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Quotes for
Garfield (Character)
from "Garfield and Friends" (1988)

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Garfield (2004)
Garfield: Another day ruined.
[on seeing Odie bringing Jon's paper in for him]
Garfield: Oh, you little suck-up!

Liz: There's nothing wrong with Garfield. He's just a happy, fat, lazy cat.
Garfield: No need for a second opinion.

[Garfield shoves Odie off a chair]
Garfield: Down, dumb dog!
[Odie jumps on Garfield's chair again]
Garfield: Whoa... what part of "no" don't you understand? The push-off-the-chair?
[pushes Odie off the chair]
Garfield: Off! I don't wanna play!
[Odie jumps on Garfield's chair one more time]
Garfield: Look, what am I supposed to say? Thanks, for saving my hide with Luca? Okay, thanks for saving my hide with Luca.
[pushes Odie off the chair]
Garfield: Get off!

[Jon slips on a purple ball]
Garfield: There's my ball.

Garfield: Once again, my life has been saved by the miracle of lasagna.

Garfield: [Odie throws a pillow at him] oooooohhhhhh... that was a cheap shot
[walks up to odie with the pillow]
Garfield: [gesturing to the pillow] hey, I saw this and I thought... pretty sure it was your...
Garfield: [hits odie] oh, I love to dish it out!

Garfield: [Garfield is pigging out on flavor blasted Goldfish and then he burps] Ah, and that's a sign that the tank is full.

[first lines]
Garfield: I hate Mondays.

Garfield: Oh, Sleeping Beauty, wake up. You can stop dreaming about me, because I'm here. Now just wake up. You got work to do. You're not just my owner, you're my primary caregiver. Now be a...
Jon Arbuckle: Not now, Garfield.
[Wraps arm around Garfield]
Garfield: [choking] Get- A- Ah- Just- All right. Cut the sweet stuff. Easy now. Just-
[breaks free]
Garfield: Trying to cuddle with me, huh? Trying to avoid your duties, eh? Well, that just ain't gonna fly! It isn't gonna work with me. See, I'm getting my exercise, doin' my job. Just one quick CANNONBALL!
[jumps from TV and hits Jon in the stomach]
Garfield: Morning.
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield!

Garfield: Houston! we have a problem! Odie, get off the pail. Would you get off the pail, please? Alright, time for a new game. It's called "My Claw In Your Butt" game! Come on! Get back here! I'll just use my left claw! If my legs were longer I would have caught you by now! Come back here! Just a second.
Garfield: Slow... down...

Garfield: Jon! Jon! Odie is on TV, and he's wearing liederhosen!

Jon Arbuckle: What am I gonna do with you?
Garfield: Love me, feed me, never leave me.

Garfield: I think... I'm going to blow cat chow chunks.

Garfield: [to mouse after spitting him out] Have you tasted yourself lately?
Louis: Hey, it wasn't exactly the first-class lounge in there for me, either.
Garfield: Get yourself lost, Louis. Take a powder for a couple days, get a haircut, and grow a beard.
Louis: Cool. I owe you one, G.

Garfield: So much time, and so little... I need to do.

Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, did you eat all four boxes of lasagna?
Garfield: [hiccups] It's not my fault. They started it.

Garfield: OK, here's the drill. Cats, scratch like you never scratched before. Dogs, bite but don't chew, and rats, see if you can get that pretty necklace around his neck.
[cats & dogs start growling, and rats start squeaking]
Garfield: Canines, felines, and 'vermines', it's showtime!

Garfield: I love the smell of Cinnamon Apple in the morning. It smells like victory.

Jon Arbuckle: [a mouse runs by] Mouse!
Garfield: No thanks, I'm full.
[mouse runs away]
Jon Arbuckle: Get him Garfield!
Garfield: [looks at mouse then back at Jon] Get him Jon.

Garfield: Huh? That's his last name, Schnitzel?

Garfield: [after seeing Jon baby talk Odie] Yeah, wish me luck with the nightmares.

Garfield: I can do this. Beyond this intersection is just another intersection, and another, and another. On the other hand, I wonder if there's any meatloaf left in the fridge. No, now is not the time for a plate of meatloaf. Now is the time for a plate of courage. Ladies and gentlemen, Garfield has left the cul-de-sac!

Arlene: Garfield, are you alright?
Garfield: I think so. Luca's about to have Odie for lunch.
Arlene: If it wasn't for Odie, you'd be Luca's chew toy.
Nermal: Yeah, he saved your life. Odie's a hero!
Garfield: Why, because I wasn't ripped to shreds? No. Odie's an imbecile until further notice.

Garfield: Jon, you had me a chick magnet, and now you got a tick magnet!
Nermal: Garfield, Jon brought a dog home.
Garfield: I'm aware, Nermal.
Nermal: Why would he do a thing like that?
Garfield: Gee, I don't know, Nermal.
Nermal: Well it just sounds like a weird thing to do, bringing a dog into a house that already has a cat.
Garfield: Can we drop it? I mean it's no big deal. It's just a splattered bug on the windshield of my life.
Nermal: A... bug?
Garfield: A dim-witted, smelly, goofy... splattered bug that I will deal with properly and enthusiastically.
Jon Arbuckle: [to Odie] Come on, boy!
Garfield: As you can see, I'm still Jon's favorite.
Nermal: See you later, Garfield! Good luck with the bug thing!

Nermal: Garfield, Jon's taking Odie on his date with Liz and he's leaving you behind.
Garfield: I know, Nermal.
Nermal: They're off on an adventure and you're still here.
Garfield: And your point is...?
Nermal: Well, that's gotta feel bad, being left by Jon while he takes Odie out, it's like... you're not his favorite anymore!
Garfield: Hey, what do you say we play brain surgeon? Would you go get my power tools? Hmm...
[Garfield sees the truck leaving the house]
Garfield: This is so sad. Jon has completely lost his mind. He doesn't realize how important I am to him.

Garfield: Why, why has this happened? I was the one... it was all about me. Not about some... stupid, sniffling, smelly, high-maintenance... *disco dog!*

Garfield: You just can't do this, Jon. He's trying to tear us apart, don't you see that? You know me. I'm too lazy to try to destroy your house. I was provoked, pushed, prodded, driven mad. You can't kick me out of my own house like I'm some kind of animal!
[Jon closes the door]
Garfield: [scratches the door] Oh come on, Jon. Jon! You know I'm scared of the dark.

Garfield: Sure, Jon. I'll eat all your lasagna for you.

Luca: Hey, what are you looking at?
Garfield: Nothing. Just looking for some company.
Nermal: Keep walking, creepo.
Garfield: What's going on?
Arlene: We know how much you hated Odie. We know how much you wanted him gone.
Garfield: Wait a minute. All I wanted was to sleep in my own bed.
Arlene: And to do it, you cast Odie out into the cold, cruel world?
Nermal: We saw you locked Odie out last night!
Garfield: Gee, I don't believe you guys. I didn't know Odie was gonna run away. He's a dumb dog. No offense, Luca.
Luca: Uh... what?
Garfield: You can't blame me for that.
Nermal: Any one of us could be next.
Arlene: Yeah. There's no room for anybody else in Garfield's world.
Garfield: [after being left alone by Luca, Arlene and Nermal] Oh that was a little traumatic. Well maybe I've been a little... tough in protecting my turf, but, um... I don't hate the guy.

Garfield: Poor Odie. He faces a life of torture, neglect and degradation... Hey, nobody gets to mistreat my dog like that except me!

Persnikitty: Will you please keep quiet? God, god! Oh, this really is too much.
Garfield: Hey, Persnikitty! Happy Chapman's cat! What are you doing here?
Persnikitty: I was his cat, until I outlived my purpose. And then he replaced me with a dog and dumped me in this wretched place. All humans are the same.
Garfield: Not my owner. He only does what's best for me. He puts up with me and he feeds me.
Persnikitty: And he lets you vacation in this charming animal pound. Hello.
Garfield: Not for long, Persnikitty.
Persnikitty: Would you please just stop calling me that? My name isn't really Persnikitty. It's Sir Roland.
Garfield: Sir Roland.
Persnikitty: Yeah, that's another one of Happy Chapman's acts of cruelty. I was trained in a classical theater, you know, mm-hmm. But now I'm a celebrity cable castoff cat, with a name I can never live down.
Garfield: Well this may hurt a little, but, I'm trying to rescue the dog that replaced you, Persnikitty... I mean, Roland. Happy and Odie are getting on a train in less than two hours, to become regulars on Good Day New York.
Spanky: Wait a minute. Did I just hear that? You're a cat that's trying to rescue a dog?
Garfield: It's true, I know, it's a crime against nature. At first I thought he was a pain but, he's grown on me like a wart you wanna have removed until you realized it defines you in some funny way.
Persnikitty: You know what, that is absolutely charming.
Spanky: Let me ask you one question, chubby. What are you talking about?
Garfield: How could you understand? He's my friend.

Garfield: Let me tell you something, Happy. To you, Odie might be just a dumb, stupid, smelly dog. But to me,
[Odie barks twice]
Garfield: he's all that and much more. He's my friend.
Garfield: [to Odie] Odie, try something else. Maybe there's a game on.
[Odie presses a button on the remote and a shock causes Happy to do a backflip]

Garfield: Yeah, just one big, happy family.
[notices Odie with him on his chair]
Garfield: Yeah, right. Hit the floor.
[pushes Odie off his chair]
Garfield: No, come on, seriously, you can come up. Come here, buddy, come up.
[Odie climbs on Garfield's chair]
Garfield: Down you go.
Garfield: [pushes Odie off his chair again]
Garfield: We just hit it off so great because we both love the same thing and that is...
[Odie climbs on Garfield's chair one more time and Garfield pushes him off again]
Garfield: me.

Garfield: I've found that if you wait long enough, everything comes to you.

Garfield: [drinking from a bottle of milk] Come to papa, baby!

Garfield: [to his teddy bear] Pookie, cover me. I'm going in.

Luca: You're on the wrong side of the street, fat cat. Beat it!
Garfield: And you, Luca. You're on the wrong side of the evolutionary curve.

Luca: You're gonna' get it good today.
Garfield: I make it a point to get it good, everyday.

Garfield: [watching Jon go after a mouse] Its always got to be smashing and crashing. Nobody poisons anymore.

Garfield: [to Jon] I know you can't hear me, but can't you just listen?

Garfield: [talking about Jon to Louis] When he sees you he expects more from me.

Liz: You care about him, more than any owner I've ever known.
Garfield: Him has a name. Is this an HMO?

Jon Arbuckle: [Liz] She is so beautiful.
Garfield: Uh, Mr Pathetic. You've had a crush on her since high school. Would you please ask her out so she can reject you and we can get on with my life?

Garfield: [to the animals at the vet's] Don't cry, I know what's it like to be unloved. Well, you do.

Garfield: [at the vet's] Garfield is leaving the building.

Garfield: [to Jon] You went in there to get a date and came out with a dog. That's bad even for you.

Garfield: [Odie] Jon, its not too late. Quickly, turn around, before he finds out where we live! Please, take this trouser snooper back!

Garfield: [Jon, showing Odie the house] Why don't you draw him a map?

Garfield: I don't leave the cul-de-sac for anything.

Garfield: [Odie's in his car seat] Hey, I ride shotgun.

Garfield: [Odie licks Garfield] Oh, great! Dog coodies! Somebody innoculate me, please?

Garfield: I just need a little quality time with man's real best friend, television.

Luca: [Garfield is on Luca's lawn and Luca's off his chain] Oh, I've been waiting years for this.
Garfield: Would that be regular years, or dog years?

Garfield: [Odie] Luca, do me a favor and eat him for me, please?

Garfield: [Garfield and Odie are dancing] I'm walking the dog. You probably should have practiced in the garage before you stepped up to someone of my level.

[repeated line]
Garfield: Oh, my poor nose!

Garfield: [after Garfield banged his nose] Maybe I'll get a CAT scan. A CAT scan?

Garfield: I'll purr like a Ferrari. Make that a Jaguar.

Garfield: [singing] I'm in a New Dog State of Mind.

Garfield: I'll make it up to Odie tomorrow. I'll teach him how to drink out of the toilet.

Garfield: [to Jon] Hey, tall dark and human? What's for breakfast?

Garfield: [Odie's run away] Maybe he's fetching the paper for the neighbors?

Garfield: I'd say the refrigerator is unguarded.

Garfield: [Odie] How can this dog be such a problem when he's not even here anymore?

Garfield: Jon, you're denser than ever!

Garfield: [seeing a bus] Oh, taxi. Step on it, will you driver?

Garfield: [to a family of rats] Why am I being surrounded here? Some of my best friends are vermin.

Garfield: [to a family of rats] Good luck with the plague and rabies and everything.

Garfield: If I didn't have a box over my head, I'd be humiliated.

Garfield: [seeing the real Telegraph Tower] It looks much smaller on the box.

Garfield: [feeling a breeze in the air ducts] That wasn't my stomach, was it?

Garfield: This rescue thing is exhausting. When do heroes get to eat?

Garfield: [to Odie] We kinda got off on the wrong paw.

Garfield: [after Garfield's been netted by animal control and sees the captive Odie with Happy Chapman] Hey, McGillicuddy. There's an animal felony happening right there behind you.

Garfield: [after being captured by animal control] I have tags, I just left them in my other fur.

Louis: [from a deleted scene when Garfield and Louis use a hot dog vendor's cart to get near Telegraph Tower] Meals on wheels.
Garfield: Don't let anybody see us jumping out; we'd ruin this guy's business.

Garfield: [a deleted portion of Garfield thanking Sir Roland/Persnikitty for helping him escape from the pound] Hey, they could have used you in Alcatraz. I just wanted to say, thanks Your Majesty. And break a leg.

Garfield: [from a deleted scene at the train station where Garfield is looking for Happy Chapman] Now if I were going by train, where would I be. Yeah, the dining cart.

