Jon Arbuckle
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Jon Arbuckle (Character)
from Garfield (2004)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
ALERT: All Character pages will be turned off on Dec 6th 2017.
Please see the IMDb GetSatisfaction Character announcement for details.

Garfield in Paradise (1986) (TV)
[a stewardess meets Jon and Garfield boarding the plane]
Stewardess: [to Jon] Welcome to Inversion Layer Airlines, sir. In what section are you traveling?
Jon Arbuckle: [mumbling; almost incoherent] Third class.
Stewardess: What section, sir?
Jon Arbuckle: [clears throat; whispering] Third class.
Stewardess: I can't hear you.
Jon Arbuckle: [shouting] Third class!
Stewardess: Oh... you're seated at the rear of the plane with the rest of the slime!
Jon Arbuckle: [dejected; sighs] Thank you.
[Jon and Garfield head down the aisle toward the back of the plane]
Jon Arbuckle: Why can't I get any respect, Garfield?
Garfield: When you travel, you must pay for respect, my friend.

Jon Arbuckle: Hello, Paradise World!
Jon Arbuckle: Just smell that fresh air, Garfield.
Garfield: [sniffs] That's jet fuel, you dummy!
Jon Arbuckle: Well, the next item of business is to get our luggage.
[their luggage is thrown out of the plane, landing next to Garfield]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey, that's service for you!
Garfield: Jon, you'd look on the bright side of a train wreck! That was no service, that was assault and battery on our suitcases!
[buries his face in his hand]
Garfield: I should never have packed my crystal mouse collection!

Jon Arbuckle: This vacation isn't working out *exactly* the way I hoped it would.
Garfield: A masterfully understated observation, especially when you consider it's coming from a total idiot!

Pigeon: [Volcano rumbles] You want the five-seven? How swift? You for real or what?
[Volcano rumbles even louder]
Pigeon: [Pigeon rushes to Jon, Garfield, Owooda, Mai-Tai and the Chief] Da' volcano no like the wahine, he like the five-seven. He no get him swift, he gon' boda' everybody!
Chief: I see...
Jon Arbuckle: What did he say?
Chief: Pigeon says the volcano doesn't want my daughter, it wants the car. If it can't have the car in about 30 seconds, it's gon' blow us all to pieces!
Jon Arbuckle: [guilty] There goes my damage deposit.
Pigeon: [Pigeon runs to Monkey and Odie, who are still trying to fix the car] Hey hey hey, you buggahs, make swift wit' da' wheels, da' volcano like the car mos koshi, or he gon' blow everybody out da' other side!
Monkey: Well, that's just great. First of all, I'm told that if I don't fix the car, I'm gonna lose my head. Now he tells me that if I don't get the car started in 30 seconds, I'm gonna lose my life, too! We're out of time, Odie! Come on, let's give it our best shot!

Jon Arbuckle: [Garfield comes floating by on the water] How do you do that, Garfield?
Garfield: Easy. Fat floats.

[the boys decide to visit the local car rental shop]
Salesman: [jumping up from behind the counter] Yeeeeeeees?
Jon Arbuckle: [noticing the resemblance to the motel owner] You look familiar.
Salesman: I have a brother in the motel business.
Garfield: [looking around] Racket is more like it!

Jon Arbuckle: Chief, you're not gonna let Owooda jump in there, are you?
Chief: Unless she sacrifices herself, the volcano will surely destroy us all.
Jon Arbuckle: You mean, it appeases the gods or something?
Chief: No, it plugs up the hole.

Jon Arbuckle: Odie, you sly dog you! You stowed away in my suitcase.
[patting Odie on his head]
Jon Arbuckle: What a happy surprise!
[Odie licks him]
Garfield: You won't be so happy when you see what Odie did to your sport jacket.

Jon Arbuckle: You know the rules, Garfield: they don't allow pets in the seats. I had to dress you up as my son, or you wouldn't have come on our vacation.
Garfield: What am I, a piece of luggage?
[holds up his tail]
Garfield: What's this, a handle? If that's the way you feel about it, why didn't you just stick a stamp on my face, cancel my bottom, and mail me to Paradise World?

Jon Arbuckle: [singing] I love the beach!
Garfield: [singing] I love the beach!
Jon Arbuckle: I love the beach!
Garfield: I love the beach!
Jon Arbuckle: Beauty and the beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeach!

Jon Arbuckle: [lying on the diving board at first, then springing up] Hey, wait a minute! We control our own destinies, don't we?
Odie: Hm?
Garfield: That's debatable.
Jon Arbuckle: This is an island, right? There has to be some beach out there somewhere, right? We'll go rent a car, and drive until we find some fun in the sun! Right, guys!
Garfield: Rrright!
Odie: Right!
Jon Arbuckle: [leaping a little on the diving board] Then let's do it!
[the diving board snaps off, and Jon falls into the empty pool with a crash]
Garfield: Right! We'll do it right after his bones knit!

Jon Arbuckle: [as he and Garfield watch Owooda and Mai-Tai walk toward the volcano] I can't believe she's doing this!
Garfield: Well, better her than us.

Hotel Clerk: [gesturing toward the new car] And there she is!
[we hear a dramatic guitar]
Hotel Clerk: Well, what do you think?
Jon Arbuckle: [mesmerized] She's beautiful!

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield, have you seen Odie?
Garfield: Yeah, I buried him in the sand, but only up to his ankles.
[shows Odie buried upside-down in the sand, his feet sticking up]

Jon Arbuckle: [after he, Garfield, and Odie drive into a tribal village; they stare in horror] What do you think of this, Garfield?
Garfield: I don't know. And if I did know, I don't think I'd wanna know.

Jon Arbuckle: [as they watch the villagers worship their car] Look, Garfield, I don't think they were worshipping us at all. They appear to be worshipping the car.
Chief: Yep, that's what they're doing, all right.

[first lines]
Jon Arbuckle: [boarding the plane] Paradise World, here we come! Isn't this exciting, Garfield? C'mon, let's find our seats!
Garfield: I'm not going.
Jon Arbuckle: [impatiently] Will you come on?
[Garfield boards the plane, dressed as a human; he does not look happy]
Garfield: I've never been so humiliated in my life.

