Sam the Eagle
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Quotes for
Sam the Eagle (Character)
from "The Muppet Show" (1976)

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Muppets Most Wanted (2014)
Sam Eagle: [holding up a C.I.A. badge] C.I.A.
Jean Pierre Napoleon: [holding up an Interpol badge] Interpol.
Sam Eagle: This is my travel badge.
[holds up a larger C.I.A. badge]
Sam Eagle: Here's my real badge.
Jean Pierre Napoleon: You must have been looking at the wrong badge.
[opens up his coat and his shirt, revealing an enormous Interpol badge underneath; Sam then unwraps a gigantic C.I.A. badge]
Sam Eagle: You were saying?

Jean Pierre Napoleon: [about to interrogate Miss Piggy] Alors, I think it's time for good cop, romantic cop!
[flips table to reveal a candlelit dinner]
Jean Pierre Napoleon: Miss Piggy, you could end up locked inside! / Now's your chance to save your hide!
Miss Piggy: Gentlemen, I did not know / it's a crime to steal the show.
Sam Eagle: Tell us how the art was taken!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: If you want to save your bacon!
Miss Piggy: I haven't seen your missing art / All I've stolen is audience's hearts.
Sam Eagle: We can give you a plea deal!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: All you have to do is squeal!
Miss Piggy: I'm not a thief, I don't know how / All I've ever taken is a bow!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: We'll catch the swine that did this job!
Miss Piggy: Give up the pig puns, creep! Go jump in a lake, that's my suggestion!
Jean Pierre Napoleon, Sam Eagle: Thank you, Piggy, no more questions!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: [to Sam] I think she likes me.

Jean Pierre Napoleon: You know, eh, I think they did it.
Sam Eagle: No, they didn't!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: Yes, they did, and we can pin it.
Sam Eagle: If they did it, how did they do it?
Jean Pierre Napoleon: If they didn't, how did they didn't?
Sam Eagle: If they didn't, then it's easy, 'cause they simply didn't do it.
Jean Pierre Napoleon: If they didn't, then I knew it! And with nothing I can prove it!... Excuse me.

[as Jean-Pierre Napoleon bids goodbye, he starts blubbering]
Sam Eagle: Pull yourself together, man! Stop crying! We're only saying our final... farewell.
Sam Eagle: Goodbye... forever!
[embraces Jean-Pierre]
Sam Eagle: [crying] I am going to miss you, my French friend!

[singing, after interrogating the Muppets about the robberies]
Jean Pierre Napoleon: They didn't!
Sam Eagle: No they didn't!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: There's no way they did a crime!
Sam Eagle: They couldn't, they're too stupid!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: They're not criminal masterminds!
Sam Eagle: They may not know who did it, but we know they didn't do it!
Jean Pierre Napoleon, Sam Eagle: So we know who didn't do it, we know who didn't do it!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: They're incapable of being culpable!

Sam Eagle: Kermit, let's begin! / Describe the day you played Berlin!
Constantine: We rehearsed and then we walked about / We ate bratwurst and sauerkraut!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: That night at 10:03 / were you inside the portrait gallery?
Constantine: From 10:00 to 10:04 / was when we did the show encore!
Sam Eagle: Hmmm, frog, we've got our doubts / Can you confirm your whereabouts?
Constantine: My alibi is watertight / The audience saw me sing all night.
Jean Pierre Napoleon: Monsieur, we know you did the crime!
Constantine: I was on stage that whole time / Ask who sang "Rainbow Connection"!
Sam Eagle, Jean Pierre Napoleon: Thank you, Kermit! No more questions!

Fozzie Bear: I can do an Elvis impression!
Sam Eagle, Jean Pierre Napoleon: ...Thank you, Muppets! No more questions!

