Alfred Pennyworth
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Quotes for
Alfred Pennyworth (Character)
from Batman Begins (2005)

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Batman Begins (2005)
[one of Ra's' henchmen watches Wayne Manor burn, to make sure no one comes out; Alfred sneaks up and knocks him out with a golf club]
Alfred Pennyworth: I hope you're not a member of the fire brigade.

Bruce Wayne: Give it a try!
[Alfred turns on the lights of the cave]
Alfred Pennyworth: Charming.
[looks up and sees thousands of bats]
Alfred Pennyworth: At least you'll have company.

Bruce Wayne: [as Alfred opens the curtains] Bats are nocturnal.
Alfred Pennyworth: Bats may be, but even for billionaire playboys, three o'clock is pushing it. The price of leading a double life, I fear. Your theatrics made an impression.
[shows the newspaper to Bruce]
Bruce Wayne: Theatricality and deception are powerful weapons, Alfred. It's a good start.
Alfred Pennyworth: If those are to be the first of many injuries to come, it would be wise to find a suitable excuse. Polo, for instance.
Bruce Wayne: I'm not learning polo, Alfred.
Alfred Pennyworth: Strange injuries a non-existent social life, these things beg the question as to what exactly does Bruce Wayne do with his time and his money.
Bruce Wayne: And what does someone like me do?
Alfred Pennyworth: Drive sports cars, date movie stars, buy things that are not for sale... who knows, Master Wayne? You start pretending to have fun, you might even have a little by accident.

Alfred Pennyworth: Master Wayne, you've been gone a long time.
Bruce Wayne: Yes I have.
Alfred Pennyworth: You look very fashionable. Apart from the mud.

Bruce Wayne: Have you told anyone I'm coming back?
Alfred Pennyworth: Well, I just couldn't figure the legal ramifications of bringing you back from the dead.
Bruce Wayne: Dead?
Alfred Pennyworth: You've been gone seven years.
Bruce Wayne: You had me declared dead?
Alfred Pennyworth: Well, actually it was Mr. Earle, he's taking the company public. He wanted to liquidate your majority shareholding. Those shares are worth quite a bit of money.
Bruce Wayne: Well, it's a good thing I left everything to you, then.
Alfred Pennyworth: Quite so, sir. And you can borrow the Rolls if you like. Just bring it back with a full tank.

Bruce Wayne: We need to send these people away now.
Alfred Pennyworth: Those are Bruce Wayne's guests out there, sir. You have a name to maintain.
Bruce Wayne: I don't care about my name.
Alfred Pennyworth: It's not just your name, sir! It's your father's name! And it's all that's left of him. Don't destroy it.

[greets Bruce from the entryway of a private jet, seeing him for the first time after he left Gotham City seven years before to travel the world anonymously and train himself to fight criminals]
Alfred Pennyworth: You look very fashionable. Apart from the mud.

Alfred Pennyworth: [referring to ordering the separate cowl pieces from Asia] They'll have to be, uh, large orders, uh, to avoid suspicion.
Bruce Wayne: How large?
Alfred Pennyworth: Say, uh, 10,000.
Bruce Wayne: Well, at least we'll have spares.

[Alfred smashes a prototype cowl with a baseball bat]
Alfred Pennyworth: It's a problem with the graphite, sir. The next 10,000 will be up to specifications.
Bruce Wayne: At least they gave us a discount.
Alfred Pennyworth: Quite. In the, uh, meantime, Sir, may I suggest you try to avoid landing on your head?

Alfred Pennyworth: When you told me your grand plan for saving Gotham, the only thing that stopped me from calling the men in white coats was when you said that it wasn't about thrill-seeking.
Bruce Wayne: It's not.
Alfred Pennyworth: What would you call *that*?
[points to a TV news report showing a helicopter shot of the Batmobile being chased down the freeway by police cars]
Bruce Wayne: [as he fixes his tie] Damn good television.
Alfred Pennyworth: It's a miracle no one was killed.
Bruce Wayne: Didn't have time to observe the rules of the road, Alfred.

Alfred Pennyworth: [to Bruce] Batman may have made the front page, but Bruce Wayne got pushed to page eight.
[Bruce reads the headline: "Drunken Billionaire Burns Down Home."]

Rachel Dawes: [looking at the ruins of the burned down Wayne Manor] What will you do?
Bruce Wayne: Rebuild it. Just the way it was, brick for brick.
Alfred Pennyworth: *Just* the way it was, sir?
Bruce Wayne: Yeah. Why?
Alfred Pennyworth: I thought this might be a good opportunity for improving the foundations.
Bruce Wayne: In the south-east corner?
Alfred Pennyworth: Precisely, sir.

[as Wayne Manor is burning down]
Bruce Wayne: What have I done, Alfred? Everything my family... my father built...
Alfred Pennyworth: The Wayne legacy is more than bricks and mortar, sir.
Bruce Wayne: I wanted to save Gotham. I failed.
Alfred Pennyworth: Why do we fall sir? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.
Bruce Wayne: You still haven't given up on me?
Alfred Pennyworth: Never.

[trying to lug a burning roof beam off of a helpless Bruce]
Alfred Pennyworth: What is the point of all those push-ups if you can't even lift a bloody log?

Alfred Pennyworth: [walking through the Batcave] In the Civil War, your great-great grandfather was involved in the Underground Railroad, secretly transporting freed slaves to the North. And I suspect these caverns came in handy.

Alfred Pennyworth: Took quite a fall, didn't we, Master Bruce?
Thomas Wayne: And why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.

Alfred Pennyworth: Why bats, Master Wayne?
Bruce Wayne: Bats frighten me. It's time my enemies shared my dread.

Alfred Pennyworth: Are you coming back to Gotham for long, sir?
Bruce Wayne: As long as it takes. I'm gonna show the people of Gotham their city doesn't belong to the criminals and the corrupt.
Alfred Pennyworth: In the depression, your father nearly bankrupted Wayne Enterprises combating poverty. He believed that his example could inspire the wealthy of Gotham to save their city.
Bruce Wayne: Did it?
Alfred Pennyworth: In a way. Their murder shocked the wealthy and the powerful into action.
Bruce Wayne: People need dramatic examples to shake them out of apathy and I can't do that as Bruce Wayne. As a man, I'm flesh and blood, I can be ignored, I can be destroyed; but as a symbol... as a symbol I can be incorruptible, I can be everlasting.
Alfred Pennyworth: What symbol?
Bruce Wayne: Something elemental, something terrifying.
Alfred Pennyworth: I assume that as you're taking on the underworld, this symbol is a persona to protect those you care about from reprisals.
Bruce Wayne: You're thinking about Rachel?
Alfred Pennyworth: Actually, sir, I was thinking of myself.

Alfred Pennyworth: Will you be heading back to Princeton after the hearing, sir, or can I persuade you to stay on for a day or two?
Bruce Wayne: I'm not heading back at all.
Alfred Pennyworth: You don't like it there?
Bruce Wayne: I like it fine. They just don't feel the same way.
Alfred Pennyworth: I've prepared the master bedroom.
Bruce Wayne: No. My room will be fine.
Alfred Pennyworth: With all due respect, sir, Wayne Manor is your house.
Bruce Wayne: No, Alfred, it's my father's house.
Alfred Pennyworth: Your father is dead, Master Wayne.
Bruce Wayne: And this place is a mausoleum. If I have my way, I'll pull the damn thing down brick by brick.
Alfred Pennyworth: This house, Master Wayne, has sheltered six generations of your family.
Bruce Wayne: Why do you give a damn, Alfred? It's not your family.
Alfred Pennyworth: I give a damn, because a good man once made me responsible for what was most precious to him in the whole world. Miss Dawes has offered to drive you to the hearing. She probably hopes to talk you out of going.
Bruce Wayne: Should I just bury the past out there with my parents, Alfred?
Alfred Pennyworth: I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do with your past, sir. Just know that there are those of us who care about what you do with your future.
Bruce Wayne: Haven't given up on me yet?
Alfred Pennyworth: Never.

Alfred Pennyworth: [walking through the Batcave] In the Civil War, your great-great grandfather was involved in the underground railroad, secretly transporting free slaves to the North. And I suspect these caverns came in handy.


Batman: Arkham Origins (2013) (VG)
Alfred Pennyworth: Eight assassins after your head. What are you going to do?
Bruce Wayne: I'm going to find out who was operating this drone and make them tell me what they know. Then I'm going to find Black Mask, and put an end to this.

Alfred Pennyworth: I hope you will try to keep a low profile tonight, sir.
Bruce Wayne: Trust me. I'll take out those assassins before they even know I'm there.
Alfred Pennyworth: It's not just that. If some curious child looks out to see who's pattering across their rooftop, they'll expect Santa Claus, not a black-clad, bat-creature.
Bruce Wayne: I don't patter.
[Alfred groans]

Alfred Pennyworth: You do realize, it is Christmas Eve, sir?

Alfred Pennyworth: Sir, I've highlighted a nearby manhole on your map. Those sewer tunnels lead directly under the GCPD.
Bruce Wayne: Good work, Alfred.
Alfred Pennyworth: And sir, do try to keep out of the uh... muck down there. Remember who has to clean your suit.

Alfred Pennyworth: Master Bruce. Stop. Master Bruce. BRUCE!
Bruce Wayne: What are you...
Alfred Pennyworth: I will not in good conscience allow you to go. You are outmatched by these assassins and...
Bruce Wayne: I'm what?
Alfred Pennyworth: ...you're not some hardened vigilante. You're a young man with a trust fund and too much anger. You are in over your head and I don't want this to be your end.
Bruce Wayne: Alfred, who do you see when you look at me? The boy whose shoes you used to tie every morning, the teenager you drove to his first date? While you are here every night, I am out there... the ONLY THING between the innocent and the predatory...
Alfred Pennyworth: You may be, but...
Bruce Wayne: No, not 'may be'. I am. When the mugger or the thief stop to think twice, that is fear. That is what I am. That is why they hired assassins - because I am the reason the criminals breathe easier when the sun rises. So no, Alfred, I am NOT in over my head. Tonight will not be my end. But it will be theirs.

Alfred Pennyworth: I know I haven't always been supportive of what you do... but I understand now. Go, they need you out there.
Bruce Wayne: I can't defend Gotham. I can't even defend my own home.
Alfred Pennyworth: Master Bruce...
GCPD Dispatcher: [over radio] Multiple casualties reported! Code Ten! I repeat, Code Ten! Any available unit, repeat, any available unit, please respond...
[Bruce turns off the radio]
Alfred Pennyworth: Master Bruce, now is not the time for doubt!
Bruce Wayne: I can't do it. I can't stop them.
Alfred Pennyworth: No, you can't... not on your own. But it's high time you realize you're a man, not an island.
[Alfred places the cowl in front of Bruce]
Alfred Pennyworth: And a man's strength comes not from just brawn and intelligence... but also from his allies.
[Alfred turns the radio back on]
GCPD Dispatcher: Priority one alert: the Joker has escaped from his cell and is leading the riots at Blackgate. Repeat: the Joker has taken over the entire prison. Multiple casualties, multiple hostages - civilians and prison guards. Again, we have lost Blackgate. Captain Gordon is calling on anyone, *anyone*, for assistance!
[Bruce puts the cowl on]
Alfred Pennyworth: They need you.
Bruce Wayne: No, they need *us*.

Alfred Pennyworth: Assassins, sir? As in more than one?
Batman: That's right.
Alfred Pennyworth: And you heard this from the mouth of a crocodile man?
Batman: His name is Killer Croc. And he's already behind bars.
Alfred Pennyworth: [sees photos of Croc] Hmm, I pity his cellmate.
Batman: I don't.

Batman: They're all hired killers, the best in the business. Black Mask isn't messing around. Slade Wilson - Deathstroke. Former military, subject of a failed medical experiment.
[Slade beats up a squad of Black Mask's thugs single-handed]
Alfred Pennyworth: Failed, you say?
Batman: Garfield Lynns, a.k.a. Firefly. Burns on 90 percent of his body. His obsession is going to be his end.
Alfred Pennyworth: How unlike anyone I know.

Batman: Floyd Lawton, a.k.a. Deadshot. Says here he's an expert marksman.
[Deadshot fires a round that ricochets behind him and kills several of Black Mask's thugs at his back]
Alfred Pennyworth: How on earth...?
Batman: Suspected of many assassinations. Dangerous, but reckless. Street tough named Lester Buchinsky. Calls himself Electrocutioner.
Alfred Pennyworth: Shocking.

Alfred Pennyworth: [while Batman is exploring Gotham City] It's midnight, sir. So I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas.
Bruce Wayne: Thanks.

[Alfred is mortally wounded]
Batman: Alfred, you can't-!
Alfred Pennyworth: [whispering] Don't add me to the weight you carry.

Alfred Pennyworth: [over radio] Sir, I've been listening to the reports coming out of Blackgate. Everything OK?
Batman: I should be asking you that. How are you feeling?
Alfred Pennyworth: Well, it's not every day that one's heart must be crudely restarted by defibrillation, but I must say, I feel remarkably well, considering.


The Dark Knight (2008)
Bruce Wayne: [while in the underground bat cave] Targeting me won't get their money back. I knew the mob wouldn't go down without a fight, but this is different. They crossed the line.
Alfred Pennyworth: You crossed the line first, sir. You squeezed them, you hammered them to the point of desperation. And in their desperation, they turned to a man they didn't fully understand.
Bruce Wayne: Criminals aren't complicated, Alfred. Just have to figure out what he's after.
Alfred Pennyworth: With respect Master Wayne, perhaps this is a man that *you* don't fully understand, either. A long time ago, I was in Burma. My friends and I were working for the local government. They were trying to buy the loyalty of tribal leaders by bribing them with precious stones. But their caravans were being raided in a forest north of Rangoon by a bandit. So, we went looking for the stones. But in six months, we never met anybody who traded with him. One day, I saw a child playing with a ruby the size of a tangerine. The bandit had been throwing them away.
Bruce Wayne: So why steal them?
Alfred Pennyworth: Well, because he thought it was good sport. Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.

Harvey Dent: Alfred, right?
Alfred Pennyworth: [during the fundraiser party held for Harvey Dent] That's right, sir.
Harvey Dent: Yeah, Rachel talks about you all the time. You've known her, her whole life!
Alfred Pennyworth: Oh, not yet, sir.
Harvey Dent: Heh heh heh. Any psychotic ex-boyfriends I should be aware of?
Alfred Pennyworth: [smiles] Oh, you have no idea.

Alfred Pennyworth: [as they leave the underground bat cave] I suppose they'll lock me up as well. As your accomplice...
Bruce Wayne: [jokingly] Accomplice? I'm going to tell them the whole thing was your idea.

Alfred Pennyworth: [while in the underground bat cave] Know your limits, Master Wayne.
Bruce Wayne: Batman has no limits.
Alfred Pennyworth: Well, you do, sir.
Bruce Wayne: Well, can't afford to know 'em.
Alfred Pennyworth: And what happens on the day that you find out?
Bruce Wayne: Well, we all know how much you love to say "I told you so."
Alfred Pennyworth: On that day, Master Wayne, even I won't want to. Probably.

Bruce Wayne: [while in the underground bat cave] People are dying, Alfred. What would you have me do?
Alfred Pennyworth: Endure, Master Wayne. Take it. They'll hate you for it, but that's the point of Batman, he can be the outcast. He can make the choice that no one else can make, the right choice.
Bruce Wayne: Well today I found out what Batman can't do. He can't endure this. Today you get to say "I told you so."
Alfred Pennyworth: Today, I don't want to.
[pauses for several moments]
Alfred Pennyworth: But I did bloody tell you.