Jon Arbuckle: I think you'll enjoy flying, Garfield. It's a very smooth and comfortable way to travel.
Garfield: [holding up an airsick bag] Then what are these little sacks for, the Easter egg hunt?

Garfield: [on the plane] I'd like flying better if I could keep one paw on the ground.
[suddenly sniffs the air]
Garfield: What's that?
Garfield: Sounds like a wind cable fraying!
[sniffs the air]
Garfield: Smoke! I smell smoke! Smoke! We're going down in flames!
Jon Arbuckle: [gesturing out the window] Relax, Garfield, we haven't even taken off yet.
Garfield: Great, cats and children first!
[he tries to flee, but Jon grabs him and sits him back]

Jon Arbuckle: [as he and Garfield trudge down the hall to their motel room] This isn't exactly what I bargained for.
Garfield: Oh, you bargained for it, all right.

Jon Arbuckle: As long as we're up, we might as well unpack.
Garfield: Unpacking sounds so final. We're really going through this vacation, huh?

Garfield: Hey, Jon, let's blow this scene; it's too warm here on the beach.
Jon Arbuckle: You don't wanna leave already, do you? We just got here.
Garfield: Fix yourself in my shoes. You'd be warm, too, if you wore a fur coat to the beach. Let's do some cruisin'.
Jon Arbuckle: [as Garfield and Odie tickle him] Okay, okay, we'll leave.

Jon Arbuckle: You speak English?
Chief: Well, we watch a lot of beach movies, you know.
Jon Arbuckle: This is all very confusing.

Jon Arbuckle: There's the bed and the bathroom's down the hall. Any questions?
Garfield: Yeah. Where're you gonna sleep?

Jon Arbuckle: Owooda, what has to be done?
Owooda: Don't try to stop me, Jon. I must throw myself to the volcano.
Jon Arbuckle: No!
Owooda: Yes! If I don't do it, my village and my people will be destroyed.
Jon Arbuckle: Why you?
Owooda: My father is the chief. I am the princess. It is written that only a princess can appease the volcano. Check that - that only a princess and her *cat* can appease the volcano.

Jon Arbuckle: Are you trying to tell me the cruiser drove his car into the volcano to save your village?
Chief: I'd like to think so.
Jon Arbuckle: That's some story.
Chief: Well, it gets better every time I tell it.
Jon Arbuckle: Do you really believe that?
Chief: If we didn't, we wouldn't have built that shrine over there.

Jon Arbuckle: Well, time's wasting. Come on guys, let's hit the pool!
Garfield: I can't wait. Oh when will this mad whirlwind existence ever stop?

Jon Arbuckle: [sighs] I've never seen anything so beautiful in all my life.
Owooda: [sighs] Why, thank you, Jon.
Garfield: [mimicking Owooda; sighing] Why, thank you, Jon.

Jon Arbuckle: [singing] When I saw you...
Owooda: [singing] When I saw you...
Jon Arbuckle: In the sunset...
Owooda: In the sunset...
Jon Arbuckle: And you told me...
Jon Arbuckle, Owooda: Your love would be true... It was music... /It was orchids... /It was you...

Jon Arbuckle: Hello Owooda, my name is Jon.
Owooda: Hello Jon, my name is Owooda.

A Garfield Christmas Special (1987) (TV)
Jon Arbuckle: [whispering] Hey, Dad.
Doc Boy: [whispering] Psst. Hey, Dad. You awake?
Jon Arbuckle: Dad?
[turns on light]
Doc Boy: [shouts] Dad, you awake?
Dad: Well, I'm awake now. What do you boys want?
Jon Arbuckle: Is it time to open our presents yet?
Dad: It's 1:30 in the morning, and *no*, it's not time to open presents yet.
[turns off light]
Doc Boy: [to Jon] It *is* Christmas morning *now*, you know.
Jon Arbuckle: [turns light back on] Doc Boy has a point there, Dad. Any time after midnight is technically Christmas morning, you know.
Dad: [to Jon and Doc Boy] Go - to bed!
Jon Arbuckle: [slightly irritated] All right, all right.
[turns off light]
Doc Boy: [sarcastically as he and Jon leave] Pleasant dreams, Dad. It is Christmas morning.
Jon Arbuckle: I know that and you know that.
[shuts door]

Jon Arbuckle: Now, behave yourself this Christmas, Garfield.
Garfield: No problem; I'll wait in the car.

Dad: Well, what do you boys want to do first? Do you want to do chores? Do you want to eat breakfast? Or do you want to open presents?
Jon Arbuckle, Doc Boy: [shout] Presents!

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield, there's plenty of leftovers.
[presenting Garfield with a plate of leftovers]
Jon Arbuckle: Would you like something to eat?
Garfield: Oh, no thank you, Jon.
[patting his now-full stomach]
Garfield: I've opted to watch my waist line this holiday season.

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield, come over here.
[Garfield turns around]
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, I have a very important job for you. It's a dangerous assignment, but if you succeed, you'll be a hero.
Garfield: A hero! I like that.
Jon Arbuckle: I want you to take this star up the tree and put it on the top.
Garfield: [saluting Jon and accepting the star] Climbing trees is my life, sir. If I'm not back in an hour, send a banana cream pie after me.

Jon Arbuckle: Doc Boy, how's my favorite brother?
Doc Boy: Don't call me Doc Boy. You've probably forgotten I'm your ONLY brother.

Jon Arbuckle: I remember when my brother Doc Boy and I were little...
Garfield: Oh brother, here we go again.
Jon Arbuckle: [singing] Dad would chop down the tree.
Garfield: Chores.
Jon Arbuckle: Mom would fix up a meal.
Garfield: Work.
Jon Arbuckle: Doc Boy would get in the way.
Garfield: Fighting. Big fat hairy deal.
[Odie barks]
Jon Arbuckle: Decorating the tree.
Garfield: Gardening.
Jon Arbuckle: Wiring all of the lights.
Garfield: Electrical contracting.
Jon Arbuckle: Wrapping boxes and writing out cards.
Garfield: Office work. Outta sight.