Jean Pierre Napoleon: Bring in the purple guy with the schnozz!
[Gonzo enters to be interrogated]
Sam Eagle: Do you remember what you did / on the night you played Madrid?
Gonzo: I was hit by a raging bull / and rushed off stage to the hospital!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: Gonzo, what do you know / about the sculpture thefts at Madrid's Prado?
Gonzo: I never saw the stolen busts / I spent the night in bed concussed.
Sam Eagle: The truth is, Gonzo, the clock is ticking.
Gonzo: If you don't believe me, ask the chicken! Camilla was there, she'll cooperate!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: Madame, are you willing to corroborate?
Camilla: Bawk bawk begawk, begawk gawk gawk!
Sam Eagle: Will someone get this chicken out of here?
Gonzo: Calm down, Camilla, it's a routine inspection!
Jean Pierre Napoleon, Sam Eagle: Thank you, Gonzo! No more questions!

Muppet*vision 3-D (1991)
Kermit the Frog: We will also see a rousing finale from Sam the Eagle. What's it called, Sam?
Sam the Eagle: It's called "A Salute to All Nations, But Mostly America".

Kermit the Frog: Sam, are you ready with that finale?
Sam the Eagle: It's a glorious three-hour finale!
Kermit the Frog: You got a minute and a half.

Sam the Eagle: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it is my honor to present to you... Mr. Mickey Mouse!
Rizzo the Rat: [singing to the tune of the Mickey Mouse Club March] Oh, Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da! Hi there, welcome to my park, how'ya doin'...
Sam the Eagle: Wait a minute! You are not Mickey Mouse! You are a rat!
Rizzo the Rat: Rat, schmat! Besides, they're tourists. What do they know?

Sam the Eagle: Will you stop this foolishness?
The Great Gonzo: What foolishness would you like to see?

Sam the Eagle: Upon entering the theater, please move as far to the end of the row as possible. Stopping in the middle is distinctly unpatriotic.

The Muppets (2011)
Sam Eagle: Hello.
Rowlf: Hello.
Link Hogthrob: Hello.
Beaker: Mee-Meep.
[sees an ax in his own hands, freaks out a bit while getting rid of it to grab a hairdryer]
Beaker: Mee-Meep.
Rowlf, Sam Eagle, Link Hogthrob, Beaker: Hello.

Rowlf: [singing] An Albino.
Sam Eagle: [singing] A Mosquito.
Beaker: [singing] Mee-mee-mee-mo.

Sam Eagle: This week on "Everything Stinks"...
[gets pulled away by a cane]

Sweetums: [picks up his phone] Hello?... You want to gives us money?
[turns to Sam]
Sam Eagle: Say "yes"!
Sweetums: [returns to the phone] Yes, We wiil take that money.

"The Muppet Show: Rudolf Nureyev (#2.13)" (1978)
Sam the American Eagle: Oh, to have the brilliant, talented Rudolf Nureyev on our show! He's my favorite opera singer.

Sam the American Eagle: Now, remember. When Mr. Nureyev arrives, we must be dignified, we must be respectful.
Rudolf Nureyev: [wearing street clothes] Hey, you guys. Here I am.
Sam the American Eagle: Not for long, you are not! We are waiting for Mr. Nureyev.
Kermit: Hey...
Sam the American Eagle: I'll handle this.
[pushes Rudolf out the door]
Sam the American Eagle: Get out of here, you freak! You hippie! You weirdo! Get out! Move, move! Get a hair cut! Who do these punk kids think they are?
Kermit: That one thinks he's Rudolf Nureyev.
Sam the American Eagle: What?
Kermit: I-In fact, that was Rudolf Nureyev.

Kermit: Thank you, thank you, thank you! Hi there and welcome to The Muppet Show!
Sam the American Eagle: You call THAT dignity?
Kermit: Uh, I'm sorry, Sam. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed an honor to welcome you to The Muppet Show.

"The Muppet Show: Alice Cooper (#3.7)" (1978)
Sam the American Eagle: Mr. Cooper.
Alice Cooper: [turns abruptly to face him, wearing much goth make-up] Yes?
Sam the American Eagle: Oh, good grief! Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty freako!
Alice Cooper: [smiling] Why, thank you!
Sam the American Eagle: Freakos: One. Civilization: Zero.

