nah-muh-nah?
Waldorf: The question is, who cares?

Waldorf: He's doing it! He's eating a tire!
Statler: Amazing!
Waldorf: Astounding!
Statler: Boooor-ing!

Waldorf: She just vanished! How did she do that?
Statler: Probably like this.
[vanishes]
Waldorf: Yep, that's probably how she did it.

Waldorf: More! More!
Statler: Less! Less!

Waldorf: That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird. They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny."
[Statler's cigar explodes]
Waldorf: ... although some of them are really quite droll.

Statler: Hey, Waldorf, I was wondering if maybe you...
[continues to move his lips]
Waldorf: Darn, I'd better get some new batteries for my hearing aid.
Statler: Ha ha ha! I fool him every time!
[Waldorf punches Statler in the jaw]

Waldorf: Well, what did you think?
Statler: Beats sitting around watching television.
Mahna Mahna: Mahna Mahna!


"The Muppet Show: Connie Stevens (#1.2)" (1977)
[guest star Connie Stevens has just finished singing "Close to You"]
Waldorf: I'd like to get close to Connie Stevens. But I'm already close to something else.
Statler: What's that?
Waldorf: Ninety.

Statler: I love it! I love it!
Waldorf: Of course he loves it; he's the kind of guy who plants poison ivy.

Waldorf: Fifteen love.

Statler: [after Connie Stevens sings 'Teenager In Love'] How poignant, I remember being a teenager in love.
Waldorf: Yeah, but Queen Victoria wouldn't have you.

Statler: You think this show is educational?
Waldorf: Yes, it will drive people to read books.


A Muppet Family Christmas (1987) (TV)
Statler: We'd *love* to see your act.
Waldorf: But we'd hate to *miss* your act.
Statler: In fact, we'd love to *hate* your act!
[they cackle]

Snowman: Hey Fozzie.
Fozzie Bear: Yes, Mr. Snowman?
Snowman: Did you hear about the church that burned down?
Statler, Waldorf: Holy smoke!
[they cackle]

Statler: Well, you know what they say...
Waldorf: If you can't stand the heat, get outta the farmhouse!
[they laugh]

Waldorf: After all, there's no business like *snow* business!

Statler: These two comics were made for each other.
Waldorf: Hm?
Statler: The snowman's ice cold, and the bear's not so hot!
[they laugh]


Muppet*vision 3-D (1991)
Waldorf: Hey, hey, what's going on?
Sweetums: Bean Bunny ran away!
Statler: Well, you know what that makes him...
Waldorf, Statler: SMARTER THAN US!

Statler: Well, what do you think?
Waldorf: Do we have time to go to the bathroom before the next show?
Statler: We can't. We're bolted to the seats!

[first lines]
Statler: Hey, Waldorf, what is this anyway?
Waldorf: Oh, it's one of those 3-D movies. Better put on your glasses.
[Statler does so]
Statler: [looking at the audience] Hey, check out the guy in the Goofy mask.
Waldorf: That's no mask.
Statler: Ooops. Sorry, lady!

Statler: Oh, no, it's that bear again.
Waldorf: Hey, bear, you're not even funny in 3-D!
[they laugh]
Fozzie Bear: Oh, no, not you guys. How'd you get here?
Statler: We entered a contest.
Waldorf: Yeah. We lost!

Statler: [Bean is reunited with the other Muppets] This is a very moving moment.
Waldorf: Yeah. I wish they'd move it to Pittsburgh.


"The Muppet Show: Gilda Radner (#3.4)" (1978)
Statler: Why did they want the igloo?
Waldorf: I don't know. Maybe somebody must have broken their ig.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: There. I have just placed on Gilda's forehead a single, teensy, weensy drop of Muppet's new super adhesive. Now we'll wait a moment for it to get tacky.
Statler: What are we waiting for?
Waldorf: For it to get tacky.
Statler: Another first for this show.
Waldorf: How's that?
Statler: It's the first time we've had to wait for it to get tacky.

Waldorf: Well, that must be the glue, all right.
Statler: Well, what glue is that?
Waldorf: The one they mend the ig with.

Statler: Good night!
Waldorf: So long!
[they suddenly notice that their hands are stuck to the railings of their box seats]
Statler, Waldorf: Oh, no!
[struggle to get unstuck]


"The Muppet Show: Milton Berle (#2.3)" (1977)
Statler: Hey, Berle.
Milton Berle: What?
Statler: You know what? I've just figured out your style.
Milton Berle: Really?
Waldorf: You work like Gregory Peck.
Milton Berle: Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
Waldorf: Well...
Milton Berle: Now, just a minute. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
Waldorf: How come we got this half?

Milton Berle: I dare you both to come down here to entertain.
Waldorf: Yeah, we should.
Milton Berle: Do you sing?
Waldorf: No.
Milton Berle: Do you dance?
Statler: No.
Milton Berle: Do you get laughs?
Waldorf: No.
Milton Berle: Then what would you do?
Waldorf: Just what you're doing!

Waldorf: There's something wrong with this hearing aid.
Statler: Yeah, what's wrong?
Waldorf: I can't hear it.
[accidentally knocks it off the balcony]
Statler: Oh, no wonder! It's too far away.