Dad: [reading "Binky: The Clown Who Saved Christmas"] Once upon a time, there was a clown named Binky, who loved children. Every time Binky saw children, he would say, "Hey, kids!"
Jon Arbuckle: No, no, no, no, no, Dad! Read it with more emotion!
Doc Boy: Yeah, yeah! An-an-and why don't you say it like Binky says it?
Dad: [Clears throat] Every time Binky saw children, he would say, "HEEEEEEEEY, KIIIIIIIIDS!"
[Odie licks Dad to indicate his approval]
Dad: [annoyed] Cut that out!

Jon Arbuckle: We're almost back on the farm now, boys. I can almost smell Mom's chestnut dressing baking in the oven right now.
Garfield: [sniffs] That's not what I smell.

Jon Arbuckle: [singing] Then we'd take those presents / And pile them under the tree / We'd barely get a wink of sleep / Wondering what they could be.
Garfield: [singing] The special gifts of Christmas.
Jon Arbuckle: Christmas.
Garfield: That really make it great.
Jon Arbuckle: It's so great.
Garfield: Are the insomnia and the anxiety... Kids get from having to wait.
Jon Arbuckle: Can't wait 'til Christmas / There's so much to do / Can't wait 'til Christmas...
Garfield: Wake me when it's through.

Jon Arbuckle: Grandma, you remember Garfield, don't you?
Grandma: Well, I'll be. I remember back when all we had were wood-burning cats. Ah, what'll they think of next?
Garfield: Bizarre.

Jon Arbuckle: Hey, Mom, pass the potatoes, please.
Mom: Scalloped, whipped, fried, baked, or boiled?
Jon Arbuckle: Mom! You always fix too much food.
Mom: I know, honey, I know. Now what would you like?
Jon Arbuckle: Why, I can't decide. Just give me a piece of pie.
Mom: Apple, peach, pumpkin, blueberry, cherry, or banana cream?

Jon Arbuckle: Hey, Garfield, guess what today is.
Garfield: Listen carefully, Jon: I don't do pop quizzes before breakfast, okay?

Jon Arbuckle: Are you ready for this, Garfield? It's Christmas Eve morning! We're gonna pack up our presents and go to the farm for Christmas! Won't that be fun?
Garfield: You've got a real sick sense of humor, Jon. You know that, don't you?
Jon Arbuckle: The whole family's gonna be there: Dad, Mom, and Grandma, and Doc Boy...
Garfield: And Good Boy, Bad Boy, Oh Boy, Attaboy...
Jon Arbuckle: Come on, Garfield, we have a busy day ahead of us!
Garfield: [to himself] Why is it every Christmas I get drug out of my warm bed just to see some stupid old relatives? And why do we always have to go to that stupid old farm? Why can't they come here where my warm bed is? And why am I whispering?

Jon Arbuckle: There's no doubt about it, Christmas is my favorite holiday. The air's crisp, homes are brightly decorated, and everybody's walking around with big smiles on their faces.
[Garfield frowns]
Jon Arbuckle: Uh, almost everybody. I think the best part is watching the faces of children and sharing memories of being a child at Christmas. I remember when my brother Doc Boy and I were little.
Garfield: Oh, brother, here we go again.

Jon Arbuckle: [as he tries to help Dad put the star on top of the tree] Careful, Dad. Don't hurt yourself.
Dad: Why is it that we always put the stupid star on last? Why don't we put the star on top of the tree, then put the tree up?
Mom: Well, it just wouldn't be Christmas if we put the star on first, honey.

Jon Arbuckle: [as he, Garfield, and Odie go for a walk in the snow] This is what it's all about, right boys? Hard work, crisp weather, and beautiful scenery!
Garfield: [his tail sticking out from the snow] What scenery? I think somebody turned the lights out. In fact, I'd go so far as say things can't get much worse than -
[crashes into a snow gauge]
Garfield: I gotta quit saying that.

Dad: [finishing "Binky: the Clown Who Saved Christmas"] Now once again, Binky the Clown saved Christmas for children all over the world.
[closes the book]
Dad: The end.
Doc Boy: I don't know about you, Jon, but for a couple of minutes there, I was gettin' pretty worried.
Jon Arbuckle: Ooh, me too!
Mom: [chuckling] All right, boys, it's time to get ready for bed.
Jon Arbuckle: All right!

Garfield Goes Hollywood (1987) (TV)
Jon Arbuckle: [Garfield stayed behind with a goldfish who's a rival on Pet Search] Where were you, Garfield?
Garfield: [as he gulps and pats his stomach] Eliminating some competition.
Jon Arbuckle: Well, hurry and get dressed. The show's about to begin.
Pet Search host: [entering their dressing room] Hey, you're on in five minutes. Don't be late.
Jon Arbuckle: Come on, guys, let's break a leg!

Jon Arbuckle: [after seeing a group of chickens perform at the Pet Search finals] Those chickens were pretty good.
Garfield: Yes, they are. We must have them for dinner some time.

Jon Arbuckle: OK, are we going out there tonight?
Garfield: Maybe!
Jon Arbuckle: Are we gonna get the performance of our lives?
Garfield: Doubt it!
Jon Arbuckle: Are we gonna win?
Garfield: Not a chance!
Jon Arbuckle: All right, let's DO it!
[he and Odie dash away to the stage wing]
Odie: [barks]
Garfield: Let's not, and say we did!

Jon Arbuckle: I think we have it wrapped up, guys. I haven't seen any competition so far, and there's only one act *after* us!
Odie: [barks]
Garfield: They're lucky it'll probably be a dog who plays five instruments at the same time.

Pet Search host: Our final act this evening is Bob the Wonder Dog. He will play five, count them, FIVE instruments simultaneously!
Jon Arbuckle: Uh-oh.
Garfield: Bingo.
Odie: [whimpers]

Jon Arbuckle: Wow, just look at all this! Our own private dressing room! Fresh flowers! So this is what stardom is like!
Garfield: [looking into a rehearsal room] Hey, they're rehearsing! Let's check out the competition.