Sam the American Eagle: Mr. Cooper...
Alice Cooper: Yes?
[Sam loses composure for a second, then continues]
Sam the American Eagle: Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty, freako!
Alice Cooper: Why, thank you!
Sam the American Eagle: Freako's one, civilization zero.
[Alice licks finger, marks a score]

The Great Muppet Caper (1981)
Sam the Eagle: You are all WEIRDOS.

Sam the Eagle: It's times like these, I'm proud to be an American.

The Muppet Show: Sex and Violence (1975) (TV)
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: Can you believe this cat?
Sam The Eagle: I am not a cat, I am a bird.
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: You may be a bird, but you ain't the bird.

Sam The Eagle: Do we want an eighth deadly sin for the pageant?
Nigel: Which one?
Sam The Eagle: [Into phone] Who's your eight?
[To Nigel]
Sam The Eagle: Wearing funny pants to a funeral.

The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
Sam the Eagle: Tomorrow, you become a man of business!
Young Scrooge: I'm looking forward to it, Headmaster.
Sam the Eagle: Mm, you will love business. It is the AMERICAN WAY!
Gonzo: [whispers] Sam...
[whispers in Sam's ear]
Sam the Eagle: Oh... It is the BRITISH WAY!
Young Scrooge: Yes, headmaster.

Sam the Eagle: Work hard, lad, and one day, your life will be as solid as this very building!
[the shelf collapses behind him]
Sam the Eagle: Huh. I've been meaning to fix that shelf!

"The Muppets.: Pig Girls Don't Cry (#1.1)" (2015)
Kermit the Frog: My life is a bacon-wrapped hell on earth!
Sam the Eagle: Can't say "hell".

It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie (2002) (TV)
Sam the Eagle: It seems the words on my mug are right: "It is hard to soar with Eagles when you work with Turkeys."

"The Muppet Show: Candice Bergen (#1.15)" (1976)
Candice Bergen: She was so unsophisticated, she thought Marcello Mastroianni was an Italian soup.
[entire panel laughs hysterically except for Sam]
Sam the American Eagle: You mean it isn't an Italian soup?
Mildred: And he calls himself a world traveler?
Sam the American Eagle: No, now wait, I have been to restaurants where I've ordered Marcello Mastroianni, and I've gotten it.
Candice Bergen: Really? What did you get?
Sam the American Eagle: A swarthy, good-looking man sitting in a bowl. I always send him back.
Candice Bergen: What do you get when you order a Russian dressing? Rudolf Nureyev putting on his tights?

"The Muppet Show: James Coco (#3.12)" (1978)
Sam the American Eagle: Ah, Beethoven. Finally! Well, for Beethoven I will stay. He's my favorite playwright.

Muppets Party Cruise (2003) (VG)
Kermit the Frog: Look everybody! The pictures from our cruise are ready. I've made a really cool photo album too.
[Kermit opens the photo book and looks at the pictures]
Pepe the King Prawn: Ah. Adventure on the high seas already.
The Great Gonzo: The food the cannons.
Miss Piggy: Oh, the shopping.
Sam the Eagle: May I interject something?
Kermit the Frog: So many good times. Hey look here's when Animal ran right off the boat to catch his puck.
[Then a close up picture shows Animal right before falling in the water]
Animal: Water!
Fozzie Bear: Now that was funny!
Kermit the Frog: Yeah. Those are the things I'd really like to remember.
Miss Piggy: You mean our moonlit walks on the deck Kermit?
[Kermit quickly turns the pages of the album book]
Kermit the Frog: Uh, Yeah sure sure. Those were nice too Piggy. But I was talking about playing those terrific games. You know just look at that tomato huh.
[Then another close up picture shows Gonzo and Animal as the tomato is thrown]
Miss Piggy: Sigh. It seems like only yesterday.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: It was only yesterday. But, we can enjoy the memories immediately thanks to Muppet labs instantaneously photo presses.
Animal: Press! Press!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Indeed. And coming soon, the Muppet labs pre processor. Imagine being able to getting your photos before you've taken them.
Sam the Eagle: May I interject something?
Kermit the Frog: Remember how excited we were on that first day?
Fozzie Bear: First class, all the way!

