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Quotes for
Bert (Character)
from "Sesame Street" (1969)

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"The Muppet Show: Connie Stevens (#1.2)" (1977)
Ernie: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Gee, it's really great to be here. Right, Bert?
Bert: Ah, I guess so.
Ernie: Oh, what's wrong, Bert?
Bert: Well, I mean, I feel funny being here, this is a big TV variety show, you know?
Ernie: So?
Bert: I'm no performer.
Ernie: Oh, Bert. A suave, sophisticated showman like you, Bert?
Bert: Oh, sure, sure. I know you. You're gonna keep on saying I'm suave and sophisticated, and then when I start to believe it, then you're gonna say how pointy head I have, and how floppy arms I have, and how dull I am, I know you.
Ernie: Bert, you must admit, though, Bert, that the head up there is a little bit pointy, Bert. And you must admit that the arms are a little bit floppy and soggy, Bert. And Bert?
[pulls off Bert's nose]
Ernie: The nose is still loose Bert.
Bert: Cut that out!
Ernie: Oh, I'm sorry, Bert, here. There you go, Bert.
[puts Bert's nose back on his face]
Bert: See what I mean? I mean that old loose-nose joke is funny on Sesame Street, but this is big-time, Ernie. I mean they're expecting an act or something.
Ernie: Hey, Bert, wait a minute. You can do an act. All you need are the clothes Bert. Come over here, Bert! Step right here, Bert!
[Ernie dresses Bert up in a tuxedo]

Ernie: And here he is now, that suave and sophisticated showman. My old buddy Bert. Well Bert, what do you say?
Bert: Some Enchanted Evening.
Ernie: I beg your pardon, Bert?
Bert: You may see a stranger.
Ernie: What's going on here?
Bert: You may a stranger across a crowded room/And somehow you'll know, you know even then/That somewhere you'll see her again and again/Who can explain it? Who can tell you why?/Fools give you reasons/Wise men never try.
[Connie Stevens emerges and begins dancing with him]
Bert: Oh, Connie... Once you have found her never let her go/Once you have found her never let her go.

Bert: Ernie? Ernie, come here... did I just make a complete fool of myself?
Ernie: [patting Bert's shoulder] Absolutely, Bert.
Bert: Take me home. I feel terrible.

Follow That Bird (1985)
Bert: Whattaya see, Ernie?
Ernie: [points his binoculars at Bert's nose] Your nose, Bert.
[he laughs]
Bert: Ernie! Get serious, will ya? We're supposed to be looking for Big Bird.
Ernie: Right!

Bert: Ernie, I see him!
Ernie: See who, Bert?
Bert: See that yellow spot down there? It's Big Bird!
Ernie: Oh, yeah. That sure looks like a yellow spot, all right.

Bert: What do you see?
Ernie: Your nose, Bert.

The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland (1999)
Ernie: Come on Bert, what kind of movie has a sad ending?
Bert: Titanic. Titanic had a sad ending.

[first lines]
Ernie: [Ernie hums, then turns to the audience] Hi there everybody! Welcome to the movie. Hey, we're so glad you came. Now...
Bert: [Bert appears, wearing a bath towel and showering cap] Ernie, Ernie.
Ernie: Hm?
Bert: Listen, I'm going to take a shower. Have you seen my antibacterial soap?
Ernie: No, Bert, I haven't.
Bert: Oh, now where did I...?
Ernie: Now, this movie you're about to see is all about Elmo.
Bert: Who are you talking to?
Ernie: The audience, Bert. They're right there.
Bert: Huh?
[Bert walks up to the screen]
Ernie: See?
Bert: Wow, look at all those people!
Ernie: Mm-hmm.
Bert: Hey, nice cardigan!
[Bert laughs, sounding like a sheep baaing]
Ernie: Now, in this movie, Elmo is going to ask for your help. He wants you to talk and play along.
Bert: Uh, how do we start?
Ernie: It's easy: just count backwards from 10.
Bert: Okay.
Ernie: [Ernie whispers to Bert] You see, Bert, that's how you start a movie, Bert.
Bert: Ahh.
Ernie: Can you all help us count backwards from 10?
Kids in audience: Yeah!
Ernie: Ready? Yell real loud!
Ernie, Bert, Kids in audience: [the countdown sequence begins] 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

A Muppet Family Christmas (1987) (TV)
Ernie: Oh, hi there. Hey, we're Ernie and Bert.
Doc: Hi there yourself, I'm Doc.
Bert: Did you know that Doc starts with the letter "D"?
Doc: Why, yes.
Ernie: Yes! Yes starts with the letter "Y".
Doc: True.
Ernie: And true starts with the letter "T".
Doc: [chuckles] Hey, what is this?
Bert: Where we come from, this is small talk.
Doc: Well, whatever you day, nice to be meeting you, but I'd better go up and build some bunk beds.
Ernie, Bert: Bunk beds!
Ernie: B words.
[he and Bert laugh]

Bert: Ernie, why must you always humiliate me?
Ernie: C'mon, Bert. Somebody has to play MaMa, and you lost the toss.
Bert: Oh, well, just get it over with.

Don't Eat the Pictures: Sesame Street at the Metropolitan Museum of Art (1983) (TV)
[Bert and Ernie are looking at the painting of George Washington crossing the Delaware]
Ernie: You know what Bert, I bet George Washington caught a cold. He should have stayed home.
Bert: Do you think George Washington would stay in bed and open his Christmas presents?
Ernie: I don't know Bert.
Bert: No, sir, not the father of our country. He crossed the Delaware to New
[points west]
Bert: Jersey.
Ernie: Bert.
Bert: To New
[points west]
Bert: Jersey.
Ernie: If George Washington was going to New Jersey, why didn't he do what everybody does?
Bert: And what's that, Ernie?
Ernie: Take the George Washington Bridge, Bert.