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Quotes for
Splinter (Character)
from "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" (1987)

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
Michaelangelo: [Leonardo slices up pizza] Yes, friends, the new tubo ginsu. Wa-hoo! It dices, it slices, and it makes French fries and three different...
[a pizza slice lands on Splinter's head]
Michaelangelo: WHOOPS.
Splinter: Kids.

Splinter: [Leonardo meditates heavily] ... Leonardo.
Leonardo: Huh? Splinter!
Raphael: [inside playing a board game] "What Russian novel, embraces more than 500 characters, is set in the Napoleotic wars?"
Donatello: 'War and Peace'.
Leonardo: [bursting in] He's alive.
Raphael: [Leo walks right on the board game] Hey!
Donatello: Game smash.
Leonardo: Splinter's alive.
Donatello: We know, Leo, of course he is. We all think he's alive.
Leonardo: I don't *think*. I *know*.
Donatello: Huh?

April O'Neil: Okay, those guys in the black pajamas, they jumped me, and, and that rat... I saw *you* in the parking lot. That explains you. And you guys...
[the turtles]
April O'Neil: Um... I have no idea where you came from.
Splinter: If you will please just sit down and calm yourself, I will tell you where we came from.
April O'Neil: It talks!
Splinter: It is really quite simple, Miss O'Neil.
April O'Neil: And he knows my name... perfect.
Splinter: Fifteen years ago...
April O'Neil: Why don't I ever dream of Harrison Ford?

[last lines]
Leonardo: We were awesome!
Michaelangelo: Bodacious!
Raphael: Bitchin'!
Donatello: Uh...
Michaelangelo: Gnarly!
Leonardo: Radical!
Raphael: Totally tubular, dude!
Michaelangelo: Wicked!
Leonardo: Hellacious!
Donatello: Uh, mega...
[Splinter clears his throat, the Turtles clam up]
Splinter: I have always liked... Cowabunga.
Leonardo, Michaelangelo, Raphael, Donatello: COWABUNGA!
Splinter: [laughs] I made a funny!

Splinter: I too once had a family, Danny. Many years ago I lived in Japan: a pet of my master Yoshi, mimicking his movements from my cage and learning the mysterious art of Ninjitsu, for Yoshi was one of Japan's finest shadow warriors. His only rival was a man named Oroko Saki, and they competed in all things, but in nothing more fiercely than for the love of a woman, Tang Shen. Shen's love was only for my master and rather than see him fight Saki for her hand, she persuaded Yoshi to flee with me to America. But Saki vowed vengeance. I remember it well, as my master returned home to find his beloved Shen lying on the floor, and then he saw her killer. Saki wasted no words, and during the struggle, my cage was broken. I leapt to Saki's face, biting and clawing, but he threw me to the floor and took one swipe with his Katana, slicing my ear. Then he was gone, and I was alone.
Danny: What became of this Oroku Saki?
Splinter: Nobody really knows... But you wear his symbol.

Splinter: Yes, Oroku Saki, I know who you are. We met many years ago in the home of my master, Hamato Yoshi!
[Shredder removes his mask to reveal his bite wounds]
Raphael: It's him...
The Shredder: You... Now I will finish what I started with your EAR!
[charges at Splinter]

Splinter: Death comes for us all, Oroku Saki, but something much worse comes for you. For when you die, it will be...
[Shredder throws a hidden knife; Splinter catches it, releasing the spear and letting Shredder fall from the building and land in the back of a garbage truck]
Splinter: ...Without honor.
Casey Jones: Oops!
[Casey Jones pulls the lever of the garbage truck and activates its compactor]

Splinter: I am proud of you, my sons. Tonight you have learned the final and greatest truth of the Ninja: that ultimate mastering comes not from the body, but from the mind. Together, there is nothing your four minds cannot accomplish. Help each other, draw upon one another, and always remember the power that binds you. The same is what brought me here tonight, that which I gladly return with my final words: I love you all, my sons.

Splinter: For 15 years now, we have lived here. Before that time, I was a pet of my master Yoshi. When we were forced to come to New York, I found myself for the first time without a home, wandering thew sewers, scavaging for whatever I could find. And then, one day, I came upon a shattered glass jar and four baby turtles.
Michaelangelo: [interrupts] That was us! Hee hee.
Donatello: Shut up! Oh, no...
Splinter: The little ones were crawling into a strange glowing ooze from a broken canister nearby. I gathered them up in an old coffee can and when I awoke the next morning, I received a shock. For they had doubled in size. I, too, was growing. Particularly in intellect. I was amazed by how intelligent they seemed, but nothing could have prepared me for what happened next: one of them spoke.
Young Michaelangelo: [in flashback] Pizza. Pizza.
Splinter: More words followed, and I began their training. Teaching them all that I had learned from my master. And soon, I gave them all names: Leonardo, Michaelangelo
Michaelangelo: That's me.
Splinter: Donatello.
[he makes a heroic-sounding hum]
Splinter: and Raphael.
April: I'm not dreaming, am I?
Splinter: No. I'm afraid not.

Splinter: All fathers care for their sons.

Splinter: Raphael, come sit by me.
Raphael: Couldn't this wait 'til morning?
Splinter: You will listen, now. My Master Yoshi's first rule was "Possess the right thinking. Only then can one receive the gifts of strength, knowledge, and peace." I have tried to channel your anger, Raphael, but more remains. Anger clouds the mind. Turned inward, it is an unconquerable enemy. You are unique among your brothers, for you choose to face this enemy alone. But as you face it, do not forget them, and do not forget me. I am here, my son.

Gang Leader: We have a loyalty to the Shredder.
Splinter: The Shredder uses you. He poisons your minds to obtains for that which he desires. He cares nothing for you or the people you hurt.
Gang Leader: We're family.
Casey Jones: Family? Did you say family? You call this here and that...
[points to Tatsu, who he just knocked out]
Casey Jones: ...down there, family?

Splinter: Who are you?
Casey Jones: Casey Jones, a friend.

Leonardo: We have had our first battle, Master Splinter! They were many, but we kicked... but we fought well.
Splinter: Were you seen?
Leonardo: Uh-uh.
Splinter: In this, you must never lapse. Even those who would be our allies, would not understand. Our domain is the shadow; stray from it reluctantly, for when you do, you must strike hard and fade away, without a trace.
Raphael: I lost a sai!
Splinter: Then, it is gone.
Raphael: But I can get it back! I can get it back...
Splinter: Raphael!... Let it go.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)
[from trailer]
Splinter: You live, you die, you fight as brothers. Remember, nothing is as strong as family...
[raises a katana and takes on the Shredder]

Splinter: My sons, your training is not yet complete. But you will become the warriors that legends are made of.

Splinter: Legend tells us they came at a time of great pestilence. Farms yielded no food, hearts no hope. Jealousy and spite lured them to us... the demons, the Yokai. Through fear, they enslaved the people. But a remnant of hope shined bright in the darkness... the kappa yokai. Summoned not from anger as the demons, but instead by their hogosha. Though powerful, they would require training from a master in the art of ninjutsu; one who could teach them the principles of honour, courage, wisdom and brotherhood; to become true heroes and defeat the warlord. With these newfound skills in ninjutsu, the kappa yokai were a deadly force. And for the first time in many years, darkness was banished from the land. One generation passed the legend on to the next, preserving their memory should they be needed once more...

Splinter: Shredder.
Shredder: All these years I've been trying to recreate the mutagen. And you... you just handed it to me.
Splinter: [draws his sword] You will not lay a hand on my sons!
Shredder: [laughs] Your sons? You think you're their father?

[first lines]
Splinter: You are extraordinary, my sons. Unlike anything the world has ever seen. Bowed in greatness, destined to protect the people of New York! A dark force is growing: a criminal organization known as the Foot Clan, so named because they step over the good people of this city with no regard. Their leader, Shredder, will come at you with ferocity. His Foot Clan will outnumber you! The people of New York will look upon you as their only hope. Eyes focused! Elbows locked! Stance lowered! Be one with the blades! I know you are eager to answer their calls. But your training is not yet complete. The world below must remain your home. As your father, you must trust me and be patient. You are not yet ready to go above ground, but I believe when that day comes, when you rise to the streets, you will be responsible for amazing things.

