Ebenezer Scrooge
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Quotes for
Ebenezer Scrooge (Character)
from A Christmas Carol (1910)

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Scrooged (1988)
Lew Hayward: I was a captain of industry; feared by men, adored by women.
Frank Cross: Adored! Come on, let's be honest, Lew. You *paid* for the women!

Frank Cross: I want to see her nipples.
Censor Lady: But this is a CHRISTMAS show.
Frank Cross: Well, I'm sure Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples.
Carpenter: You can barely see them nipples.
Frank Cross: See? And these guys are REALLY looking.

Ghost of Christmas Past: Let's face it, Frank. Garden slugs got more out of life than you.
Frank Cross: Yeah? Name one!

Frank Cross: I never liked a girl well enough to give her twelve sharp knives.

[Frank is confronted by the ghost of his old boss]
Frank Cross: No, you are a hallucination brought on by alcohol... Russian vodka poisoned by Chernobyl!

James Cross: You know what they say about people who treat other people bad on the way up?
Frank Cross: Yeah, you get to treat 'em bad on the way back down too. It's great, you get two chances to rough 'em up.

[Props man tries to attach antlers to a mouse]
Props man: I can't get the antlers glued to this little guy. We tried Crazy Glue, but it don't work.
Frank Cross: Did you try staples?

Frank Cross: The bitch hit me with a toaster!

Ghost of Christmas Present: [repeating the question] On the "Addams Family", what instrument did Lurch play?
Frank Cross: I may be invisible, but I am *not deaf!*

Frank Cross: Hey. Are you glad to see me, or is this a shotgun in your pocket?
[toss gun away; it fires]
Frank Cross: All right, you've heard it. How's this for a deal? I hire you back, pay you twice your original salary, and offer you a vice president position. Would you like my office?
Elliot: No, I don't like your office.
Frank Cross: That's SO YOU!
Elliot: What's the catch?
Frank Cross: The catch...
Frank Cross: ...is that you need to shower, little man. You are RIPE! Whoo!

Frank Cross: Quick! What time is it?
Elliot: Somebody stole my watch!

Herman: Boy, that Dick sure knows how to drink, huh?
Frank Cross: Why do you keep calling me "Dick"?
Herman: I'm sorry, Mr. Burton, I guess we don't know you well enough yet to call you Dick.

Frank Cross: The Jews taught me this great word: Schmuck. I was a schmuck, and now I'm not a schmuck!

Frank Cross: I'm gonna give you a little advice, Claire... Scrape 'em off. You wanna save somebody? Save yourself!
Claire Phillips: Oh, well, that's a really nice attitude on Christmas Eve!
Frank Cross: Bah, humbug.

Frank Cross: I get it. You're taking me back in time to show me my mother and father, and I'm supposed to get all goosey and blubbery. Well, forget it, pal, you got the wrong guy!
Ghost of Christmas Past: That's exactly what Attila the Hun said. But when he saw his mother... Niagara Falls!

Frank Cross: Grace, put yourself down for a towel, too.
Grace: What about my bonus?
Frank Cross: Towel and a facecloth.

Frank Cross: Would you please hold the goddamn hammering, now!

Frank Cross: You've got a promo featuring America's favorite old fart reading a book in front of a fireplace! Now I have to kill all of you!

[Frank notices a picture of Santa and Mrs. Claus on the wall]
Frank Cross: Grace, what in the hell is this?
Grace: Oh, it's a painting, one of my kids did. See, there's Santa Claus and there's Mrs. Claus.
Frank Cross: Honey, how many fingers does Mrs. Santa Claus have here?
Grace: Eleven.
Frank Cross: Eleven. Right.
[rips it down]
Frank Cross: It's crap. Lose it. I don't want it on the wall.
[tosses it in the wastebasket]

[Elliot points a shotgun right in Frank's face]
Elliot: Hello, wabbit!
Frank Cross: Could you give me a head start?
Elliot: Sure. One thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three!
[he fires]

Frank Cross: Get me Standards and Practices in here. I want to see wreaths!

Frank Cross: Do you think I'm way off base here?
Elliot: Yes. You're, well, you're a tad off base, sir. That thing looked like The Manson Family Christmas Special!

Frank Cross: It's Christmas Eve! It's... it's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we... we... we smile a little easier, we... w-w-we... we... we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be!

Frank Cross: Claire, the whole world. Whole world, Claire.

[Ghost of Christmas Past takes Frank to 1955]
Frank Cross: Where are we?
Ghost of Christmas Past: Where are we? You mean, "When are we?"

Frank Cross: [to the abstract/impressionist portrait on the wall] Mother... help me.

Frank Cross: I'm alive! Yes! I'm *alive*!
Elliot: [aims a shotgun at Frank] Not for long!

Frank Cross: You're staying here with me. We're working late.
Grace: But I have to take my son to the doctor.
Frank Cross: GRACE! When I work late, YOU work late!
Grace: But I made the appointment two months ago!
Frank Cross: [Inconsiderately] I DON'T CARE!
Frank Cross: [grabbing Grace]
Frank Cross: We're indivisible. If I'm working late, you GOTTA work late! If you can't work late, I can't work late! If I can't work late, I CAN'T WORK LATE!

Ghost of Christmas Present: Close your eyes...! And think of snowflakes and moonbeams and whiskers on kittens...
[She notices Frank peeking and goes to jab his eys with two fingers]
Ghost of Christmas Present: Nooooo peeking!
[Frank blocks the jab and closes his eyes]
Ghost of Christmas Present: Of rainbows, forget-me-nots... of misty meadows and sun-dappled pools. Oh, look! There's Mr Hedgehog. I wonder where he's going? Perhaps to HARLEM!
[She punches Frank]
Frank Cross: My jaw!
Ghost of Christmas Present: Sometimes the truth is painful, Frank.
[She slaps his face]
Ghost of Christmas Present: But it's made your cheeks rosy and your eyes bright!
Frank Cross: If you TOUCH ME AGAlN, I'll rip your goddamned wings off! Okay?

Frank Cross: [Screams and accidentally hits Grace] Oh God! Oh God! Grace, go watch the show! He's here for me! Come on! Come on! Give it to me!
[falls to knees]
Frank Cross: You think I'm afraid of you, the day I've had? I know what you came for. Come and get it, you pussy.
Fake Ghost of Christmas Future: Brice!
Brice Cummings: [Getting the Fake Ghost away from Frank, who's obviously been scared by him] Stop scaring Frank. Get this nutcake out.

Ghost of Christmas Past: You left Claire for Frisbee the dog? Frank, let me sum this up for you: you don't know who you are, you don't know what you want, and you don't know what the hell is going on!
Frank Cross: I've made a few mistakes. I gotta live with that. But I do know who I am, I know what I want, and I know what's going on!
Ghost of Christmas Past: [the Ghost has disappeared into a monitor, and whistles to get his attention] Hey, Frank! Up here!
Frank Cross: What's going on?
Ghost of Christmas Past: How should I know? I'm just the ghost! So long, sucker!

Frank Cross: Same old Claire... still trying to save the world.
Claire Phillips: You still trying to run it?

Frank Cross: We're gonna need champagne for 250 people, and send the stuff that you send to me. Don't send the stuff that I send to other people.

[after pouring a bucket of water on a waiter he thought was on fire]
Frank Cross: I'm sorry. You know I thought you were Richard Pryor!

Claire Phillips: Why are you so angry?
Frank Cross: Why haven't you learned how to button a coat?

Frank Cross: Would you *please*, for the love of *god*, and your own body!, stop the damn hammering?

Frank Cross: I am the youngest president in the history of television for a reason: I know the people.
Elliot: Well, uh... granted but the people already wanna watch the show.
Frank Cross: [a pause; shouting] That isn't good enough! They have got to be so scared to miss it! So terrified!
[Quieter tone]
Frank Cross: Now if I were in charge, and I am.
[laughs. IBC Executive laughs along with him but Frank looks at him and he shuts up]
Frank Cross: Perhaps I can help you. Here's the kind of thing I would have done. Grace, cue it up.
[Frank stands in front of the screens. Thunder sounds and ominous music start playing]
Scrooge Promo Announcer: Acid rain.
[Images and sounds of people screaming; Frank makes a screaming face]
Scrooge Promo Announcer: Drug addictions.
[Shows a guy groaning and shooting up on heroin. Scene changes to a jet taking off]
Scrooge Promo Announcer: International terrorism.
[Jet blows up in midair. Scene changes to a guy pulling a shotgun out of a car]
Scrooge Promo Announcer: Freeway killers.
[Guy with shotgun fires]
Scrooge Promo Announcer: Now more than ever...
Frank Cross: [Speaking along with announcer] It is important to remember the true meaning of Christmas.
Scrooge Promo Announcer: Don't miss Charles Dickens' immortal classic Scrooge. Your life...
Frank Cross: [Speaking along with announcer] ... might just depend on it.
[Promo holds on the image of a nuclear explosion. Frank takes a sip of coffee and looks at the executives]
Frank Cross: Not bad, huh?

Frank Cross: There are people who are having trouble making their miracle happen; there are people who don't have enough to eat, there are people who are cold, you can go out and say hello to these people. You can take an old blanket out of the closet and go to them and say 'Here!', you can make them a sandwich and say 'oh by the way, here!'

Frank Cross: It's not too late on Christmas Eve to have fun, you can call an old college roommate, call, you know an old army buddy, call your personal banker. HEY! I don't hear any partying in that booth, Elliot!
Elliot: Great!
[fires shotgun, silent pause down below on the set]
Elliot: You heard him, party!
Frank Cross: Now why wasn't I invited?
Elliot: Now that was just an innocent window and you saw what I did to that! Ugh! You don't know who you're dealing with!
Frank Cross: It's a night, you gotta party hardy Marty!

Frank Cross: I get it now! Then if you GIVE, then it can happen, then the miracle can happen to you! It's not just the poor and the hungry, it's everybody's who's GOT to have this miracle! And it can happen tonight for all of you. If you believe in this spirit thing, the miracle will happen and then you'll want it to happen again tomorrow. You won't be one of these bastards who says 'Christmas is once a year and it's a fraud', it's NOT! It can happen every day, you've just got to want that feeling. And if you like it and you want it, you'll get greedy for it! You'll want it every day of your life and it can happen to you. I believe in it now! I believe it's going to happen to me now! I'm ready for it! And it's great! It's a good feeling, it's really better than I've felt in a long time. I, I, I'm ready. Have a Merry Christmas, everybody.
[Calvin steps forward]
Frank Cross: Did I forget something big man?
Calvin Cooley: [nods, speaks his first words in five years] God bless us, everyone!

Frank Cross: [about Calvin] He's a bright little guy. What's wrong with him?
Ghost of Christmas Present: He hasn't spoken since he saw his father killed five years ago. He just drifted away, like Sleeping Beauty.
Frank Cross: I didn't know Grace's husband died.
Ghost of Christmas Present: Oh Frank, don't you remember the time she wore black for a year?
Frank Cross: I remember her wearing black... I thought it was a fashion thing. Everybody was wearing black!
Ghost of Christmas Present: Oh Frank.
Frank Cross: Well, is he going to be okay?
Ghost of Christmas Present: It's his choice, only he can break the spell.

[In the Ghost of Christmas Future funeral scene, we see Frank, hysterically terrified, banging inside around the coffin, trying to escape and make things right for himself before he is doomed for cremation. It is then that, in the next scene, the elevator doors open]
Frank Cross: [Screaming; banging on the elevator doors as they open] I wanna live!
[Frank is back at the IBC Television Network headquarters office floor, revealing that his doomed future has all been a hallucination]
Frank Cross: [Sceams] I'M ALIVE!
[Hallelujah Chorus plays]
Frank Cross: [relieved] Holy shit, what a break! I'm at work!
[Glances at the network's sun image as Eliot holds a shotgun at Frank]
Frank Cross: Oh, God, it's the sun! I never thought I'd see the sun again. I'm alive!
Elliot: [enraged] Not for long!
Frank Cross: [cheerful] Milkman! Ha!
[Frank hugs and kisses Eliot]
Frank Cross: I'm the Woodstock, baby! I'm gonna start with you.
[kisses Eliot again, this time on the lips]
Frank Cross: You're one of my favorites. Come here! I'm alive and so are you!
[still excited and full of joy]
Frank Cross: Hey! Are you glad to see me, or is this a shotgun in your pocket?
[Frank takes the shotgun, then drops it, causing it to fire a shot]
Frank Cross: Okay, you've heard it. Come on!
[shoves Eliot to the elevators]
Frank Cross: Great!
Elliot: [frightened] Don't hurt me!
Frank Cross: [holds out his right hand for a low five] Real alive! Pink slide!
[Eliot slaps on it... ]
Frank Cross: Coming back!
[then Frank slaps Eliot's hand... ]
Frank Cross: Long sole!
[while Eliot slaps Frank's shoe sole]
Frank Cross: You know this one?
[lifts Eliot's shirt and blows a raspberry nuzzle into his bellybutton]
Frank Cross: That's my thing. I'm gonna do this to everybody.
[blows a raspberry again; Eliot laughs]
Frank Cross: All right, here's the deal.
[spins himself and Eliot around]
Frank Cross: I'll hire you back, twice your original salary, and make you my Vice-President in charge of Programming, and I'll give an office up here. Would you like my office?
Elliot: No, I don't like your office.
Frank Cross: Ha, ha, ha!
[lets Eliot go]
Frank Cross: That's so you!
Elliot: What's the catch?
Frank Cross: The catch, is that you gotta take a shower, little man. You are ripe! Whoa!
Elliot: [confused] There's a problem here. I was looking for a Francis Xavier Cross.
Frank Cross: That's me! But the great thing is, it's not me! The Jews taught me this great word: Schmuck. I was a schmuck, and now... I'm not a schmuck.
[grabs Eliot's neck with his arm]
Frank Cross: Wait a minute. What time is it?
Elliot: Somebody store my watch.
Frank Cross: A quarter to! We didn't miss it! Ha, ha!
[playfully punches on Eliot's chest]
Frank Cross: We didn't miss it!
Elliot: Missed what?
Frank Cross: Christmas! Merry Christmas!
[throws Eliot into the elevator]
Frank Cross: Wah-hoo! Are you alone in there? We're gonna have some fun. You and I are gonna have some fun for once in this life, Loudermilk & Cross together.

