April O'Neil
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Quotes for
April O'Neil (Character)
from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
Casey Jones: Lead the way, Toots.
April O'Neil: "Toots"?
Casey Jones: Babe? Sweetcakes? Ah - Princess! You wanna throw me a clue here? I'm drowning.
April O'Neil: Hey, you know what, that's okay. I'll do it myself.
Casey Jones: Fine, it's up to you. Just don't come around here asking for my help anymore.
April O'Neil: Casey, I wouldn't ask for your help if you were the last THING on the face of this planet.
Casey Jones: At least I know she thinks of me...
[Casey sprawls out on the porch swing; it breaks and he falls on it to the ground]

Casey Jones: [about April's farmhouse] Hey, didn't they use this place in The Grapes of Wrath?
April O'Neil: Very funny. I told you, I haven't been up here in years.

April O'Neil: Okay, those guys in the black pajamas, they jumped me, and, and that rat... I saw *you* in the parking lot. That explains you. And you guys...
[the turtles]
April O'Neil: Um... I have no idea where you came from.
Splinter: If you will please just sit down and calm yourself, I will tell you where we came from.
April O'Neil: It talks!
Splinter: It is really quite simple, Miss O'Neil.
April O'Neil: And he knows my name... perfect.
Splinter: Fifteen years ago...
April O'Neil: Why don't I ever dream of Harrison Ford?

April O'Neil: I'd like to invite you all in but I really don't have anything to offer you guys except for some... frozen pizza.
Michaelangelo: [springs up from the manhole like a jack-in-the-box] Let's go for it!
Donatello: You said the magic word.
April O'Neil: You guys eat pizza?
Michaelangelo, Donatello: Doesn't everybody?
April O'Neil: Um, yeah... alright.
Leonardo: [from below] Hey, did she say pizza?

April O'Neil: Oh, Casey, hi.
Casey Jones: Hi? I look like I just called Mike Tyson a sissy and all you can say is "Hi"?
April O'Neil: You don't need an ambulance, do you?
Casey Jones: No, but...
April O'Neil: Just shut up and kiss me, OK? I got a report to do.
Casey Jones: I love it when you're pushy.
April O'Neil: Yeah?
[they kiss]

Foot Messenger: We have been waiting for you, Miss O'Neil.
April O'Neil: Am I behind on my Sony payments again? Ha ha ha.
Foot Messenger: Your mouth may yet bring you much trouble, Miss O'Neil. I deliver a message.
[Slaps her hard on the cheek]
Foot Messenger: Shut it!

April O'Neil: [trying to change the subject from Charles giving her security] Hey, Danny, how's school going?
Danny: Fine.
Charles: Oh, wonderful. So wonderful, in fact, that I have to drive him there every morning now just to make sure he goes.

April O'Neil: So, what do you guys like on your pizza?
Michaelangelo: Oh, just the regular stuff: flies, stink bugs... It was a joke.

Michaelangelo: [imitating Rocky Balboa] Uh, yo well, uh, maybe I'll fight Apollo, uh, maybe I won't, you know. What do you think? Adrian.
[everyone laughs]
Michaelangelo: Okay, I got another one. Oh, this is totally cool.
Raphael: Oh no, not Cagney.
Michaelangelo: [imitating James Cagney] You dirty rat. You killed my brudda. You dirty rat. Oooh. Woo-hoo.
[everyone laughs]
April O'Neil: That must be Splinter's favorite.
[the turtles glare at her]
April O'Neil: It was a joke.
[they pause, then burst out laughing]

April O'Neil: [of Raphael] Well... I *was* going to give you guys a tour of the store. Shall we go get him?
Leonardo, Michaelangelo, Donatello: No.
Donatello: Uh... he just needs to blow off some steam.
Michaelangelo: Yeah.

Chief Sterns: We are presently executing a plan of redeployment that will minimize response time while maximizing coordination between patrol units and a decentralized networking scheme.
April O'Neil: I'm not sure I understood all of that, Chief Sterns. Would you mind repeating it, in English, perhaps?

April O'Neil: My nearest neighbors are about four miles away. I need to get to a phone and call my boss.
Casey Jones: You mean Charles?
April O'Neil: Yes; how did you know that?
Casey Jones: He left a message on your machine, uh, just before we got out...
April O'Neil: And?
Casey Jones: Well, hey, you just saved yourself an eight-mile round-tripper. Um... You were fired.
April O'Neil: I just saved myself?
Casey Jones: [oblivious to the dark tone] Mm-hm.
Donatello, Michaelangelo: Uh-oh.
April O'Neil: What did you do? Did you take classes in insensitivity?
Casey Jones: I was just trying to break it to you easy.
April O'Neil: Oh, well you FAILED miserably...
Casey Jones: Hey, broadzilla, you wouldn't even be standin' here if it weren't for me, okay?
April O'Neil: Oh, well what do you want? You want a thank you?
Casey Jones: ...No. It's me who should thank you for that priviledge, right?
April O'Neil: Fine!
Casey Jones: Yeah.
April O'Neil: Thank you.
Casey Jones: No, thank YOU!
April O'Neil: You're welcome!
Casey Jones: YOU'RE welcome!
[they go into two separate rooms and slam the doors]
Donatello: Gosh, it's kinda like Moonlighting, isn't it?
[Michaelangelo nods]

Splinter: For 15 years now, we have lived here. Before that time, I was a pet of my master Yoshi. When we were forced to come to New York, I found myself for the first time without a home, wandering thew sewers, scavaging for whatever I could find. And then, one day, I came upon a shattered glass jar and four baby turtles.
Michaelangelo: [interrupts] That was us! Hee hee.
Donatello: Shut up! Oh, no...
Splinter: The little ones were crawling into a strange glowing ooze from a broken canister nearby. I gathered them up in an old coffee can and when I awoke the next morning, I received a shock. For they had doubled in size. I, too, was growing. Particularly in intellect. I was amazed by how intelligent they seemed, but nothing could have prepared me for what happened next: one of them spoke.
Young Michaelangelo: [in flashback] Pizza. Pizza.
Splinter: More words followed, and I began their training. Teaching them all that I had learned from my master. And soon, I gave them all names: Leonardo, Michaelangelo
Michaelangelo: That's me.
Splinter: Donatello.
[he makes a heroic-sounding hum]
Splinter: and Raphael.
April: I'm not dreaming, am I?
Splinter: No. I'm afraid not.

Chief Sterns: O'Neil... get in here!
April O'Neil: [to the technician on her way in] Time me.
Chief Sterns: Just what is it you hope to accomplish out there, besides BUSTING MY CHOPS?
April O'Neil: I think you know just as much as I do about this Foot Clan and I don't think you're doing anything about it.
Chief Sterns: You expect me to waste precious manpower because some immigrants are reminded of something that supposedly happened, years ago in Japan!
April O'Neil: Have you got anything else?
Chief Sterns: Are you tryin' to tell me HOW TO DO MY JOB?
Technician: [cut to April running out of the office, he checks his watch] 1:07. A new record.

April O'Neil: Are you guys sure you know where you're going?
Michaelangelo: 11th and Bleeker?
[Sniffs the air]
Michaelangelo: Nope, this is only 9th St. Ha ha! Get it?
April O'Neil: Yeah.
Michaelangelo: Okay!