Waldorf: Well, I finally got my hearing aid working.
Statler: Hmm? Speak up, my hearing aid's not working!
Waldorf: Huh?


"The Muppet Show: Joel Grey (#1.3)" (1976)
Waldorf: The show's speeding along very quickly this evening.
Statler: Oh yes, someone must have told them it's harder to hit a moving target.

Waldorf: More! More!
Statler: [softly] No, not so loud! They may hear you!

Waldorf: [after "Wilkommen"] Another star in the tradition of the late great Boris Klinger.
Statler: Boris Klinger? Why, you old fool! Boris Klinger was the worst music hall act to ever step onto the stage!
Waldorf: In your opinion maybe, but more than 2,000 people attended his final performance.
Statler: Yes, yes. Half of them brought the tar and the rest brought the feathers!

Waldorf: [Kermit complained about what a dull guest Joel is] Dull, my foot; why, that young man's one of the all-time greats! You hear me? One of the greats!
Statler: Well, you'll get no argument from me on that.
Waldorf: That may be the first time we ever agreed on anything in our lives.
Statler: No, we once agreed in the summer of 1912.
Waldorf: What was that?
Statler: We agreed that Kaiser Bill looked silly in a hat! Remember?
Waldorf: [laughs] No.


"The Muppet Show: Rudolf Nureyev (#2.13)" (1978)
Statler: You know, the older I get, the more I appreciate good music.
Waldorf: Yeah? What's that got to do with what we just heard?
Statler: Nothing, just thought I'd mention it.

Statler: You know, there's nothing like grand opera.
Waldorf: Yep, and that was nothing like it.

Statler: That really offended me. I'm a student of Shakespeare.
Waldorf: Ha! You were a student *with* Shakespeare.

Statler: Boy, he's really good, that Rudolf Nureyay... Nurayeye... You know, I should really learn to pronounce his name.
Waldorf: Don't bother now. After this show, he'll probably change it!
[both laugh]


"The Muppet Show: George Burns (#2.10)" (1977)
Statler: Well, there it is. Your basic Latin number.
Waldorf: Actually, that's your basic Pig Latin number.

Waldorf: How do they do it?
Statler: How do *we watch* it?
Waldorf: *Why* do we watch it?
Statler: [to audience] Why do *you* watch it?

Statler: [reacting to the Luncheon Counter Monster eating a machine] Disgusting! Ever see eating like that?
Waldorf: Sure.
Statler: Where?
Waldorf: Thanksgiving dinner with my in-laws.

Statler: Can you sing tenor?
Waldorf: What?
Statler: Can you sing tenor, as in ten or eleven miles away from here?


"The Muppet Show: Lesley Ann Warren (#3.15)" (1979)
Gonzo: [seated on a motorcycle, about to perform a motorcycle stunt] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This evening, I will perform a feat of lunatic daring. Before your very eyes, I will ride this motorcycle up this ramp and jump directly into...
[looks up at Waldorf and Statler's theater box]
Gonzo: ... THAT box, landing safely between those two elderly gentlemen.
Waldorf, Statler: [looking at each other; alarmed] What!
Gonzo: Oh, I can assure you, you'll be in no danger.
Statler: You're right.
Waldorf: We'll be in Chicago!

Kermit the Frog: And now, for the second time this evening, the Great Gonzo will attempt a motorcycle jump off of this stage into that box up there, landing safely between those two elderly gentlemen!
Statler: We're not afraid. We know Gonzo!
Waldorf: If at first you don't succeed, fail, fail again!

[Gonzo's motorcycle from earlier is still in Waldorf and Statler's theater box, teetering on the edge]
Waldorf: You know, this show is beginning to roll.
Statler: So is the motorbike.
[the motorcycle falls out of the box]


The Muppets (2011)
[from trailer]
Statler: Is this movie in 3-D?
Waldorf: Nope! The Muppets are as one-dimensional as they've always been!

Statler: I always dreamed we'd be back here.
Waldorf: Dreams? Those were nightmares!

[Waldorf finishes explaining the contract]
Statler: If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were reciting some sort of important plot point.
Waldorf: I hope so. Otherwise I would've bored half the audience half to death.
Statler: You mean half the audience is still alive?


Muppets Most Wanted (2014)
Rowlf the Dog: [On the sign in German] Die Muppets?
Waldorf: It looks like the reviews are out early.
Statler: Or maybe that's the suggestion box.

[Miss Piggy does the Macarena]
Statler: I don't believe it! They've managed the impossible! What an achievement! Bravo, bravo!
Waldorf: What, you mean you actually like this show now?
Statler: No, they've made the show even worse!