Bruce Wayne: You look tired, Alfred. You'll be all right without me?
Alfred Pennyworth: [looking at all the sunbathing women] You can tell me the Russian for, "Apply your own bloody suntan lotion."

Bruce Wayne: [in his high rise apartment] The bandit, in the forest in Burma, did you catch him?
Alfred Pennyworth: Yes.
Bruce Wayne: How?
Alfred Pennyworth: We burned the forest down.

Alfred Pennyworth: [looks at the large gash on Bruce's arm] Did you get mauled by a tiger?
Bruce Wayne: [quietly] It was a dog.
Alfred Pennyworth: Huh?
Bruce Wayne: It was a big dog!
[pause]
Bruce Wayne: More copycats last night, Alfred, with guns.
Alfred Pennyworth: Why don't you hire them and take the weekend off?

Alfred Pennyworth: Will you be wanting the Batpod, sir?
Bruce Wayne: In the middle of the day, Alfred? Not very subtle.
Alfred Pennyworth: The Lamborghini, then.
[with deadpan sarcasm]
Alfred Pennyworth: Much more subtle.

Alfred Pennyworth: You spat in the faces of Gotham's worse criminals. Didn't you think there might be some casualties? Things were always going to get worse before they got better.

Bruce Wayne: I knew the mob wouldn't go down without a fight. But this is different, they crossed the line.
Alfred Pennyworth: You crossed the line first, sir. You hammered then and in their desperation they turned to a man they didn't fully understand. Some men aren't looking for anything logical. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.

Alfred Pennyworth: I trust you don't have *me* followed on my day off.
Bruce Wayne: If you ever took one, I might.


The Dark Knight Rises (2012)
[from trailer]
Alfred: You are as precious to me as you were to your own mother and father. I swore to them that I would protect you, and I haven't.

[from trailer]
Alfred: Don't worry, Master Wayne. It takes a little time to get back into the swing of things.

Alfred: [to Bruce] Remember when you left Gotham? Before all this, before Batman? You were gone seven years. Seven years I waited, hoping that you wouldn't come back. Every year, I took a holiday. I went to Florence, there's this cafe, on the banks of the Arno. Every fine evening, I'd sit there and order a Fernet Branca. I had this fantasy, that I would look across the tables and I'd see you there, with a wife and maybe a couple of kids. You wouldn't say anything to me, nor me to you. But we'd both know that you'd made it, that you were happy. I never wanted you to come back to Gotham. I always knew there was nothing here for you, except pain and tragedy. And I wanted something more for you than that. I still do.

Alfred: [about Selina Kyle] You two should exchange notes over coffee.
Bruce Wayne: So now you're trying to set me up with a jewel thief?
Alfred: At this point, I'd set you up with a chimpanzee if it'd brought you back to the world!
Bruce Wayne: There's nothing out there for me.
Alfred: And that's the problem. You hung up your cape and your cowl, but you didn't move on, you never went to find a life, to find someone...
Bruce Wayne: Alfred... I did find someone.
Alfred: I know, and you lost her. But that's all part of living, sir. But you're not living. You're just waiting, hoping for things to go bad again.

Alfred: If you're seriously considering going back out there, you should hear the rumors surrounding Bane.
Bruce Wayne: I'm all ears.
Alfred: There is a prison in a more ancient part of the world, a pit where men are thrown to suffer and die. But sometimes a man rises from the darkness. Sometimes the pit sends something back.
Bruce Wayne: Bane.
Alfred: Right. Born and raised in hell on earth.
Bruce Wayne: Born in prison?
Alfred: No one knows why or how he escaped, but they do know that once he did he was trained by Ra's Al Ghul, your mentor.
Bruce Wayne: Bane was a member of The League of Shadows.
Alfred: And then he was excommunicated. And any man who is too extreme for Ra's Al Ghul is not to be trifled with.

Bruce Wayne: If this man is everything that you say he is, then this city needs me.
Alfred: This city needs Bruce Wayne, your resources, your knowledge. It doesn't need your body, or your life. That time has passed.
Bruce Wayne: You're afraid that if I go back out there I'll fail.
Alfred: No. I'm afraid that you want to.

Alfred: [at Bruce's grave] I'm so sorry. I failed you. You trusted me, and I failed you.

Alfred: I'll get this to Mr. Fox, but no more. I've sewn you up, I've set your bones, but I won't bury you. I've buried enough members of the Wayne family.
Bruce Wayne: You'll leave me?
Alfred: You see only one end to your journey. Leaving is all I have to make you understand, you're not Batman anymore. You have to find another way. You used to talk about finishing a life beyond that awful cape.
Bruce Wayne: Rachel died believing that we would be together; that was my life beyond the cape. I can't just move on. She didn't, she couldn't.
Alfred: What if she had? What if, before she died, she wrote a letter saying she chose Harvey Dent over you? And what if, to spare your pain, I burnt that letter?
Bruce Wayne: How dare you use Rachel to try to stop me?
Alfred: I am using the truth, Master Wayne. Maybe it's time we all stop trying to outsmart the truth and let it have its day. I'm sorry.
Bruce Wayne: You're sorry? You expect to destroy my world and then think we're going to shake hands?
Alfred: No... no, I know what this means.
Bruce Wayne: What does it mean?
Alfred: It means your hatred... and it also means losing someone that I have cared for since I first heard his cries echo through this house. But it might also mean saving your life. And that is more important.
Bruce Wayne: Goodbye, Alfred.

[Bruce straps braces onto his leg, grimacing with pain]
Alfred Pennyworth: Is it really painful?
Bruce Wayne: Well, you're welcome to try it, Alfred.
Alfred Pennyworth: Happy watching, thank you, sir.

[watching video of Bane taking out the stock exchange security]
Alfred: That is a man who fights with the power of belief.


Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)
Bruce Wayne: We're criminals, Alfred. We've always been criminals. Nothing's changed.
Alfred: Oh, yes it has, sir. Everything's changed. Men fall from the sky, the gods hurl thunderbolts, innocents die. That's how it starts, sir. The fever, the rage, the feeling of powerlessness that turns good men... cruel.

Bruce Wayne: Still working? You're getting slow in your old age, Alfred.
Alfred: It comes to us all, Master Wayne. Even you've got too old to die young, though not for lack of trying.

Alfred: You're gonna go to war?
Bruce Wayne: That son of a bitch brought the war to us two years ago. Jesus, Alfred, count the dead... thousands of people. What's next? Millions? He has the power to wipe out the entire human race, and if we believe there's even a one percent chance that he is our enemy we have to take it as an absolute certainty... and we have to destroy him.
Alfred: But he is not our enemy!
Bruce Wayne: Not today. Twenty years in Gotham, Alfred; we've seen what promises are worth. How many good guys are left? How many stayed that way?

Alfred: You know you can't win this. It's suicide.
Bruce Wayne: I'm older now than my father ever was. This may be the only thing I do that matters.
Alfred: Twenty years of fighting criminals amounts to nothing?
Bruce Wayne: Criminals are like weeds, Alfred; pull one up, another grows in its place. This is about the future of the world. This is my legacy.

Alfred: Thermal imaging is showing me two dozen hostiles on the third floor. Why don't I drop you off on the second?

Alfred: Master Wayne, since the age of seven you've been into the art of deception like Mozart to the harpsichord, but you've never been too hot at lying to me.

Alfred: [looking at an empty wine bottle] I hope the next generation of Waynes won't inherit an empty wine cellar. Not that there's likely to be a next generation...

Bruce Wayne: I can't stay down here, Alfred.
Alfred: Go upstairs and socialize. Some young lady from Metropolis will make you honest.
[to self]
Alfred: In your dreams, Alfred...

Alfred: Master Wayne.
Batman: Alfred.
Alfred: I'm sorry for listening in but I've tracked the Russian's phone to a warehouse near the port. You're locked onto it.
Batman: I don't deserve you, Alfred.
Alfred: No, sir, you don't.

Bruce Wayne: I can't stay down here, Alfred.
Alfred: Go upstair and socialize. Some young lady from Metropolis will make you honest.
[Talking to himself]
Alfred: In your dreams, Alfred...


Batman Forever (1995)
Alfred Pennyworth: [Bruce is with Chase when he contacts him] I'm sorry to bother you, sir. But I have some rather distressing news about Master Dick.
Bruce Wayne: What, is he all right?
Alfred Pennyworth: I'm afraid Master Dick has... gone traveling.
Bruce Wayne: He ran away?
Alfred Pennyworth: Actually, he took the car.
Bruce Wayne: He boosted the Jag?
Alfred Pennyworth: Not the Jaguar. The other car.
Bruce Wayne: The Bentley?
Alfred Pennyworth: No, sir. The other car.

[first lines]
Alfred Pennyworth: Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir?
Batman: I'll get drive-thru.

Alfred Pennyworth: Master Bruce. Master Bruce. How are you, young man?
Bruce Wayne: You haven't called me that for a long time.
Alfred Pennyworth: Old habits die hard. Are you all right?
Bruce Wayne: Where's Chase?
Alfred Pennyworth: I'm afraid they've taken Dr. Meridian. Master Dick has run away. The cave has been destroyed. And there's another riddle.

Bruce Wayne: "We're 5 little items of an everyday sort. You'll find us all in a tennis court". In... A-E-I-O-U. Vowels.
Alfred Pennyworth: Not entirely unclever, sir, but what do a clock, a match, chess pawns, and vowels have in common? What do these riddles mean?
Bruce Wayne: Every riddle has a number in the question and they arrived at this order: 13, 1, 8, and 5.
Alfred Pennyworth: 13, 1, 8, and 5. What do they mean?
Bruce Wayne: Perhaps letters of the alphabet?
Alfred Pennyworth: Of course, 13 is M.
Bruce Wayne: 1 would be A, 8 would be H, and 5 would be E.
Alfred Pennyworth: M-A-H-E.
Bruce Wayne: Perhaps 1 and 8 are 18.
Alfred Pennyworth: 18 is R. M-R-E.
Bruce Wayne: How about Mr. E.?
Alfred Pennyworth: Mystery.
Bruce Wayne: And another name for mystery?
Alfred Pennyworth: Enigma.
Bruce Wayne: Mr. E. Nygma. Edward Nygma. Stickley's suicide was obviously a computer-generated forgery.
Alfred Pennyworth: You really are quite bright, despite what people say.

[Dick tries to open a door in Wayne Manor, but it won't budge]
Alfred Pennyworth: May I help you, Master Grayson?
Dick Grayson: How come this is the only locked door in this museum? What've you got back here?
Alfred Pennyworth: Master Wayne's dead wives.
[Dick gives him a look]
Alfred Pennyworth: The silver closet. On your way.

Alfred Pennyworth: Broken wings mend in time. One day Robin will fly again. I promise.

Alfred Pennyworth: Young men with a mind for revenge need little encouragement. They need guidance. You, above all, should know the consequences of the life you choose.

Alfred Pennyworth: Is the young master leaving? Pity. I'll just toss this away, then. Perhaps the dogs are hungry.

Alfred Pennyworth: The eight of us go forth, not back. To protect our king from the foe's attack.


Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman (2003) (V)
Bruce Wayne: The last thing Gotham City needs is a vigilante running amuck.
Alfred Pennyworth: As they say on the streets, "I ain't touchin' that one."

Alfred Pennyworth: Exactly what is it you hope to discover?
Bruce Wayne: What a beautiful young woman does in her free time.
Alfred Pennyworth: A pleasure drive, then.

Alfred Pennyworth: [reading a newspaper] I see where Dennis the Menace is one step closer to Juvenile Hall.

Bruce Wayne: You know, Alfred, I think I could use a new watch.
Alfred Pennyworth: You deserve it, sir.

Alfred Pennyworth: I see Ms. Duquesne is gifted in other sports besides extreme shopping.

Bruce Wayne: The point is, her costume links to me. Why? What does she have planned? How far will she go?
Alfred Pennyworth: Well, do be careful, sir. Remember, there are many species in which the female is deadlier than the male.

Bruce Wayne: How many stores does this make so far?
Alfred Pennyworth: Including the nail boutique? Seven, and not one sale on explosives.

Alfred Pennyworth: I never fail to marvel at your narrow escapes, sir.
Bruce Wayne: One female bat at a time.


Batman Returns (1992)
[last lines]
Alfred: Well, come what may. Merry Christmas, Mister Wayne.
Bruce Wayne: Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will toward men... and women.

Alfred: Let's not forget about repairing the Batmobile. There's certain security to consider. It's not as though we can take it to any old "Joe's bodyshop," is it, sir?
Bruce Wayne: Security? Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave? I'm sitting there working and I turn around, there she is. "Oh hi, Vick - come on in."

Alfred: Why are you still out? Are you concerned about that strange, heroic Penguin person?
Batman: I think he knows who his parents are. There's something else.

Alfred: Why are you now determined to prove that this Penguin is not what he seems? Must you be the only lonely man-beast in town?

Alfred: Sir, shall we change the channel to a program with some dignity and class? The Love Connection, perhaps?

Bruce Wayne: Here's what I want you to do... tell Selina - tell Miss Kyle in there - tell her, uh, tell her I had to go out of town, a big business deal came up or some... no, you know what? Tell her, you know, not in some dumb, "be my girlfriend" kind of way...
Alfred: I will relay the message.
Bruce Wayne: Great.
[runs out]
Alfred: Miss Kyle...
Selina Kyle: Alfred, hi!
Alfred: Mr. Wayne told me to tell you...
Selina Kyle: Mr. Wayne? Oh, Bruce. Yes. Um, would you tell him for me that, uh, I've been going through a lot of changes, and... no. Um, just that this is not a rejection, my abruptly leaving. In fact, he makes me feel the way I hope I really am... no! Could you just make up a sonnet or something? A dirty limerick?
Alfred: One has just sprung to mind.
Selina Kyle: Thanks!
[runs out]

Bruce Wayne: [reading news archives on the Red Triangle Circus] "Red Triangle Circus put on a swell show with fierce lions... circus returns with a Freak Show, may not be suitable for kids. Featuring a poodle lady, the world's fattest man... and an aquatic bird boy."
Alfred: Why are you so determined to prove this Penguin is not what he seems? Must you be the only lonely man-beast in town?
Bruce Wayne: [continues reading] "... circus folded its tents yesterday, perhaps forever after numerous reports of missing children. In several towns, police have closed down the Red Triangle's fairgrounds, however at least one freak show performer vanished before he could be questioned."
Alfred: I suppose you feel better now, sir.
Bruce Wayne: No, actually I feel worse.

Bruce Wayne: [working on the Batcomputer. Alfred sets down a bowl of soup in front of him. He picks up the spoon and takes a sip, only to spit it out] Cold!
Alfred: It's vichyssoise.
Bruce Wayne: [stares, not knowing why it's important]
Alfred: It's *supposed* to be cold.


Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993)
Arthur Reeves: [on TV] What kind of city are we running when we depend on the support of a potential madman!
[click]
Alfred: What rot, sir! Why you're the very model of sanity. Oh by the way, I pressed your tights and put away your exploding gas balls.
Bruce Wayne: Thank you, Alfred.

Alfred: Vengeance blackens the soul, Bruce. I've always feared that you would become that which you fought against. You walk the edge of that abyss every night, but you haven't fallen in and I thank heaven for that.

[Bruce's crime-fighting training is derailed by his infatuation with Andrea]
Bruce Wayne: What am I doing, Alfred? This isn't part of the Plan! I must be going nuts!
Alfred Pennyworth: If I may be so bold, sir, I'd say quite the opposite.