[first lines]
April O'Neil: Much more than just a series of small, isolated incidents, it's now apparent that an organized criminal element is at work and at the moment, business is good. So good in fact that there appear to be no eyewitnesses to any of these crimes. With complaints ranging from purse snatching to breaking and entering, police switchboards have been swamped with the angry voices of more and more citizens who have fallen prey to the recent surge of crime that continues to plague the city. Instead of getting better, things are actually getting worse. Even more alarming is the baffling and often bizarre nature of these crimes. Merchandise of every size and description from skateboards to stereo systems has been disappearing from store shelves and storage areas at an alarming rate. Even the victims themselves rarely catch a glimpse of the thieves. Many don't even know they've been victimized until it's too late. In fact, police have yet to come up a single eyewitness. Only a few vague reports of young boys or teenagers at the scenes have been filed. But whoever is behind these crimes, one thing is certain, these are much than just a series of random isolated incidents. Crimes without criminals? An invisible gang at work? Who are we gonna call? Unfortunately the police are the only ones to combat what some are already dubbing the silent crime wave. But perhaps the most disturbing silence is that coming from city hall. April O'Neill, Channel 3 Eyewitness News.

April O'Neil: Will I ever see you guys again?
Michaelangelo: Indubitably!
Leonardo: Well, that depends on how fast you restock your pizza.

April O'Neil: Hasn't Raph been gone a long time?
Donatello: Nah, he does it all the time. He likes it!
April O'Neil: Are you sure?
Donatello: Don't worry. He'll probably be back any minute now...
[an unconscious Raphael is thrown through the skylight, landing at Donatello's feet]

April O'Neil: And then there's Casey Jones, a nine-year-old trapped in a man's body. He might be cute except for that pigheadedness...

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)
[from trailer]
Vernon Fenwick: So they're aliens?
April O'Neil: No, that's stupid. They're turtles.
Bernadette Thompson: Is there anything else we should know about them?
April O'Neil: They're ninjas.

[April meets the Turtles for the first time]
April O'Neil: What are you?
Leonardo: Well, miss, we're ninjas.
Raphael: We're mutants!
Donatello: Technically, we're turtles.
Michelangelo: And we're teenagers. But we can have adult conversations.
April O'Neil: So, you're... Ninja Mutant Turtle Teenagers?
Donatello: When you put it like that, it sounds ridiculous!

Bernadette Thompson: There are four six-foot talking turtles walking around New York City, and no one has seen them but you?
April O'Neil: That's what I'm telling you.
Bernadette Thompson: Okay, get out.

Eric Sachs: [shoots at April] This is history, repeating itself! Your father walked in on me, April, just like you did!
April O'Neil: You killed my father...

April O'Neil: Swing me toward him!
[the Turtles swing April at Shredder and she knocks him off]
Michelangelo: That's my girl!

Splinter: Everything they are, and everything they have become, was made possible by the bravery you displayed on that fateful night.
April O'Neil: I was just a little girl...
Splinter: And you gave us freedom, where others would have kept us in cages.

Raphael: Looking for this?
[holds up April's phone]
April O'Neil: No no no, don't break that! Please!
Leonardo: [takes the phone out of Raph's hand] How many times do I have to tell you? We don't break things, we fix them. Donnie already wiped the pic, genius! Problem solved! Moving on!
Raphael: Who made you boss?
Leonardo: You know who did.
[both get in each others' faces]
Michelangelo: Oooh, tension. It's been like thirty whole minutes since you had this conversation.

[the Turtles bring April to their lair]
Michelangelo: Welcome to my crib, girl!
April O'Neil: Where are we?
Michelangelo: This is our Fortress of Solitude, our Hogwarts, our Xavier's Academy, our secret Wonderland!
April O'Neil: [sniffs] Are we in the sewer?
Michelangelo: No...
Donatello: Technically, yes.

April O'Neil: SHREDDER!
[stabs the Shredder with one of Raphael's sais]
Shredder: You stupid little girl...

[deleted scene]
April O'Neil: [on air] Three days ago, New York would have called Eric Sachs its hero. But today, we know he's one of the greatest villains this city has ever faced. How were we so easily fooled? And what can we learn from this tragedy? Maybe, it's that heroes aren't exactly who you might expect them to be. They're not wealthy billionaires, they're not square-jawed comic-book characters with flowing capes. Heroes can be anyone. Like the vigilantes that saved this city. They were born in shadow, they live in shadow, they fight in shadow, and they always will.
[April and Vernon spot the Turtle Van moving through a crowd]

April O'Neil: They were my childhood pets!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991)
April O'Neil: Chief Sterns! I wonder if I might ask you a few more questions, off the record?
Chief Sterns: Ms. O'Neil, my record on the record clearly shows that I have no "off the record" record, make a record of that!

April O'Neil: The rat is the cleanest one.

April O'Neil: I guess you're not the ones that can handle this.
Chief Sterns: That's what we do best, Miss O'Neil.

April O'Neil: Let me get you guys some napkins.
Michaelangelo: What for?

April O'Neil: And they said if you don't mean them at the construction site tonight...
Donatello: What?
April O'Neil: He said he'd send out Tokka and Rahzar again. This time into Central Park.
Donatello: Central Park? How are they gonna avoid all of those... people?
Splinter: Then, there is no choice but to meet as the Shredder wishes.

April O'Neil: He's just forcing you guys into fighting Tokka and Rahzar again.
Leonardo: We know.
April O'Neil: But...
Raphael: April, there's no other way.
April O'Neil: But you guys don't stand a chance.
Professor Jordan Perry: Wait! Wait just a moment. There might be a way!

April O'Neil: Where's Splinter?
Leonardo: He's been on the roof ever since he saw your report.
April O'Neil: Doing what?
Splinter: Coming.
[appears in window]
Splinter: to a decision.

April O'Neil: [after the investigation of the street Tokka and Rahzar rampaged the night before] Were there any large tooth or claw marks found?
Chief Sterns: How did you know that... I have no idea what you're talking about?

April O'Neil: [picks up phone] Donny?
Donatello: April...
April O'Neil: Where are you guys? Did you find a new place to live yet?
Donatello: Yeah, we'll bring you down. We've only had time to pick up Splinter and get a few essentials.
Michaelangelo: [holding out a bag of potato chips] Yeah, the bare essentials.
Donatello: The reason while we're calling is, have you seen Raphael by any chance?
April O'Neil: Raphael? Why, is he missing?
Leonardo: You know, there is still a little more stuff to help with, Michaelangelo!
Michaelangelo: Hey! I'm helping Donny!
[tries to pry the phone from him]
Michaelangelo: Gimme the phone!
Donatello: NO!
[flips Michaelangelo to the ground]
Donatello: So you haven't seen him at all then, huh?
Leonardo: Well, if she has, tell him thanks for wasting our time, because instead of going to look for the ooze like we should, we gotta go out and look for him instead!
[slams box on Donatello's foot]
Donatello: Owww!
April O'Neil: What was that?
Donatello: Leo says hi!
Michaelangelo: Gimme the phone! Gimme the phone!
Donatello: Oh, all right, all right, here!
Michaelangelo: April, this is Mikey, I'd just like to say: HELLOOOOO, muah, muah, muah, muah, muah...
[April laughs as they start arguing again]

Leonardo: [the Turtles say their farewells to April before entering the sewers] See ya, April.
April O'Neil: Bye.
[Leo hops into the sewers]
Raphael: Wish us luck.
[Hops in]
Donatello: We'll be back for Splinter.
[Hops in]
Michaelangelo: [Imitating Humphrey Bogart] Well, the lives of two people don't amount to a hill o' beans in this crazy world, Elsa. That's why you're getting on that plane.
[April laughs]
Michaelangelo: Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow...
Leonardo: [Yanks Mikey into the sewer] Will you come on?
Michaelangelo: YEOW!

