The Penguin
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Quotes for
The Penguin (Character)
from Batman Returns (1992)

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Batman Returns (1992)
[addressing a huge flock of penguins]
The Penguin: My dear penguins, we stand on a great threshold! It's okay to be scared; many of you won't be coming back. Thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish *all* God's children! 1st, 2nd, 3rd *and* 4th-born! Why be biased? Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal with their erogenous zones blown sky high! Forward march! The liberation of Gotham has begun!

The Penguin: Touring the riot scene. Gravely assessing the devastation. Upstanding mayor stuff.
Batman: You're not the mayor.
The Penguin: Things change.

The Penguin: True. I was their number one son, and they treated me like number two.

Batman: What do you want?
The Penguin: Ah, the direct approach. I admire that in a man with a mask.
[laughs, then turns serious]
The Penguin: You don't really think you'll win, do you?
Batman: Things change.
[Catwoman backflips into the middle of the confrontation. They stare at her, momentarily nonplussed]
Catwoman: Meow.
[a store explodes, she slips off]
The Penguin: I saw her first... gotta fly!

Fat Clown: Penguin... I mean, killing sleeping children. Isn't it that a little, uh...
[Penguin grabs an umbrella and shoots Henchman dead]
The Penguin: No! It's a lot "uh"!
[Kicks Henchman into the water]

The Penguin: But when it comes down to it, who's holding the umbrella?

The Penguin: I believe the word you're looking for is "Aaahh"!

The Penguin: You're just jealous, because I'm a genuine freak and you have to wear a mask!
Batman: You might be right.

The Penguin: [to his penguins] My babies. Did you miss me?
[he gets out of his wooden duck]
The Penguin: Did you miss me?
Henchman: Great speech, Oswald.
[Penguin hits him]
The Penguin: [shouting] My name is not Oswald! It's Penguin! I am not a human being. I am an animal! Cold-blooded!

[the Ice Princess mistakes the batarang for a camera]
The Penguin: Say cheese!
Ice Princess: Cheese!
[he throws it at her]

[the Organ Grinder's monkey approachs]
The Penguin: So where are all the children?
[the monkey hands him a note with a bat symbol on it]
The Penguin: "Dear Penguin. The children regret they are unable to attend - Batman."
[the Penguin screams]

[the Penguin creeps up behind Batman and grabs a trick umbrella - only to find it weaponless]
The Penguin: Ah, shit... I picked a cute one.
[hurls away the umbrella]
The Penguin: The heat's getting to me. I'll murder you momentarily. But first, I need a cold drink of ice water.
[he keels over on the edge of the bank. Six emperor penguins waddle up to the him and slide his body into the water]

The Penguin: You gotta admit I played this stinkin' city like a harp from hell.

The Penguin: [to Catwoman] Just the pussy I've been lookin' for!

The Penguin: [to Catwoman] You're Beauty and the Beast in one luscious Christmas gift pack.

The Penguin: They wouldn't put me on a pedestal, so I'm layin' 'em on a slab!

The Penguin: Just relax. I'll take care of the squealing, wretched, pinhead puppets of Gotham!

Volunteer Bimbo: You are the coolest role-model a young person could have!
The Penguin: And you're the hottest young person a role-model could have.

The Penguin: You didn't invite me, so I CRASHED!

The Penguin: Check it out. We're gonna disassemble his Batmobile and turn it into an H-bomb on wheels.
Catwoman: No, no, he'd have even more power as a martyr. To destroy Batman, we must first turn him into what he hates the most. Namely us.

The Penguin: Burn baby, burn!

Catwoman: Not even in office yet and already an enemies list, hmm?
The Penguin: Those names are not for prying eyes. Hey, why should I trust some cat-broad, anyway? Maybe you're just a screwed-up sorority chick who's gettin' back at her daddy for not buying her that pony when she turned sweet sixteen.

[plotting against Batman]
Catwoman: Batman napalmed my arm, he knocked me off a building just when I was starting to feel good about myself. I wanna play an integral part in his degradation.
The Penguin: A plan is forming.
Catwoman: I want in. The thought of busting Batman makes me feel all... dirty. Maybe I'll just give myself a bath right here.
[licks herself in a cat-like manner]

The Penguin: [to a crowd of voters] I may have saved the mayor's baby, but I refuse to save a mayor who stood by helpless *as a baby*, while Gotham City was ravaged by a disease that turned eagle scouts into crazed clowns and happy homemakers into catwomen!

Catwoman: We need to talk. You see, you and I have something in common.
The Penguin: Sounds familiar. Appetite for destruction? Contempt for the czars of fashion? Wait, don't tell me...
[begins to crawl onto the bed she's sitting on]
The Penguin: naked sexual charisma.
Catwoman: Batman. The thorn in both our sides. The fly in our ointment.
The Penguin: Ointment!
[jumps up and picks up two bottles]
The Penguin: Scented or unscented?
Catwoman: I'll come back later.

The Penguin: By the way, how's Fred Atkins, your old partner?
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Fred? Fred's actually... I believe he's on extended vacation. He's-he's good.
The Penguin: Good?
[Penguin takes out a severed hand]
The Penguin: Hi, Max! Remember me? I'm Fred's hand! You wanna greet any other body parts? Remember, Max. You flush it. I flaunt it.

The Penguin: Rats with wings do your thing.

The Penguin: [hooking Catwoman onto his trick umbrella, which launches into the air] Goodbye, my unintended; go to Heaven.

The Penguin: Actually, this is all just a bad dream. You're at home, in bed, heavily sedated, resting comfortably, dying from the carcinogens you personally spewed in a lifetime of profiteering. Tragic irony or poetic justice, you tell me.

The Penguin: [while being bombarded by food] Why is there always someone who brings eggs and tomatoes to a speech?

The Penguin: [spinning an umbrella with hypnotic swirls painted on] What you hide, I discover. What you put in your toilet, I place on my mantle. Get the picture?
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: What is that supposed to do? Hypnotize me?
The Penguin: No, just give you a splitting headache.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Well, it's not working.
[Penguin jerks the umbrella, which fires a shot, and Max jumps]
The Penguin: Ah, you big baby. Just blanks.

Josh: Not a lot of reflective surfaces down in the sewer, huh?
[he chuckles and the Penguin joins in]
The Penguin: Still... could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood.
[they both laugh again]
Josh: Your nose could be... what do you mean by tha...
[the Penguin bites Josh's nose]

The Penguin: [on the Batmobile's TV screen] Don't adjust your sets. Welcome to the Oswald Cobblepot school of driving. Gentlemen, start your screaming!

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: So he survived. What's the worry?
The Penguin: He didn't even lose a limb! An eyeball! Bladder control!

The Penguin: [driving the Batmobile] Maybe this is a bad time to mention this, but my license has expired!

Catwoman: It's chilly in here.
The Penguin: I'll warm you.

Catwoman: You said you were going to scare the Ice Princess.
The Penguin: She looked pretty scared to me!

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: I wish I could hand out World Peace and Unconditional Love, wrapped in a big bow.
The Penguin: [Watching from behind the sewer grill] Oh, but you can! Oh, but you will!

The Penguin: I could really get into this mayor stuff. It's not about power, it's about reaching out to people - touching people - groping people!

The Penguin: [to Catwoman] You lousy minx! I oughta have you spayed!

The Penguin: You're coming with me, ya great white dope, to die way down in the sewer!
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Not Chip! If you have an iota of human feeling, take me instead.
The Penguin: I don't, so no.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: I'm the one you want. Ask yourself. Isn't it Max Shreck who manipulated and betrayed you, eh? Isn't it Max, not Chip, who you wanna see immersed up to his eyeballs in raw sewage?
The Penguin: [thinks] Okay, you got a point. I'll let the little prince live.

The Penguin: I'd like to fill her void.

"Gotham: Wrath of the Villains: Prisoners (#2.16)" (2016)
[Elijah Van Dahl tells the Van Dahl family his house has ghosts]
Grace Van Dahl: [around the dinner table] Do you believe in ghosts, Oswald?
Oswald Cobblepot: Yes, I do. I've seen them.
Elijah Van Dahl: This house has several of them. But don't worry, they're all quite friendly.
Grace Van Dahl: Don't listen to him. There are no ghosts here.
Elijah Van Dahl: Oh, there's ghosts, all right. This house was built by my grandfather. He died here. His wife and two sisters also passed away upstairs. And my poor dear parents. Yes, many ghosts.

[Elijah Van Dahl asks Oswald Cobblepot if his mother had a happy life]
Elijah Van Dahl: Did she have a happy life?
Oswald Cobblepot: No. Not a happy life. But a good one. She never hurt a soul.

[Oswald Cobblepot tells his father he was not always a good son]
Oswald Cobblepot: I was not always a good son, and she never spoke a word of reproach.
Elijah Van Dahl: Not a good son? I find that hard to credit. A nice young man like you?
Oswald Cobblepot: Believe me. I've done bad things.
Elijah Van Dahl: [Oswald shakes his head] We're all sinners my boy.

[Elijah Van Dahl admits to Oswald Cobblepot that he has demons]
Elijah Van Dahl: [Oswald sees his father's medicine] They're for my condition.
Oswald Cobblepot: Your heart?
Elijah Van Dahl: I have a hole in it. It keeps getting bigger apparently. I think my demons are feeding on it.
Oswald Cobblepot: You have demons?
Elijah Van Dahl: Sadly, I do. You, too, I fear.

[Oswald Cobblepot admits his sins to Elijah Van Dahl]
Oswald Cobblepot: There's so much I haven't told you. So much that I'm ashamed of. I was a criminal. I've done... horrible things. Hurt people, manipulated, lied. For power, for revenge. I've killed people, father.
Elijah Van Dahl: [Elijah puts his hand to Oswald's face] Our lives together started the moment I met you at the cemetery. Nothing before that concerns me. I forgive you for all your past transgressions. Be free of them and live here in peace.

[Grace Van Dahl and her children tell Elijah Van Dahl the truth about Oswald Cobblepot]
Grace Van Dahl: He's a notorious criminal. We've been sheltering a killer.
Grace Van Dahl: [Grace holds the newspaper up] We could have all been raped and murdered in our beds.
Sasha Van Dahl: [Sasha repeats after her mother] 'Raped and murdered.'
Elijah Van Dahl: [Elijah reads the headline of the paper] They call you the Penguin?
Oswald Cobblepot: [Oswald stands up facing Grace] To be fair... I never raped anybody.
Grace Van Dahl: Oh, well, that's a mercy, now, isn't it?

[Elijah Van Dahl defends his son Oswald Cobblepot and his former past]
Elijah Van Dahl: My son told me about his past. He just didn't tell me how famous he was. You're too modest, son.
Grace Van Dahl: Elijah... a violent criminal in our house?
Elijah Van Dahl: Grace, relax, he's changed. Redeemed. You're not this man anymore, are you?
Oswald Cobblepot: [Elijah looks to Oswald as Oswald pleads to his father] Oh, no, sir.

[Sasha Van Dahl tries to seduce Oswald Cobblepot]
Oswald Cobblepot: Please, call me Oswald. I-I'm not that man anymore.
Sasha Van Dahl: There isn't a little bit of Penguin left? A little bad boy?
Oswald Cobblepot: [Oswald shakes his head] No.
Sasha Van Dahl: [Sasha opens up her shirt] I got a little bad girl in me.

[Sasha Van Dahl tries persuading Oswald Cobblepot to join her against her family]
Sasha Van Dahl: Whatever you've got planned for the old man, I want in.
Oswald Cobblepot: In?
Sasha Van Dahl: We could do great things, you and me.
Oswald Cobblepot: I suppose. I hadn't...
Sasha Van Dahl: If you and me work together, we could have it all. We could even squeeze my mom and brother out.

[Sasha Van Dahl holds Oswald Cobblepot in his bed as she tries to kiss him]
Sasha Van Dahl: I guess we're just a couple of crazy mixed up kids.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Oswald slips out from under Sasha] Restrain yourself, woman! I'm your, practically your brother. What are you thinking?

[Elijah Van Dahl fits Oswald Cobblepot into a bright Italian suit]
Elijah Van Dahl: A man can say so much about himself by what he wears.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Oswald chuckles] I couldn't agree more.
Elijah Van Dahl: I weep for today's casual youth.