DuckTales the Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp (1990)
Huey, Dewey, Louie: Faster, Launch Pad, faster!
Scrooge McDuck: Slower, Launch Pad, slower!

Scrooge McDuck: Launchpad! Look what you've done to these ancient ruins!
Launchpad: Well, it could've been worse - it could've been something *new*.

Duckworth: It's your ride, sir. Or should I say my ride?
Scrooge McDuck: Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss this for all the scones in Scotland!

Genie: Do you have to yell at me all the time?
Scrooge McDuck: If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be in this mess. Thanks to you, I've got this crazy animal act on my tail.
Genie: That's it, blame the genie. I only saved your life.

Genie: I don't hear anything. I think they're gone.
Scrooge McDuck: Where are we?
Genie: Well, it's not exactly the Ritz...
Scrooge McDuck: Not the lamp?
Genie: I'm sorry about the mess. But you'll get used to it after a couple of thousand years. Could you move your elbow, please?
Scrooge McDuck: GET ME OUT OF HERE!

Mrs. Beakley: It's in here, Mr. McDuck!
Mrs. Beakley: It's gone!
Scrooge McDuck: Mrs. Beakley, is this a ploy to get some vacation time?
Mrs. Beakley: It was here! Honest! An elephant, wearing a big pink bow!... You think I'm crazy, don't you?
Scrooge McDuck: [sees a chair moving away] Maybe not.

Launchpad: Forward, ho!
[They crash]
Launchpad: Reverse, ho!
Scrooge McDuck: If you don't stop crashing, I'll give you the heave ho!

Huey: This is Geni... Gene, yeah, Gene.
Scrooge McDuck: You're new around here?
Genie: Yeah, kinda. I pretty much pop up every now and then.

[Upon Merlock's arrival, a bear's claw comes smashing through the door]
Scrooge McDuck: He's got a bear?
Genie: He IS the bear!

Genie: What's more important - a fortune or your life?
Scrooge McDuck: [thinking] Well...
Genie: Hey! It's not exactly a trick question.

[during Launchpad's flight in the opening scene]
Scrooge McDuck: Launchpad, is this a stunt you learned in flight school?
Launchpad: Flight school?
Scrooge McDuck: You mean you *never* took flying lessons?
Launchpad: [lunkishly] Well, I took a crash course.
Scrooge McDuck: Now he tells me.

Scrooge McDuck: I cannot work, Mrs. Featherby. I'm going home.
Mrs. Featherby: But... wh-what about your lunch?
Scrooge McDuck: Sell it!
[slams door]

[last lines]
[Dijon makes his escape from Scrooge, his pants loaded to beyond capacity with what he could carry from the money bin]
Scrooge McDuck: Somebody stop those pants!

Scrooge McDuck: Since when does a hat have a mind of its own?

Huey: Do you think it might have the treasure of Collie Baba and his 40 theives?
Scrooge McDuck: After all this time, I'm not getting my hopes up.

Launchpad: Please put your seats back in an upright position.
Scrooge McDuck: Just put the plane up in an upright position!

Louie: [Scrooge has opened a chest stolen by Collie Baba and discovers it to be full of clothes] He stole clothes?
Scrooge McDuck: Ah, nothing but old robes. 40 years of searching, and all I end up with is Collie Baba's dirty laundry!
Webby: Well, at least the box is pretty, Uncle Scrooge.

Huey: Can't he stay with us, Uncle Scrooge?
Dewey: Yeah.
Scrooge McDuck: Oh no! I'm not letting this wee gold mine out of my sight!
Dewey: But he's our friend.
Scrooge McDuck: Nonsense! A genie's not a person! A genie is a-a-a... a thing!
[holds up lamp]
Scrooge McDuck: Inside.
Genie: Bye, guys. It was great while it lasted.

Dewey: Webby! What did you do this time?
Webby: I'm sorry. Just make them stop!
Louie: But I've only got one wish left!
Scrooge McDuck: Boys! What is going on?
Huey: Uh-oh. Looks like the jig is up. Go ahead, Louie.

Louie: Where are you going to keep all this treasure, Uncle Scrooge?
Scrooge McDuck: I won't keep it all, Louie. Most of these artifacts will go to museums.
Louie: That doesn't sound like Uncle Scrooge.
Scrooge McDuck: That way, I can enjoy a healthy tax break!
Huey: That does!

Scrooge McDuck: I can wish for the world's biggest diamond... no, the biggest diamond mine... no, no, all the diamond mines... no, the entire mining industry! I can see why this can take some careful thought.

Genie: Music! Food! Guacamole! It's a party! Gotta boogie! Gotta Bingo! I gotta get out of this lamp!
Scrooge McDuck: Can you keep quiet at all?
Genie: If you let me out, I'll be as quiet as a mouse and just as small.
Scrooge McDuck: Oh, all right!
[lets the genie out]
Genie: Hey! Look at that! A couple of single guys out on the town!
Scrooge McDuck: Guess again.
[puts genie in a little plant]
Scrooge McDuck: You can watch the ball from here. Otherwise, you go back in the lamp.
Genie: But what if I win the door prize?

Genie: It's not my fault Merlock's after me. I don't just want to be Mr. Popularity. All I wanted was a life of my own... like your nephews. My own bike, stack of comic books, a sled, maybe some ski equipment, a CD player, my own home video entertainment system...
Scrooge McDuck: All right! All right!

Dijon: Good morning, Scrooge sir.
Scrooge McDuck: What's going on?
Dijon: At the urging of MY Genie, I have decided to seek my fortune.
Genie: I-I never thought he'd wish for your fortune, Mr. McDuck, I swear!
Scrooge McDuck: [looks at his lamp] But th-the lamp?
[he sniffs the lamp, and gravy dumps out]
Scrooge McDuck: Gravy?
Dijon: [holds up the real lamp] That's right! I get the loot, you get the boot!

Scrooge McDuck: Wiped out with a wish. If I ever get my money back, I promise I'll never make another wish for myself again.

Louie: At least we still have each other. Think of poor Genie.
Dewey: If only there was a way we could sneak in and get back the lamp.
Huey: But there are so many alarms.
Scrooge McDuck: Aye, hundreds... and 14, 657 ways to trigger them.
Dewey: And you know each and every one, don't you, Uncle Scrooge?
Scrooge McDuck: Aye.
Louie: Maybe the way to shut them off?
Scrooge McDuck: Aye! Come lads! Something tells me we should plan a full-scale invasion!

Scrooge McDuck: Genie, get ready to grant my last wish... and yours too. I wish... the genie... would turn into... a real boy.

Genie: How can I ever thank you, Master?
Scrooge McDuck: I'm not your master anymore!
Genie: That's right! Can I call you "Uncle Scrooge"?
Scrooge McDuck: You're a sweet kid, but don't press your luck.
Dewey: So, what do you want to do as your first day as a boy?
Genie: Well, let me put it this way... you'll never catch me, coppers!
Huey: Quackarooney!
Louie: Oh boy!
Dewey: I'm gonna get you!
Webby: Are you coming with us, Uncle Scrooge?
Scrooge McDuck: You go ahead, Webby dear. We quad-zillionaires have our own ideas of fun.

Genie: Oh no! It's Merlock! Hide me! Hide me!
Scrooge McDuck: I've got to get you to my vault. It's the only safe place. Time to go back.
Genie: But you saw what a dump it is.
Scrooge McDuck: Sorry, Genie, but the party's over.
Genie: [sighs] And just when we were getting to be buddies.

Scrooge McDuck: Dijon!
Dijon: [about to grab the lamp, but quickly stops] What? What? I am not touching a thing! I am clean! Innocent like a little baby goat! Yes.
Scrooge McDuck: Go get our sacks.
Dijon: Sacks? Oh, yes, sacks! Right away. Anything you say, Scrooge, sir. I do for you.

Mrs. Featherby: Duckburg Daily News on line one, sir.
Scrooge McDuck: For what?
Mrs. Featherby: I believe they want to ask what happened to the treasure.
Scrooge McDuck: [picks up the phone and shouts into it] None of your business!
[slams the phone]

Mrs. Featherby: You've finally received your invitation to the Archaeological Society ball.
Scrooge McDuck: Ah! How can I face those old fossils again? Every year, I tell them, "I'll find Collie Baba's treasure," and every time, I come back empty-handed.
Mrs. Featherby: But you did have it for a little while.
Scrooge McDuck: Does *everyone* have to remind me?
Mrs. Featherby: Sorry.

Scrooge McDuck: Blow me bagpipes! He's a genie!
Mrs. Beakley: Does his mother know about this?

Scrooge McDuck: Launchpad, get me out of here fast!
Launchpad: Dull party, eh, Mr. McD?
Scrooge McDuck: Just go!

Scrooge McDuck: You maniac! Return the bin before I stuff that lamp down your throat!
Genie: Uh-uh! Bad move! Bad!
Merlock: You threaten me?
Genie: [runs to Merlock] Please, Merlock. He's had a lousy day. Maybe a hot bath and a warm glass of goats milk oughta do...
Merlock: [shouts] Silence! I wish you to cast him out of my house!
Genie: No! No! I can't!
Merlock: [shouts] Do it
[he points the lamp at Genie causing him to spin around]
Genie: [in pain] I have no choice!
Scrooge McDuck: I... I understand.

Mrs. Beakley: Children, I think your uncle has something to say to you.
Scrooge McDuck: Aye... Welcome home! Can I get you and Gene anything? Cookies? Milk? Ice cream?
Huey: Oh, no thank you, Uncle Scrooge.
Louie: Yeah, we're kind of full.
Webby: And sleepy.
Scrooge McDuck: That's because it's past your bedtime. Now, scoot along, little ones.
Huey, Dewey, Louie, Webby: Good night, Uncle Scrooge.
Genie: Nighty-night.
Scrooge McDuck: Sleep tight.
Duckworth: That's telling them, Sir.

Duckworth: Oh dear, Launchpad isn't answering. He must be on his way. Won't you go, sir?
Scrooge McDuck: Aye, to work! Tell Launchpad he can take YOU to the ball!

Scrooge McDuck: Don't bother landing! I don't have time for any more disasters!

Scrooge McDuck: I told you, I'm not going to the ball!
Duckworth: But sir, I've already arranged for Launchpad to take you to the society's mountain lodge...
Scrooge McDuck: So cancel Launchpad! I'll not only save face, but my life as well!

Scrooge McDuck: I wish me, and my family, and the bin were back in Duckburg, right now!

Scrooge McDuck: [the lamp after Scrooge wished the genie into a real boy] Look, without that genie, it's wasting away.

A Christmas Carol (1951)
First Collector: At this festive time of year, Mr. Scrooge, it is more than usually desirable that we should make some slight provision for the poor and destitute.
Ebenezer: Are there no prisons?
First Collector: Plenty of prisons.
Ebenezer: And the union workhouses - are they still in operation?
First Collector: They are. I wish I could say they were not.
Ebenezer: Oh, from what you said at first I was afraid that something had happened to stop them in their useful course. I'm very glad to hear it.
First Collector: I don't think you quite understand us, sir. A few of us are endeavoring to buy the poor some meat and drink, and means of warmth.
Ebenezer: Why?
First Collector: Because it is at Christmastime that want is most keenly felt, and abundance rejoices. Now what can I put you down for?
Ebenezer: Huh! Nothing!
Second Collector: You wish to be anonymous?
Ebenezer: [firmly, but calmly] I wish to be left alone. Since you ask me what I wish sir, that is my answer. I help to support the establishments I have named; those who are badly off must go there.
First Collector: Many can't go there.
Second Collector: And some would rather die.

Ebenezer: What is your business here?
Spirit of Christmas Past: Your welfare.
Ebenezer: My welfare?
Spirit of Christmas Past: Your reclamation, then. Take heed, rise, and walk with me.

Ebenezer: Through the window?
Spirit of Christmas Past: Are you afraid?
Ebenezer: Well... I am a mortal, and liable to fall.
Spirit of Christmas Past: Bear but a touch of my hand, and you will be upheld in more than this.

Bob Cratchit: Mr. Scrooge?
Ebenezer: I'm busy.
Bob Cratchit: Well, it's about Mr. Marley, sir! He's dying!
Ebenezer: Well, what do you want me to do about it? If he's dying, he's dying.

Ebenezer: Who are you?
Jacob Marley: Ask me who I was.
Ebenezer: All right, all right, who WERE you then?
Jacob Marley: In life, I was your partner, Jacob Marley.
Ebenezer: Well, in that case, CAN you sit down?
Jacob Marley: I can.