April O'Neil: Listen, I have reason to believe that this was caused by two... *really* big animals.
Chief Sterns: Ah, and what sort of animals might these be, Miss O'Neil?
April O'Neil: Well, I can't say exactly...
Chief Sterns: Uh-huh, and what makes you believe that they did this?
April O'Neil: Well, I can't say that either, but...
Chief Sterns: Okay and is there anything else you'd like not to tell me?

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)
Donatello: [April trims the leg part of her uniform] Whoa, leg-o-rama!
April O'Neill: Hey, I'm allowed. It's my vacation.
Donatello, Leonardo: Absolutely! Shwing!

April O'Neill: [about Whit] He is lower than scum! He gives scum a bad name.
Walker: Of course he does, that's why I hired him.

Donatello: [gets up and looks around after landing face first in a shallow pond] Mud wrestling is defintely a spectator sport... Gross.
Donatello: [picks up his helmet and pours out mud] Grosser.
Donatello: April? Yo!
April O'Neill: [splashes mud at Donatello] Here! Help me up.
Donatello: Whoa! Alright, I'm comin'. A little mud, no problem.
Donatello: [picks up April out of the mud but slips and falls on his back] Wait! Wait!
April O'Neill: This is the worst rescue I've ever had.
Donatello: Help! I'm a turtle and I can't get up!
Donatello: [April picks him up from the mud] Thanks.
April O'Neill: We better get out of here.
Donatello: Think of it the bright side, April. We could've landed in a great, big, greasy pile of...
April O'Neill: Don't even say it, Donny.

April O'Neill: This is absolutely the worst rescue I have ever had.

April O'Neill: Why don't you get a *real* job, cue ball?

April O'Neill: Would somebody please tell me what the heck is going on around here?
Donatello: Well, relax, April. It's just your, uh, ordinary time travel equal-mass-displacement kind of thing.

April O'Neill: You don't mean - you're not seriously suggesting that Donatello is going to make an incredibly arcane time travel machine, are you?
Leonardo, Michaelangelo, Raphael, Donatello: No, of course not!
Michaelangelo: That'd be totally bogus.
Raphael: Really stupid!
April O'Neill: Well, that's a relief.
Donatello: [points over his shoulder] No, that guy's gonna make it.

Whit: Take me with you.
April O'Neill: Where? New York? Nahh, you wouldn't fit in. I mean, uh,
[takes in his grungy appearance]
April O'Neill: well, actually you *would* fit in.

April O'Neill: I'm going to find an apartment. I have an idea we're going to be here for a long time.
Leonardo: An apartment?
Michaelangelo: Do they have apartments in Japan?
Raphael: Do I look like a real estate agent?
Leonardo: What about condos?

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtle Tracks (#1.1)" (1987)
Michaelangelo: Pizza time!
Raphael: Who had the pepperoni and ice cream?
Donatello: I, I want some of the jelly beans and mushrooms.
Michaelangelo: Yeah, give me a slice of anchovies and peanut butter.
April O'Neil: How can you eat that junk?

April O'Neil: [sees the turtles for the first time] You're... you're not humans!
Raphael: Bingo. You got that right.

April O'Neil: Do you guys ever think of anything besides pizza?
Raphael: Not unless we have to.

April O'Neil: This is great. I must really be on to something hot if they're trying to kill me.

Donatello: [the basement is flooded with water causing April and the turtles to get caught in it] Got to get to safety, we'll drown!... Hey, what are we worrying about? We're turtles!
Raphael: [points at April] Yeah, but she's not!
[dives under water to save her]
April O'Neil: [coughs up water] Ah, I owe you one!
April O'Neil: [as they run up the stairs to out run the water] I don't know if I can take much more of this!
Raphael: Hey look on the bright side, at least it's not raining!

April O'Neil: Nice going, Raphael! Only half the people saw you!
Leonardo: I'm Leonardo.
April O'Neil: Oh, sorry.

Raphael: April, why would people make themselves look weirder than they already?
April O'Neil: I have no idea, Michelangelo.
Raphael: I'm Raphael!
April O'Neil: Oh, sorry.

Donatello: Why would people wanna make themselves deaf?
April O'Neil: I really haven't a clue, Leonardo.
Donatello: I'm Donatello.
April O'Neil: Sorry!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows (2016)
April O'Neil: What's your name?
Casey Jones: Casey Jones.
April O'Neil: [smiles] Hey...
[Mikey appears]
Michelangelo: One question... so are you two like a thing?

April O'Neil: If you want to go down swinging, these guys hit harder than anyone.

Casey Jones: [on the Turtles] Who are these guys?
April O'Neil: They're my friends.

Casey Jones: Kiss me, it'll make for a great diversion!
[April doesn't kiss Casey, people walk past them]
April O'Neil: The idea is to divert attention away from you!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Gauntlet (#1.9)" (2012)
April O'Neil: I am being hunted... by a giant pigeon!
[Raphael bursts into laughter... but stops when no one else does]
Raphael: I can't be the only one who's finds that funny.
Donatello: It's not funny Raph, there's a creature out there trying to hurt my April!... OUR April... April.

Leonardo: We're gonna set a trap for this pigeon man and make sure he never bothers you again.
Donatello: And I know what we can use as bait...
Michelangelo: Bread crumbs! Pigeons eat bread crumbs!
Donatello: I meant April.
Michelangelo: You're gonna let him eat April? I thought you liked her!
April O'Neil: Yeah!

April O'Neil: [about the pigeon] He would have torn me into pieces... if he hadn't slammed into the glass.
[Raphael laughs]
Raphael: Really, just me?

April O'Neil: Here I am, walking around in the big city, all alone! Oh, I sure hope some pigeon man doesn't come out and attack me! That would be the last thing I would want!
Donatello: What are you doing?
April O'Neil: You wanted me to be bait, I'm bait!
Donatello: That's not how bait talks!
April O'Neil: How do you know how bait talks?
Donatello: I know bait doesn't talk BACK!
Leonardo, Raphael, Michelangelo: Awwww...
Michelangelo: Oh no you didn't!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Attack of the Mousers (#1.3)" (2003)
Splinter: Young woman, we have something most important to discuss.
April O'Neil: What?
Splinter: We have never revealed ourselves to the other world. You have placed us all in great danger.
Leonardo: But, Master Splinter... she was in trouble and we helped her.
Raphael: Yeah, aren't you always teaching us to do the right thing?
Splinter: As you grow older, you will learn there are many ways to do the right thing. But there is no going back. I'm afraid we find ourselves at your mercy.
April O'Neil: Oh, I would never tell anybody. I mean, who would believe me?
Donatello: She's got a point.
Michaelangelo: Yeah! We're unbelievable!
Raphael: Geez, where's your off switch?

April O'Neil: Seriously, I promise.
Splinter: ...I believe you.
Leonardo: Is this another lesson, Master Splinter? How to sense the truth?
Splinter: No, this is called trusting your gut.

Baxter Stockman: [to the turtles] What are you?
April O'Neil: They're with me!
Baxter Stockman: April! You're alive?
April O'Neil: And kicking. I've got enough evidence to put you away for years, Dr. Stockman.