[first lines]
Film Crew: And cut!
Walter: Wow, that was so amazing!
Kermit: Walter, you did a wonderful job.
Walter: Thank you, Kermit. Did we get that?
Miss Piggy: We got it.
Kermit: We got it, yup.
Film Crew: [speaks into bullhorn] Movie's over, people, go home. That is a wrap.
Scooter: Okay, nice work, everyone. Make sure to fill out your I-9's, and we'll see you on the next one.
Scooter: [crew leaves the set] So uh, what do we do now?
Fozzie Bear: Well, we're together again. We got the theater and all our fans are back.
Rowlf the Dog: Actually, those were extras.
Fozzie Bear: I saw a few tapping their toes.
Scooter: Yeah, those were paid dancers.
Fozzie Bear: Oh.
Miss Piggy: Or, maybe since we're all here, now could be the perfect time for you and me to tie the knot, Kermie.
Kermit: [stammering] Well... I mean, maybe I could-...
Walter: Hey, what's the camera still doing here?
Statler: Oh no, disaster! That can only mean one thing!
Waldorf: Doggone it, you're right.
Statler: Mm-hmm.
Waldorf: It looks like they've ordered a sequel.
Statler, Waldorf: Doh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!


"The Muppet Show: Paul Williams (#1.8)" (1976)
Waldorf: Eh, this show is good for what ails me.
Statler: Well, what ails ya?
Waldorf: Insomnia.

Waldorf: Science, huh? They can put a man on the moon...
Statler: Yeah, but they can't put a moon on a man!

Waldorf: [responding to Paul Williams doing "Old Fashioned Love Song"] He's a credit to his race.
Statler: What race is that?
Waldorf: The hundred-yard dash.


"The Muppet Show: James Coco (#3.12)" (1978)
Waldorf: That seemed like something very different.
Statler: Did you like it?
Waldorf: No.
Statler: Than it wasn't different.

Waldorf: What was that?
Statler: It's called the medium sketch.
Waldorf: The medium sketch?
Statler: Yeah, it wasn't rare, and it certainly wasn't well done.

Waldorf: Well, shall we leave?
Statler: Why should we leave now? The worst part's over.
[they both laugh]


"The Muppet Show: Lou Rawls (#2.15)" (1977)
Statler: I loved tonight's show!
Waldorf: Really?
Statler: Of course not. I just wanted to see if I could say it.
[they both laugh]

[Fozzie is doing a joke while on roller skates]
Waldorf: Hey, this is a great way for Fozzie to do his material.
Statler: Yeah, a moving target is harder to hit.

Statler: That Lou Rawls is one fantastic singer.
Waldorf: Well, so am I! Hey, you want to hear me sing?
Statler: Only if you sing solo.
Waldorf: Solo?
Statler: So low I can't hear!


"The Muppet Show: Edgar Bergen (#2.7)" (1977)
[Waldorf is by himself in the balcony seats; Statler's seat is empty]
Waldorf: He shouldn't have jumped. The show's not that bad.

Waldorf: Now why would they have a bunch of chickens singing "Baby Face"?
Statler: Because the alligators were sick.
Waldorf: That makes sense.

[a bunch of chickens just played "Down at Papa Joe's" on the piano]
Waldorf: Terrible.
Statler: Awful! I hated it!
[a giant chicken approaches them from behind and clucks at them loudly; they are startled]
Waldorf: Wonderful!
Statler: Spectacular!
Waldorf: I liked it!
Statler: Yeah, I loved it! I loved it!


The Great Muppet Caper (1981)
Statler: I guess all's well that ends well.
Waldorf: Doesn't matter to me, as long as it ends.

Statler: Hey, Waldorf. Wake up. Here come the bikinis!
Waldorf: Oh, boy! We better synchronize our pacemakers.

[Statler and Waldorf are watching a fashion show]
Statler: Nice lines!
Waldorf: Yeah! And the dresses aren't bad either!


"The Muppet Show: Bernadette Peters (#2.12)" (1977)
Waldorf: Wow! Wonderful! Wonderful! That Bernadette Peters is terrific!
Statler: Well, I reserve judgment.
Waldorf: 'Til when?
Statler: 'Til the pig tells me what to say.
[Miss Piggy appears behind them]
Miss Piggy: Bernadette Peters you can like.
Statler: I loved her! I loved her!
Miss Piggy: [suddenly angry] It's the mouse you gotta hate!
Statler: I hated her!
Waldorf: Terrible mouse!
Statler: That was rotten!
Waldorf: Boo!
Statler: Boo!

Statler: Seriously, what did you think of Miss Mousey?
Waldorf: I loved her.
Statler: Me, too.
Miss Piggy: [appearing behind them] What!
Statler, Waldorf: [startled] No, we didn't!
Miss Piggy: Thank you.

Sam The Eagle: [Sam has concluded telling the story of the Ant and The Grasshopper where the Ant got stepped on and the Grasshopper drove to Florida] Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait that was not in the script. Someone changed it we'll have to do it again oh.
[Sam puts head down on the book]
Statler: The Grasshopper drove to Florida.
Waldorf: The Ant got stepped on.
[They both laugh and Sam pops in to yell at them]
Sam The Eagle: [Angry] Will you stop that?
[Sam leaves]
Waldorf: Why are they picking on us tonight?