Ebenezer: You see that toothpick?
Jacob Marley: I do.
Ebenezer: But you're not looking at it!
Jacob Marley: Yet I see it, notwithstanding.
Ebenezer: Well, then, I'll just swallow this and be tortured by a legion of hobgoblins, all of my own creation! It's all HUMBUG, I tell you, HUMBUG!

Ebenezer: But it was only that you were an honest man of business!
Jacob Marley: BUSINESS? Mankind was my business! Their common welfare was my business!

Mrs. Dilber: [of Jacob Marley] Is he dead?
Ebenezer: Yes.
Mrs. Dilber: [to the undertaker] It's just like you said!
The Undertaker: I always know.

Ebenezer: Who is that? The doctor?
Mrs. Dilber: The undertaker.
Ebenezer: You don't believe in letting the grass grow under your feet, do you?
The Undertaker: Ours is a very competitive profession, sir.

Ebenezer: [to the Spirit of Christmas Yet To Come] Before I draw nearer to that stone, tell me! Are these the shadows of things that must be, or are they the shadows of things that MIGHT be?

Mrs. Dilber: Are you all right, Mr. Scrooge?
Ebenezer: [ecstatic] I... I don't know. I don't know anything. I never did know anything.
Ebenezer: [starts laughing]
Ebenezer: But now I KNOW that I don't know anything!
[begins to sing and clap his hands]
Ebenezer: I don't know anything!/ I never did know anything!/ But now I know that I don't know/ All on a Christmas morning!
[speaking again]
Ebenezer: Shall I stand on my head? I must stand on my head.
[He does so, and Mrs. Dilber runs out screaming]

Mrs. Dilber: A guinea? For me? What for?
Ebenezer: I'll give you a guess!
Mrs. Dilber: [pause] To keep me mouth shut?

Ebenezer: [to himself, laughing] A merry Christmas, Ebenezer! You old HUMBUG! Oh, and a happy new year! As if you deserved it!

Spirit of Christmas Present: So! Is your heart still unmoved towards us, then?
Ebenezer: I'm too old and beyond hope! Go and redeem some younger, more promising creature, and leave me to keep Christmas in my own way!
Spirit of Christmas Present: Mortal! We Spirits of Christmas do not live only one day of our year. We live the whole three-hundred and sixty-five. So is it true of the Child born in Bethlehem. He does not live in men's hearts one day of the year, but in all days of the year. You have chosen not to seek Him in your heart. Therefore, you will come with me and seek Him in the hearts of men of good will.

Ebenezer: Are you the spirit whose coming was foretold to me?
Spirit of Christmas Past: I am.
Ebenezer: Who and what are you?
Spirit of Christmas Past: I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Ebenezer: Long past?
Spirit of Christmas Past: No, your past.

Ebenezer: [to Fred's wife] Can you forgive a pig-headed old fool with no eyes to see with and no ears to hear with all these years?

Ebenezer: Bob, I haven't taken leave of my senses. I've come to them.

Ebenezer: What do you want with me?
Jacob Marley: Much.

Jacob Marley: In life, my spirit never rose beyond the limits of our money-changing holes! Now I am doomed to wander without rest or peace, incessant torture and remorse!
Ebenezer: But it was only that you were a good man of business, Jacob!
Jacob Marley: BUSINESS? Mankind was my business! Their common welfare was my business! And it is at this time of the rolling year that I suffer most!

Jacob Marley: Look to see me no more. But look here, that you may remember for your own sake what has passed between us!
Ebenezer: Why do they lament?
Jacob Marley: They seek to interfere for good in human matters, and have lost their power forever.

Ebenezer: [to the Spirit of Christmas Yet To Come] I am standing in the presence of the Spirit of Christmas Yet To Come? And you're going to show me the shadows of things that have not yet happened but will happen? Spirit of the Future, I fear you more than any spectre I have met tonight! But even in my fear, I must say that I am too old! I cannot change! I cannot! It's not that I'm inpenitent, it's just... Wouldn't it be better if I just went home to bed?
Ebenezer: No? Well, very well. Lead on.

Spirit of Christmas Present: My time with you is at an end, Ebenezer Scrooge. Will you profit from what I've shown you of the good in most men's hearts?
Ebenezer: I don't know, how can I promise!
Spirit of Christmas Present: If it's too hard a lesson for you to learn, then learn this lesson!
[opens his robe, revealing two starving children]
Ebenezer: [shocked] Spirit, are these yours?
Spirit of Christmas Present: They are Man's. This boy is Ignorance, this girl is Want. Beware them both, but most of all, beware this boy!
Ebenezer: But have they no refuge, no resource?
Spirit of Christmas Present: [quoting Scrooge] Are there no prisons? Are there no workhouses?

Spirit of Christmas Past: Your sister was always a delicate creature, of whom a breath might have withered, but she had a large heart.
Ebenezer: She had.
Spirit of Christmas Past: She dies a married woman and had, I think, children.
Ebenezer: One child.
Spirit of Christmas Past: Your nephew.
Ebenezer: She died giving him life.
Spirit of Christmas Past: As your mother died giving you life, for which your father never forgave you, as if you were to blame.

Ebenezer: [at a homeless shelter where Alice is working] Spirit, are these people real, or are they shadows?
Spirit of Christmas Present: They are real. We are the shadows.
Ebenezer: Both of us?
Spirit of Christmas Present: Did you not cut yourself off from you fellow man when you lost the love of that delicate creature?

Ebenezer: [as Marley lies on his death bed] Well, Jacob! Have they seen to you properly? Last rites and such?
[Marley nods]
Ebenezer: There's nothing i can do?
[Marley nods again]
Ebenezer: Oh? What, particularly?
Jacob Marley: [rasping] While... there's still time...
Ebenezer: Time? Time for what?
Jacob Marley: [rasping] Wrong... we were wrong.
Ebenezer: Wrong? Well, we can't be right all the time , can we? Nobody's perfect. You mustn't reproach yourself, Jacob. We've been no worse than the next man, or no better if it comes to that.
Jacob Marley: [rasping] Save... yourself.
Ebenezer: Save myself? Save myself from what?
[Marley breathes his last]
Ebenezer: Speak...!
[pauses as he realizes Marley is dead]

Ebenezer: [to Bob Cratchit] Well, my friend, I'm not going to beat around the bush. I'm simply not going to stand this sort of thing any longer. Which leaves me no choice, but to raise your salary.
[starts laughing hysterically]

Ebenezer: Waiter! More bread.
Waiter: Ha'penny extra, sir.
Ebenezer: [pauses] No more bread.

Ebenezer: [Giggling] No. Mrs. Dilber - I'm not mad.
[He ruffles his hair so that it looks wild]
Ebenezer: Even if I look it!

Spirit of Christmas Present: You've never seen the like of me before, have you?
Ebenezer: Never, and I wish the pleasure had been indefinitely postponed.

Ebenezer: Go, and redeem some other promising young creature, but leave me to keep Christmas in my own way.

Ebenezer: [grumpily] I don't deserve to be so happy.
[starts laughing uncontrollably again]
Ebenezer: I can't help it!

Ebenezer: I must have a label... label label label label label!

Mrs. Dilber: [Scrooge raises her pay from 2 shillings a week to 16] Do you want to see a doctor?
Ebenezer: A doctor? Certainly not, nor the undertaker!

Ebenezer: I don't deserve to be so happy.
Ebenezer: But I can't help it.
[laughs and throws his pen away]
Ebenezer: I-I I just can't help it.

Ebenezer: I'll send it to Bob Cratchit, and he shan't know who sent it. It's twice the size of Tiny Tim!

Ebenezer: [singing] I don't know anything, I never did know anything, but now I know that I don't know, all on a Christmas morning.

Ebenezer: You have my sympathy.
Jacob Marley: Ah! You do not know the weight and length of strong chain you bear yourself! It was as full and as long as this seven Christmas eves ago and you have labored on it since. Ah, it is a ponderous chain!

Ebenezer: You'll want the whole day off tomorrow, I suppose.
Bob Cratchit: If quite convenient, sir.
Ebenezer: It's not convenient. And it's not fair! If I stopped you half a crown for it, you'd think yourself ill used, wouldn't you? But you don't think me ill used if I pay a day's wages for now work, hmm?
Bob Cratchit: 'Tis only once a year, sir.
Ebenezer: That's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every 25th of December.
Bob Cratchit: Yes, sir. I'm sure I'm very sorry, sir, to cause you such an inconvenience. It's the family more than me, sir. They put their hearts into Christmas as it were, sir.
Ebenezer: Yes, and put their hands into my pockets as it were, sir. I suppose you'd better have the whole day. But be back all the earlier the next morning.
Bob Cratchit: I will indeed, sir. Thank you, sir! It's more than generous of you, sir.
Ebenezer: Yes, I know it is, you don't have to tell me.

Alice: May you be happy in the life you've chosen.
Young Ebenezer Scrooge: [angrily] Thank you! I shall be!

Mickey's Christmas Carol (1983)
Marley: Ebenezer? Remember when I was alive I robbed from widows and swindled the poor?
Scrooge: Yes, and all in the same day. Oh, you had class, Jacob.
Marley: Ha-yuk, yup!... Er, no, no! I was wrong. And so, as punishment, I'm forced to carry these heavy chains for eternity! Maybe even longer.

Ghost of Christmas Past: Well, it's about time! Haven't got all night, you know.
Scrooge: Who... who are you?
Ghost of Christmas Past: Why, I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Scrooge: Oh. I thought you'd be taller.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Hmph! Listen, Scrooge, if men were measured by kindness, you'd be no bigger than a speck of dust.
Scrooge: [yawns] Kindness is of little use in this world.
Ghost of Christmas Past: You didn't always think so. Come on, Scrooge, it's time to go.
Scrooge: Then go!

Cratchit: Tomorrow is Christmas and I was wondering if I could have... Half a day off?
Scrooge: Christmas, eh? Uh, er... I suppose so. But I'll dock you half a day's pay. Let's see, I pay you two shillings a day...
Cratchit: Two shillings and a halfpenny, Sir.
Scrooge: Oh yes, I gave you that raise three years ago.
Cratchit: Yes, sir, when I started doing your laundry.

Fred: I've come to give you a wreath and invite you to Christmas dinner.
Scrooge: Well, I suppose you're going to have plump goose with chesnut dressing?
Fred: Yup.
Scrooge: And will you have plum pudding and lemon sauce?
Fred: Yeah, boy oh boy.
Scrooge: And candied fruit with spiced sugar cakes?
Fred: Yeah. Will you come?
Scrooge: Are you daft, man? You know I can't eat that stuff! Here's your wreath back. Now, out, out, OUT!
[kicks Fred out the door and slams it after him]

Scrooge: And what can I do for you two gentlemen?
Collector for the Poor #1: Sir, we are collecting funds for the indigent and destitute.
Scrooge: For the what?
Collector for the Poor #2: [tipping his hat] We're collecting for the poor.
Scrooge: Oh. Aha. Well um, you realize if you give money to the poor, they won't be poor anymore, will they?
Collector for the Poor #2: Well, I...
Scrooge: And if they're not *poor* anymore, then you won't have to raise money for them anymore.
Collector for the Poor #1: Well, I suppose...
Scrooge: And if you don't have to raise money for them anymore, then you'd be out of a job. Oh please, gentlemen, don't ask me to put you out of a job. Not on Christmas Eve.
Collector for the Poor #1: Oh, we wouldn't do that, Mr. Scrooge.
Scrooge: [giving them a wreath] Well then, I suggest you give this to the poor and be gone.
[Slams door on them]

Scrooge: What's this world coming to, Cratchit? You work all your life to get money... then people want you to give it away.

Scrooge: Bah humbug!

Fred: Merry Christmas, Uncle Scrooge!
Scrooge: What's so merry about it? I'll tell you what Christmas is. It's just another work day, and any jackanape who thinks else should be boiled in his own pudding!
Cratchit: But sir, Christmas is a time for giving... a time to be with one's family.
Scrooge: I say, Bah humbug!
Fred: I don't care! I say, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas!
Cratchit: [clapping] Well said, Master Fred!
Scrooge: Cratchit, what are you doing?
Cratchit: [stops clapping] I was just trying to keep my hands warm, sir.

[Bob closes his book and starts to leave as the clock chimes 7:00. Scrooge looks at his watch]
Scrooge: Hmm... Two minutes fast.
[Bob stops then goes back to his desk]
Scrooge: Well, never mind those two minutes. You may go now.
Cratchit: Ah, oh thank you, sir! You're so kind!
Scrooge: Never mind that mushy stuff, just go! But be here all the other early the next day!
Cratchit: I will, I will, sir! And a Bah Humbug... I mean, a Merry Christmas to you, sir!

Marley: Tonight, you will be visited by three spirits.
[holds up two fingers]
Marley: Listen to 'em. Do what they say, or your chains will be heavier than mine. Farewell, Ebenezer.
[almost slips on the floor, but avoids so and glides away]
Marley: Fareweeeellll...
Scrooge: Marley! Watch out for that first...
[Marley goes crashing down the stairs]
Scrooge: ...step.

Scrooge: Merry Christmas, Bob.
Tiny Tim: And God bless us, everyone.

Scrooge: My partner, Jacob Marley, dead seven years today. Oh, he was a good'n. He robbed from the widows and swindled the poor. In his will, he left me enough money to pay for his tombstone, and I have him burried at sea!

Cratchit: Oh, that Fred. Always so full of kindness.
Scrooge: Aye. He always was a little peculiar
[door bell rings]
Scrooge: ... AND stubborn!