[Elijah Van Dahl tells Oswald Cobblepot the truth about his grandfather]
Elijah Van Dahl: I lied to you, son.
Oswald Cobblepot: Oh?
Elijah Van Dahl: My father was never physically ill. He only suffered a deep melancholy. He was plagued by dark impulses, evil thoughts of violence. Mother said many in his family had the same affliction. I remember the sound of the gunshot. I was outside his room. I screamed for my mother to get the key. I saw the warm gun in his hand. The blood. His face. Mother said never to talk about it. For years after the funeral, we never left the house. I don't pretend to understand my fathers torment. But I think perhaps you do. I feel for you, and I beg of you, my son. Never give in to the pain as he did. You are loved, and you are not alone. And the sun will come up tomorrow.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Oswald smiles while tearing up] Thank you, father.

[Elijah Van Dahl tells Oswald Cobblepot that he wants to give Oswald the family house]
Elijah Van Dahl: Now I feel like a drink.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Oswald chuckles and sniffles] Uh... but your health.
Elijah Van Dahl: To hell with that.
Elijah Van Dahl: [Oswald chuckles as Elijah takes a drink] I want you to have it all my son. This house and all that's in it. Keep it just the way it is, a piece of history. Our history. Gotham's history.

Batman: Arkham City (2011) (VG)
The Penguin: [to Batman] Look around you. This horrible bunch of psychopaths are all begging to join up with me, but unfortunately for them, I only take the best. And today, the best means whoever can kill you, come on out lads, it's initiation time

The Penguin: [blows up a bridge] See, I told you it would work. Blow up the bridges and cut off the clown's forces. Easy.
Inmate: But Mr. Cobblepot, we're stuck too.
The Penguin: So?
Inmate: We can't get back.
The Penguin: And your point is?
Inmate: Well, it's just... you've left us over here with The Joker's crew.
The Penguin: Try and take some of them down before you die, son. Ha ha ha.
Inmate: You bastard.

Batman: You're finished, Cobblepot.
The Penguin: No! I'm sorry. Please don't hurt me.
Batman: I can't guarantee that.
The Penguin: [pulls out detonator] Me neither.
[the platform explodes, sending Batman to a lower level]

The Penguin: What the hell is happening down there? Hello! Is someone gonna answer me? I give you one simple task. Stick up a couple of freaking machines. And what? You couldn't even get that right? I hope Batman broke every bone in you stupid bodies. I hope you lie in there, desperately trying to breathe through fractured ribs and punctured lungs. And if you're not, you better summon whatever strength you've got left and run. 'Cause after I'm done with the bat, you're all next!

The Penguin: So, Batman, you 'ere for the cops, the ice man, or me?
Batman: I was only here for Fries and the hostages, but now, I'm taking you down too.
The Penguin: Ooh, aren't you scary.
Batman: You're about to find out.

Catwoman: [sees Penguin trapped in a display case] What the hell are you supposed to be?
The Penguin: Piss off!
Catwoman: Really? Okay, if you insist. Oh, I forgot to say, speak to me like that again, Penguin, and I'll show you just what it feels like for a poor little bird to be torn apart by a cat.
The Penguin: Please, don't hurt me! I didn't mean it!
Catwoman: That's much nicer. See, you can be nice, Oswald. See you around.

The Penguin: Well, look who it is. What's up, Batman? Did a little bird tell you that Two-Face was back?
Batman: I'm surprised he didn't kill you. What did you do, hide?
The Penguin: Who do you think you're talking to? Oswald Cobblepot doesn't hide from anyone, understand? He just... he just didn't see me.
Batman: How convenient.

The Penguin: [to Batman] Hold still ya wanker!

The Penguin: All alone, son. You better not piss me off by dyin'. I'd hate to have to wake ya up to kill ya again.

The Penguin: I'm running out of patience. You're running out of people. Let's see what runs out first!

The Penguin: [Freezing Batman's right arm] Stay where I can see you, Batman. You wouldn't believe the fight the ol' snowman put up. Still, I got what I wanted That's all that matters.
[Shoots at the GCPD Officer]
The Penguin: Hold still, boy.
Undercover GCPD Officer: [Gets shot with an ice blast] No, no noooooo!
The Penguin: When you're done in here, feel free to meet me in the Iceberg Lounge so I can kick your ass again.
The Penguin: Enjoy the Cop-Sicle.

"Gotham: Mad City: Look Into My Eyes (#3.3)" (2016)
[the Penguin challenges Mayor James's appointment to office]
Mayor Aubrey James: Since the death of Galavan, the office of mayor has been governed by the elected officials you see behind me. This city desperately needs experienced, seasoned leadership. And so, in their wisdom, they have persuaded me... much against my will... to resume the office of mayor until elections can be organized in the new year.
Oswald Cobblepot: Stop! This proceeding is a sham.
Mayor Aubrey James: Security, remove this criminal!
Oswald Cobblepot: Criminal? I was jailed illegally by a corrupt system. A corrupt system that was put into place by this man, who has the audacity to put himself back into the position that he brought so much shame and dishonor to.
Mayor Aubrey James: How dare you!
Oswald Cobblepot: No, how dare you waltz up there and announce yourself mayor? The people demand to have a say into who will represent them, who will protect them.

[the Penguin announces his candidacy for the office of mayor]
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin shouts] To govern this city, one should be legally elected, which is why I, Oswald Cobblepot, announce my candidacy for the office of mayor. And I demand, and the people demand, that an emergency election be held forthwith!
[as the crowd cheers and applauses Cobblepot's name]

[Butch Gilzean walks into the Penguin's campaign headquarters]
Butch Gilzean: Holy crap.
Oswald Cobblepot: Gotham is rife with crime, Butch. Who better than a criminal to clean it up?
Butch Gilzean: Okay. Look, you know I've faced the worst Gotham has to offer, but politicians, they scare me.

[the Penguin tells Butch Gilzean his legacy to run for mayor]
Oswald Cobblepot: The people of Gotham are with me. They are scared, which means angry. And who have they got to turn to? Aubrey James?
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin scoffs] Please. That man is a hack. This is my opportunity to create a legacy. One that my father would be proud of.
Office Lady: [in the distance] Mr. Cobblepot?
Oswald Cobblepot: What do you think?
Butch Gilzean: [Butch sighs] You got my vote.

[the Penguin meets Mayor James at a public restaurant]
Oswald Cobblepot: A public place. Smart.
Mayor Aubrey James: Knowing your flare for the dramatic, I felt it necessary.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin laughs] How flattering.

[the Penguin tells Mayor James that he has himself to when the candidacy]
Oswald Cobblepot: The public sees me as a man of action, of change. You... You are yesterday's sad joke. While Galavan humiliated this city, where were you? In a warehouse with a box on your head.
Mayor Aubrey James: You're an unstable lunatic, Penguin, and people are gonna see right through you. I've got the judges, the unions, the GCPD, and a whole team of legal experts behind me. What do you got?
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin smiles] I have me.
Mayor Aubrey James: [Mayor James laughs] You're psychotic!

[Mayor James has men and women in the restaurant pull out their guns on the Penguin]
Mayor Aubrey James: Not this time, Penguin. My head will not be put in a box again.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin smiles] Oh, you. So smart. Always one step ahead.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin snaps his finger as the remaining men and women in the restaurant pull out their guns, when Penguin chuckles] Never three.

[the Penguin asks Charles Quimby to release Edward Nygma from Arkham Asylum]
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin smiles] Even though my victory is inevitable, I fear my campaign is missing one key element. A colleague of mine is locked up here. Unfairly.
Charles Quimby: Are you suggesting that I release a convicted criminal out onto the street?
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin smiles] Well, yes. For your betterment.
Charles Quimby: That would take extensive patient analysis, uh, probational hearings, appeals...
Man On P.A.: [as the P.A. system comes on] Lockdown is now in full effect.
Oswald Cobblepot: Of course, there's always plan B. I give you nothing... but I make sure you remain here forever. Not as a warden, no. I would see you scrub floors and empty inmates' latrines.
Charles Quimby: Oh...
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin chuckles] Options.

[Edward Nygma tries questioning Charles Quimby outside the Arkham Asylum gates]
Edward Nygma: Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but how did you...
Edward Nygma: [when a car pulls up] Never mind.
Oswald Cobblepot: [when the window lowers, Penguin smiles] Hello, old friend.
[as Nygma smiles]

"Gotham: Mad City: Better to Reign in Hell (#3.1)" (2016)
[Barbara Kean turns down Penguin's offer for protection]
Barbara Kean: I imagine you're here about your offer. To let us shelter under your umbrella?
Oswald Cobblepot: I only want what's best for you.
Barbara Kean: I appreciate the thought. But... we're big girls. We can handle ourselves. Can't we?
Tabitha Galavan: [when Tabitha Galavan enters the room] Sure we can.

[Butch Gilzean sees Tabitha Galavan for the first time in months]
Tabitha Galavan: Hey, Butch.
Butch Gilzean: Hey, h-h-how you doing?
Tabitha Galavan: You taking care of yourself?
Butch Gilzean: Y-Yeah, yeah. So, uh, so how you doing?
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin scoffs] You already asked her that.

[Penguin offers a reward for Fish Mooney to both Barbara Kean and Tabitha Galavan]
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin smiles] Spread the word. I want Fish Mooney. And I will give a million dollars... to whoever can bring her to me. Dead... or alive. Chopped into pieces. I want her.

[Selina Kyle talks to Butch Gilzean at the bar]
Selina Kyle: You okay, Butch? World getting you down?
Butch Gilzean: [Butch sighs over Tabitha] Yeah, I'm fine, kid. And you're too young to be in here. Scram.
Selina Kyle: Jeesh. Just trying to be nice.
Butch Gilzean: [Selina leaves as Penguin walks up to Butch] Just seeing her kills me, you know?
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin hangs his head] Get over it. And that child just stole your wallet.

[Penguin visits Edward Nygma at Arkham Asylum with a present]
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin smiles] It's a puzzle. The trick is opening it.
Oswald Cobblepot: [as Nygma starts working on the puzzle box] The man at the store said it's one of the most difficult ever made. People pass it down unsolved for generations. A mathematician once went mad trying...
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguins scoffs when Nygma opens the box] Yes.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin laughs] Well, there you go.
Edward Nygma: It was a lovely thought.

[Penguin asks Edward Nygma while at Arkham Asylum if he's got the other presents he made for him]
Oswald Cobblepot: Did you get the biscuits? A-And the sweater? I-I know how drafty these rooms are.

[Penguin tells Edward Nygma while at Arkham Asylum why he's being so nice to him]
Edward Nygma: Why are you being so kind?
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin pauses] Talking to you these past months, I don't know how I would've gotten by otherwise. With Fish out there planning who knows what... Me being surrounded by morons and lunatics.
Edward Nygma: [Nygma looks over his shoulder] I know the feeling.

[Edward Nygma reminds Penguin that penguins eat fish]
Oswald Cobblepot: Why didn't she kill me when she had the chance? I was powerless. She must have a larger goal. I-I need to know what she is doing.
Edward Nygma: Do you?
Edward Nygma: [Nygma pauses] When Alexander encountered the Gordian knot, a knot so complex no one had ever been able to untangle it... he just removed his sword and cut it in two. Details can be distracting. Sometimes... a simple solution is best. See, no matter what she is planning, just remember... penguins... eat... fish.

[Barbara Kean solves the mystery behind the henchman Boris]
Barbara Kean: Are you telling me you don't see what's going on here? He is behind this.
Butch Gilzean: [Barb points to Butch] What are you talking about?
Barbara Kean: He sent this ding dong to squeeze us, hoping it would send us back to you, so that he could lord it over Tabby. Ain't that right?
Butch Gilzean: [Butch chuckles] That's c... that's just... that's crazy. She's crazy. She was in Arkham. Hello?
Oswald Cobblepot: 'Hello'? So was I.

"Gotham: Mad City: New Day Rising (#3.4)" (2016)
Edward Nygma: If it weren't for you, I would still be falling asleep to the screams of the insane.
Oswald Cobblepot: It becomes almost a white noise after a while, doesn't it?
Edward Nygma: It does.