Batman: You think you know everything about me, don't you?
Alfred Pennyworth: I diapered your bottom; I bloody well ought to, *sir*!

[Alfred sees Batman in costume for the first time]
Alfred Pennyworth: My... God!

Alfred Pennyworth: There are certain advantages to having a sturdy cranium, Master Bruce. But then, hardheadedness was always your virtue.


Batman & Robin (1997)
Alfred: There is no defeat in death, Master Bruce. Victory comes in defending what we know is right while we still live.

Bruce Wayne: Well, he's over-eager. He's impulsive. I can't trust him not to get hurt.
Alfred: Perhaps the truth is you really don't trust anyone.
Bruce Wayne: Oh, don't tell me you're on his side, again.
Alfred: Despite all your talents, you are still a novice in the ways of family. Master Dick follows the same star as you but gets there by his own course. You must learn to trust him, for that is the nature of family.
Bruce Wayne: I trust *you*, Alfred.
Alfred: But I shan't be here forever.

[Alfred misses the doorbell]
Alfred: I must have dozed off. My sincerest apologies.
Bruce Wayne: Oh, there's no apology necessary, Alfred. It's the first time it's happened in 30 years.

[last lines]
Barbara Wilson: Partners?
Dick Grayson: Partners.
Bruce Wayne: Partners.
Alfred: We're going to need a bigger cave.

Batgirl: [in the Batcave; Alfred's image is on a computer screen] Uncle Alfred, it's me, Barbara!
Alfred: I expected you might find your way down here. I programmed my brain al-algorithms into the Batcomputer to create a virtual simu-simulation.
Batgirl: I want to help Batman and Robin.
Alfred: I anticipated you would, and took the liberty to create something in your size.
Batgirl: Suit me up, Uncle Alfred!

Bruce Wayne: Alfred, am I pig headed? Is it always my way or the highway?
Alfred: Yes, actually. Death and chance, stole your parents. But rather than become a victim, you have done everything in your power to control the fates. For what is Batman? If not an effort to master the chaos that sweeps our world. An attempt to control death, itself.
Bruce Wayne: [pause] But I can't, can I?
Alfred: None of us can.


"Gotham: Rise of the Villains: Knock, Knock (#2.2)" (2015)
[Alfred Pennyworth agrees to help train Bruce Wayne]
Alfred Pennyworth: If I agree to help you, to make you ready, you must do exactly as I say and when I say it with no exceptions, is that understood?
Bruce Wayne: Understood. But, in return, you must fix that computer.
Alfred Pennyworth: Fix it? How on earth am I gonna do that?
Bruce Wayne: That's not my problem. I'm not the one who broke it.

[Bruce Wayne talks to Alfred Pennyworth at the train station to not leave]
Bruce Wayne: I don't want you to go, Alfred. But you're either with me or you're against me. And if you're against me, I don't have a choice.
Alfred Pennyworth: I'm with you, Master Bruce. I've always been with you. But what you're doing is tantamount to suicide. This is big boy stuff. You're too young; you're not ready.
Bruce Wayne: Then make me ready. You-You've lived a dangerous life, and you've survived. So teach me. Teach me how to do the same. I'll do whatever it takes. I'll train every day.
Alfred Pennyworth: Yeah, well, you said that before, didn't you?
Bruce Wayne: That was before. Now I know the truth. And I know what I have to do. I'll even go back to school, if you want.
Alfred Pennyworth: School, even?

[Alfred Pennyworth confronts Lucius Fox at a bar]
Alfred Pennyworth: You know... I once knew this geezer called Onslow on the island of Dogs in east end of London. Lairy little scalleywag, he was. He was, uh, too smart by half; never trusted him. Anyway, one day, Lucius, he comes bowling up to me, and asks me to do him this right iffy favor. Oh, it doesn't matter what it was. The point being, against my better judgment, I agreed to do it. But, Lucius, I told him, I told him straight. If you let me down Onslow, I will tuck you up, sunshine, like a kipper. He swears blind, swears on his mother's grave he'd never do such a thing. But of course he did. Couldn't help himself; he let me down. So I tucked him up. Like a kipper.
Lucius Fox: What is a Kipper?
Alfred Pennyworth: It's a type of smoked fish. Very nice with eggs and brown toast for breakfast. But what I learned from Onslow is this. There are two types of people on this planet, you see. Them you can trust... and them you can't.
Lucius Fox: I cannot disagree.
Alfred Pennyworth: Which kind are you?
Lucius Fox: Both kinds of people would give you the same answer, wouldn't they?
Alfred Pennyworth: Exactly. Exactly right. There lieth the problem, Lucius. You see, I need to confide in you. But I need to know that you're trustworthy.
Lucius Fox: Perhaps I should decline your confidence. I don't like the sound of these kippers.

[Alfred Pennyworth threatens Lucius Fox for if he betrays him and Bruce Wayne]
Alfred Pennyworth: I mean, it's you, after all, Lucius, that created this mess when you told young Master Bruce that his dear old dead dad... was a stoic.
Lucius Fox: Ah.
Alfred Pennyworth: Ah, exactly. You see, there's a problem, I got no one else to turn to. I have to confide in you.
Lucius Fox: I see.
Alfred Pennyworth: Do you? Let me just be crystal clear about this. If it turns out... that I can't trust you, I swear on my mother's grave, you, my old sausage... are a dead man.
Lucius Fox: I have only the best intentions for Bruce Wayne.
Alfred Pennyworth: [Alfred leans back with a smile calling out to the bartender] Well, another gin and tonic please, uh, governor. And whatever this young man is drinking, one for yourself. How are you at fixing computers?

Bruce Wayne: This computer could contain all my father's research into Wayne Enterprises. All this time, I've been looking for a smoking gun, and here it is.
Alfred Pennyworth: Exactly. A smoking gun. Now, guns are for grown-ups, aren't they?
Bruce Wayne: That's a metaphor, Alfred, not an argument.


Batman: Arkham Knight (2015) (VG)
Alfred Pennyworth: Well, I presume it's the League, sir. The reporting officer's precise words were, and I quote, "crazy-ass ninjas".
Batman: Thanks, Alfred. I'll investigate.

Alfred Pennyworth: [about the Dolltrons] It brings to mind a spate of murders at the beginning of your career. It was Halloween then if I'm not mistaken, turned out to be rather a long one if I recall...

[after Batman apologized to Jason Todd]
Batman: Alfred. It's... I've found Jason.
Alfred Pennyworth: Excuse me, sir, I must have misheard you. For a moment, I thought you said that you'd found Master Todd.
Batman: You heard right.
Alfred Pennyworth: My God. Is he alright?
[Batman turns to see that Jason has fled]
Batman: No. No he's not.

Alfred Pennyworth: Master Bruce, BATMAN, You have to listen to me, what would your father say if he saw you like this, please, please stop this rampage.
The Joker: Oh Alfred, Sweet Loyal Alfred, Master Bruce is gone but don't you worry your new master is coming home.

Alfred Pennyworth: So, it's over, the whole world knows. What now?
Batman: Gotham still needs Batman. For one last night.
Alfred Pennyworth: And then?
Batman: Initiate Knightfall Protocol.
Alfred Pennyworth: Are you sure?
Batman: It's the only way, Alfred.
Alfred Pennyworth: It needs voice confirmation.
Batman: Martha.
Alfred Pennyworth: Very good, sir.


Son of Batman (2014) (V)
Batman: Alfred?
Batman: Yes, sir.
Batman: We're going to have company.
Alfred Pennyworth: A sleepover? Oh, goody.

Damian Wayne: So this is the fabled Batcave. Grandfather told me about it. Smaller than I imagined. Very efficient, though.
Alfred Pennyworth: He is the spitting image of you at that age. It's a bit chilling.

Alfred Pennyworth: I hope this isn't too cramped for you. That door heads to your bath. The other, to a game room. And you also have this far your amusement. Naturally, you have the run of the mansion.
Damian Wayne: Of course. I know that. Prepare some tea, Pennyworth.
Alfred Pennyworth: Brown sugar instead of white, fresh-cut lemon. A china cup. Perhaps master would like some warm mixed nuts and a moist hand towel.
Damian Wayne: Watch yourself, Pennyworth. I'm not so young that I don't understand sarcasm.
Alfred Pennyworth: While I am much too old to care.

Alfred Pennyworth: I think we might be able to skip the gardener.
Bruce Wayne: Well, he was trained by the League of Assassins.
Alfred Pennyworth: I, myself, am rooting for the shrubbery.

Alfred Pennyworth: Are you all right, Master Dick?
Dick Grayson: I took the cut, I can take the stitch.
Damian Wayne: Maybe you need more anesthetic.
Dick Grayson: And maybe you need to go f...
Alfred Pennyworth: Master Dick.


"Gotham: Wrath of the Villains: Pinewood (#2.18)" (2016)
[Bruce Wayne and Alfred Pennyworth meet Karen Jennings]
Karen Jennings: Do you not understand that these people will kill you?
Alfred Pennyworth: Don't you think I've been trying to tell him that?
Bruce Wayne: I'm not afraid to die. Not if it means doing the right thing.
Karen Jennings: Yeah? How'd that work out for your dad?

[Karen Jennings tells Bruce Wayne and Alfred Pennyworth about Pinewood Farms]
Karen Jennings: Pinewood Farms was a bioengineering program at Wayne Enterprises. The kind that was kept off the books. I was one of their first volunteers.
Alfred Pennyworth: What, you volunteered for that, did you?
Karen Jennings: I didn't have many options at the time. I was at Blackgate.
Alfred Pennyworth: Blackgate. Nice. Take it you weren't a guard, then.

[Harvey Bullock let's Alfred Pennyworth out of his cell at the GCPD]
Alfred Pennyworth: About bloody time, mate.
Harvey Bullock: [Bullock opens the cell gate] Not my call, pal. How about you stop getting arrested so much.

Alfred Pennyworth: [to Bruce picking a lock] Ah, that's terrific, isn't it? She's made a bloody tea leaf out of you. Street smarts? Street smarts, my eye.
Bruce Wayne: Shush, Alfred. These are merely technical skills.
Alfred Pennyworth: Oh.
Bruce Wayne: Morally neutral.
[faint clanking]

Bruce Wayne: My father risked his life to protect her. He cared for her. And now she's dead. Because of me.
[music box stops]
Alfred Pennyworth: Not because of *you*, Master Bruce. Because of what you're pursuing.
Bruce Wayne: Is there a difference?
Alfred Pennyworth: Yes. And if you can't make your peace with that, then you're not ready. There will be others, Master Bruce.


"Gotham: Lovecraft (#1.10)" (2014)
Alfred Pennyworth: I'm coming with you.
Harvey Bullock: All right. You're pretty handy for a valet.
Alfred Pennyworth: Butler, mate.
[cocks his gun]
Alfred Pennyworth: I'm the butler.

Alfred Pennyworth: [to Young Bruce Wayne] You alright?
Bruce Wayne: I'm fine... How are you?
Alfred Pennyworth: You really scared me Master Bruce... if you had died... Who employs butlers any more?

Alfred Pennyworth: I once knew a fella called Butch. Yeah, he was a Whitechapel lad. Now, we called him Butch, you see, 'cause he wasn't. It was a wind-up. It was like a joke name. In fact, he was a horrible little toe rag.
Butch Gilzean: What? I can't tell. Are-are you are you threatening me? Is he threatening me?
[Alfred steps up to him toe-to-toe]
Butch Gilzean: Yeah? You can't...
Alfred Pennyworth: [suddenly puts him down on the floor] Now where is this Fish?

Alfred Pennyworth: Miss Mooney, we need your help.
Fish Mooney: Well, you see, Alfred, I would love to help you, but it would infringe upon my personal interests. And why would I do that?
Alfred Pennyworth: You have a very eloquent gaze, if I may say so, Miss Mooney. And I can see that you're not a woman that would let petty self-interest outweigh honor. And compassion.
Fish Mooney: I'll make some calls.

[last lines]
Selina Kyle: [appearing at the window] Your security still sucks.
Bruce Wayne: No one's hunting for me. I didn't expect to see you again.
Selina Kyle: Never said good-bye.
Bruce Wayne: No, we didn't.
Selina Kyle: Didn't want to be rude.
Bruce Wayne: It-it's good to see you.
Selina Kyle: Here.
[hands him the bag of his stolen articles]
Bruce Wayne: Thank you, but you could keep this. You need it more than I do.
Selina Kyle: Nah, let's keep things honest between us. I'm keeping this one anyway.
[shows him the silver medallion, then kisses him, and goes back out the window]
Alfred Pennyworth: [entering] Having a little chat, Master Bruce?
Bruce Wayne: Thinking out loud...
Alfred Pennyworth: Right. Right. Of course you are. Shall I take that for you...
[takes the bag]
Alfred Pennyworth: The old house seems very quiet without her, doesn't it?
Bruce Wayne: Yes, it does.


"Gotham: Wrath of the Villains: This Ball of Mud and Meanness (#2.14)" (2016)
[Alfred Pennyworth prepares to fight Mr. Cupcake because Bruce did the talking]
Bruce Wayne: Are you acting like this is my fault?
Alfred Pennyworth: It's not for me to say, is it, sir?
Bruce Wayne: How is this my fault?
Alfred Pennyworth: I told you to let me do the talking, did I not? And did you do the talking? Yes. And I think you'll find, yes, you did do the talking.

[Alfred Pennyworth tells Bruce Wayne to pick his fights]
Alfred Pennyworth: Pick your battles. Don't let them pick you.

[Alfred Pennyworth gives Bruce Wayne some tips while fighting Mr. Cupcake]
Alfred Pennyworth: See, Master Bruce, big muscles require lots of blood. Strength costs wind. Now, if you're gonna beat a big man, all you have to do... is outlast him.

[last lines]
Alfred Pennyworth: [Alfred Pennyworth searches the Wayne Manor for Bruce Wayne] Master Bruce!
Bruce Wayne: [as Alfred finds Bruce's farewell letter, as Bruce narrates] 'Alfred, I have left home for a while to live on the streets with Selina. Please, wait and listen before you react. You need not worry that I'm in danger or that I've lost my mind. I've thought long and hard about this decision and I know it's the right one. Malone's death made me realize a couple of things. You can't kill murder. You can't get revenge on evil. You can only begin to fight such things by not doing them. And you can only fight them where they live, not just at Wayne Enterprises. In the streets, in the slums, in the bad parts of town. So that's where I'm going.'
Alfred Pennyworth: He's lost his mind.
Bruce Wayne: [Alfred reads on] 'I'm not going to start battling muggers or anything. But one day, I am going to do something to help the people of Gotham. I don't know what yet, but I will. Meantime, I need to learn stuff. Number one: I need to learn how to live in the same world other people have to live in. Selina's giving me a place to sleep and will show me the ropes, so, like I say, there's no need to worry. I'll be in touch soon and I'll come home eventually. Please, Alfred, trust me and honor my wishes. Don't try to bring me back. I need to do this. Sincerely, your good friend, Bruce.'


Batman: Gotham Knight (2008) (V)
Alfred Pennyworth: [about Bruce's gun collection] It's a bagful of tragedy, sir. I can't see how you could even bear to handle one.
Bruce Wayne: You have to know your enemy, Alfred. I'd never use one, but even I can appreciate the attraction of a gun. The heft. The sleekness. The cool steel. The precision. And the power. The power to change lives, history. The power of God.