[Splinter catches the Turtles sneaking in]
Splinter: Where have you been?
[knocks down Leonardo]
Raphael: We were working out!
[gets knocked down]
Donatello: I forgot to soak my retainer!
[gets knocked down]
Michelangelo: I'm totally sleepwalking! Mikey's sleeping, and walking, he's totally innocent!
[gets knocked down]

[Splinter brings out a pizza since his children won't speak]
Splinter: Of course, you've all tasted the five-cheese pizza. But this... cheesemongers have speculated its existence for centuries. Da Vinci's original masterpiece. I submit to you... Novantanove Formaggio, The 99-cheese pizza!
Michelangelo: It's not possible...
Donatello: Mikey, it's a trap! A pizza with that variety of cheese is a culinary impossibility!
Splinter: [holds out a piece to Michelangelo] Shall I list the ingredients? Cheddar... Provolone...
Leonardo: Mikey, don't you do it!
Splinter: Asiago...
Donatello: Keep it together!
Splinter: Taleggio...
Michelangelo: I don't even know what that is...
Splinter: Mozzarella, of course...
Michelangelo: [cracks] Okay, okay, okay... We left the lair because the Foot were taking hostages, and we totally kicked butt, and there was this girl named April O'Neil who took our picture... but we took care of it!

Leonardo: All these years you told us we were rescued from the fire by a great guardian spirit, a hogosha.
Splinter: That's right.
[points at April]
Splinter: This is the hogosha.
[all the Turtles bow to April]
Michelangelo: [whispers] Dude, my girlfriend is the hogosha...
[Leo hits him]

Splinter: Like all children, they were drawn to the distractions of popular culture. And I knew, one day they would want to explore the world above.
[remembers the young turtles dancing to Hollaback Girl]
Splinter: They would be ridiculed. They would need to learn to protect themselves, both mentally and physically.
[while sweeping, Splinter finds a book on ninjutsu]
Splinter: And then I found a way. First, I would teach myself the ancient art of ninjutsu. The others followed my lead, accelerating at a wondrous rate. Their gift was also their passion; they lived, breathed and dreamed of martial arts. Then, they were ready.

Splinter: Listen closely, April. I don't remember a time before living in that laboratory. That fateful night started like any other: Sachs gave us our injections, your father made sure our vital signs were strong, and you as always provided us with a special treat. After the brothers went to sleep, I heard loud voices... it was the smell of smoke. Alarms sounded. Your father had discovered the truth behind the man he was working for. He set fire to the lab; his last breath was taken trying to destroy Shredder's plan. I was terrified. But then you appeared, and ushered us to safety.
Splinter: I never had a voice, then. But I thank you now, April.

Splinter: [to April] I saw how your father loved you, and I knew I had to show that same love to the Turtles. I became their father, and they became my sons.

Splinter: Everything they are, and everything they have become, was made possible by the bravery you displayed on that fateful night.
April O'Neil: I was just a little girl...
Splinter: And you gave us freedom, where others would have kept us in cages.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows (2016)
Baxter Stockman: [mutates Bebop and Rocksteady] This is gonna be good!

[Bebop and Rocksteady see how they've mutated]
Bebop: You're a rhinoceros!
Rocksteady: And you're a... I don't know what you are!
Bebop: [sees his reflection] Huh, I'm a little piggy?
Baxter Stockman: You're a warthog.

Baxter Stockman: Inside every human, there's a dormant animal gene. This will return them to their rightful place in the animal kingdom!

Baxter Stockman: This is gonna be insane!

Baxter Stockman: If we can't bring him to the extraction point, we can bring the extraction point to him!
[prepares a teleporter]

Leonardo: We keep failing.
Splinter: Keep the team unified, and you shall always succeed.

Casey Jones: [spots Splinter in the lair] Guys, nobody move! Don't move... there is a giant rat back there.
Raphael: Uh, yeah, we've seen him around here before. You know, there's only one way to get rid of him. You gotta get low...
Michelangelo: Low...
Raphael: When you go at him, you gotta go fast, gotta go hard.
Michelangelo: We believe in you, Casey Jones! It's on you, bro!
Raphael: Yeah, exactly.
Michelangelo: Three, two, one... go!
[Casey charges at Splinter... who knocks him down]
Splinter: Giant rat: one. New guy: zero.
Raphael: [laughs] I can't believe it was that easy!

Leonardo: Sensei, the Foot Clan are intending to break Shredder out!
Splinter: If Shredder is free, his reign of terror over the city will begin again.
Leonardo: Exactly!
Splinter: Then there is only one question: why are you wasting time talking to a grumpy old rat? Go get him!

Michelangelo: [in tears] You should have seen the looks on their faces... it wasn't just fear, it was actual hate...
Splinter: It will be all right, my son. People fear what they do not understand.

Splinter: You can't walk away from this...
Leonardo: I told him, Master Splinter! But Raph, he never hears a word I have to say! Nah, I knew they couldn't handle the truth about the purple ooze, and you know what? They proved me right!
Splinter: Leonardo...
Leonardo: I don't know what to do. Donnie's nose is in his computer, Raph's brains are in his biceps and Mikey's head's in the clouds! I can't get them to think on the same page, to think with ONE mind!
Splinter: You shouldn't want them all to think the same, it's their different points of view that make the team strong. A good leader understands this. A good brother accepts it.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: I Think His Name Is Baxter Stockman (#1.5)" (2012)
Splinter: The first rule of being a ninja is "do no harm." Unless you need to do harm, then do lots of harm!

Michelangelo: Excuse me, Sensei, but ninjas never had to go up against guys in armor.
[sees a painting]
Michelangelo: Oh, I mean ninjas always had to go up against guys in armor.
Raphael: Nice save.
Leonardo: Sensei, what was their secret?
Splinter: They understood that you do not fight the armor. You fight the man inside.

Splinter: So you would not object to a little randori?
[holds up a stick]

[last lines]
Splinter: You all showed wisdomm and great skill in defeating the Stockman-Pod. I am proud of you all.
Leonardo: So, does that mean we're not grounded anymore?
Splinter: Yes.
[the Turtles cheer]
Splinter: But first... randori!
[holds up his stick again, the Turtles scream and run]

Baxter Stockman: You will feel the fury of my powered-HOLY COW, YOU GUYS ARE TURTLES!

Baxter Stockman: I'm not Baxter Stockman, I am... THE BAXMAN! No, no, I am... THE SUITINATOR! AW, THAT'S TERRIBLE!... Captain... PUNCH-YOU... HARD. Why is this so difficult?
Michelangelo: I kinda liked the Suitinator.

Baxter Stockman: So... We'll call it a tie?
Leonardo: Wanna call it a tie, Raph?
Raphael: Not yet.
[throws Stockman into a dumpster]
Raphael: NOW it's a tie!

Leonardo: We just want the T-Pod!
Baxter Stockman: Give up my source of power? Why would I do that? So you can laugh at me again, throw me in a Dumpster?
Raphael: Sounds good to me.

Baxter Stockman: Any last words?
Leonardo: Just one: bees!
Baxter Stockman: Bees?
Michelangelo: BEES!
[rams a beehive into Stockman's armor]

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Attack of the Mousers (#1.3)" (2003)
Splinter: Young woman, we have something most important to discuss.
April O'Neil: What?
Splinter: We have never revealed ourselves to the other world. You have placed us all in great danger.
Leonardo: But, Master Splinter... she was in trouble and we helped her.
Raphael: Yeah, aren't you always teaching us to do the right thing?
Splinter: As you grow older, you will learn there are many ways to do the right thing. But there is no going back. I'm afraid we find ourselves at your mercy.
April O'Neil: Oh, I would never tell anybody. I mean, who would believe me?
Donatello: She's got a point.
Michaelangelo: Yeah! We're unbelievable!
Raphael: Geez, where's your off switch?

April O'Neil: Seriously, I promise.
Splinter: ...I believe you.
Leonardo: Is this another lesson, Master Splinter? How to sense the truth?
Splinter: No, this is called trusting your gut.

Splinter: What will you do now, Ms. O'Neil? You are most defiantly out of a job.
April O'Neil: I'm not exactly sure.
Donatello: We'll help you get back on your feet.
April O'Neil: You guys, you've all been, well... great. And by guys, I guess I mean four big, green talking turtles and a giant talking rat.
Donatello: Here's to the new team.
[raises glass]

Baxter Stockman: [turns on the communicator] What?
Oroku Saki: Dr. Stockman.
Baxter Stockman: Make it quick. I'm very busy.
Oroku Saki: I am contacting you to verify that you are fulfilling your end of our bargain and that you are on schedule.
Baxter Stockman: I will not stand for anymore of this idiotic interrogation! I've advanced the Mousers to the next stage, and they are securing the funds from the bank as you requested. Can you grasp that simple concept?
Oroku Saki: Do not presume too much, Dr. Stockman. The price for failure would be quite extreme.
Baxter Stockman: [Stockman turns off the communicator] Imbecile!