Jon Arbuckle: [after Miles the Jazz Canary has performed] Winning all those prizes would be great guys. But getting back to our *real* home will be even greater, right?
Garfield: He's *got* to be kidding.

Pet Search host: [after Odie reveals Bob the Wonder Dog as somebody in a dog costume, the audience boos] There seems to be a disqualification! Well, those are all the acts, so it's time to let the studio audience determine this week's winner!
[gesturing to the remaining contestants off-camera by shaking his finger at them]
Pet Search host: May I have all the contestants on stage, please?
Jon Arbuckle: This is it. Good luck, boys.

Jon Arbuckle: We're rich, we're famous! We'll win the contest and get the show on the road! You guys are fabulous; I had no idea you could dance!
Garfield: Shucks, that old number? You should see us on the fence.
Jon Arbuckle: We'll need costumes, a routine, we'll rehearse day and night!
Garfield: Day and night? For-get it.
Jon Arbuckle: [bringing out his guitar] And we'll need - some music.

Jon Arbuckle: [after he, Garfield, and Odie sing "Wizard of Love" at the "Pet Search" preliminaries] You guys were *great*!
[Odie barks]
Garfield: You were awful!
Jon Arbuckle: Well, one more act to go and we can collect our $1,000.

Jon Arbuckle: [settling into his easy chair before watching "Pet Search"] Come on, boys, the show is about to start!
[Garfield and Odie scamper in]
Jon Arbuckle: Gee, isn't it great to be like a real family to enjoy something together?

Jon Arbuckle: [as he, Garfield, and Odie arrive at the WBOR studio for the Pet Search preliminaries] So this is show business. Pretty glamorous, huh, guys?
Garfield: Oh, quaint. A low tech studio in a high tech society.
Jon Arbuckle: And those other acts look pretty good, too.

Garfield's Thanksgiving (1989) (TV)
Jon Arbuckle: [as Garfield chatters over his upcoming vet visit] Now just relax.
Garfield: Want me to relax? Take me to Hawaii.
Jon Arbuckle: I'm only bringing you to the vet for a checkup.
Garfield: Check-OUT, Jon, we're only here so you can check out the vet. Why don't you marry her, then she could make house calls?

Garfield: Pancakes, pancakes the size of Australia, and coffee, yes, Jon, coffee. We wouldn't be the great nation we are without coffee. So do your patriotic duty, Jon Arbuckle, and fix - me - breakfast!
[drum beats, then Odie crashes cymbals]
Jon Arbuckle: [slightly dazed] I wonder if people with goldfish have this problem.

Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, I need help.
Garfield: Hm, understatement of the year.

Jon Arbuckle: Thanks for telling me I wasn't wearing any pants, Garfield.
Garfield: Oh sure, blame it on the vet.

Garfield: Now *this* is what Thanksgiving is all about.
[shoving the groceries in Jon's face while he's driving]
Garfield: Thanksgiving is cookies! Thanksgiving is pie filling! Thanksgiving is coleslaw! Drive carefully, Jon; don't wanna bruise my kumquats. W-wait a minute. Wh-where're we goin', Jon? Th-This isn't the way home.
Jon Arbuckle: We're going to the vet, Garfield.
[as Garfield shoves more groceries into Jon's face, we see Jon driving recklessly in the next shot and bumping into the sidewalk repeatedly as Garfield yells]

Jon Arbuckle: [it's Thanksgiving morning and the second day of Garfield's diet]
Jon Arbuckle: Good morning, Garfield. Sleep well?
Jon Arbuckle: [Garfield hisses with claws drawn, but Jon lowers his arm] Well, aren't we nasty today? Save your energy, Garfield; nothing you do can spoil my good mood. It's Thanksgiving, and I have a dinner date with my dream girl. Which reminds me, she'll be here in about - three hours, so I'd better get the old turkey outta the freezer!

Garfield: Hey Jon, another frozen dinner.
Jon Arbuckle: Everything's ruined, Garfield. What can I do? I'm doomed. Liz will never speak to me again.

Jon Arbuckle: [Garfield drags out a phone] Very funny, Garfield. I can't feed Liz this.
Garfield: Jon, you nitwit!

Jon Arbuckle: [Garfield brings out a purple sweater] I'm not cold, Garfield; why did you drag out the sweater Grandma made for me last Christmas?
Garfield: Last chance!

Jon Arbuckle: Interestingly enough, it was Abraham Lincoln who officially proclaimed the last Thursday of November as Thanksgiving in 1863, you see. Now get this: in Canada, they celebrate Thanksgiving, *too*, but it's *not* on the fourth Thursday of November. They celebrate it on the second Monday of October. Isn't that wild?
Dr. Liz Wilson: [yawning] I have no idea.

Dr. Liz Wilson: That was a *wonderful* meal. Thanks for inviting me, Jon.
Jon Arbuckle: Same time next year?
Dr. Liz Wilson: Mm-hmm, that'd be nice. I'll be here before the meal, but after the history lesson.

Jon Arbuckle: [seeing Garfield and Odie sitting on the couch lazily] Well, it was a great day! And judging by the looks of you two and your bellies, I'd say you had a great day, too. You know one thing I'm thankful for today?
Jon Arbuckle, Garfield: Grandma!
[Odie barks]
Jon Arbuckle: Let's take a little walk and try to work off some of this food, boys.

Garfield (2004)
Garfield: Oh, Sleeping Beauty, wake up. You can stop dreaming about me, because I'm here. Now just wake up. You got work to do. You're not just my owner, you're my primary caregiver. Now be a...
Jon Arbuckle: Not now, Garfield.
[Wraps arm around Garfield]
Garfield: [choking] Get- A- Ah- Just- All right. Cut the sweet stuff. Easy now. Just-
[breaks free]
Garfield: Trying to cuddle with me, huh? Trying to avoid your duties, eh? Well, that just ain't gonna fly! It isn't gonna work with me. See, I'm getting my exercise, doin' my job. Just one quick CANNONBALL!
[jumps from TV and hits Jon in the stomach]
Garfield: Morning.
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield!