Splinter: What will you do now, Ms. O'Neil? You are most defiantly out of a job.
April O'Neil: I'm not exactly sure.
Donatello: We'll help you get back on your feet.
April O'Neil: You guys, you've all been, well... great. And by guys, I guess I mean four big, green talking turtles and a giant talking rat.
Donatello: Here's to the new team.
[raises glass]

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Manhattan Project: Part 2 (#2.14)" (2014)
Casey Jones: Uh, hey April... So I'm kind of, uh... trapped... inside this giant worm thing. It's cool... I'm-I'm alive, and stuff.
April O'Neil: You're INSIDE THE WORM? Do you get a signal in there?

April O'Neil: Salt?
Donatello: Salt's ionic strength can burn through a worm's neurosectory cells. It's like acid!
April O'Neil: Yeah, but... SALT?

April O'Neil: You did it, Donnie! You saved the city!
Casey Jones: I'm gonna take back everything I said about you, Donnie. You rule.

Leonardo: You did it, Sensei.
Splinter: With the help of my brave sons, yes, we all did it.
Raphael: What about Karai?
April O'Neil: I still can't believe that evil witch is your daughter. Um... Sorry to be so honest.
Splinter: Perhaps one day she will believe the truth. But that is her decision.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Shredder Strikes Back: Part 1 (#1.17)" (2003)
Raphael: [watching football on TV] Panthers, Rams, Bears. They even got Dolphins. Think they'd have room for something a little more... reptilian.
Donatello: The Turtles? My friend, unfortunately the lowly turtle has been saddled by society with a stereotype of being velocity challenged.
Raphael: Say what?
Michelangelo: [steps in front of the TV] May I have your attention please!
[lets out a long belch]
Raphael, Donatello: Cool.
[applaud for Mikey]
April O'Neil: Ewww!
Splinter: [to April] This is what I live with ALL THE TIME.

April O'Neil: Hey, what's burning?
Raphael: Mikey's cooking.

Michelangelo: Scrambled's okay with everybody, right?
Raphael, Donatello, Splinter, April O'Neil: AGAIN?

April O'Neil: So, one would think that table manners were a part of their training...?
Splinter: One would think.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: April's Fool (#3.11)" (1989)
Raphael: [noticing April arriving at the lair wearing a yellow ball gown, high heels, dimond earrings, a jeweled necklace, makeup, and her hair styled differently] Wow!, talk about embraceable! Who is that?
April O'Neil: Hi guys, it's me.
Donatello: Gosh April you look just like a... a girl!
Leonardo: You look lovely!
Michelangelo: Truly tubuloso!
Raphael: Yeah, you clean up real good!
Splinter: [also enamored] April, you make this ancient rodent feel young again
April O'Neil: Thanks guys! You're just a bunch of big green sweeties, and you're the nicest rodent I know! And now I'm off to the Malcurian Embassy to cover a fancy party!

April O'Neil: [puts on Princess Mallory's pink dress, white gloves and crown, then hears the turtle com] Oh, what a time for the Turtle Com!
[answers it]
April O'Neil: April here, what's up?
Donatello: [worried] April are you alright? We just spotted Shredder and his two hench mutants!
April O'Neil: Aw you fellas are so sweet to worry about me, I'm in Princess Mallory's room on the trail of a hot story so...
[Shredder, Bebop, and Rocksteady break into the room]
Shredder: Grab her!
Rocksteady: With pleasure!
[picks her up and holds her in his arms]
April O'Neil: [while hitting him on the head] Let go of me you...
[Shredder renders her unconscious with a nerve pinch to the neck]
Donatello: April? April? April, answer me!

April O'Neil: [wakes up, holds her head] Ohhhh!
[notices Rocksteady carrying her over his shoulder]
April O'Neil: Oh, let me go you slobbering beast! Just wait until the Turtles get their hands on you!
Shredder: Wait, that voice... it sounds familiar!
[uncovers April's hair and gets a better look at her face]
Shredder: Just as I thought! This isn't Princess Mallory, you moronic mutants, it's April O'Neil!
Rocksteady: The dame reporter? What are we going to do, boss?
Shredder: We're going to make the best of a bad situation!
[grabs April by the arm and drags her away]
April O'Neil: Shredder everywhere you go is a bad situation!

April O'Neil: [encounters two doors] One of these doors should lead to the roof, but which one?
[opens one]
April O'Neil: Maybe it's this one...
Shredder: [emerges from the door imitating a game show host] You should've tried Door Number Two!
[April slams the door shut, she tries the other door... ]
Rockstedy: [grabs her] Gotcha!
Shredder: You may not be the princess, but you look enough like her to ensure our safe getaway if you keep that pretty little mouth shut!
April O'Neil: Not a chance Shredder!
Shredder: As you wish!
[pulls out a gag]
April O'Neil: I sure hope that's clean!
[Shredder puts the gag around her mouth then carries her away]

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Same as It Never Was (#3.21)" (2005)
April O'Neil: [after witnessing the deaths of Leo and Raph] Karai! End of the line!
[fires a bazooka at Karai]
Karai: [dying] Master. I am finished.

[last lines]
Donatello: My brothers, my poor brothers. This world, this future, it's a nightmare.
April O'Neil: It *was* a nightmare Don. But you, Leo, Raph, and Mikey, you gave us back out future.
Donatello: [starts to fade away] April! It's happening again! Something's pulling me away! It's stronger this time!
April O'Neil: Donny! Just remember there's always hope no matter what! No matter what!
[Once he disappears, she speaks softly]
April O'Neil: ... And thank you.

Baxter Stockman: [a older and handicapped Hun wheels in out of the dark, Baxter Stockman's brain canister grafted to his shoulder] Well, well, well. Donatello.
Donatello: What the?
Baxter Stockman: Looking younger than ever. And how do we look? Just another one of the Shredder's apropos punishments. Don't be impolite, Hun. Say hello.
Hun: Greetings, Donatello.
April O'Neil: Relax Donny. They're on our side. We saved them from being executed about five years back.
Hun: This life is worse. I wish I had been put out of my misery.
Baxter Stockman: And I wish you had been put out of *my* misery, you miserable misanthrope.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: In Dreams (#3.5)" (2014)
Bernie: Oh my gosh, is that TV set in astro-view?
April O'Neil: Really? Not "Oh my gosh, giant turtles!"?
Bernie: You see them too?

April O'Neil: Hey guys? We're heading down to the store.
Casey Jones: Any requests?
Michelangelo: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I need some spicy gummy worms. Need!
Casey Jones: Yeah, he's not going to have that.
April O'Neil: That store is tiny, Mikey. It's the kind of place that has peanut butter OR jelly.

[the Turtles wake up]
April O'Neil: [overjoyed] You're okay!
[kisses Donnie]

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Kraang Conspiracy (#2.9)" (2014)
April O'Neil: Oh, great. Saved by Raph. I'm never gonna live this down.

April O'Neil: [gasps] ... I never understood... how... how turtles... could be so... so fast!
Michelangelo: C'mon, April! This is just the warmup!
April O'Neil: The WARMUP? For TWO HOURS?
Leonardo: That's what ninjas do! Training sometimes lasts four, five hours at a time! Awesome, right? Ha ha ha! Yeah!
April O'Neil: Ugh, are you kidding me? I'm gonna puke! How 'bout a REAL mission?
Raphael: It took fifteen years of training before Master Splinter allowed us to go on a real mission. You got a long way to go, sister.
Donatello: Not that long! A decade or two'll fly by like that!
April O'Neil: For a turtle!