[Edward Nygma tells Penguin that Arkham Asylum made them both stronger]
Edward Nygma: I do believe, Oswald, Arkham has made us both stronger.
Oswald Cobblepot: I couldn't agree more. Which is why I had our release certificates framed. A reminder of past struggles and new beginnings.
Edward Nygma: If I didn't know better, I'd accuse you of being a sentimentalist.
Oswald Cobblepot: Guilty.

Oswald Cobblepot: My beloved mother always believed in me. Even when I doubted myself, she held firm. Seeing all of your bright faces reminds me that there is nothing you cannot do if you put your mind to it. And when I am mayor, I believe... no... I know that together, we will make Gotham safe again!

Little Girl: Mr. Penguin?
Oswald Cobblepot: [with a smile] Hello, there.
Little Girl: I wanted to thank you for getting rid of all the monsters.
Oswald Cobblepot: [to Nygma] Do you see? People look at me differently now. For the first time in my life, I feel wanted.
Oswald Cobblepot: [holding out hand for a payoff] Nice doing business with you.

Edward Nygma: I can't be bought, but I can be stolen with a glance. I'm worthless to one, but priceless to two. What am I?
Oswald Cobblepot: I don't care. I do not need a stupid riddle right now.

Oswald Cobblepot: Give me one reason why I shouldn't let Butch kill you where you stand.
Edward Nygma: Well, there are about thirty witnesses...
Oswald Cobblepot: I don't care!
Edward Nygma: [pointing to a television] And there's that.
[Penguin turns around to see the crowd cheering on the television that he has won the election]

Oswald Cobblepot: I can't be bought, but I can be stolen with one glance. I'm worthless to one, but priceless to two. Love.
[hearing the crowd on television cheering for him]
Oswald Cobblepot: They love me.
Edward Nygma: If you would've bought the election, you would've never known. But now you do.
Edward Nygma: [Penguin chuckles] Feels good, doesn't it?
Oswald Cobblepot: How did you know I would win?
Edward Nygma: I believe in you, Oswald. Even when you don't believe in yourself.

[the Penguin tells Butch Gilzean that he's no longer cut out for the job]
Oswald Cobblepot: You never believed I could win this election on my own. I think maybe you're not cut out for this after all.
Butch Gilzean: [about Nygma] What? You got to be kidding me. This guy...
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin shouts] Don't worry. I still need someone to crack skulls.

Oswald Cobblepot: It is with a humble heart that I accept the trust placed in me by this great city to become your mayor. The people have spoken, and I have heard their call. And as my first act as mayor, I would like to introduce you to my chief of staff, Mr. Edward Nygma!

"Gotham: Rise of the Villains: A Bitter Pill to Swallow (#2.9)" (2015)
[Edward Nygma wakes up the Penguin]
Edward Nygma: [Nygma leans forward] Hello, sleepyhead.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin begins panting] Where am I?
Edward Nygma: [Nygma quickly stammers] Rapid movement and elevated heart rate are counterproductive with the healing process.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin starts screaming] No! No! Don't kill me!
Edward Nygma: [Nygma stabs a needle into Penguin's neck] Apologies in advance.
Edward Nygma: [Nygma's voice talks distortedly to Penguin] Rest up, my feathered friend. We have a big night ahead of us.

[Edward Nygma reintroduces himself to the Penguin]
Oswald Cobblepot: You drugged me.
Edward Nygma: That was for your own benefit, Mr. Penguin. You have extensive injuries.
Oswald Cobblepot: I know you.
Edward Nygma: Ed. Nygma. We met once before at the GCPD.
Oswald Cobblepot: You're not a cop.
Edward Nygma: [Nygma laughs] Oh, no, no, no. No, I'm in forensics. Do you believe in fate?
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin realizes he's in Nygma's pajamas] Where are my clothes?
Edward Nygma: Oh, I threw them away. They smelled.

[Edward Nygma confesses to Penguin that he's murdered people]
Edward Nygma: Recently, I've been going through a sort of change. 'What kind of change?' You ask.
Oswald Cobblepot: I didn't.
Edward Nygma: I've started murdering people.
Edward Nygma: [Nygma takes a deep breath before chuckles] Wow! That is thrilling to say out loud.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Nygma laughs] How many people?
Edward Nygma: Three in total.
Edward Nygma: [Penguin scoffs] Two of them I really didn't care for. But one was my girlfriend, Miss Kringle. She was the love of my life.

[Edward Nygma asks for Penguin's advice]
Edward Nygma: I have no ill intentions towards you.
Oswald Cobblepot: Then what are your intentions?
Edward Nygma: I need advice, Mr. Penguin. These murders... changed me. And like the butterfly, I've come to realize that I cannot be a caterpillar once again. And you're one of the city's notorious killers. I brought you here, in part, because I was hoping you could guide me on this new path.

[Penguin gives Edward Nygma his advice]
Oswald Cobblepot: My empire is in ruins. I'm a wanted man with no friends. And my mother... the one person I swore to protect is dead because of my weakness.
Oswald Cobblepot: [inhales sharply] Believe me when I tell you that this path you're on leads to nothing but destruction and pain.
[Nygma grins]

[Edward Nygma gives Penguin a riddle as Penguin lays in bed missing his mother]
Edward Nygma: I can bring tears to your eyes and resurrect the dead. I form in an instant and last a lifetime. What am I?
Oswald Cobblepot: A memory.

[Penguin tells Edward Nygma a story about his mother]
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin sniffles] Every night when I was young, my mother would sing that song to me when I was going to bed. And every time, she would tell me, 'Oswald... don't listen to the other children. You're handsome and clever. And some day, you will be a great man'. She said that every time. That's all I have left now. Memories. And they're like daggers in my heart.
Edward Nygma: [Nygma replies with a stern face] Not forever.

[Edward Nygma tells Penguin the type of man he is]
Edward Nygma: [Nygma walks up to Penguin] Mr. Penguin. For some men, love is a source of strength. But for you and I, it will always be our most crippling weakness.
Oswald Cobblepot: Move aside, Ed.
Edward Nygma: We are better off unencumbered.
Oswald Cobblepot: What did you say?
Edward Nygma: You said it yourself. Your mother is dead because of your weakness. But what you need to realize is that your weakness was her.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin grabs a knife and shoves it up to Nygma's neck, screaming] My mother was a saint! The only person who truly cared about me, and now she's gone! And now I have nothing left.
Edward Nygma: A man with nothing that he loves... is a man who cannot be bargained. A man that cannot betrayed. A man who answers to no one... but himself. And that is the man that I see before me. A free man.

[Edward Nygma and Penguin go into Edward's closet to get the tied up Galavan lackey]
Oswald Cobblepot: My mother always said a party is not a party without entertainment.

Batman: The Movie (1966)
The Riddler: I see the way to do it! We'll play each of our treacherous trumps in one hand, and we'll do it right here!
The Penguin: How?
The Riddler: How? The end! The end, oh...
The Riddler: We shall spring them from The Joker's Jack-In-The-Box, through that window, out over the sea, and into the waiting arms of The Penguin's Exploding Octopus!
[giggles again]
The Riddler: The trigger: one of my riddles, of course, and the bait: You! Catwoman!

The Penguin: Careful, careful, every one of them's got a mother.

The Catwoman: You dismal bird! You and your submarine, Where has it got us now?
The Penguin: Shut up, you feline floozy!

The Penguin: Ahoy there! Could you chaps direct me to a policeman? Commodore Schmidlapp's the name. Big Ben Distilleries, you know.
[Batman and Robin look at each other]
Robin: Holy costume party. That's the Penguin.
Batman: Obviously.
Robin: What's his game, I wonder.
[Batman turns back to the Penguin]
Batman: What's your game, Penguin?
The Penguin: Penguin?
The Penguin: No, my name's Schmidlapp, old boy. Schmidlapp.

The Penguin: Waugh waugh!
The Joker: [mocking] Waugh waugh!

The Riddler: You and your trained, exploding shark!
The Penguin: How was I to know they'd have a can of shark-repellent Batspray handy?

The Penguin: Now hear this, now hear this. This is your Captain speaking. My fine pinioned pirates, we're approaching the tricky buoy! Sharpen your cutlasses! There may be skullduggery ahead!

The Penguin: There are two eggs this wily bird is going to scramble: Batman and Robin! Waugh, waugh, waugh, waugh!

[Penguin's submarine has been fired upon by Batman and Robin]
The Catwoman: Penguin, you know I can't take water!
The Penguin: You cowardly kitten! You want to live forever?

"Gotham: Wrath of the Villains: Mr. Freeze (#2.12)" (2016)
[Captain Barnes interrogates Penguin about what happened at Theo Galavan's that night]
Captain Nathaniel Barnes: Why don't you start with the moment right after you knocked me out with that vase?
Oswald Cobblepot: I'm sorry for that. Such an exquisite vase.
Captain Nathaniel Barnes: [Barnes' face remains still] This is my amused look.

[Penguin admits to the murder of Theo Galavan]
Oswald Cobblepot: I took Galavan to the river and killed him. Slowly.
Captain Nathaniel Barnes: You confess to murder?
Oswald Cobblepot: Yes, I do. Proud of it. I'm not a criminal, you know? I'm just... insane.

[Captain Barnes shows up at the GCPD with the Penguin in handcuffs]
Captain Nathaniel Barnes: [the police clap] Silence! What are you a bunch of cheerleaders? This is not a game! This is our job! And this... specimen... this is just one sad pathetic skell. There are plenty of scumbags out there. Plenty. So stop waving your pom-poms and go catch some.
Oswald Cobblepot: Yeah, stare all you want. Big whoop. You got me. I'm cool. It's all good.

[Edward Nygma asks Penguin in his prison cell if he can help in any way]
Edward Nygma: Is there anything I can do to help?
Oswald Cobblepot: I'm beyond help. Forget me, my friend. But if you would take care of my mother's grave, I would be very grateful. If you'd visit occasionally, tell her I'm thinking of her.
Edward Nygma: I will.
Oswald Cobblepot: She likes lilies.
Edward Nygma: Occasional visits, lilies, check.

[Penguin reveals to the Arkham Asylum inmates that he's the King of Gotham]
Oswald Cobblepot: [standing on the cafeteria table] There seems to be some confusion. My name... is Oswald Cobblepot. Many of you, no doubt, will have heard of me.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin sees that most of the inmates haven't heard of him] Some of you, clearly, have not. For those poor, ignorant souls, I offer illumination. I am not a man to be trifled with. Oh, no. I am powerful. I am vicious! I am the King of Gotham.
Loonie #3: [one of the loonies whispers] He think he's the King of Gotham.
Loonie #1: [a loonie stands up and screams] I'm King of Gotham!
Loonie #2: [another follows] No, I am the King of Gotham!

[Penguin meets Hugo Strange for the first time]
Oswald Cobblepot: Am I being punished?
Hugo Strange: Oh, no. I make it a point to meet all the inmates. It's part of the intake protocol. Though I will ask you to refrain from making speeches atop the cafeteria tables in the future.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin smiles] I'll do my best.

[Hugo Strange asks how Penguin is adjusting to Arkham Asylum]
Hugo Strange: Periods of great transition can bring out great... stress. Surely this must be a traumatic experience for you.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin chuckles] Please. This is a pillow fight compared to what I've been through.

[Hugo Strange threatens Penguin with his treatment programs]
Hugo Strange: Don't worry, here at Arkham we have a number of intensive treatment programs. I am more than confident that we'll be able to facilitate your... rehabilitation.
Oswald Cobblepot: My what?
Hugo Strange: Rehabilitation. That's why you're here, after all. To be cured of your sickness. You are sick... aren't you?

"Gotham: Rise of the Villains: Worse Than a Crime (#2.11)" (2015)
[Penguin offers Jim Gordon a team-up in taking Theo Galavan down]
Oswald Cobblepot: You and I share a bond in Theo Galavan. A passion if you will. If there was ever a time for us to work together, now is that time.