Batman: Alfred, how's the satellite picture?
Alfred Pennyworth: Splendid. I can almost see your pointy ears, sir.

Alfred Pennyworth: Sir! Give me your hand!
[Batman's hands are full, having scooped a dozen discarded guns from the rubbish pile]
Batman: I... I can't.

[last lines]
Alfred Pennyworth: Sir?


"Batman: The Animated Series: Night of the Ninja (#1.28)" (1992)
Alfred Pennyworth: Master Bruce, I'm afraid there's been another robbery of a Wayne Enterprises company.
Dick Grayson: That's the sixth one in two weeks.
Bruce Wayne: Seventh.
[Dick makes a face behind Bruce's back]
Bruce Wayne: Where, Alfred?

[Dick attempts to join Batman on patrol, but he refuses, driving off]
Robin: What's with him? Bat got his tongue?
Alfred Pennyworth: You know Master Bruce; he's not one to discuss his feelings.
Robin: Isn't THAT the truth? Something's eating him, Alfred. I don't know what... yet.

[Alfred is washing dishes while Dick is sitting on the kitchen counter]
Dick Grayson: Alfred, do you know anything about Bruce's training in Japan?
Alfred Pennyworth: Of course, dear boy, I was there. Lovely country. I especially like the tea.
Dick Grayson: You ever hear of somebody named Kyodai Ken?
Alfred Pennyworth: Oh, indeed. He was the only student at the martial arts school who could consistently defeat Master Bruce. A bad egg, that one.

Dick Grayson: I think Bruce is worried he can't take this ninja. He won't admit it, of course.
Alfred Pennyworth: He never admits fears, Master Dick. Haven't you learned that by now?
[Alfred turns from sink, and both Dick and Alfred gasp when they see Bruce standing in the doorway wearing formalwear]
Alfred Pennyworth: Ah, Master Bruce, I-I - ah, uh, uh...
Bruce Wayne: I'll be at the museum. I should be back by midnight.
[leaves, closing the door]
Dick Grayson: Do you think he heard us?
Alfred Pennyworth: Who can tell?


Batman: Under the Red Hood (2010) (V)
Nightwing: He's got some moves, huh? And as much I hate to belabor a point...
Alfred Pennyworth: And still that is often exactly what you do.
Nightwing: I'm chatty. It's part of my charm. I'm saying that our boy here has some skills. He's been trained and trained well. Like right there. That. He sliced that cable off his ankle before it went taunt.You don't just do that. That has to be practiced. Learned.

Batman: [about Jason] Do you remember how he was when I found him?
Alfred Pennyworth: Of course, sir. Fearless, arrogant, brash and gifted.
Batman: Yes. Different than Dick in so many ways but still full of potential and power. But I knew, even from the beginning, he was dangerous. If I hadn't made into Robin, he would have grown to do wrong. Then I got him killed. My partner. My soldier. My fault. I own that. I'll carry that like everything else. But now there's this. He's taken everything I've ever taught him and turned it on me. It's a hell of a making, Alfred.
Alfred Pennyworth: Sir, this is not your doing. You loved him. He knows that. It should be enough.
Batman: It's not.

Bruce Wayne: [Dick has been injured] Alfred, take him home.
Dick Grayson: I can help.
Bruce Wayne: You already have. Thank you.
Dick Grayson: Alright but you know where to find me if you need me. He did just... thank me didn't he?
Alfred Pennyworth: Indeed he did sir.
Dick Grayson: Weird.

Alfred Pennyworth: Sir, in light of all that's happened... do you want me to take it down?
[Bruce stares at Jason's uniform]
Batman: No. This doesn't change anything. It doesn't change anything at all.


Batman (1989)
Alfred Pennyworth: I have no wish to fill my few remaining years grieving for the loss of old friends. Or their sons.

[Last lines]
Alfred Pennyworth: I thought champagne would be in order, ma'am.
Vicki Vale: Hi, Alfred.
Alfred Pennyworth: Mr. Wayne told me to tell you that he might be a little late.
Vicki Vale: I'm not a bit surprised.

Alfred Pennyworth: Miss Vale called again. Dare I suggest that your present course of action might simply strengthen her resolve. She is quite tenacious.
Bruce Wayne: You're right about that.
Alfred Pennyworth: And if I may say so, quite special. Perhaps you could try telling her the truth.

[last lines]
Alfred Pennyworth: Oh, I regret to inform you that master Wayne is going to be a little late tonight.
Vicki Vale: [grinning] I'm not at all surprised.


"Beware the Batman: Hunted (#1.1)" (2013)
Alfred Pennyworth: It took you five moves to subdue me. It should only have taken you three. Your reaction to me at the foot of your bed was sloppy at best. If I hadn't purposely...
Bruce Wayne: Do we need to do this now?

Bruce Wayne: Your job is to protect Bruce Wayne, not Batman.
Alfred Pennyworth: Are they not the same?
Bruce Wayne: No!

Bruce Wayne: What's this?
Alfred Pennyworth: It appears to have occurred last night. Perhaps if you hadn't slept most of the day. Then again, bats are nocturnal creatures.

Tatsu Yamashiro: So why are you snooping around this Stagg guy's financials? I thought you were retired.
Alfred Pennyworth: Being retired and being out of the game are two very different things, my dear. But I don't need to tell you that.


Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 1 (2012) (V)
Alfred Pennyworth: If it's suicide you're after, I have an old family recipe. It's slow and painful. You'd like it.

Mutant Leader: [picks up shell next to fallen Mutant member] Rubber bullets. Ha! All this metal, and you don't even use it to kill! It's just a shell to keep you safe? What's the matter? Ain't you got the stomach for it? I call you coward! Come out here and face me like a man. I kill you, I eat your heart! Prove you can take me. Prove you can fight with your hands. C'mon, man! You borin' me.
Alfred Pennyworth: Sir, you can't seriously be...?
Batman: Mm-hmm.
Alfred Pennyworth: He's in his prime. He'll kill you.
Batman: It's the only way I'll know.

Alfred Pennyworth: Master Bruce. You set off the alarm, sir. This somnambulism is becoming a problem especially for those of us with a penchant for sleeping at night.

Alfred Pennyworth: [to Bruce] One moment, it's Commissioner Gordon. No doubt calling for details on the funeral.


"Batman: The Animated Series: The Forgotten (#1.23)" (1992)
Alfred Pennyworth: That's odd. Only vampires loath daylight more than Batman.

[Flying in the Batwing]
Alfred Pennyworth: This must be the place. Bring us down.
Bat Computer: Negative.
Alfred Pennyworth: But Master Bruce is down here, we have to land.
Bat Computer: Impossible, area too confined.
Alfred Pennyworth: Land, you bucket of bolts!
Bat Computer: Your funeral.

[Last lines]
Dan Riley: ...it's no palace, but you're welcome to stay at our place until you get back on your feet.
Salvo Smith: Thanks, Riley. Maybe this time, we can find some work that pays.
[both laugh]
Dan Riley: You know, pal, it will be tight, but you're welcome too.
Bruce Wayne: Thanks, but I...
Alfred Pennyworth: [standing at limo] Are we ready to go, Master Bruce?
Dan Riley, Salvo Smith: [looking at Bruce] Master Bruce?
Bruce Wayne: Bruce Wayne... WayneTech Enterprises. If you'd like a job, I can probably help.
Salvo Smith: Hit me, Riley.
Dan Riley: Hit you? Why?
Salvo Smith: Maybe I'll lose my memory and wake up a millionaire, too.


"Justice League: Starcrossed: Part III (#2.26)" (2004)
Shayera Hol: They've been in there a long time.
Alfred Pennyworth: Yes miss, they have. If I may be so bold... I'm neither a superhero nor a soldier, so I'm hardly qualified to judge your actions by those standards. But I do know this: without the great sacrifices you've made, we wouldn't be here to share this nice pot of tea. Whatever they decide in that room, in my eyes, you'll always be a hero.

[as the League leaves Wayne Manor in full costume to battle the Thanagarians, Alfred is calmly sweeping up debris from their attack]
Alfred Pennyworth: Mind the glass, sir.

[after the League leaves Wayne Manor, Alfred comes out and sees Kragger lying on the lawn, unconscious after J'onn's mind probe]
Alfred Pennyworth: I've asked Master Bruce to refrain from leaving trash in the yard.


"Batman: The Animated Series: Eternal Youth (#1.16)" (1992)
Maggie Page: [in the hospital] Alfred, do you realize this is the second weekend in a row we've spent together? This relationship is branching out.
Alfred Pennyworth: Maggie, please. After our encounter with "Joan of Bark" the last thing I want to be reminded of is plants.

Bruce Wayne: [on the phone] I don't care how much money we'll lose! I won't have Wayne Enterprises involved with an operation that destroys a rainforest! Shut it down, or you're *gone*!
[he hangs up and switches to his Batman voice]
Bruce Wayne: One of my greedy directors made a deal with a slash-and-burn outfit in the Amazon.
Alfred Pennyworth: Well, it's fortunate you learned of the deal in time to stop it.
Bruce Wayne: I hate when things slip by me.

[Bruce offers Alfred and Maggie his tickets to a spa getaway]
Alfred Pennyworth: [stiffly] I'm afraid it's out of the question.
[cut to Alfred, riding shotgun in Maggie's car]
Alfred Pennyworth: [grumbling] I've been Shanghai'd.


"Gotham: Wrath of the Villains: Transference (#2.22)" (2016)
[Alfred Pennyworth tells the Basil Gordon look-alike that he's weird]
Alfred Pennyworth: I don't know who's got to you, Gordon, but you're just, just... weird.

[Alfred Pennyworth tells Bruce Wayne that he hopes he's learned his lesson]
Alfred Pennyworth: Well, I hope you learned your lesson, Master Bruce. And that's the end of your adventures with the police, eh?
Bruce Wayne: There's a secret council, Alfred. A secret council that runs everything in Gotham.
Alfred Pennyworth: [Alfred grumbles] Oh, bloody hell.
Bruce Wayne: It's them that wanted me dead. We're so close, Alfred, we're so close to the ultimate truth.
Alfred Pennyworth: [Alfred looks to Selina] Oh, bloody hell.
Selina Kyle: [Selina chuckles] Hey, don't look at me.

James Gordon: I have to go. I might not see you for a while, but I'll try to stay in touch.
Bruce Wayne: Where are you going?
James Gordon: I have to find Lee.
Alfred Pennyworth: Right move, mate.
James Gordon: [to Bruce] Do me a favor. Say good-bye to Bullock for me. I don't really want the whole Celtic farewell. He's gonna have his hands full, but I think he can handle it.
Bruce Wayne: Will do.
Selina Kyle: [standing near by] Chocolates. Girls like chocolates.
James Gordon: I'll keep that in mind.
Alfred Pennyworth: Well, there's a man who's got his priorities straight. The love of a good woman and all that. Well, I hope you learned your lesson, Master Bruce.


"Gotham: Mad City: Better to Reign in Hell (#3.1)" (2016)
[Alfred Pennyworth sees Bruce Wayne nervous to talk to the Wayne Board Members]
Alfred Pennyworth: [Alfred tries breaking the tension] Did you hear them rats last night? Scurrying around in the attic, driving me bloody bonkers. I'm gonna ask you, what's the point of having a caretaker, if they can't take care of nothing, aye?

[Bruce Wayne informs the Wayne Board Members that there's an unnamed group creating a conspiracy within Wayne Enterprises]
Bruce Wayne: I know how it sounds. But I now have proof they exist. And I can tell you that they're here. In this room. I want to talk face to face. You have 24 hours to contact me, or the information that I've gathered will be sent to every newspaper and television station in Gotham. Thank you for your time.
Alfred Pennyworth: [as Bruce and Alfred head out the office] Pancakes?
Bruce Wayne: [the hungry Bruce smiles] Pancakes.

[Alfred Pennyworth tells Bruce Wayne the rules with the new alarm system installed]
Alfred Pennyworth: Right, once this alarm is set, Master Bruce, no coming downstairs till the morning, is that clear?
Bruce Wayne: Yes, but was a new alarm system really necessary?
Alfred Pennyworth: I don't know. Was it really necessary offering a challenge to a shadowy cabal? Yes, it was necessary, Master Bruce.


Justice League (2017)
Alfred Pennyworth: [to Bruce] I miss the days whens one's biggest concern is exploding wind-up penguins.

Cyborg: [controls the Batmobile] Relax, Alfred. I'll take it from here.
Alfred Pennyworth: Uh, do... do I know you?

Alfred Pennyworth: [to Superman] He said you'd come. Now let's hope you're not too late.


"Batman: The Animated Series: The Laughing Fish (#1.46)" (1993)
[after dissecting a Joker fish]
Batman: Well, he's not out to poison people. This diluted toxin only affects fish.
Alfred Pennyworth: Maybe he's trying to make us all die from disgust.

[on TV Harley stands in the kitchen wearing a "kiss the cook" apron. The Joker's men are made up as young children]
Harley Quinn: They're finny and funny and oh so delish. They're joyful and jolly. Jokerfish!
The Joker: Say, Mom, wondering what to feed the family tonight?
Harley Quinn: What'll I feed the family tonight?
[the Joker enters wearing a raincoat and hat. He looks like an old sea captain]
The Joker: Arr! Try me famous Joker fish. There's Smiling Smelt, Giggling Grouper and Happy Haddock.
Alfred Pennyworth: [Watching with Batman] This could cause a stampede to pork.
The Joker: [He holds up a fork with a morsel of fish to Harley's mouth] Yummy yum yum. Eat it!
Harley Quinn: Uh, Mr. J? I have this little problem with fish.
[he shoves the food into her mouth]
Harley Quinn: [With her mouth full] Yummy yum yum.
[Harley steps offscreen. The Joker turns to face the camera]
The Joker: Yes, friends, that's Jokerfish.
[Harley is heard puking up the fish]
The Joker: Tasty, tempting, and of course...
Joker's Men: Naturally low in cholesterol.
The Joker: Coming to your local store.
[He begins to grow angry]
The Joker: As soon as that nasty Mr. G. Carl Francis decides to give me my legal cut of the profits!

[watching one of the Joker's fish commercials]
Alfred Pennyworth: This could cause a stampede to pork.


"The New Batman Adventures: Old Wounds (#2.5)" (1998)
Barbara Gordon: [At Dick's graduation] You must be so proud of Dick.
Alfred Pennyworth: He's like a second son, you know.

Barbara Gordon: [as Barbara decends into the Batcave] Oh, my god.
Alfred Pennyworth: Master Bruce, I -
[notices Barbara]
Alfred Pennyworth: Ms. Gordon, I uh, see you've discovered our little secret. Yes, I admit it, I am Batman.
Bruce Wayne: It's all right, Alfred.
Alfred Pennyworth: Very good, sir.
Barbara Gordon: Why would you trust me with this?
Bruce Wayne: For Dick's sake. Besides, I'm not the only one with a secret, am I... Batgirl?
Barbara Gordon: How did you - ?
Bruce Wayne: I make it my business to know.

Bruce Wayne: Alfred, contact Robin.
Alfred Pennyworth: I've already tried, sir. I'm afraid he's not answering
Bruce Wayne: Keep trying. The Joker will have his goons well-placed. I'm gonna need back-up.
Barbara Gordon: You've already got it.


"Batman: Flop Goes the Joker (#2.58)" (1967)
The Joker: Where's Bruce Wayne?
Alfred Pennyworth: Mr. Wayne is not at home, sir.
The Joker: Too bad! I'll get my revenge later. Right now I'll settle for cash. Where's the safe?
Alfred Pennyworth: My duties do not include aiding and abetting thievery.