Baxter Stockman: Intruders? Here to steal my secrets? You will leave here nothing not even your lives.
[stares at the heat signatures of the Turtles]
Baxter Stockman: What on earth are you? I suppose I'll have to dissect you to find out.

Baxter Stockman: [to the turtles] What are you?
April O'Neil: They're with me!
Baxter Stockman: April! You're alive?
April O'Neil: And kicking. I've got enough evidence to put you away for years, Dr. Stockman.

Baxter Stockman: I got them! I got them all
[bumps onto Hun]
Baxter Stockman: You. What do you want, Hun?
Hun: Trouble, Dr. Stockman?
Baxter Stockman: Trouble? No, no. Everything is proceeding exactly as I planned.
Hun: [Grabs Stockman] Perhaps you like to explain this plan to the master.
Baxter Stockman: Let me go, you brainless muscle bound idiot! Let me go! Let me go!

Baxter Stockman: So, as any fool can see, the whole thing is simply a minor setback. With your continued funding, the research can continue immediately. I'll be at work, oh, Monday morning.
Oroku Saki: You must pay the price for failure, Dr. Stockman.
[Hun grabs Stockman and drags him out of the room]
Baxter Stockman: No! Where you taking me? You'll regret this! No!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991)
Splinter: Michaelangelo, show the professor where he may rest.
Michaelangelo: Righty-o. This way, dude. It ain't the Hilton.
[opens subway car and they both look in]
Michaelangelo: Um, let's face it, you'd be better off staying at the Hilton.

Splinter: Their world can never be ours.
Michaelangelo: Uh... Not even pizza?
Splinter: [after pause] Pizza's okay.
[the turtles sigh with relief]
Michaelangelo: Man, give a guy a heart attack.

April O'Neil: And they said if you don't mean them at the construction site tonight...
Donatello: What?
April O'Neil: He said he'd send out Tokka and Rahzar again. This time into Central Park.
Donatello: Central Park? How are they gonna avoid all of those... people?
Splinter: Then, there is no choice but to meet as the Shredder wishes.

Splinter: Were you seen?
Leonardo: Of course not, Master Splinter.
Donatello: We practiced Ninja.
Michaelangelo: [off camera] The art of invisibility.
[appears from behind Raph]
Splinter: [holds up the New York Post, with a front page picture of the turtles on stage, with the headline "Ninja Rap is Born!"] Practice harder.
[the turtles groan]
Splinter: Ten flips, now! And remember:
[quoting the song played at the show]
Splinter: "Go Ninja, go Ninja, go!" I made another funny! Ha ha ha ha!

April O'Neil: Where's Splinter?
Leonardo: He's been on the roof ever since he saw your report.
April O'Neil: Doing what?
Splinter: Coming.
[appears in window]
Splinter: to a decision.

Splinter: You have youth, and I have experience. But only those who fight now have both.

[about to leave April's apartment, having seen Raph's foot pretruding from behind the changing curtain and becoming suspicious about their weapons "she" has lying around]
Keno: One last thing, though. I think you might want to know about THIS!
[slams his foot on Raph's]
Raphael: ARGH!
[Raph comes out from behind the curtain]
Keno: It's you guys!
[cluthching his foot and being held back by Donny, Leo, and Mikey]
Raphael: Ah, ah! Let me hurt him. Please! Tell me I can hurt him! Please, please! Grr!
[Splinter puts his hand on Keno's shoulder]
Splinter: I think you'd better sit down.
[Keno sees Splinter and faints]

Splinter: What troubles you, my son?
Donatello: I-I don't know. I just thought there would be more to it; to the ooze, to you know, us!
Leonardo: I know!
Donatello: I just always thought there would be something that... I thought we'd find out we were special.
Splinter: Do not confuse the professor's words with your current worth, my son.
Donatello: But I don't believe him! There's just got to be more to it!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) (VG)
[first lines]
Splinter: New York City: it has always been a haven to the most dangerous and cutthroat criminals in the world. But now a new kind of evil has infected the city, far more deadly than any that has come before. A city under siege, desperately in need of heroes. Heroes that are able to fight in the shadows... brave warriors who embrace the darkness and thrive in the heat of battle. Loyal, courageous, lethal... a warrior family.

Splinter: Leonardo: master strategist and loyal son. The soul of the family.
Leonardo: The best leaders always lead from the front!

Splinter: Raphael: rowdy bruiser with a flash-bang temper. The muscles of the family.
Raphael: You got a problem with that?

Splinter: Donatello: genius intellect and tech guru. The brains of the family.
Donatello: Never underestimate geek power!

Splinter: Michelangelo: party dude packing loads of wacky wit. The heart of the family.
Michelangelo: Totally!

Splinter: Me, Master Splinter: sensei, sage teacher and caring father. The wisdom of the family.

Splinter: We fight with honor, my sons. Always!

Raphael: [sparring with Leonardo] Time for some super-sized knuckle sandwich, bro!
Leonardo: [kicks him] Sorry, Raph, there's only SOLE on the menu tonight!
Splinter: Again! I want you both to begin again - concentrating less on your atrocious puns this time!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: A Better Mousetrap (#1.2)" (2003)
Donatello: What's the matter, Mikey? Can't decide what to watch?
Michelangelo: "I need more power captain". The Turtle Cave must be set to maximum entertainment potential.
Donatello: Turtle Cave? That is so lame.
Michelangelo: What would you call our new digs? The Shellter?
Donatello: Uh, how about... Sewer of Solitude?
Michelangelo: Terrapin Station?
Donatello: The School for Gifted Reptiles?
Michelangelo: The Hall of Ninjustice!
Splinter: Ahem, we will call this place... "Home".
Michelangelo: Hmm, Catchy!

Splinter: We will resume your training in the morning.
Michelangelo: [imitating Splinter] "We will resume your training in the morning."
Splinter: I heard that!
Donatello: Busted!

Reporter: In a press conference today at Stocktronics Incorporated, New York's leading new technology firm...
Michelangelo: Boring!
Donatello: Wait! I want to see this.
Reporter: Founder and CEO, Dr. Baxter Stockman was on hand to unveil his latest innovation.
Baxter Stockman: A wise man once said "Build a better mousetrap, and the world will beat a path to your door". Well, I say let the path beating begin! For I, Dr. Baxter Stockman, have designed the solution to the city's ever-growing rat problem. Ladies and gentlemen... I give you the ultimate expression of rodent extermination technology, the Stocktronics Mouser!

April O'Neil: This is so great! My friends, my family will finally see I really do work with THE Baxter Stockman.
Baxter Stockman: You flatter me, Ms. O'Neil. I like that.

Baxter Stockman: The Mousers will be ready when I decide they're ready. My first field test was...
Oroku Saki: Was a complete failure. I do not tolerate failure.
Baxter Stockman: Which is why you would make a lousy scientist. The test was supposed to expose any possible design blowouts. As a result, I already upgraded the Mousers for greater durability. And I assure you they will perform flawlessly for the next phase of the plan.
Oroku Saki: They had better, Dr. Stockman. For your sake.

April O'Neil: Rat problem, my eye. What are you really up to, Stockman?
Baxter Stockman: Now, now, Ms. O'Neil, that would be telling. Suffice it to say my army of Mousers will make me a very rich and powerful man.
April O'Neil: But, aren't you already a very rich and powerful man?
Baxter Stockman: Ah, Ms. O'Neil, so brilliant, yet so naive. I will truly miss working with you.
April O'Neil: What? You mean I'm fired?
Baxter Stockman: In a manner of speaking.
[hits a button on a remote and the robotic arm grabs April which throws her to the Mousers]
Baxter Stockman: I'm afraid I can't let you live, Ms. O' Neil. You've seen far too much already and well, let's just say I have trust issues.

TMNT (2007)
Master Splinter: There is no place for excuses when you are the LEADER!

Master Splinter: Raphael. Kneel!
Raphael: I did something... I did something really stupid, Master Splinter.
Master Splinter: Go on.
Raphael: I know why you chose him now. I know that there's a reason why he's the better son, and I'm not.
Master Splinter: Raphael, you always bear the world's problems on your shoulders. It is an admirable quality when you are a protector of others. But you must realize that while at times you might not be my favorite student, it does not mean that you are my least favorite son. You are strong, passionate, and loyal to your fault. These are the merits of a great leader as well, but only when tempered with compassion and humility.
Raphael: But Master Splinter, I messed up big tonight. I mean... big.
[Reveals Leo's broken swords]
Raphael: They took him.
Master Splinter: Leonardo...