Donatello: You're not... entirely human, April. That's why you have psychic powers. In fact, you are a half human, half alien... mutant.
Raphael, Michelangelo, Leonardo, April O'Neil: A MUTANT?
Michelangelo: Aw, YEAH! Welcome to the family!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Annihilation: Earth! Part 2 (#3.26)" (2015)
[the Mighty Mutanimals, April and Splinter arrive to aid the Turtles]
April O'Neil: So what do we do?
Michelangelo: Kick their Jurassics. COWABUNGA!

[as the world explodes, a ship arrives to pick up the Turtles, April and Casey]
The Fugitoid: [in the doorway] Hurry! You haven't much time!
Donatello: Can we trust him?
April O'Neil: Do we have a choice?
[they board the ship]

April O'Neil: Did that just happen?
Leonardo: The Earth, Splinter, everyone, everything...
Donatello: Locked forever within an event horizon singularity...
[Raphael is silent with shock]
The Fugitoid: Watching your entire world vanish into the quantum singularity of a black hole is rather distressing... Can I offer you some hot cocoa?
[Michelangelo takes the cocoa]
Michelangelo: Dude, who are you?
The Fugitoid: My name is Professor Zayton Honeycutt. And you, my friends, are about to embark on a wondrous adventure.

TMNT (2007)
April O'Neil: [observes Winters laying on floor] It's Winters.
Michelangelo: Looks more like fall to me.

Donatello: [examining a dart taken out of Raphael] Yep. This has Winter's name written all over it.
April O'Neil: How could you tell?
Donatello: Because, this has Winter's name written *all* over it.

Casey Jones: [as April is driving recklessly] Can't this piece of junk go any faster?
April O'Neil: You wanna drive?
Casey Jones: I would as a matter of fact!
Karai: [to her ninja, as April and Casey still argue while leading the monster through the streets] You think they would be more concerned about the 13th monster.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: A Better Mousetrap (#1.2)" (2003)
April O'Neil: This is so great! My friends, my family will finally see I really do work with THE Baxter Stockman.
Baxter Stockman: You flatter me, Ms. O'Neil. I like that.

April O'Neil: Rat problem, my eye. What are you really up to, Stockman?
Baxter Stockman: Now, now, Ms. O'Neil, that would be telling. Suffice it to say my army of Mousers will make me a very rich and powerful man.
April O'Neil: But, aren't you already a very rich and powerful man?
Baxter Stockman: Ah, Ms. O'Neil, so brilliant, yet so naive. I will truly miss working with you.
April O'Neil: What? You mean I'm fired?
Baxter Stockman: In a manner of speaking.
[hits a button on a remote and the robotic arm grabs April which throws her to the Mousers]
Baxter Stockman: I'm afraid I can't let you live, Ms. O' Neil. You've seen far too much already and well, let's just say I have trust issues.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: New Friend, Old Enemy (#1.4)" (2012)
Michelangelo: Whoa, that rad! Oh, I wish me and Chris Bradford were friends!
April O'Neil: Mikey, you already have a human friend. Me!
Michelangelo: April, you don't count. We saved your life, you have to like us.
Raphael: [sarcastic] Too bad there's no place for freaks to meet people where no can see how hideous they are.
April O'Neil: Wait, there is... the internet! Donnie, can I see your laptop?
April O'Neil: Uh, y - uh, sure! Just a sec.

April O'Neil: Check it out, It's a site where you can make friends with anybody online.
Michelangelo: Sweet!
Michelangelo: [gasp] Ohh, Chris Bradford's on here! He'll be my first friend!
Michelangelo: Mikey, people don't always respond immed -
[laptop beeps]
Michelangelo: But sometimes they do.
Michelangelo: [gasp] No way! Chris Bradford has accepted my friendship! I have a friend! Thanks, April!
Donatello: Where are you going? hey!
Michelangelo: To hang out with my friend, Chris Bradford.
April O'Neil: This guy's famous. He's probably has thousand friends.
Michelangelo: And guess who's number 5,286?
April O'Neil: You?
Michelangelo: Daniel Ramirez and I next to him. Later!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Hot-Rodding Teenagers from Dimension X (#1.4)" (1987)
Donatello: April, stay here.
April O'Neil: Ohhh! Again?

April O'Neil: Who are they? Let's interrogate them.
Michaelangelo: Relax, April, they're cool.
Dask: Cool? Daddy-O, we are frozen.
April O'Neil: Why is it I never understand what's going on?

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Case of the Hot Kimono (#3.33)" (1989)
Don Turtelli: Okay, little lady, sing. Tell me all you know about kimonos.
April O'Neil: Never, you crook!
Vernon Fenwick: Uh, April, couldn't you maybe tell him a little something?
April O'Neil: Not in a million years!
Don Turtelli: Okay, lady, you had your chance. Now pay the penalty!
[Don Turtelli starts tickling April's foot with a feather]
April O'Neil: HA HA HA! Forget it! HA HA HA! I won't talk, you fiend! HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Rodney: It's no good, boss. She'll never break, she's too tough.

April O'Neil: Quick, Vernon, the Don's gone. Let's make a break for it!
Vernon Fenwick: No, thank you. I'm staying right here.
April O'Neil: Where Don Turtelli can keep tickling your toes?
Vernon Fenwick: On second thought, let's get out of here!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Metalhead (#1.6)" (2012)
Donatello: [on zoom] Look at her, she's so beautiful. On this monitor she can't tell I'm staring.
April O'Neil: You do know that's not muted right?

April O'Neil: Guys, we gotta do something. The Kraang are gonna poison the city's water supply with mutagen!
Leonardo: The whole city will become a disaster area!
Donatello: There would mutants everywhere!
Michelangelo: Wow! Think of all the friends we'd make!
[everyone stares at Mikey]
Michelangelo: Excuse me for being a "glass-half-full" kind of guy!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Get Shredder! (#8.1)" (1994)
Burne Thompson: [Held captive by Shredder] The story of the year's right under our noses, and we can't cover it!
April O'Neil: Do they really have an explosive devise?
Vernon Fenwick: They certainly do! I saw them carry it down to the basement.
Burne Thompson: The basement? Why didn't you try and stop them?
Vernon Fenwick: Chief, a good reporter's not supposed to get involved in the story.