[Leslie Thompkins tries to convince Jim Gordon to not team-up with the Penguin]
Dr. Leslie Thompkins: Have I got you all wrong? Are you just crazy?
James Gordon: Of course not.
Dr. Leslie Thompkins: You're on the run from the law. You want to attack the mayor with the help of a depraved sociopath. That's not crazy?
Oswald Cobblepot: I can hear you.
Dr. Leslie Thompkins: [Lee looks over to Penguin before looking back to Jim] Shh! Don't speak. Jim, don't do this.

[Penguin says goodbye to Miss Thompkins and Jim Gordon]
Oswald Cobblepot: Good luck, old friend. See you around.
James Gordon: I hope not. Goodbye, Penguin.
Oswald Cobblepot: Goodbye, Miss Thompkins. Please don't think too badly of me. We are who we are.
Dr. Leslie Thompkins: [Penguin shakes Lee's hand] That's true. Goodbye, Mr. Cobblepot.

[Lucius Fox questions Jim Gordon on having a backup plan to the penthouse raid]
Lucius Fox: People, surely we should have a backup strategy, given the strong possibilities of failure.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin cheerfully responds] Au Contraire, Mr. Fox. Failure is not an option!
James Gordon: What he said.
Lucius Fox: As you like.

[Jim Gordon holds a gun on Penguin, who tries to remind Gordon that Theo Galavan must die]
Oswald Cobblepot: Look forward now, Jim. What now? I will kill you to get to him if I have to. Forget that this man sicked Barbara Kean on you. Forget that he nearly killed the mother of your child. Forget revenge. Think of the greater good. Think of Gotham. He has the courts in his pocket and billions of dollars at his command. Are you 100% sure that he won't beat this and walk free again? Are you sure, Jim?
Officer On Radio: [the radio of Captain Barnes' goes off on the ground] Captain, Bravo Team in the vicinity of the penthouse.
Oswald Cobblepot: But think fast.

[Theo Galavan kneels to his knees beside the river, looking to both Jim Gordon and the Penguin]
Theo Galavan: Now, uh... Here we are. Shame. It's gonna be a beautiful morning. Goodbye, Jim Gordon.
[Galavan looks at Penguin standing over him]
Oswald Cobblepot: This is for my mother.
[Penguin holds up a bat and repeatedly swings it at Galavan]
Theo Galavan: [Galavan looks to Gordon] Kill me, please. Please.
James Gordon: Enough! That's enough.
[Gordon pulls away the laughing Penguin, pulling out his pistol, shooting it at Galavan's chest]

Oswald Cobblepot: Failure is not an option!

"Batman: The Animated Series: Birds of a Feather (#1.52)" (1993)
The Penguin: And who says opera has to be boring?

The Penguin: [to Batman] Won't you stay for a cup of cappuccino?
[holds up a can of rat poison]

[Penguin steps outside with a small case]
Bruce Wayne: [follows him] Admiring the Vreeland jewelry, Mr. Cobblepot?
The Penguin: Ah, Mr. Wayne, isn't it? Actually, I was thinking of adding this to her collection.
[reveals a gold penguin brooch]
Bruce Wayne: [surprised] I'm sorry. Maybe the rumors of your reform are *not* exaggerated.
The Penguin: Anything's possible when love is involved.

Pierce: [shackled to the floor] What is this?
The Penguin: The end of the show, when the fat bird sings!

The Penguin: 'Tis better to have loved and lost, and made a small profit, than never to have loved at all!

[last lines]
Veronica Vreeland: Oswald, I really was growing fond of you...
The Penguin: I suppose what they say is true: society is to blame. High society.

Veronica Vreeland: Oswald, if it's money you want I can get you more...
The Penguin: SHUT UP! All I wanted from you, dearie, was a little friendship! That would have cost you nothing!

Batman: Arkham Knight (2015) (VG)
Oswald Cobblepot: [after Batman destroys his last weapons cache] No! I swear to God, you'd better kill me, Batman! Otherwise I'm gonna kill you! I'M GONNA KILL-!
[Batman punches him unconscious]
Dick Grayson: You know, I was just going to suggest you do that.

[Penguin wakes up in the rear of the Batmobile, en route to the GCPD]
Oswald Cobblepot: Oh, my head... where... where am I?
Batman: Guess.
Oswald Cobblepot: No... no! Those guns, they were mine!
Batman: You can sell them for scrap, if you ever get out.
Oswald Cobblepot: Oh, you smug bastard! I might have known it was a Wayne underneath that mask. What's the matter? Bankrupting my family's business wasn't enough, you had to go and kick ten tons of crap outta people too?
Batman: Your family was corrupt, Cobblepot.
Oswald Cobblepot: Yeah, and yours are dead! Oh, what's the matter? Touched a nerve? This Caped Crusader lark doesn't really work when everybody knows who you are, does it?
Batman: Worked fine catching you.
Oswald Cobblepot: Face it, after tonight, Batman's dead in the water! You'd better find yourself a new costume, old boy. Oh, I know! How about a squirrel?
Batman: You'll see.

Oswald Cobblepot: Cocky little bastard.

Dick Grayson: [after defeating the last of Penguin's thugs] Lucius, restore power to the elevator.
[through the intercom]
Dick Grayson: Hey, boss! We're gettin' you outta here!
Oswald Cobblepot: You are? Where's Nightwing?
Dick Grayson: Oh, he's right here. We thought you'd want to say hello.
Oswald Cobblepot: Oh-ho, I do!
[the elevator doors open. Penguin swaggers out, lighting a cigar, then sees Nightwing standing there]
Oswald Cobblepot: Oh, sod off.

Batman: Your choice, Cobblepot: G.C.P.D. or the morgue.
Oswald Cobblepot: Ha. Empty threats, Batman. We all know you don't kill.
Batman: I'm not feeling myself tonight.
Oswald Cobblepot: Er, um, you'll feel better tomorrow. A good night's kip can do wonders, mate.

Edward Nigma: Ah, Cobblepot. You vicious, inelegant, tacky bully. How's that Napoleon Complex of yours, hmm?
Oswald Cobblepot: Tell me, Nigma, if you're such a smart-arse, what you doin' in here?

The Joker: Guys, guys, guys, so good to see you. I've had a devil of a time tracking you down.
Oswald Cobblepot: Tracking US down? We caught YOU.
The Joker: Oh Cobblepot, always cruel, but never cunning. Croc ol' boy, you might wanna duck.
[Jokermobile comes bursting in through the wall and crushes Croc]

"Gotham: Rise of the Villains: Scarification (#2.5)" (2015)
[first lines]
Theo Galavan: [Penguin and Theo Galavan have a meeting about who's boss] Thank you for the trunk, old friend. I'll call you when I need you.
Oswald Cobblepot: I'm glad you call me a friend.
Theo Galavan: [Galavan scoffs] Figure of speech. But do go on.
Oswald Cobblepot: I can't help feeling... wouldn't I be so much more useful to you as a friend? As a colleague, as an ally?
Theo Galavan: As opposed to the tool you are at present. Good question. No.
Oswald Cobblepot: I would be a much more effective tool for you if I wasn't so worried about my mother. If you let her come home I would still do your bidding. Trust me, I know who's boss now.
Butch Gilzean: [Penguin chuckles before snapping his finger for Butch to agree] Yes, sir, we all know who's boss.

[Tabitha Galavan pays a visit to the Penguin who's beginning to go paranoid]
Tabitha Galavan: Why so glum?
Oswald Cobblepot: I just lost a lot of money.
Tabitha Galavan: Aww. Poor sad little bread head.
Oswald Cobblepot: The money is immaterial. Someone must have betrayed me. Someone close.
Butch Gilzean: You don't know that, boss.
Oswald Cobblepot: Oh, don't I? Don't I!
Tabitha Galavan: Whoa, chill, birdman.

[Penguin seeks answers about the mysterious Wayne knife from the antique owner, Edwige]
Edwige: Sorry. I can't help you.
Oswald Cobblepot: Edwige, I can see that you know this knife. You're scared of this knife. Why? Why are you lying to me?
Edwige: I'm not.
Oswald Cobblepot: Madam, if there's one thing I know, it's a liar. Now, tell me about this knife, or I will use it.

[Penguin gets answers from Edwige about the history of the Wayne family]
Edwige: This knife has a cursed history. Almost 200 years ago, it was used in a terrible crime. Back then... five families ruled Gotham high society.
Edwige: [we see the flashback of the terrible crime] The Elliots, the Kanes, the Crownes, the Dumas... and the most powerful of them all - The Waynes. They called Celestine Wayne, the crown jewel of Gotham. A real beauty. She was promised to the eldest son of the Elliot family. But there was another who coveted her. Caleb Dumas. One night... it was during an Easter party at the Wayne Manor... Celestine and Caleb went missing. Wayne men found them together in an illicit embrace. Caleb insisted that they were in love... Celestine swore on her mother's grave, that Caleb had forced himself on her. Justice, if that's what it was, was swift. Celestine's brother Jonathan Wayne delivered the punishment. The Waynes... they were mad with rage. They seized the Dumas holdings and banished them socially, destroyed them. Caleb Dumas went into exile overseas, to a penitential religious sect founded by his family's patron saint.
Edwige: Celestine died an old maid. The Waynes forbade the press from even mentioning the Dumas. They renamed streets and building. The remnants of the Dumas family were forced to change their name. The Waynes wiped the Dumas out of our city's history.
Oswald Cobblepot: Those remnants of the Dumas family... to what did they change their name?
Edwige: Aren't you quick? Galavan. They changed their name to Galavan. Just like that fella runnin' for mayor. And that's why I'm scared of this knife.

[Edwige warns Penguin of his position with knowing the truth about the Waynes and Galavan's]
Edwige: You're in deep waters, Mr. Penguin.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin chuckles] Thank you, Edwige. That is where penguins thrive.
[Edwige gives Penguin a respectful bow]

[Butch Gilzean discusses with Penguin about the future plans for Theo Galavan]
Oswald Cobblepot: [Butch takes a drink under Penguin's orders] Your conditioning is still working nicely, hmm? You can't refuse me. You're the only man I can truly trust right now.
Butch Gilzean: You're starting to sound a little paranoid, boss.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin chuckles before screaming back at Butch] Am I? Am I going mad? Mm, how can I not when that fiend has my mother in his clutches. Have another drink, Butch.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Butch pours and takes another drink] Maybe I am going mad. Or maybe I found Galavan's weakness.
Butch Gilzean: You did?
Oswald Cobblepot: The knife, Butch. The knife that maimed his ancestors. This is a blood feud for Galavan. He wants revenge against the Waynes. He's acting out of emotion. And that can be manipulated. Have another drink.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Butch pours and takes another drink] You are going to go to Galavan and you are going to tell him I went nuts, and that I accused you of setting up the count shop raid. You are in fear for your life, and you need a job, got that?
Butch Gilzean: Yes, boss.
Oswald Cobblepot: Once you're inside his organization, you will find my mother and rescue her.
Butch Gilzean: Yes, boss. But... Galavan's a smart guy, and that's a basic play. No way is he going to buy I turned traitor.
Oswald Cobblepot: No... but he will buy that I think you turned traitor. He'll buy it... if you sell it right. Drink up.
Butch Gilzean: [Butch takes another drink] How do we sell it?
Oswald Cobblepot: I already sold him my paranoia. But you are the closer. How do we sell you? How do we make him trust and feel for you? I wasn't sure. But then Celestine and Caleb told me how.
Butch Gilzean: How?
[Penguin quickly holds Butch's hand down, pulling out a meat cleaver, chopping Butch's hand off as Butch lets out a high-pitched scream]

"Gotham: Wrath of the Villains: Mad Grey Dawn (#2.15)" (2016)
[Tabitha Galavan tries to threaten Oswald Cobblepot]
Tabitha Galavan: I was thinking about visiting your mother's grave.
Oswald Cobblepot: Oh?
Tabitha Galavan: Mm. I miss the old bird. Her sobs would often lull me to sleep at night.
Tabitha Galavan: [Tabitha quotes Gertrude with a German accent] 'Oswald... Oswald. Save me.'
Oswald Cobblepot: [Oswald laughs] That does sound like her.

