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: At this time, I would like to present my rendition of one of the great songs of our time. That ever-popular classic: "You And I And George". But why you ask as well you should have I never heard this great song of our times. Fact is nobody has ever heard of this ever popular classic. In its only recording, "You And I And George" sold three copies. I bought one and George bought one, where were you?
: My own mother turns down her hearing aid when I sing this song.
: You And I And George went strolling down the park one day/And then you held my hand as if to say I Love You/Then we passed a brook and George fell in and drowned himself/And floated out to sea leaving you alone with me.
: I've been playing saloons down in Snake City for three years. It was the roughest town in the west. I mean we had some mean customers. Miss Kitty
: Howdy Rowlf. Rowlf
: Hello, Miss Kitty. I mean they were tough. After three years I thought I'd seen it all. I'd seen the Clem brothers, the Under brothers, the James brothers. Not to mention the Osmond Brothers. But when Kid Fozzie came to town, I knew I hadn't seen nothing.
: Have you got a license to carry them pickles? Rowlf
: When you get shot by a pickle in close range, do you get garlic burns? Rowlf
: All right. You asked for it.
[shoots his pickles like a gun
: Sorry Kid. I didn't know the pickles were loaded. Here's your money.
: All right don't make a move I got you covered. Throw down your pickles! Fozzie Bear
: Okay. I don't need guns to fight you. I'll get you with my knife.
[pulls out a carrot
: Will you stop with the vegetables.
: Oh, you shouldn't have done that. I am a desperate bear ready for desperate measures.
[pulls out an apple with a lit fuse
: Oh no! Bartender
: It's an apple! Rowlf
: And don't tell me...? Fozzie Bear
: Yes. The fuse is lit. The fuse is lit?
[the apple explodes
: And that's how it was the day Kid Fozzie came to town.
: Hello, Miss Kitty.
Rowlf the Dog
: It's not often you see a guy that green have the blues that bad.
Rowlf the Dog
: Oh. Broken heart, right? Kermit
] Does it show? Rowlf the Dog
: Listen, when you've been tickling the ivories as long as I have, you've seen a broken heart for every drop of rain, a shattered dream for every falling star. Kermit
: Exactly. She just walked out on me. Rowlf the Dog
: Ah, typical. That's why I live alone. Kermit
: You do, huh? Rowlf the Dog
: You bet. I finish work, I go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk, and go to bed. Kermit
: Nice and simple. Rowlf the Dog
: Stay away from women. That's my motto. Kermit
: But I can't. Rowlf the Dog
: Neither can I. And that's my trouble.
Rowlf the Dog
] You can't live with 'em, you can't live without 'em. / There's something irresistible-ish about 'em. / We grin and bear it 'cause the nights are long. / I hope that something better comes along.
Rowlf the Dog
: Rolling! OK everybody, stay in focus.
: That's Piggy! Fozzie
: Yes, I know! Rowlf the Dog
: Hey, you do think we should help her with her bags? Fozzie
: Aah, no.
: No, nah, un-uh.
Rowlf the Dog
: ha ha!
Rowlf the Dog
: It's the fuzz, the police, the man with the badge. The P - I... Miss Piggy
: Don't you dare! Rowlf the Dog
: Oh, I wouldn't think of it.
: There's Rowlf when he was just a wee pup. Rowlf
: Not so wee. I was paper-trained.
: I've been chasing the truck all the way, and boy am I exhausted.
: Oh, Mrs. Bear, I've been chasin' the truck, and boy-whoa!
[slips on the icy patch
] Emily 'Ma' Bear
: [as Rowlf gets up
] Oh, my. I guess Fozzie didn't tell you about the icy patch. Rowlf
: No, I guess he didn't. Anyway, my name's Rowlf the dog; I've come for the holidays.
: [seeing a piano after his arrival
] Aha! Just what I was lookin' for! Look at this little beauty.
[begins playing "Sleight Ride" on it, but it sounds awful
: Whoa-hoa, boy, is this piano outta tune!
[to the camera
: I *love* outta tune pianos...
: How come you didn't use me in the montage? I thought my story was pretty interesting.
[cut to Rowlf snoring in a hammock on his porch surrounded by other Muppets
] Kermit the Frog
: Rowlf? Rowlf
: Huh? Kermit the Frog
: You wanna get back together? Rowlf
[cut back to the car
: Heh heh. Classic.
