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: Your Honor, ladies and gentleman of the audience, I don't think it's fair to call my clients frauds. Sure, the blackout was a big problem for everybody. I was trapped in an elevator for two hours and I had to make the whole time. But I don't blame them. Because one time, I turned into a dog and they helped me. Thank you.
[the courtroom is in bewildered silence
: Very good, Louis. Short, but pointless.
: So the 7 little dwarves had a limited partnership in a small mining operation. And one day a beautiful princess came to live with them. And they bartered housekeeping services for room and board, which was a real good deal for them because they didn't have to withhold social security or income tax or nothin', which you're really not supposed to do, you see, but for the purpose of the story, I think it's okay.
: [in the middle of persecuting the Ghostbusters he was attacked by the ghosts of 2 murderers he sentenced to the chair
] You got to do something! Help me! Ray
: Don't talk to me; talk to my attorney. Louis Tully
: And that's me! My guys are still under a judicial mistrangement order... that blue thing I got from her! They could be exposing themselves! Peter Venkman
: And you don't want us exposing ourselves!
[Louis Tully is the Ghostbusters' defense lawyer
] Louis Tully
: I think you guys are making a big mistake. I do mostly tax law and probate stuff occasionally. I got my law degree at night school. Ray
: Well, that's fine, Louis. We got arrested at night.
: Give me a break, we're both lawyers!
: So, do you live alone? Louis Tully
: I used to have a roommate, but my mom moved to Florida.
: It is really a very nice place. Needs a woman's touch. Louis Tully
: [closing the door to Oscar's room
] Shh. Bed time. Janine Melnitz
: You are so great with kids. Louis Tully
: Oh, thanks, I practiced with my hamster. Janine Melnitz
: [holding what it looks like a crystal ball in her hands
] So, you live alone? Louis Tully
: I used to have a roommate, but my mom moved to Florida. Janine Melnitz
: Why don't you come here and sit with me. Louis Tully
[he moves to the couch Janine is sitting
] Louis Tully
: So, you want to play Boggle or Super Mario Bros.? Janine Melnitz
: No. I think motherhood is a very natural instinct.
: [Running from the Scolari Bros. and pounding on the door, then grabs ray by his suit jacket
] You gotta do something, help me! Ray
: Don't talk to me, talk to my attorney. Louis Tully
: That's me. My guys are still under a judicial restraining order. That blue thing I got from her, they can be exposing themselves. Peter Venkman
: And you don't want us, exposing ourselves.
[at Dana's apartment, Louis and Janine watch on TV the movie "The Lady from Shanghai"
] Janine Melnitz
: Is, like, she the killer or what? Louis Tully
: No. That's Rita Hayworth. She was married to Citizen Kane while they were doing this thing. Then right after they finished, she dumped him for some polo player. I don't why beautiful girls love horses so much. Do you love horses?
: [At the Ghostbusters' trial
] Before we begin this trial, I want to make one thing very clear: The law does not recognize the existence of ghosts, and I don't believe in them either. So I don't wanna hear a lot of malarkey about goblins, spooks, and demons. We're gonna stick to the facts in this case. Leave the ghost stories to the kiddies, understood? Winston
: Wow. Sounds like a pretty open-minded guy, huh? Egon
: Yeah, they call him "The Hammer." Ray
: What can we do? It's all in the hands of our lawyer now. Louis Tully
: I think you guys are making a big mistake. I do mostly tax law and some probate stuff occasionally. I got my law degree at night school. Ray
: Well, that's fine, Louis. We got arrested at night.
[Wexler, Louis, Peter, Ray, and Egon all watch the prosecuting attorney being carried by one of the Scoleri brothers outside the courtroom
] Judge Wexler
] Ohhh... Peter Venkman
: You're next, bubbles. Judge Wexler
] ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! I rescind the order! Case dismissed! Louis Tully
: Hooray, we won the case! Judge Wexler
: Now do something!
: [waits at the bus stop only to find Slimer is driving the bus
] Oh, it's you. Louis Tully
: [Slimer offers Louis to come aboard the bus
] Okay, but I didn't know you had your license.
: Do you want some coffee, Mr. Tulley? Louis
: [to Egon
] Do I? Dr. Egon Spengler
: Yes, have some. Louis
: [to Janine
] Yes, have some.
[Egon is running tests on Louis, who has been possessed by Gozer and is now the Keymaster
] Dr. Egon Spengler
: Vinz, you said before you were waiting for a sign. What sign are you waiting for? Louis
: Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!
Dr. Raymond Stantz
: Are you okay? Louis
: Who are you guys? Dr. Raymond Stantz
: We're the Ghostbusters. Louis
: Who does your taxes? Dr. Raymond Stantz
: You know, Mr. Tully, you are a most fortunate individual. Louis
: I know! Dr. Raymond Stantz
: You have been a participant in the biggest interdimensional cross rip since the Tunguska blast of 1909! Louis
: Felt great. Dr. Egon Spengler
: We'd like to get a sample of your brain tissue. Louis
[the Ghostbusters HQ blows up
: This is it! This is the sign! Janine Melnitz
: Yeah, it's a sign, all right - "Going out of business".