[Alfred and the Joker are engaged in a swordfight]
Aunt Harriet Cooper: Alfred, be careful! The Joker is an arch-criminal!
Alfred Pennyworth: I know, madam, but a very poor fencer.

The Joker: [after being shot back up the Bat Pole] Someone get me off this crazy dumbwaiter! I can't breathe!
Batman: Joker says he can't breathe, Alfred, why don't you give him some breathing space?
Alfred Pennyworth: My pleasure, sir.
[hits the down button on the Bat Pole elevator]
The Joker: Oh no! AHHHHHHHHHH! HEEEEELLLLLLP!


"Gotham: Rise of the Villains: Damned If You Do... (#2.1)" (2015)
[first lines]
Alfred Pennyworth: [Bruce Wayne and Alfred Pennyworth explore the secret stairwell found in the Wayne mansion] Bloody hell.
Alfred Pennyworth: [Bruce see's a door and tries to run into it] No, wait, wait, wait!
Alfred Pennyworth: [the two notice the door has a keypad as Bruce begins entering random numbers] There must be a million possible combinations, Master Bruce.

[Bruce Wayne talks to Jim Gordon about no longer being part of the GCPD]
Bruce Wayne: You were going to find my parents' killers. You were going to fight for justice. You were going to clean up the GCPD. Change Gotham.
James Gordon: I had hoped to do that.
Bruce Wayne: If you remained with the GCPD, you might still be able to do all those good things, but first... you must do something ugly. And your personal honor forbids that.
James Gordon: Yes.
Bruce Wayne: Are you not sacrificing the greater good for the sake of your dignity and self-esteem? For vanity?
Alfred Pennyworth: Steady on, now, Master Bruce. Manners.
Bruce Wayne: He walked all the way here to discuss the issue Alfred, I'm simply asking a question. Surely, sometimes, the right way is also the ugly way.

[Bruce Wayne goes against Alfred Pennyworth's wishes to build a bomb that will blow the door down at the bottom of the mansion]
Bruce Wayne: I'm building a bomb to blow down that door. You may assist me... or not, as you wish. But i-if not, some tea would be nice.
Alfred Pennyworth: [Alfred begins to raise his voice and hand at Master Bruce] Right, well, you're gonna need ten more... sacks of that gear, for starters; three more dairy cans, too; and extra timber; a... heavy tarpaulin.
Alfred Pennyworth: [Bruce stands still staring at Alfred] And I'll put the kettle on.
[Alfred walks off]


"Batman: The Animated Series: Heart of Ice (#1.3)" (1992)
[Batman sneezes and wipes his nose while working. Alfred hands him a handkerchief]
Alfred Pennyworth: With all those compartments on your belt, you'd think there'd be one for tissues.

Alfred Pennyworth: If you're going out like that, I'd suggest you take this.
[hands him a thermos]
Batman: Knockout gas?
Alfred Pennyworth: Chicken soup. Only way to fight a cold.

Alfred Pennyworth: [Batman is working on his computer] Taking up video games, are we, sir?


"The Batman: Topsy Turvy (#1.10)" (2005)
Bagley: Well, I'm always delighted to speak to the press. Particularly the Gotham Gazette. Actually, I don't consider myself merely a top criminal psychiatrist here at Arkham. I view my role as the last line of defense between Gotham and psychopaths like Penguin, Freeze, and my prize catch, Joker. In fact I've been invited to a banquet of honor tonight for Gotham's most inspiring citizens at Gotham Palace Theatre. And I have just enough time to grab my coat. Did I provide enough details for my profile?
Alfred Pennyworth: Oh, you've been more of a help than you know, Dr. Bagley.
[Bagley hangs up]
Alfred Pennyworth: Pompous windbag.

Batman: According to Arkham, Joker's still locked in his cell, has been all night long.
Alfred Pennyworth: Perhaps Joker left some manner of decoy in his place.
Batman: Could be, Alfred. But other things don't add up. Joker abducted Judge Wigzell but not before leaving him for the police and me to see.
Alfred Pennyworth: You're not expecting Joker to actually make sense, are you?
Batman: It was Joker's calling card. His way of announcing his plan.
Alfred Pennyworth: Do you think there's more to come?
Batman: Maybe Joker's out to collect a full deck of those who've crossed him.
Alfred Pennyworth: 51 more victims? Where would you start?
Batman: One name is sure to be on his hit list: The Batman.

Batman: I left Joker's understudy in clown storage for the time being. Joker clearly didn't want him talking.
Alfred Pennyworth: Why not chip the fellow out and question him further?
Batman: Because I'm through being Joker's fool. I'm gonna get my answers straight from the horse's mouth, at Arkham Asylum.


"Batman: The Animated Series: The Last Laugh (#1.15)" (1992)
Alfred Pennyworth: Rough night of crimefighting, sir?

Alfred Pennyworth: Well, you'll be happy to know I've drawn you a bath. Whenever you're ready, sir.
[Bruce approaches the tub, which is empty]
Bruce Wayne: What's the deal, Alfred?
[Alfred holds up a small card, with a picture of a tub on it]
Alfred Pennyworth: I said I "drew you a bath," sir. April Fools!
Bruce Wayne: Very funny, Alfred. I guess I'll just take a shower.
Alfred Pennyworth: [to himself] Not a funnybone in his entire body.

Batman: Alfred, I left the hex key upstairs in the den. Would you bring it down?
Alfred Pennyworth: Oh, go fetch it yourself!
[Blows raspberry]
Batman: Very funny, Alfred. But I've no time to play.


The LEGO Batman Movie (2017)
Alfred Pennyworth: Were you looking at the old family pictures again?
Batman: At the what? The old family... Oh, yes! I see what you mean. Look at that! The old gang. Yeah. No, I wasn't.
Alfred Pennyworth: I see. Sir, if you don't mind my saying, I'm a little concerned. I've seen you go through similar phases in 2016 and 2012 and 2008 and 2005 and 1997 and 1995 and 1992 and 1989 and that weird one in 1966. Do you want to talk about how you're feeling right now?
Batman: I don't talks about feelings, Alfred. I don't have any, I've never seen one. I'm a night-stalking, crime-fighting vigilante, and a heavy metal rapping machine. I don't feel anything emotionally, except for rage. 24/7, 365, at a million percent. And if you think that there's something behind that, then you're crazy. Good night, Alfred.
Alfred Pennyworth: Sir, it's morning.

Batman: [from trailer]
[Kicks Alfred into piano]
Batman: Alfred, I am so sorry. I have incredible reflexes.
Alfred Pennyworth: I should have known better than to sneak up on you, Master Bruce.

Alfred Pennyworth: Ha! You just got union jacked!


"Batman: The Animated Series: Robin's Reckoning: Part I (#1.51)" (1993)
Dick Grayson: I'll never be like him, Alfred, never. He's a stone-cold, self-righteous...
Alfred Pennyworth: Master Dick, try not to be too critical. I'm certain whatever his reasons, Master Bruce has your best interests in mind.
Dick Grayson: He shuts me out, man, treats me like a kid!

Batman: I was so close, Alfred, I could smell his sweat. From now on, Tony Zucco gets my undivided attention.
Alfred Pennyworth: How fortunate for Zucco, because there's a little boy up there who's just aching for some of that attention.
Batman: I'm doing this for him.
Alfred Pennyworth: I'm sure revenge can be deliciously sweet. However, at the moment, he needs a friend. Isn't that what you needed sir?

Robin: You deceived me! You can't take this one! Zucco's mine!
Batman: Sorry, Robin, but on this team I call the shots.
Robin: But I've waited half my life!
Batman: Batman out.
Robin: Oh, no. He's not gonna ace me out!
Alfred Pennyworth: Please, Master Dick, you must do as he says!
Robin: Not this time, Alfred. Maybe not ever again.


"Batman: The Animated Series: Day of the Samurai (#1.55)" (1993)
Kyodai Ken: You are strong... but not strong enough!
[administers the Touch to Batman, who falls over with a gasp]
Alfred Pennyworth: NOOO!
Kyodai Ken: Farewell... Batman!

Alfred Pennyworth: I couldn't see through the smoke. Was Kyodai...?
Bruce Wayne: I don't know, Alfred. I wish I did.


"Gotham: Mad City: Look Into My Eyes (#3.3)" (2016)
[Bruce Wayne and Alfred Pennyworth debate on what to do with the Bruce 51A4 look-alike]
Alfred Pennyworth: Master Bruce, we have to get rid of that thing as quick as possible.
Bruce Wayne: He's a human being, Alfred. He's in need of help.
Alfred Pennyworth: Look, I-I understand you feel sorry for the boy, but have a butcher's at him, will you, huh? I mean, he's you. Hugo Strange made another you. I reckon it's got something to do with that secret society or something.
Bruce Wayne: So what do we do? Throw him back on the street? I-I want to know who and what and why as much as you do, Alfred. Better he stays here until we find out.
Alfred Pennyworth: Fine, but tomorrow we call Lucius Fox. Maybe he'll know what to do with it. I mean, him.

[Alfred Pennyworth gets punched in the face during his boxing lesson with the Bruce 51A4 look-alike]
Alfred Pennyworth: Bloody hell. Who taught you how to do that then?
Stranger: No one. If they did, I... I don't remember.
Alfred Pennyworth: Right, well, let's see what you got, sunshine. Here we go again.


"Birds of Prey: Devil's Eyes (#1.13)" (2003)
Alfred: Oh, Mistress Harley, buttle this.

[last lines]
Alfred: [on phone] Master Bruce, I thought you might want to know, your daughter's doing rather well. You would be most proud. Most proud indeed.


"Gotham: Rise of the Villains: Worse Than a Crime (#2.11)" (2015)
[the men discuss on needing Jim Gordon at their side to take down Theo Galavan]
Harvey Bullock: Yeah, where is Jim Gordon? It's a long story, but nobody knows.
Harvey Bullock: [Nygma chuckles from behind the men] Something funny, Ed?
Alfred Pennyworth: Do you know where Gordon is?
Harvey Bullock: Do you?
Alfred Pennyworth: Start speaking, Windows.
Edward Nygma: Um, uh... a diamond plate, a glowing grate, a place you never leave. Where am I?
Alfred Pennyworth: What?
Lucius Fox: Home. Who's home? Your home? Gordon's at your home?
Edward Nygma: N... No. Yes.
Edward Nygma: [the men remain quiet] Who are you?

[Selina Kyle wants to join Jim Gordon and the penthouse raid as Alfred Pennyworth calls her out]
Alfred Pennyworth: How do we know that you're not working with Galavan now?
Selina Kyle: How do I know you're not a Martian in a rubber suit?


Batman (1943)
Alfred Pennyworth: How many did I kill?
Bruce Wayne: Seven.
Alfred Pennyworth: But there were only four of the ruffians.
Richard Grayson: You killed three of them twice.
Alfred Pennyworth: Where are the bodies?
Bruce Wayne: We threw them out the window.

Alfred Pennyworth: [on the phone] Get me Scotland Yard... I mean get me the police... get me anybody, I'm being murdered!


"Batman: Marsha's Scheme of Diamonds (#2.24)" (1966)
Batman: [Batman stands at the wedding altar with Marsha as the bridal March plays] I... I...
Clergyman: Say "I do."
Batman: I...
Alfred: [Suddenly Alfred the butler walks into the chapel with Aunt Harriet dressed in black wearing a veil] Stop the wedding!
Clergyman: [All the guests begin murmuring] This is no time for pranks, my good man. We are in the midst of a sacred ceremony.
Alfred: I assure you, sir, this is no prank.
Marsha: Who are you?
Alfred: Ethelbert Soames, solicitor at law with the firm of Soames, Stillwell and Thistlewaite, Liverpool, England.
[Alfred then hands out his "business cards" to first the clergyman, then to Marcia the bride, then to Batman]
Alfred: My card. My Card. My Card.
[Batman's card reads as written "THERE WAS NO OTHER WAY, SIR"]
Clergyman: What has this to do with the wedding?
Alfred: Allow me to present my client. Formerly Miss Henrietta Tillitson of Morton in the Marsh, Gloucestershire.
Marsha: What do you mean "formerly"?
Alfred: I mean that for the last seven years, she has been Mrs. Batman.
Marsha: [the wedding guests gasps] Mrs Batman?
Alfred: Yes. If you care to examine the wedding certificate...
[Alfred hands over the wedding certificate to the clergyman]
Alfred: Duly attested by the registrar at Morton in the Marsh and dated seven years ago.
Clergyman: Why didn't you tell me about this, Batman?
Batman: It, uh, uh, it slipped my mind.
Clergyman: Slipped your mind, indeed. I am not in the practice of marrying bigamists.
[the angry clergyman walks out]
Marsha: Why, you two-timing Bat-Fink! How dare you leave a poor, defensless girl waiting at the altar.
Alfred: Not poor, I hope, madam. We are instituting a lawsuit for $1,000,000 for the alienation of the husband's affections.
Marsha: [Marcia gasps] Let's get out of here.
Batman: [after Marcia and the grand mogul exit the chapel, Batman steps closer to his supposed "wife of 7 years" who is really Aunt Harriet as she unveils herself to Batman's surprise] Mrs. Cooper!
Aunt Harriet Cooper: Why, I wasn't sure that you'd remember me, Batman.
Batman: Of course I remember you. I've always treasured our brief meetings. And I certainly want to thank you for the help you gave me here today.
Aunt Harriet Cooper: Oh, I'm glad. I was afraid you'd be angry with us for stretching the truth the way we did.
Batman: Not under the circumstances, believe me.

Alfred: If we can be of any further service, sir...
Batman: As a matter of fact, Mr...
Alfred: Alfred will do, sir.
Batman: As a matter of fact, Alfred, yes. Since Robin is currently out of commission, I'd appreciate it if you would accompany me in the batmobile.
Alfred: Certainly, sir. I've always wanted to ride in that ingenious vehicle.
Batman: Good.
[Batman turns back to Aunt Harriet]
Batman: Again my thanks, Mrs. Cooper. You were truly... superb!
Aunt Harriet Cooper: [And as Batman and Alfred leave the chapel, Aunt Harriet chuckles] Oh! Bruce will never believe it when I tell him.


"Gotham: Rise of the Villains: Strike Force (#2.4)" (2015)
[Alfred Pennyworth gives Bruce Wayne a pair of jogging clothes when picking him up from school]
Alfred Pennyworth: Now, I clocked Wayne Manor at exactly six and a half miles. It should take 90 minutes to two hours, depending on how many times you stop, of course. Now, you said you wanted to train. To prepare. Well, this is it.
Bruce Wayne: Wait, you... you expect me to-to walk?
Alfred Pennyworth: No, Master Bruce. I expect you to run.

Alfred Pennyworth: Are you waiting for someone?
Selina Kyle: No. That's *your* job.


"Justice League: Starcrossed: Part II (#2.25)" (2004)
[inside the Batcave]
Wally West: Hey, that's a giant dinosaur!
Alfred Pennyworth: And I thought Batman was the detective.

Wally West: So Jeeves, do you come with the place, or does Master Bruce just rent you for parties?
Alfred Pennyworth: I've been in service here since the master was in diapers.
Wally West: Now there's a picture.


"Gotham: Wrath of the Villains: A Legion of Horribles (#2.21)" (2016)
[Alfred Pennyworth goes to the GCPD to tell Harvey Bullock that Jim Gordon and Bruce Wayne are in trouble]
Alfred Pennyworth: Bullock! Gordon, Master Bruce and Fox are still in Arkham. They should be out by now. They're in trouble.
Harvey Bullock: That son of a bitch!
Alfred Pennyworth: [Alfred remains quiet] Jim Gordon, I mean, he's forcing my hand.