Jon Arbuckle: What am I gonna do with you?
Garfield: Love me, feed me, never leave me.

Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, did you eat all four boxes of lasagna?
Garfield: [hiccups] It's not my fault. They started it.

Jon Arbuckle: [a mouse runs by] Mouse!
Garfield: No thanks, I'm full.
[mouse runs away]
Jon Arbuckle: Get him Garfield!
Garfield: [looks at mouse then back at Jon] Get him Jon.

Jon Arbuckle: [in the phone] I'll call you later. Garfield is being... Garfield.

Garfield: Jon, you had me a chick magnet, and now you got a tick magnet!
Nermal: Garfield, Jon brought a dog home.
Garfield: I'm aware, Nermal.
Nermal: Why would he do a thing like that?
Garfield: Gee, I don't know, Nermal.
Nermal: Well it just sounds like a weird thing to do, bringing a dog into a house that already has a cat.
Garfield: Can we drop it? I mean it's no big deal. It's just a splattered bug on the windshield of my life.
Nermal: A... bug?
Garfield: A dim-witted, smelly, goofy... splattered bug that I will deal with properly and enthusiastically.
Jon Arbuckle: [to Odie] Come on, boy!
Garfield: As you can see, I'm still Jon's favorite.
Nermal: See you later, Garfield! Good luck with the bug thing!

Jon Arbuckle: [Liz] She is so beautiful.
Garfield: Uh, Mr Pathetic. You've had a crush on her since high school. Would you please ask her out so she can reject you and we can get on with my life?

Jon Arbuckle: Some part of me has always wanted to know what it would be like to have a pet that actually wants to play with you.

Jon Arbuckle: Liz, I have a confession. Well, its not really a confession, more of an admission. Its a... Liz... its a declaration.

Jon Arbuckle: [Jon's lost both his pets] First Odie, and now Garfield. I am the worst pet owner on the planet.

Jon Arbuckle: [on the phone] No, Odie's not a hounddog. Yes, I'm sure.

Garfield in Disguise (1985) (TV)
Jon Arbuckle: That's not funny, Garfield.
Garfield: Then how about this?
[Makes a funny face]
Jon Arbuckle: Now that's funny.
[laughs, then sighs]
Jon Arbuckle: Why can't I stay angry with you, Garfield?
Garfield: Because I'm a cat.

Jon Arbuckle: You're probably wondering what I'm doing with this pumpkin on my head.
Garfield: Wha-hoo! There's a pumpkin on your head? I hadn't noticed.

Garfield: Arrr, it do be a land-lubber who be shovin' lasagna in his face. I declare this booty property of the queen.
[He takes his wooden sword and impales Jon's lasagna, and then eats it]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey! Who do you think you are?
Garfield: Arrr, I be Orange Beard the Pirate Cap'n, an' this be me first mate, Odie the Stupid.

Jon Arbuckle: You guys look ridiculous.
Garfield: Arr, I've killed men fer sayin' less than that, but I'll letcha live, seein' as how yer the only man who'll change me kitty litter.

Garfield: [examining a bowl full of pumpkin seeds] Hmm. This stuff appears to be a bit of lasagne persuasion.
[He grabs a handful of the seeds and stuffs them in his mouth]
Jon Arbuckle: Since when did you like pumpkin innards?
Garfield: [gags; spits seeds out] PTOOEY! Since never! Blecch.
[drops the bowl of innards, and we hear it break]

Jon Arbuckle: What's with the blanket? You practicing for Halloween?
Garfield: Practicing? Practicing? Ha! I'll have you know Halloween's my middle name. Gar-Halloween-field. Oh, well.

[Garfield sneaks up on Jon, who is holding a pumpkin and removing its innards to carve it into a jack-o-lantern]
Garfield: Boo!
Jon Arbuckle: [throwing the pumpkin up in the air, startled] Wha-a-a!
[the pumpkin falls down on his head]
Garfield: Gotcha!
Jon Arbuckle: [sounding cross] That's not funny, Garfield.
Garfield: Then how about this?
[He makes funny faces at Jon]
Jon Arbuckle: [laughing] Now that's funny, Garfield.
[he sighs]
Jon Arbuckle: Why can't I stay angry with you, Garfield?
Garfield: 'Cause I'm a cat.

Jon Arbuckle: [to Garfield] I was carving a jack o'lantern until you arrived. What do you think?
Garfield: It's you.
Jon Arbuckle: [pushing the jack o'lantern off his head, then it lands on Odie's] Well, this one's ruined.

Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties (2006)
Jon Arbuckle: Liz, will you marry me?
[shows the ring to Liz]
Liz Wilson: Yes.
[Everyone starts clapping]
Garfield: You know a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's.

Jon Arbuckle: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Garfield, what are you doing?
Garfield: I'm security, pal. Just protecting you from yourself.
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, you've caused enough trouble today. Now you have food, water, and company.
Garfield: [points at Odie] Which one is he?
Jon Arbuckle: Be good.
Garfield: Jon, he's hilarious. Be careful, she's a maneater!
[Jon closes the door]
Garfield: Oh no. He's under her spell.
[Odie still looks for the hamburger in the cabinet]
Garfield: Okay, Odie, I'll give you one small clue... *it's not in there!*

Jon Arbuckle: Garfield? Odie, wh-wh-what are you doing here?
Prince: Garfield? What the devil is a garfield?

Veterinary Assistant: They're gonna be fine, Jon.
Jon Arbuckle: You know, Garfield's never stayed in a kennel before, so I'm afriad he might have some separation anxiety.
Veterinary Assistant: [assuring] No. He's probably fast asleep in his cage by now.
[in the cage room, Garfield and Odie are in a cage and Garfield shouts while striking the cage door]
[strikes the cage door again]
[shakes the cage door]
[stomps the floor of the cage]
[Garfield shakes the cage door very hard, causing it to swing open with him on it]
Garfield: NEVER MIND!
[Garfield lets go of the cage door and falls to the floor]
Garfield: I just broke out!