Garfield: [from a deleted scene on the train after Garfield is still dazed from being knocked out by Happy Chapman] Um, Mom? Is that you?
Spanky: I had to see it with my own eyes. A cat saving a dog.
Persnikitty: All for one and one for all.
Garfield: Sir Roland?
Persnikitty: In the fur.
Garfield: What are you guys all doing here? Are you traveling today too?
Spanky: We've been following your scent since the pound.
Garfield: [still dazed] What are you guys all doing here?
Persnikitty: We're here to help.
Dad Rat: [to Garfield] Well, well, well. We meet again.
Mom Rat: I say we eat the fat, arrogant fool.
Garfield: No, no, please let me live!
Louis: [Happy Chapman] Not you, Garfield. Chrome dome over there.

Garfield: Beep, beep. Cat coming through. Beep, beep. Going through the tunnel
[slides through a lady's legs and makes a sound like a car]
Garfield: . I just had to do that!

Train station computer.: Collision in 20 seconds.
Garfield: Gosh, you sound like my mother.

Garfield: [Odie] I think I recognise that whine.

Garfield: [Odie in a cage on the train] These are the kind of seats you get when you book at the last minute.

Garfield: [to Odie] Can we slow down? I've been doing this running thing all day and I am over it.

Garfield: I'm banged in the nose again.

Garfield: Sir Roland?
Persnikitty: In the fur.

Garfield: [before zapping Happy Chapman with the shock collar] Odie, would you mind sharing the remote, please? Every dog has his day, Happy.

Happy Chapman: [to Garfield] Nice kitty.
Garfield: Let's see what's on the news.
[zaps Happy Chapman with the shock collar]

Garfield: [to Odie after beating Happy Chapman] Strong finish, little buddy.

Garfield: [after being reunited with Jon and Liz] You had me at hello.

Garfield: [Nermal, Arlene and Luca are congratulating Garfield for rescuing Odie] Its nice to be recognized by your peers.

[last lines]
Garfield: [Garfield does the splits and can't get up] Oops. Hey Odie, help me. I can't get up. Oh my friend, bring me some ice. Will you hurry up you dumb dog? I'm in pain.

Garfield: [from a deleted scene]
[to Arlene]
Garfield: Well, hello.
Luca: [to himself] Garfield, always working the angles. Thinks he's so slick.
Garfield: [to Arlene] If you have any itches, I'm available for a scratch.
Arlene: Go play in traffic.
Garfield: Alone? Come on, Arlene. I'm a simple cat. All I want is shelter, lasagna and to be loved, for maybe five times a day.
Arlene: Hah! Not in my nine lives.
Luca: In your face, Garfield.
Garfield: Come on Arlene...
[sees a pie on a windowsill]
Garfield: Oh baby, you smell so good.
Arlene: You think I'm gonna fall for a line like that?
Garfield: I can already taste you from here, my love, my desire. I worship you. I dream of you. I'm humbled, and crumbled in your presence.
Arlene: Garfield, I didn't realise your feelings ran so deep.
Garfield: Oh uh... excuse me, baby. Could you wait right here until after I finish my lunch?
Arlene: Huh? Oh, Garfield. You're impossible.

Garfield: [a deleted portion from Garfield and Odie's dance] Walk the porch. I'm walking the dog.

Garfield: Madam, I'm a cat in trouble. I'm hitching a ride in your mumu.

Garfield: I slept like a fat cat.

Garfield: [Jon] Schmuck!

Garfield: Muscle weighs more than fat.

Garfield: [from a deleted scene when Garfield decides to rescue Odie] I could bring him back. Then everyone will know I'm not the insensitive, self-involved, egomaniacal...
[sees his reflection]
Garfield: Owooo, looking good.

Garfield: [a train station] Its just a trainset, only bigger.

Garfield: If it isn't Unhappy Chappy.

Garfield: [Happy Chapman produces the shock collar] Nice accessory, but I don't think I want to play dress-up with you, pal.

Garfield: [Falls through the window and falls into the lasagne truck] Once again, saved by the miracle of... Lasagne.

Garfield in Paradise (1986) (TV)
[a stewardess meets Jon and Garfield boarding the plane]
Stewardess: [to Jon] Welcome to Inversion Layer Airlines, sir. In what section are you traveling?
Jon Arbuckle: [mumbling; almost incoherent] Third class.
Stewardess: What section, sir?
Jon Arbuckle: [clears throat; whispering] Third class.
Stewardess: I can't hear you.
Jon Arbuckle: [shouting] Third class!
Stewardess: Oh... you're seated at the rear of the plane with the rest of the slime!
Jon Arbuckle: [dejected; sighs] Thank you.
[Jon and Garfield head down the aisle toward the back of the plane]
Jon Arbuckle: Why can't I get any respect, Garfield?
Garfield: When you travel, you must pay for respect, my friend.

Jon Arbuckle: Hello, Paradise World!
Jon Arbuckle: Just smell that fresh air, Garfield.
Garfield: [sniffs] That's jet fuel, you dummy!
Jon Arbuckle: Well, the next item of business is to get our luggage.
[their luggage is thrown out of the plane, landing next to Garfield]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey, that's service for you!
Garfield: Jon, you'd look on the bright side of a train wreck! That was no service, that was assault and battery on our suitcases!
[buries his face in his hand]
Garfield: I should never have packed my crystal mouse collection!

Jon Arbuckle: This vacation isn't working out *exactly* the way I hoped it would.
Garfield: A masterfully understated observation, especially when you consider it's coming from a total idiot!

Jon Arbuckle: [Garfield comes floating by on the water] How do you do that, Garfield?
Garfield: Easy. Fat floats.

[the boys decide to visit the local car rental shop]
Salesman: [jumping up from behind the counter] Yeeeeeeees?
Jon Arbuckle: [noticing the resemblance to the motel owner] You look familiar.
Salesman: I have a brother in the motel business.
Garfield: [looking around] Racket is more like it!

Jon Arbuckle: Odie, you sly dog you! You stowed away in my suitcase.
[patting Odie on his head]
Jon Arbuckle: What a happy surprise!
[Odie licks him]
Garfield: You won't be so happy when you see what Odie did to your sport jacket.

Jon Arbuckle: You know the rules, Garfield: they don't allow pets in the seats. I had to dress you up as my son, or you wouldn't have come on our vacation.
Garfield: What am I, a piece of luggage?
[holds up his tail]
Garfield: What's this, a handle? If that's the way you feel about it, why didn't you just stick a stamp on my face, cancel my bottom, and mail me to Paradise World?

Jon Arbuckle: [singing] I love the beach!
Garfield: [singing] I love the beach!
Jon Arbuckle: I love the beach!
Garfield: I love the beach!
Jon Arbuckle: Beauty and the beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeach!

Jon Arbuckle: [lying on the diving board at first, then springing up] Hey, wait a minute! We control our own destinies, don't we?
Odie: Hm?
Garfield: That's debatable.
Jon Arbuckle: This is an island, right? There has to be some beach out there somewhere, right? We'll go rent a car, and drive until we find some fun in the sun! Right, guys!
Garfield: Rrright!
Odie: Right!
Jon Arbuckle: [leaping a little on the diving board] Then let's do it!
[the diving board snaps off, and Jon falls into the empty pool with a crash]
Garfield: Right! We'll do it right after his bones knit!

Jon Arbuckle: [as he and Garfield watch Owooda and Mai-Tai walk toward the volcano] I can't believe she's doing this!
Garfield: Well, better her than us.

[Odie has stowed away in Jon's suitcase]
Garfield: Well, this is just ducky.
[Odie licks Garfield's face]
Garfield: One minute, I'm sitting happily at home minding my own business, next thing I know, I'm traveling third class with a fourth-class owner to a fifth-class motel to sleep with a *sixth*-class mutt.

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield, have you seen Odie?
Garfield: Yeah, I buried him in the sand, but only up to his ankles.
[shows Odie buried upside-down in the sand, his feet sticking up]

Garfield: [after Monkey and Odie are rescued from the volcano; last lines] To the village, Jon. I love happy endings. Why don't we do this again next year?

Garfield: [after Jon turns on the car radio] Somehow I knew it would be playing that music. Why, this could be fun yet! To the beach, Jon!

Jon Arbuckle: [after he, Garfield, and Odie drive into a tribal village; they stare in horror] What do you think of this, Garfield?
Garfield: I don't know. And if I did know, I don't think I'd wanna know.

Chief: [as he and the rest of the tribe stand at the edge of the volcano after Monkey and Odie drive the car into it] Aw, Monkey, you big lug, why'd you have to do that, you crazy galoot? You could've just shoved the car in.
Garfield: So long, Odie. It's a shame it had to end this way. We didn't even get to say goodbye. Gonna miss ya, fella.

[first lines]
Jon Arbuckle: [boarding the plane] Paradise World, here we come! Isn't this exciting, Garfield? C'mon, let's find our seats!
Garfield: I'm not going.
Jon Arbuckle: [impatiently] Will you come on?
[Garfield boards the plane, dressed as a human; he does not look happy]
Garfield: I've never been so humiliated in my life.

Jon Arbuckle: I think you'll enjoy flying, Garfield. It's a very smooth and comfortable way to travel.
Garfield: [holding up an airsick bag] Then what are these little sacks for, the Easter egg hunt?

Garfield: [on the plane] I'd like flying better if I could keep one paw on the ground.
[suddenly sniffs the air]
Garfield: What's that?
Garfield: Sounds like a wind cable fraying!
[sniffs the air]
Garfield: Smoke! I smell smoke! Smoke! We're going down in flames!
Jon Arbuckle: [gesturing out the window] Relax, Garfield, we haven't even taken off yet.
Garfield: Great, cats and children first!
[he tries to flee, but Jon grabs him and sits him back]

Jon Arbuckle: [as he and Garfield trudge down the hall to their motel room] This isn't exactly what I bargained for.
Garfield: Oh, you bargained for it, all right.

Jon Arbuckle: As long as we're up, we might as well unpack.
Garfield: Unpacking sounds so final. We're really going through this vacation, huh?

Garfield: Hey, Jon, let's blow this scene; it's too warm here on the beach.
Jon Arbuckle: You don't wanna leave already, do you? We just got here.
Garfield: Fix yourself in my shoes. You'd be warm, too, if you wore a fur coat to the beach. Let's do some cruisin'.
Jon Arbuckle: [as Garfield and Odie tickle him] Okay, okay, we'll leave.

Jon Arbuckle: There's the bed and the bathroom's down the hall. Any questions?
Garfield: Yeah. Where're you gonna sleep?

Jon Arbuckle: Well, time's wasting. Come on guys, let's hit the pool!
Garfield: I can't wait. Oh when will this mad whirlwind existence ever stop?

Garfield: [in his dream, after he is introduced as Garfield Ho] Thank you, Lenny, I love you, now get outta here.
[Lenny exits]
Garfield: It's so *great* to be back in Hawaii!

Garfield: [in his dream as Garfield Ho] I love you, teachers, so for my first song I'd like to sing something from my latest album, "The Best of Garfield Ho". It goes something like this, Lenny, if you please.

Garfield: [in his dream, after he sings "Hello Hawaii"] Very well, I'll step among you and allow myself to be adored.

Stewardess: [as Garfield and Jon's plane takes off] The captain has advised that the "fasten seat belt" sign be observed in case some slight air turbulence is encountered.
Garfield: Whoever said, "Getting there is half the fun," should be drug out into the street and shot!

Garfield: [after Garfield sings "Hello Hawaii" in his dream, Odie appears onstage dressed as an old lady and licks Garfield repeatedly] Ooh, yuck! Where'd she come from? Back off, lady! Let go of me! Don't touch me! Let me aside...

Monkey: [racing the car up the volcano with Odie on the hood] Go, baby! Gooooo!
Garfield: [looking on] Jump off, Odie! Jump off!

Garfield: Sounds like a dippy place to me. If Jon weren't such a cheapskate, we'd be going to Hawaii right now. I'd rather be going to Hawaii. I'm a Hawaii-type kind of cat.

Jon Arbuckle: [sighs] I've never seen anything so beautiful in all my life.
Owooda: [sighs] Why, thank you, Jon.
Garfield: [mimicking Owooda; sighing] Why, thank you, Jon.

Mai-Tai: Oh, hello, Garfield. Do you surf?
Garfield: No.
Mai-Tai: Well, do you dance?
Garfield: No.
Mai-Tai: Do you play volleyball?
Garfield: No.
Mai-Tai: Wha-well, then what do you do?
Garfield: Oh, eating and sleeping holds a great deal of fascination for me.

Garfield: His 9 Lives (1988) (TV)
Garfield: I'd like to think I'll live forever, but hey, I'm only human. Here's a sneak preview of my ninth life.

Garfield's Mom: [to the cook] No, you can't take him! He's too young.
Garfield: Aw, come on Mom, I'm a big boy; I'm five minutes old now. Besides, I'm getting tired of hanging around the house all the time.

Garfield: In my seventh life, I was a laboratory animal. To this day, every time I see a test tube, I throw up.

Garfield: My third life was my favorite. My body grew old, but I never, never, never grew up.

Garfield: I learned to think on my feet in my fourth life. Thinking was all right, I guess, but now I avoid it whenever possible.

Garfield: [as Cave Cat] Who Big Bob?
Caveman: Big Bob big! Big Bob bad! Big Bob go
Caveman: whoomp whoomp whoomp! *Fear* Big Bob!

Garfield: [about Odie] That's not a dog! That's a tongue with eyeballs! Feet! It's as though I know Odie from a former life. A bad one.

Garfield's Mother: Welcome to the world, little fella. I think I'll call you Garfield.
[Garfield emerges from the covers]
Garfield: I'm hungry. Where are we, Mom?
Garfield's Mother: In the kitchen of an Italian restaurant.
Garfield: Are Italians good to eat?
[crawls out of his box]
Garfield: Oomph!
Garfield's Mother: [chuckling] You have a lot to learn, Garfield.