[Oswald Cobblepot pays a visit to Edward Nygma after his release from Arkham Asylum]
Oswald Cobblepot: I'm here to tell you, Ed, as a friend, violence and anger are not the answer. I am a changed man. Better. And you can change, too.
Edward Nygma: [Ed smiles] Cool. Tempting offer. The thing is... the me I am right now is kind of hitting my stride.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Oswald smiles] Oh.
Edward Nygma: And I'm really grateful for all that you've taught me, and all that bad stuff you told me about Jim Gordon is really paying off.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Ed laughs] Is it?
Edward Nygma: It is. It's helped me create the perfect puzzle to get rid of my Jim Gordon dilemma. Normally, I would love to share, but to be honest, the new you is kind of freaking me out.

[Oswald Cobblepot stands over his mother's grave]
Oswald Cobblepot: Hello, Mother.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Oswald sobs] What a lovely spot.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Oswald sniffles] I'm so sorry I couldn't be here for the funeral. But I think you'd be proud of me. I'm a changed man. Or... at least, I'm trying to be. To be honest, I don't know if I'm gonna make it without you.
Elijah Van Dahl: Hello?

[Oswald Cobblepot meets his father Elijah Van Dahl for the first time]
Elijah Van Dahl: You're Gertrude's son?
Oswald Cobblepot: Yes. Um, I'm sorry. How did you know my mother exactly...
Elijah Van Dahl: How old are you?
Oswald Cobblepot: Excuse me?
Elijah Van Dahl: How old are you? Gertrude left...
Oswald Cobblepot: I'm 31.
Elijah Van Dahl: 31 years ago, yes. That's right. Oh, my God, she... she never told me!
Oswald Cobblepot: Told you what?
Elijah Van Dahl: That I had a son.

[Elijah Van Dahl tells Oswald Cobblepot about his mother]
Elijah Van Dahl: Gertrude came to work as a cook for my parents. She was so young and beautiful. So full of life. So beautiful. I was young then, too. A boy, really. A foolish, romantic boy. When my parents found out, they forbade us from being together. I was the heir to a great fortune, they said. And she was just a cook. I threatened to run away with her. Turn my back on my family name and my inheritance. It was the first and only time I ever stood up to them. They must've known my words were just that. A spoiled child making idle threats. The next day, Gertrude was gone. My parents told me only then they had come to an arrangement. She would be taken care of. And I must never make an attempt to find her. And to my shame, I didn't. I let them separate us. I had no idea. She never told me she was pregnant. She didn't tell me about you. If she did...
Oswald Cobblepot: She told me that my father had died when I was still a baby.
Elijah Van Dahl: Easier than the truth, I suppose. That your father was a coward who wouldn't stand up to his parents. She must've figured that the two of you would've been better off making your own way. Which, in fact, was probably the truth. Look at you. A strong young man. She did a good job, didn't she?
Oswald Cobblepot: [Oswald smiles] She tried.

[Elijah Van Dahl welcomes Oswald Cobblepot to his new home]
Elijah Van Dahl: You have a home. And a father. And a family.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Oswald chuckles] 'A family'?
Elijah Van Dahl: A big, happy family. They're going to be so thrilled to meet you!
Oswald Cobblepot: [Oswald laughs] Sir, please? Tell me truthfully. Is this a dream?
Elijah Van Dahl: Not a dream, my boy. You're home.

"Batman: The Animated Series: Almost Got 'im (#1.35)" (1992)
Two-Face: Poison Ivy.
Poison Ivy: It's been a long time, Harvey. You're still looking around halfway decent.
Two-Face: Half of me wants to strangle ya.
Poison Ivy: And what does the other half want?
Two-Face: To hit ya with a truck.
Poison Ivy: We used to date.
The Joker, The Penguin, Killer Croc: Ah.

The Penguin: So, I hear You-Know-Who nailed The Mad Hatter last week...
The Joker: No kidding! He sure gets around for one guy.
Two-Face: Yeah, well, that's where you're wrong. I don't think it is one guy.
Killer Croc: Huh?
Two-Face: The way I figure it, Gordon's got a bunch of them stashed someplace, like a S.W.A.T. team. He wants you to think it's one guy, but...
The Joker: Ah, you're always seeing double.
The Penguin: It's obvious our caped friend suffered some crime-related trauma when he was younger. Perhaps an over-anxious mugger blew off a piece of his face.
The Joker: Sure, he could be all gross and disgusting under that mask!
[Dent, who was adding cream to his coffee, crushes the carton]
The Joker: Uh, no offense, Harv.
Two-Face: Just deal...
Killer Croc: Well, you know what I think?
The Joker: Not the robot theory again...
Killer Croc: Well, he could be.

[the Penguin lures and traps Batman in a bird conservatory]
The Penguin: Greetings, Batman! You have taken the bait, as I knew you would. Now, prepare to meet your end, within my Aviary of Doom!
Poison Ivy: [interrupting] Aviary of WHAT?
The Joker: Yeesh, Pengers! How corny can you get?
The Penguin: Fah! Just because you mundane miscreants have no drama in your souls! Anyway, there he was in my av... uh, big birdhouse...

Killer Croc: You'd think one of us would've got 'im by now...
The Penguin: I've come the closest.
Poison Ivy: Are you kidding? I was the one who nearly...
Two-Face: [pounds the table] Nobody's come closer to stopping the Batman than ME!
[a squabble breaks out, which the Joker ends with a whistle]
The Joker: The fact is each of us has their own "almost got 'im" story to tell...

[the Joker wins the poker game]
Poison Ivy: Awww...
Two-Face: No way!
Killer Croc: Forget this!
The Penguin: Let me see those cards!

[first lines]
[a poker game starts at the Stacked Deck Club]
The Joker: I want a nice, clean game, gentlemen.
The Penguin: That'll be a first...

"Gotham: Penguin's Umbrella (#1.7)" (2014)
Oswald Cobblepot: Why do they want me back so badly?
Sal Maroni: I know why. Because they know I got a stone moneymaker here. A golden goose. They know it, and they don't want us to have him. Right, Penguin?
Oswald Cobblepot: Honk, honk.
Sal Maroni: What?
Oswald Cobblepot: Honk, honk. It's what geese say.
Sal Maroni: Oh, right, right. Honk, honk.
Frankie Carbone: So, fine, we got a goose.

Oswald Cobblepot: Told you. Easy as pie. There must be a million dollars worth here.
Frankie Carbone: Yeah, you told us, all right. You're clever. You're very clever.
Oswald Cobblepot: I sense a sarcastic and hostile edge to your tone.
Frankie Carbone: Hostile?
[punches Oswald in his stomach]
Frankie Carbone: You got that right. You ain't no golden goose, you're a yellow rat snitch, and you got Maroni all twisted.
Oswald Cobblepot: I'm glad we're finally clearing the air at least.
Frankie Carbone: [grabs him] That's it. Act smart, okay? 'Cause all I got to do right now is put a bullet right here. Bang. See, then I go back and tell the boss that one of Niko's men shot you. Gee, that's too bad. End of story.

Oswald Cobblepot: Yeah, that's clever enough. I never doubted your intelligence. That's not your problem.
Frankie Carbone: Oh, I got a problem, huh? I got a problem. No, you got a problem. What's my problem, schmo?
Oswald Cobblepot: What drives you? What's your passion? When you know what a man loves, you know what can kill him.
Frankie Carbone: Do you believe this guy?
Oswald Cobblepot: For you, it's money. You love money. More than power or respect. You're a skinflint, Mr. Carbone. A cheapskate.

[stabs Carbone]
Oswald Cobblepot: The simple act of a substantial pay rise is all it took to sway these men, your greatest passion became your greatest weakness, love, love conquers all

Oswald Cobblepot: Mr. Falcone, indeed I have a secret of great value. I have one request: give the job of killing me to James Gordon.
Carmine Falcone: Why him?
Oswald Cobblepot: He's the only man under your sway with a conscience. He can be persuaded to spare me.
Carmine Falcone: Why would I agree to that? I want you dead, you're a snitch.
Oswald Cobblepot: Because I will be your snitch for life. I will snitch my way into the Maroni family. I have a gift for this, I'm excellent at this kind of thing.
Carmine Falcone: If the job of killing you goes to James Gordon, what is the valuable secret?
Oswald Cobblepot: Fish Mooney and Nikolai the Russian only pretend to hate each other. They're lovers. She's pushing him to take your place so she can take over from him.
Carmine Falcone: Hmm... that *is* a valuable secret.

"Batman: Hizzonner the Penguin (#2.17)" (1966)
The Penguin: Foul play in our fair city!
Policeman: That crooked quack is up to no good.
The Penguin: Citizen Penguin to the rescue!

Lulu: Gee, I wish I was old enough to vote for you, Mr. Penguin.
The Penguin: Don't worry, little one, you'll get your chance on my fourth term.
[laughter all round]

The Penguin: So, old pointy ears has thrown his cowl into the ring, huh? Good! Once and for all I'll settle matters with that masked moron.

[Organizing his election]
Penguin: Plenty of girls and bands and slogans and lots of hoopla, but remember, no politics. Issues confuse people.

The Penguin: Politics is wonderful! I can use all my lowest, slurpiest tricks, but now they're legal! I should have been a politician years ago!

"Gotham: Rise of the Villains: Strike Force (#2.4)" (2015)
[Oswald Cobblepot meets Theo Galavan]
Theo Galavan: Mr. Cobblepot. Finally we meet.
Oswald Cobblepot: Call me Penguin.
Theo Galavan: I thought I heard you hated that name.
Oswald Cobblepot: It grew on me.
Theo Galavan: Penguin, it is.

[first lines]
Oswald Cobblepot: [Oswald Cobblepot fires a shotgun into the air over a dinner table of criminal guests] Gentleman! Ladies! Others! Let us discuss the future with a little civility, shall we? So... not one of you knows who orchestrated and/or executed the Arkham breakout. I find that hard to believe. I mean, the cops' only lead is an old blind man, for God's sakes. A blind man! Then who here is to be trusted. Because someone knows.
Gang Leader: Uh... we thought it was you.
Oswald Cobblepot: Why would I do that? We never had it better. I gave you all of the freedom in the world and business boomed. For all of us. A new generation. Then that ginger maniac had to spoil everything. Even now he's dead, public is still terrified, business is in the can and what do we do? Fighting among ourselves. Is this how any of us want to live? Squabbling, brawling, running, hiding? This city belongs to us now. But kids, that brings responsibilities. We need to restore confidence in our brand, if you will. We need discipline and unity, yes? There will be no more chaos. No more gang wars. No more blood in the streets, scaring decent folk. From now on, if you want to kill someone, blackmail, steal, or kidnap anyone, I need to hear about it first. Understand?

[Oswald Cobblepot and Theo Galavan discuss the past of Gotham]
Tabitha Galavan: You're not 'The King of Gotham'. You're 'The King of Garbage'.
Oswald Cobblepot: A year ago, I held Fish Mooney's umbrella. Now she's dead by my hand. Along with Maroni. Falcone is in hiding, and all of their businesses are mine. They all underestimated me. I suggest you not make the same mistake.
Theo Galavan: My sister is too blunt. But she is honest. The foundations of this great city were laid 200 years ago, by some very dedicated people. Now it's an old crumbling pigsty, fill of with human waste. It's time to move into the future. A clearner, brighter... future.

[Oswald Cobblepot and Theo Galavan discuss the future of Gotham]
Theo Galavan: Here's the rub: in order to rebuild, I first need to destroy, but I can't do that. I mean, watch the news, I'm a hero. But you have a certain flare for such a task. You, Penguin... you will be my destroyer.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin chuckles] Truly, I'm flattered. Thank you so much for thinking of me, but... my dear sir, you have me all wrong. I have no flair for destruction. I'm a builder, a problem solver. Besides, such a huge project would need the support of hundred of city officials.
Theo Galavan: Yes, only the highest authority could see it through correctly. Say, a Mayor with a landslide mandate.
Oswald Cobblepot: But you're not a candidate.
Theo Galavan: Or I will be. By popular demand. Alas, some of my fellow candidates actually stand a chance at winning. So they'll have to go.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin scoffs] Go?
Theo Galavan: And I'm gonna need you to take a crack at me also. And miss, of course. Don't want anyone to think... I had anything to do with my fellow candidates' demise.
Oswald Cobblepot: That's smart thinking. However, will all due respect, Mr. Galavan, I'm not your man. You need an assassin. This is Gotham, you can find them in the phone book. Under 'A'.