Liz Wilson: [to Jon] Don't let Odie out of your sight they might deport him.
Garfield: [very interested] *Deport* Odie? Ooh, I like this country already! Oops...
[the table tips over and the bag and Garfield fall onto the floor]
Garfield: [getting up] OK, I'm gonna need a litterbox, a Room Service manual and the TV remote and, in that order. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my office.
[walks towards the bathroom]
Jon Arbuckle: [looks into his bag and gets surprised that his clothes are gone] Where are my clothes?
Garfield: [in the toilet] Cool. My very own cat tub.
[turns on the buttwasher and turns it back off immediately after being squirted by water]
Garfield: Gol-ly!
[spits some water out]

Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, since when do you say "no" to lasagna?
Prince: ...You do realize I'm a cat, don't you sir?

Jon Arbuckle: [dries Prince with a towel] Mr. and Mrs. Jon Arbuckle... Liz Arbuckle... Elizabeth Arbuckle.
Prince: Listen, you dolt. There's been a coup d'etat. Attempted murder most foul. I am Prince XII of Carlyle.
[smoothens fur]
Prince: [to Odie] You there, with the wise and thoughtful look. Hello. Convince this man there's been a mix-up.
Jon Arbuckle: [comes out of the bathroom with a blow-dryer] Garfield, I want you to be at my wedding party.
Prince: Wedding party?
Jon Arbuckle: Think you can hold a basket of flowers in your mouth?
Prince: Enough with the frooming, you dunce. My subjects face mortal jeopardy.
[gets off the bed]
Prince: [to Odie] Dog, approach.
[Odie approaches Prince]
Prince: We must plan my escape, and I'm relying on your expedience and cunning.
[Odie begins chasing his tail]
Prince: [sighs] Okey-dokey, new plan.

Jon Arbuckle: What am I gonna do? How am I supposed to find Garfield? London's very big.
[Odie fetches some newspaper from the trash can and hands it to Jon]
Jon Arbuckle: [after reading the headline] I don't care about some alien love baby, okay? I'm worried about Garfield.
[Odie jumps on Jon and licks him, telling him to turn the paper over]
Jon Arbuckle: Okay Odie, you know what, you're being a real...
[reads the article about Prince]
Jon Arbuckle: "Lady Eleanor Carlyle inherits her entire estate to her beloved cat Prince XII." Maybe somebody mistook this cat for... Garfield! Come on! Good boy!

Garfield Gets a Life (1991) (TV)
Man: Hey, buddy, disco's dead!
Jon Arbuckle: What? When?

Jon Arbuckle: Boy, you learn a dance and then zango, 14 years later, they change it.
Garfield: Go figure.

Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, did you know the living room ceiling has 144 tiles?
Garfield: The living room has 214.
Jon Arbuckle: I'm bored.
Garfield: Why don't you organize your sock drawer?
Jon Arbuckle: I'd organize my sock drawer but I already did it last night.
Garfield: I'll be the judge of that.
[opens the drawer and finds the socks organized]
Garfield: Whoa, I'm impressed.

Jon Arbuckle: There's more to life than just socks.
Garfield: There's underwear.

Jon Arbuckle: Excuse me ma'ma, I couldn't help notice your frilly little pink... uh tutu thing there, are you a ballerina?
Woman at laundromat: Why yes I am.
[Garfield holds up Jon's boxers]
Woman at laundromat: And I couldn't help noticing your teddy bear boxers. Are you a dweeb?
Garfield: Why yes he is.

Here Comes Garfield (1982) (TV)
Jon Arbuckle: What would you like for breakfast, Garfield?
Garfield: Oh, a cup of coffee, Danish, morning paper.
Jon Arbuckle: OK, one bowl of catfood coming right up.
Garfield: Nobody listens anymore.

Jon Arbuckle: I'm so happy to own a cat.

Jon Arbuckle: Where's Odie? He didn't come back with you?
Garfield: [does a complicated pantomime explaining that Odie was taken to the pound]
Jon Arbuckle: You got fleas or something?
Garfield: [grabs Jon's face] What we have here is a failure to communicate.

Jon Arbuckle: You know, Garfield, I wouldn't have to feed you so much if you would provide for yourself. Why don't you chase mice, too, like other cats?

Jon Arbuckle: Well, I suppose you boys had a big night, singing on the fence, chasing cars, while sat home and worried myself *sick* over you.
[Garfield and Odie nod in unison]
Jon Arbuckle: I thought so.

Garfield on the Town (1983) (TV)
Jon Arbuckle: I was afraid he might have been hit by a car.
Dr. Liz Wilson: In that case, you don't need a vet; you need a tow truck.

Jon Arbuckle: I'd like to place an ad, please. Lost: beautiful orange-striped tabby cat of the big-boned persuasion. Answers to the name Garfield. When found, he'll probably be hungry. His favorite dish is lasagne, but he'll take pretty much any pasta dish; maybe a nice cavatini, heavy on the meat sauce. Please call Jon Arbuckle anytime at 555-7272. A generous reward is offered. So how much will that cost.
[eyes bug out]
Jon Arbuckle: Oh, I see. In that case, let it read, Lost: fat orange tabby cat. Reward.

[Garfield and Odie have demolished Jon's house as they chase each other through it]
Jon Arbuckle: Boys, boys, boys. Just look at this room. What am I going to do with you two? Giving you away at the supermarket comes to mind.
[Garfield and Odie both look increasingly traumatized by everything that Jon says:]
Jon Arbuckle: A one-way ticket to the city pound seems like a good idea. Right now, even taxidermy sounds terrific. I work and slave for you, and do I get any thanks for it? No, I don't! What do I get? A demolition derby in my living room!
[Garfield and Odie nod toward each other]
Jon Arbuckle: That's it, Garfield. This is not normal for you. You're hyperactive, and that's serious. I think it's time for a trip... to the vet!
Garfield: [traumatized] No, no! Not the vet!

Jon Arbuckle: Hungry, Garfield?
Garfield: You guessed it, buster.

"Garfield and Friends: Mistakes Will Happen/U.S. Acres: The Well Dweller/The Wise Man (#3.17)" (1990)
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield's been a very bad dog lately. I'm gonna teach him a lesson she'll never forget.