Garfield: Garfield the newborn kitten is getting ready to rub up against his first leg. On my mark, get set, rub up!

Garfield: My survival sounds like a job for O. D. I. E., my Operations Data Index Element. It's the smartest machine in the galaxy.

Garfield: 2,000 BC was a good year to be a cat in Egypt. We were revered, even worshipped. Ah, for the good ole days...

Garfield: Six must be my lucky number, because that was the life when I fell in love with music. I also fell in love with the girl who played the piano just for me.

Garfield: All that I ever was made me what I am in my eighth life. Somehow, it's fallen short of my expectations.

Garfield: Giddy-up, you doggies! Time's wastin'!

Garfield: Commander Mendelsen? Commander Mendelsen, are you there?
Mendelsen: You have three minutes.
Garfield: What happened to *four* minutes?
Mendelsen: Well, I uh...
Garfield: You *what*?
Mendelsen: I had to go to the little - boys' room.
Garfield: I have a surprise for you, Commander. Take this!

Garfield: In my first life, I formulated many of my likes and dislikes. I disliked my rock bed. On the other hand, you wouldn't believe the size of the pterodon drumsticks.

Garfield: The year is 1720. I'm the cat of the court musician to King George I. My owner's a fellow named George Frederich Handel. I sit around and watch Freddy write music for George's dinner parties. Freddy's putting the finishing touches on a fugue for a big bash tonight.

Garfield: [seeing a stick of dynamite Blackbart tossed to the ground, then picking it up] Huh? Wonder what this is?
[tossing it away]
Garfield: Oh well, whatever it is, it probably hasn't been invented yet.
[dynamite explodes, then some smoke drifts by]
Garfield: Then again, what do I know?

Garfield: [gazing in amazement at a myriad of pasta dishes on the table] Pasta! Infinite mountains of pasta!

Garfield: [after Handel's concerto performance] After that night, they never wrote any more music. Had I stuck with it, there would have been the recording contracts, the concerts, the agents, the managers, the roadies, the groupies, it sounded like a lot of work to me.

Garfield: You know, guys, what if we built a *cube* instead of a pyramid?
Pyramid Builders: [grumble in disagreement]
Garfield: Okay, okay! Big babies.

Garfield: Foom? Foom!
Garfield: Meow. Meow! Meow! Yow, yeow, yow...

Garfield: Life No. 5 was short.
Cameraman: Hey, cat, you're wanted on the set.
Garfield: I'll be right back.

Jon: [lamely] You called, master?
Garfield: Ain't life great?
Jon: I assume you would like to have lunch now.
Garfield: Yes, and I desire a picnic on the lawn.
Jon: You want what?
Garfield: [pointing to his lips] Read my lips, Jon, I wanna eat outside today.
Jon: [leaving] Very well, sir.
Garfield: It's hard to find good help.

Garfield: [as the pyramid builders grovel before him] Did I ever tell you I love it when you grovel? Okay, okay, enough adoration. Back to work!
[cracks his whip as the builders rush back to building the pyramids]

Garfield: Space. One thing to be said about space: sure is a lot of it out there. So what do you do with space? You can take part in grand intergalactic battles and encompass old solar systems. Or you can bravely forge new worlds of exploration by traveling through uncharted territory. Or you can get lost. Me? I'm lost. Finding out where the heck I am is still secondary, though. What I want to know is - why am I here?

Garfield: [seeing a fleet of giant shark-like heads outside his spaceship] Uh-oh...
Mendelsen: Hey, you! Kitty cat!
Garfield: What? Who?
Mendelsen: I am Commander Mendelsen, leader of the Incredibly Huge Galactic War Fleet, the IHGWF for short. We do not like you being here! And to show you we mean business, we will atomize your craft in 5 minutes. Any questions? I said, any questions?
Garfield: Only answers, Mac. Here, take this!
[pushes a button to unleash a giant hand with detachable claws]

Garfield: [after he and Junior are locked in the pyramid] All dressed up and no place to go, huh, Junior?
[chuckles briefly]
Garfield: What am I laughing about? I should be conserving oxygen. These crypts are airtight. I only have enough air to last about... let's see, this crypt is about 80 by 40, seems to be a 20 foot ceiling.
[hums as he does some calculations in his head]
Garfield: I'll run out of air in roughly 73 years.

Jon: How are you this morning, Garfield?
Garfield: In a good mood. I let the mail man live.

Garfield: [as Odie leads the other duplicate Odies to the line of Odie-looking drones] Okay Commander, brace yourself. This cat has a thing or two up his sleeve.

Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties (2006)
Jon Arbuckle: Liz, will you marry me?
[shows the ring to Liz]
Liz Wilson: Yes.
[Everyone starts clapping]
Garfield: You know a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's.

Jon Arbuckle: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Garfield, what are you doing?
Garfield: I'm security, pal. Just protecting you from yourself.
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, you've caused enough trouble today. Now you have food, water, and company.
Garfield: [points at Odie] Which one is he?
Jon Arbuckle: Be good.
Garfield: Jon, he's hilarious. Be careful, she's a maneater!
[Jon closes the door]
Garfield: Oh no. He's under her spell.
[Odie still looks for the hamburger in the cabinet]
Garfield: Okay, Odie, I'll give you one small clue... *it's not in there!*

[sees two dogs on a horse-driven cart]
Garfield: Hey, Odie, it's one of those royal corgis.
[also sees the queen on the cart]
Garfield: Hey lady, you got any leftover liver?
[no response from the queen]
Garfield: Ah, stuck-up little punk. Oh, I know she heard it, they had the top down. Odie... Odie?
[Odie starts peeing on a British soldier's foot]
Garfield: D'uh-oh! Odie, no, don't do the ugly American thing!
[soldier looks down at Odie]
Garfield: [running away with Odie from the soldier] The British are coming, the British are coming! Well, you made him crack anyway.

Winston: [End scene, in pool] Great party, sire!
Garfield: Yep. When the going gets tough, the great ones party.

Garfield: [Garfield's round figure prevents him to enter the playhouse, shows signs of struggle] Does this castle make my butt look a little too big?
Winston: [Standing behind Garfield] Fits you like a glove.
Winston: [Garfield strains through the entrance and due to excessive pressure, he emits a fart into Winston's face] Ooh! Blimey.
Garfield: Pardon.
Winston: Well struck, sire. Good tone, smooth finish.
Garfield: Well, you took that in the best spirit, didn't you?

Veterinary Assistant: They're gonna be fine, Jon.
Jon Arbuckle: You know, Garfield's never stayed in a kennel before, so I'm afriad he might have some separation anxiety.
Veterinary Assistant: [assuring] No. He's probably fast asleep in his cage by now.
[in the cage room, Garfield and Odie are in a cage and Garfield shouts while striking the cage door]
[strikes the cage door again]
[shakes the cage door]
[stomps the floor of the cage]
[Garfield shakes the cage door very hard, causing it to swing open with him on it]
Garfield: NEVER MIND!
[Garfield lets go of the cage door and falls to the floor]
Garfield: I just broke out!

Garfield: [jumps onto a table] We gotta put an end to this torture.
[meaning the soft music]
Garfield: Time for a new DJ.
[switches the track to a loud fast-paced song]

Liz Wilson: [to Jon] Don't let Odie out of your sight they might deport him.
Garfield: [very interested] *Deport* Odie? Ooh, I like this country already! Oops...
[the table tips over and the bag and Garfield fall onto the floor]
Garfield: [getting up] OK, I'm gonna need a litterbox, a Room Service manual and the TV remote and, in that order. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my office.
[walks towards the bathroom]
Jon Arbuckle: [looks into his bag and gets surprised that his clothes are gone] Where are my clothes?
Garfield: [in the toilet] Cool. My very own cat tub.
[turns on the buttwasher and turns it back off immediately after being squirted by water]
Garfield: Gol-ly!
[spits some water out]

Garfield: What do they want, blood? I have been eating and sleeping my heart out for these animals. Still not enough. Like I'm as good as a royal cat could be?
[Garfield and Prince start mirror-playing against a bush doorway]
Garfield: [after Prince collapses face first] Aha! I so... knew you weren't me.
Prince: And you must be Garfield.
Garfield: How do you know my name?
Prince: I've lived your life for the past few days. Yes, if ever a man loved a cat, it's your Jon. Return to him, Garfield. Return to your home.
Garfield: Your Highness, you don't have to tell me twice. Bye-bye.

Preston: It's the real Prince. The genuine article.
Prince: Yes, my friends, I have returned to you at this, our darkest hour. So tell me Winston, what exactly is Lord Dargis up to?
Winston: He intends to level our homes and kill us all.
Prince: O... kay. Well, in that case, I decree that we pack our bags and get our scraggy bottoms out of here. Perhaps to the castle next door.
Garfield: [turns to leave] Oh boy.
Nigel: Well, that was inspirational.
Bolero: Brilliant.
McBunny: I am so fired up.
Garfield: [walking back] You know, I believe we can do better.
Preston: I thought you were leaving.
Garfield: Hey. Button the beak, Froot Loops, or I'll stick that thing on backwards. Look, Lord Doofus is just another bully. And what do we do to bullies?
Meenie: Well, generally, we run from them.
Garfield: [confident] No, we don't leave. We stand and we kick royal butt. Trust me, if you beastsssss can bake a two-cheese lasagna, you can beat Dargis.
Preston: Well, do you have a plan, Garfield?
Garfield: Tell you what. For the duration of this battle I would prefer to be called "G-Cat". And *we*...
[indicating Prince]
Garfield: ... have *two* plans.
Prince: [realizing] Oh teamwork.

Garfield: I'm the king of the cul-de-sac. That's what I'm talking about. Jon and I have everything I could ever want. Food in the fridge. Cable and satellite. And don't forget, lasagna. That's right. It's good to be king.

Garfield: This is a huge mistake, Jon. One of your biggest. Don't roam. Stay home. Odie and I are not just going on for the ride.
[Odie runs over Garfield and leaps into the car]
Garfield: [spits out some grass] This is actually an intervention.

Garfield: Hey, Mario Andretti. You're driving on the wrong side of the road, and I've got an entire pie in my stomach.
Smithee: Don't worry, Prince. You'll feel better when we get back to Carlyle.

Garfield: Bus driver, pull it over. I've got a pie belch coming that might break windows.
[burps loudly]
Garfield: Aaahh.
[Smithee stops in front of Carlyle Castle, gets out, and opens the door for Garfield]
Smithee: Come on, Prince.
Garfield: [gets out of the car] Yeah, yeah, I used to be known as Prince, but you can just call me, Ga - r - field.
[awestruck by the castle]
Garfield: Wow. Get a load of this dump.

Garfield: Holy cow. I could hear my footsteps. Mom... Dad... I'm home.
Winston: Your highness!
Garfield: You're talking to me, froggy?
Winston: It's me, your trusty servant, Winston.
Garfield: Hey...
[shows off some fighting moves]
Garfield: Warning, I don't fight fair. I scratch, and I bite.
Winston: It's alright, sire. All is well now, your home.
Garfield: Home? A retirement home, a happy home? So what is this... is this an insane asylum? Am I being kidnapped?
Winston: Ha, ha, ha. Very funny, sire. Your loyal subjects await you. They need to be comforted by your word.
Garfield: Hey... trust me, windbag. There's no way I'm gonna give a speech to a bunch of deranged...
Winston: And then of course, following your words, a royal feast.
Garfield: [interested] I think I'm just gonna do a tight two minutes, see if that will calm 'em down, okay?

Winston: Oyez, oyez. Prince XII has returned.
[ducks trumpet]
Garfield: Thank you windbag, for that flobbering introduction. Hello, everybody!
[animals look in astonishment]
Garfield: Hey, listen up...
[flicks Winston's nose]
Garfield: is this an audience or a landscape? Okay, great to be back here at the palace. I look out, I see a sea of... of dumb barnyard animals. I'm here in your country to break up a romance between the guy who owns the house I live in and a girl who's way out of his league. I know that whatever it is that you have, there's some sort of affliction that produces this glazed look behind your eyes. I hope you defeat it. Wish I could take everybody home with me. Thank you.
[walks away]
Garfield: I killed.
Winston: Very funny, sire. Well done.
Nigel: I didn't realize it was amateur hour.
Eenie: What's up with Prince?
Christophe: Oh, he's on the catnip again.
I, Claudius: Hold on, chaps! Have I got news for you!
McBunny: What's the word, Claudius?
I, Claudius: Dargis is going to bulldoze the barnyard and feed us to the tourists!
Nigel: Let him try. He'll have to deal with these fists of fury first, wouldn't he?
[animals complain]
Winston: Calm yourselves, everyone. We're alright as long as Prince is alive.
McBunny: Well, obviously, that feline is not Prince, you idiots!
Preston: He's not even a cat formerly known as Prince.
[animals argue]
Winston: Wait, he doesn't have to be Prince. He just has to look like him. If he fooled me, he'll fool them.
McBunny: But what's to stop Dargis from getting rid of this cat too?
Winston: McBunny's right. We must protect this cat at all costs. Our fates rely on it.

Garfield: Come, my pumpkin windbag. We're ready to roll.
Winston: Roll? Where to?
Garfield: You know, to the hotel, to Jon.
Winston: Your master? The one who's leaving you for his new wife?
Garfield: He's not leaving me. It's more of a... temporary insanity thing.
Winston: Garfield, your master started a new life. It's time for you to begin yours. Come on, I wanna show you something.