Master Splinter: Ah, good morning boys!
Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo: Good morning Sensei.
Raphael: Sup'.

Donatello: [talking about Raphael] Why couldn't you have sent him away to train...
Master Splinter: Donatello this home has become like an empty shell. Each of your brothers have strengths and weaknesses. You must learn to be strong when they are weak, for if you cannot learn this than our family, is lost.

Michelangelo: Sensei, are you all right?
Master Splinter: [chuckles] We must do this more often.
Master Splinter: Ee-yah!
[kicks demon back into vortex]
Master Splinter: I still got it!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Of Rats and Men (#2.12)" (2014)
Leonardo: I don't know, Master Splinter... This doesn't seem fair...
Splinter: [blindfolded] I assure you, it is not.
[Splinter and Leo duel... and Splinter trounces him]
Splinter: Blind fighting is more than just honing your other senses. It is about perception, and giving the illusion of control. You may think you have the upper hand in the situation... you do not!
[Mikey and Raph laugh at Leo]
Michelangelo: Looks like someone needs a shower...
Raphael: How's that floor taste, Lame-O-Nardo?
Splinter: [whacks Raph and Mikey] It is not hard to sense loud mouths.

Splinter: No... No... I defeated you. You were gone!
Rat King: I am never gone... I live, because YOU live.
Splinter: Get out of my mind!
Rat King: I am even deeper than your mind... I am inside your very soul. You will give everything to your king! Your Rat King!

Leonardo: We could really use your help, Sensei. Last time, you took that creep out with one punch!
Splinter: Last time was different, Leonardo. The Rat King has grown too powerful... I do not fear for myself, but for what he could force me to do.

[last lines]
Splinter: [beats the Rat King] Control is an illusion!
Rat King: Where... are you?
Splinter: It can be even more blinding than the inability to see. It can...
[the Rat King charges at Splinter... and falls away]
Splinter: ...send you over the edge.
[removes the blindfold, and walks off]
Splinter: Goodbye, my king.

Rat King: That's right! Bow before your master, rat! There is nothing you can do that I can't see coming!
Splinter: So, you still think you are in control of this situation?
[knocks the rat off the Rat King's shoulder]
Rat King: Aristotle! You will pay for that! I can still see through your eyes!
[Splinter holds up a blindfold... ]
Rat King: What?
Splinter: [covers his eyes] How about now?
[the Rat King is now blind, and starts flailing around]

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Baxter's Gambit (#1.19)" (2013)
April O'Neil: Sensei, not that I don't enjoy running Ukes 6,000 times, but when do I get a weapon?
Splinter: Ah, but April, you already possess the kunoichi's most powerful weapon: the mind.
April O'Neil: When was the last time you saw a guy hit someone over the head with their mind?
Splinter: True. Let's find you a weapon.

Splinter: [holds up a tessen] I had one day intended to pass this onto my daughter. But I would like you to have it.
April O'Neil: It's beautiful.

Baxter Stockman: Welcome contestants! I'm so glad you could join us tonight...
Leonardo: Blister Stockboy?
Baxter Stockman: It's Baxter Stockman! I'm your arch nemesis!
Michelangelo: I could totally think of five nemeses way archer than him.
Baxter Stockman: You'll be playing for the ultimate prize: your lives! In the all new family-friendly, incredibly deadly maze of doom!

Fishface: You fool. What are you doing?
Baxter Stockman: I'm sick of you freaks, you treat me like dirt, threaten me! But Baxter Stockman doesn't make friends!
Fishface: Have you gone mad?
Baxter Stockman: [laughs] Mad? I'm full-on-mega crazy!

Baxter Stockman: And even you make it through my maze alive, you'll still have to face my monster of...
Leonardo: Doom? Is it a monster of doom?
Baxter Stockman: No! Uh... monster of... uhhh... uh... Oh the heck with it!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtle Temper (#1.3)" (2012)
Splinter: Not only did Raphael alert the Kraang, but you got caught on VIDEO!
Raphael: Sensei, he was the angriest, nastiest guy you ever met!
Michelangelo: Except for you!
[Raph wallops Mikey]
Raphael: You should have heard the insults this guy was throwing at us! They were so... insulting!
Splinter: Oh, I did not realize he said mean things. Of course, you had no choice but to jeopardize your mission!
Michelangelo: Burn...

[Splinter sets up Raph to be surrounded by his brothers, who point arrows at him]
Splinter: Evade the arrows!
Raphael: No problem!
[does so with no problem]
Splinter: Again! Only this time... Leonardo, Donatello and Michelangelo, insult Raphael.
Donatello: Wait. Insult... HIM?
Splinter: Yes.
Donatello: And he can't fight back?
Splinter: No.
Donatello: [grins at Leo] I'm feeling good about this plan.
[this time, Raph is peppered with arrows]

Raphael: Who does Leo think he is? So what if I got a temper? I'm still the best fighter we got - in fact if anything, my anger makes me a better fighter! You understand me, don't you, Spike? Chew on your leaf if you understand me.
[Spike chews on leaf]
Raphael: Yeah, I thought so.
Splinter: [enters] I understand you, too.
Raphael: Seriously, you gotta knock or something!
Splinter: Raphael, let me tell you a story.
Raphael: Sensei, I'm not really in the mood for a story.
Splinter: Spike, chew on your leaf if you are in the mood for a story.
[Spike chews on leaf]
Splinter: Very well. When I was a young man, I fell in love with a woman...
Raphael: [gets up from his chair] Oh, is it that late already?
Splinter: SIT!... Her name was Tang Shen. And I was not the only man who loved her. There was another competing for her attention: Oroku Saki.
Raphael: Shredder...
Splinter: One day, he insulted me in front of her. He called me many things. I felt I could not let those insults go unanswered. I lost my temper. And over time, our rivalry festered into hatred. Until Shredder sought to finish me off... and I lost my beloved Tang Shen.
Raphael: But... but it wasn't your fault. Shredder insulted you... you had no choice!
Splinter: No choice? I could have chosen to ignore him. I could have chosen to let his words wash over me like a river over stone. But I let him anger me. It was I who made his words into weapons... That's the choice I made. What choice will YOU make?

Splinter: You are ninjas. You work in the shadows, in secret. This becomes difficult if there is proof of your existence in High Definition!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Vision Quest (#3.8)" (2015)
Splinter: Raphael: your temper is like a fire that you must learn to focus for power.

Splinter: Michelangelo: your mind is overrun with distractions. Learn to be strong and calm, like the forest.

Splinter: Donatello: you rely too much on your mind, not on your body. Learn to be strong, like the mountain.

Splinter: Leonardo: you must be the leader in body and spirit. Be like the wind, let nothing weigh you down.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Rise of the Turtles: Part 1 (#1.1)" (2012)
Splinter: And so your inability to work together allowed them all to get away.
Raphael: Well, maybe if I didn't have to waste time arguing with hero boy, I could've saved them.
Leonardo: Hey, if you hadn't gotten in my way, I could have done it, and you went flying off on your own. How smart was that?
Donatello: Well, it would've worked out great if somebody hadn't hit me in the head with their nunchucks.
Michelangelo: Well none of this would've happened if somebody hadn't trusted us to go up there in the first place.
[Splinter stops]
Michelangelo: [sheepish] Oh geez. Sensei, I didn't mean to...
Splinter: No, Michelangelo, you are right.
Michelangelo: I am?
Raphael, Leonardo, Donatello: He is?
Splinter: You were not fully prepared for what was up there. I trained you to fight as individuals, not as a team, and as your teacher - your father - the responsibility for that is mine. Perhaps in another year, we can try again.
Donatello: Another year? We don't have another year!

Splinter: Yes, you must save her.
Leonardo: I agree, Sensei but in that fight, we weren't exactly a well-oiled machine.
Michelangelo: Like that robot with the brain thingy.
Raphael: Give it a rest.
Splinter: Hmm. If you are to fight more effectively as a unit, you are going to need a leader.
Leonardo: Can I be the leader?
Raphael: Why should you be the leader? I kicked your butt. I should be the leader.
Donatello: Hey, I'm smarter than all you guys put together it should be me.
Michelangelo: I think it should be me.
[all stop to look at Mikey]
Michelangelo: I don't really have a reason I just think it would be neat.