Belle: Ebeneezer?
Scrooge: Yes, Isabelle?
Belle: My eyes are closed, my lips are puckered, and I'm standing under the mistletoe.
Scrooge: You're also standing on my foot.

Scrooge: Ah, I remember how much I was in love with her.
[a wind blows and the lights inside go out]
Ghost of Christmas Past: In ten years time, you learned to love something else.
Scrooge: Why, it's my counting house.
[Scrooge sees himself sitting in his chair counting money]
Scrooge: 9,671, 9,672...
Belle: Ebenezer?
Scrooge: Yes, what is it?
Belle: For years, I've had this honeymoon cottage, Ebenezer. I've been waiting for you to keep your promise to marry me. Now I must know, have you made your decision?
Scrooge: I have! Your last payment on the cottage was an hour late! I'm foreclosing the mortgage!
[Belle walks away, crying]
Ghost of Christmas Past: You loved your gold more than that precious creature, and you lost her forever.
Scrooge: 9,67...
[Belle leaves and slams the door behind her, hard enough to make the coins clatter everywhere]
Scrooge: ... 3.
Scrooge: Please, spirit, I can no longer bear these memories! Take me home!
Ghost of Christmas Past: Remember, Scrooge, you fashioned these memories yourself.

Scrooge: Please, let me go! Don't eat me!
Ghost of Christmas Present: Why would the Ghost of Christmas Present - that's me - want to eat a distasteful little miser like you?... Especially when there are so many good things to enjoy in life?

Scrooge: Where did all this come from?
Ghost of Christmas Present: From the heart, Scrooge. It's the food of generosity, which you have long denied your fellow man.
Scrooge: Generosity? Ha! Nobody has ever shown me generosity!
Ghost of Christmas Present: You've never given them a reason to.
[plucks off a grape then gulps it]
Ghost of Christmas Present: And yet... there are some who still find enough warmth in their hearts even for the likes of you.
Scrooge: Hmph! No acquaintence of mine, I assure you.
Ghost of Christmas Present: Duh, you'll see.

Scrooge: Tell me, spirit, what's wrong with that tiny lad?
Ghost of Christmas Present: Much, I'm afraid. If these shadows remain unchanged, I see an empty chair where Tiny Tim once sat.
Scrooge: Then that means Tim will...

Scrooge: Spirit, I didn't want this to happen. Tell me these events can yet be changed.

Scrooge: I'll change! I'LL CHANGE!

Scrooge: IT'S CHRISTMAS MORNING! I haven't missed it! The spirits have given me another chance!

Cratchit: Why, Mr. Scrooge, Merry Christmas.
[Scrooge barges in]
Cratchit: Won't you come in?
Scrooge: Merry Christmas? Humph! I have another bundle for you.
Cratchit: But sir, it's Christmas Day.
Scrooge: Christmas Day, indeed! Just another excuse for being lazy. And another thing, Cratchit: I've had enough of this 'half-day off' stuff! You leave me no alternative...
[changing his attitude]
Scrooge: ...but to give you...
Tiny Tim: [sees the contents of the now open bag] Toys!
Scrooge: Yes, toys. No no no no no no no!
Scrooge: I'm giving you a raise... and making you my partner.

Scrooge: What's she cooking, a canary? Surely they have more food than that. Look on the fire.
Ghost of Christmas Present: Huh, where? Oh, that's your laundry.

Scrooge: An-and that shy lad in the corner, that's me.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Yes, that was before you became a miserable miser, consumed by greed.
Scrooge: Well, nobody's perfect. And there-there's lovely Isabelle.

Scrooge: Oh, it's a wonderful day.
Scrooge: So much to do. So much to do...
Scrooge: [leaves, comes back upstairs, realizing he's only wearing his nightshirt] I can't go out like this.
Scrooge: [takes a cane] There, that's better.

Scrooge: Merry Christmas to one and all!
[Slides down banister]
Scrooge: Ah, bless me. Good morning, gentlemen. I've something for ya.
[Puts a bag of coins on the second collector's head]
Collector for the Poor #1: Twenty gold sovereigns! Oh, no!
Scrooge: Not enough? Here.
[Puts another bag on the collector's pants]
Scrooge: Fifty gold sovereigns!
Collector for the Poor #2: Really, Mister Scrooge. It's...
Scrooge: Still not enough! You drive a hard bargain. Here you are.
[Throws several bags at the collectors]
Scrooge: One hundred gold pieces, and not a penny more!
Collector for the Poor #1: Oh, thank you, Mr. Scrooge! Thank you! And a *merry* Christmas to you!

Scrooge: Ah, nephew!
Fred: Uncle Scrooge!
Scrooge: I'm looking forward to that wonderful meal of yours.
Fred: Well, I'll be doggone. You mean you're coming?
Scrooge: Of course I am! You know how much I love candied fruit and sweet sugar cakes.
[Fred laughs]
Scrooge: I'll be there promptly at two! Keep it piping hot!
Fred: I will, Uncle Scrooge, I will! And a very merry Christmas to you!

Cratchit: Ha-ha. That Fred, always so full of kindness.
Scrooge: Aye, he always was a little peculiar
[the doorbell rings again]
Scrooge: AND stubborn!

Scrooge: [Scrooge is being windblown into his past] AHHH!
Ghost of Christmas Past: What's the matter, Scrooge? I thought you enjoyed looking down on the world.

Scrooge: Spirit, whose lone grave is this?
[Ghost flicks a lighter revealing Scrooge's name on the tombstone, gasps, Ghost removes his hood and lights a cigar]
Ghost of Christmas Future: Why yours, Ebenezer. The richest man in the cemetery!
[laughs as he throws Scrooge in the grave]

A Christmas Carol (1984) (TV)
Ebenezer Scrooge: [curt and cutting] These are garments, Mr. Cratchit. Garments were invented by the human race as a protection against the cold. Once purchased, they may be used indefinitely for the purpose for which they are intended. Coal burns. Coal is momentary and coal is costly. There will be no more coal burned in this office today, is that quite clear, Mr. Cratchit?
Bob Cratchit: Yes, Sir.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Now please get back to work before I am forced to conclude that your services here are no longer required.

Ebenezer Scrooge: [looking at the Cratchit's feast] It's such a small goose.
Ghost of Christmas Present: [leaning in Scrooge's face] It's all Bob Cratchit can afford.

Ebenezer Scrooge: [after Marley enters] What do you want with me?
Jacob Marley: Much.

Tiny Tim: [outside Scrooge's office] Merry Christmas, Mister Scrooge.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Don't beg on this corner, boy.
Tiny Tim: I'm not begging, Sir. I'm Tim Cratchit. I'm waiting for my father.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Tim Cratchit, eh? Well you'll have a long wait, then, won't you?
[he walks off]
Tiny Tim: Merry Christmas, Sir!
Ebenezer Scrooge: Humbug.

Mr. Pemberton: [at the exchange] ... Ah, Ebenezer. We were afraid you wouldn't come.
Mr. Tipton: It's about to close, Sir.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Well, I'm here, aren't I?
Mr. Pemberton: Good. You'll take our bid, then?
Mr. Tipton: I take it you've changed your mind.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Yes, I have changed my mind. The price has gone up.
Mr. Pemberton: Gone up? But that's impossible!
Ebenezer Scrooge: If you want my corn, gentlemen, you'll meet the price I quoted yesterday... plus five percent interest for the delay.
Mr. Tipton: That's outrageous, Scrooge. You'll be left with a warehouse stuffed full of corn!
Ebenezer Scrooge: Well, that's my affair, isn't it?
Mr. Pemberton: If we have to meet your price, our bread will be more expensive. The poor will suffer.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Then buy someone else's corn. Good day, Sirs.
Mr. Tipton: Scrooge, one moment. We'll buy your corn... at the price you quoted yesterday.
Ebenezer Scrooge: It's too late for that, gentlemen. And if you wait until tomorrow, it'll cost you another five percent interest.
Mr. Pemberton: Damn it, Scrooge, that's not fair!
Ebenezer Scrooge: No, but it's business. I'll give you a second to make up your minds.
[Pemberton and Tipton do so]
Mr. Tipton: All right, Scrooge, done and done!
Ebenezer Scrooge: Good. Make sure that a check for the entire amount is deposited with my clerk. I don't ship until I have the cash in hand.

Ebenezer Scrooge: ...Where are we now?
Ghost of Christmas Present: The name would mean nothing to you. It's a place, like too many in this world.
Meg: ...Mary, Peter, they're cooked.
[to Ben]
Meg: Do we have enough wood for the night?
Peter (their son): They're too hot to eat yet, mother.
Meg: They'll be cooler soon enough.
Mary (their daughter): How did you get these, father?
Ben: [defensive] I didn't steal them, if that's what you're saying!
Meg: She never SAID you stole them, Ben! Don't berate the girl.
Ben: She should have some respect!
Meg: They fell from a cart into the road, Mary.
Ben: Your father's not a thief, Mary... Not yet.
Meg: ...Ben, come back and eat with us, won't you?
Ben: Look at these hands, Meg. They're hard hands; they've done hard work. I want to work, to have bread for my children... It's not right that there's no work.
Meg: We four still have each other, Ben. That's the most important thing.
Ben: I love you, Meg, all of you. Tomorrow, I want you to take the children and go to the Parish Poorhouse.
Meg: No! Better we all drown in the river, than go to one of THOSE places and be separated forever!
Ben: Only until I can find work.
Meg: We wouldn't LAST that long...! Come on, Ben, let's have some dinner.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Why are these people out here? Wearing rags, eating scraps! Why aren't they in poorhouses, or...?
Ghost of Christmas Present: Have you VISITED any of these poorhouses you speak of?
Ebenezer Scrooge: No, but I'm taxed for them; isn't that enough?
Ghost of Christmas Present: YOU tell ME.

Fred Holywell: [on his Uncle Ebenezer] ... His wealth is quite useless to him, really. He doesn't do any good with it; he doesn't even make HIMSELF comfortable with it.
Ebenezer Scrooge: [whom nobody else can see or hear] I haven't SQUANDERED it, if that's what you mean by "making myself comfortable!"
Ghost of Christmas Present: You mustn't argue with those in the right. It's pointless, and even tactless.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Tact is a quality I despise.
Ghost of Christmas Present: *That* I can see.

Ebenezer Scrooge: [to a "simile" player at the Hollywell's party, who's just been eliminated from the proceedings] ... "Quick as a FLASH," you idiot!
Ghost of Christmas Present: Ebenezer! Shush!
Ebenezer Scrooge: You said they could neither see nor hear us.
Ghost of Christmas Present: Oh, yes... that's right. Well, even I forget the regulations sometimes; after all, I don't come back very often.
Ebenezer Scrooge: SHUSH... I'm trying to listen to the game!

Mrs. Dilber: [having cleaned out Scrooge's townhouse, she's now selling his things on the rough side of town] ... Watch, bed-curtains, blankets... So what's your offer for all these?
Old Joe: One pound-sterling, five crowns and three schillings. Not a hay-penny more if I was to be boiled for it.
Mrs. Dilber: You're hardened, Joe, and no mistake!
Old Joe: I'm ALWAYS kind to the ladies! That's the way I ruined myself!
[both laugh]
Ebenezer Scrooge: [to Christmas Future] Spirit, what perversity is this? I've asked to see some emotion connected with that man's death... and you've shown me only greed, and malice, and apathy! Let me see some TENDERNESS, some... DEPTH OF FEELING!
[finds himself back at the Cratchit House]
Ebenezer Scrooge: There must be some mistake; your fellow Spirit already brought me here, earlier.
[Christmas Future motions for him to go on in]
Ebenezer Scrooge: Very well... You're devilishly hard to have conversation with.

Ebenezer Scrooge: [after Cratchit claps following Fred's speech to Scrooge] Another sound from you... and you'll keep your Christmas by losing your situation.

Ebenezer Scrooge: [sitting under the bridge after the Ghost of Christmas Present leaves] What have I done... to be abandoned like this? What?

Ebenezer Scrooge: [on Tiny Tim] Tell me, Spirit... Will he live?
Ghost of Christmas Present: I see an empty place at this table. I see a crutch without an owner, carefully preserved. If these shadows remain unaltered by the future, the child will die.
Ebenezer Scrooge: No. Say he'll be spared.
Ghost of Christmas Present: If these shadows remain unaltered by the future, none other of my species will find him here. But if he is to die, then let him die...! "AND DECREASE THE SURPLUS POPULATION!"
Ebenezer Scrooge: You use my own words against me?
Ghost of Christmas Present: Yes! So perhaps, in the future, you will hold your tongue until you have discovered where the surplus population is, and WHO it is. It may well be that, in the sight of Heaven, you are more worthless and less fit to live than MILLIONS like this poor man's child.

Fred Holywell: Uncle Ebenezer, this is my wife Janet. Janet this is Uncle Ebenezer.
Janet Holywell: It's a pleasure.
Ebenezer Scrooge: More like a surprise, wouldn't you say?
Janet Holywell: Well, that too.
Fred Holywell: That's quite true. Quite honestly, it is a surprise. At least yesterday, you made it quite clear, it seemed to me at least, that you had no intention of accepting my annual invitation.
Ebenezer Scrooge: I made other things clear too, didn't I, Fred? That Christmas was a humbug - a waste of time and money. A false and commercial festival, devoutly to be ignored.
Fred Holywell: Yes, basically, that was it.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Well, I've come for three reasons. First, to beg your pardon for the things I said about Christmas. That was a humbug, Fred.
Fred Holywell: Was it?
Ebenezer Scrooge: I didn't know it then, but I know it now. Secondly, I've come to meet your wife.
Fred Holywell: Well, here she is.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Yes, and a very beautiful woman she is too.
Janet Holywell: Thank you.
Ebenezer Scrooge: I uh... I was in love once. Would you believe that?
Janet Holywell: Yes.
Ebenezer Scrooge: But I possessed neither the courage nor the optimism nor perhaps the depth of feeling that you two have. Thirdly, if the invitation to dine with you today is still in force, I accept.
Fred Holywell: Of course, it's still in force! Hurrah! I was sure that one day...
Ebenezer Scrooge: You were sure? Well, apparently you were right. Yes, I should like to dine with you and your friends.
Janet Holywell: You'll be more than welcome!