The Muppet Movie (1979)
[first lines]
Statler: I'm Statler.
Waldorf: I'm Waldorf. We're here to heckle "The Muppet Movie".
Gate Guard: Gentlemen, that's straight ahead. Private screening room D.
Statler: Private screening?
Waldorf: Yeah, they're afraid to show it in public.
[they laugh as their car proceeds forward]

Statler: I like the movie fine so far.
Waldorf: It hasn't started yet.
Statler: That's what I like about it.
[they laugh]

Statler: Well, how do you like the film?
Waldorf: I've seen detergents leave a better film than this.
[they laugh]


"The Muppet Show: Judy Collins (#2.5)" (1978)
Waldorf: This theater is solid as a rock! Watch this.
[stomps on the floor, then suddenly falls through it]

Statler: You know, when I see that Judy Collins, I'm glad I left my wife.
Waldorf: You left your wife?
Statler: Yeah, I left her at home.

Statler: Ever eat any of that Swedish Chef's food?
Waldorf: Are you kidding? If I did, I'd be dead!
Statler: That's why I asked.


"The Muppet Show: Don Knotts (#2.1)" (1977)
Statler: This show is awful!
Waldorf: Terrible!
Statler: Disgusting!
Waldorf: See you next week?
Statler: Of course.

Statler: I know what's wrong with this show.
Waldorf: What?
Statler: It's the theater.
Waldorf: What's wrong with it?
Statler: The seats face the stage!

[the Swedish Chef tried to make fishie chowder]
Waldorf: [groaning] Ohh...
Statler: What's wrong with you?
Waldorf: It's either this show or indigestion. I hope it's indigestion.
Statler: Why?
Waldorf: It'll get better in a little while.


"The Muppet Show: Madeline Kahn (#2.9)" (1977)
Statler: We got our money's worth tonight.
Waldorf: But we paid nothing.
Statler: That's what we got!

[the Swedish Chef had tried to put a lobster in a pot, only for it to be saved by a bunch of gun-toting lobster banditos]
Statler: You know, I think they were trying to make a point with that sketch.
Waldorf: What's the point?
Statler: You're right. Forget it.

Statler: [about the Pigs In Space sketch] You know, that was almost funny.
Waldorf: They better be careful, they'll spoil a perfect record.


"The Muppet Show: Teresa Brewer (#2.22)" (1977)
Statler: [responding to the Muppets performing "Cotton Fields"] I can remember when cotton was king.
Waldorf: You can remember when Arthur was king.

[after performing a frantic version of "Wild Thing" with his drum set, Animal gets dragged offstage with nets]
Waldorf: I wonder where they took him?
Statler: Well, wherever it is, I'll bet it's more fun than here.

Statler: [about the Muppet Labs segment] That was great, fantastic!
Waldorf: Meh, didn't like it.
Statler: Oh, what would you know, you old fool?
Waldorf: Don't call me an old fool, or I'll give you the evil eye!
Statler: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm scared! I'm scared!
[Waldorf stares at him with one eye bulging out, shocking him into submission]
Waldorf: [to the viewers] I warned him!


"The Muppet Show: Zero Mostel (#2.2)" (1977)
Waldorf: You know, I'm really going to enjoy tonight!
Statler: You plan to like this show?
Waldorf: [pulling out a television set] No, I plan to watch television!

Waldorf: [as he and Statler watch something on a TV in their balcony seats] What's the name of this movie?
Statler: "Beach Blanket Frankenstein".
Waldorf: Awful.
Statler: Terrible film!
Waldorf: Yeah, well, we could watch "The Muppet Show" instead.
[they peek up over the TV and look out at the stage, then return to the TV, shaking their heads]
Statler: Wonderful.
Waldorf: Terrific film!

Statler: [as he and Waldorf watch the TV] Let's switch channels, this show is dull.
Waldorf: You bet.
[they do so]
Statler: What is THAT?
Waldorf: It looks like two ancient old guys sitting in a theater box watching television.
Statler: That's crazy! No one would watch junk like that!


"The Muppet Show: Harvey Korman (#1.10)" (1976)
Waldorf: The show didn't exactly lay an egg.
Chicken: Bawk.
Statler: Wanna bet?

Statler: Well, that's better than opening it with a bang.
[Crazy Harry then appears]
Crazy Harry: Heheheheheh! Did somebody say "bang"?
Waldorf: No!
[they punch Harry in the face]
Crazy Harry: Well, you can't win 'em all.
[they punch him again]


A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa (2008) (TV)
Waldorf: [as the Muppets are dropped off by the postman] Look at what the post office sent.
Statler: Yeah. Return to sender!

Statler: This is my favorite Christmas tradition.
Waldorf: Carolers?
Statler: No, heckling them!
[both laugh]
Statler: Hey, how about you do Silent Night?
Waldorf: Not sing it, just stay silent all night!


"The Muppet Show: Kenny Rogers (#4.10)" (1979)
[Statler is wearing a hard hat]
Waldorf: What's the hard hat for?
Statler: I want to be ready in case they start throwing pigs at us again!
[they both laugh]

Statler: Did you see that?
Waldorf: Yes, the frog is certainly taking a beating on this show.
Statler: It's hard to feel sorry for him. We take a beating EVERY show!
[they both laugh]


"The Muppet Show: Liberace (#3.9)" (1978)
Waldorf: Greek music, very appropriate for the pigs.
Statler: The pigs are from Greece?
Waldorf: The pigs are greasy.

Statler: Finally, we've seen them do a good show.
Waldorf: Good. Can we please stop coming now?