Jon Arbuckle: I'll scare the pants off those three, or my name isn't June Arburkle!

Jon Arbuckle: [dazed and with a beard] No, ladies, I'm not Tom Selleck, but I can understand how you could make that mistake.

"Garfield and Friends: One Good Fern Deserves Another/U.S. Acres: Goody-Go-Round/The Black Book (#2.5)" (1989)
[Jon's phone rings several times. His answering machine picks up the call. The following recording plays on the answering machine, over Jon's *horrible* singing in the shower]
[phone beeps]
Jon: [clears throat] Hello, this is Jon Arbuckle - Garfield, stop doing that! Uhh... um, I can't come to the...
[Odie whimpers]
Jon: No, take Odie out of there! Umm, can't... come to the phone right now. Leave your message.
Jon: Garfi...
[answering machine beeps]

Jon: [looking through black book] Let's see... "Al's Pizza Delivery", "Chow Mein City", "Ham Sandwiches 'R' Us". Garfield, this *your* little black book!
[tosses it to Garfield]
Garfield: Hey, you keep the numbers you need, I keep the numbers I need, okay?

Jon: [singing off-key] Beautiful Heather, you are the one./Go out with me and we'll have lots of fun./Travel to Paris, London or Rome,/If I can somehow leave my orange cat at home.

Garfield in the Rough (1984) (TV)
[Garfield's neighborhood is all in black and white. A caption at the bottom of the screen reads, "Please do not adjust your set. All the color has temporarily gone out of Garfield's life." Later, Garfield wakes up somberly in his box-like bed; first lines]
Garfield: Ho hum. Double ho... hum. Heck with it. Let's shoot the works, TRIPLE ho hum.
[Garfield stands up]
Garfield: Here I am waking up in the same old bed... facing the same old morning routine...
[Garfield yawns, then stretches. His bones crack causing him to freeze]
Garfield: Stuck in the same old stretch.
[Garfield tiptoes out of his bed and towards his food dish. He stretches again making him able to move. He looks at his dish]
Garfield: Ho hum. The same old food.
[Garfield looks at us]
Garfield: Have you ever had a day when you feel like you've slept and eaten it all? All the color has gone out of my life.
[Garfield walks away from his dish and into the kitchen. On a counter, he finds his owner, who frowns as he rests his elbow on the counter and holds his hand over his cheek]
Garfield: Good morning, Jon.
[Garfield pats Jon on the shoulder. Jon's face falls flat on the counter]
Jon Arbuckle: [muffled] Good morning, Garfield. Garfield?
Garfield: Yes, Jon?
Jon Arbuckle: [muffled] All the color has gone out of our lives.
Garfield: So I've noticed.
Jon Arbuckle: [muffled] Let's take a vacation.
Garfield: [gasps with excitement] Vacation?
[Garfield rushes to a window shade]
Garfield: Rest and relaxation.
[Garfield rolls up the shade and the screen fades from black and white to color. A title appears, "Garfield in the Rough"]

Jon Arbuckle: Where's the bacon I packed?
Garfield: I ate it.
Jon Arbuckle: Where're the biscuits?
Garfield: I ate them.
Jon Arbuckle: Where're the eggs?
Garfield: Don't look at me, Charlie, that egg sucking dog of yours got to them first.
Jon Arbuckle: Where's our food?
Garfield: It was declared a midnight snack.

Jon Arbuckle: [singing] We're going camping, oh boy, oh boy, we're going camping, sleep in a tent, not pay no rent, oh boy, oh boy...
Garfield: [deadpan] We're going camping, whoop-de-doo, ha ha, whee, clap, pause, glow with glee. I'm so excited I could just barf.

"The Garfield Show: Pasta Wars/Mother Garfield (#1.1)" (2008)
[first lines]
Jon Arbuckle: [muttering in his sleep] I know how much you super models love cartoonists. But I promise to another.

Garfield: [as Jon mumbles in his sleep]
[clears throat]
Garfield: Hello? Time to get up. Very important day. Wakey, wakey. Oh, I hate to do this. No I don't!
[sniggers and wakes Jon using the alarm clock]
Jon Arbuckle: AAH! Why did you do that?

Jon Arbuckle: [about Garfield waking him, who puts the calendar in front of Jon] You did that because it's trash day?
Garfield: Party.
Jon Arbuckle: I-It's some sort of holiday. It's... oh no! That's today?
[drops calendar and runs out of the bedroom to get into the shower]
Jon Arbuckle: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Garfield: He's sorry, he's sorry, he's sorry.
Jon Arbuckle: I'll have them in a jiff!

"Garfield and Friends: Binky Goes Bad!/U.S. Acres: Barn of Fear/Mini-Mall Matters (#2.15)" (1989)
[Jon is about to go on a date and he is dressed for the occasion. Heading to the door, he passes by Garfield]
Jon: I have a big date with Liz tonight, Garfield. What do you think of my outfit?
[to Jon's surprise, Garfield snickers and then burst out laughing wildly]
Jon: [irritated] I don't have to take this.
[He heads out the door]
Jon: No cat is gonna make a fool out of me.
[He slams the door]
Garfield: [holding up a watch, still snickering] One... two... three...
[Jon, still irritated, comes back in, wearing his outfit, but no pants. Garfield snickers at him]

Jon: It looks bad for Binky.
Garfield: I'll say, three more of these jokes and he might get the chair.

"Garfield and Friends: Nighty Nightmare/U.S. Acres: Banana Nose/Ode to Odie (#1.3)" (1988)
Jon Arbuckle: How could anyone eat a jumbo mushroom, pineapple, sausage, pepper, olive, onion, meatball, Canadian bacon and pimento pizza all by himself?
Garfield: Plus, I usually prefer thick crust.