Ebenezer Scrooge: [to the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come] Good Spirit, your nature intercedes for me and pities me. Assure me that I may yet change these shadows, by an altered life. I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The spirits of all Three shall strive within me! I will not shut out the lessons that they teach! Tell me that I may sponge the writing from this stone!

Ebenezer Scrooge: [after Present shows him a starving homeless family] Why do you show me this? What has it to do with me?
Ghost of Christmas Present: Are they not of the human race? Look here, beneath my robe!
[opens his robe to reveal two filthy, ashen, corpse-like children standing where his legs should be]
Ghost of Christmas Present: Look upon these!
Ebenezer Scrooge: [stupefied with horror] What are they?
Ghost of Christmas Present: They are your children! They are the children of all who walk the earth unseen! Their names are Ignorance and Want! Beware of them, for upon their brow is written the word "doom"! They spell the downfall of you and all who deny their existence!
Ebenezer Scrooge: Have they no refuge, no resource?
Ghost of Christmas Present: [smiles, mocking him from an earlier conversation] "Are there no workhouses? Are there no prisons?"
Ebenezer Scrooge: [looks down at the children] Cover them. I do not wish to see them.
Ghost of Christmas Present: I thought as much.
[Present closes his robe to conceal the children]
Ghost of Christmas Present: They are hidden... but they live... oh, they live...

[repeated line]
Ebenezer Scrooge: Humbug!

Mr. Poole: Mr. Scrooge, I presume?
Ebenezer Scrooge: Indeed you do, sir.
Mr. Poole: You don't know us?
Ebenezer Scrooge: Nor do I wish to.

Ebenezer Scrooge: [when he views shrouded corpse while entering an abandoned bedroom with the Spirit of Christmas Yet-to-Come] Merciful Heaven. What is this? Spirit, this is a fearful place. I wish to leave it.

Ebenezer Scrooge: [to the Spirit of Christmas Yet-to-Come after viewing the Cratchit family's mourn about Tiny Tim] I asked for tenderness and depths of feeling and you showed me that. Nothing more I need to see. Take me home.

Ebenezer Scrooge: Fan pleaded for more time, but Father was a very... stern man.
[Gives a grim smile]
Ebenezer Scrooge: Ah, Fan...
Ghost of Christmas Past: She died a young woman
Ebenezer Scrooge: She had such a generous nature; Yes, too young.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Old enough to bear a child.
Ebenezer Scrooge: One son.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Fred, your nephew.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Fred Holywell, yes.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Who bears a strong resemblance to your sister.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Does he? Hmph, I never noticed.
Ghost of Christmas Past: You never noticed? I'm beginning to think you've gone through life with your eyes closed. Open them. Open them wide.

Tipton: Ah, Ebenezer! We were afraid you weren't coming.
Forbush: It's almost closing, sir.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Well, I'm here, aren't I?
Pemberton: I said you'd be here. Didn't I say Ebenezer Scrooge would be here? I knew you'd change your mind.
Ebenezer Scrooge: You're right, I have changed my mind.
Tipton: Oh, good. Then you'll take our bid?
Ebenezer Scrooge: The price has gone up.
Forbush: [stunned] Gone up? But that's not possible!
Ebenezer Scrooge: You want my corn, gentlemen, you must meet my quote. Plus five-percent for the delay.
Pemberton: That's outrageous, Scrooge! You'll be left with a warehouse stuffed with corn!
Ebenezer Scrooge: Well, that's my affair, isn't it?
Tipton: We pay your price, then our bread will be dearer; the poor will suffer!
Ebenezer Scrooge: Buy the corn someplace else. Good day, sir.
Forbush: Scrooge, a moment! We'll take your corn for the price you quoted yesterday.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Too late. If you wait until tomorrow, it'll cost you another five-percent.
Tipton: Damn it, Scrooge! It's not fair!
Ebenezer Scrooge: No. But it's business. I'll give you a moment to make up your minds.
[walks a few feet away to allow the men to deliberate in privacy for a few seconds until they turn to look at him]
Tipton: All right, Scrooge. Done and done.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Very good, gentlemen. Now, make sure that the drop of the entire amount of this transaction is deposited with my clerk. I don't ship until I have the cash...
[makes a fist]
Ebenezer Scrooge: ... in hand. Good day.

Ebenezer Scrooge: [after seeing the memory of Belle walk out on him] I almost went after her.
Ghost of Christmas Past: "Almost" carries no weight. Especially in matters of the heart.

Young Scrooge: [Fan enters the boarding school where young Ebenezer sleeps on a desk] Fan?
[they hug]
Fan: Dear, dear brother! I've come to bring you home, brother. Home for good and all! Father is so much kinder now than he used to be. One night, he spoke with me so gently that I worked up the courage to ask him if you might come home! And he said yes, you should. We came in a coach to pick you up; it's right outside!
Young Scrooge: You've grown into quite a young woman, Fan.
Fan: And you've grown into quite a young man, never to need see this lonely place again. Come on, let's not keep Father waiting.
[they dash outside to meet their father. Young Ebenezer starts to hug Silas, but the elder man holds out his walking-stick, preventing the boy from doing so]
Silas Scrooge: There, there, boy. Let's have a look at you. Well, they haven't been overfeeding you. That's certain.
Young Scrooge: I've grown, Fan tells me.
Silas Scrooge: Yes, most boys do. I imagine she's also told you that you're not moving back here. So it's time you made your way in the world. I've arrange an apprenticeship for you. You'll move into Mr. Fezziwig's establishment in three days' time.
Fan: Three days, Father? It's been YEARS since we've had my brother at home! I was hoping we'd have him for longer.
Silas Scrooge: LONGER? Three days is QUITE long enough for BOTH of us. You DO agree, Ebenezer, DON'T you?
Young Scrooge: Indeed, Sir. Quite long enough.
Silas Scrooge: That's better. Come along, Fan.
[They ride off for home]

Belle: If there had been no understanding between us, would you seek me out and try to win me now, a dowerless girl with nothing but myself to bring to a marriage?
[silence from Young Scrooge]
Belle: You have no answer?
Young Scrooge: You think I would not then?
Belle: Oh Ebenezer, what a safe and terrible answer! So characteristic of the careful man.
Belle: Ebenezer, I release you. You are a free man. I let you go with a full heart. May you be happy in the life you have chosen.

The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
Ghost of Christmas Past: Let us see another Christmas in this place.
Ebenezer Scrooge: They were all very much the same. Nothing ever changed.
Ghost of Christmas Past: You changed.

Ebenezer Scrooge: You're a little absent-minded, spirit.
Ghost of Christmas Present: No, I'm a LARGE absent-minded spirit!

Ebenezer Scrooge: What business has brought you here?
Ghost of Christmas Past: Your welfare.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Heh, a night's unbroken rest might aid my welfare.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Your salvation, then.

[Describing Fozziwig]
Ebenezer Scrooge: What an employer he was. As hard and ruthless as a rose petal!

Jacob Marley: Why do you doubt your senses?
Ebenezer Scrooge: Because a little thing can effect them. A slight disorder of the stomach can make them cheat. You may be a bit of undigested beef, a blob of mustard, a crumb of cheese. Yes. There's more gravy than of grave about you.
Robert Marley: More gravy than of grave?
Jacob Marley: What a terrible pun. Where do you get those jokes?
Robert Marley: Leave comedy to the bears, Ebenezer.

Kermit the Frog: If you please Mr. Scrooge, it's gotten colder, and the bookkeeping staff would like an extra shovel full of coal for the fire?
Rat #1: We can't do the bookkeeping, all our pens have turned to inkcicles!
Rat #2: Our assets are frozen!
Ebenezer Scrooge: How would the bookkeeping staff like to be suddenly... UNEMPLOYED?
Rats: [singing] HEAT WAVE. This is my island in the sun...

Ebenezer Scrooge: What right have you to be merry? You're poor enough.
Fred: What right have you to be dismal? You're rich enough.
Rizzo the Rat: He's got 'im there. The old boy's speechless!
Ebenezer Scrooge: If I could work my will, every idiot who goes around with "a Merry Christmas" on his lips would be cooked with his own turkey and buried with a stake of holly through his heart!
Rizzo the Rat: Well, not quite speechless.

Ghost of Christmas Past: There was of course, another Christmas Eve with this young woman. Some years later.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Oh please... do not show me that Christmas.

Ebenezer Scrooge: Bob Cratchit, I've had my fill of this.
Miss Piggy: And I have had my fill of you, Mr. Scrooge.
Ebenezer Scrooge: And therefore, Bob Cratchit...
Miss Piggy: And therefore, you can leave this house at once.
Ebenezer Scrooge: And therefore, I'm about to raise your salary!
Miss Piggy: Ooh, and I am about to raise you right off the pavement...! Pardon?
Kermit the Frog: Pardon?

Ebenezer Scrooge: Are you the spirit whose coming was foretold to me?
Ghost of Christmas Past: I am.
Ebenezer Scrooge: But... you're just a child!
Ghost of Christmas Past: I can remember nearly 1900 years. I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Ebenezer Scrooge: Christmas is a very busy time for us, Mr. Cratchit. People preparing feasts, giving parties, spending the mortgage money on frivolities. One might say that December is the foreclosure season. Harvest time for the money-lenders.

Ebenezer Scrooge: I do not make merry at Christmas...
Fred: That is certainly true.
Ebenezer Scrooge: And I cannot afford to make other people merry.
Fred: That is certainly *not* true!

Ebenezer Scrooge: This is Bob Crachit's house?
Ghost of Christmas Present: How do you know that?
Ebenezer Scrooge: You just told me.
Ghost of Christmas Present: Well, I'm *usually* trustworthy.

Ebenezer Scrooge: I don't think I've ever met anybody like you before.
Ghost of Christmas Present: Really? Over 1800 of my brothers have come before me!
Ebenezer Scrooge: 1800? Imagine the grocery bills!

Ebenezer Scrooge: [in the graveyard] Must we return to this place? There is something else that I must know, is that not true? Spirit, I know what I must ask. I fear to, but I must. Who was the wretched man whose death brought so much glee and happiness to others?
[the spirit points to a headstone, Scrooge begins moving toward it, then turns back, frightened]
Ebenezer Scrooge: Answer me one more question. Are these the shadows of things that *will* be, or are they the shadows of things that *may* be only?
[the spirit points again at the gravestone, Scrooge slowly approaches it]
Ebenezer Scrooge: These events can be changed! A life can be made right.
[he clears the snow from the stone and reads]
Ebenezer Scrooge: [in tears] Ebenezer Scrooge! Oh please Spirit, no! Hear me, I, I am not the man I was! Why would you show me this if I am past all hope?...
Ebenezer Scrooge: I, I *will* honor Christmas, and try to keep it all the year! I will live my life in the past, the present and the future. I will not shut out the lessons the spirits have taught me! Tell me that I may sponge out the writing on this stone!
[kneeling, clutching at the spirit's robe]
Ebenezer Scrooge: Oh Spirit, please speak to me!

Ebenezer Scrooge: I'll see you tomorrow morning at 8.
Rats: [whispering] Ask him, ask him.
Kermit the Frog: Tomorrow's Christmas, sir.
Ebenezer Scrooge: 8:30, then.
Kermit the Frog: Uh, if you please Mr. Scrooge, half an hour off hardly seems customary for Christmas Day.
Rats: No, no.
Ebenezer Scrooge: How much time off *is* customary?
Kermit the Frog: Why, uh... The whole day.
Rats: Yeah, yeah!
Ebenezer Scrooge: The *entire* day?
Rats: No, no. That's the frog's idea...

Ebenezer Scrooge: Spirit, show me no more. Why do you delight in torturing me?
Ghost of Christmas Past: I told you, these are the shadows of the things that have been. That they are what they are, do not blame me.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Leave Me!

Kermit the Frog: If you please sir, why open the office tomorrow? Other businesses will be closed; there'll be no one to do business with. It'll waste a lot of expensive coal for the fire!
Rats: Yeah!
Ebenezer Scrooge: It's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every December the 25th. But as I seem to be the only man who knows that... take the day off.

Robert Marley: You will be haunted by three spirits.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Haunted? I've already had enough of that.
Jacob Marley: Without these visits, you cannot hope to avoid the path we tread.
Robert Marley: Expect the first ghost tonight, when the bell tolls one!
Ebenezer Scrooge: Can't I meet them all at once and get it over with?

Ebenezer Scrooge: [Having just watched the Cratchits mourning Tiny Tim, addresses the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come] Oh, spirit, must there be a Christmas that brings this awful scene?
[Voice breaking]
Ebenezer Scrooge: How can we endure it?

Ebenezer Scrooge: Let us deal with the eviction notices for tomorrow, Mr. Cratchit.
Kermit the Frog: Uh, tomorrow's Christmas, sir.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Very well. You may gift wrap them.