[last lines]
[Penguin stares into the fireplace wondering where Theo Galavan is keeping his kidnapped mother]
Oswald Cobblepot: Did you find her?
[Butch taps Penguin on the shoulder, when Penguin yells and screams at the fire, throwing his drink into the fire]

Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman (2003) (V)
Penguin: Batman, Batgirl, Batwoman. What is it about this city? The water?

Penguin: And Mr. Wayne. It's been quite a while, hasn't it?
Bruce Wayne: Yes, I believe the last time is when you stole plutonium from one of my labs and threatened to blow up the city.
Penguin: Oh, oh yes. My more rambunctious days.

Rupert Thorne: You're out, Duquesne.
Carlton Duquesne: Should have never got mixed up with garbage like you.
Penguin: Well, that'll give you and that brat something to talk about in family therapy.

Rupert Thorne: The ship's going down, Penguin.
Penguin: Our only consolation is that it will take a few bats with it.

Penguin: [is bonded by Batwoman's straps to his chair] They're constricting!
Batwoman: They'll slice a penguin like a turkey unless you tell me who your new partner is.

"Gotham: The Scarecrow (#1.15)" (2015)
Oswald Cobblepot: Can I help you?
Edward Nygma: I don't think so. Can you?
Oswald Cobblepot: What do you want?
Edward Nygma: What I want, the poor have, the rich need, and if you eat it you'll die.
Oswald Cobblepot: Is this... Are you asking me a riddle?
Edward Nygma: Do you like riddles?
Oswald Cobblepot: No.
Edward Nygma: So do you give up?
Oswald Cobblepot: Friend, lookit...
Edward Nygma: Nothing. The answer's nothing. The poor have it, the rich need it, and if you eat it you'll die.

Oswald Cobblepot: Who are you?
Edward Nygma: Edward. Nygma. I know who you are.
Oswald Cobblepot: Then you know that you're standing too close.
Edward Nygma: Did you know that male emperor penguins keep their eggs warm by balancing them on their feet? Isn't that neat?
Oswald Cobblepot: Nice to meet you, sir. Keep moving.
Edward Nygma: Will do.

Oswald Cobblepot: Don Maroni. It's such a pleasure to see you.
Sal Maroni: Look at you. From the trunk of my car to running your own club.

Oswald Cobblepot: Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.

Oswald Cobblepot: "Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."

"Gotham: Mad City: Burn the Witch (#3.2)" (2016)
[Penguin tells the citizens of Gotham to kill the monsters]
Oswald Cobblepot: For months, I warned the police about the threat to our city posed by Hugo Strange's freaks, by the murderer Fish Mooney, and how did they protect you? They said that Fish Mooney wasn't real. That these escapees were victims who need our help. Well, Fish Mooney was real. And once she was cornered by the GCPD, finally, they let her escape. And these 'victims'... Well, I, for one, am not afraid to call them by their proper name: monsters!
Oswald Cobblepot: [the crowd cheers] Our city is being invaded by monsters, attacking our brothers and sisters, and it is up to us! To you! To kill every monster you see! Who is with me?
[the crowd cheers as Penguin holds his fist into the air]

[Penguin receives a phone call from Jim Gordon]
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin smiles] Jim, you just keep surprising me.
James Gordon: [Gordon on the other end] Shut up.

[Captain Barnes tells Penguin and the other citizens of Gotham to leave the mansion]
Captain Nathaniel Barnes: Cobblepot, get this crowd to disperse, or I'll make them disperse. And there will be bloodshed.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin shouts with an evil grin] Promise?

[Penguin corners Fish Mooney and Hugo Strange in the woods with a gun]
Fish Mooney: So this is it? I spare your life, and you shoot me dead in the woods like an animal?
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin smiles] Pretty much, yes.

[Penguin demands for Fish Mooney to tell him why she didn't kill him]
Oswald Cobblepot: Why didn't you kill me? I have gone over that night 1,000 times, and it doesn't make any sense. Why didn't you kill me? I would've killed you in an instant. Answer me!
Fish Mooney: Because you're mine. You were my umbrella boy, remember? You rubbed my feet when they were tired. And now look at you, the terror of Gotham. Everything I've done in my life, possibly the best thing was turning Oswald Cobblepot into... the Penguin. I couldn't destroy that.
Fish Mooney: [Fish looks to Hugo Strange] Ask him. He understands what it is to bring something into being. It is a part of you. Forever.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin lowers his gun with tears in his eyes] Good-bye, Fish. Don't come back.

"Batman: Penguin Is a Girl's Best Friend (#2.42)" (1967)
The Penguin: [the Penguin and his henchmen appear to br robbing an armoured car as Batman and Robin make their approach ] What are you buttinskies doing here?
Batman: Just a little scholary research, Penguin.
The Penguin: [Batman and Robin begin fighting the Penguin's henchmen] Stop! Stop this outrageous intrusion!
The Penguin: [the fighting continues] Cease I say! Cease and desist!
The Penguin: [Batman and Robin finish fighting the henchmen] Stop, you bumbling buffoons! This is legal, I tell you! It's legal!
Batman: Have you heard anything about legalized thievery, Robin?
Robin: Can't say that I have, Batman.
The Penguin: I'll wipe those silly smirks off your faces in court! I'll sue you for assault and battery, and aggravated interference!
Batman: You're witnessing the final disintegration of the criminal brain, Robin. Years of outlawry has taken it's inevitable toll.
Robin: But he's right about our being in court, Batman.
[to the Penguin]
Robin: We'll be the prosecution's star witnesses when they try you for armed robbery!

The Penguin: [hits a button on his phone] Prop Department?
Set Department: No, Mister Penguin. This is the Set Department.
The Penguin: [hits another button] Prop Department?
Publicity: Sorry, Mister Penguin. This is Publicity.
The Penguin: [hits another button] Prop Department?
[hits another]
The Penguin: Prop Department?
Prop Department: Yes, Mister Penguin?
The Penguin: I forgot what I wanted you for.

Marsha, Queen of Diamonds: Does Batman have a love scene with the leading lady in your film?
The Penguin: [laughs] Of course. Who ever heard about a film without a love scene?
Marsha, Queen of Diamonds: Then I shall be your leading lady. Or no diamonds.

Marsha, Queen of Diamonds: Skip the compliments, darling. You wouldn't have asked me here if you didn't want something.
The Penguin: Yes, I do want something. I want to make you a millionairess.
Marsha, Queen of Diamonds: How boring, I'm already a millionairess.
The Penguin: Heh heh heh! True. And how would you like to be a billionairess?
Marsha, Queen of Diamonds: [perks up] That's interesting.

"Batman: Not Yet, He Ain't (#1.22)" (1966)
The Penguin: Now lets toss the costumes corpses over the pier. To the sharks with them.
[walks around the shooting stand to find Batman & Robin gone]
The Penguin: Great blubbering whale oil! They've evaporated!

The Penguin: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest fink of all?

Chief O'Hara: You greedy bird! Have you no conscience?
Commissioner Gordon: Great Scot, Penguin, this woman loves you, she's still willing to marry you.
The Penguin: Who, me? The Penguin married and kept in a bathtub?
Sophia Starr: I do love you, Pengy, I'd try so hard to reform you.
The Penguin: Great quivering icebergs! Take me to prison!
[waddles out]

The Penguin: Thundering feathers!

"Batman: Penguin's Clean Sweep (#3.20)" (1968)
The Penguin: [watching Batgirl arrive on her Batcycle] Trash of another color on the horizon: Bat-trash!
Batgirl: Consider your collecting career over, Penguin!

The Penguin: Now, we're the only people in Gotham City protected against the Lygerian sleeping sickness.
Robin: [Batman and Robin burst in] You're not protected against a good right jab, you slimey bird!
Batman: It's beddy-bye for you, Penguin.
The Penguin: Nobody catches the Penguin sleeping, Dynamic Dreamers!

The Penguin: [on phone] Hello, World League of Nations? I'd like to buy a country. What have you got?
[listenes for a moment]
The Penguin: No! I don't want that one, I'm allergic to Vodka.

The Penguin: [stepping over the Dynamic crusaders and several police officers, who are lying asleep on the pavement] The flies really did their work. They're all sleeping like babies. Even this mutton-headed Police Chief. Of course he looks like he's sleeping even when he's awake.
[Penguin's Finks all laugh]
The Penguin: What have we got here? Aaah, a watch. This is no more than I deserve. Very fine watch.
Chief O'Hara: [Chief O'Hara gets up off the ground, followed by all the other 'sleepers'] You won't be needin' a watch where you're goin'.
The Penguin: What?
Chief O'Hara: You'll need a calender. A twenty year calender.

"Batman: The Animated Series: I've Got Batman in My Basement (#1.20)" (1992)
Batman: [after rescuing some nosy kids] Get out, now!
The Penguin: [emerges from debris] You should've taken your own advice.
[Shoots him]

The Penguin: Scrap, my faithful pet. Ready for a ripe repast?
[Penguin feeds Scrap a chunk of meat]
Jay: [Shudders] That bald buzzard gives me the willies.
The Penguin: If it weren't for Scrap, you two would be feathering your nest at Stonegate Penitentiary. Now, where is it?
[Jay reveals the Vonalster Fabergé Egg, handing it to Penguin]
The Penguin: Oh, how much more doth beauty beauteous seem by this sweet egg, which we have scrambled for?

The Penguin: [to his thugs] Gentlemen - and I use the term loosely - after you...

The Penguin: I'll clip your wings, you flying rodent!

"Batman: Dizzoner the Penguin (#2.18)" (1966)
The Penguin: Now, which man do you want to run Gotham City? A man like myself who is always in the company of the law, or a man like Batman who rubs elbows with the worst elements of this city and who is undoubtedly a desperate criminal himself?

The Penguin: [on phone] Hello Commissioner? This is the next mayor of Gotham City speaking.
Commissioner Gordon: [on other line] What? Who is this?
The Penguin: No, I just want to tell you you're not to worry about your job. See, I'm appointing the Riddler new Commissioner of police, and he's promised to give you back your old job.
Commissioner Gordon: Why you, pompous...
The Penguin: Why that's pounding the beat on the waterfront.

The Penguin: [on phone with Commissioner Gordon] And you tell that Irish stooge of yours that his next job will be shining the shoes of the new police chief:
The Penguin: the Joker!
Commissioner Gordon: [hangs up in disgust] The terrible thing is, in a few short hours, that mangy bird may be my boss...

The Penguin: Tut-tut, Wonder Midget!

"Gotham: Wrath of the Villains: This Ball of Mud and Meanness (#2.14)" (2016)
[Hugo Strange questions Penguin back-and-forth during one of their therapy sessions]
Hugo Strange: Blood.
Oswald Cobblepot: Life.
Hugo Strange: Throat.
Oswald Cobblepot: Song.
Hugo Strange: Cat.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin smiles] Kitten.
Hugo Strange: Mother.
Oswald Cobblepot: Hug.
Hugo Strange: Crime.
Oswald Cobblepot: Punishment.
Hugo Strange: Revenge.
Oswald Cobblepot: Remorse.
Hugo Strange: [Hugo smiles] Ah, remorse. Let's talk about that.

[Hugo Strange tells the Penguin they have a few more therapy sessions together before he's cured]
Hugo Strange: Just a few more therapy sessions and you'll be right as rain.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin stammers] More therapy?
Hugo Strange: [Hugo's voice echoes in Penguin's mind] Oh, just a little. I know there's a discomfort factor, but after all, tis making you better. Yes? Oh, you do want to get better... don't you?
Oswald Cobblepot: Yes, Professor Strange.
Hugo Strange: [Hugo laughs, echoing] Oswald, please. Call me Hugo.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin nervously smiles] Yes, Hugo.

[Hugo Strange tells Oswald Cobblepot he's free to leave Arkham Asylum]
Hugo Strange: You are a sane, gentle, good man. And good things happen to good people.
Oswald Cobblepot: They do? I've never heard that before.
Hugo Strange: A true thing. Trust me.

"Batman: The Penguin's a Jinx (#1.4)" (1966)
The Penguin: [after hearing an explosion] What was that?
Hawkeye: It sounded like a Bat-zooka!