[Alfred Pennyworth tells Harvey Bullock to get his stuff and for the both of them to save Bruce Wayne and Jim Gordon]
Alfred Pennyworth: Grab your gun, your badge, and your bits and your bobs, and let's go.
Harvey Bullock: Hold on a second, okay? You're talking about a place that's built like a fortress. Chockablock with armed guards. Now, while we could send in an assault force of a pudgy, middle-aged Irish detective, and a recently stabbed Englishman, I think the acting captain of the GCPD could do a little better.
[we see Bullock assemble the entire GCPD police force]


"Gotham: Mad City: New Day Rising (#3.4)" (2016)
Bruce Wayne: Why would he leave?
Alfred Pennyworth: Well, he cut his hair to look more like you, if that's even possible.
Bruce Wayne: You think he went to the city to pretend to be me.
Bruce Wayne: Yeah, absolutely. Bloody yes.
Bruce Wayne: So where would he go?
Alfred Pennyworth: Take in a show, do a little bit of shopping, have a facial? I mean, where do pain-resistant clones of multibillionaire teenagers normally go?

Bruce Wayne: Do you think Selina really kissed him?
Alfred Pennyworth: Aw, bloody hell.
Bruce Wayne: I mean, you've had training in interrogation, right? You can tell when someone's lying.
Alfred Pennyworth: No, I'm not gonna have this conversation.
Bruce Wayne: And if she did kiss him, do you think she thought he was me?
Alfred Pennyworth: Good night, Master Bruce.
Bruce Wayne: [as Alfred leaves] I bet she thought he was me.


"Batman: Green Ice (#2.19)" (1966)
Batman: Yes, Alfred?
Alfred: Knowing first things come first, sir, I waited until the last possible moment before interrupting your imporant computations, but, eh, the guests will be arriving shortly.
Batman: Guests?
Alfred: Yes sir, the poolside reception this evening. For the Bruce Wayne Foundation.
Robin: Holy tuxedo. If we're late, Aunt Harriet will kill us!

Commissioner Gordon: [Commissioner Gordon's office in under attack by Mister Freeze while the Commissioner is calling Batman] H... help!
Alfred: [on other line, completely unperturbed] Naturally, sir.


"Batman: The Joker's Provokers (#2.22)" (1966)
Alfred: [posing as his cousin Egbert] I hate to drink alone.
Cornelia: Oh, I'll join you, dadio! There are no mirrors around here and no mirrors make me thirsty.

Alfred: Just a moment, Joker. You needn't be so vociferous! My hearing is unimpaired.
The Joker: "Vociferous"? "Unimpaired"? Hah! Now I *know* you're no security guard!


"Batman: The Curse of Tut (#1.27)" (1966)
Robin: [picks up Bat-phone] Robin speaking.
Commissioner Gordon: Eh, put Batman on, Boy Wonder, it's a crisis. Bruce Wayne has just been kidnapped.
Robin: Bruce Wayne kidnapped! How? When?
Commissioner Gordon: Only minutes ago. The King Tut resurrection was just an elaborate smokescreen to conceal his real crime. Let me speak to Batman.
Robin: Oh, I wish I could, Commissioner, but I don't know where he is.
Commissioner Gordon: Well as soon as you hear from him, there's not a minute to be lost. Bruce Wayne is one of our most prominent millionaires.
Robin: So I've heard.
Commissioner Gordon: This arch-abductor may ask a king's ransom for him. We've got to move fast, I... I can't understand where Batman could be?
Robin: Neither can I. Goodbye, Commissioner.
[hangs up]
Alfred: You've heard the calamitous news, Master Robin?

Aunt Harriet Cooper: [Alfred comes up as they are about to leave] What is it Alfred?
Alfred: The telephone Madam. Police Commissioner Gordon wishes to speak with Mr. Wayne.
Bruce Wayne: [Aunt Harriet and Dick look at Bruce who is as surprised] With me Alfred?
Alfred: Yes sir, he was most distinct. With Mr. Bruce Wayne.


"Gotham: The Mask (#1.8)" (2014)
[last lines]
Bruce Wayne: [about turning the tables on a bully] I enjoyed it. I enjoyed hurting him.
Alfred Pennyworth: Of course you did. He deserved it.
Bruce Wayne: I'm so angry all the time. Will it ever go away?
Alfred Pennyworth: That I don't know.
Bruce Wayne: Alfred can you teach me how to fight?
Alfred Pennyworth: Yes Master Bruce. Yes, I can.

[Tommy Elliot opens his door and sees Bruce standing there]
Tommy Elliot: What are you doing here?
Bruce Wayne: We have unfinished business.
Tommy Elliot: [comes out] Listen, if you think you're going to tell my par...
[Bruce punches him in the face, knocking him to his knees]
Tommy Elliot: Are you crazy?
Bruce Wayne: [punches him again] Don't-talk-about-my-mother!
[punches him a third time]
Alfred Pennyworth: Master Bruce!
[Bruce stops]
Alfred Pennyworth: Point well made, I think. You all right, mate? Any broken bones?
Tommy Elliot: He-he tried to kill me!
Alfred Pennyworth: That's right, he did. He tried to kill you. Just you remember that the next time you see him. And you remember... that I let him try.


Batman: Bad Blood (2016) (V)
Nightwing: [Alfred is calling him] It's Alfred.
Batwoman: Your butler is a part of this too?
Nightwing: Trust me he is a total badass
[answers call]
Nightwing: Yeah?
Alfred Pennyworth: Master Damian is gone, sir.

Alfred Pennyworth: [after seeing Mad hatter's head blow up] Bloody Hell.


"Birds of Prey: Lady Shiva (#1.8)" (2002)
[last lines]
Barbara Gordon: I'm not the hero I once was, Alfred.
Alfred Pennyworth: Oh, thank goodness. Batgirl was strong but impetuous. You've grown into a thoughtful, beautiful woman with the capacity to care more for others than you do for yourself. Now, if that's not a hero, I don't know what is.
Barbara Gordon: How is it you always know just the right thing to say?
Alfred Pennyworth: Years of practice, my dear. Years of practice. Dinner will be ready shortly.

Alfred Pennyworth: A good butler does not eavesdrop. He discreetly overhears.


"Gotham: Harvey Dent (#1.9)" (2014)
Bruce Wayne: There's plenty in the kitchen. Alfred would be happy to fix...
Alfred Pennyworth: No, he won't be, will he? He's not a bloody hotel!

[Bruce and Selina get into a food fight in the study. Alfred is about to break it up, when Gordon calls]
James Gordon: Is everything all right? Is she behaving herself?
Alfred Pennyworth: Well, not really, no. It's all right.
James Gordon: It is?
Alfred Pennyworth: Well, she's... a breath of fresh air, I might say.
James Gordon: [surprised] Glad to hear it.


The Batman vs. Dracula (2005) (V)
Alfred Pennyworth: [to Dracula, aiming the vaccine] Bite this.

Alfred Pennyworth: [about Dracula's withered head] I'll be sweeping that into the dust pan, sir.


Justice League: Doom (2012) (V)
Alfred Pennyworth: Late night playing cards, Master Bruce?
Batman: Something like that. How did you know?
Alfred Pennyworth: [picks out a card from the driver seat] I believe tradition for hiding these up one's sleeve.
Batman: Was that sarcasm, Alfred?
Alfred Pennyworth: Mild teasing, at best. I'm being uncharacteristically gentle with you mainly because you're bleeding all over my nice clean floor.
Batman: Not going to let me go to work.
Alfred Pennyworth: That is correct, Master Bruce. Not until you've had proper medical attention...
Batman: Fine.
Alfred Pennyworth: ...food, and a minimum of eight hours' bed rest.
Batman: Let's get this over with.
Alfred Pennyworth: I made chicken soup. You can eat while you brood and I'll put in your stitches myself. It will be delightful, I'm sure.
Batman: All right.
Alfred Pennyworth: By the way, the part about the stitches? That would be sarcasm.

Batman: Alfred, get the Batwing ready. The Justice League is under attack.
Alfred Pennyworth: By whom?
Batman: By me.


"Batman: The Animated Series: Beware the Gray Ghost (#1.32)" (1992)
[searching the archives at the film library]
Bruce Wayne: So many actors...
Alfred Pennyworth: I wish I knew the one you're looking for, Master Bruce, but I don't watch television. I prefer my fireplace.

[Bruce and Alfred watch the Mad Bomber]
Alfred Pennyworth: Popcorn, sir?


"Birds of Prey: Slick (#1.2)" (2002)
Alfred Pennyworth: Well, I've always found that how much someone cares about you is directly proportional to how much you can piss them off, as it were.

[first lines]
Alfred Pennyworth: [voice over] Legend tells of a caped crusader, Batman, guardian of New Gotham, and his one true love, Catwoman, the queen of the criminal underworld. Their passion left behind something extraordinary: a daughter, Huntress. Half meta-human, she has taken up her father's mantle and, under cover of the night, fights to protect the innocent and helpless. Joining her in this struggle, Oracle, who was once Batman's protégée, Batgirl. She was caught in the crossfire of the war between Batman and Joker. Now she fights crime a different way, a master of the cyber-realms and mentor and trainer to heroes. Together, they have taken in a young runaway, Dinah. A meta-human herself with powers to open hidden doors to the mind, powers that she is only beginning to explore. Together, these three are the protectors of New Gotham: the Birds of Prey. My name is Alfred Pennyworth and this is their story.


Batman Unveiled (2018)
Alfred Pennyworth: Sir, would you like some water?
Bruce Wayne: How about some coffee? Or tea?
Alfred Pennyworth: Which do you prefer?
Bruce Wayne: It doesn't matter. Surprise me.

Bruce Wayne: How long until the rest of the Type 1 Batsuit is repaired?
Alfred Pennyworth: Not long sir. In the meantime, the Type 2 suit is ready.
Bruce Wayne: Okay. Thank you, Alfred.
Alfred Pennyworth: Indeed, sir. The first one got wrecked when you went head-to-head with Poison Ivy.


"Gotham: Rise of the Villains: Tonight's the Night (#2.8)" (2015)
[Alfred Pennyworth finds Bruce Wayne in the secret room behind his desk]
Alfred Pennyworth: Ah, there you are, Master Bruce. Been looking all over the gaff for you.
Alfred Pennyworth: [Bruce sits in silence] Bit dreary down here, isn't it? Fancy something to eat?
Alfred Pennyworth: [Bruce remains silent] What's up?

[Alfred Pennyworth tells Bruce Wayne that Wayne Enterprise is Bruce Wayne's legacy]
Alfred Pennyworth: Wayne Enterprises is not Thomas and Martha Wayne's legacy. That legacy is standing right here. With me.
Bruce Wayne: [Bruce begins crying in front of Alfred] Alfred, am I wrong if I just want it all to be over. I just want... I want it to be over.
Alfred Pennyworth: No, no. No, you're not wrong. Come here.
Alfred Pennyworth: [Alfred hugs Bruce Wayne] You're not wrong.


"Gotham: Selina Kyle (#1.2)" (2014)
Alfred Pennyworth: [to Bruce] Haven't I told you to stop creeping up on people like that? It's bloody rude.

Alfred Pennyworth: Bruce's father gave me very firm orders was him and his missus to die. Now I will raise the boy the way his father told me to raise him.
Detective James Gordon: Which is how?
Alfred Pennyworth: Trust him to choose his own course. He is, after all, a Wayne.
Detective James Gordon: Sounds like a recipe for disaster.


"Gotham: Wrath of the Villains: Unleashed (#2.20)" (2016)
[Bruce Wayne tells Alfred Pennyworth he's his friend as the two prepare to hide from Theo Galavan]
Bruce Wayne: You're more to me than just a guardian, Alfred. You're my friend.
Alfred Pennyworth: Your timing really is quite... impeccable, Master Bruce.

Alfred Pennyworth: Take one more step, mate, and I will put a bullet right between your bloody eyes.
Azrael: You think that'll stop me, manservant?
Alfred Pennyworth: I'd like to give it a go, if you don't mind.


"Batman: Batman Makes the Scenes (#1.34)" (1966)
Alfred: Shall I bring in the pièce de résistance, sir?
Multimillionaire: Pièce de résistance?
Robin: French, sir. It refers to the feature of the evening.

Alfred: [the multimillionaires and the Dynamic Duo are being knocked out by Penguin umbrella gas] Batman! Master Robin! Oh what have I done?
[passes out]


Batman: Return of the Caped Crusaders (2016)
Alfred Pennyworth: Now, if you'll excuse me, I believe the upstairs doorknobs need polishing.


Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 2 (2013) (V)
Alfred Pennyworth: You're not even close to fully recovered.
Bruce Wayne: Neither is he.
Alfred Pennyworth: He doesn't need a walking hospital bed to keep his insides together.
Bruce Wayne: I know you're not looking forward to your part in this.
Alfred Pennyworth: I can't say it will be pleasant. But it does fall within my duties.


"Gotham: Penguin's Umbrella (#1.7)" (2014)
James Gordon: I promised I would find your parents' killer. I might not be able to do that. I'm in a tight spot, I've upset powerful people...
Bruce Wayne: Stop treating me like a child! Explain.
James Gordon: You are a child.
Bruce Wayne: You expect to die! I should at least know why. Is it connected to my parents?
James Gordon: Yes, all of it is connected. If for any reason I can't, Montoya and Allen will take over your parents' case, I've told them everything I know. You can trust them one hundred percent.
Crispus Allen: One hundred percent.
Alfred Pennyworth: How can we help now?
James Gordon: You can't. From here on in, I'm on my own.


"Batman: Zelda the Great (#1.9)" (1966)
Aunt Harriet: [gazing at the Bat Signal up in the sky] Mercy alive, whoever that unknown Batman is, I hope he sees the signal...
Bruce Wayne: Ah!
[slaps his forehead]
Bruce Wayne: Great heavens, what a fool I am. Isn't today Wednesday, Alfred?
Alfred: Indeed, sir.
Bruce Wayne: Wednesday night, Gotham Town Hall. We have tickets to that lecture on Latin American affairs.
Dick Grayson: [snapping his fingers] Holy Venezuela, you're right!


"Batman: The Thirteenth Hat (#1.13)" (1966)
Alfred: [Bruce is explaining fine art to Dick] Forgive me for interrupting, sir, but it's the Bat phone.
Dick Grayson: Hot diggety!


"Batman: That Darn Catwoman (#2.40)" (1967)
Aunt Harriet: Alfred?
Alfred: Yes, madam?
Aunt Harriet: I know I shouldn't ask you this, but... why am I not allowed in Bruce's study?


"The Batman: The Rubberface of Comedy (#1.12)" (2005)
Alfred Pennyworth: City champions that year, I believe. I suppose in a way you both still are.
Bruce Wayne: Alfred, how would you feel about bringing Ethan into the fold?
Alfred Pennyworth: Allow someone, besides myself, to know the Batman's identity? I'm certain Detective Bennett can be trusted.
Bruce Wayne: Trust isn't the issue. Ethan needs to know the truth before circumstances force one of us to harm the other.


"Batman: The Pharaoh's in a Rut (#1.28)" (1966)
Robin: Right Alfred, this one we gotta pull ourselfs. To the Batmobile!
Alfred: To the... Batmobile? But... you don't have a... license to drive, Master Robin.
Robin: But you do!