Fozziwig: Belle, you know, I love these annual Christmas parties. I love 'em so much, I think we'll do it twice a year!
Young Scrooge: [brushing past Belle and Fozziwig] Excuse me.
[he sees Belle and is instantly attracted]
Young Scrooge: Oh... Excuse me.
Fozziwig: Oh, Master Scrooge! Belle, I'd like you to meet Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge... the finest young financial mind in the city! Ebenezer, this is Belle! A friend of the Fozziwig family.
Belle: I'm pleased to meet you.
[she offers her hand, Scrooge kisses it]
Fozziwig: Well, I'm glad you two finally met.

Belle: [as they sit together] Another year before our wedding, Ebenezer.
Young Scrooge: Well, it can't be helped, Belle. How could we marry now? There's not even enough for a decent home. The investments haven't grown as they should.
Belle: So you said last year.
Young Scrooge: Business continues to be poor.
Belle: You're a partner in your own firm now.
Young Scrooge: And barely clearing expenses.
Belle: You said the partnership was the goal.
Young Scrooge: This is for you.
[turns to Belle]
Young Scrooge: I love you, Belle.
Belle: You did once.

Sam the Eagle: Tomorrow, you become a man of business!
Young Scrooge: I'm looking forward to it, Headmaster.
Sam the Eagle: Mm, you will love business. It is the AMERICAN WAY!
Gonzo: [whispers] Sam...
[whispers in Sam's ear]
Sam the Eagle: Oh... It is the BRITISH WAY!
Young Scrooge: Yes, headmaster.

Scrooge (1970)
Ebenezer Scrooge: [singing] I will start anew / I will make amends / and I will make quite certain / that the story ends / on a note of hope / on a strong amen / and I'll thank the world / and remember when / I was able to begin again!

Ebenezer Scrooge: [Ghost of Christmas Present has brought Scrooge to Bob Cratchit's home] I want to look in the window.
Ghost of Christmas Present: It will cost you nothing, which I'm sure is good news for you.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Will they be able to see me?
Ghost of Christmas Present: No, which I'm sure is good news for them.

Jacob Marley's Ghost: [Scrooge has arrived in Hell] Ah! So there you are.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Marley! Where am I?
Jacob Marley's Ghost: I should have thought it was obvious. I heard you were coming down today, so I thought I'd come to greet you, show you to your quarters. Nobody else wanted to.
Ebenezer Scrooge: That's... that's very civil of you, Marley. I... I... I... I am dead, aren't I?
Jacob Marley's Ghost: As a coffin nail.
Ebenezer Scrooge: I... I had rather hoped I'd end up in Heaven.
Jacob Marley's Ghost: Did you, indeed? You may find your office here rather small, but not, I trust, unfamiliar.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Office?
Jacob Marley's Ghost: Your activities in life were so pleasing to Lucifer that he has appointed you to be his personal clerk. A singular honor. You will be to him, so to speak, what Bob Cratchit was to you.
Ebenezer Scrooge: That's not fair! It's... it's...
Jacob Marley's Ghost: Diabolical. I must confess, I find it not altogether unamusing.

[a knock at the door]
Ebenezer Scrooge: Fire and damnation! Don't they know that I'm trying to run a business here?
[flings the door open]
Nephew Fred: Uncle Ebenezer! I cannot tell you what a joy it is to see your happy, smiling face.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Oh... it's you.

[trying to collect Christmas donations]
1st Portly Gentleman: Mr. Scrooge, sir, we find it more than usually desirable than we make some slight provision for the poor and destitute.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Excellent! Than I suggest you do so!
2nd Portly Gentleman: What may we put down for you, sir?
Ebenezer Scrooge: Nothing, sir.
1st Portly Gentleman: Ah, you wish to remain anonymous.
Ebenezer Scrooge: I wish to be left alone, sir! That is what I wish! I don't make myself merry at Christmas and I cannot afford to make idle people merry. I have been forced to support the establishments I have mentioned through taxation and God knows they cost more than they're worth. Those who are badly off must go there.
2nd Portly Gentleman: Many would rather die than go there.
Ebenezer Scrooge: If they'd rather die, then they had better do it and decrease the surplus population, Good night, gentlemen.
[walks away, then turns back]
Ebenezer Scrooge: Humbug!

Ebenezer Scrooge: Why do you walk the earth? Why'd you come to persecute me? And what is that great chain you wear?
Jacob Marley's Ghost: I wear the chain I forged in life. I made it, link by link and yard by yard, while on Earth, and now I will never be rid of it, any more than you will ever be rid of yours!
Ebenezer Scrooge: [shocked] Mine?
Jacob Marley's Ghost: It was as heavy and long as this seven Christmases ago. It's a terrible, ponderous chain you are making, Scrooge!
Ebenezer Scrooge: Tell me more, Marley, but speak comforts to me!
Jacob Marley's Ghost: I have none to give.
Ebenezer Scrooge: None?
Jacob Marley's Ghost: Comfort comes from other sources, Ebenezer Scrooge, and is given by other ministers than I to other kinds of men than you. When I lived, my spirit, like yours, never walked beyond the narrow limits of our counting house.
Ebenezer Scrooge: But you were always a good man of business, Jacob.
Jacob Marley's Ghost: Mankind should be our business, Ebenezer, but we seldom attend to it... as you shall see.

Ebenezer Scrooge: How shall I ever understand this world? There is nothing on which it is so hard as poverty, and yet, there is nothing it condemns with such severity as the pursuit of wealth.

Nephew Fred: A merry Christmas, Uncle Ebenezer! God save you.
Ebenezer Scrooge: God save me from Christmas. It's another humbug.
Nephew Fred: Christmas a humbug? Come, now. I'm sure you don't mean that.
Ebenezer Scrooge: And I'm sure that I do mean that. Merry Christmas, indeed. What reason have you got to be merry? You're poor enough.
Nephew Fred: What reason have you got to be miserable? You're rich enough.
Ebenezer Scrooge: There is no such thing as rich enough, only poor enough.
Nephew Fred: Don't be so dismal, Uncle Ebenezer!
Ebenezer Scrooge: What else can I be when I live in a world full of fools babbling "Merry Christmas" at one another? What's Christmas but a time for finding yourself a year older and not a day richer? There's nothing merry in that. If I could work my will, nephew, every idiot who goes about with "Merry Christmas" on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart.

Ebenezer Scrooge: Who are you?
Ghost of Christmas Past: I am the spirit whose coming was foretold to you.
Ebenezer Scrooge: You don't look like a ghost.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Thank you.
Ebenezer Scrooge: May I inquire as to more precisely who or what you are?
Ghost of Christmas Past: I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Long past?
Ghost of Christmas Past: No. Your past.

Ebenezer Scrooge: [about Bob Cratchit] Fifteen shillings a week, a wife and five children... and he still talks of a Merry Christmas!

Ebenezer Scrooge: What business brings you here?
Ghost of Christmas Past: Your welfare.
Ebenezer Scrooge: [scoffs] To be wakened by a ghost at one o'clock in the morning is hardly conducive to my welfare!
Ghost of Christmas Past: Your redemption, then.

Ebenezer Scrooge: [watching Fezziwig's Christmas party] What a marvelous man...
Ghost of Christmas Past: What's so marevlous? He's merely spent a few pounds of your mortal money. Three or four, perhaps. What is that to be deserving of so much praise?
Ebenezer Scrooge: You don't understand. He had the power to make us happy or unhappy, to make our work a pleasure or a burden. It's nothing to do with money!

[Scrooge is covertly watching Harry's Christmas party]
Tom - Friend of Harry's: Harry, I've visited you every Christmas for the past five years, and to this day I can never understand this extraordinary ritual of toasting the health of your old uncle Ebenezer. I mean, everyone knows he's the most miserable old skinflint that ever walked God's earth.
Ebenezer Scrooge: [glaring] Who's he?
Ghost of Christmas Present: Oh... just a friend.
Nephew Fred: My dear Tom, it's very simple. He is indeed a despicable old miser, worse than you could ever possibly imagine.
[Ghost of Christmas Present bursts out laughing]
Ebenezer Scrooge: You find this amusing?
Ghost of Christmas Present: Believe it or not, he likes you.
Nephew Fred: See, I look at it this way: If I can wish a Merry Christmas to him, who is beyond dispute the most obnoxious and parsimonious of all living creatures, then I know in my heart that I am truly a man of goodwill.
Ebenezer Scrooge: [rising to lunge at Fred] Scoundrel!
Ghost of Christmas Present: Wait! There's more to come.
Nephew Fred: And besides... I like old Scrooge!
Ghost of Christmas Present: What did I tell you?

Ebenezer Scrooge: And be good enough to leave me alone during business hours.
Nephew Fred: Seven o'clock on Christmas Eve? That's not business hours, that's drudgery for the sake of it, and an insult to all men of goodwill.
Bob Cratchit: Here, here!
Nephew Fred: [surprised] Thank you, Bob Cratchit.
[Scrooge slowly turns on Cratchit]
Ebenezer Scrooge: Another word from you, Cratchit, and you will celebrate Christmas by losing your position.
[He then slowly turns back on Fred]
Ebenezer Scrooge: As for you, nephew, if you were in my will, I'd disinherit you!

Jacob Marley's Ghost: You will be visited by three ghosts.
Ebenezer Scrooge: I... I think I'd rather not.

Tom Jenkins: Hot broth, Mr. Scrooge. A small token of Christmas esteem, with the compliments of Tom Jenkins.
Ebenezer Scrooge: No.
Tom Jenkins: And there'll be a free can of broth, sir, every night for the coming year in gratitude for your infinite kindness... in giving me another two weeks to pay.
Ebenezer Scrooge: One week.
Tom Jenkins: Ten days?
Ebenezer Scrooge: *One* week.
Tom Jenkins: [defeated] One week.
Ebenezer Scrooge: And put a lid on that stuff, I'll take it home.

Ebenezer Scrooge: [to Bob] You still don't recognise me, do you Cratchit?
Bob Cratchit: Yes. No. Er... Father Christmas?
Ebenezer Scrooge: Heh heh!
[pulls down his mask briefly]
Mrs. Cratchit: Mr. Scrooge? He's gone mad!
Bob Cratchit: No, no, my dear, I'm sure there's an explanation.
Ebenezer Scrooge: I want to see you in my office on Monday morning, when I will double your wages.
Bob Cratchit: He *has* gone mad!

Ghost of Christmas Present: How many of my brothers have you rejected in your miserable lifetime!
Ebenezer Scrooge: I have never met any of your brothers, sir!
Ghost of Christmas Present: You have never looked for them!

Ebenezer Scrooge: I hate life!
Ghost of Christmas Present: Nonsense, man! Why?
Ebenezer Scrooge: Because life hates me, that's why!
Ghost of Christmas Present: Scrooge, you're an even bigger fool than I took you for!

Ebenezer Scrooge: [asking about the ghost's elder brothers] How many of them are there?
Ghost of Christmas Present: What year is this?
Ebenezer Scrooge: Eighteen hundred and sixty.
Ghost of Christmas Present: Then I have eighteen hundred and fifty-nine brothers.

A Christmas Carol (2009)
[from trailer]
Ebenezer Scrooge: What do you want with me?
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted by three spirits.
Ebenezer Scrooge: I'd rather not.

[from trailer]
[to the Ghost of Christmas Past]
Ebenezer Scrooge: Haunt me no longer!

[from trailer]
[soaring through the air past the moon]
Ebenezer Scrooge: Oh, my!

[From trailer] [upon meeting the Ghost of Christmas Future]
Ebenezer Scrooge: Ghost of the Future, I fear you more than any spectre I have seen.

[From trailer]
Ebenezer Scrooge: I'm light as a feather! Merry as a schoolboy!

[From trailer] [catching himself laughing like the Ghost of Christmas Present]
Ebenezer Scrooge: I've heard that laugh before.
[resumes laughing]

Fred: A Merry Christmas to you, uncle!
Ebenezer Scrooge: Bah! Humbug... What reason have you to be merry? You're poor enough.
Fred: What reason have you to be so dismal? You're rich enough.
Ebenezer Scrooge: BAH! Humbug!

Fred: Don't be cross, Uncle!
Ebenezer Scrooge: What else can I be when I live in such a world of fools as this? Merry Christmas! Out upon merry Christmas! What's Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer; a time for balancing your books and having every item in 'em through a round dozen of months presented dead against you? If I could work my will, every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' on his lips, should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart!
Fred: Uncle!
Ebenezer Scrooge: Nephew! Keep Christmas in your own way, and let me keep it in mine.
Fred: But you don't keep it!
Ebenezer Scrooge: Let me leave it alone, then. Much good may it do you! Much good it has ever done you!
Fred: There are many things from which I might have derived good, by which I have not profited, I dare say, Christmas among the rest. But I am sure I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round - apart from the veneration due to its sacred name and origin, if anything belonging to it can be apart from that - as a good time: a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time: the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. And therefore, uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it!
[Cratchit applauds]

Ebenezer Scrooge: [catching Bob applauding to Fred's speech] Let me hear one word out of you, Cratchit, and you can keep Christmas by losing your position!

Ebenezer Scrooge: [high pitch tone] You'll never catch me in here... Christmas Pudding no doubt.

[first lines]
Ebenezer Scrooge: [upon viewing Marley in casket] Yes, quite dead. As a doornail.

Ebenezer Scrooge: [to Marley's ghost] There's more gravy about you than grave.

Ebenezer Scrooge: Spirit! Hear Me! I'm not the man I was!