: Hello. Rowlf
: Hello. Link Hogthrob
: Hello. Beaker
[sees an ax in his own hands, freaks out a bit while getting rid of it to grab a hairdryer
: Mee-Meep. Rowlf
, Sam Eagle
, Link Hogthrob
] An Albino. Sam Eagle
] A Mosquito. Beaker
Rowlf the Dog
: [On the sign in German
] Die Muppets? Waldorf
: It looks like the reviews are out early. Statler
: Or maybe that's the suggestion box.
: TWO Kermits?... Well, that explains a lot. Rowlf the Dog
: I knew no one could have a cold for that long. Pepe the King Prawn
: Or have that cheesy an accent, okay.
] Film Crew
: And cut! Walter
: Wow, that was so amazing! Kermit
: Walter, you did a wonderful job. Walter
: Thank you, Kermit. Did we get that? Miss Piggy
: We got it. Kermit
: We got it, yup. Film Crew
: [speaks into bullhorn
] Movie's over, people, go home. That is a wrap. Scooter
: Okay, nice work, everyone. Make sure to fill out your I-9's, and we'll see you on the next one. Scooter
: [crew leaves the set
] So uh, what do we do now? Fozzie Bear
: Well, we're together again. We got the theater and all our fans are back. Rowlf the Dog
: Actually, those were extras. Fozzie Bear
: I saw a few tapping their toes. Scooter
: Yeah, those were paid dancers. Fozzie Bear
: Oh. Miss Piggy
: Or, maybe since we're all here, now could be the perfect time for you and me to tie the knot, Kermie. Kermit
] Well... I mean, maybe I could-... Walter
: Hey, what's the camera still doing here? Statler
: Oh no, disaster! That can only mean one thing! Waldorf
: Doggone it, you're right. Statler
: Mm-hmm. Waldorf
: It looks like they've ordered a sequel. Statler
: Let me talk to them. Woof-woof. Woof-woof.
[guard dogs start to heel
: It helps to know a second language.
: [going over checklist
] Whoopie cushion? Rowlf
: I think it's on the bus.
: Now, we're about to embark on a potentially dangerous mission. There could be physical violence, there could be gunplay, and there is the slightest chance that somebody might even get killed. So if anybody wants out, now is the time to say it. Floyd
: I'm out. Rowlf
: Me too. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
: Ditto. Beaker
: Meep meep. Zoot
: Hey, don't we have a gig around here, or something, or somewhere? Pops
: Sorry, I got a dental appointment. Janice
: It's like this, Kermit, I have to go to work all day...
[everyone starts talking at once
] Hold it!
[everyone stops talking
: Shame on you! I thought we were in this thing together. I'm just as scared as you are, but this has to be done! We don't want the bad guys to win. We gotta do this f-f-for justice! For freedom! For honesty!
: Snookums prefers the rubber Wall Street Journal to the rubber Washington Post. Rowlf
: Don't we all?
[after Mr. Skeffington is done talking baby talk to his dog
: It's amazing. You speak Chinese like a native.
: [Muppet Babies, singing
] She's gonna be a movie star. And she's gonna learn to drive a car; she's gonna be a vet'rinarian, too.
] Miss Piggy
: And I'm gonna always love you-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! Fozzie Bear
: Well, she's gonna be a singer, whoa-whoa-whoa! Scooter
: And she's gonna learn to fly a plane! Rowlf
: She'll be a doctor of diseases and help you with your sneezes... Gonzo
: ...and practice neurosurgery on your brain!
: [all singing; repeated chorus
] We love cartoons; we love all the action / We love cartoons, how they dance and sing / We love cartoons, they're the main attraction / Cartoon heroooes can do anything!
: Hey guys, I just invented a new form of cartoon. I call it "pianimation".
Robin the Frog
: I think it's great to be going back to the swamp and rediscovering our roots.
: Hey, there's one now. Janice
: Thanks. Rowlf
: It goes with the poison ivy.
: Who's your owner? Rowlf
: Owner? I have no owner, sir! Dog Catcher
: Aha! Rowlf
: But perhaps you can help me. You see, Walt Disney World is such a big place. I don't know what to do with all this incredible freedom.
[the dog catcher nets Rowlf
: Now there's a solution I hadn't particularly thought of.
: There must be a million books in here. Fozzie
: Yeah, or 12 at least.
: What happened to you guys? Rowlf
: When? Fozzie
: Is this a riddle? Rowlf
: He loves riddles. Fozzie
: Yeah, wanna do a knock-knock? Piggy
: Uh-uh, could you guys tell me which way to go? Rowlf
: Who? Fozzie
: Us? Rowlf
: No way. Fozzie
: We don't know anything. Rowlf
: We could tell you a lot of jokes though. Fozzie
: Why did the... Piggy
: Knock it off!