Burne Thompson: Thanks to you, I've lost my station! Every time that lunatic Shredder makes trouble, it's because of you freaks! Well... I'll get back on the air somehow. And from now on, I'll let the public know just what a menace you are!
Michelangelo: Man, what an ingrate.
Donatello: Do whatever you want, Burne. The real threat is Shredder!
Burne Thompson: You're the threat! You're the menace to society! You're the ones who... where'd they go?
[a manhole cover closes shut nearby]
Burne Thompson: Those cowards! They ran away!
April O'Neil: Cowards? They've captured Berserko, didn't they? And besides, they'll be back! And no matter what you say, they'll keep on fighting to save this city from the forces of evil! Especially Shredder.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: It Came from Beneath the Sewers (#2.3)" (1988)
April O'Neil: [enters a warehouse] Uh, Turtles, are you here?
Shredder: [jumps out and grabs her] No, but I am!
April O'Neil: [frightened] Shredder!
Shredder: [drags her away] Baxter, where are your manners? Offer the young lady a seat
Baxter Stockman: Gladly, master.
Shredder: [shoves her onto the chair and chains her hands to it] Make yourself comfortable, Ms. O'Neil. You may be here a very long time!
Shredder: [digs through her purse and pulls out the turtle com] Aha!
April O'Neil: What are you doing?
Shredder: Making sure you don't get lonely.
[calls the turtles]

Leonardo: The turtle communicator!
Donatello: [answers] April, is that you?
Shredder: Not even close.
Donatello: It's Shredder. What do you want, you metal-faced misfit?
Shredder: Now, now, speak with respect. I'm holding your friend April hostage.
[holds the communicator to April's gagged mouth]
April O'Neil: [muffled] Help! Get me out of here!
Raphael: That's April, alright. I recognize her mumbles.
Leonardo: All right, Shredder, where have you got her?
Shredder: 423 Dock Street. I'll be waiting, mutants.
Leonardo: Okay turtles, let's haul shell!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Enter: The Shredder (#1.2)" (1987)
April O'Neil: Okay guys, where's the action?
Raphael: Afraid you missed all the good stuff.
April O'Neil: Ugh, well, that's just great.
Michaelangelo: Of course you could get a shot of those 2 bozos
[Points at the imprisoned Bebop and Rocksteady]
Rocksteady: [Growls] Get back here and fight, you little web-footed creeps!
April O'Neil: Oh, wow!
Rocksteady: Ooh, you little bimbo! I'll make you eat that camera!

April O'Neil: [on the phone] Don't ask questions, just get a camera crew down here, now! What do you mean I got to have a story first? This IS the story!
April O'Neil: Oh, yeah? You, too!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Baxter's Gambit (#1.19)" (2013)
April O'Neil: Sensei, not that I don't enjoy running Ukes 6,000 times, but when do I get a weapon?
Splinter: Ah, but April, you already possess the kunoichi's most powerful weapon: the mind.
April O'Neil: When was the last time you saw a guy hit someone over the head with their mind?
Splinter: True. Let's find you a weapon.

Splinter: [holds up a tessen] I had one day intended to pass this onto my daughter. But I would like you to have it.
April O'Neil: It's beautiful.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Secret Origins: Part 1 (#2.6)" (2004)
April O'Neil: Sergent! I just got a warning message from a secret terror organization calling themselves...
Casey Jones: Goongala Cowabunga!

April O'Neil: [Talking on a cell phone to Donatello] Hey guys I can't believe I'm talking to you!
Casey Jones: Me neither. When did you get three-way calling?
April O'Neil: [April slaps Casey] Hello? Alive?

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Karai's Vendetta (#1.21)" (2013)
April O'Neil: [on phone] Hey Donnie!
Donatello: April! You're OK! Did you guys hear that? My sweet princess is alive!... Did I mute that?
April O'Neil: ...Let's agree that you did.

April O'Neil: So, what brings you to New York?
Karai: I'm with my dad. He's here trying to close an old deal.
April O'Neil: Oh! What does he do?
Karai: He's in kitchen utensils. Knives, mostly.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Nano (#1.5)" (2003)
April O'Neil: Why of all the myopic, misogynistic...
Casey Jones: How are supposed to talk when you don't even speak English?

April O'Neil: [to Casey] You aren't going anywhere, mister. You wait right here till I get some more bandages.
Raphael: You wouldn't be milking this boo-boo thing, wouldja Case?
Casey Jones: Hey, show a little concern, shell-for-brains.
Raphael: [winks and nudges Casey] You owe us one, pal.
Casey Jones: Definitely.
[winces in pain]
Casey Jones: Ow!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Target: April O'Neil (#2.6)" (2013)
Casey Jones: So... you owe these guys money or something.
April O'Neil: Or something.

April O'Neil: Thanks, guys. I just wanted to say - OMIGOSH! I forgot about Casey!
Donatello: THAT'S what she wanted to say?

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Monkey Brains (#1.7)" (2012)
April O'Neil: Careful Donnie, that's a dangerous mutant!
Donatello: That makes two of us!

Leonardo: Donnie, are you gonna be okay?
Donatello: Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine.
Leonardo: In that case...
[Leo, Raph and Mikey start laughing at him]
Raphael: You got beat up by a monkey? In front of your girlfriend?
Donatello: She's not my girlfriend! And that monkey was a vicious mutant!
Leonardo: Yeah, I'm sure he went bananas! Oh, no, no, no, no, no. He went ape!
Raphael: [sees April enter] No more monkey puns.
April O'Neil: Are you laughing at him because he's hurt?
Michelangelo: No we're laughing at him, because he was hurt by a... monkey!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Sky Turtles (#3.5)" (1989)
Splinter: Well Donatello how is the repair work on the satellite dish progressing?
Donatello: All finished master and it's as good as new
April O'Neil: Donatello you're wonderful, the dish is repaired and the city is saved!
[kisses him]
Raphael: [annoyed] Hey, hey, hey we had something to do with it too you know!
[April leans over to kiss him and Leonardo]
Michaelangelo: [interrupting her] Gang way dudes hot pizzas coming through!
April O'Neil: Are those for the victory celebration?
Michaelangelo: Heck no they're for me!
[starts to eat them]
Splinter: [scolding him] Michaelangelo what about your diet?
Michaelangelo: Master I spent the entire day being lighter than air, it was a total bummer!
[continues eating]

"Robot Chicken: Super Guitario Center (#7.11)" (2014)
Donatello: April, please just go on one date with Casey, he's a good guy...
April O'Neil: Casey is a jobless loser in sweats!
Casey Jones: Great start to my morning.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Lonely Mutation of Baxter Stockman (#2.16)" (2014)
April O'Neil: Dad! I can't believe it! I missed you so much.
[Hugs Kirby]
Kirby O'Neil: A-April? What happened? Where am I? And why am I... nude?

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Beyond the Known Universe (#4.1)" (2015)
April O'Neil: [floating in space] So amazing! It's like a huge black ocean that goes on and on forever! It's like a dream! I don't ever want to go back into that ship, I just want to float off into the stars!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: City at War (#4.15)" (2016)
April O'Neil: Back off, Fishface!
Fishface: [flirtatious] Call me what you will, I am the most nteresting fish in the world!
[Donnie gets mad]

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Earth's Last Stand (#4.14)" (2016)
Casey Jones: The world isn't big enough for TWO Casey Jones!
April O'Neil: I don't know, it's like having a twin sister.