Garfield: Look at this room, for example. How are you gonna liven this place up?
Winston: But sire, this castle is centuries old.
Garfield: It's a museum. It's boring. And you know what's missing when your crib is a museum? It's called fun!
Winston: Fun?
Garfield: It's not that hard, you just need a running start at something. Just... whoa...
Winston: This is gonna end up so badly.
[Garfield slides across the floor and bumps into a table which sends a flower vase falling to the floor]
Garfield: It was already cracked.
Winston: Ha-ha. Nothing escapes you, sire.
Garfield: Yeah, I like the way this feels. You slide, baby. Whoa...
[knocks over a china vase and breaks it]
Garfield: D'uh oh.
Winston: Don't worry about that. That one was cracked as well.
Garfield: [leans against a statue] Oh, I can relax. Oops.
[the statue tips over, knocking down all the other statues in succession]
Dargis: [enters the museum] What the... Oof!
[last statue falls on Dargis]
Dargis: Smithee! Get this thing off me!
Garfield: Oh, let's go try another room.
Winston: Good idea, sire.

Garfield: Careful. That's high-quality American cardboard you're tossing around in there. Beautiful, fellas. Hang the plasma over the slip-and-slide.
Winston: Sire, a word?
Garfield: Jowls, my lad. Guess what your enlightened, all-powerful ruler has brought to the castle.
Preston: Oh, I can't wait to hear this.
Winston: Don't tell me, a Renaissance painting.
Garfield: Foosball, you know, foosball.
Winston: Fo-fo-fo-foosball?
Preston: What do you think this is, a pub?
Garfield: Just because we don't have opposable thumbs, doesn't mean we don't play bargains.
Winston: Yes sire, but I feel your life is in danger.
Garfield: Listen, Winnebago, if I may call you that. When history speaks of me, and she will, I wanna be remembered as the Party Prince.
Winston: As you wish.

Nigel: You chaps know me, I'm no snob, right? But this cat is too much.
Preston: That is an embarrassment to our whole way of life.
Nigel: He's a disgrace to the furry race. "My pillow isn't soft enough, my TV remote won't work..."
Winston: Don't get your knickers in a twist. I know he's a pain in the neck but we just gotta keep him safe till Monday.
[ducks trumpet]
Garfield: Yeah, my loyal and fragrant subjects. Please, thank you. Briefly, I hate Mondays. I hate 'em. Therefore I decree, from this day forward, there will be no more Mondays.
Eenie, Meenie: What?
Garfield: Got it? Today is Tuesday, then. Happy Tuesday, everybody.
Christophe: Yeah, I think he's lost it.
Winston: Like I said, we just gotta keep him safe till Tuesday.

[after being served a plate of Carlyle log]
Garfield: Ugh. Does a Great Dane live here?
Winston: It's your Carlyle log, my lord. A savory of liver and spleen served in a sleeve of sheep's intestines.
Garfield: And... you're supposed to eat it? What is this, Fear Factor? Intestines, spleen?
[pushes the plate away]
Garfield: I'm the king, right?
Winston: Prince, actually.
Garfield: Same difference, I rule. Yes?
Winston: Yes, Your Highness.
Garfield: Great. Well, feed this to the humans, and just bring me a piping hot dish of lasagna. Okay?
Winston: I'll see to it at once, sire.

Garfield: Okay.
[jumps onto the table]
Garfield: Hold it right here, all you animals. What goes on here, Winston?
Winston: We're preparing the royal lasagna, sire. Unless you prefer another dish.
Garfield: Did you say dish? Lasagna's not a dish, windbag. It's a way of life. A state of being one's perfect achievement. What did the Indians serve to the Pilgrims? Lasagna. What did Marie Antoinette scream to the rebel? "Let them eat lasagna." What did Neil Armstrong say when he landed on the moon? "That's one small slice of lasagna." It's not a dish. It's the stuff of dreams. It's the food of the gods. It's what's for lunch.
Winston: Well, it seems we've already mucked it up.
Garfield: You just need a little guidance, that's all.

Garfield: You know what, I've got two words for that guy: you're fired.
Winston: If only it were that simple, sire.

Preston: Hogwash! This cat is mocking us at every turn.
Winston: Preston, calm yourself. He's only doing what's best for us.
Preston: How much longer should we sustain this charade?
[Garfield peeks into the door]
Preston: I can't believe this cat is so stupid as to think he is actually erotic.
Winston: Well, he does. And house cat or not, we need him.
Garfield: Wha - ? House cat?
Winston: Just have a little patience.
Preston: Patience? Fine. Admit it, Winston. This buffoon couldn't groom the paws of a real king.
Garfield: Buffoon?

[after being locked in a dungeon by Dargis]
Garfield: [from inside a sack] You creep!
Dargis: There's more than one way to skin a royal cat!
Garfield: I'm not a royal cat, I'm a self-centered house cat! Wait!
[gets out of the sack and runs to the door]
Garfield: Why, you think I'm gonna crack in here? Uh-uh. No. This is gonna be a treat. I'm finally gonna have some quality alone time. I'm gonna write that novel I've been putting off. I'm gonna learn a couple of foreign languages, I'm gonna start a whole new workout regimen. I'm gonna lose all this. Get myself in top physical condition... thank you! Yeah, I love it here. You've done me an enormous favor. Who's laughing now?
[laughs timidly]

Garfield: And there's the time I got hit by that car,
[scratches a line on the wall]
Garfield: and the time I ate that six-day-old halibut.
[scratches another line on the wall]
Garfield: That's only seven lives. I got two more. I'm gonna get out of this.
[a rock falls, creating a hole in the wall]
Garfield: Bingo.
I, Claudius: [pokes his head through the hole] Winston and I have come to your rescue.
Garfield: Took you long enough. What, did you finally hear my stomach growl?
I, Claudius: [enters the dungeon] No, but we heard your tiresome monologue. Bad halibut indeed.
[a rock moves, revealing an escape path from the dungeon]
Winston: Let's get you out of here, your royal highness.
Garfield: Winster.
Winston: The solicitors are here. We have to move quickly.
Garfield: Huh.
Winston: Then we lunge in, your royal highness.
Garfield: Yeah, you can drop that shtik, drool boy. I heard you and the bird. How about the "house cat" part? I love that.
Winston: Oh, all right, all right, so we weren't exactly honest. We had to do it. What would you have done?
Garfield: Save your breath, chubby cheeks. I shall abdicate my throne and return to my TV chair.
Winston: You're our only hope.
Garfield: The only hope of the hopeless.

Garfield: [to Odie] Okay, blockhead. Time to bust out of here and catch up with Jon. First let's grab some chow before I eat your liver,
[in a 'Hannibal Lecter'ish voice]
Garfield: with some fava beans a nice Chianti.
[Garfield and Odie get off the bed]
Garfield: [to housekeeper] Uh, sorry, we left a bit of a mess in the bathroom, thanks.

Garfield: Yo, it's lasagna, not shish kebab

Garfield: It's good to be king.

Garfield in Disguise (1985) (TV)
[Lightning flashes when Garfield and Odie first see an old house]
Garfield: Nice touch!

Binky the Clown: [after Garfield realizes he's doing the jumping jacks and starts looking for his remote control] Put it in gear, you losers! You don't wanna be *lazy*, do ya? You gotta get into good shape for tonight, kids, because this is the night you can get a lot of - candyyyyyy!
Garfield: [having found his remote and aiming it at the TV] Take that, Binky!
[turns TV off with remote]
Garfield: Ah-ha!

Garfield: So the pirate ghosts got the treasure, and we got the candy, candy, candy, candy!

Binky the Clown: Remember, kids: if you don't exercise with Binky, you're gonna to grow up to be worthleeeess!
Garfield: I hate you, Binky! Where's my remote control?

Jon Arbuckle: That's not funny, Garfield.
Garfield: Then how about this?
[Makes a funny face]
Jon Arbuckle: Now that's funny.
[laughs, then sighs]
Jon Arbuckle: Why can't I stay angry with you, Garfield?
Garfield: Because I'm a cat.

Jon Arbuckle: You're probably wondering what I'm doing with this pumpkin on my head.
Garfield: Wha-hoo! There's a pumpkin on your head? I hadn't noticed.

Garfield: Odie's so stupid he'd have to stand on a chair to raise his I.Q. He's ugly, too. It would take two of him to get any uglier. He's so ugly, he wouldn't have to wear a mask to go trick or treating on Halloween.

Garfield: Arrr, it do be a land-lubber who be shovin' lasagna in his face. I declare this booty property of the queen.
[He takes his wooden sword and impales Jon's lasagna, and then eats it]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey! Who do you think you are?
Garfield: Arrr, I be Orange Beard the Pirate Cap'n, an' this be me first mate, Odie the Stupid.

Jon Arbuckle: You guys look ridiculous.
Garfield: Arr, I've killed men fer sayin' less than that, but I'll letcha live, seein' as how yer the only man who'll change me kitty litter.

Garfield: Observe carefully, Odie. I'll teach you some of the finer points of trick-or-treating.
[Taps the door a few times with his wooden sword and a woman answers]
Garfield: Gimme!
Woman at Door: Oh, how cute! Here you go, kids.
[Throws a couple pieces of candy into their sacks]
Garfield: Me thinks yer be a mighty stingy with yer candy, Miss! If ye don't reconsider your contribution, I'll give yer living room drapes a taste of me broadsword.
[She throws much more candy into their sacks]
Garfield: Thank you. A thousand blessin's upon yer home, ma'am.

Garfield: Hey, Odie, old buddy, you know what Halloween night is?
[Odie shakes his head side-to-side]
Garfield: Yeah, well, take that stupid pumpkin off your head and I'll tell ya!
[Odie kicks the pumpkin off his head]
Garfield: Better. That's a night when dogs have to help cats go out and get candy.
[Odie looks puzzled]
Garfield: That's right, and if the dog does a good job, he gets a *whole* piece of candy of his verrry own!
[Odie excitedly begins to jump up and down]
Garfield: Well, do you wanna go, boy? Huh? Huh? Wanna go out and get candy, huh? Huh, boy? Wanna go? Huh? Huh? Huh?
[Odie gets worked up into a frenzy]
Garfield: Okay! Let's go to the attic and find some costumes for tonight!
[Odie zooms off to the attic. Garfield then turns to the camra]
Garfield: You know, just between you and me, there are times when I love that dog.

Old Man: What I am about to tell you has never been told to another living soul.
[we hear two claps of thunder]
Garfield: Catchy beginning.

Garfield: Okay, Odie. here's the plan: I'll kick the door open, you jump in and secure the place. Are you ready?
[Odie barks]
Garfield: [Garfield unsucessfully kicks the door and fails to open it that way]
Garfield: Ow!
Garfield: [grabs his foot and jumps up and down] Tell you what, let's quietly slip in.

Garfield: [examining a bowl full of pumpkin seeds] Hmm. This stuff appears to be a bit of lasagne persuasion.
[He grabs a handful of the seeds and stuffs them in his mouth]
Jon Arbuckle: Since when did you like pumpkin innards?
Garfield: [gags; spits seeds out] PTOOEY! Since never! Blecch.
[drops the bowl of innards, and we hear it break]

Jon Arbuckle: What's with the blanket? You practicing for Halloween?
Garfield: Practicing? Practicing? Ha! I'll have you know Halloween's my middle name. Gar-Halloween-field. Oh, well.

Old Man: [to Garfield and Odie] This island has a secret: a deep, dark secret that is held for a hundred years. One hundred years ago tonight, a ruthless band of pirates held up in this very house. They had looted many ships and were pursued by government troops. They were so heavily laden with their ill-gotten gains they had to bury the treasure before making their escape. However, before they left this island on that stormy night, they signed a contract written in blood. They vowed to return for the treasure one hundred years from Halloween night at the stroke of midnight, even if it meant returning from the grave.
[we hear a clap of thunder as Garfield apprehensively notices the grandfather clock as it reads 11:55, then another clap of thunder sounds]
Garfield: [dismissive] Do you believe that?
Old Man: Belieeeeeeve it, my friends! The pirates had a ten-year-old cabin boy. I was that boy. I was there. I never took the treasure because they would have found me. There's no escaping them! They know we're here! They know WHO WE ARE!
Garfield: Well, that made my mind up. C'mon Odie. Let's blow this joint.

[Garfield sneaks up on Jon, who is holding a pumpkin and removing its innards to carve it into a jack-o-lantern]
Garfield: Boo!
Jon Arbuckle: [throwing the pumpkin up in the air, startled] Wha-a-a!
[the pumpkin falls down on his head]
Garfield: Gotcha!
Jon Arbuckle: [sounding cross] That's not funny, Garfield.
Garfield: Then how about this?
[He makes funny faces at Jon]
Jon Arbuckle: [laughing] Now that's funny, Garfield.
[he sighs]
Jon Arbuckle: Why can't I stay angry with you, Garfield?
Garfield: 'Cause I'm a cat.

Garfield: Some pirate captain I am. I can't even get a rowboat across the river. Now I'll probably float out to sea and never be heard from again. If I ever get back to land, I'm gonna give up this pirate business. I'm gonna stop pretending I'm something I'm not. I'm just gonna be me: Garfield the house cat. Gourmet. Bon vivant. World traveler. Jet-setting playboy.
[Odie taps him on the shoulder, trying to get his attention]
Garfield: Leave me alone, Odie. I'm busy wallowing in self pity.

[Garfield and Odie are in a rowboat, floating downriver]
Garfield: [to Odie] It appears we're caught up in the current, matey. Put out the oars.
[Odie knocks the oars off the boat]
Garfield: Hmm. I'd make him walk the plank if I had one.
[to Odie]
Garfield: We be at the mercy of the sea, matey. Topside! Topside, batten the hatches! Trim the mains, slip the sheets, flibber the giblets! I WANT MY MOMMY!

[Binky is on TV, mentioning getting into shape for candy, but Garfield turns the TV off]
Garfield: Wait a minute. Did he say we could get a lot of candy tonight?
[frantically flips through various channels on the TV to turn Binky back on]
Garfield: Binky! Binky, come back! Where are you, Binky, old buddy?
[finally finds the channel Binky is on]
Binky the Clown: That's right, kids! Tonight *is* Halloween night, and we wanna be in great shape to trick-or-treat for all that candy, don't weeeeee?
Garfield: [happily] Yes, we dooooo!
[switches the TV off again]

Garfield: Halloween is my kind of a holiday. Not like those other stupid holidays. I don't get pine needles in my paws. There's no dumb bunnies, no fireworks, no relatives, just candy. Boom, you go out, you get candy. It's as simple as that.
Garfield: Simple... That's me.