[Fozzie and Rowlf shrink back
: Now, what door leads to my book? Fozzie
: We give up. Rowlf
: Which one? Fozzie
: I don't think she knows. Rowlf
: It's not fair to ask riddles if you don't know the answers. Piggy
: It wasn't a riddle, it was just a question!
: As long as I'm here, I'd like to donate my body to science. Rowlf the Dog
: With your body, it would be donated to science fiction. Janice
: To donate your body, don't you have to be dead? Gonzo
: So what? I believe in re-incarnation. Miss Piggy
: What would you come back as next time? Gonzo
: How should I know? I don't even know what I am this time.
: Dr. Bob, you don't look well. Are you alright? Rowlf
: I'm still in shock from what happened to my last patient. Miss Piggy
: But you cured him. Rowlf
: You don't think that was a shock?
: "Mad Dog Marvin" who gained fame breaking into houses at night wearing a ski-mask has escaped.
[the babies gasp
: In other news, authorities have cautioned local residents to protect themselves... Kermit
: Did you hear that, Fozzie? We're supposed to protect ourselves. Rowlf
: From a skiing dog burglar.
: As the storm is due in this evening with gale force winds and heavy rain, double check to make sure all your windows and doors are locked so nothing can get in. Nanny
: Oh my, did you hear that, kids? I better check all those windows and doors before it gets too late. Kermit
: Can we go with you, Nanny? Rowlf
: Yeah, we kind of don't want to be down here without you. Nanny
: What? Okay, come on, let's start in the basement. Animal
: Good idea! Rowlf
: That's where all burglars try to get in, the basement! Kermit
: Oh great!
: [lightning strikes and puts out the power
] Yipe! Piggy
: What happened? Gonzo
: I knew it! All
: What? Gonzo
: They're here. Rowlf
: Who? Gonzo
: The aliens! They've landed and drained the earth of all its electricity. They'll be coming for me next!
[runs and trips on the dominoes
: They got me!
: Hey, my computer won't work without power! Rowlf
: Yeah, neither will my record player. Piggy
: We can't even watch TV. Kermit
: Gee, without electricity we can't do anything. Nanny
: Of course you can, your imaginations work without electricity.
Rowlf the Dog
: [to Nigel as he plays the show's theme on his piano
] Well, you must admit, Nigel, this does sound a little square. Nigel
: Play, hound, play.
Kermit the Frog
: You know, Rowlf, there are so many selfish people in this world who won't lift a finger to help anybody. Rowlf
: Mm-hmm. Kermit the Frog
: Sometimes I wish I was more like them. Rowlf
: Oh, but then you wouldn't be you. And that's no way to live. Took me years to accept the fact that I'm part corgi. Guess that's why I can't dance. Kermit the Frog
: How do you do it, Rowlf? You're one of the easiest-going guys I've ever known. Rowlf
: Well, when I'm having a tough day, I go home, draw myself a hot bath, get out, run around the house like a maniac, and chew on an old shoe. Kermit the Frog
: And that makes you feel good? Rowlf
: Oh, especially the shoe part. Brings me back to a simpler time. A-as a matter of fact, I got one right here.
[Rowlf holds up a chewed-up shoe
: Want to give her a go? Kermit the Frog
: Hmm? Oh. Oh, no, thank you. I... I should probably find my own thing. Rowlf
: Are you sure? 'Cause this one's got an odor eater in it so you get that smoky taste, and then the gum on the heel gives it the perfect mint finish. Kermit the Frog
: You... you go ahead.
: [Rowlf uses an electric can opener to open up a can while he gets a slice of bread out, then takes the opened can and puts the substance on the bread, takes another slice of bread to put on top of the substance to make it into a sandwich
] Mmm-mmm, this looks delicious. Piggy
: Shame on you, Rowlf.
[Takes the sandwich from Rowlf as soon as he tries to take a bite out of it
: Give me that sandwich. Rowlf
: But... Piggy
: No buts, Rowlf, I'm Nanny's official taste tester.
[takes a bite into the sandwich
: Mmmm, thi is yummy. Rowlf
: Whoa, far out, Piggy! I didn't know you like dog food sandwiches. Piggy
: Oh, yuck, I'm poisoned!
[Rowlf shrugs his shoulders at us
: [in 'Leave it to Weirdo'
] How about you, Mr. Bark Bark? Rowlf
: Mr. Bark Bark? Get me out of here! Heeeeelp! Heeeelp!