"Walt Disney's Wonderful World of Color: The Muppets at Walt Disney World (#34.23)" (1990)
Fozzie Bear: That's what we call a Disney joke.
Statler: No, that's what we call a dismal joke.
Fozzie Bear: Oh, please guys, stop trying to make a fool of me!
Waldorf: You don't need our help for that.
Fozzie Bear: You think you're so funny?
Statler: Well, we know you're not so funny.

Waldorf: Are we the wrong generation for this kind of comedy?
Statler: No, the wrong species.


"The Muppet Show: Ethel Merman (#1.22)" (1977)
Waldorf: I remember Ethel Merman in the opening of "Panama Hattie".
Statler: You're old enough to remember Teddy Roosevelt at the opening of the Panama Canal.

Statler: [scratching himself] I wonder why I'm so itchy?
Waldorf: Maybe the show's starting to get under your skin.


"The Muppet Show: Mummenschanz (#1.24)" (1977)
Waldorf: Bravo! Bravo!
Statler: What are you bravo-ing about?
Waldorf: That performance! It was first rate.
Statler: Yes, it was good. But only one act I've ever seen deserved a bravo.
Waldorf: Oh, really, who was that?
Statler: Lady Beth Macintosh and her singing parakeet. I'll never forget her closing night at the Palace.
Waldorf: Really? What happened?
Statler: Well, she fell into a box of birdseed just before going on stage and she was pecked to death by the parakeet!
Waldorf: That's a hard act to follow.
Statler: Yeah, well, I was there and I cried.
Waldorf: Really? What did you cry?
Statler: Bravo! Bravo!

Waldorf: That was a funny show.
Statler: Yes, it was. I wonder if they meant it that way.


"The Muppet Show: Brooke Shields (#5.6)" (1980)
Statler: [Statler and Waldorf are dressed as Tweedledee and Tweedledum] What's that noise?
Waldorf: I think it's Lewis Carrol turning over in his grave.
[They both laugh]

Waldorf: What did you think of Humpty Dumpty?
Statler: Terrible. I hate off-the-wall comedy.
[They both laugh]


"The Muppet Show: Nancy Walker (#2.6)" (1977)
Waldorf: Well, how do you feel about nudity?
Statler: Well, personally, it always left me cold.

Waldorf: Wonderful! I loved it!
Statler: Who's your favorite?
Waldorf: Who else? The frog.


"The Muppet Show: Lola Falana (#4.11)" (1979)
Waldorf: You know, it's too bad Gonzo's leaving the show.
Statler: Yeah. I can think of some other people I'd rather see leave the show.
Waldorf: Who?
Statler: Me.

Statler: You know, Gonzo would have been perfect for that movie he was going to star in.
Waldorf: What movie was that?
Statler: "The Revenge of the Little Blue Geek".
[both laugh]


"The Muppet Show: Charles Aznavour (#1.9)" (1976)
Statler: I really liked the show tonight.
Waldorf: At these prices, who's going to complain?

[responding to Fozzie's monologue]
Statler: I wouldn't say conditions at the club were bad, but when we asked where we could take a bath...
Waldorf: The manager ran us through the car wash next door.


"The Muppet Show: Alice Cooper (#3.7)" (1978)
Statler: So that was Alice Cooper?
Waldorf: You should see his sister James Fenimore.
[they both laugh]

Waldorf: What did you think of that?
Statler: Out of sight!
Waldorf: You mean you liked it?
Statler: No, it was out of sight. I had my eyes closed.


"The Muppet Show: Elton John (#2.14)" (1978)
[Statler and Waldorf are wearing flamboyant Elton John-type costumes]
Statler: Boy, we really look like something from the rock age!
Waldorf: No, we look more like something from the Stone Age!

Statler: Well, what'd you think?
[suddenly, they see a chicken chase after the Swedish Chef with a cleaver]
Waldorf: I hate running gags!


"The Muppet Show: Lynn Redgrave (#3.23)" (1979)
Statler: Well, I've seen a lot of versions of Robin Hood, but none to match this one.
Waldorf: How's that?
Statler: The others were all good.

Statler: The legend of Robin Hood will never die.
Waldorf: No, but it sure got wounded pretty badly tonight.


"The Muppet Show: Ruth Buzzi (#1.4)" (1976)
Statler: Did you like the show?
Waldorf: [robotic voice] No, I didn't... No, I didn't...

Fozzie Bear: A lot of these folks want to see me!
Statler: Well, so do we.
Fozzie Bear: You want to see me perform?
Waldorf: No, retire!


"The Muppet Show: Liza Minnelli (#4.14)" (1979)
Statler: [Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a cell in the balcony] How long are we here for?
Waldorf: Twenty years.
Statler: If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair.
[They both laugh]

Statler: Run for your life!
Waldorf: This show is murder!


"The Muppet Show: John Cleese (#2.23)" (1977)
Waldorf: Well, see you next time.
Statler: Yes, unless I get lucky and break my leg.

[Gonzo's stunt has been to use his bare hands to catch a cannonball fired out of a cannon]
Waldorf: I've seen my fair share of cannonball-catching acts, but that had something different.
Statler: What's that?
Waldorf: A survivor.