[repeated line]
Garfield: [rapidly] Candy, candy, candy, candy, candy...!

Garfield: [looking into a chest, searching for costumes] Eureka! The mother lode! Look at all this great stuff, Odie! With these costumes, we can be - anything we want!
Odie: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Garfield: The old man was right, Odie. This was the worst night of my life. I've had nightmares that looked like birthday parties compared to tonight.
[Odie points to their boat, with their candy still in it]
Garfield: Well, looky here! It do be me candy! Arrr... I guess this story do have a happy ending after all, matey. Let's be shovin' off for home now.

[last lines]
Garfield: What a night. Boy, am I wired. I think I'll see what's on TV.
[he turns on the TV, revealing what looks like the old man from earlier, wearing a pirate hat just like Garfield's]
Old Man: Good evening, and welcome to our all-night pirate movie festival.
Garfield: [quickly turns TV off] Boy, am I *tired*!
[Garfield settles down into his bed to sleep, holding his teddy bear, Pooky]

Jon Arbuckle: [to Garfield] I was carving a jack o'lantern until you arrived. What do you think?
Garfield: It's you.
Jon Arbuckle: [pushing the jack o'lantern off his head, then it lands on Odie's] Well, this one's ruined.

Garfield: [surprised by the old man stealing the boat, with his and Odie's candy still in it] Rats, there goes my boat!
[Odie pouts]
Garfield: Rats, there goes my candy!
[Odie whimpers]
Garfield: My boat's gone, my candy's gone, the dead pirates are coming any minute, it's past my bedtime, and I wanna go home.

Garfield: [he and Odie enter the attic] There should be some great Halloween costumes up here somewhere, Odie. Jon has never thrown anything away.
[they walk up to a trunk; Garfield blows off the dust on it and coughs from the dust, then opens the lid and tosses various items out]
Garfield: Here's Jon's first bow-tie... Tacky... some sunglasses, Cousin Wanda's wig, Aunt Orpha's false teeth... Yuck!... Roy Ogle's roots, strings, sealing wax, and all that funny stuff. Well, I guess there's nothing here.
[turns and sees Odie with the various items on him; Garfield yelps]
Garfield: Very funny, Odie. Come on, let's keep looking.

Garfield's Thanksgiving (1989) (TV)
Garfield: [sees his vet appointment written on the Wednesday page of the calendar and tears it off, then feeds the page to Odie] Here Odie! Wednesdays are good and good for ya!
[shoves the page in Odie's mouth]

Garfield: Gee, I've been on this diet only ten minutes and I can tell I've already lost something... my sense of humor.

Jon Arbuckle: [as Garfield chatters over his upcoming vet visit] Now just relax.
Garfield: Want me to relax? Take me to Hawaii.
Jon Arbuckle: I'm only bringing you to the vet for a checkup.
Garfield: Check-OUT, Jon, we're only here so you can check out the vet. Why don't you marry her, then she could make house calls?

Dr. Liz Wilson: The good news is your cat is as healthy as a horse.
Garfield: Hear that, Jon? The woman is a great physician, uh, specialist.
Dr. Liz Wilson: The bad news is he's also big as a horse. He'll have to go on a diet.
Garfield: Quack, she's a quack! Get me outta here!

Garfield: [seeing Thanksgiving on the calendar page, then describing Thanksgiving to Odie] Hello, what's this? Tomorrow's Thanksgiving! You see that, Odie? Tomorrow's Thanksgiving. That's the day people celebrate with food by eating as much of it as possible.
[Odie grunts in question]
Garfield: Yes! That's the day people try to eat every turkey, pumpkin, and cranberry on the face of the earth.
[Odie spits out the calendar page that Garfield stuffed in his mouth earlier]
Garfield: It's a tradition. And you know how I LOVE tradition!

Garfield: Yum-yum, turkey on a stick.

Grandma: And now, for the piece de resistance - pumpkin pie!
Garfield: Skip the piece of resistance, just gimme a piece of pie!

Garfield: [chanting] Deep fat fry! Deep fat fry! Music to my ears!

Garfield: [plodding into the house after his vet appointment] Oh, woe is me. I've been put on a diet, and I'm gonna die.

Garfield: Pancakes, pancakes the size of Australia, and coffee, yes, Jon, coffee. We wouldn't be the great nation we are without coffee. So do your patriotic duty, Jon Arbuckle, and fix - me - breakfast!
[drum beats, then Odie crashes cymbals]
Jon Arbuckle: [slightly dazed] I wonder if people with goldfish have this problem.

Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, I need help.
Garfield: Hm, understatement of the year.

Dr. Liz Wilson: So Garfield, how's the diet? I see you're still the size of an aircraft carrier
[laughs briefly]
Dr. Liz Wilson: Well, as long as I'm here I may as well check you for vitamin deficiencies; I don't want you to become anemic.
Garfield: Don't forget beri-beri, rickets, and scurvy, too, Doc.

Jon Arbuckle: Thanks for telling me I wasn't wearing any pants, Garfield.
Garfield: Oh sure, blame it on the vet.

Garfield: Now *this* is what Thanksgiving is all about.
[shoving the groceries in Jon's face while he's driving]
Garfield: Thanksgiving is cookies! Thanksgiving is pie filling! Thanksgiving is coleslaw! Drive carefully, Jon; don't wanna bruise my kumquats. W-wait a minute. Wh-where're we goin', Jon? Th-This isn't the way home.
Jon Arbuckle: We're going to the vet, Garfield.
[as Garfield shoves more groceries into Jon's face, we see Jon driving recklessly in the next shot and bumping into the sidewalk repeatedly as Garfield yells]

Garfield: Thanksgiving... humbug. What good is it if you're on a diet?
[Goes to the stove counter and coats the vegetables with garlic powder sneakily]
Garfield: Huh, if I can't enjoy Thanksgiving, nobody will.

Garfield: [after Liz permits him to skip his diet and start him on mild exercise] I'm free, I'm free, I can eat! Oh, joy; oh, rapture; oh, no!

Grandma: How's my favorite kitty cat today?
Garfield: Better now that you're here, Grandma.
Grandma: Aw, you're looking a little thin. Isn't that grandson of mine feeding you?
Garfield: Grandma, I love you. Don't ever leave us.

Garfield: Hey Jon, another frozen dinner.
Jon Arbuckle: Everything's ruined, Garfield. What can I do? I'm doomed. Liz will never speak to me again.

Jon Arbuckle: [Garfield drags out a phone] Very funny, Garfield. I can't feed Liz this.
Garfield: Jon, you nitwit!

Jon Arbuckle: [Garfield brings out a purple sweater] I'm not cold, Garfield; why did you drag out the sweater Grandma made for me last Christmas?
Garfield: Last chance!

Jon Arbuckle: [seeing Garfield and Odie sitting on the couch lazily] Well, it was a great day! And judging by the looks of you two and your bellies, I'd say you had a great day, too. You know one thing I'm thankful for today?
Jon Arbuckle, Garfield: Grandma!
[Odie barks]
Jon Arbuckle: Let's take a little walk and try to work off some of this food, boys.

Grandma: Ever had Grandma's famous turkey croquettes, Garfield? Nothin' finer.
Garfield: Go, Grandma, go!

Grandma: How about some sweet potatoes?
[Garfield blows a raspberry]
Grandma: Oh now, come on, Garfield! You've never had Grandma's sweet potatoes.
Garfield: This is true.
Grandma: A cup of butter, a cup of brown sugar, and some marshmallows!
Garfield: Starting to like 'em already!

[last lines]
Garfield: All right, Odie, Gimme ten!
[Odie barks and stands at attention, but smiles]
Garfield: And wipe that stupid smile off your face!
[Odies does so]
Garfield: Come on, soldier, I said down and ten!
[Odie gets down and does push-ups]
Garfield: And one-and-two, and one-and-two! Are we having fun yet? One-and-two, and one-and-two!

Garfield: Well, I might as well see how the ole diet's going.
[steps on his scale]
RX2: Hello, I'm RX2, your talking scale. I can tell you your weight, your fortune, or just about anything else you would like to know.
Garfield: Okay, smarty pants, what's my name?
RX2: Judging by your weight, you are Orson Welles.
Garfield: Great, her voice chip with a cruel streak.
RX2: May I have your autograph, please?
Garfield: Oh, shut up. Why is everybody picking on me, and what's wrong with being large-boned, anyway?
RX2: I've seen all your movies.
Garfield: Hey, how would you like to have your battery removed?
RX2: I wouldn't like that, Mr. Welles.
Garfield: It's not like I'm all that overweight; I can still see my feet.
RX2: I've seen "Citizen Kane" eight times.
Garfield: All right, that's it, you're history!
[stamps the scale repeatedly till it breaks, then dashes away as his scale beeps]
RX2: [drones] Rosebuuuuuuud...

Garfield Goes Hollywood (1987) (TV)
Garfield: I know a dog who was so ugly, cars chased him!

Jon Arbuckle: [Garfield stayed behind with a goldfish who's a rival on Pet Search] Where were you, Garfield?
Garfield: [as he gulps and pats his stomach] Eliminating some competition.
Jon Arbuckle: Well, hurry and get dressed. The show's about to begin.
Pet Search host: [entering their dressing room] Hey, you're on in five minutes. Don't be late.
Jon Arbuckle: Come on, guys, let's break a leg!

Jon Arbuckle: [after seeing a group of chickens perform at the Pet Search finals] Those chickens were pretty good.
Garfield: Yes, they are. We must have them for dinner some time.

Old Man River: [rocking in a chair and playing a banjo and singing while his dog moves his tail back and forth under the rocker] I have a dog, his name is Blue, he sings real good, he sings...
[Blue's tail gets caught under the rocker and he howls]
Garfield: We're better than that.

[about to destroy John's guitar]
Garfield: [to Odie, before they knock Jon's guitar over with a lamp] Not a pretty job, Odie, but - somebody has to do it. Here, gimme a hand.

Jon Arbuckle: OK, are we going out there tonight?
Garfield: Maybe!
Jon Arbuckle: Are we gonna get the performance of our lives?
Garfield: Doubt it!
Jon Arbuckle: Are we gonna win?
Garfield: Not a chance!
Jon Arbuckle: All right, let's DO it!
[he and Odie dash away to the stage wing]
Odie: [barks]
Garfield: Let's not, and say we did!

Jon Arbuckle: I think we have it wrapped up, guys. I haven't seen any competition so far, and there's only one act *after* us!
Odie: [barks]
Garfield: They're lucky it'll probably be a dog who plays five instruments at the same time.

[For winning at "Pet Search", Jon, Garfield, and Odie are now headed for the nationals in Hollywood and they won $1,000]
Garfield: Money - big deal. A lot of good money does a cat. And going to Hollywood sounds like a *long* car ride to me. It's not enough that we made fools of ourselves on a local station. Now we've won the right to do it in front of the whole country. Oh, well, maybe things will work out. Maybe the earth will shift and Hollywood will fall into the ocean.

Pet Search host: Our final act this evening is Bob the Wonder Dog. He will play five, count them, FIVE instruments simultaneously!
Jon Arbuckle: Uh-oh.
Garfield: Bingo.
Odie: [whimpers]

Garfield: Rehearsing - a lot of good rehearsing that stupid act is gonna do. Well, Jon and Odie can go back to reality if they want to, but *I'm* not. I'm staying. I'm gonna win that talent competition, become a star, and live out my days in the manner in which I'm going to be accustomed.

Jon Arbuckle: Wow, just look at all this! Our own private dressing room! Fresh flowers! So this is what stardom is like!
Garfield: [looking into a rehearsal room] Hey, they're rehearsing! Let's check out the competition.

Jon Arbuckle: [after Miles the Jazz Canary has performed] Winning all those prizes would be great guys. But getting back to our *real* home will be even greater, right?
Garfield: He's *got* to be kidding.

[first lines]
Garfield: Hello, folks, how do you do? Garfield here to entertain you.
[brief moment of silence]
Garfield: Thank you for that large round of indifference.

Garfield: Odie, come here.
[Odie jumps on the bed]
Garfield: Odie, we're pretty talented, right?
[drum flam as Odie nods]
Garfield: We're good dancers, right?
Garfield: We went to Pet Search and won, right?
Garfield: And we're gonna win in Hollywood, right?
[drum roll as Odie shakes his head]
Garfield: Yeah, right, we're not gonna win, right?
Garfield: 'Cause our act stinks, right?
Garfield: And whose fault is that?
[roll as Odie gestures to Jon, off-camera]
Garfield: Right, it's Jon's fault.

Garfield: I love show business. It's in my blood, in my ears, between my toes, up my nose...

Garfield: [after he and Odie dance at the Pet Search finals] We were fantastic; we can't lose! We're number one!

Jon Arbuckle: We're rich, we're famous! We'll win the contest and get the show on the road! You guys are fabulous; I had no idea you could dance!
Garfield: Shucks, that old number? You should see us on the fence.
Jon Arbuckle: We'll need costumes, a routine, we'll rehearse day and night!
Garfield: Day and night? For-get it.
Jon Arbuckle: [bringing out his guitar] And we'll need - some music.

Garfield: We're in big trouble, Odie. Jon's the worst. We'll be laughed off the air. The show is called "Pet Search", not "*Dummy* Search".

Jon Arbuckle: [after he, Garfield, and Odie sing "Wizard of Love" at the "Pet Search" preliminaries] You guys were *great*!
[Odie barks]
Garfield: You were awful!
Jon Arbuckle: Well, one more act to go and we can collect our $1,000.

Jon Arbuckle: [as he, Garfield, and Odie arrive at the WBOR studio for the Pet Search preliminaries] So this is show business. Pretty glamorous, huh, guys?
Garfield: Oh, quaint. A low tech studio in a high tech society.
Jon Arbuckle: And those other acts look pretty good, too.