[email protected]: It's a Wonderful Life, Batman! (2016)
Alfred Pennyworth: My apologies sir. I shouldn't have failed to realize the importance... nay, the necessity, to have Batman and Robin come grocery shopping. My mistake for thinking it was a simple task that could have easily been performed just as well, if not better, by Master Bruce and Mater Dick. I assure you, such admissible and logical ways of thinking will no longer be set as a standard in my own head. Henceforth, I will put my best foot forward in completing my duties as your butler in the most nonsensical way I can in order to better meet your impossible and impractical requests and demands.
Batman: ...Is that a hint of sarcasm I hear Alfred?
Alfred Pennyworth: Oh noooo. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go put away my mask. And I must say sir, what a great idea. I'm sure I was un recognizable with this on.


"Batman: The Wail of the Siren (#3.3)" (1967)
Alfred: [under the Siren's spell, Commissioner Gordon has stowed away in the Batmobile after which it returned to the Batcave] Commissioner Gordon, what are you doing here?
Commissioner Gordon: You? You're Alfred, Millionaire Bruce Wayne's butler. And that voice! The same nameless voice that often answers the Batphone.
Alfred: I'm afraid you're making a mistake, sir.
Commissioner Gordon: Mistake? Nonsense! Obviously this is the Batcave... Ergo Batman is Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson is Robin the Boy Wonder. Hmm hmm!


"The Batman: A Matter of Family (#4.1)" (2006)
Alfred Pennyworth: Dinner is served.
Robin: I think this table might be bigger than my family's entire trailer.
Alfred Pennyworth: Indeed. It can seat 22 and sleep half that number.


"Batman: The Animated Series: Zatanna (#1.50)" (1993)
[as Zatanna appears on stage, Bruce and Alfred are in the audience]
Alfred Pennyworth: How long has it been? Ten years, twelve?
Bruce Wayne: And a whole other lifetime.
Alfred Pennyworth: She and her father were very fond of you.
Bruce Wayne: I was a different person then.
Alfred Pennyworth: Yes. Intense, driven, moody... she'd never recognize you now.
[Bruce gives him a look]


"Batman: Not Yet, He Ain't (#1.22)" (1966)
Aunt Harriet Cooper: Batman and Robin dead? What in the world is going to become of us?
Alfred Pennyworth: Perhaps that's a better question than you realize, madam.
Aunt Harriet Cooper: How I wish Bruce and Dick were here. Maybe they could console me.
Alfred Pennyworth: I doubt that very much, Mrs Cooper. I doubt it very much.
[pulls out a hankerchief to dry his eyes]


"Batman: Batman's Waterloo (#2.54)" (1967)
Alfred: Holy steam valve!


"Birds of Prey: Reunion (#1.11)" (2003)
Dinah Lance: What do you think, Alfred? Does Helena have a secret identity or not?
Alfred Pennyworth: Actually, not.
Dinah Lance: Hm-mm.
Alfred Pennyworth: I've always maintained that without a mask, there are no separate identities. It's a dangerous choice for a crime fighter. That being said, Miss Helena is quite capable. And if she feels she can manage where others have failed, then I'm sure she can succeed.
Helena Kyle: How do you do that? Support me and undermine me all in the same sentence.
Barbara Gordon: It's a British thing.


"Gotham: Pilot (#1.1)" (2014)
Alfred Pennyworth: Get your bloody ass down off there!


"Gotham: Heroes Rise: Destiny Calling (#3.21)" (2017)
Bruce Wayne: I want you to leave.
Alfred Pennyworth: Yeah, well that's not going to happen, is it mate? You have to remember who you are.
Bruce Wayne: I know who I am, I have a destiny.
Alfred Pennyworth: Now you listen to me. That man who wanted you to detonate that bomb, whatever he promised you - freedom from pain, power - none of it, none of it was real. I want you to remember what is real.
Bruce Wayne: I know what's real! I got vengeance for my parents murder! That's real!
Alfred Pennyworth: No. No, that's not real. What's real is that every time that you were sick when you were a kid your mum used to sit up with you all night and read till you fell asleep, that's real. Or when you were 7 and you took your silly rowing boat and you got lost in that storm, and me and your dad were out shouting, screaming, losing our minds. And when your dad found you, how he cried. That's real. Yes, your parents died in that alley three years ago, and maybe that man took away the pain of that night, but there is no life, there is no love, without pain! He could not touch the love your mum and dad gave you; that you still have in you.
[touches Bruce's heart]
Alfred Pennyworth: That you still have in here. The same love I have for you. I love you, Master Bruce. I would do anything for you. I would die for you. You must find that love again. Come back to me, Master Bruce.


"Gotham: Viper (#1.5)" (2014)
[first lines]
Alfred Pennyworth: Fancy a stroll? It's a lovely day. Stretch the legs, breath of fresh air.
Bruce Wayne: I'm busy...
Alfred Pennyworth: I got a question for you, Master Bruce. What if all of this was a complete and utter bloody waste of time? What if you never discovered who killed your mom and dad? Hmm? What if you never get to wreak revenge?
Bruce Wayne: I don't want revenge. I wanna understand how it all works. How Gotham works.
Alfred Pennyworth: Well, you'd have more chance digging to China with a teaspoon.


"Gotham: Red Hood (#1.17)" (2015)
Alfred Pennyworth: [interrupting fight training] That's enough of that. Perhaps a shower's in order, Master Bruce.
Bruce Wayne: M-Mr. Payne was just showing me some alternative methods.
Alfred Pennyworth: Yeah, I can see that, can't I? Not methods that fit into our curriculum, though, are they?
Reggie Payne: No, they're not, but they're effective.
Alfred Pennyworth: Discipline, skill, and hard work are effective.


"Batman: Shoot a Crooked Arrow (#2.1)" (1966)
Alfred: To serve you in any capacity sir, has always been my duty and my pleasure.


"Batman: Catwoman's Dressed to Kill (#3.14)" (1967)
[Alfred, disguised as the worlds oldest hippie, rescues Batgirl from being sawn to bits]
Batgirl: Thank you, whoever you are.
Alfred: Think nothing of it, sweetheart. As a matter of fact, it was selfish of me.
Batgirl: Selfish?
Alfred: Yes. I'm the janitor here. If that machine has sliced you to bits, I would have had to clean up the mess!


"Batman: The Entrancing Dr. Cassandra (#3.25)" (1968)
Alfred: [picks up Batphone in Batcave] I'm afraid he's not here, Commissioner, but I...
[listens to Commissioner Gordon's explanation]
Alfred: What?
[more listening on Alfred's part]
Alfred: Oh, my word! That eh, that is a bit of a sticky wicket, if I may say so.


Batman & Mr. Freeze: SubZero (1998) (V)
Richard 'Dick' Grayson: Thank you, Alfred. I don't know what we would do without you.
Alfred Pennyworth: Frankly, neither do I.


The Batman Superman Movie: World's Finest (1997) (TV)
[Alfred opens a case, revealing a jet pack and a set of glider wings]
Alfred Pennyworth: If I may be so bold, sir. When in Rome...


"Gotham: Everyone Has a Cobblepot (#1.18)" (2015)
[first lines]
James Gordon: Slim pickings at the food court. Brought you a bagel.
Bruce Wayne: Thanks.
Alfred Pennyworth: Nothing for the invalid?
James Gordon: Sorry, hospital food only. Doctor's orders. How you feeling?
Alfred Pennyworth: All right. Had a slight puncture. Leaked a bit.


"Birds of Prey: Premiere (#1.1)" (2002)
[first lines]
Alfred: [voice over] My name is Alfred Pennyworth and I have a story to tell. For many years in the city of New Gotham, a secret war raged by night. Unknown to the everyday world, a battle for the very heart of the city was waged between Batman and Joker. One night, the final battle was fought and Joker lost. Joker's revenge was taken not on Batman himself, but on the ones he loved. Helena Kyle didn't know that her father was Batman, nor did she know that her mother had once been Catwoman. And Catwoman was the Joker's first victim.


"Batman: Black Widow Strikes Again (#2.55)" (1967)
Alfred: Sir?
Bruce Wayne: Yes, Alfred?
Alfred: A Mr. 'Gordon Commish' is calling.


Superman/Batman: Public Enemies (2009) (V)
Alfred Pennyworth: I took the liberty of washing and repairing your shirt and cape. The souvenirs of Gotham City sewers are best left under the streets.
Superman: I'm sure Lois will appreciate that.


"Batman: Batman Stands Pat (#1.14)" (1966)
Turkey Bowinkle: Bowinkle? It's just a family name.
Alfred: That's what I thought. You see, I specialize in genealogy.
Turkey Bowinkle: [thinks for a moment] Ghosts?
Alfred: Family trees.


"Batman: Louie's Lethal Lilac Time (#3.18)" (1968)
Alfred: [on Batphone speaking with Commissioner Gordon] What? Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson kidnapped at gunpoint?
[stammering]
Alfred: I-I... B-b-b-b... eh... I... I'm sorry if I appear... a trifle upset, sir, but...
[takes a deep breath]
Alfred: ... any citizen of Gotham City would be shocked at such appalling news.


"Batman: The Animated Series: Vendetta (#1.21)" (1992)
Alfred Pennyworth: Still intent on that scale or what have you, I see.
Batman: Believe it or not, the cellular structure is human, but the texture of it is almost reptilian.
Alfred Pennyworth: Mmm, do tell.
Batman: Bullock might not be the primary suspect after all.
Alfred Pennyworth: In any event, I've made your favorite - French onion soup. And when you let it get cold this time, note that it's in a microwavable crock.
Batman: Crock? Alfred, you're beautiful.
Alfred Pennyworth: Imagine if I'd gotten 'round telling him about the salad.


"The New Batman Adventures: Judgment Day (#2.9)" (1998)
Alfred Pennyworth: I wasn't aware that the police evidence room had a lending policy.


Batman Begins (2005) (VG)
Batman: Alfred, I need a way to get in the asylum.
Alfred Pennyworth: Might I suggest, dressing up in tights and pretending you're a bat?


"Batman: The Joke's on Catwoman (#3.17)" (1968)
Alfred: You both look a trifle harassed, sir, if I may say so. Perhaps this snack will help.
Batman: Eh, no thank you, Alfred, you know I never mix crime fighting with eating. Besides, I don't think it'll help us solve our problem with Catwoman and Joker...
Robin: I could force myself to take a bite...


"Batman: The Bloody Tower (#3.13)" (1967)
Alfred: Thank goodness, Master Robin. I despaired of ever seeing you again.
Robin: The despair was mutual, Alfred.


"Gotham: Rise of the Villains: The Son of Gotham (#2.10)" (2015)
[Alfred Pennyworth runs into Tabitha Galavan while searching for Bruce Wayne]
Tabitha Galavan: Now, I suggest you leave while you still can.
Alfred Pennyworth: I see you're a bit of a player, are you? As it were then, Tabby. Big bad Galavan barks the orders, and you scamper around, bringing home dead rabbits, so you might get a little pat on the head? I wonder what he'd do if I just disappeared you.
Tabitha Galavan: Honestly, I don't think he'd care.
Alfred Pennyworth: If I learn anything has happened to that little boy... we'll find out, won't we?
[Tabitha lashes her whip at Alfred's back, he catches it and pulls her to the ground]


The Adventures of the Fatbat Episode III, Queen of the City: Part I, the Fall of Gotham (2018)
Bozo: Are you fucking Crazy? What did you do to him? I made a deal with Gyoche Dent for that clowns life!
The Fatbat: Calm down, he's still alive. People now know who he is.
Aunt Miriam: Bruce, remember who you are, this is not needed. Leave him for the police.
Robin: Master Wayne this is not like you.
Bozo: You're a cruel man, I thought you were supposed to be a hero? You'll be arrested for this.
The Fatbat: I don't think so, were vigilantes and you clowns have torn this city to pieces. Ms. Dent told me about your deal. You're a good negotiator. I don;t make deals. How bout you Robin, could you make that deal?
Robin: Nope, we don't make deals.
The Fatbat: Aunt Miriam? Alfred?
Aunt Miriam: I don't negotiate. I just do the right thing, then no worries.
Alfred Pennyworth: No, Master Wayne. He's a very clever bloke.
The Fatbat: I agree. Damn good deal. Now I don't care about you getting awards, who gives a damn, I tried to retire, but you clowns decided to mess with my emotions. Anyway, I do have one question? When you go back to living as a normal person. Are you ever going to dress like a clown again?
Aunt Miriam: Makes me sick, A clown living as a real person.
The Fatbat: So, I mean if I had my way, you'd wear that make up for the rest of your life. But I'm aware that's not practical. I mean at some point you gotta take it off. So I'm going to give you a little something you can't take off.


"Batman: Penguin's Disastrous End (#2.44)" (1967)
News anchor: [voice coming from TV set] This is the third day that Penguin and his henchmen have been hold up inside the sub-treasury vault. Commissioner Gordon and...
[rest is drowned out by Aunt Harriet]
Aunt Harriet: Three days, Alfred, imagine that! What can they be doing inside there?
Alfred: I imagine that our law enforcement agencies are asking the same question, madam.
Chief O'Hara: [cut to the sub-treasury vault] What could that mangy creature be doing in there?
Batman: I wish I knew, Chief.
Commissioner Gordon: And what's he doing for food?
Batman: I wish I knew, Commissioner.
Robin: And what's he...
Batman: [interrupting] I wish I knew, Robin.


"Batman: The Animated Series: Harley and Ivy (#1.47)" (1993)
[as Batman views pictures of Harley and Ivy's mug shots, then various photos of them in the middle of heists]
Alfred Pennyworth: Choosing a weekend date, sir?


Batman: Arkham City (2011) (VG)
Batman: Alfred, I need to find a way into the Sionis Steel Mill.
Alfred Pennyworth: Have you tried the front door, sir?


"Batman: Batman's Anniversary (#2.45)" (1967)
Alfred: I understand that the Gotham City Bakers Guild has prepared a rather unique cake in your honor and wishes you and Master Robin to, eh, pose for the sculptured, eh, marshmellow figures of yourselves which will top the confection.
Batman: How could I have forgotten? Thank you, Alfred.


"Batman: An Egg Grows in Gotham (#2.13)" (1966)
Mrs. Cooper: Those two are so busy, I'll wager Batman and Robin don't get around as much as Bruce and Dick!
Alfred: I, eh, I rather doubt that, madam.


"Batman: The Ogg and I (#3.8)" (1967)
Batgirl: My father uses a very rare brand of aftershave lotion called Wellington no 4. It's imported from Sumatra.
Alfred: I know the brand. A former employer of mine, the Earl of Chutney used to use it. If I remember correctly, it's ingredients contain a small amount of curryroot. Which gives it a very pungent aroma, quite unlike any other aftershave lotion.
Batgirl: Yes, the aroma is unmistakable.


"Batman: Death in Slow Motion (#1.31)" (1966)
Alfred: You don't fancy, sir, that this famous desperado intends to stoop to the robbery of a lemonade stand?
Batman: You've hit it! It fits like my glove.