Splinter: You all did very well.
Raphael: But I did better.
Splinter: This is about self improvement, Raphael. Not about winning or losing.
Raphael: I know Sensei, but I won and they lost.
[Splinter pinches Raph on his pressure point]
Raphael: [in pain] Wh-what's really important is that we all did our best! Great job, everyone!

Splinter: Wisdom comes from experience, and experience comes from making mistakes.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mousers Attack! (#1.11)" (2012)
Baxter Stockman: My Mousers are destroying the Turtles as we speak, two of them at least!
Dogpound: So you make robots. You must be good with electronics...
Baxter Stockman: The best! There's nothing I can't build, hack, or fix!
Dogpound: [holds up April's phone] Could you hack into this phone?
Baxter Stockman: You insult me, sir. Something so simple would be a waste of my talents.
Dogpound: [growls] Well then, start wasting your talents, before I waste you!

Leonardo: Mousers?
Baxter Stockman: Mobile Offensive Underground Search Excavation and Retrieval Sentries!
Leonardo: Seems a little forced.

Raphael: Dexter Speckman!
Baxter Stockman: It's Baxter Stockman!
Raphael: That was close...

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)
Michaelangelo: I don't think I'll ever laugh again.
Splinter: Hmmm... Yo, Dude!
Michaelangelo: Huh?
Splinter: [suddenly wearing a Hawaiian hat] Hee hee hee hee hee...
Michaelangelo: Oh... Yo, dude!
Splinter: Just like Elvis in Blue Hawaii. Uh-huh-huh! I saw it on cable.
Michaelangelo: [continues laughing]

Splinter: There must have been a battle.
Casey Jones: I knew it, I'm missing all the fun.

Splinter: Put down your sword, Kenshin. They are not enemies. Only lost warriors, like yourself.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Shredder Strikes Back: Part 1 (#1.17)" (2003)
Raphael: [watching football on TV] Panthers, Rams, Bears. They even got Dolphins. Think they'd have room for something a little more... reptilian.
Donatello: The Turtles? My friend, unfortunately the lowly turtle has been saddled by society with a stereotype of being velocity challenged.
Raphael: Say what?
Michelangelo: [steps in front of the TV] May I have your attention please!
[lets out a long belch]
Raphael, Donatello: Cool.
[applaud for Mikey]
April O'Neil: Ewww!
Splinter: [to April] This is what I live with ALL THE TIME.

Michelangelo: Scrambled's okay with everybody, right?
Raphael, Donatello, Splinter, April O'Neil: AGAIN?

April O'Neil: So, one would think that table manners were a part of their training...?
Splinter: One would think.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Shredded & Splintered (#1.5)" (1987)
Raphael: Now we can relax, catch some boob-tube, and forget about all of that weirdness we went through.
Splinter: For now, but I fear we have not seen the last of the Shredder or Krang.
Donatello: You're worrying too much master.
Michelangelo: Yeah, I bet we never even hear as much as a peep out of them again.
TV Announcer: Stay tuned for tonight's Sci-Fi Chiller thriller killer Movie. It's a real classic, "The Evil Brain From Dimension X."

[Dueling Shredder]
Splinter: You have corrupted my teaching, you have brought dishonor upon the noble Foot Clan. Now you will pay for your crimes.

Leonardo: Master, that device was your only hope of being human again!
Splinter: I had to destroy it to save you.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Same as It Never Was (#3.21)" (2005)
Michelangelo: Brainiac here wants to go up against the Shredder.
Leonardo: We've already tried it, Donny. How do you think we lost Casey?
Raphael: The Shredder's palace is surrounded by an army of Foot police.
Leonardo: And Utrominators.
Raphael: And Karai Legions.
Leonardo: We can't even get inside to fight him.
Baxter Stockman: And if you could you couldn't beat him. The Shredder's new exo-suit is stronger than ever. I should know, I designed it.
Leonardo: It's impossible.
Raphael: Can't be done, Donny. It's hopeless.
Donatello: I don't know what happened to you guys, but the Turtles I knew believed that nothing was ever hopeless. Please. We can do this.
Leonardo: All right, Donny, we'll do it one more time. But please, tell me we have a fighting chance.

Baxter Stockman: [a older and handicapped Hun wheels in out of the dark, Baxter Stockman's brain canister grafted to his shoulder] Well, well, well. Donatello.
Donatello: What the?
Baxter Stockman: Looking younger than ever. And how do we look? Just another one of the Shredder's apropos punishments. Don't be impolite, Hun. Say hello.
Hun: Greetings, Donatello.
April O'Neil: Relax Donny. They're on our side. We saved them from being executed about five years back.
Hun: This life is worse. I wish I had been put out of my misery.
Baxter Stockman: And I wish you had been put out of *my* misery, you miserable misanthrope.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Meet Casey Jones (#1.4)" (2003)
Splinter: Ah, my son. So angry. Rage is a monster that will destroy you from within. Raphael, a true warrior finds balance in all things.
Raphael: Master Splinter. I... I... I... gotta... gotta get some air.

[the Turtles attempt sneaking out of the lair to stop Casey, but are caught by Master Splinter]
Splinter: Ahem.
Michelangelo: Busted!
Splinter: How many times have I told you not to sneak up to the surface?
Michelangelo: This month?
Donatello: 512, actually.
Splinter: It is dangerous for you to go about openly in the world above. You cannot simply walk amongst the humans. They will not accept who and what you are. It is as the great sage and warrior Kenji Hashimura once said, "Why walk when you can ride?"
Raphael: Come again?

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Manhattan Project: Part 2 (#2.14)" (2014)
The Shredder: Hamato Yoshi. So, you have come to THIS. A wretched rat-man waiting to be put out of his misery.
Splinter: At least I do not wear a mask, hiding what little humanity I have left.
The Shredder: It is because of YOU that I wear this mask!
Splinter: All these years, you continue to deceive yourself. And everyone around you.

Leonardo: You did it, Sensei.
Splinter: With the help of my brave sons, yes, we all did it.
Raphael: What about Karai?
April O'Neil: I still can't believe that evil witch is your daughter. Um... Sorry to be so honest.
Splinter: Perhaps one day she will believe the truth. But that is her decision.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Vengeance is Mine (#2.22)" (2014)
Splinter: What have you boys done? I thought I told you...! Miwa.
Karai: Father.
[they hug]
Leonardo: You see, Sensei? I told you my plan would work.
Splinter: Perhaps some things are worth the risk.

[Karai falls into a vat of snake mutagen]
Splinter: Miwa!
The Shredder: Karai! NOO!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Trans-Dimensional Turtles (#4.10)" (2016)
Splinter: What is going on here? Someone explain! NOW!
80s Leonardo: Wow, your Splinter is kinda strict. And tall too.

Splinter: Leonardo? Why do you seem sad?

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Way of Invisibility (#1.7)" (2003)
Splinter: A creative mind must be balanced by a disciplined body. We must learn stillness and alertness. For they are the only defense against the unexpected.

[Splinter thought Casey was an intruder]
Splinter: Please forgive my rash actions.
Casey Jones: No problemo.
Splinter: Although next time, you would be wise to heed the ancient Japanese proverb: Phone first!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: It Came from the Depths (#1.12)" (2012)
Splinter: You made a wise decision, Michelangelo.
[Raph, Donnie and Leo stare]
Splinter: Yes, I never thought I'd hear myself say that either. His scars run deep, but they protect a genuine heart. When he awakens, Michelangelo, you must find a way to befriend him.
Michelangelo: No problemo!
Donatello: But we're still chaining him up, right?
Splinter: Of course, I am compassionate, not insane.

Michelangelo: It's like you always say Master Splinter; the enemy of my enemy is my bro.
Splinter: That is not exactly what I said...

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Old Switcheroo (#3.6)" (1989)
Bebop: I'm glad they didn't use that brain switcher thing on Rocksteady and me.
Shredder: Don't worry, you can't switch something that isn't there.

Rocksteady: You want some jellybeans, boss?
Shredder: [switched minds with Splinter] Oh, no thank you.
Bebop: Huh? He's suddenly nice to ya.
Shredder: Uh, I mean shut up, you scrupulous ignoramus!
Bebop: That's more like it.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Reflections (#2.10)" (2004)
[first lines]
Splinter: Sometimes, you revisit the past. Other times, the past revisits you. Those moments can blur the boundary between memories and reality. And yet, sometimes the past is a mirror in which we can see the reflection of what danger the future holds.