M.C: Our next act features a rather unique cat and dog duo. From Muncie, Indiana, welcome the Dancing Armandoes!
Garfield: [as he walks onstage] This is gonna be a piece of cake.

Garfield: [after he, Odie, and Jon arrive at their hotel room in Hollywood] I'm so happy I could just cry - check that.
[jumps onto the bed]
Garfield: I'm so happy I could just sleep... and dream.

A Garfield Christmas Special (1987) (TV)
Jon Arbuckle: Now, behave yourself this Christmas, Garfield.
Garfield: No problem; I'll wait in the car.

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield, there's plenty of leftovers.
[presenting Garfield with a plate of leftovers]
Jon Arbuckle: Would you like something to eat?
Garfield: Oh, no thank you, Jon.
[patting his now-full stomach]
Garfield: I've opted to watch my waist line this holiday season.

Garfield: All right, you guys, just permit me one sentimental moment here, will you? I have something to say. Christmas: it's not the giving, it's not the getting, it's the loving. There, I said it. Now get outta here.

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield, come over here.
[Garfield turns around]
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, I have a very important job for you. It's a dangerous assignment, but if you succeed, you'll be a hero.
Garfield: A hero! I like that.
Jon Arbuckle: I want you to take this star up the tree and put it on the top.
Garfield: [saluting Jon and accepting the star] Climbing trees is my life, sir. If I'm not back in an hour, send a banana cream pie after me.

Garfield: Whoever invented Christmas trees should be drug out into the street and shot.

Garfield: [before he climbs the Christmas tree to try to put the star on top] This is gonna be a piece of cake. Never send a man to do a cat's job.

Jon Arbuckle: I remember when my brother Doc Boy and I were little...
Garfield: Oh brother, here we go again.
Jon Arbuckle: [singing] Dad would chop down the tree.
Garfield: Chores.
Jon Arbuckle: Mom would fix up a meal.
Garfield: Work.
Jon Arbuckle: Doc Boy would get in the way.
Garfield: Fighting. Big fat hairy deal.
[Odie barks]
Jon Arbuckle: Decorating the tree.
Garfield: Gardening.
Jon Arbuckle: Wiring all of the lights.
Garfield: Electrical contracting.
Jon Arbuckle: Wrapping boxes and writing out cards.
Garfield: Office work. Outta sight.

Garfield: Hello, what's this? Why it's sausage gravy!
[Garfield licks some gravy off his paw. His face turns red from the chili powder that Grandma had put in the gravy earlier. Garfield's ears smoke and he spits out fire]
Garfield: Perfect!

Jon Arbuckle: We're almost back on the farm now, boys. I can almost smell Mom's chestnut dressing baking in the oven right now.
Garfield: [sniffs] That's not what I smell.

Jon Arbuckle: [singing] Then we'd take those presents / And pile them under the tree / We'd barely get a wink of sleep / Wondering what they could be.
Garfield: [singing] The special gifts of Christmas.
Jon Arbuckle: Christmas.
Garfield: That really make it great.
Jon Arbuckle: It's so great.
Garfield: Are the insomnia and the anxiety... Kids get from having to wait.
Jon Arbuckle: Can't wait 'til Christmas / There's so much to do / Can't wait 'til Christmas...
Garfield: Wake me when it's through.

Jon Arbuckle: Grandma, you remember Garfield, don't you?
Grandma: Well, I'll be. I remember back when all we had were wood-burning cats. Ah, what'll they think of next?
Garfield: Bizarre.

Garfield: [about Jon's parents' Christmas Eve dinner] Mmmm. Attentive service. Excellent cuisine. However the decor leaves something to be desired. I give this place - two stars.

Jon Arbuckle: Hey, Garfield, guess what today is.
Garfield: Listen carefully, Jon: I don't do pop quizzes before breakfast, okay?

Jon Arbuckle: Are you ready for this, Garfield? It's Christmas Eve morning! We're gonna pack up our presents and go to the farm for Christmas! Won't that be fun?
Garfield: You've got a real sick sense of humor, Jon. You know that, don't you?
Jon Arbuckle: The whole family's gonna be there: Dad, Mom, and Grandma, and Doc Boy...
Garfield: And Good Boy, Bad Boy, Oh Boy, Attaboy...
Jon Arbuckle: Come on, Garfield, we have a busy day ahead of us!
Garfield: [to himself] Why is it every Christmas I get drug out of my warm bed just to see some stupid old relatives? And why do we always have to go to that stupid old farm? Why can't they come here where my warm bed is? And why am I whispering?

Garfield: [after some letters bonk his head] I don't believe it. These letters must be - 50 years old.

Jon Arbuckle: There's no doubt about it, Christmas is my favorite holiday. The air's crisp, homes are brightly decorated, and everybody's walking around with big smiles on their faces.
[Garfield frowns]
Jon Arbuckle: Uh, almost everybody. I think the best part is watching the faces of children and sharing memories of being a child at Christmas. I remember when my brother Doc Boy and I were little.
Garfield: Oh, brother, here we go again.

Jon Arbuckle: [as he, Garfield, and Odie go for a walk in the snow] This is what it's all about, right boys? Hard work, crisp weather, and beautiful scenery!
Garfield: [his tail sticking out from the snow] What scenery? I think somebody turned the lights out. In fact, I'd go so far as say things can't get much worse than -
[crashes into a snow gauge]
Garfield: I gotta quit saying that.

Garfield: [after he tries out his new back scratcher that Odie gave him] Odie, sometimes you amaze me. This is the best present a cat could ever get. Now and then, you're something special.
[they embrace]

Garfield: [holding up some jewels he received from his gift-giving machine] That's just for starters. Now this is what Christmas is all about.

Grandma: Of course, to make it through this whole life, you have to be a little crazy.
Garfield: You said it, Grandma.
Grandma: Why, just look at me - I talk to cats!

Grandma: Why, hello, Garfield. How did you know I needed a kitty in my lap?
Garfield: Wild guess.
Grandma: Since Grandpa passed on, I've wiled away many a lonely hour rocking and stroking my cats.
Garfield: I envy those cats.

Here Comes Garfield (1982) (TV)
Garfield: [after rudely waking Jon up] Good morning sunshine. Welcome to another fun-filled day with your favorite pet.

Garfield: [Odie barks and scares Garfield] Good morning, Odie. You're not gonna to live to see your next birthday, you know that don't you? I hate dogs.
Garfield: Well, as long as I'm up, as may as well have breakfast.

Jon Arbuckle: What would you like for breakfast, Garfield?
Garfield: Oh, a cup of coffee, Danish, morning paper.
Jon Arbuckle: OK, one bowl of catfood coming right up.
Garfield: Nobody listens anymore.

Garfield: Show me a good mouser, and I'll show you a cat with bad breath.

Jon Arbuckle: Where's Odie? He didn't come back with you?
Garfield: [does a complicated pantomime explaining that Odie was taken to the pound]
Jon Arbuckle: You got fleas or something?
Garfield: [grabs Jon's face] What we have here is a failure to communicate.

Garfield: I'm bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored. I'm bored... that's it! I'm going down to the City Pound, and I'm gonna break Odie outta there! Look out, Pound, here comes Garfield!

Garfield: [playing with the food] No sweat, 'Sarge, I'll take that machine gun nest out with my trusty bazooka here!
Garfield: So this is what it feels like to be potato salad, yuck!
Garfield: Rhett, Rhett, whatever shall I do? Wherever shall I go?
Garfield: Take me to your leader, earthling, or I'll atomize your face, heh heh!

Garfield: [sighs] I hate mornings. I'd like 'em better if they started later.

Garfield: [after he and Odie kiss Jon] Home is where they understand you.

Garfield: It's pathetic the way some animals beg at the table. Where is your pride, Odie?

Garfield: [referring to Odie] Ten billion dogs in this world, and I get Tweedledee the Wonder Dummy.

Garfield: [after he knocks Odie off the table] I'm not known for my compassion.

Garfield: When I want in, I want in now.

Garfield: [after he throws Jon's breakfast in his face; last line] I'm only human.

Garfield: [seeing his empty cat food bowl] Rats. My owner must still be wallowing around in bed. It's hard to find good help these days.

Garfield: Odie, you're so stupid you don't even know you're in big trouble. I may never see you again.

Garfield: [scratching the arm rest of a chair he's sitting in] Oh boy, am I bored.
Garfield: I guess I miss Odie. It's hard to believe I could miss someone who stares and slobbers all the same time. Someone who has to turn around three times before lying down. Someone who drinks out of a toilet.
[stops scratching]
Garfield: I remember when Odie and I were just puppy and kitten.

Fast Eddy: Come on, get in line!
Garfield: What for?
Fast Eddy: There's a family coming in to adopt a cat or a dog. This could be our way out!
Garfield: Our way out!

Skinny: Psst. Hey, buddy, you got any cigarettes on ya?
Garfield: What kind of a question is that?
Skinny: I don't know. It's just a question you're supposed to ask when you're in the slammer.

"Garfield and Friends: Binky Goes Bad!/U.S. Acres: Barn of Fear/Mini-Mall Matters (#2.15)" (1989)
Garfield: From time to time on this show, we'd like to bring you something a little educational.
[a hand pops up holding a TV remote control]
Garfield: [shocked] No, no! Don't change channels! It's not *that* educational.

[Jon is about to go on a date and he is dressed for the occasion. Heading to the door, he passes by Garfield]
Jon: I have a big date with Liz tonight, Garfield. What do you think of my outfit?
[to Jon's surprise, Garfield snickers and then burst out laughing wildly]
Jon: [irritated] I don't have to take this.
[He heads out the door]
Jon: No cat is gonna make a fool out of me.
[He slams the door]
Garfield: [holding up a watch, still snickering] One... two... three...
[Jon, still irritated, comes back in, wearing his outfit, but no pants. Garfield snickers at him]

Garfield: [reading the script] Oh no, it's an evil twin story, it's come to that!

Jon: It looks bad for Binky.
Garfield: I'll say, three more of these jokes and he might get the chair.

Garfield: "What is a mini-mall?" you ask? A mini-mall is a whole bunch of stores you'd never go to, except that there all together so it's convenient.

Garfield: [reading from a script, on Stinky Davis] "In his early days, Stinky had been a clown himself, but he was thrown out of the clown union for making naughty balloon animals."

Judge: [Garfield hands the judge the script] What is this you're showing me, cat?
[reads script]
Judge: "Order in the court."
Binky the Clown: I'll have a ham on rye! Hold the mayo!
Garfield: [pointing] That's the real Binky.
Judge: Arrest that phony!
Stinky Davis: [being dragged out of the courtroom] Hey! You can't do this to me! I'll get you for this, cat!
Garfield: [to camera] The real Binky could never resist a very old joke.

Garfield: Every mini-mall has one of the following types of store: a dry cleaner, a copy place, a store that sells Chinese food, a place to rent videotapes, a one-hour photo processing shop. The one-hour photo processing shop is my favorite. It's for people who can't remember what their friends looked like sixty minutes ago.

Garfield Gets a Life (1991) (TV)
Lorenzo: Our motto is, "If you can get a pulse, you can get a life".
Garfield: [to Jon] Ah, maybe they'll take you anyway.

Video store clerk: Will you be renting that video, sir?
Garfield: No, he'll be eating it here.

Jon Arbuckle: Boy, you learn a dance and then zango, 14 years later, they change it.
Garfield: Go figure.

Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, did you know the living room ceiling has 144 tiles?
Garfield: The living room has 214.
Jon Arbuckle: I'm bored.
Garfield: Why don't you organize your sock drawer?
Jon Arbuckle: I'd organize my sock drawer but I already did it last night.
Garfield: I'll be the judge of that.
[opens the drawer and finds the socks organized]
Garfield: Whoa, I'm impressed.

Jon Arbuckle: There's more to life than just socks.
Garfield: There's underwear.

Jon Arbuckle: Excuse me ma'ma, I couldn't help notice your frilly little pink... uh tutu thing there, are you a ballerina?
Woman at laundromat: Why yes I am.
[Garfield holds up Jon's boxers]
Woman at laundromat: And I couldn't help noticing your teddy bear boxers. Are you a dweeb?
Garfield: Why yes he is.

Garfield: [at the video store] Can we get "Old Yeller"? I just love movies with happy endings.

Garfield: Hey, Monsieur Dumb Guy, remember me? What am I, chopped liver? Duck pate? Foie-gras? Why am I getting so hungry?

Garfield in the Rough (1984) (TV)
Garfield: What do you hear about the panther who
[Billy and Dicky dive into a hiding place]
Garfield: who's, loose in the area, did I say something to offend you guys?
Billy Rabbit: [they pop up] No my friend, but quite frankly, the panther is terrorizing all of us.
Garfield: What's so scary about a panther?
Dicky Beaver: It's 10 times our size, it's as black as midnight, and it's evil yellow eyes stare right into your soul. I was in the lake last night, and I saw it on the shore, what it did to a friend of mine is too ghastly to repeat. And then, it pulled itself up to its full height, and stared right at me, looked right through me, with those eyes, those eyes, as if I were next.
Billy Rabbit: Don't worry old timer, soon the panther will be gone and we'll be back to business as usual.
Dicky Beaver: I hope you're right, Billy, I hope you're right.
Garfield: Have you seen it too, Billy?
Billy Rabbit: No I haven't, Dicky is the only one who's seen it and lived to tell about it.
Garfield: Hey, it could still be around here somewhere!

[afraid of wild animals]
Garfield: They're gonna come here, and they're gonna eat me, and I'm gonna die, and that could really hurt my bowling average.

Garfield: If we don't get out of here, we're gonna be dead. And if that happens, heaven forbid, I'm never gonna speak to you again.