The Penguin: Well, good for you. The Dynamic Duo. Their faces completely covered with Penguin egg.

The Penguin: Who says penguins can't fly?

"Batman: The Animated Series: The Mechanic (#1.48)" (1993)
The Penguin: Then we're going to pull a switch... on a switch.

Rundle: Um, excuse me? Where will this take me?
The Penguin: On a sea cruise.

The Penguin: I wanted the rare ones. The reverse audobon! These aren't even worth enough to pay for the repairs to the limousine. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't have Percival here peck out your eyes.

"The Batman: Call of the Cobblepot (#1.2)" (2004)
The Penguin: Just one question, Batman: How'd you find me?
Batman: You left a trail of breadcrumbs, Cobblepot.
The Penguin: Please! Now that all pretenses are off, call me Penguin, a flightless bird, but one with style!

The Penguin: Bruce Wayne! King of the castle, ruler of the roost.
Bruce Wayne: Have we met?
The Penguin: Cobblepot. Oswald Cobblepot.

The Penguin: I'm gonna restore the Cobblepot name to its former wealth and glory!

"Gotham: Rise of the Villains: Damned If You Do... (#2.1)" (2015)
[Officer Gordon pays a visit to the Penguin while seeing Selina Kyle by his side]
James Gordon: Hey, Selina. Moving on up, huh?
Selina Kyle: Tryin'.
Oswald Cobblepot: Isn't she darling? It's like having a cat around the house. But no horrid dead mice.

Oswald Cobblepot: You want Loeb fired, and your old job back, no?
James Gordon: Yes.
Oswald Cobblepot: For a good friend like you, it can be done. If you're sure that's what you want.
James Gordon: I'm sure.
Oswald Cobblepot: May I ask why? Police work in Gotham is such a thankless job.
James Gordon: Good pension.

Oswald Cobblepot: [intimating Commissioner Loeb in his dark kitchen] With most people there's no problem. I find their weak spots and use violence or blackmail to persuade them. But you, you are a man of monkish virtue. You have no vices to expose. So threats of personal violence will only harden your resolve, huh?

"Batman: Enter Batgirl, Exit Penguin (#3.1)" (1967)
The Penguin: You're about to witness the coup of the century. The world's leading arch-criminal becomes the son-in-law of a police commissioner.
The Penguin: I don't know whether to call him 'daddy' or just 'commish'.
Batman: [the Dynamic Duo have climbed in through the window without a sound] If I were you, Penguin, I'd call 'help', right now.
Robin: When we get through with you, Penguin, you'll be hollering 'uncle' instead of 'daddy'!

The Penguin: Well, Dynamic Dupes, how does it feel to be a couple of human teabags?
Batman: Steaming us to death will do you no good, Penguin, the law will get you in the end.

Penguin: [singing] Here comes the bride, all bagged and tied!

Batman: Arkham Origins (2013) (VG)
Bruce Wayne: Black Mask put a bounty on my head. Where is he?
Oswald Cobblepot: I don't keep tabs on ever geezer with a grudge. You're not a popular bloke in this town.

Oswald Cobblepot: Now, you best listen, Falcone, because this is the LAST time I'll ask. What are you going to tell your father?
Alberto Falcone: That we're gettin' out of the weapons business! I promise - I'll make him do it!
Oswald Cobblepot: I can 'ear your mouth flapping, Bertie! But the sound coming out isn't the sound I wanna 'ear!

Oswald Cobblepot: You'll have more luck getting into a nun's skivvies than you will gettin' into this room. Go on, then, push it a bit harder. Really make me feel it.

The Batman vs. Dracula (2005) (V)
The Penguin: [getting arrested] It was vampires, I tell ya! Vampires! With big honkin' fangs!

The Joker: Joker's back from the grave!
The Penguin: Yeah, a lot of that going around.

The Penguin: Agh! Dead guys don't do that.
Dracula: Not dead... UN-dead.
The Penguin: I think I need to UN-wet my pants.

"Gotham: Arkham (#1.4)" (2014)
[first lines]
Barbara Kean: [answering a knock at their door] Jim...
Oswald Cobblepot: Hello, James, old friend... You must be Barbara.
Barbara Kean: Yes, please come in...
Oswald Cobblepot: James, hi. I'm Peter. Peter Humboldt. Heh. Lovely to meet you at last. You're even more beautiful than I imagined.
Barbara Kean: Shush. Nice to meet you, Peter. I never meet Jim's friends. He never tells me anything.
Oswald Cobblepot: Men...
Barbara Kean: Don't I know it.

James Gordon: I should have killed you. I should put a bullet in your head right now.
Oswald Cobblepot: And you would have every right to do so. But you won't, Jim Gordon. You're a good man. You may very well be the last good man in Gotham.

James Gordon: This war... what are you talking about? Why will there be a war?
Oswald Cobblepot: Uh, as you know, war is just politics by other means. And isn't politics just money? Talking?
James Gordon: Talking about what?
Oswald Cobblepot: [chuckles] Arkham, of course.

"Batman: The Bird's Last Jest (#2.28)" (1966)
The Penguin: Ladies and gentlemen, friends of The Penguin's Nest. I regret to announce the outbreak of a sudden epidemic: Moldavian food poisoning. I suggest while you can, to run for your lives to your favorite family physician.

The Penguin: Mr. Blue! I want you to prepare fifty pounds of pie-crust. We are going to make a gigantic butler pie!

The Penguin: [the Penguin has been trying to rendevous with Ballpoint Baxter, a notorious forger. He thinks he's about to be sent to prison to meet Baxter, but Chief O'Hara brings Baxter into Commissioner Garden's office] Ballpoint! Ballpoint Baxter!
Bruce Wayne: That's right, Mister Penguin. I've just secured him a parole.
Dick Grayson: Mr. Baxter is going to teach penmanship in one of the Wayne Foundation camps for underprivileged children.
The Penguin: Oh, no! No! What about the underprivileged criminals?

"Gotham: Rise of the Villains: Mommy's Little Monster (#2.7)" (2015)
[first lines]
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin and his crew arrive at the location Butch says Penguin's mother is being held captive] You sure this is it?
Butch Gilzean: I'm sure, boss.
Oswald Cobblepot: Once my mother is safe, we go after Galavan and his sister. They're gonna pay for what they've done.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin screams entering into the building] Mother! Mother.

[Penguin talks to his mother, Gertrude Kapelput, for the last time]
Oswald Cobblepot: [Tabitha Galavan releases Gertrude from her cage, as Penguin and Gertrude hug each other] I told you everything would be okay. Didn't I? And it will be.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Gertrude suddenly gets quiet as Penguin see's that Tabitha stabbed her in her back] No! No!
Gertrude Kapelput: [Penguin cries as he holds onto his mother] Oswald? What is wrong? You look so sad.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin lowers his mother to the floor, not letting her go] Nothing is wrong, mother. Nothing at all. We're together now. That's all that matters. That's all that ever mattered, right?
Gertrude Kapelput: Ever since... you were a little baby. My little Cobblepot.
Oswald Cobblepot: I'm sorry. This is my fault. Please forgive me. I'm so sorry.
Gertrude Kapelput: For what? You were always such a good boy.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Gertrude's expression dies as she passes away] No, no.
[Penguin kisses his mother's lifeless body on the cheek]

[Penguin threatens Theo Galavan to kill him]
Theo Galavan: Kill him. Dump the bodies... anywhere.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Theo begins to walk off as Prnguin growls with rage] You don't have the stomach to kill me yourself? No wonder why your family was run out of town. You come from a long line of cowards!
Theo Galavan: [Theo scoffs and walks up to Penguin] Fine, fine.
Theo Galavan: [Theo cocks a pistol, aiming it down as he asks Penguin] Any last words?
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin quietly growls] Yes. I'm going to kill you.
[Penguin slices Theo Galavan's neck with a knife before running to jump out of the building window]

"CollegeHumor Originals: Batman vs the Penguin" (2013)
Commissioner Gordon: Batman, you have to know what dea-I mean, your parents were shot and killed.
Batman: My parents were shot, yes, but they're alive. On a special farm.
Penguin: Oh, boy.
Commissioner Gordon: They're on a farm?
Batman: They're on a special happy farm, where they make buttermilk. They romp and play. There's a hammock made of dreams.
Penguin: I-I can't even...
Batman: They write me emails.

Penguin: Batman, what do you have on your wrists?
Batman: I'm not wearing hockey pads!

Batman: My fish. He went to sleep and we flushed him down the toilet. He's in the ocean right now. He's alive.
Penguin: No, he's dead.
Batman: Doctor Fishy! No!
Commissioner Gordon: You see Batman, what you did to Doctor Fishy is what you've done to these men.
Batman: I overfed these men?

"Gotham: Wrath of the Villains: Unleashed (#2.20)" (2016)
[Butch Gilzean talks to the sleeping Tabitha Galavan in her hospital bed]
Butch Gilzean: How am I supposed to keep people in line now, huh? I don't think I can do this without you. You're one of the only people in the world who looks at me in the eye when they talk to me. You know that? You laugh at my jokes. You actually like the way I look. I didn't think I'd ever feel like this again.
Butch Gilzean: [Butch whispers lower as he cries] I guess what I'm trying to say is...
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin speaks from behind Butch] Well, don't stop now. I was just getting misty.

[Penguin tells Butch Gilzean that Theo Galavan must die]
Oswald Cobblepot: Galavan! See, I will not buy this whole uber-villain nonsense. I mean, if he wanted to wear leather, he should just wear leather. This is Gotham City. No one cares, right? We have all suffered by his hands. Me, you, my mother. And now his own sister. Galavan must die.

[Penguin shows up with Butch Gilzean to kill Azrael in front of Jim Gordon]
Oswald Cobblepot: You should know by now, bullets don't kill this monster, Jim.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Azrael turns around to see Penguin] My last one got stuck in your throat, so I'm thinking about shoving this one somewhere else. Jim, a little tip for next time, always bring the right tools for the job. See you in hell, Theo.
[when Penguin walks aside and Butch steps forward holding a rocket launcher]

"Batman: Batman Makes the Scenes (#1.34)" (1966)
The Penguin: [referring to the Caped Crusaders] They're still breathing. How in the name of purple wombats do they manage that?

Octopus: Hey, boss?
The Penguin: Hmm?
Octopus: You know what I'm gonna do with my cut? I'm going to the South Seas and open up a school for pirates!

Finella: Batman!
The Penguin: But it can't be. We gassed you at the party.
Batman: We prepared ourselves beforehand with anti-Penguin-gas pills.

Batman: Return of the Caped Crusaders (2016)
The Penguin: It is patently preposterous, you pretentious poser!

The Penguin: Come, my capricious cronies in criminality.

"The New Batman Adventures: Girl's Night Out (#2.7)" (1998)
The Penguin: That's right. I need chainsaws, dump-trucks, hedge-clippers, and a bottle of aspirin down here - now!

The Penguin: We're closed. Besides, you aren't even old enough to come in here.
Supergirl: Wanna see my I.D.?
The Penguin: No! I want Batman, Superman, or someone who can do something!
Batgirl: Like it or not, we're all you've got.

"Batman: The Sport of Penguins (#3.4)" (1967)
The Penguin: I knew you when you'd steal the braces from other kids teeth.
Lola Lasagne: While you stole their teeth!

The Penguin: Now what about the other Parasol, the four- legged one. Is that also a fake?
Lola Lasagne: Do you mean my prize-winning filly, with the white stripe in the middle of the forehead?
[Penguin grunts an affirmative]
Lola Lasagne: That's the only thing I have to show for me three weeks of marriage to Luigi Lasagna.
The Penguin: What! The billionaire South American playboy?
Lola Lasagne: Not exactly a playboy, Pengie. Luigi's almost 80.
[unidentifiable noise from The Penguin]
Lola Lasagne: Instead of dying, as any adoring young wife might reasonably expect, he divorced me!
[another grunt-like noise from The Penguin]
Lola Lasagne: Can you imagine he thought I was after his money?
The Penguin: [gasps] What slander! Fah!