[last lines]
April O'Neil: Well, it's definitely a family. But do you think we'll ever be able to teach the kids some manners?
Splinter: Miss O'Neil, teaching them the ancient art of Ninjutsu is hard enough. I am afraid even I cannot work miracles...

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Things Change (#1.1)" (2003)
Splinter: Remember, to be a true ninja you must become one with the shadows. Darkness gives the ninja power, while light reveals the ninja's presence.

Splinter: Well done, Leonardo.
Leonardo: [to Leo] Teacher's pet.
Leonardo: [to Raph] Ninja dropout.
Splinter: My sons! *sigh* My sons, If you are to become true ninja you must work harder. Your path in life will not be an easy one. The outside world will not be a friendly place for you. You four are different in ways the surface dwellers would never understand. To survive, you must master these skills I teach you. Ninjitsu powers of stealth and secrecy. You must become kage; shadow warriors. And you must never be discovered by the outside world.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Funny, They Shrunk Michelangelo (#4.36)" (1990)
Splinter: Have patience, Michaelangelo. Bigger is not always better. Sometimes it is best for things to remain as they are.

Splinter: So that you'll always remember that bigger is not always better.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: I, Monster (#1.13)" (2013)
[last lines]
Splinter: Remember my son, everything that you know I have shown you...
[throws him against a wall]
Splinter: ...but I have not shown you everything that I know!
Leonardo: [sarcastic] It's great to have you back, sensei.

Splinter: My place... is with my sons!
[defeats the Rat King]

Turtles Forever (2009) (TV)
Michelangelo: Come on, Raph. Lighten up. Our cowabunga cousins aren't so bad. Right, guys?
1988 Leonardo, 1988 Michelangelo, 1988 Donatello, 1988 Raphael: [Tackling Michelangelo] Wet Willie!
Michelangelo: You got me!
Raphael: Not bad? They're clowns, not ninjas!
1988 Leonardo, 1988 Michelangelo, 1988 Donatello, 1988 Raphael: Oh yeah?
Raphael: Yeah!
Splinter: Enough! Stop this bickering! You only do your enemy's work for him. You are ninja, all of you. And, all are welcome here. Do not embarrass your sensei.
1988 Donatello: He may not look exactly like our Splinter, but he sure sounds like him.
Raphael: Yeah, uh, sorry about the 'clown' crack.

Raphael: You plan on doing us in, there's gotta be an easier way!
The Shredder: Oh, you shall perish, but not yet. You see, like you, I recently learned that ours is but a single dimension in a multiverse of dimensions. Intrigued, I used this very portal to survey them all. Which is when I made a startling, horrible discovery. There are not simple eight of you, but SCORES OF YOU! Behold, a multiverse of accursed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!
[the Portal displays large images of multiple Turtle dimensions]
1988 Leonardo, 1988 Michelangelo, 1988 Donatello, 1988 Raphael: AWESOME!
The Shredder: Destroying the eight of you would accomplish nothing! So long as ninja turtles exist somewhere in the multiverse, they will interfere in the plans of The Shredder. Our epic battle is never going to end unless I put an end to turtles... FOREVER!
Splinter: Even a creature as power-mad as you, cannot believe he has the ability to subvert the entire multiverse!
The Shredder: Let us put that to a test, vermin! It seems like branches hanging off a single tree, each of these dimensions sprang from a common source. Destroy the source, and you would set off a chain reaction that would destroy ninja turtles everywhere, forever more! And so, you are being scanned. Broken down, for the sole purpose of discovering your "source" DNA. Two turtle teams from two turtle worlds. Different in so many ways, but deep down there are similarities. And those similarities will point the path to the source dimension: Turtle Prime!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Tempus Fugit (#7.1)" (2008)
Splinter: Sometimes the enemies of an enemy can be a friend.
Raphael: Yeah? Well they ain't looking too friendly now!

Cody Jones: Well, I suppose this is goodbye.
Splinter: Cody-san, thank you for your hospitality. Though this may be goodbye, we have forged a bound that will stand the tests of time. Past, present, and future. Remember your teachings, little ninja.
Raphael: Well, guess this is it.
Cody Jones: Take care, guys. I won't ever forget you.
Donatello: And we won't forget you, Cody.
Michelangelo: Thanks for everything.
Leonardo: Remember the ninja code.
Raphael: Gonna miss ya, kid.
Cody Jones: So long.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Wrath of Tiger Claw (#2.19)" (2014)
Splinter: I retain very little from my old life, but this I will never let go... My daughter.
[shows Karai his family photo]
Karai: [stunned] I... I can't believe it. You're telling the truth...! All these years the Shredder has been lying to me...
Leonardo: Wait, you can't believe it? I thought you DID believe it. If you didn't believe it, why did you come down here?
Karai: Father... What have I done?

Splinter: [to Karai] You are who you choose to be. Not what others make you.
Raphael: Some of us choose to be right all the time.
Leonardo: Will you just GO!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutants in Manhattan (2016) (VG)
Splinter: Remember what I taught you! It is when we are together that we are the strongest! I only hope that we are strong enough...

Splinter: A war is coming, my sons. These challenges will be the greatest our family has ever faced. But we must not fear, for the true strength of a ninja comes not from an absence of fear but the mastery of it.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Return to New York (#3.9)" (2015)
Splinter: [his mind restored] My sons.

Donatello: We made it!
Raphael: Yeah, by the skin of our shells.
Michelangelo: So where to now? We have no home to go back to.
Splinter: Homes are transitory. What matters is that we are together.
Leonardo: But we still need a place to hang our masks, Sensei. Where are we gonna live?
Donatello: Well, there's the old power plant, or maybe an abandoned subway tunnel...
Michelangelo: Wait, I have the greatest idea ever!
Raphael: Do we really want to hear this?
Michelangelo: It's secret, fortified, and no one would ever think to look for us there!
[cut to a pizza shop]

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Scion of the Shredder (#4.15)" (2006)
Karai: Your sons destroyed my father, now I will repay them in kind! I begged Leonardo to let him go! But, he would not listen to reason!
Splinter: It is you who has been blind to reason! Oroku Saki was a murderer! But, you will not allow yourself to see the truth!
Karai: I see clearly, rat! And you will pay for what you have done to me!
Splinter: I've reached out to you! I hoped that you would turn away from evil! But, I can see now that it has consumed you!

Splinter: You are faster than your father, I will give you that. But, your dark heart will betray you, just as his did.
Karai: You are not even worthy to speak of my father, rodent! I will silence your treacherous tongue once and for all!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Rise of the Turtles: Part 2 (#1.2)" (2012)
Splinter: I lost many things: my family, my home, my name. But I gained many things as well, like the four of you.

Splinter: I am impressed, Leonardo. You proved to be an effective leader under the most difficult circumstances.
Leonardo: Thank you, sensei. I think I know why you made me leader.
Splinter: Oh? And why is that?
Leonardo: Because you sensed in me a true warrior spirit, that could forge us all to the great heroes we're destined to become.
Splinter: No.
Leonardo: No? Then why did you make me leader?
Splinter: Because... you asked.
Leonardo: That's it? But you seemed so certain you were right.
Splinter: As a leader you will learn that there is no right and wrong, only choices.
Leonardo: So you could have chosen any of us?
Splinter: Yes.
Leonardo: Even Mikey?
Splinter: ...No, that would have been wrong.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Snakes Alive! (#6.13)" (1992)
Splinter: My inner vision tells me that Leonardo stumbled upon his greatest fear and lacks the courage to confront it. The lesson he must learn is that to conquer one's fears, one must face them, not run away.

Splinter: Only be confronting you fear can you be free of it.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Bishop's Gambit (#3.24)" (2005)
Agent Bishop: I've created life!
Splinter: Bishop, no one has the right to play God!
Agent Bishop: I am taking the necessary steps to defend the world! It is my duty!
Splinter: The world has enough monsters! It does not need yours!