"Gotham: Mad City: Burn the Witch (#3.2)" (2016)
[Alfred Pennyworth suggests to Bruce Wayne that he take dancing lessons with his spare time]
Alfred Pennyworth: Well, you know, with all this spare time on your hands, how are you gonna fill it?
Bruce Wayne: Well, I imagine you have some ideas.
Alfred Pennyworth: I do. Dancing lessons.
Bruce Wayne: Dancing lessons.
Alfred Pennyworth: That's right. I mean, a man of your station should be able to guide gracefully a beautiful young girl across a dance floor, don't you think?
Bruce Wayne: And I suppose that you're gonna be teaching me these lessons.
Alfred Pennyworth: Why, I certainly could. You know, I was quite well regarded as a... bit of a dancer in my day, actually.
[as Alfred does a twirl in front of Bruce]


"Batman: Enter Batgirl, Exit Penguin (#3.1)" (1967)
Alfred: [to Batgirl] Very well, you have my word as a gentlemen's gentlemen, that no one will ever learn your secret from me.


"Gotham: Wrath of the Villains: A Dead Man Feels No Cold (#2.13)" (2016)
[Alfred Pennyworth gives Bruce Wayne the file of Matches Malone, who's suspected of murdering Bruce's parents]
Alfred Pennyworth: Patrick Malone. Goes by the nickname... Matches. Delightful chap, really. Committed his first murder when he was 15. Suspected of half a dozen since. Now, I need to ask you, if you were in charge, what next?
Bruce Wayne: You could've got this information from Detective Gordon. Why didn't you contact him?
Alfred Pennyworth: I'm the one asking questions now Master Bruce. We find this man... what do you plan to do?
Bruce Wayne: Kill him.


"Batman: The Animated Series: Joker's Wild (#1.42)" (1992)
Alfred Pennyworth: I didn't mind driving up here at a moment's notice to bring your outfit, and I was more than happy to dream up a plausible excuse for your date. But staying in this horrid place pushes even my tolerance.


"Batman: The Animated Series: The Clock King (#1.14)" (1992)
Batman: What kind of a saboteur uses a six-thousand dollar Metronex to set a time bomb?
Alfred: A saboteur with too much money?


Batman: The Movie (1966)
Robin: Holy demolition!
Alfred: Bless my dustpan!


"Batman: The Animated Series: Cat Scratch Fever (#1.33)" (1992)
[after Selina is released from custody, Bruce expresses reservations about seeing her again]
Alfred Pennyworth: But I thought you'd grown quite fond of her. And I'd assumed the feeling was mutual...
Bruce Wayne: It's not that simple, Alfred. She's in love with Batman.
Alfred Pennyworth: Oh, dear. These modern relationships are entirely too complicated for me.


"The Batman: Bird of Prey (#1.11)" (2005)
Alfred Pennyworth: What has Master Bruce ever done to you?
The Penguin: Oh, nothing. Nothing really. Except own everything that should rightfully belong to me! I am from noble blood! The Cobblepots were once the toast of society! I am a Cobblepot!


"Batman: The Animated Series: Blind as a Bat (#1.54)" (1993)
[Bruce Wayne/Batman has been temporarily blinded. Leslie orders him to take rest to recuperate]
Bruce Wayne: No way, Leslie! Not as long as the Penguin has that chopper.
Alfred Pennyworth: [clears throat] If there's some question, Master Bruce, I urge you to resolve it straightaway.
[looks out the window and sees the signal]
Alfred Pennyworth: You have a call on your private line.
Bruce Wayne: Then let's go!
Alfred Pennyworth: In your condition, sir?
Bruce Wayne: If you think a little inconvenience like this is going to stop me...
[he knocks over a lamp]
Alfred Pennyworth: Indeed.


"Batman: The Londinium Larcenies (#3.11)" (1967)
Alfred: Excuse me sir, your crate is safely aboard.
Bruce Wayne: Thank you, Alfred.
Barbara Gordon: I saw that immense thing with your name stencilled on it on the pier. What in the world do you have in it?
Bruce Wayne: Just because we're traveling, I don't think that Dick should neglect his studies, so we've brought along a thousand key works of literature, his biological specimens and also his own desk.
Dick Grayson: Yes, I expect to study hard.
Barbara Gordon: It's a good thing you're going by ship, Dick.


"The Batman: Ring Toss (#5.7)" (2007)
Robin: I'll never fit in if the other kids see me riding in a limousine. It isn't normal.
Alfred: You flit around the city every night in tights and a cape. Is that normal?


Batman: The Killing Joke (2016)
Bruce Wayne: All these years, and I don't know who he is any more than he knows who I am.
Alfred: Are you sure of that?
Bruce Wayne: What do you mean?
Alfred: I mean... Don't underestimate him.


"Batman: The Animated Series: Appointment in Crime Alley (#1.12)" (1992)
Batman: Roland Daggett's up to something.
Alfred Pennyworth: That almost goes without saying, doesn't it, sir?


"Gotham: Arkham (#1.4)" (2014)
Alfred Pennyworth: Are you all right?
Bruce Wayne: I'm fine. Why?
Alfred Pennyworth: I heard screaming.
Bruce Wayne: A bad dream.
Alfred Pennyworth: Oh. Was I in it?
Bruce Wayne: Not this time.


"Gotham: Heroes Rise: All Will Be Judged (#3.19)" (2017)
Kathryn: [sees Alfred enter the interrogation room, thinks he's a cop] Good cop, bad cop. That routine's a bit tired isn't it?
Alfred Pennyworth: Yeah, but I'm not a cop am I?
[pulls out a knife stabs her in the hand]
Alfred Pennyworth: I'm a butler!


"Batman: The Animated Series: The Lion and the Unicorn (#4.5)" (1995)
Alfred Pennyworth: [after being drugged with a truth serum] You'll get nothing but gibberish out of me, madam. I come from haunts of cootenfern and knicker sudden Sally. Uh... dee-dum dee-dum dee-dum dee-dum, and bicker down the valley.
Red Claw: [shakes her head] And people wonder why no one takes Britain seriously anymore.


"Gotham: All Happy Families Are Alike (#1.22)" (2015)
[last lines]
Bruce Wayne: [finding a small remote control] Oh What is it, do you think?
Alfred Pennyworth: I don't know and I don't care, and don't you dare press that bloody button.
Bruce Wayne: Why not?
Alfred Pennyworth: It could be a bomb.
Bruce Wayne: Alfred, that seems improbable.
[presses the button]
Alfred Pennyworth: [music begin playing] It's a stereo.
[the fireplace slides back revealing a passage]


"Gotham: Wrath of the Villains: Into the Woods (#2.17)" (2016)
[Alfred Pennyworth uses a cooking term to describe Bruce Wayne]
Alfred Pennyworth: You can't unfry an egg, as my dear old mum used to say.


"Batman: The Animated Series: Prophecy of Doom (#1.22)" (1992)
Alfred Pennyworth: But how did the glass break, Sir?
Batman: [Mystically] Psychic vibrations, Alfred... though I'd bet on a high-frequency sonic device.


"Batman: The Animated Series: I Am the Night (#1.34)" (1992)
Alfred: Master Bruce, are you all right, sir?
Batman: I'm tired, Alfred.
Alfred: Well I shouldn't wonder, you've taken no meals today, and I can't recall when you last slept.
Batman: A weary body can be dealt with, but a weary spirit, that's something else. Sometimes, old friend, I wonder if I'm really doing any good out there.
Alfred: How can you doubt it? The lives you've saved, the criminals you've brought to justice.
Batman: I've put out a few fires yes, won a few battles, but the war goes on Alfred, on and on...


"Batman: The Animated Series: Two-Face Part II (#1.18)" (1992)
Alfred Pennyworth: Remember, sir. Harvey Dent is no longer the great man we once knew.
Batman: I have to believe that somewhere under that monster is my old friend.
Alfred Pennyworth: That may make him even more dangerous.


"Batman: Hot Off the Griddle (#2.3)" (1966)
Dick Grayson: Oh boy! I like Rock & Roll music as much as the next red-blooded average American teenager. But this stuff is awful!
[turns off the record player Aunt Harriet is dancing to and hands the record to Alfred]
Aunt Harriet Cooper: It's the latest dance. They call it the 'Catussi'.
Alfred: [looking at the label] By 'Benedict Arnold and the Traitors'.


"Batman: The Foggiest Notion (#3.12)" (1967)
Alfred: [adressing Batman] It appears, sir, that you're suffering from a severe loss of memory. Fortunately, however, I packed the Recollection-Cycle Bat-Restorer for this little overseas trip.


"Gotham: Rise of the Villains: By Fire (#2.6)" (2015)
[Alfred Pennyworth teaches Bruce Wayne some boxing lessons]
Alfred Pennyworth: [Alfred and Bruce spar back and forth] Focus. Focus! Head down! Head down! Distractions will be the death of you, Master Bruce. Now, get on your toes. On your toes. Move!
Alfred Pennyworth: [Bruce begins to hop on both feet] Well, don't... dance around like a bloody showgirl. Come on. That's better. Better. Now, big left, big left. Go on!
Alfred Pennyworth: [Alfred grabs and holds Bruce in a headlock] I got you. Now, your enemies are gonna fight a lot dirtier than that.
Alfred Pennyworth: [Bruce bites his teeth into Alfred's arm forcing Alfred to let him go] Ow. Ow! Bloody hell.
Alfred Pennyworth: [Alfred hesitates with a smile] Very good, Master Bruce.


"Batman: The Animated Series: Nothing to Fear (#1.10)" (1992)
Alfred Pennyworth: Imagine that, sir.
Bruce Wayne: What?
Alfred Pennyworth: Someone dressed up in a frightening costume running around scaring people. What will they think of next?
Bruce Wayne: The question is, why would Scarecrow want to destroy the university?
Alfred Pennyworth: Perhaps he flunked phys. ed. Are you all right, sir?
Bruce Wayne: The Scarecrow drugged me with some kind of fear toxin. I never know when it's gonna hit me. I'm having horrible visions of my father. He says I'm shaming the family name.
Alfred Pennyworth: That's rubbish. I know your father would be proud of you because... I'm so proud of you.


"Gotham: Mad City: The Gentle Art of Making Enemies (#3.14)" (2017)
Alfred Pennyworth: There's a very fine line, Master Bruce, between justice and vengeance.
Bruce Wayne: I know. But that doesn't mean there isn't one.
Alfred Pennyworth: No, it doesn't.
Bruce Wayne: I knew where the line was tonight, Alfred. I didn't cross it.
Alfred Pennyworth: Well, that's the first rule.
Bruce Wayne: What do you mean?
Alfred Pennyworth: Well, I started training you so you could defend yourself. Well, we're well past that, aren't we? But what's all this training for? What are you gonna do with it?
Bruce Wayne: I don't know.
Alfred Pennyworth: Nor do I. But if you keep going, you're gonna need rules. Rules that you cannot and you will not break, never mind what the reason, never mind what the circumstance.
Bruce Wayne: I will not kill.
Alfred Pennyworth: Say it again.
Bruce Wayne: I will not kill.
Alfred Pennyworth: Then let's get to work...


"Gotham: Heroes Rise: Pretty Hate Machine (#3.20)" (2017)
Alfred Pennyworth: Bruce said something about it being his destiny. How Gotham must fall by his hand.
Harvey Bullock: This is bad. We got to find that friggin' bomb. Let's go see baldy-locks and see what he can tell us.


Batman: Vengeance (2001) (VG)
Alfred Pennyworth: Good evening, Master Bruce. I do hope you're getting along, despite my absence.


"Batman: The Animated Series: Feat of Clay Part I (#1.4)" (1992)
Alfred Pennyworth: Master Bruce, what am I to do about the police? They shall be back, you know. I can't keep telling them you're out.
Batman: Police? What police? What are you talking about?
Alfred Pennyworth: I suggest you consult the morning paper, sir.
Batman: [Batman picks up the newspaper] "Bruce Wayne sought for questioning in attempt on executive's life"? But that's impossible!


Holy Musical [email protected]! (2012) (TV)
Batman, Superman, Green Lantern, Robin, Commissioner Gordon, Candy, Alfred, Sweet Tooth, Vicki Vale, Catwoman: Rogues are we! / We're like long lost brothers who found each other and love each other like family / No more dark, sad, lonely, Batman!
[last lines]


"Batman: The Animated Series: Mad as a Hatter (#1.24)" (1992)
Alfred Pennyworth: Dare we hope that Gotham treats you to an early evening, sir?
Batman: I should be so lucky. The police emergency band just switched on.
Alfred Pennyworth: Then I'll prepare your usual breakfast: toast, coffee... bandages.
Batman: Goodnight, Alfred.


"Batman: The Animated Series: A Bullet for Bullock (#4.4)" (1995)
Alfred Pennyworth: Harvey Bullock? The detective who looks like an unmade bed?


"Gotham: Under the Knife (#1.20)" (2015)
Bruce Wayne: When you were in the army you had to kill people, right? Yes. Yes, I did.
Alfred Pennyworth: And it was necessary?
Bruce Wayne: Oh, I see so you overheard the conversation that Reggie and I had that was best left unsaid. But in answer to your question, yes. Yes, it was necessary.


"The New Batman Adventures: The Ultimate Thrill (#2.1)" (1998)
[after Batman makes an emergency landing with the Batwing]
Alfred Pennyworth: This is coming out of your allowance, Master Bruce.


"Batman: Hi Diddle Riddle (#1.1)" (1966)
Bruce Wayne: My resources are behind you... in full.
Mr. Harris: You're a real champion, Mr. Wayne.
Female visitor: Indeed you are.
Bruce Wayne: Don't mention it, Mr. Harris. Perhaps if they're had been anti-crime centers of the type you now propose when my own parents were murdered by dastardly criminals...
Bruce Wayne: [Alfred clears his throat] Yes, Alfred?
Alfred Pennyworth: [Whispers] The batphone sir.
Bruce Wayne: Forgive me. I'm just reminded I promised to take my young ward Dick Grayson fishing. If you'll excuse me.
Mr. Harris: It will be a pleasure working with you, sir.
Female visitor: It's wonderful knowing you're behind us.
Bruce Wayne: Oh there you are, Dick. Feel like a bit of... fishing?
Dick Grayson: Holy Barracuda! You mean...
[Dick notices Aunt Harriet behind him]
Dick Grayson: Sure, Bruce. Why not? Sounds swell. Doesn't it Aunt Harriet?


"Gotham: Rise of the Villains: The Last Laugh (#2.3)" (2015)
[Alfred Pennyworth learns that Dr. Thompkins isn't single after trying to ask her on a date]
James Gordon: Kiss me?
Dr. Leslie Thompkins: Jim...
James Gordon: Kiss me.
[Lee smiles before passionately kissing Gordon on the lips]
Alfred Pennyworth: [Alfred looks back as him and Bruce leave the Gala] Oh, bugger.
Bruce Wayne: Alfred.
Alfred Pennyworth: You knew, didn't you?
Bruce Wayne: I didn't know, Alfred.
Alfred Pennyworth: You did, you let me make a right mug of me-self.


"Gotham: A Dark Knight: Pax Penguina (#4.1)" (2017)
Bruce Wayne: I have my things in the car. We can stop them in the parking garage.
Alfred Pennyworth: Absolutely not, Master Bruce.
Bruce Wayne: Alfred, Penguin is gonna to take those men out and kill them.
Alfred Pennyworth: Undoubtedly so - but as you said before, you can make a difference. There is a time for masks, and there is a time for Bruce Wayne.


"Batman: The Catwoman Goeth (#2.34)" (1966)
Alfred: [Batman arrives in the Batcave walking briskly, where Alfred is dusting the Alf-Cycle] Oh! You gave me quite a startle, sir. I didn't hear the Batmobile.
Batman: No, I took the subway to Wayne station and Batwalked up the road.


"Batman: Nora Clavicle and the Ladies' Crime Club (#3.19)" (1968)
Alfred: [to Batman] Well, good luck, sir. We men are counting on you, you know.