[Garfield's neighborhood is all in black and white. A caption at the bottom of the screen reads, "Please do not adjust your set. All the color has temporarily gone out of Garfield's life." Later, Garfield wakes up somberly in his box-like bed; first lines]
Garfield: Ho hum. Double ho... hum. Heck with it. Let's shoot the works, TRIPLE ho hum.
[Garfield stands up]
Garfield: Here I am waking up in the same old bed... facing the same old morning routine...
[Garfield yawns, then stretches. His bones crack causing him to freeze]
Garfield: Stuck in the same old stretch.
[Garfield tiptoes out of his bed and towards his food dish. He stretches again making him able to move. He looks at his dish]
Garfield: Ho hum. The same old food.
[Garfield looks at us]
Garfield: Have you ever had a day when you feel like you've slept and eaten it all? All the color has gone out of my life.
[Garfield walks away from his dish and into the kitchen. On a counter, he finds his owner, who frowns as he rests his elbow on the counter and holds his hand over his cheek]
Garfield: Good morning, Jon.
[Garfield pats Jon on the shoulder. Jon's face falls flat on the counter]
Jon Arbuckle: [muffled] Good morning, Garfield. Garfield?
Garfield: Yes, Jon?
Jon Arbuckle: [muffled] All the color has gone out of our lives.
Garfield: So I've noticed.
Jon Arbuckle: [muffled] Let's take a vacation.
Garfield: [gasps with excitement] Vacation?
[Garfield rushes to a window shade]
Garfield: Rest and relaxation.
[Garfield rolls up the shade and the screen fades from black and white to color. A title appears, "Garfield in the Rough"]

Jon Arbuckle: Where's the bacon I packed?
Garfield: I ate it.
Jon Arbuckle: Where're the biscuits?
Garfield: I ate them.
Jon Arbuckle: Where're the eggs?
Garfield: Don't look at me, Charlie, that egg sucking dog of yours got to them first.
Jon Arbuckle: Where's our food?
Garfield: It was declared a midnight snack.

Garfield: I'd love to go camping with you, but I have to stay home and pluck my nose hairs.

Garfield: [Garfield finds out Odie's going camping] Odie's going? Forget it, I'd rather be declawed than go camping.

Jon Arbuckle: [singing] We're going camping, oh boy, oh boy, we're going camping, sleep in a tent, not pay no rent, oh boy, oh boy...
Garfield: [deadpan] We're going camping, whoop-de-doo, ha ha, whee, clap, pause, glow with glee. I'm so excited I could just barf.

"Garfield and Friends: Fraidy Cat/U.S. Acres: Shell Shocked Sheldon/Nothing to Sneeze At (#1.4)" (1988)
Garfield: Jon's trying to find a date. This could take years.

Garfield: I'm allergic to something. What if it's lasagna? How would I survive? I'd sneeze a lot.

Garfield: [on show intro] It may not be as funny as pro wrestling, but a lot more realistic.

Garfield: [in the quickie] You don't have to outrun somebody if you can outsmart them.

Fred: [in the movie Garfield's watching] Come with me, Allison.
Garfield: No, don't go with him, Allison.
Fred: Trust me, Allison.
Garfield: No! Don't trust him, Allison! I can't watch!
[covers his eyes]
Allison: [on TV] I do trust you, Fred. I feel so safe with your hand in mine, your other hand on my shoulder. Your other hand on my-
[Odie jumps on Garfield, high pitched scream from the movie as he jumps out of the chair]
Garfield: [hanging from the ceiling] Odie! Don't *do* that!
[drops back on the chair]
Garfield: Oh well, since you're here, you want to watch Chiller Diller Theater with me?
[Odie yips]
Garfield: Good, I can use the company.

Garfield: [the front door opens] Look! Footprints, and they look like they're from some sort of unearthly creature.
Odie: [looks at his own foot] Huh?
Garfield: [slams the door shut, to Odie] Quick, help me barricade the door!

Garfield: [has taken all the food out of the fridge because of the power failure] No, I didn't take *everything* out of the refrigerator. I left two ice trays and I think the light bulb.

Garfield: [trying to call the police] Hello? Hello?
Garfield: The phone's dead.
[looks to the camera]
Garfield: Which I guess is just as well since I can't talk.

Garfield on the Town (1983) (TV)
[Garfield and Odie have demolished Jon's house as they chase each other through it]
Jon Arbuckle: Boys, boys, boys. Just look at this room. What am I going to do with you two? Giving you away at the supermarket comes to mind.
[Garfield and Odie both look increasingly traumatized by everything that Jon says:]
Jon Arbuckle: A one-way ticket to the city pound seems like a good idea. Right now, even taxidermy sounds terrific. I work and slave for you, and do I get any thanks for it? No, I don't! What do I get? A demolition derby in my living room!
[Garfield and Odie nod toward each other]
Jon Arbuckle: That's it, Garfield. This is not normal for you. You're hyperactive, and that's serious. I think it's time for a trip... to the vet!
Garfield: [traumatized] No, no! Not the vet!

Jon Arbuckle: Hungry, Garfield?
Garfield: You guessed it, buster.

[first lines]
Garfield: [waking up] Good morning, Morning. Guess I'll get up, wake Jon, exercise... unless, of course, that floor is cold. I hate cold floors. I'm not getting out of bed if that floor is the slightest bit chilly.
[He places one finger on the floor ever so slightly and cringes]
Garfield: Yii! It's freezing! Too bad.
Garfield: ...I'm hungry.

Garfield: [sees his mom leaving Jon's front porch] Thanks Mom, for everything.

Garfield: [to his shadow] Well, shadow, I guess it's just you and me. Let's take 'em!
[his shadow suddenly makes a panicky motion and runs off]
Garfield: Good idea. Wait for me!
[runs after his shadow]

Garfield: I'm sorry I let you down, Mom.
Garfield's Mom: Oh, there's nothing to be sorry about, Garfield. Not all of us are cut out to be mousers.
Garfield: I'll say.

"Garfield and Friends: Weighty Problem/U.S. Acres: The Worm Turns/Good Cat, Bad Cat (#1.7)" (1988)
Jon Arbuckle: Oh, Garfield, try *not* to annoy the mailman today.
Garfield: [looking at calendar] Today's the day I annoy the *garbage* man. The mailman is tomorrow.

Garfield: See what you've done? You've made me into a liar! And you know what happens to liars!
Devil Garfield: They get jobs doing the weather on TV.

Garfield: Okay, I've had my morning coffee. Time for my post-coffee-mid-morning nap.

Jon Arbuckle: [singing] Here's my dumbbell.
Garfield: [singing; pointing to Jon] Here's *my* dumbbell.
Jon Arbuckle: Here's my little rope.
Garfield: Here's my little dope.
Jon Arbuckle: What's wrong with a little exercise?
Garfield: What's wrong with a little extra size?
Jon Arbuckle: Maybe there's still hope.
Garfield: Nope.
Jon Arbuckle: Let's turn the place into a gym.
Garfield: I think there's something seriously wrong with him.
Jon Arbuckle: Workout! Workout! That's what it's gonna take.
Garfield: Cookout! Cookout! How about a great big steak?
Jon Arbuckle: The road to health is paved with good intentions.
Garfield: The road to the kitchen can lead to new dimensions.
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, we're gonna get in shape!
Garfield: Fat chance!

Garfield: [on show intro] The Garfield Guarantee: no giant robots or annoying little blue people.

Garfield: [rummaging through the mail] Bill... Bill... Bill... "You may have already won 17 million dollars"... Hmm, Mrs. Castanetti's new dentures are in... Nothing much... Hey, here's that package Jon was waiting for! I wonder what's in it?

"Garfield and Friends: Mistakes Will Happen/U.S. Acres: The Well Dweller/The Wise Man (#3.17)" (1990)
[Garfield has just unwrapped an impossibly huge picnic]
Garfield: No, that's not a mistake. That's how much food I always pack.

Garfield: [referring to Jon] Can you believe Pete's trying to scare us like that?
Odie: [actually speaking] I don't know, I'm kinda scared.

Garfield: Eating, the only thing preferable in this world to sleeping. Boy, if they could just come up with a way to eat and sleep at the same time, they'd really have something.

Garfield: Around here, we don't make mistakes.
Odie: [running up] Ta-da!
Garfield: Except occasionally in casting.

Garfield: [in a female voice] That phony voice doesn't fool me!

Garfield's Feline Fantasies (1990) (TV)
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, what are you doing?
Garfield: I'm not sure anymore!

Garfield: [as a cowboy, facing Odie in a shootout] One last whimper, one last prayer, gee... I hope he put on clean underwear.

Garfield: You know why I'm here.
Fat Man: Yes I do.
Garfield: And what I'm here for.
Fat Man: Yes I do.
Garfield: And what I'm going to do with it.
Fat Man: Yes I do.
Garfield: Then would you mind refreshing my memory?

Garfield: [as a pilot speaking to the passengers] The in-flight movie is "Vertigo" and if you think that's in poor taste, wait till you try the food.

Garfield: [as a cowboy, describing himself] There was Jesse James and Billy the Kid, but this cat's done worse things than they ever did.

Garfield's Babes and Bullets (1989) (TV)
Garfield: [voiceover] My first stop was the city morgue. As I walked up the stairs I saw my old adversary at the top of the steps. It was Lt. Washington.
Lt. Washington: Shpayed, what brings you down here? Trying to find a client?
Garfield: Sure, lieutenant. He's the one your blue-boys shot out back for jaywalking.
Lt. Washington: Watch it, Shpayed. I've still got your license under investigation.
Garfield: Oh, really? Then I know its safe for a while.
Lt. Washington: Shpayed, don't push me!
Garfield: Wouldn't dream of it, lieutenant. Have a nishe day.

Tanya: Are you spayed?
Garfield: [sighs] I never know how to answer that question.

Jon: [seeing Garfield in the closet; last lines] Garfield, what're you doing in here?
Garfield: Getting ready to role the credits, pal.

Garfield: Why someone would murder a 23-year-old college professor was beyond me. Maybe he delivered just one too many lectures on the Boxer Rebellion. Stranger things have happened in this town.

Garfield: San Francisco's a beautiful city. Cable cars, fog rollin' off the bay, Chinatown, the Golden Gate Bridge, the wharf; gee, I wish I lived there.

"Garfield and Friends: The Automated, Animated Cartoon/It's a Wonderful Wade/Truckin' Odie (#4.16)" (1991)
Mr. Sprocket: Kids don't want to watch a cartoon about a cat.
Garfield: They're culturally deprived.

Garfield: [singing] If you're wondering what became of me, I was nowhere near the road. I can't rescue Odie, I'm not in this episode. Keep on snoring, keep on snoring, back home safe and sound, keep on snoring, keep on snoring, most fun I have found. Keep on sleeping, keep on sleeping, peaceful here alone, got to keep on sleeping, Odie's on his own.

Garfield: Billy Bob shook and moaned and shivered, and he told the puppy why. 'We'll never get this load delivered if I can't outrun this guy!'

Garfield: [on show intro] I haven't had so much fun since Nermal fell in the mud.

"Garfield and Friends: Bouncing Baby Blues/The Ugly Duckling/Learning Lessons (#4.11)" (1991)
Garfield: This isn't educational TV! This is Garfield!
Bertie Buddy Bear: James Garfield was the 20th President of the United States.

Garfield: They're driving me bananas!
Billy Buddy Bear: Bananas are an excellent source of potassium.
Garfield: You're driving me bats!
Bobby Buddy Bear: Bats are flying mammals with excellent night vision.
Garfield: I'm at the end of my rope!
Bertie Buddy Bear: Rope is usually made from the fibers of the hemp plant.
Garfield: I've got to get someplace safe!
Billy Buddy Bear: The safe was invented in 1831.

Network Executive: What does this teach anyone?
Garfield: It teaches them not to let me paint them.

Bobby Buddy Bear: Do you know what goes into a chocolate cupcake? It contains sugar, enriched flour, baking powder, and various artificial coloring and flavorings to simulate the taste and appearance of chocolate.
Garfield: [sniffs cupcake] Hey, it does smell like thiamine mononitrate!

"Garfield and Friends: Peace & Quiet/U.S. Acres: Wanted: Wade/Garfield Goes Hawaiian (#1.1)" (1988)
Garfield: Anyone who sings like that should be drug out into the street and shot!

Binky the Clown: Is Edna Fogarty here? I'm here to wish Edna Fogarty a happy 97th birthday!
Garfield: If he does, Edna won't make 98.

Garfield: [on intro] You folks have this confused: *I'm* real, and *you're* animated.

Binky the Clown: [starts up the birthday song again] Happy birthday, hap...
[Garfield slams the door in his face]
Binky the Clown: [knocks on the door as soon as Garfield leaves] py birthday, whoopty doo, whoopty doo
[Garfield slams the door again]
Garfield: [crawls back into bed] People who sing like that should be drug out into the street and shot!

"Garfield and Friends: First Class Feline/U.S. Acres: Hamelot/How to Be Funny (#2.22)" (1989)
Garfield: These scientists are studying which words are the funniest when used in jokes.
Scientist #1: Pickle.
Scientist #2: Funny.
Scientist #1: Pretzel.
Scientist #2: Funny.
Scientist #1: Cookie.
Scientist #2: Funny.
Scientist #1: Steak.
Scientist #2: Not funny.
Scientist #1: Yellow-bellied sap-sucker.
Scientist #2: Funny.
Scientist #1: Dog.
Scientist #2: Not funny.
Scientist #1: Elephant.
Scientist #2: Funny.
Scientist #1: Chicken.
Scientist #2: Extremely funny.
Scientist #1: Lion.
Scientist #2: Not funny.

Garfield: Today we're going to discuss how to be funny.
[pie hits him in the face]
Garfield: That is not one of the ways.

Garfield: Take note: if something isn't funny, you keep doing it, and eventually it becomes a running gag.