[Rowlf is playing "The Entertainer" slowly
] Milton Berle
: "The Entertainer", right? Rowlf
: Yep, that's the name of the song. Milton Berle
: You know, most people don't know that there are words to that song. Rowlf
: That's true. Milton Berle
: You know what they're about? They're about the stars and the performers and the entertainers that appeared during the heyday of Vaudeville. Rowlf
: You used to be in Vaudeville, didn't you? Milton Berle
: Yeah, sure I was, but when I was a kid. Rowlf
: How many performances did you do in Vaudeville? Milton Berle
: Oh, I'd say between 80,000 and 100,000. Rowlf
: Wow, you were really the entertainer, weren't you? Milton Berle
: One of them... yeah, one of them. Many, many fond memories.
] Milton Berle
: Now the curtain is going up. The Entertainer is taking a bow. He does his dance step and sings his song, he even gets the audience to sing along. Yes, he knows just what to do, he knows how to brings down the house when he's through. Snappy patter and jokes, he knows what pleases the folks. The Entertainer: the Star of the Show.
[tempo increases and the Muppets come on the stage
] It was in Vaudeville and he was on the bill with all the singers, dancers, acrobats and clowns. Fozzie Bear
: There was a dancing bear. Rowlf
: Even a dog act there. Scooter
: And a comedian who never let them down. Muppets
: But when he came on to do his favorite song, he really wowed them in the cities and the towns. They came from near and far to see the Vaudeville star: The Entertainer!
] Milton Berle
: [speaking, soulfully
] Now the curtain is going down on the Entertainer: the artist, the pro. He was put on this earth to bring us laughter and mirth. The Entertainer: the Star of the Show.
: There must be something we can do to help the little guy out. Bunsen
: No! I've tried everything! Hypnotism, boring stories, hot soup, nothing worked!
Rowlf the Dog
: [as Dr. Bob treating a Viking pig
] I know all about them - they come from Denmark. One of my ancestors was a Viking! Miss Piggy
: Oh, this isn't going to be a Great Dane joke, is it? Rowlf the Dog
: Well, it's a Dane joke, but I wouldn't call it great.
: Look at the time! Rowlf the Dog
: [as Dr. Bob
] Hey! The timing of the shrew! Miss Piggy
: Are you calling me a shrew? Rowlf the Dog
: If the shrew fits!
: The world is going to end and when it does, something will happen that has never happened before. Janice
: You mean like if Dr. Bob actually cured a patient? Rowlf the Dog
: [as Dr. Bob
] Or if Nurse Janice ever kept her mouth shut? Miss Piggy
: Or if we ever got one honest laugh? Rowlf the Dog
: Well, if the world's waiting for that, it will be around for a long time. Cue the announcer!
[the ending music is off-key
] Rowlf the Dog
: No wonder this sounds bad... we're playing a timetable!
Kermit the Frog
: Fozzie, what are you doing with this typewriter on my table? Fozzie Bear
: Kermit, I am writing the script for this week's show! Kermit the Frog
: What makes you think the show needs a script? Fozzie Bear
: Oh, come on Kermit! Every show has a script! Yeah, that way you leave nothing to chance!
[Rowlf and Lew Zealand enter, about to go on stage for the Musical Moment
] Fozzie Bear
: Hey guys! Guys! This is the Musical Moment for this week. Rowlf the Dog
] Uh, "Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny..." Fozzie Bear
, Rowlf the Dog
: [Fozzie reads with him
] "... Curtains close." Fozzie Bear
: [Rowlf and Lew Zealand exit for the stage
] Go get 'em! Kermit the Frog
: You leave nothing to chance, huh? Fozzie Bear
: Trust me.
: Okay, what happens now? Fozzie
: Oh, now comes the funny part.
: Well, leaving the stage is funnier than a lot of things the bear does. Fozzie
: [enters holding a fish
] Okay, now ask me what I'm carrying the fish for. Rowlf
: Oh, Fozzie, what are you carrying the fish for? Fozzie
: Oh, just for the halibut. Rowlf
: You were better off leaving the stage.
: I have a toothache too, Nanny. Rowlf
: Kermit, frogs don't have any teeth. Kermit
: [to camera
] I won't tell if you won't.
[everyone is upset because they think Animal is permanently lost
: Wow, things aren't gonna be the same around here without the little guy to mess things up. Fozzie
: Yeah, he used to laugh at my jokes. Rowlf
: Well, nobody's perfect.
[a telephone is the Veterinarians Hospital patient
: What's wrong with it? Miss Piggy
: It's not working. Rowlf
: Well, tell it to get a job so it can pay me. Janice
: Maybe it's a PAY phone.