Agent Bishop: Not only are these future members of the Earth Protection Force, but they are the new humanity. These clones are awaiting final DNA sequencing. By cellular acceleration, I can give birth to an army within 6 hours fully trained thanks to my advances in bio data transference and your DNA. I've uploaded complex survival tactics into this prototype.
Splinter: What you will do with them?
Agent Bishop: Mainstream them into the population, of course. We have aliens out there right now living amongst us. My Slayers will fare them all out.
Splinter: What if innocent people get fared out instead? What if errors are made?
Agent Bishop: Not my concern. I'm a bigger picture kind of guy. Besides, my calculations suggest that it would be beneficial if 57% of the Earth's population simply disappeared.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Noxious Avenger (#3.15)" (2015)
[the Turtles are caught on TV during a battle with Muckman]
Splinter: How could you all be so careless? Secrecy is the most important rule of a ninja! And you have broken it! You four are forbidden from leaving the lair!
Raphael: What? You can't hold that sloppy escape against us, we got slimed with toxic puke!
Splinter: Silence!
Donatello: But Sensei, if that pile of muck took us down, you know he's dangerous...
Leonardo: Which means we need to be out there looking for him!
Splinter: No! Until I decide I can watch you to trust yourselves, you will remain here, GROUNDED!
Raphael, Donatello, Leonardo, Michelangelo: Awww!
Michelangelo: [crawls towards the TV] Oh, yeah... Crognard marathon...
Splinter: And no TV!
[smashes the TV]

[last lines]
Raphael: See, Sensei? We're all cool!
Donatello: Everything's back to normal, nothing to worry about!
Michelangelo: So that means we can watch Crognard again, right?
Splinter: No! You are still grounded!
[knocks out the Turtles]

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: April's Fool (#3.11)" (1989)
Raphael: [noticing April arriving at the lair wearing a yellow ball gown, high heels, dimond earrings, a jeweled necklace, makeup, and her hair styled differently] Wow!, talk about embraceable! Who is that?
April O'Neil: Hi guys, it's me.
Donatello: Gosh April you look just like a... a girl!
Leonardo: You look lovely!
Michelangelo: Truly tubuloso!
Raphael: Yeah, you clean up real good!
Splinter: [also enamored] April, you make this ancient rodent feel young again
April O'Neil: Thanks guys! You're just a bunch of big green sweeties, and you're the nicest rodent I know! And now I'm off to the Malcurian Embassy to cover a fancy party!

Michelangelo: [interested in what Splinter is eating] Whoa what is that sensei?
Splinter: It is called tekka maki, raw tuna roll, have some Michelangelo
[offers it to Michelangelo]
Michelangelo: [disgusted] Whoa major gross out, no thanks!
Splinter: A wise person embraces as many new experiences as possible
Leonardo: [offers him some of their pizza] Master Splinter perhaps you would like to try some pizza?, it's marshmallow and pepperoni
Splinter: [disgusted] Uh, the wise person also realizes some experiences are less embraceable than others

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Gauntlet (#1.9)" (2012)
Splinter: What you know is dangerous to your enemy, what you think you know is dangerous to you.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Sky Turtles (#3.5)" (1989)
Splinter: Well Donatello how is the repair work on the satellite dish progressing?
Donatello: All finished master and it's as good as new
April O'Neil: Donatello you're wonderful, the dish is repaired and the city is saved!
[kisses him]
Raphael: [annoyed] Hey, hey, hey we had something to do with it too you know!
[April leans over to kiss him and Leonardo]
Michaelangelo: [interrupting her] Gang way dudes hot pizzas coming through!
April O'Neil: Are those for the victory celebration?
Michaelangelo: Heck no they're for me!
[starts to eat them]
Splinter: [scolding him] Michaelangelo what about your diet?
Michaelangelo: Master I spent the entire day being lighter than air, it was a total bummer!
[continues eating]

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Rogue in the House: Part 2 (#2.20)" (2004)
[last lines]
Baxter Stockman: [in the ocean] Once again Baxter Stockman has cheated death!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2007) (VG)
Splinter: I hope you kicked their butts!
Raphael: Er, Sensai?
Splinter: Well, they *were* robbing a toy store.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Turtles and the Hare (#4.27)" (1991)
Raphael: [Splinter takes away comic book] Come on, man, I'm at the most epic part.
Splinter: Man? Is that how you refer to me? What's next? Rat-faced dude guy?

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Lonely Mutation of Baxter Stockman (#2.16)" (2014)
Baxter Stockman: [now a fly] What am I? I am NOTHING ANYMORE! I'm a FREAK! I'll never be taken zzzseriously as a zzzscientist!

"Robot Chicken: Fridge Smell (#8.11)" (2016)
[Splinter educates the Turtles on turtle sexuality]
Donatello: Do I perform my mating dance before or after I sniff April's cloaca to dee if she's fertile?
Michelangelo: Aw, I already called dibs on April's cloaca!
Leonardo: Hey, I called dibs on her cloaca WAY before you called dibs on her cloaca!
Splinter: [smacks his sons] You are turtles! April is human! Your genitalia are not compatible!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Earth's Last Stand (#4.14)" (2016)
Splinter: I knew you were a snake, but stopping me from saving the world?
The Shredder: It is because of you that Karai is gone!

The Fight for the Fox Box (2003) (TV)
Michaelangelo: [in April O'Neil's shop; Donatello, Mikey, Raphael, April, and Splinter wait] Geez! None of us found Shredder's part of the code. I hope Leo has better luck.
Leonardo: [being thrown through a window into the shop] Aaah!
Donatello: Leo!
Raphael: Leo, what happened?
Leonardo: [hurt, dirty, and lying on the floor, Leo weakly lifts his head; the others gather around him] I... I got Shredder's part of the code. It's Five, E, three, K, Z.
[Foot Clan ninjas break in through the other windows. A fight ensues]
Shredder: [breaks down the door after the fight has gone on for a minute; everyone stops fighting] Fools! You may have stolen the Fox Box broadcast codes from me, but that is the last thing you will ever do! Say farewell to each other while you still can.
Michaelangelo: Oh yeah, Mister Spikey-Pants? Well, you're the one who should be saying farewell... to... uh, to yourself!
Raphael: Oh yeah, Mikey. That got him.
Shredder: Finish them off!
[more fighting ensues]
Splinter: My sons! Retreat!
[he and April pull Leonardo into a large walk-in closet; the other turtles follow them in and Mikey closes the door]
Shredder: Say goodbye to your precious Fox Box! And your worthless lives!
[he bars the closet door with a metal bar, sets of a bomb, and claws open a pipe near the door that spews out gas; as Mikey and Raphael try to open the door, a view from the street shows the shop exploding]

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Invasion of the Squirrelanoids (#2.2)" (2013)
Splinter: What is going on in here? I WAS in a deep meditative state, trying to block out your constant noise, and - Is that a chipmunk?
Leonardo: Yeah... Uh... It's a... a squirrel Sensei... A dangerous mutant squirrel that reproduces inside stomachs...
Splinter: I should have been in a deeper trance...

TMNT: Don vs Raph (2016)
Leonardo: Master Splinter, are you going to let this happen?
Splinter: Patience, Leonardo. Your brothers' pride will soon give way to understanding. A strong team values the diversity of each member. They will realize this. You'll see.
[Three hours later, the fight is still on]
Splinter: I'm going to bed!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Michelangelo Meets Bugman (#4.42)" (1990)
Michaelangelo: [Splinter takes away comic book] Come on, man, I'm at the most epic part.
Splinter: Man? Is that how you refer to me? What's next? Rat-faced dude guy?

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Invasion: Part 2 (#2.26)" (2014)
Splinter: Leatherhead, my thanks!
Leatherhead: Great Splinter, where are your sons?
Splinter: Lost in this madness. Will you help me find them?
Leatherhead: Anything for my friends!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Metalhead (#1.6)" (2012)
Donatello: With all due respect Sensei, I can't keep fighting alien technology with a 6-foot staff. I was hoping to upgrade my weapon.
Splinter: Hm... a 7-foot staff, interesting...
Donatello: No, I meant using modern technology.
Splinter: Ah, a solar-powered staff!
Donatello: I'm serious, sensei.
Splinter: I know. And yes, you may upgrade your weapon.
Donatello: That's totally unfair! You can't just... did you just say yes?

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Showdown: Part 1 (#1.25)" (2013)
Splinter: Look closely at this face, Shredder, for it will be THE LAST THING YOU EVER SEE!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Good, the Bad and Casey Jones (#2.8)" (2014)
[Raph viciously injures Leo in a sparring session]
Raphael: I... I didn't mean to hurt him! It was an accident! Seriously!
Leonardo: [dazed] Did you guys get the number of that bus?
Splinter: We have spoken about this time and again, Raphael. Anger is a dangerous ally. It clouds your judgment. You need to control it, lest it controls you.
Raphael: But Sensei, I wasn't angry! I was just... determined to win!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Showdown: Part 2 (#1.26)" (2013)
Splinter: Oroku Saki. You were once my friend. I thought of you as my brothers. 15 years ago, I was a different man. I had everything I could want: a loving wife and a beautiful daughter. And you, my loyal friend, jealousy consumed you. You sought that which was mine. You took everything that I loved. Everything! And still you hunt me down. So I fight you now... to end this!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mazes & Mutants (#2.15)" (2014)
Splinter: I can't understand why you play a fantasy game when your lives are already fantastic...