Woman at Party
: [coming up to Louis during party
] Do you have any Excedrin or extra-strength Tylenol? Louis
: [opening cabinet
] Gee, I think all I got is acetylsalicylic acid, generic. See, I can get six hundred tablets of that for the same price as three hundred of a name brand. That makes good financial sense, good advice...
[takes platter back into living room
: Hey, this is real smoked salmon from Nova Scotia, Canada, $24.95 a pound! It only cost me $14.12 after tax, though.
[walks up to a hapless guest, speaking confidentially
: I'm givin' this whole thing as a promotional expense, that's why I invited clients instead of friends. You havin' a good time, Mark?
[heads across the room, greeting other guests
: How you doing? Why don't you have some of the brie, it's at room temperature!
[to the Tall Woman
: You think it's too warm in here for the brie? Tall Woman at Party
] Louis, I'm going home. Louis
: Aw, don't leave yet. Well, listen, maybe if we start dancing other people will join in! Tall Woman at Party
[Louis and the Tall Woman begin disco dancing. Suddenly the doorbell rings
: Oh, don't move, I just gotta get the door.
[opens door, greeting guests
: Ted! Annette! I'm glad you could come, how you doin', give me your coats. Everybody, this is Ted and Annette Fleming! Ted has a small carpet cleaning business in receivership; Annette's drawing a salary from a deferred bonus from two years ago! They got fifteen thousand left on the house at eight percent.
[throws the guests' coats in the closet, oblivious that they hit the Terror Dog hiding there
: So they're okay! So, does anybody wanna play Parcheesi?
[the Terror Dog growls from inside the bedroom
] Okay, who brought the dog?
[Louis is being chased by a demon dog
] I'm going bring this up with the Tenant's Association. You're not supposed to have pets in the building.
: Boy, the superintendent's gonna be pissed!
: [possessed by Vinz Clortho
] I am The Keymaster! Dana Barrett
: [possessed by Zuul
] I am The Gatekeeper!
: [cornered by the terror dog
] Nice doggy. Cute little pooch. Maybe I've got a Milk-Bone.
: [Louis, as the possessed Keymaster Vinz Clortho, runs out of Central Park, scaring a married couple
] I am the Keymaster! The Destructor is coming. Gozer the Traveler, the Destroyer.
[Louis pants and sniffs, then notices a horse carriage; horse neighs
[Walk over towards the horse
: I am Vinz, Vinz Clortho, Keymaster of Gozer. Volguus Zildrohar, Lord of the Sebouillia. Are you the Gatekeeper? Coachman
: Hey, he pulls the wagon, I made the deals. You want a ride?
[the possessed Louis growls at the coachman with his red-glowing eyes
: [to the horse
] Wait for the sign. Then our prisoners will be released.
[Runs amok, scaring bystanders; yelling
: You will perish in flame, you and all your kind! Gatekeeper! Coachman
: What an asshole.
: [gets off the elevator and Louis comes out of his apartment
: Oh, Dana, it's you! Dana Barrett
: Oh hi. Yes Louis, it's me. Louis
: I thought it was the drugstore. Dana Barrett
: Oh, are you sick? Louis
: Oh! No, no, I'm fine, I feel great! Just ordered some more vitamins and stuff. I was just exercising. I taped a 20-minute workout and played it back at high speed on my machine so it only took ten minutes. I got a great workout. Dana Barrett
: Good... Louis
: You wanna come in for a mineral water or something? Dana Barrett
: Oh, I'd really like to, Louis, but I have to go rehearsal now. Excuse me. Louis
: No sweat, I'll take a rain check on that. I always have plenty of low sodium mineral water and other nutritious foods in the house. But you already know that. Dana Barrett
] Yeah, I know that... Louis
: Listen, that reminds me, I'm having a big party for all my clients, my fourth anniversary as an accountant, you know, and even though you do your own tax return, which you shouldn't do, I'd like you to stop by, being that you're my neighbor and all. Dana Barrett
] Well thank you, Louis, I'll really try to stop by. Louis
: Listen, that reminds me, you shouldn't leave your TV on so loud when you go out. The creep down the hall phoned the manager. Dana Barrett
: That's strange, I didn't realize I'd left it on.
[unlocks her door
: [droning on
] Well yeah, you know what I did? I climbed on the ledge and tried to disconnect the cable, but I couldn't get in, so you know what I did? I turned my TV up real loud too so everyone would think all our TVs had something wrong with them. Dana Barrett
: [abruptly closing her door
] Bye, Louis. Louis
: [alone again
] Okay, so I'll see you later, huh? I'll give you a call! I'm going to go have a shower.
[tries to go back into his apartment but he's locked himself out