"The Muppet Show: Gene Kelly (#5.1)" (1981)
Statler: Are you ready for the end of the world?
Waldorf: Sure, it couldn't be worse than this show.
[they both laugh]

Waldorf: I wish Gene Kelly would teach me the Charleston.
Statler: I wish Gene Kelly would *drive* you to Charleston.
[laughs]


"The Muppet Show: Rita Moreno (#1.5)" (1976)
[Waldorf and Statler are under their chairs; they resurface]
Waldorf: I still couldn't find the chewing gum.

Statler: I wonder what the Swedish Chef has up his sleeve today.
Waldorf: A summons from the Board of Health, I wager.


"The Muppet Show: Phyllis Diller (#1.18)" (1976)
Waldorf: I loved it.
[Statler pulls on a rope, which opens a trap door under Waldorf, who falls through]
Waldorf: [as he falls] Oh, I hated it!

Waldorf: [singing] You are my sunshine, my only sunshine...
Statler: Why, you old fool!
Waldorf: What?
Statler: I'm not your son and my name's not Shine!
Waldorf: And he calls me an old fool.


"The Muppet Show: Danny Kaye (#3.16)" (1978)
Statler: [sitting in an alley outside the theater] I tell you, it's almost as bad out here as it is inside.
Waldorf: Either way, we're sitting around looking at garbage.

Statler: There was something thrilling about being in the show tonight.
Waldorf: Yeah, not having to watch it.
[they both laugh]


"The Muppet Show: Bob Hope (#2.21)" (1978)
Waldorf: Hey, doesn't Hope usually sing "Thanks For The Memories"?
Statler: Why would he want to remember this?

Statler: I like the steel drums.
Waldorf: What?
Statler: The pigs' steel drums!
Waldorf: I believe it; they'd take anything that's not nailed down!


"The Muppet Show: Dudley Moore (#4.7)" (1979)
Waldorf: [after a musical number with bugs] That number made me nostalgic.
Statler: Nostalgic for what?
Waldorf: DDT.

Statler: So they blew up half the theater.
Waldorf: At least they blew up the right half.
Statler, Waldorf: Theirs!
[they laugh]


"The Muppet Show: Lena Horne (#1.11)" (1976)
Fozzie: Oh, you can't stop the old Fozzie tonight! I'm really cooking! I'm one rare bear!
Waldorf: Yeah. You're a square bear that ought to be served medium rare.

Statler: Author! Author!
Waldorf: [half asleep] Is he here?
Statler: Who?
Waldorf: Arthur.
Statler: Oh, go back to sleep.


"The Muppet Show: Vincent Price (#1.19)" (1977)
Statler: That number scared the pants off of me.
Waldorf: Are you sure you didn't just forget to put them on again?

Statler: By the way, I thought your wife was coming tonight.
Waldorf: Oh, the old bat couldn't come.
[suddenly, a whole slew of bats surround the balcony]
Statler: The rest of 'em sure made it!


"The Muppet Show: Jim Nabors (#1.6)" (1976)
Waldorf: Pay up, they made it through another one.
Statler: Double or nothing, next week's show?
Waldorf: You're on.

Waldorf: [in response to Fozzie's monologue] Hey, hey, hey! It's that silly bear!
Statler: Time for the audience to go elsewhere!


The Muppets Take Manhattan (1984)
Statler: Hey, look, Waldorf. It's the frog and the pig.
Waldorf: Yeah, it looks like they're in love.
Statler: Yeah.
Waldorf: Kinda makes you sick, doesn't it?
[they laugh]
Waldorf: Woo-hoo!
Statler: Hey, lovey doveys!
Waldorf: Hubba, hubba!

Statler: Well, Waldorf, they finally made it to Broadway.
Waldorf: Yes, and I already bought tickets.
Statler: Are they good seats?
Waldorf: Sure are. They're on the next train out of town.


"The Muppet Show: Florence Henderson (#1.7)" (1976)
Waldorf: Hey, listen, all your impressions sound the same.
Fozzie: I can't help that. They were all written by the same writer.
Waldorf: He's got a point there.
Statler: Yeah, on his head.

Statler: I loved it!
Waldorf: So what? You also loved World War II!


Muppets from Space (1999)
[Miss Piggy runs by]
Statler: Is breakfast over?
Waldorf: No, why?
Statler: 'Cause I think the bacon just ran out.

Statler: I wonder if there really is life on other planets?
Waldorf: What do you care? You don't have a life on this planet.


Muppet Treasure Island (1996)
Statler: "Take a cruise," you said. "See the world," you said. Now here we are, stuck on the front of this stupid ship.
Waldorf: Well, it could be worse. We could be stuck in the audience.

Statler: Waldorf, you old fool! We're heroes! We saved the pig and the frog.
Waldorf: Well, it was too late to save the movie.


"The Muppet Show: Cloris Leachman (#2.24)" (1978)
Waldorf: That was weird.
Statler: I'll tell the world.
Waldorf: Go ahead.
Statler: [looking into camera] That was weird!

Waldorf: [responding to the pigs doing "That's Entertainment"] Hey, I didn't know pigs could do that!
Statler: Be that talented?
Waldorf: No, be that bad!