"The Muppet Show: Nancy Walker (#2.6)" (1977)
Sam the American Eagle: I would just like to say a few words about nudity in the world today. And I, for one, am just appalled by it. Why, did you know that underneath their clothing, the entire population of the world is walking around completely naked? Hmm? Is that disgusting? And it's not just people, although, goodness knows, that's bad enough, but animals too. Even cute little doggies and pussycats can't be trusted. Underneath their fur, absolutely naked! And it's not just the quadripeds, neither. Birds too. Yeah! Beneath those fine feathers, birds wear nothing. Nothing at all! Abs...
[realizes and walks off, covering himself]

"The Muppet Show: Elton John (#2.14)" (1978)
Sam the American Eagle: Kermit, about this Elton John.
Kermit: Yeah?
Sam the American Eagle: I have seen some pretty WEIRD guests on this show, but this Elton John borders on the revolutionary!
Kermit: Sam, Elton John is a very important musician.
Sam the American Eagle: Then why does he dress like a stolen car?

"The Muppet Show: Bernadette Peters (#2.12)" (1977)
Sam The Eagle: [Sam has concluded telling the story of the Ant and The Grasshopper where the Ant got stepped on and the Grasshopper drove to Florida] Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait that was not in the script. Someone changed it we'll have to do it again oh.
[Sam puts head down on the book]
Statler: The Grasshopper drove to Florida.
Waldorf: The Ant got stepped on.
[They both laugh and Sam pops in to yell at them]
Sam The Eagle: [Angry] Will you stop that?
[Sam leaves]
Waldorf: Why are they picking on us tonight?

The Muppet Movie (1979)
Sam the Eagle: Kermit, does this film have socially redeeming value?

A Muppet Family Christmas (1987) (TV)
Doc: Careful, Sprocket. These may be from some foreign planet.
Emily 'Ma' Bear: Actually, they're from television. I recognize Fozzie's weirdo friends.
Dr. Teeth: Yeah, and we're proud of it, too!
Sam the Eagle: Why am I here?

"The Muppet Show: Zero Mostel (#2.2)" (1977)
Sam the Eagle: Excuse me, Mr. Mostel.
Zero Mostel: Yes?
Sam the Eagle: I am Sam the Eagle.
Zero Mostel: I am glad to know you.
Sam the Eagle: Yes, glad to know you. I am the upholder of decency and dignity for this show.
Zero Mostel: Are you really?
Sam the Eagle: Yes.
[behind Sam, Zero mocks him, though Sam doesn't know it]
Sam the Eagle: I believe this program is trivial and not fit for family viewing.
[looks behind him and sees Zero not mocking him anymore]
Sam the Eagle: It is disgracefully lacking in culture.
Zero Mostel: [mockingly] It is disgracefully lacking in culture.
Sam the Eagle: Hmm, I'm glad you agree with me. Yes.
[Zero takes a hammer and raises it over Sam's head]
Sam the Eagle: I personally have always felt that this program...
[looks at Zero again, who drops hammer behind]
Sam the Eagle: ... must... must, I say, be cleansed of all nonsense...
[Zero now takes a gun and aims it at Sam]
Sam the Eagle: ... and silliness!
[looks at Zero once more, who puts gun in his own mouth]
Sam the Eagle: Don't you agree with me, sir?
Zero Mostel: [taking a glass of water and pouring it out] Of course! It must be cleansed!
Sam the Eagle: Now, it seems to me that you and I...
[behind Sam, Zero continues to mock him]
Sam the Eagle: ... think alike.
[looks at Zero again, who stops mocking him]
Sam the Eagle: True?
Zero Mostel: True.
Sam the Eagle: A pleasure talking to you, sir. A man of dignity.
[walks off]
Zero Mostel: [mockingly] Dignity! Always dignity! Dignity, dignity!
[mimics squawking like an eagle]

The Muppets Go to the Movies (1981) (TV)
Sam the Eagle: [translating Gummo Bergman's "Silent Strawberries"] Ah, well, since you do not wish death, then how about a rubber chicken?