The Fight for the Fox Box (2003) (TV)
Leonardo: [inside their truck as it speeds through the city; talking into a cell phone] All right, guys. Anyone find anything?
Michaelangelo: I find that searching for stuff makes me hungry!
Raphael: [riding his motorcycle] I got nothing!
Donatello: [on the computer system at their base] I intercepted and encrypted Foot communication signals. Near as I can tell, the Fox Box broadcast codes have been broken up into five parts. Shredder's got one part, but we'll need the other parts to get the Fox Box back online and on the air.
Leonardo: [on the phone] So, what do we do?
Donatello: April had a great idea.
April O'Neil: If we can find The Shredder's part of the code, maybe someone else will find the other pieces. Don and I have set up a website: SaveTheFoxBox.com. Anyone who finds a piece of the Fox Box broadcast codes can log on and enter it. The codes will be reassembled, and the Fox Box will be back on the air in no time.
Michaelangelo: [driving the truck] I just hope all this can happen fast, so I don't miss the Fox Box premiere of Sonic X!
Raphael: If that ain't an intro for another sneak peek, I don't know what is!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Turtle Terminator (#3.37)" (1989)
April O'Neil: Irma, where did you disappear to?
Turtlenator: Disappear to?
Irma Langinstein: [walks up to them] April, you'll never believe it! I found this fantastic machine with all this health food and...
[sees that Turtlenator]
Irma Langinstein: Oops...
Turtlenator: Who are you and who does your hair?
Irma Langinstein: [nervously] Well, you see, I just came along for the ride with the tur...
April O'Neil: [covers her mouth] Whatever you do, don't use the 'T' word!
Irma Langinstein: The 'T' word? What 'T' word? OH! You mean turtles!
Turtlenator: TURTLES?
[the Turtlenator attacks and chases after them]
Irma Langinstein: Why didn't you warn me the 'T' word was turtles?
April O'Neil: Irma, you're hopeless!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Adventures in Turtle Sitting (#4.23)" (2006)
Casey Jones: What do we do?
April O'Neil: It's Don, right? Try talking to him!
Casey Jones: Talk to him, are you nuts? He's a savage, freaky monster, and YOU JUST WHACKED HIM IN THE FACE WITH A BROOM!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Return of the Fly (#3.22)" (1989)
[Shredder shows up when the Turtles rescue April]
April O'Neil: Shredder!
Raphael: Oh, swell. We've traded one rat for another.
April O'Neil: But, you're not the one who captured me!
Baxter Stockman: No, my dear. It was I, Baxter the fly.
Leonardo: Baxter!
Donatello: The Fly!
Raphael: These old subway tunnels always have such a great echo.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Modern Love - The Return of Nano (#2.11)" (2004)
Leonardo: April we found the stolen jewels the police were looking for
Raphael: We thought you should turn them in there's a big reward
Leonardo: [hands her the chest] You can build your place again
April O'Neil: But guys we should share the reward
Michelangelo: Sharing is good!
[Raphael hits him]
Raphael: Will you knock it off!
Michelangelo: What?
April O'Neil: Thanks guys
Donatello: Guess if you get your place back we won't be seeing you so much anymore
April O'Neil: [kisses him] Of course you will guys
[Donatello smiles]
April O'Neil: we're family

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Catwoman from Channel Six (#2.12)" (1988)
Donatello: Well, April, how does it feel being a human again?
April O'Neil: Awful! My nails are absolutely ruined from walking around on all fours!
Raphael: Yep, she's back to being a woman again!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Buried Secrets (#3.3)" (2014)
April O'Neil: Maybe she really is gone forever... But maybe she's still out there, somewhere...
Leonardo: You can't give up hope. Trust me on that.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Of Rats and Men (#2.12)" (2014)
Donatello: You guys get everyone to safety, we got this covered!
April O'Neil: [smiles at Donny] You always do.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Good, the Bad and Casey Jones (#2.8)" (2014)
April O'Neil: Well, well... Casey Jones finally makes it to class. What a surprise. You ready for the big trig exam?
Casey Jones: Trig exam? Oh, yeah... I was up all night... studying...
April O'Neil: Really... Did your homework punch you in the face?

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Showdown: Part 2 (#1.26)" (2013)
Kraang Prime: April O'Neil. Kraang has waited a long time.
April O'Neil: [strapped to a table] Where am I? What's going on?
Kraang Prime: Like all Kraang, i am called Kraang. But you can call me Kraang. Kraang has need of this planet for Kraang to live on.
April O'Neil: Um, that's great, but we're kind of using it. So you came all this way for nothing. Bummer.
Kraang Prime: No. Kraang came all this way for you, April O'Neil.
April O'Neil: Oh, really? As if I have anything to offer to you Kraangs.
Kraang Prime: Your mental energy is uniquely attuned to this universe. Once Kraang gains this ability, Kraang will transform your world into a world of Kraang.
April O'Neil: And how are you going to do that, exactly?
[tentacles surround April and start to work on her... ]

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Reflections (#2.10)" (2004)
[last lines]
April O'Neil: Well, it's definitely a family. But do you think we'll ever be able to teach the kids some manners?
Splinter: Miss O'Neil, teaching them the ancient art of Ninjutsu is hard enough. I am afraid even I cannot work miracles...

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Green with Jealousy (#3.21)" (1989)
Irma Langinstein: I didn't meet one single sailor!
April O'Neil: What do you mean? You were just talking to a whole fleet of them!
Irma Langinstein: I said SINGLE sailor - those guys are all married!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Four Musketurtles (#3.16)" (1989)
Irma Langinstein: [at Mardi Gras] Hi there. I love your costume. I know a villain who wears one just like it.
Shredder: [lifting up Irma, who is wearing a magic gem] And I love what you're wearing - The gem! At last! It's all mine!
Irma Langinstein: [giggling] Oh, please, we've just met. Let's not rush things.
April O'Neil: It's Shredder! Poor Irma doesn't know the danger she's in!
Vernon Fenwick: Poor Irma? How about poor him?
Burne Thompson: Irma, tell that goon to put you down! You're supposed to be working!
Irma Langinstein: [swooning] Forget it, Mr. Thompson. I just quit.
Shredder: Now how do I get out of here?

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Annihilation: Earth! Part 1 (#3.25)" (2015)
[first lines]
Casey Jones: Whoa, that Triceraton sounds so cool. I wish I could have fought a real life dino-dude.
Raphael: Yeah right, that dino-dude would have stomped you into a Casey puddle in five seconds flat!
Casey Jones: Whatever Raph, Casey Jones eats dinosaur meat for breakfast!
April O'Neil: Eww!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Return of the Shredder (#2.1)" (1988)
Michaelangelo: [On TV, April winked at one of the turtles] Right on, babe.
Donatello: She was winking at me you know.
Michaelangelo: You're totally warped, dude. She was winking at me.
Raphael: Get real, you guys it was meant for yours truly.
Leonardo: I hate to argue, fellas, but I think she meant it for me.
April O'Neil: [They all argue] Cool it, fellas! If you must know, I was winking at Splinter.
Michaelangelo: I don't believe that!
Splinter: Age has its advantages.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Croaking (#3.4)" (2014)
Attila the Frog: Humans... saving me?
April O'Neil: Not all humans are evil, Attila. And I'd like to believe not all mutated frogs are evil either.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Never Say Xever (#1.8)" (2012)
April O'Neil: You guys wanna speed it up a little?
Donatello: Are you saying turtles are slow?
Michelangelo: That's a hurtful stereotype!
Leonardo: Trust us, April, we are better off keeping a low profile. We find people treat us better when they don't know we exist.
April O'Neil: Sorry, I'm just so excited to get you out of the sewer for a change.
Raphael: What are you talking about? We go out all the time!
April O'Neil: Yeah, but tonight your gonna do something besides hitting people.
Raphael: [dismayed] Awww...
April O'Neil: Don't worry. You're gonna love this noodle place I found.
Donatello: And you're sure we'll be welcome?
April O'Neil: Oh yeah. Mr. Murakami doesn't care what people look like. In fact, he won't even know what you look like. He's blind!
Michelangelo: Awesome! For us, I mean.