"The Muppet Show: Buddy Rich (#5.22)" (1981)
Waldorf: Where were you when the lights went out?
Statler: In the dark, where else, you old fool?
[laughs]


"The Muppet Show: Julie Andrews (#2.17)" (1977)
[Gonzo was playing "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik" on the bagpipes while sitting atop a 10 foot flagpole]
Waldorf: Maybe he should quit while he's ahead.
Statler: Gonzo should quit while he's alive.


"The Muppet Show: Twiggy (#1.21)" (1976)
Statler: Every week this show looks better to me.
Waldorf: Every week your eyesight gets worse.


"The Muppet Show: Alan Arkin (#4.20)" (1980)
Statler: You think that Jekyll-Hyde stuff is expensive?
Waldorf: No, my wife has a whole glass of it every morning!


"The Muppets.: Pig Girls Don't Cry (#1.1)" (2015)
Fozzie Bear: [opening "Up Late With Miss Piggy"] I'm Fozzie Bear, and it's my job to warm up the audience with jokes. Ahh!
[sways hips]
Statler: [sitting in the front row] Oh god, we're gonna die of hypothermia.
Waldorf: I hope it comes quick.
[both laugh]


It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie (2002) (TV)
Statler: [Up in the balcony, Statler and Waldorf make fun of Pepe's bad jokes] Hey, the shrimp's floundering!
[Statler and Waldorf both laugh]
Pepe the Prawn: You shut-up okay?
Statler: He told us to clam up!
Waldorf: What's he want to do? Mussle us?
[Both laugh again]
Pepe the Prawn: Don't get me steamed okay!
Statler: Steamed shrimp!
Waldorf: Oh, pass the cocktail sauce!
[Both laugh]
Pepe the Prawn: That's it. I'm coming up there!
[Leaves the stage to go to the balcony]
Statler: Whoooaaa... I'm shaking!
Waldorf: You're always shaking.
[He laughs and Statler grumbles]


"The Muppet Show: Melissa Manchester (#5.12)" (1980)
Statler: [looking up] Watch out!
[Statler and Waldorf duck down as a random Muppet character is thrown at their box seats]
Statler, Waldorf: [waving a white flag] We surrender!


"The Muppet Show: Candice Bergen (#1.15)" (1976)
Waldorf: I think I should see a doctor.
Statler: Why do you say that?
Waldorf: I'm beginning to like the show.


"The Muppet Show: The Stars of Star Wars (#4.17)" (1980)
Waldorf: Do you think there's life in outer space?
Statler: There's certainly none in this theater.
[they both laugh]


"The Muppet Show: Jaye P. Morgan (#2.18)" (1978)
Fozzie Bear: Hey, Kermit wants me to do the next introduction.
Statler: Oh yeah?
Waldorf: Well, he's the only one who does!
Fozzie Bear: Hey, c'mon, guys, no heckling! I mean, I'm not even out here to tell jokes.
Statler: Have you ever been?
Fozzie Bear: Heeey, you know that the bear is funny.
Waldorf: You're right. In fact, I never enjoyed you more than I did last week.
Fozzie Bear: But I didn't do an act last week.
Waldorf: I rest my case.
[they both laugh]


"The Muppet Show: Petula Clark (#2.20)" (1978)
Statler: All right, frog, we watched the show!
Waldorf: Yeah! Unlock the doors!


"The Muppet Show: Shields & Yarnell (#4.3)" (1979)
Waldorf: Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
Statler: What?
Waldorf: It ends.


"The Muppet Show: Sandy Duncan (#1.14)" (1976)
Statler: Well, how did you like the show?
Waldorf: Maybe I'm getting soft, but I loved it.
[holds up a banana]
Waldorf: Have a banana.


"The Muppet Show: Peter Ustinov (#1.12)" (1976)
Waldorf: Well, they did improve the level of television entertainment.
Statler: Well, they had no place to go but up.


"The Muppet Show: John Denver (#4.1)" (1979)
Statler: You know something? That was a sweet number.
Waldorf: It sure was.
Statler: You know something else?
Waldorf: What?
Statler: I HATE sweet numbers!


"The Muppet Show: Bruce Forsyth (#1.13)" (1976)
Statler: This show brought a tear to my eye...
Waldorf: Really?
Statler: Yeah, I'm sitting on a tack.


"The Muppets.: Pig Out (#1.4)" (2015)
Fozzie Bear: So, before we start the show, how about a tip or two for the out-of-towners about our driving regulations, huh? Here in Los Angeles, a yellow light means update your Facebook status! Ah!
Statler: I just updated *my* Facebook status: bored!
[he and Waldorf laugh]
Fozzie Bear: Hey! This is where *I* make the jokes!
Waldorf: We're ready when you are!
[he and Statler both laugh]


"The Muppet Show: Roger Moore (#5.24)" (1980)
[Roger Moore has just sung "If I Could Talk To The Animals"]
Statler: Well I guess I'll go talk to the animals.
Waldorf: What animals?
Statler: The wife and kids.


"The Muppet Show: Steve Martin (#2.8)" (1977)
Statler: Well, that was different.
Waldorf: Yeah, lousy.
Statler, Waldorf: But different.