Ebenezer Scrooge: [Looking with horror upon the children representing Ignorance and Want] Have they no refuse, no resource?
Adult Ignorance: [Suddenly morphing into an adult wielding a knife, and echoing Scrooge's words from earlier] Are there no prisons?
Adult Want: [Suddenly morphing into an adult, and echoing Scrooge's words from earlier] Are there no workhouses?

Ebbie (1995) (TV)
Ebbie: Who are you talking to?
Jake Marley: My boss. You thought I was tough?
Jake Marley: [talking to God on his cellphone] Yes I'm handling it.
Ebbie: Handling what?
Jake Marley: Change the agenda Ebbie. Reverse the priorities. I taught you everything.
Ebbie: Yes Jake, you did.
Jake Marley: And you know squat! You know the price of everything and the value of nothing. What you sow you reap! Do you remember Eb'? You and me? We used to be such go-getters. Always hungry. Never off the job. Do you remember what we used to say? We said, "There'll be plenty of time to rest when we're dead." Well, there's NOT!

Ebbie: [while watching the vision of her sister's death] Why do you show me this! Take it away! I kept my promise, I looked after her child! I know it's my fault... I have never forgotten for one moment that it's my fault! I could se she wasn't feeling well... Francine! Oh, if only I had stayed with her... if I hadn't gone out, you'd still be alive! She said I had a good heart... I don't! I never did. I hate Christmas! I have always hated Christmas!

Ebbie: My job is important! I have been upfront with you about that from the beginning! So if you're one of those men -...
Paul: One of those men! My God, Ebbie, don't make me the enemy! I'm glad you like your job, I'm glad that you have a career and that you're successful! You can't imagine how proud I am of you! But -...
Ebbie: Oh, right, here it comes, the but!
Paul: You always choose it over me... over us! Every time! You can't tell me I'm wrong, can you?
[Ebbie is silent]
Paul: Can you?

Ghost of Christmas Past #1: [watching Ebbie break up with Paul] What's she thinking, Ms. Scrooge?
Ebbie: Nobody stays... they say they love you, but they leave you anyway.
Paul: Goodbye, Ebbie. I'll always love you.
[He sadly turns and walks away down the stairs as both Ebbies watch]
Ebbie: I didn't care if he left... I always knew he would. Can't rely on anybody, you have to take care of yourself.

Ghost of Christmas Past #2: [after Ebbie's break-up with Paul] Looks to me like you cared.
Ebbie: You're wrong. That's when I stopped caring about everything.

Jake Marley: [Jake and Ebbie have just taken over Dobson's] I'm sorry, F.C.
Mr. Dobson: No, you're not. You two must have been maneuvering behind our backs for months... years. Why not? You've tripled the store's profit, you and Ms. Scrooge. Elizabeth... you always knew how to read the numbers.
Ebbie: Thank you, F.C., but I promise you it was nothing personal, it's just business.
Mrs. Dobson: It wasn't just business for us, Ebbie. Dobson's was our family... we built it up from almost nothing and we've taken great pride in what we've accomplished. I will miss not coming in here every morning, but you mustn't worry for us... because this store is not all that we've accomplished in our lives. We have a wonderful family, caring friends, things we love to do... each other.
[to her husband]
Mrs. Dobson: Let's go home.
[They start to leave, then Mrs. Dobson turns back to Ebbie]
Mrs. Dobson: Oh, Ebbie... what happened to that sweet young girl I used to know?
Jake Marley: Dog eat dog world, Mrs. Dobson. Not her fault.

Ghost of Christmas Past #1: [after watching Jake die] She's got it all now.
Ghost of Christmas Past #2: Dream come true?
Ebbie: She feels so lonely...
Ghost of Christmas Past #2: Who does?
Ebbie: I do... so alone.

Ghost of Christmas Present: [in a moving driverless car on Christmas Day] Feel that air!
[sound of church bells]
Ghost of Christmas Present: Listen to that music! All over the city... music! Bells... bells are my favorites. *Ring those bells!* And people singing and laughing and happy! Mmmmmm, and those smells! Evergreen trees and chestnuts roasting and pies baking!
Ebbie: I suppose you think I should be baking Christmas pies.
Ghost of Christmas Present: You might give it a try, boss. Bake a pie... sing a song... wish somebody a happy holiday and mean it. We make our own happiness.

Ebbie: [talking about Tim Cratchit] He's not going to die, though?
Ghost of Christmas Present: Everybody dies, boss.
Ebbie: Yes, but he's just a child!
Ghost of Christmas Present: Well, too many people in the world anyways. Isn't that what you said?
Ebbie: I didn't mean him!
Ghost of Christmas Present: Didn't you? Oh, which ones did you mean?
Ebbie: [pause, then] I wasn't thinking.
Ghost of Christmas Present: Yup, there's a lot of that going around these days.

Ebbie: [Christmas Present is showing her her neice's party] These are all a lot of people I could never be comfortable with. I mean, I could never fit in here.
Chost of Christmas Present: Feeling a little left out, are you?
Ebbie: I was invited! I was always invited.

Ebbie: [she's been shown Paul and his wife] She's lovely, Paul. Oh, such a fool... it could have been me with him.
Ghost of Christmas Present: Well, who's to say? Maybe it wouldn't have been the best thing, you know? I got to admit... he's a pretty darn nice guy. Time's up... gotta go.
[She prepares to take them away]
Ebbie: [stops Christmas Present] Paul... I want to be happy... I just don't know how to be happy.

Ebbie: [she's being shown Ignorance and Poverty] Are they yours?
Ghost of Christmas Present: They belong to all of us... but they cling to me. The one is Ignorance... the other is Poverty. Beware them... they can destroy the world.
Ebbie: They're children... they need security and love! They need loving parents like my niece! Isn't there someone to care for them? Some place?
Ghost of Christmas Present: Aren't there orphanages? Aren't there shelters?

Ebbie: [she's being forced to see a vision of herself dying alone in a hospital ward] I went out of my way for no one... gave nothing of myself... let no one get close. I took no joy in waking up... or lying down. Empty, gray life... and it ends here?
[she turns to face Christmas Yet-to-Come]
Ebbie: The things you've shown me... it's not the way things have to be? Things can be changed... things can change, people can change!
[Christmas Yet-to-Come points inexorably to the vision of dying Ebbie]
Ebbie: No! I'm already a different person than I was! Why show me all this if I'm all past hope? I know I can make things better by being better! I will honor Christmas and I will keep it in my heart, Past, Present and Future! Please! Please!
[the heart monitor goes flatline with a terrible whine]
Ebbie: Spare me!

A Diva's Christmas Carol (2000) (TV)
Ebony Scrooge: Skinny bitch!
Ghost of Christmas Past: [gasps and smiles] Did you say skinny?

[While watching Bob Cratchett talk on the phone to his ill son, Tim]
Ebony Scrooge: I had no idea Tim was sick.
Ghost of Christmas Present: You had no idea his name was Tim.

Ebony Scrooge: Save it for the suckers, Grandpa!

Ebony Scrooge: These people have no idea how to treat a superstar!

Ebony Scrooge: I may be a sweetheart now, but no one pees on the diva!

Ebony Scrooge: Stop haunting me!
Ghost of Christmas Past: Stop being so hauntable!

Ebony Scrooge: [after seeing her tombstone with the words "She was the wind beneath our wings" on it] No! Not Bette Midler!

Ghost of Christmas Present: Are you going to come with me, or am I going to have to get nasty with you?
Ebony Scrooge: Don't you mean nastier?
Ghost of Christmas Present: I do.

Ebony Scrooge: Is this about the royalties because I thought we already settled that. If I write 65% of the songs, I get 65% of the...
Marli Jacob: [shows her chains] I think I'm way past worried about money now.
Ebony Scrooge: Well, then you must be dead because no one's ever past worrying about money. And what's with the getup? I thought you quit the chains when you broke up with that guy from Paramus.
Marli Jacob: These chains are to represent my mistakes, how I messed up my life.
Ebony Scrooge: I'll say you did. What a waste. And we were getting so big.
Marli Jacob: But how did we use our success? What did we do to help our own? In the true business of life, we were flops.
Ebony Scrooge: That doesn't make sense.
Marli Jacob: I have tried, Lord knows I have tried, to reach you from... wherever it is I am, and tonight I finally did. So I am telling you, you have got to start...
Ebony Scrooge: What gives you the right to tell me what to do?
Marli Jacob: What gives me the right?
[Room brightens up as she sits down]
Marli Jacob: We were best friends. You tell me what happened to that.
Ebony Scrooge: You screwed up, that's what happened.
Marli Jacob: You pushed us out of the spotlight!
Ebony Scrooge: Now it's all my fault?
Marli Jacob: Excuse me, I'm talking! The first minute we're a trio, the next, Terri and I are your backup singers! And that hurts!

Marli Jacob: Well, where were you Christmas Eve 1990?
Ebony Scrooge: Where was I? I was just getting the news that you got yourself messed up and got your Porsche wrapped around a tree.
Marli Jacob: Yeah, and I took two innocent lives with me. And what did you do?
Ebony Scrooge: I cried all night long. I never really got over it.
Marli Jacob: The very night I died, you abandoned Terry and started planning your own solo act.
Ebony Scrooge: That's not true.
Marli Jacob: And I had to watch it. My hell is watching you mess up your life.
[She hangs her head in shame, but then looks up after a moment]
Marli Jacob: Remember that showcase that Bob put together for us at Tramps? that night was make-or-break. We do a good show, we get signed. If we choke, we're history, remember?
Ebony Scrooge: Yeah, we kicked butt.
Marli Jacob: Well, tonight is just like that. You're going to be visited by three spirits. At 1:00, 2:00...
Ebony Scrooge: Oooh, tonight's no good.
Marli Jacob: Well, tough!
Ebony Scrooge: I have to get some sleep. I have "A.M. America" to do in the morning.
Marli Jacob: They're spirits. They don't care about no talk shows.
Ebony Scrooge: Nobody cares about talk shows. But if you look at my calender
[Marli disappears]
Ebony Scrooge: Well, this Pharmalayin is some powerful sh...
[she falls out in a dead sleep]

Carry on Christmas (1969) (TV)
Bob Cratchit: Mr. Scrooge, is it alright if I go off now?
Ebenezer Scrooge: Yeah. Soon as you put all the books in alphabetical order, clean away the cobwebs, polish the floor and wash the windows. And a merry Christmas to ya.
Bob Cratchit: But Mr. Scrooge, it'll take me a whole week to get through that lot.
Ebenezer Scrooge: In that case, scrub the merry Christmas, make it happy New Year.

Spirit of Christmas Present: I am the spirit of Christmas Present.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Give away. It's the best Christmas present I ever had.

Spirit of Christmas Present: No, no, you just sit and behave while I tell you all your faults.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Yeah, well hurry up, cause I'm getting hot under the collar.
Spirit of Christmas Present: Well, there's two things that stick out a mile.
Ebenezer Scrooge: That's what's making me hot under the collar.

Ebenezer Scrooge: I'm going off now.
Bob Cratchit: [Looking around] I thought there was a funny smell!
Ebenezer Scrooge: I'll thump you!

Ebenezer Scrooge: [the Ghost has kicked the chamber pot full of coins] You've struck gold, there!
Spirit of Christmas Past: Your chamber of commerce, I suppose!

Ebenezer Scrooge: [waking up] what a nightmare! It must have been that cheese I had for supper - maybe I should have left it on the mousetrap!

Bob Cratchit: Mr Scrooge, I was wondering, could you make a little advance to me?
Ebenezer Scrooge: [Turns to face the camera] Not only long and stupid, but bent to boot!

Mister Magoo's Christmas Carol (1962) (TV)
Ebenezer Scrooge: [sees a horse from his window] Hello! Hello there!
[horse neighs and rears in terror, then bolts]
Ebenezer Scrooge: Ah, the same to you! Oh, yes, indeed. A pleasant fellow.

Mrs. Cratchit: Hush my dear, tears cannot bring Tiny Tim back to us.
Ebenezer Scrooge: No! Not Tiny Tim!

Ebenezer Scrooge: [singing] Ringle, ringle, coins when they jingle, make such a lovely sound. Give them away and nobody can rob you.

Ebenezer Scrooge: Spirit! They're gone! Spirit, they've vanished!
Ghost of Christmas Past: Not quite all.

Ebenezer Scrooge: [looks at a painting] Imagine going out looking like this... lock me up for a loony they would.

Ebenezer Scrooge: Merry Christmas. Out upon 'Merry Christmas!' If I could work my will, every fool who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart! Bah! Humbug!

A Christmas Carol (1999) (TV)
Bob Cratchit: I was wondering if you'd like Mr. Marley's name removed from the sign outside.
Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge: No; time will erase it at no cost to us.

[Scrooge appears at Fred's table, and clears his throat. Everyone turns and stares at him in amazement]
Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge: Fred? I-It's I. It's your Uncle Scrooge. I've come to dinner... will you have me, Fred?
Fred: [rising] Bless my soul! Have you? Of course we'll have you!
[he pumps his uncle's hand, but Scrooge waves him off and goes to Emily]
Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge: And you, my dear? Can you forgive a stupid old man who doesn't want to be left out in the cold anymore? Will you take me in?
Emily: Oh... Merry Christmas, Uncle!

Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge: You find my nephew amusing, Cratchit.
Bob Cratchit: He's a very pleasant fellow, sir.
Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge: You're another Christmas lunatic like him.
Bob Cratchit: If you say so, sir.
Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge: Oh, it seems you doubt me, Mr. Cratchit. What are you, then?
Bob Cratchit: Your clerk, Mr. Scrooge.
Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge: My fifteen shilling a week clerk, with a wife and family, yet you babble about "Merry Christmas." I'll retire to Bedlam.

Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge: Is there no chance that boy will be spared?
The Ghost of Christmas Present: Not if the future remains unaltered. But so what if he dies? If he's going to do it he'd better do it quick and decrease the surplus population. If you be a man in your heart forbear that wicked cant until you've discovered what the surplus really is and where it is. Will you decided what men shall live, what men shall die? It may be that in the sight of Heaven you are more worthless and less fit to live than millions, like this poor man's child. Oh God, to hear the insect on the leaf pronouncing there is too much life among his hungry brothers in the dust!

A Christmas Carol (2001)
Ebenezer Scrooge: Cratchit, that slovenly, good for nothing... Even a tiny mouse is more tidy!

Ebenezer Scrooge: Merry Christmas to you, Mr. Snowman!

Bob Cratchit: [spotting two mice on Scrooge's shoulder] Mr. Scrooge, sir, there's two mice.
Ebenezer Scrooge: Never mind the mice, they were here on time.

Bob Cratchit: I'll make it up to you, Sir!
Ebenezer Scrooge: No, Mr Cratchit! I'll make it up to you!

A Christmas Carol: The Musical (2004) (TV)
Jacob Marley: When the clock strikes one... the Ghost of Christmas Past
Ebenezer Scrooge: I prefer not to think about the past
Jacob Marley: When the clock strikes two... the Ghost of Christmas Present
Ebenezer Scrooge: At the present I'd like to go to bed
Jacob Marley: When the clock strikes three... the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Be! Three ghosts who yet may stop you ending up like me...

Ebenezer Scrooge: I didn't know Cratchit had a sick child.
Ghost of Christmas Present: He tried to tell you, you wouldn't listen.

Ebenezer Scrooge: What about Tiny Tim?
Ghost of Christmas Present: He'd be better to die and decrease the surplus population.
Ebenezer Scrooge: You mock me with my own words!

Scrooge (1935)
Ebenezer Scrooge: To Tiny Tim I'll be a second father.

Spirit of Christmas Present: [Scrooge laughs while watching the Cratchits] You laugh?
Ebenezer Scrooge: Laugh? I envy them.

Ebenezer Scrooge: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all the world!

A Christmas Carol (1938)
Ebenezer Scrooge: Please let me stay!
Spirit of Christmas Present: Nonsense! You don't want to stay!
Ebenezer Scrooge: Yes, I do!
Spirit of Christmas Present: No! You don't like Christmas!
Ebenezer Scrooge: Yes! Yes I do! I like Christmas! I LOVE Christmas!

[Scrooge has come in after being visited by the ghosts]
Ebenezer Scrooge: Fred! My dear nephew! How are you?
Fred: Well who is this?
Ebenezer Scrooge: It's me! Your uncle Scrooge! Smile makes a difference, doesn't it?

Ebenezer Scrooge: [to Marley's ghost] We'll soon see how real you are.
[Calling out the window]
Ebenezer Scrooge: Watch! There's an intruder in my room!
Leader of watch: Right up, sir - law and order!
Jacob Marley's ghost: It was for your welfare that I made this visit, Ebenezer Scrooge.
[He disappears]
Leader of watch: [unable to find him] Your intruder seems to have extruded, if I may say so, sir.
Ebenezer Scrooge: He was here! He was a spirit!
Leader of watch: [laughing] Of course, sir! A fine night for spirits - of one form or another, sir!

The Christmas Carol (1949) (TV)
Ebenezer Scrooge: Tiny Tim, I saw a friend of mine at church just a little while ago, he's a surgeon. You and I are going to see him, and soon he'll be your friend too.

Ebenezer Scrooge: My playmates... they didn't like me.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Because you shunned them.

Ebenezer Scrooge: There was a boy singing a Christmas carol last night, I should have liked to have given him something.

Ebenezer (1998) (TV)
Ebenezer Scrooge: I'll give you some good advice, be selfish, be greedy and trust no one.

Ebenezer Scrooge: [to the spirit of Christmas past] Put that in your peace-pipe and smoke it.

A Carol for Another Christmas (1964) (TV)
[referring to girls severely injured by a nuclear bomb]
Daniel Grudge: Well, at least their children will not face this horror.
The Doctor: Children? These girls?

[the Ghost of Christmas Present gorges himself at a banquet table, while barbed wired keeps out starving refugees]
Daniel Grudge: How can you sit there and eat like that, when these people are starving?
Ghost of Christmas Present: Oh? Do they bother you?
[he snaps his fingers, the lights go out and the refugees disappear]
Ghost of Christmas Present: Feel better?

"Dickensian: Episode #1.4" (2015)
[Bystanders retch as the feet of Jacob Marley's corpse protrude from a badly constructed coffin]
Ebeneezer Scrooge: Nothing but good mahogany can keep in the stench of a putrefying corpse. Marley left no provision for such a coffin. Jacob Marley left no provision for a coffin at all, or indeed any funeral. It's the common pit for him, I'm afraid. Well then...
[He hands over some coins]
Ebeneezer Scrooge: There's an end to it.
[Scrooge replaces his hat and walks off]

[a boy delivers a note to Scrooge and stands patiently while it is read, awaiting payment]
Ebeneezer Scrooge: [Looking up] What are you waiting for?
[the boy promptly leaves empty-handed]

"Dickensian: Episode #1.2" (2015)
Bucket (2015): If I might say so, Mr Scrooge, you don't seem overly troubled by the sudden and somewhat tragic loss of your partner.
Ebeneezer Scrooge: And if you make it your mission to seek out someone to shed a tear for Jacob Marley, I fear you will be sorely disappointed.
Bucket (2015): He wasn't well liked?
Ebeneezer Scrooge: He was a moneylender. We're liked enough at the start of the arrangement; despised at the end of it. Your problem, Inspector, will not be discovering who hated Jacob Marley enough to kill him, but rather finding someone who didn't.

Bucket (2015): [Scrooge angrily opens his front door] Mr Scrooge?
Ebeneezer Scrooge: If you are about to sing, sir, I shall fetch a bucket of water as I would for a cat! If it is charity you seek, then you should know that a portion of my income is already set aside for the poor in the form of taxes to subsidise the workhouses and treadmills. And if you are simply disturbing me to offer me greetings of the season, then I say, "Humbug, sir!"
Bucket (2015): I'm here neither to sing nor collect for charity and although it's not my primary purpose for calling, I do indeed offer you greetings of the season.
Ebeneezer Scrooge: Then state your purpose.
Bucket (2015): Murder, Mr Scrooge. I am Inspector Bucket of the Detective and I'm here to talk of the murder of your partner, Mr Jacob Marley.

"Dickensian: Episode #1.1" (2015)
Ebeneezer Scrooge: Cratchit, bring me the Curiosity Shop account. I saw a light and enquired at the oyster shop. They came back last night, though the old man's granddaughter is sick. Come on, come on.
[Bob Cratchit hands over the ledger]
Ebeneezer Scrooge: If I'm not mistaken - which I never am when it concerns my money in other people's pockets - they left with their debt unpaid. Ah, there see! Eight shillings and thruppence. Do collect, Jacob, before the child dies, won't you? Before we find ourselves faced with drawn curtains and complaints about the cost of burial.
Bob Cratchit: We intend to collect while he tends his sick granddaughter? And on Christmas Eve?
Ebeneezer Scrooge: What? Will all things stop because she's ill? Mmm? Will he not eat, drink, relieve himself, step outside for a breath of air?
[He scoffs]
Ebeneezer Scrooge: Well, if all these things he can do whilst his own flesh and blood lies sick in her bed, well then why shouldn't we - who have no such attachment - go about our business in a similar fashion?

"Dickensian: Episode #1.3" (2015)
[Scrooge examines a handful of banknotes]
Ebeneezer Scrooge: The funds you've expected arrived?
Edward Barbary: You have seven pounds in your hands, sir.
Ebeneezer Scrooge: And another forty that isn't.
Edward Barbary: You'll have the rest when I have it.
Ebeneezer Scrooge: [sighs] You talk about the repayment of your loan as something that will happen at your... convenience, and not according to the terms we agreed. I will see the rest - or you will see the bailiff.
Edward Barbary: How dare you speak to me like that!
Ebeneezer Scrooge: Well, if you prefer polite conversation over tea and dilled cucumber sandwiches, perhaps you might be better placed asking your bankers to lend you money?
[Barbary is silent]
Ebeneezer Scrooge: No? I thought not. Good day, sir.
[Barbary leaves, slamming the door behind him]

Scrooge in the Hood (2011)
Scrooge: Boy, shut your mouth before I pimp-slap your ass back into your mama's womb.

"Dickensian: Episode #1.6" (2016)
Bob Cratchit: Mr Marley made me the loan, sir.
Ebeneezer Scrooge: And you thought to renegotiate terms without the agreement of the surviving partner? Then you must surely have consulted with Jacob Marley's ghost. Mmm? Is that it?
Bob Cratchit: I just needed a month's grace.
Inspector Bucket: What exactly has he done?
Ebeneezer Scrooge: Cratchit has taken it upon himself to move his debt from Marley's ledger to his own, reducing the immediate burden and amortising it over a lengthier term.
Inspector Bucket: Reducing what he owes?
Ebeneezer Scrooge: Mmm...
[consulting the ledger]
Ebeneezer Scrooge: Increasing it, in fact, by a sparing margin.
Bob Cratchit: It seemed right.
Ebeneezer Scrooge: Right? What do you know of right? Jacob Marley had to be dead in order for you to do this. Well, if you think you have your man, Inspector, snap his neck and be quick about it...

Ms. Scrooge (1997) (TV)
Maude Marley: [Appearing in a flash of Light] Ta Da! I always did like a big entrance, didn't I?
[light fades]
Maude Marley: How's tricks, Ebenita?
Ms. Ebenita Scrooge: Maude?
Maude Marley: You haven't said a word about my outfit.
Ms. Ebenita Scrooge: [laughing to herself] Oh, it can't be Maude. She's dead. I buried her.
Maude Marley: And rather hastily, I might add. Afraid I might come back to life? Reclaim my possessions?
[Ebenita slowly reaches for the phone]
Maude Marley: Now I can't.
[as Ebenita's hand gets to the phone]
Maude Marley: NO!
[voice becoming distorted]
Maude Marley: That line is dead, darling. Save us both time, Ebenita. I'm dead, I'm here, and I'm talking to you.
[Coming up to her, talking in normal voice]
Maude Marley: Now I'll cut to the chase, I actually need your help. To rest in peace. That's all anybody ever talks about in the afterlife. How they do things differently. The grass is forever greener, but when I was alive, I lived by one question only: What's in it for me? I'll admit I was a little self centered then, cared not a whit for the little people. That's why every year on the anniversary of my death, I have to roam the world and see the happiness I can never share unless...
Ms. Ebenita Scrooge: Yes?
Maude Marley: Unless you listen to me and turn your little life around.
Ms. Ebenita Scrooge: What's so little about my life? Business has never been better. I own three buildings, and a house with ten rooms...
Maude Marley: [Yells, and then talks in the distorted voice] And how many rooms in your heart and how long will your chain of grief be when you join our miserable band?
Ms. Ebenita Scrooge: I don't have to do anything.
Maude Marley: [in normal voice] No, you don't. Not if you change. My fellow ghosts will show you how.
Ms. Ebenita Scrooge: More ghosts?
Maude Marley: Yes, but tightly organized on the other side. Actually, you'd probably love it for a while. Tight schedules, time clocks, the works. However, the only problem is it never ends.
[circles her chair]
Maude Marley: It goes around, and around and around!
Ms. Ebenita Scrooge: [Screams] Get away!
Maude Marley: Anyway, expect your first visitor when the clock strikes midnight. your second visitor at one and your third at the stroke of two. Regular as clockwork.
Ms. Ebenita Scrooge: What is the point of all of this?
Maude Marley: Change, Ebenita, for your sake as well as mine.
[fading into her light state]
Maude Marley: Either get me out of this or join the crowd FOREVER!
[disappearing in a flash of light]
Ms. Ebenita Scrooge: [looking around for a bit, then getting up out of her chair and gathering her shawl] Ghosts, you can have this place.
[running out of the room]
Ms. Ebenita Scrooge: I'm going to be someplace else!

"Dickensian: Episode #1.9" (2016)
Ebeneezer Scrooge: Arrested any more innocents lately, Mr Bucket?
[Scrooge passes him by without waiting for an answer]
Inspector Bucket: I shall see justice done, Mr Scrooge, if I have to arrest every last man in London.
Ebeneezer Scrooge: Humbug!

"Dickensian: Episode #1.5" (2016)
Edward Barbary: Why could you not deal with Jaggers?
Ebeneezer Scrooge: I prefer to be direct.
Edward Barbary: I'm a gentleman. I prefer discretion.
Ebeneezer Scrooge: That is why I lowered the blinds. Well, a short-term loan so you can release your stock from overseas.
Edward Barbary: One thousand pounds' worth of silk. So what I request is insignificant.
Ebeneezer Scrooge: No, no. It's still significant.
[Barbary slams the desk in fury]
Edward Barbary: Damn you, sir! Seventy pounds is all I require! You should be grateful I would deign to bring my business to your door!
Ebeneezer Scrooge: Oh, I consider myself much advanced, simply by being in your presence.