Turtles Forever (2009) (TV)
April O'Neil 1987: Boy, when you guys are out of town, the threats on my life sure do pile up!
[Notices the 2003 Turtles]
April O'Neil 1987: They're eight of you now! Holy scoop!
Donatello: Wait, you're April? Um... what's with the yellow jumpsuit? Do you work at a car-wash in this dimension?
April O'Neil 1987: I'm a reporter, April O'Neil. And you're my ticket to a Peabody!
[pulls out a video camera]
Leonardo 1987: Sorry April, no time for an exclusive. We've got to get these guys to the lair.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Gang's All Here (#3.40)" (1989)
Donatello: [administering the spray to turn the human Michelangelo back into a turtle] Hold still while I spray you with the antidote
Michelangelo: [sees his human hands turn back into his turtle hands] Fantabuloso I'm changing back!
Donatello: Only this time it's permanent
Michelangelo: [completes his transformation] Alright I'm yours truly again!
Raphael: [shaking his hand] Hey Michelangelo how you doing buddy?
April O'Neil: Turtle or human I still think you're the greatest!
[kisses him leaving a lipstick mark on his cheek and causing him to blush]
Leonardo: [jokingly] Careful April you might turn him human again
Michelangelo: No way dude I'm packing shell, being human is totally bogus!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Ever-Burning Fire (#4.13)" (2016)
April O'Neil: [returns Chompy to Tokka] No refunds for baby-sitting!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Shredder Strikes Back: Part 2 (#1.18)" (2003)
April O'Neil: Leo, lean on me.
Leonardo: April, leave me. Get away if you can. This is our fight, not yours.
April O'Neil: Not my fight? Look Leo, we're all family now. I could never run out on you!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Super Bebop & Mighty Rocksteady (#3.27)" (1989)
April O'Neil: [Recovering] I have the feeling we were out.
Irma: Where did we go? And did we meet any cute guys?

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Wrath of Tiger Claw (#2.19)" (2014)
April O'Neil: You wanna do this, Karai? Fine! But I'm warning you, I've been training with Master Splinter big time! And I'm ready to kick your butt!
Karai: I didn't come to fight. I came to talk.
April O'Neil: Oh... Well, I've been trained in that too.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Enter the Rat King (#3.9)" (1989)
Leonardo: [the turtles hear foot steps approaching] Someone's coming get ready
[they run toward the figure with their weapons raised]
Leonardo: [April screams as the turtles approach her] April?
April O'Neil: [the turtles lower their weapons] That's the second time today you guys have done that!
Raphael: And we'll keep on doing it until we get it right!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Within the Woods (#3.1)" (2014)
April O'Neil: Leo!
Leonardo: What the heck is that?
Donatello: It's Raph. Long story. Quick, get us of here!
Leonardo: Yah!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: A Thing About Rats (#1.3)" (1987)
Raphael: [knocks on April's door and she answers in a bathrobe] Could we interest you in a subscription to "Turtles Home Companion"?
April O'Neil: Oh no! What are you guys doing here? How did you get here? Did anyone see you come in?
Raphael: Is there a special order you want those questions answered in?

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Fungus Humungous (#2.10)" (2014)
April O'Neil: So, what's with the mask? I mean, it's not like the turtles don't know who you are.
Casey Jones: Same reason people have worn masks throughout history... Cause it looks cool.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Burne's Blues (#3.7)" (1989)
Shredder: [after he has sent a rocket after the turtles] Well Miss O'Neil I hope you're not counting on the turtles saving you this time
Shredder: by now they're nothing but chunks of turtle meat splattered on the sewer walls!
[April gives him a disgusted look]
Rocksteady: [to April] Yeah pretty gross huh?
April O'Neil: Shredder you're fiendishly inhuman!
Shredder: Thank you!
Raphael: [imitating a flight attendant] Please take your seats, we will be experiencing some turbulence
Shredder: What?
Raphael: Thank you for riding super side airlines

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Invasion: Part 1 (#2.25)" (2014)
April O'Neil: This is so messed up! My best friend for the past year was a Kraang?
Kraang Sub-Prime: Fooled you! Fooled you all!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: A Foot Too Big (#3.2)" (2014)
Donatello: Hey, April.
April O'Neil: What's up, Donnie?
Donatello: I, um, well, I-I just wanted to let you know I won't be bothering you with music boxes anymore. I get it now: Donnie is to April as Bigfoot was to Donnie. I'm just... a mutant...
April O'Neil: You're not just a mutant, Donnie: you're my mutant
[kisses him]
April O'Neil: .
Donatello: [still in shock from the kiss] ... I understand... nothing...

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Plan 10 (#2.21)" (2014)
Casey Jones: [in April's body] Cool.
April O'Neil: [in Casey;s body] Stop pinching your own butt, Casey!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Maltese Hamster (#3.4)" (1989)
April O'Neil: How much is that hamster in the window?
Raphael: How come I get the feeling that song won't make the top 40?

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The King (#1.16)" (2003)
[Donatello and Michelangelo gorge themselves on food]
April O'Neil: I feel like I just went from happy single to mother of four overnight.
Splinter: Tell me about it.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles on the Orient Express (#4.11)" (1990)
April O'Neil: [comes across Shredder disguised as a conductor] I'm April O'Neil Channel 6 News from the United States, do you mind if we interview you?
Shredder: Uh, some other time, go away!
April O'Neil: We'd like to know why you didn't stop at Vienna
[notices Bebop and Rocksteady's feet sticking out of the sheet they are hiding under]
April O'Neil: [thinking to herself] I recognize those ugly legs anywhere Bebop and Rocksteady!
[now recognizing Shredder]
April O'Neil: Ha, ha, that's alright I can see you're busy
[she and Irma start to leave]
April O'Neil: Come on Irma
Irma Langinstein: Oh let me just get a nice shot of the two of you
[accidentally bumps into the sheet]
Bebop: [from under the sheet] Ow, that hurt my stomach!
Irma Langinstein: [screams] Mutants!
Shredder: Seize them!
[Bebop chases then grabs them]
Bebop: Gotcha!
April O'Neil: Let go of me you big ugly, bug ridden, half witted creep!
Bebop: Aw I ain't no creep!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Great Boldini (#3.38)" (1989)
Sgt. Sean O'Tharity: [confronting April and the turtles] Hold it right there you wretched blarney devils!
Raphael: [confused] Wretched what?
Sgt. Sean O'Tharity: I knew you'd return to the scene of the crime, I'm arresting the lot of ya, Miss O'Neil I only hope you're here against your will, you're too pretty a lass to mixed up with the likes of these
April O'Neil: Sergeant you've got to believe me the turtles did not steal the tortellini emerald, if you let them go they'll capture the ones who did
Leonardo: Sergeant give us an hour, if we can't catch those crooks we'll turn ourselves in
Sgt. Sean O'Tharity: If Lt. Brodsky knew I let you get away again he'd... you've got one hour!
April O'Neil: Thanks Sargent
[kisses him, O'Tharity then blushes]

"How It Should Have Ended: How Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Should Have Ended (#10.6)" (2015)
Spider-Man: Okay, this is just crazy: you have a villain releasing toxins on a tower, and a wealthy business owner stealing your blood. Well, check this: my father was a scientist, he mysteriously died, but it was later revealed that he was killed after uncovering an evil plot by the company he worked for! Do you Turtles have anyone with that backstory?
April O'Neil: Hello!
Spider-Man: WHAT? Seriously?
Donatello: This is a plagiaristic monstrosity, we're totally copying the adventures of Spider-Man!
Raphael: Yeah, and not even the good ones...