"The Muppet Show: Jean-Pierre Rampal (#5.10)" (1980)
Waldorf: Jean-Pierre has recorded an album of Frank Sinatra's hits on the flute!
Statler: What's it called?
Waldorf: "I Did It Sideways"!
[they both laugh]


"The Muppet Show: Tony Randall (#5.13)" (1980)
Statler: I once knew a whole chorus line that was turned to stone.
Waldorf: What chorus line was that?
Statler: The Rockettes.
[they both laugh]


"The Muppet Show: Beverly Sills (#4.9)" (1979)
Statler: [seeing Waldorf asleep] Wake up!
Waldorf: [waking up] Huh? Who's the guest star tonight?
Statler: Beverly Hills.
Waldorf: Oh, I've been there before.
[goes back to sleep]
Statler: Oh.
[nods]


"The Muppet Show: Diana Ross (#4.24)" (1980)
Fozzie Bear: [running on-stage] Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya!
[the crowd boos loudly; running off-stage]
Fozzie Bear: Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!
Statler: [Waldorf holds up a score card that says "1"] You gave him a 1?
Waldorf: He's never been better.


"The Muppet Show: Avery Schreiber (#1.16)" (1976)
Waldorf: You gotta give them credit.
Statler: Why's that?
Waldorf: Well, they're gonna keep on doing it until they get it right.


"The Muppet Show: Marty Feldman (#5.18)" (1980)
[the cast of Sesame Street is crowding behind Waldorf and Statler's box seat]
Waldorf: How should we know how to get to Sesame Street?
Statler: We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!


"The Muppet Show: Crystal Gayle (#4.2)" (1979)
[Waldorf and Statler are naked, with barrels over their bodies]
Waldorf: Well, so much for the prairie dogs.
Statler: Yeah, now we got to worry about termites.


"The Muppet Show: Dizzy Gillespie (#4.13)" (1980)
Kermit the Frog: [Kermit is arguing with Waldorf's wife Astoria about the show] You're bad as the two old Geezers.
Waldorf: Why not? She's a Geezeress.
[Waldorf laughs and Astoria punches him]


"The Muppet Show: Shirley Bassey (#5.4)" (1980)
Statler: I bought gold back when it was cheap.
Waldorf: Really? Where is it now?
Statler: Ah!
[opens his mouth; Waldorf looks inside and laughs]


"The Muppet Show: Loretta Swit (#5.2)" (1980)
Statler: South Dakota!
Waldorf: South Dakota has nothing to do with this show.
Statler: That's what I want, nothing to do with this show!
[they both laugh]


"The Muppet Show: Hal Linden (#5.17)" (1980)
Statler: You know, I never liked their theme music.
Waldorf: Neither did I.
Kermit the Frog: You promised!
[Statler and Waldorf laugh]


"The Muppet Show: Paul Simon (#5.11)" (1980)
Statler: [Waldorf is asleep] Hey, you old fool, you slept through the show.
Waldorf: [waking up] Who's a fool? You watched it!


Kermit's Swamp Years (2002) (V)
Waldorf: It sure was nice of the frog to let us be in this movie.
Statler: So people could see how young we look?
Waldorf: No, so we wouldn't have to watch it!


"The Muppet Show: Lynda Carter (#4.19)" (1980)
Waldorf: [seeing Statler dressed as a money-themed superhero] Hey! You've turned into...
Statler: [dramatically] Money Man!


"The Muppet Show: Harry Belafonte (#3.14)" (1979)
Waldorf: I've got half a mind to leave.
Statler: If you had half a mind, you wouldn't be here.


"The Muppet Show: Andy Williams (#4.22)" (1980)
Statler: I'm going to see my lawyer!
Waldorf: Why?
Statler: I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!


"The Muppet Show: Dom DeLuise (#2.11)" (1977)
Statler: I wouldn't mind the show if they just got rid of one thing.
Waldorf: What's that?
Statler: Me.
[they both laugh]


"The Muppet Show: Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge (#3.1)" (1978)
Statler: You know, they can improve the whole show if they just changed the ending.
Waldorf: How?
Statler: Put it closer to the beginning.
[they both laugh]


"The Muppet Show: Jean Stapleton (#3.6)" (1978)
Statler: [at the end of the show] I liked that last number.
Waldorf: What did you like about it?
Statler: It was the LAST number!
[they both laugh]


"The Muppet Show: Christopher Reeve (#4.18)" (1980)
Waldorf: Well, this has been an evening to remember.
Statler: Why?
Waldorf: I forgot.
[they both laugh]


"The Muppet Show: Leslie Uggams (#3.18)" (1979)
[Waldorf and Statler's theater box is full of chickens]
Waldorf: Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
Statler: Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.


"The Muppet Show: Pearl Bailey (#3.5)" (1978)
Statler: [as they sit with an avocado] I didn't like it.
Waldorf: What did the avocado think?
Avocado: It's the pits.
[they all laugh]


"The Muppet Show: Ben Vereen (#1.17)" (1976)
Statler: Fantastic show.
Waldorf: Brilliant show.
[sees something smoking]
Waldorf: By the way, your pants are on fire.
[Statler looks down at the source of the smoke and screams]