Garfield: Abu Dhabi, it's far away / Abu Dhabi, that's where you'll stay / Abu Dhabi, the place to be / For any kitten who's annoying me, yeah! / Abu Dhabi, it's off the track / Abu Dhabi, now don't come back / Abu Dhabi, it's quite a thrill / For any kitten who can make me ill! / Now some take a train / And some take a plane / But I am sending you / Not on a boat / Or even by goat / But in a box marked "Postage Due." / Abu Dhabi, you're what they lack / Abu Dhabi, now you're all packed / Abu Dhabi, a far commute / For any kitten who is too darn cute!

Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue (1990) (TV)
Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: [after emerging from a picture frame on Corey's dresser after her piggy bank is stolen] You wanna help track down the thief, Garfield?
Garfield: [Garfield is a lamp] Hey, going through life with a blue lampshade is work enough. Wake me when the lasagna comes.
Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: [yanks the lamp attachment off Garfield] Let me rephrase that: do you wanna help, or do you wanna be lunch?
Garfield: [salutes and climbs off the dresser] My luck to be stuck on a dresser with a pushy alien.

Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: The sound of a breaking piggy... if ever I've heard one.
Garfield: Two sounds you can't miss: The sound of a breaking piggy, and the sizzle of hot lasagna.

Simon: I don't like the looks of this.
Garfield: Neither do I. No food in sight.

"Garfield and Friends: Polecat Flats/U.S. Acres: Hogcules/Brain Boy (#2.10)" (1989)
Garfield: [on show intro] Eat and be lazy, kids, and someday you'll have your own show, too.

Jon Arbuckle: Here it is, Garfield, the Polecat Flats Dude Ranch.
Garfield: We could've gone to Rome, Acapulco, Maui, and where does Jon pick? Why, the middle of nowhere.

Garfield: This is what happens when you put a ten gallon hat on a five gallon head.

"Garfield and Friends: The Curse of the Klopman/U.S. Acres: Mud Sweet Mud/Rainy Day Dreams (#2.13)" (1989)
Garfield: Hello. This is Garfield, your doorman.

Garfield: [after the books on the shelf hit him on the head] I've got to get Jon to start reading thinner books, or switch to paperback.

Garfield: Evil scientists' assistants are always named Igor, it's a federal law or something.

"The Garfield Show: Pasta Wars/Mother Garfield (#1.1)" (2008)
Garfield: [as Jon mumbles in his sleep]
[clears throat]
Garfield: Hello? Time to get up. Very important day. Wakey, wakey. Oh, I hate to do this. No I don't!
[sniggers and wakes Jon using the alarm clock]
Jon Arbuckle: AAH! Why did you do that?

Garfield: [to talking lasagnas] Guys, it's time to end this!
[lasagnas run away]

Jon Arbuckle: [about Garfield waking him, who puts the calendar in front of Jon] You did that because it's trash day?
Garfield: Party.
Jon Arbuckle: I-It's some sort of holiday. It's... oh no! That's today?
[drops calendar and runs out of the bedroom to get into the shower]
Jon Arbuckle: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Garfield: He's sorry, he's sorry, he's sorry.
Jon Arbuckle: I'll have them in a jiff!

"The Nostalgia Critic: Garfield the Movie (#8.29)" (2015)
Nostalgia Critic: So Tony the Tiger's Taint accidentally knocks over the world's most accident-prone room, leading to Jon putting him outside. Oh, wait. He puts the cat outside? That's really fucking dangerous.
Garfield: You know me. I'm too lazy to try to destroy your house!
Nostalgia Critic: [as Garfield] Yeah, I'm too lazy to destroy a house, but not have several dance sequences!
Garfield: You can't keep me out of my own house like I'm some kind of animal!
[Jon shuts the door, locking Garfield out]
Nostalgia Critic: [as Garfield] Thanks for the lack of collar, by the way, in case I get lost. You're a seriously terrible owner.

Garfield: You know, Nermal, I think it's time I sent you to Abu Dhabi. In a box.

Garfield: Got milk?
Nostalgia Critic: [after a pause] Wow... You were really proud of that one, weren't you? I mean, that wasn't like a side joke, or something you said under your breath, you made sure everything went quite... to deliver that incredible zinger.
Garfield: Got milk?
Nostalgia Critic: BAM! It's a thing that's said and now you said it! It worked on so many levels. Hey, hey, I got one.
[clears throat]
Nostalgia Critic: Got any idea what the fuck they were thinking when they made this God awful PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE!

"Garfield and Friends: Super Sonic Seymour/A Mildly Mental Mix-Up/The Garfield Rap (#5.16)" (1992)
Garfield: [rapping] Some guys are trouble, some guys are fun; I'm Michael Jackson all rolled into one.

Garfield: This is the end of the Garfield rap. Now pass me a pillow, it's time for my nap.

Garfield: [rapping] Beef-by products is how they sell the parts of the cow they can't identify.

"Garfield and Friends: The Legend of the Lake/U.S. Acres: Double Oh Orson/Health Feud (#2.6)" (1989)
Jon Arbuckle: Come on, Garfield, you've got to get in shape!
Garfield: I *am* in shape! Round is a shape!

Garfield: [seeing the refrigerator empty] It's empty! And I didn't empty it!

Rick Deltoid: [seeing Garfield] Say, that is a cat, isn't it? Looks more like a mattress with whiskers.
Garfield: I hate a guy whose I.Q. is smaller than his waist.

"Garfield and Friends: One Good Fern Deserves Another/U.S. Acres: Goody-Go-Round/The Black Book (#2.5)" (1989)
Jon: [looking through black book] Let's see... "Al's Pizza Delivery", "Chow Mein City", "Ham Sandwiches 'R' Us". Garfield, this *your* little black book!
[tosses it to Garfield]
Garfield: Hey, you keep the numbers you need, I keep the numbers I need, okay?

Garfield: [hearing Jon sing in the shower] People who sing in the shower should be dragged into the street and shot. Nope, too good for him.

"Garfield and Friends: Pest of a Guest/U.S. Acres: The Impractical Joker/Fat & Furry (#2.1)" (1989)
Garfield: [on show intro] I suppose you're all wondering why I asked you here today.

Garfield: [to the 3 bag boys sacking his groceries] Step on it, men, and don't put the watermelons on top of the potato chips like last time.

"Garfield and Friends: The Mail Animal/U.S. Acres: Peanut-Brained Rooster/Mummy Dearest (#2.26)" (1989)
Herman Post: [crying]
Garfield: Gee, what a sad way to end a cartoon.

Garfield: Wait a minute! My cartoon isn't over yet! Come back! You didn't think we'd end it that way? Now where were we at? Oh yeah!

"Garfield and Friends: Magic Mutt/U.S. Acres: Short Story/Monday Misery (#1.10)" (1988)
[at the end of the intro]
Garfield: Hey, Heathcliff. Eat your heart out.

Garfield: The sun's shining. The weather's warm. What could possibly go wrong?
[suddenly, it starts raining]
Garfield: The minute I said that, I knew I was gonna find out.

"Garfield and Friends: Nighty Nightmare/U.S. Acres: Banana Nose/Ode to Odie (#1.3)" (1988)
Garfield: [opening line] Smart kids watch this show. Other kids change the channel.

Jon Arbuckle: How could anyone eat a jumbo mushroom, pineapple, sausage, pepper, olive, onion, meatball, Canadian bacon and pimento pizza all by himself?
Garfield: Plus, I usually prefer thick crust.

"Garfield and Friends: Box O' Fun/U.S. Acres: Unidentified Flying Orson/School Daze (#1.2)" (1988)
Garfield: [about the obedience trainer] No kidding, she got thrown out of the Marines for what?
Cat: Unnecessary roughness, shh!

Garfield: [imagining the box he's in is a jet that has run out of fuel and is crashing] That's the last time I buy unleaded. I'm going down, down! Looks like, this is the end!

"Garfield and Friends: Best of Breed/U.S. Acres: National Tapioca Pudding Day/All About Odie (#1.11)" (1988)
Man: [Garfield is lecturing on Odie chasing cars] What does Odie do with a car when he catches one?
Garfield: He buries it in the backyard.
[Audience stars laughing]
Garfield: What're you laughing at? You don't believe me?
Woman: Nah, we don't believe you!
Garfield: I can't believe my ears!
Audience: We can't believe your face!
Garfield: Hey, I did *not* come here to be insulted!
Man: Oh, where do you usually go? This whole thing is stupid!
Woman: Yeah, it's ridiculous!
Garfield: You think this is ridiculous? You should see this audience!
[Garfield leaves amid the booing audience and returns home to Odie]
Garfield: Hi, boy. Had fun chasing cars?
Odie: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Garfield: Those people didn't appreciate me. I told them you buried cars in the backyard and they made fun of me.
[they walk past various cars buried in the yard]
Garfield: Boy, try and educate some people.

Garfield: [during his lecture on Odie] Before we go on, are there any questions?
Man: Uh, yeah, is wrestling fixed?
Garfield: Excuse me, I should've asked, "Are there any *intelligent* questions?"

"Garfield and Friends: T.V. of Tomorrow/U.S. Acres: Little Red Riding Egg/Well-Fed Feline (#2.20)" (1989)
Jon: What are you doing Garfield?
Garfield: Guess.
Jon: Are you dancing?
Garfield: Nope.
Jon: Are you upset?
Garfield: Nope.
Jon: Are you hungry?
Garfield: Not for another two minutes.
Jon: Are you trying to warn me about something?
Garfield: Guess again.
Jon: ARGH! You're driving me crazy!
Garfield: Aw, he guessed.

Garfield: [on show intro] Wouldn't I make a great ventriloquist? My lips never move.

"Garfield and Friends: The Floyd Story/How Now, Stolen Cow?/The Second Penelope Episode (#6.8)" (1993)
Aunt Prunella: Why little kitty, you decided to serenade me with the bagpipes, how did you know I was part Scottish?
Garfield: I don't know, must be your uncanny resemblance to the Loch Ness monster.

Garfield: [on show intro] Penelope's back today, folks. Some women just can't get enough of me.

"Garfield and Friends: Skyway Robbery/U.S. Acres: The Bunny Rabbits Is Coming!/Close Encounters of the Garfield Kind (#3.1)" (1990)
Garfield: [to the camera, as Al Swindler's dilapidated plane goes down, and after Swindler has bailed out] Kids, check your TV listings! Make sure this isn't the last episode!

Jon Arbuckle: Why are my long-distance calls measured in light-years?
Garfield: Your cute little extraterrestrial must've phoned home.

"Garfield and Friends: Odielocks and the 3 Cats/U.S. Acres: Quack to the Future/Beddy Buy (#3.10)" (1990)
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, come back here! I said you could have a *light* snack!
Garfield: This *is* a light snack!
[to the camera]
Garfield: A big snack includes soup.

Garfield: [reading Odie a story] Once upon a time,
Garfield: boy how do they come up with these catchy openings?, once upon a time there was a little girl named Odielocks, Odielocks was very beautiful,
[cut to reveal that she looks like Odie in a wig and dress]
Garfield: okay so I lied she was as homely as an empty refrigerator.
Odie: Aw!

"Garfield and Friends: Identity Crisis/U.S. Acres: The Bad Sport/Up a Tree (#1.6)" (1988)
Garfield: [show intro] Pay careful attention, everyone, there will be a quiz later.

"Garfield and Friends: Garfield's Moving Experience/U.S. Acres: Wade: You're Afraid/Good Mousekeeping (#1.5)" (1988)
Garfield: This show is K-rated. No adults unless accompanied by a kid.

"Garfield and Friends: Ghost of a Chance/Roy Gets Sacked/Revenge of the Living Lunch (#5.15)" (1992)
Jon: [about the policeman] He didn't believe me.
Garfield: I wouldn't believe a man with cowboys and horsies on his pajamas either.

"Garfield and Friends: Trial and Error/An Egg-Citing Story/Supermarket Mania (#4.2)" (1991)
Garfield: [to Odie] We're less than 10 items so we can use the express lane.

"Garfield and Friends: Squeak Previews/Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Wade/A Tall Tale (#4.4)" (1991)
Nermal: Garfield! Help! This dinosaur is fifty feet tall!
Garfield: See? He's exaggerating again. That dinosaur is only forty feet tall.

"Garfield and Friends: Pros and Cons/U.S. Acres: Rooster Revenge/Lights! Camera! Garfield! (#2.9)" (1989)
Garfield: [on show intro] Eat and be lazy, kids, and someday you'll have your own show, too.

"Garfield and Friends: Canvas Back Cat/Make Believe Moon/The Creature That Lived in the Refrigerator, Behind the Mayonnaise, Next to the Ketchup and to the Left of the Cole Slaw (#5.8)" (1992)
Garfield: The creature that lives in the refrigerator, behind the mayonnaise, next to the ketchup, and to the left of the coleslaw!

"Robot Chicken: Sausage Fest (#2.16)" (2006)
Heathcliff: I was in the funny papers five years before this lame knockoff.
Garfield: Judge, if I might. I'd like to present this affidavit.
[Opens his suitcase revealing lasagna]
Garfield: Oh, sorry, your honor. I'm on a lasagna diet. I see lasagna, I eat it.
[the jury yawns]
Heathcliff: Aw, that joke sucks! Even for you!
Judge: Court agrees. That joke sucked.

"Garfield and Friends: Arbuckle the Invincible/The Monster Who Couldn't Scare Anybody/The Ocean Blue (#7.16)" (1994)
Garfield: [intro] After seven seasons, we pretty much said everything you can say on this spot.

"Garfield and Friends: Lemon Aid/U.S. Acres: Hog Noon/Video Airlines (#2.25)" (1989)
Garfield: [seeing Al G. Swindler appear again, dressed as a mechanic] Either that's the same guy or our budget for new actors is in a lot of trouble.

"Garfield and Friends: Cabin Fever/U.S. Acres: Return of Power Pig/Fair Exchange (#1.8)" (1988)
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, I'm so glad I'm me.
Garfield: And I'm glad I'm me.
[Odie comes up]
Jon Arbuckle, Garfield: [in unison] And we're both glad we're not Odie.