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Exodus: Part 1 (#3.25)" (2005)
Splinter: I will not fail you, my master... my father...

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Green with Jealousy (#3.21)" (1989)
[Leo, Raph and Mikey are in a fight]
Splinter: Stop! What is the meaning of this?
Donatello: They're in love, Master.
Splinter: That is good.
Donatello: With the same woman.
Splinter: That is not good!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Manhattan Project: Part 1 (#2.13)" (2014)
Splinter: The Cheese Phone! Truly an emergency!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Pizza by the Shred (#3.26)" (1989)
Splinter: The path that leads to what we truly desire is long and difficult, but only by following that path do we achieve our goal.
Michaelangelo: What? Follow a path? I guess he wants me to take a hike.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Shredder Triumphant (#7.14)" (1993)
[last lines]
Michelangelo: Well, compadres, they got away again.
Donatello: Yeah, but without the Technodrome, we won't have to worry about them.
Leonardo: I don't know, Donatello.
Splinter: They still have Krang's know-how and Shredder's cunning and Bebop and Rocksteady's strength. I'm certain we'll be hearing from them again... soon.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: It Came from Beneath the Sewers (#2.3)" (1988)
April O'Neil: [enters a warehouse] Uh, Turtles, are you here?
Shredder: [jumps out and grabs her] No, but I am!
April O'Neil: [frightened] Shredder!
Shredder: [drags her away] Baxter, where are your manners? Offer the young lady a seat
Baxter Stockman: Gladly, master.
Shredder: [shoves her onto the chair and chains her hands to it] Make yourself comfortable, Ms. O'Neil. You may be here a very long time!
Shredder: [digs through her purse and pulls out the turtle com] Aha!
April O'Neil: What are you doing?
Shredder: Making sure you don't get lonely.
[calls the turtles]

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Return of the Shredder (#2.1)" (1988)
Michaelangelo: [On TV, April winked at one of the turtles] Right on, babe.
Donatello: She was winking at me you know.
Michaelangelo: You're totally warped, dude. She was winking at me.
Raphael: Get real, you guys it was meant for yours truly.
Leonardo: I hate to argue, fellas, but I think she meant it for me.
April O'Neil: [They all argue] Cool it, fellas! If you must know, I was winking at Splinter.
Michaelangelo: I don't believe that!
Splinter: Age has its advantages.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Leonardo Is Missing (#6.12)" (1992)
Splinter: Next time you leave, Leonardo, make sure to leave a note.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Dragons Rising (#4.10)" (2005)
[card game]
Splinter: It is as the great Sage Sakamoto said, "Read them and weep!"
Casey Jones: No way! A royal flush?
Raphael: Aw, come on, Master Splinter, cut us a break!
Splinter: If one cannot afford to pay, one should not play. Suckers!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Enter: The Fly (#2.7)" (1988)
[Splinter has driven the Turtle Van into the junk yard and is fighting off the bad guys with it]
Raphael: Master! I thought you didn't know how to drive!
Splinter: It's remarkable what one can do when one is forced to!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Landlord of the Flies (#5.9)" (1991)
Baxter Stockman: Fire at will!
Bebop: Yeah!... Uh, which one's Will?
Rocksteady: I know there's a Leonardo, and a Raphael...
Baxter Stockman: Nevermind! Just fire at all of them!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Insane in the Membrane (#4.19)" (2006)
[first lines]
Baxter Stockman: Once, long ago, I, Dr. Baxter Stockman, was a whole man. With a brilliant mind and an able body! In the scientific community, I was unequalled! Throughout the world, I was renowned! But it all went wrong, horribly, horribly wrong. My genius fell under the control of cruel-minded brutes. They whittled me away, piece by piece, limb by limb, until I was reduced to almost nothing... But those simpletons aren't to blame. I finally know who's responsible for my downfall, and now, with my new body, I will finally have my revenge!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Cousin Sid (#4.1)" (2005)
[first lines]
Splinter: Life moves as the wheel of destiny turns, day to night, night to day. Our fight with the Shredder nearly cost us our lives. We are broken, battered, but alive. Our bodies will heal but I wonder: Do my sons carry other wounds not so easily overcome? I know with a great heaviness that there will always be some new threat to challenge us. I only pray my sons will be prepared to face it...

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Unconvincing Turtle Titan (#1.12)" (2003)
Splinter: [to Mikey] There are many paths, my son. You must choose the one that's true to yourself.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Shredder Strikes Back: Part 2 (#1.18)" (2003)
Splinter: In the hands of a true ninja master, anything is a weapon.

"Robot Chicken: Rodigitti (#2.8)" (2006)
Nurse: Hey, what're you doing?
Splinter: [looking up her skirt] Looking for Shredder. No, not here...

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Fallen Angel (#1.8)" (2003)
Splinter: Donatello, your Battle Shell is a marvel of engineering, a true testiment to your incredible mechanical skills... and I never want to see it in our home again!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: A Thing About Rats (#1.3)" (1987)
Michaelangelo: [interrogating Baxter Stockman] Do you want to clue us in on what this is?
[shows him a remote]
Baxter Stockman: It's the remote control for my Mousers.
Leonardo: Do you have anymore of these "Mousers"?
Baxter Stockman: No but the Shredder has, hundreds of them!
Leonardo: Where is the Shredder now?
Baxter Stockman: I'll never talk!
Raphael: You'd better or else I'm gonna get... sarcastic!
[smiles and holds his Sai to his face]
Baxter Stockman: He's in an old mansion on Green Street near Kent, he's got a master control for all the Mousers there!
[breathes a sigh of relief]
Raphael: See, nothing beats cunning wit!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Fungus Humungous (#2.10)" (2014)
Splinter: [to Leo] All leaders must face the fear of losing their team. I face this every time you and your brothers leave the lair.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Worlds Collide: Part 3 (#3.6)" (2004)
Splinter: You are outnumbered!
Agent Bishop: Perhaps, but never outclassed.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Tale of Master Yoshi (#4.22)" (2006)
Splinter: The fabric of fate weaves an endless interconnected pattern in which we are all just threads.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Invasion: Part 1 (#2.25)" (2014)
Kraang Sub-Prime: Have you now, you monstrous rat!
Splinter: Corner a rat, and see what happens!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The King (#1.16)" (2003)
[Donatello and Michelangelo gorge themselves on food]
April O'Neil: I feel like I just went from happy single to mother of four overnight.
Splinter: Tell me about it.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Exodus: Part 2 (#3.26)" (2005)
Leonardo: Is it really over?
Raphael: No more Shredder?
Splinter: Yes, my sons. My master Yoshi's spirit can finally rest in peace. The Shredder... is finished!
The Shredder: [marooned on an asteroid] NOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO! AAAAAAAAAAARGH!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Monkey Brains (#1.7)" (2012)
Donatello: I don't get it. How can one fight without thinking?
Splinter: You are extremely intelligent, Donatello, but you must learn to use the spaces between your thoughts. Observe
[attacks a headphone-wearing Mikey, who dodges everyone of his moves]
Splinter: See? Michelangelo doesn't think.
Michelangelo: Thank you!
Splinter: You're welcome.
Donatello: But Mikey has more spaces between his thoughts than I do.
Splinter: Yes, that is true.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Reality Check (#3.19)" (2005)
Sliver: Welcome, my sons.
Michelangelo: No, it can't be! Master Splinter? You guys told me he was gone!
Shellectro: No, we lost him. Lost him to evil.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Head of State (#6.22)" (2007)
Leonardo: Stockman, listen to me! No one knows better than us what a jerk Bishop's been in the past, but this is not the answer!
Baxter Stockman: Why not? He started all of this! He left me for dead! he owed me!
Leonardo: He owed a lot of people, Baxter, but he's been paying it back by changing the world. Bishop's work has actually united people of all races, earthlings and otherwise. I mean, even we could walk the streets in daylight, because in Bishop's world nobody is considered a monster based on how they look, only by how they act. Are you a monster or a man? Do you want to use your skills to destroy? Or, like Bishop, can you see a way to create something?