Jon Arbuckle: [singing] Eat, Garfield, eat./Eat with all your might./Eat that pasta, eat it fast-a,/'Til it's out of sight./'Til it's out of sight./Munch, Garfield, munch./C'mon, let's do lunch./Make your belly mozzarelly./Crunch, crunch, crunch./Crunch, crunch, crunch./Cheese, salami, ham and Swiss,/Whole wheat, rye and white,/Sliced tomatoes, tons of mayo,/Love at first bite./Garfield, you're an awesome eater./Yes, you are the top./Butter, batter, pitter-patter,/You don't have to stop!/Double snack it,/You can hack it!/Yum, Garfield, yum./Don't you miss a crumb./At a dinner, you're the winner./Don't you pause or you'll get thinner./More, Garfield, more,/'Til you can't fit through the door!/Eat, Garfield, eat!/Chow, chow, chow!

Garfield's Feline Fantasies (1990) (TV)
Jon Arbuckle: [to Garfield] I know cats have a vivid imagination, but yours must be in Technicolor.

Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, what are you doing?
Garfield: I'm not sure anymore!

"Garfield and Friends: Weighty Problem/U.S. Acres: The Worm Turns/Good Cat, Bad Cat (#1.7)" (1988)
Jon Arbuckle: Oh, Garfield, try *not* to annoy the mailman today.
Garfield: [looking at calendar] Today's the day I annoy the *garbage* man. The mailman is tomorrow.

Jon Arbuckle: [singing] Here's my dumbbell.
Garfield: [singing; pointing to Jon] Here's *my* dumbbell.
Jon Arbuckle: Here's my little rope.
Garfield: Here's my little dope.
Jon Arbuckle: What's wrong with a little exercise?
Garfield: What's wrong with a little extra size?
Jon Arbuckle: Maybe there's still hope.
Garfield: Nope.
Jon Arbuckle: Let's turn the place into a gym.
Garfield: I think there's something seriously wrong with him.
Jon Arbuckle: Workout! Workout! That's what it's gonna take.
Garfield: Cookout! Cookout! How about a great big steak?
Jon Arbuckle: The road to health is paved with good intentions.
Garfield: The road to the kitchen can lead to new dimensions.
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, we're gonna get in shape!
Garfield: Fat chance!

Garfield: His 9 Lives (1988) (TV)
Jon: [lamely] You called, master?
Garfield: Ain't life great?
Jon: I assume you would like to have lunch now.
Garfield: Yes, and I desire a picnic on the lawn.
Jon: You want what?
Garfield: [pointing to his lips] Read my lips, Jon, I wanna eat outside today.
Jon: [leaving] Very well, sir.
Garfield: It's hard to find good help.

Jon: How are you this morning, Garfield?
Garfield: In a good mood. I let the mail man live.

"Garfield and Friends: Polecat Flats/U.S. Acres: Hogcules/Brain Boy (#2.10)" (1989)
Jon Arbuckle: Here it is, Garfield, the Polecat Flats Dude Ranch.
Garfield: We could've gone to Rome, Acapulco, Maui, and where does Jon pick? Why, the middle of nowhere.

"Garfield and Friends: Pest of a Guest/U.S. Acres: The Impractical Joker/Fat & Furry (#2.1)" (1989)
[as Jon is in television show]
TV Host: ...And here's our man... Jon Arbingle!
Jon: It's Jon Arbuckle! Jon Arbuckle!

"Garfield and Friends: Ghost of a Chance/Roy Gets Sacked/Revenge of the Living Lunch (#5.15)" (1992)
Jon: [about the policeman] He didn't believe me.
Garfield: I wouldn't believe a man with cowboys and horsies on his pajamas either.

"Garfield and Friends: Forget Me Not/U.S. Acres: I Like Having You Around!/Sales Resistance (#1.13)" (1988)
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, you have to stop buying everything you see! Look what you bought this week: an indoor plastic birdbath; a twenty-seven-year supply of dental floss; a battery-operated battery changer that's only good for changing its own batteries!

Garfield's Babes and Bullets (1989) (TV)
Jon: [seeing Garfield in the closet; last lines] Garfield, what're you doing in here?
Garfield: Getting ready to role the credits, pal.

"Garfield and Friends: T.V. of Tomorrow/U.S. Acres: Little Red Riding Egg/Well-Fed Feline (#2.20)" (1989)
Jon: What are you doing Garfield?
Garfield: Guess.
Jon: Are you dancing?
Garfield: Nope.
Jon: Are you upset?
Garfield: Nope.
Jon: Are you hungry?
Garfield: Not for another two minutes.
Jon: Are you trying to warn me about something?
Garfield: Guess again.
Jon: ARGH! You're driving me crazy!
Garfield: Aw, he guessed.

"Garfield and Friends: Skyway Robbery/U.S. Acres: The Bunny Rabbits Is Coming!/Close Encounters of the Garfield Kind (#3.1)" (1990)
Jon Arbuckle: Why are my long-distance calls measured in light-years?
Garfield: Your cute little extraterrestrial must've phoned home.

"Garfield and Friends: Odielocks and the 3 Cats/U.S. Acres: Quack to the Future/Beddy Buy (#3.10)" (1990)
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, come back here! I said you could have a *light* snack!
Garfield: This *is* a light snack!
[to the camera]
Garfield: A big snack includes soup.

"Garfield and Friends: Cabin Fever/U.S. Acres: Return of Power Pig/Fair Exchange (#1.8)" (1988)
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, I'm so glad I'm me.
Garfield: And I'm glad I'm me.
[Odie comes up]
Jon Arbuckle, Garfield: [in unison] And we're both glad we're not Odie.

"Garfield and Friends: Super Sonic Seymour/A Mildly Mental Mix-Up/The Garfield Rap (#5.16)" (1992)
Super Sonic Seymour: [reading the list Garfield typed] I want you to remove my pants, take back all the money from me, dump paint on my head and let the garbage men take me... I.I.I... wait a minute!
Jon Arbuckle: I can't wait a minute, I have to remove your pants, dump paint on your head...
[proceeds to do so]

"Garfield and Friends: The Legend of the Lake/U.S. Acres: Double Oh Orson/Health Feud (#2.6)" (1989)
Jon Arbuckle: Come on, Garfield, you've got to get in shape!
Garfield: I *am* in shape! Round is a shape!