"Gotham: Everyone Has a Cobblepot (#1.18)" (2015)
Harvey Bullock: You sure about this, Penguin? You're telling me this is where Loeb keeps 20 years of dirty secrets? Doesn't feel right.
James Gordon: Well, maybe that's the point. No one would suspect it.
Oswald Cobblepot: Which would you prefer, Detective Bullock? A sign saying "Super secret blackmail hoard"?
Harvey Bullock: You know, the last time the three of us took a ride, you were in the trunk. I liked that better.

Marge: What time is the train?
Oswald Cobblepot: [cocks shotgun] Oh, there is no train. I just needed your help.
Marge: What?
Oswald Cobblepot: I was down to one shell.
[shoots her]

"The New Batman Adventures: Judgment Day (#2.9)" (1998)
The Penguin: My dear fellow, I contacted all my usual sources, but I'm afraid it's just not a seller's market.
Killer Croc: What's that supposed to mean?
The Penguin: [pulls out a briefcase] $50,000 for the diamond. Not a penny more.
Killer Croc: That's robbery! That rock's worth 10 times that much!
The Penguin: Don't forget, as a legitimate businessman, I have my expenses too: taxes, overhead, labor.
Two-Face: And they call me two-faced.

The Judge: Is there no honor among thieves, Mr. Cobblepot? And you're worse than a thief. Trafficking in stolen goods.
The Penguin: I don't know who you are, sir, but I assure you, my transactions were all legitimate. You see, I had no actual knowledge that the items were stolen. Given that, I don't see how the law can touch me.
The Judge: I am the law... and I find you guilty!

"Gotham: The Mask (#1.8)" (2014)
Fish Mooney: [on Oswald's gift] You shouldn't have.
Oswald Cobblepot: I wanted to make a gesture. I hope, in time, we can be friends.
Fish Mooney: Friends? Hmm... sure. Why not? What's done is done.
Oswald Cobblepot: I'm so glad you feel that way. Don Maroni wants us to clarify terms.
Fish Mooney: Well, it's business as usual. Maroni still has his drugs, his unions. He pays tariff for the ports. If he needs favors from the cops or the mayor, Don Falcone will consider it. And, of course, the families still share Arkham.
Oswald Cobblepot: And there is to be no blood spilled on either side. Not a drop.
Fish Mooney: Hmm... maybe just a drop.

Fish Mooney: Timothy, do you know this fellow used to have your job? Carried my umbrella and thought it an honor. Now look at him. Has a seat at the table.
Oswald Cobblepot: Things change, eh? I've been blessed.
Fish Mooney: Perhaps I should open your gift.
[She does so, it is a jeweled brooch]
Fish Mooney: [gasps] My goodness. That is beautiful. Now I feel awful. I didn't get you anything.
Oswald Cobblepot: No.
Fish Mooney: Thank you...
[She pulls the brooch pin and stabs it through Oswald's hand. His bodyguards start to draw their guns, but he motions them back. Fish withdraws the pin and licks the blood off the tip]
Fish Mooney: Hmm... sweet.
Oswald Cobblepot: That was uncalled for.
Fish Mooney: I brought you into my family And I treated you like a son! And you betrayed me.
Oswald Cobblepot: For which I suffered.
Fish Mooney: Not enough. When I order some fool killed, I expect him to stay that way.
Oswald Cobblepot: Your boss, Don Falcone, expressly said...
Fish Mooney: Yeah, yeah, yeah, he wants peace. He's the only reason why your ass is still alive. And if I were you, I would pray for his good health.
Oswald Cobblepot: [laughing] Oh, I do. I do.
Fish Mooney: Good. 'Cause remember... things change.

"Gotham: Mad City: Time Bomb (#3.10)" (2016)
Oswald Cobblepot: [to Barbara about Butch and Tabitha's whereabouts] I haven't seen Butch since his little Summer Stock Revival with the Red Hood gang.

Barbara Kean: [to Oswald] Is it "How do I commit suicide?" Because that answer is coming.
Oswald Cobblepot: But if you ever point a gun at me again, Olga will be cleaning your brains off the floor. She's a real whiz with stains

"Batman: Penguin's Disastrous End (#2.44)" (1967)
The Penguin: [Aunt Hilda is firing the cannon on Penguin's solid gold tank] Stop her! Those shells are solid gold. Every time she fires that cannon, it costs 50.000 dollars!
Marsha, Queen of Diamonds: Oh, let her have some fun, Pengy. After all, you're a millionaire now.
The Penguin: Even a millionaire blinks at 50.000 dollars!

The Penguin: Auf wiedersehen!

"Gotham: Wrath of the Villains: A Dead Man Feels No Cold (#2.13)" (2016)
[Ms. Peabody ties Penguin to a chair for electric shock therapy]
Ethel Peabody: You are to be the face of our rehabilitation program. If we can cure a man like Oswald Cobblepot, we can cure anyone.
Oswald Cobblepot: I refuse. I refuse to be part of your program.
Ethel Peabody: You have no choice.
Oswald Cobblepot: Know this, woman. Nobody yet has failed to regret vexing the Penguin. And you are vexing me!
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin chuckles as Ms. Peabody holds up an electric shock helmet] Oh... Make your next decision very carefully.
[as Ms. Peabody laughs fitting the helmet over Penguin's head]

[Penguin sits in a circle with the other Arkham inmates forcefully playing a game of goose]
Marv: [the inmate Marv taps Penguin] Goose! You're supposed to chase me. You're the goose.
Oswald Cobblepot: No. No. I - I'm, uh... I'm the... I'm - I'm a penguin.
Marv: [the inmate screams at Penguin] Goose! Goose! Goose! Goose!

"The New Batman Adventures: Joker's Millions (#1.7)" (1998)
Dick Grayson: You sure The Joker's inside?
Barbara Gordon: The Penguin's throwing a "going legit" party.
Oswald Cobblepot: Sorry, we're full up tonight. Shoo, shoo.
Barbara Gordon: [loudly] Gee, you'd never think Penguin would turn away the Police Commissioner's daughter.
Oswald Cobblepot: [under his breath] Egad, Gordon's brat!
[speaks up]
Oswald Cobblepot: My dear Miss Gordon, how nice to see you! Welcome, have fun, and by all means, send the bill to me.
Barbara Gordon: Thank you, Mr. Cobblepot.
Oswald Cobblepot: [muttering] Lousy little freeloader...

[at Joker's "going legit" party]
Oswald Cobblepot: What's the scheme this time, Joker?
The Joker: Ha! No scheme at all, old bird. I'm free, I'm rich, and I'm loving it! I'm sure old Batboy is eating his heart out.
Oswald Cobblepot: [pouring champagne] Living well is the best revenge.
[they clink glasses]

"The Batman: Ring Toss (#5.7)" (2007)
Sinestro: Give me the ring, or suffer the consequences!
The Penguin: Can I take a sec to think it over?
Sinestro: No!

[wearing the Green Lantern's ring]
The Penguin: Guess I better be glowing...

"Batman: The Penguin Declines (#2.39)" (1967)
The Penguin: Very ingenious, Joker. A crime almost as good as one of mine.
The Penguin, The Joker: [pulls a disgusted face] One of yours? Those piddly escapades?
[sarcastic high pitch laughter]
The Penguin: High yourself, you cornball crook!
The Joker: Why you waddling little pipsqueak!
The Penguin: Gap-tooth goon!

The Penguin: Women of America, beware! Don Juan Penguin is on the lose!

"Gotham: All Happy Families Are Alike (#1.22)" (2015)
Oswald Cobblepot: I'm the King of Gotham!

Oswald Cobblepot: You owe me a favour, Jim. You owe me!
James Gordon: Dammit

"Gotham: Wrath of the Villains: Into the Woods (#2.17)" (2016)
[Oswald Cobblepot cries over his father's coffin]
Oswald Cobblepot: Father, I only knew you a short time. But you came to me when I was alone in this cold, dark world. You gave me a family. I'll never forget you as long as I... Oh, Father.

[Oswald Cobblepot serves Grace Van Dahl two plates of dinner, in which she assumes is roast]
Oswald Cobblepot: You thought they tasted the same, but Sasha...
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin tastes the meat on one of the plates] Mmm.
Grace Van Dahl: No. No.
Oswald Cobblepot: Definitely more tender in my opinion.
Grace Van Dahl: [Grace begins to cry] No, no.
Oswald Cobblepot: In my opinion.
Grace Van Dahl: [Grace starts to scream] No. No!
[when Penguin slices the knife down to Grace's neck]

"Batman: Fine Finny Fiends (#1.33)" (1966)
Octopus: [stuttering as he sees the Dynamic Duo approaching] Th-th-th-they'll grab us! It's the finish!
The Penguin: The finish for them, not for us, my quacking cohorts. But they're not captured yet. If I may coin a phrase: there's many a slip, so zipper your lip.

The Penguin: [stifling Finella's sneeze with his finger] Close your gills.

"Gotham: Rise of the Villains: Tonight's the Night (#2.8)" (2015)
[first lines]
James Gordon: [in a dream, Barbara Kean walks down the aisle to Jim Gordon] Ready for the practice run?
Barbara Kean: [Barbara arrives at the alter smiling] I'm ready to skip this and get married
James Gordon: Me, too.
Father Callahan: Let us rehearse the vows. Barbara Kean...
Barbara Kean: Mmm...
Father Callahan: Do you take James Gordon to be your unlawfully wedded husband to have to hold...
Barbara Kean: I'm sorry, Father. You said 'unlawfully wedded'.
James Gordon: [Gordon whispers] Barbara, just answer him, for God's sake.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Barbara looks back to Father Callahan, and sees a Father Cobblepot who grins] I'm waiting.

[last lines]
[Edward Nygma follows the blood trail to a lonely trailer out in the woods, as he's pushed to the ground while spying into the door]
Edward Nygma: [Nygma retrieves his glasses on the ground and sees an awkward, stumbling Penguin] Oh, my. Mr. Penguin?
Oswald Cobblepot: [Penguin raises a bat before falling to his knees, bleeding out from the gun wound on his shoulder] Help me, please.

"The New Batman Adventures: The Ultimate Thrill (#2.1)" (1998)
The Penguin: You worry me, my pippin. The chances that you take. I want you to tone it down.
Roxy Rocket: Ha! And what? Spoil the fun?
The Penguin: This isn't a movie, you know. I'm a legitimate businessman now. I don't want to draw attention to myself. I can't afford to have my associates getting Batman all excited.
Roxy Rocket: But he loved it. I know he lives for the chase and I was the best he ever had.
The Penguin: Ever been pursued by a bird of prey?
Roxy Rocket: Sorry, Pengie. Some things are just too scary, even for me.

The Penguin: You practically threw yourself into Batman's hands! If he catches you, what's to prevent him from making the connection to me? You would've put my whole operation at risk.
Roxy Rocket: Relax, Pengie. First, he's not gonna catch me. And second, I'm not a pigeon. I won't squawk.
The Penguin: I've seen him crack tougher eggs then you. I'm sorry, my dear. I just can't take that chance.
[raises umbrella at her]
Roxy Rocket: What's this?
The Penguin: I assure you, it's not filled with birdseed.
Roxy Rocket: But I thought you liked me.
The Penguin: I do. But an old bird like me can't afford such flights of fancy.

"Gotham: The Fearsome Dr. Crane (#1.14)" (2015)
[first lines]
Sal Maroni: [popping champagne cork] Ah. You're sure, now? Fish Mooney is done.
Oswald Cobblepot: She tried to bring down Falcone. She failed. Last time I saw her, Victor Zsasz had her cornered. We can assume she's either dead or extremely unwell.
Sal Maroni: Well, then. Salud.
[downs some champagne]
Sal Maroni: Mmm.
Sal Maroni: You know, this creates some intriguing opportunities. Falcone will struggle to hold on to her territories. If we move quickly...
Oswald Cobblepot: My thinking exactly. In fact, I took the liberty of claiming her nightclub. In your name, of course.
Sal Maroni: You did, huh? Good thinking. A bird in the hand is nine-tenths of the law, right?

Sal Maroni: Your turn. Tell me another secret. A good one this time.
Oswald Cobblepot: I took your gun. I have it right here.
Sal Maroni: That's a good secret.

"Batman: Penguin Sets a Trend (#2.43)" (1967)
Robin: You underhanded weasel!
The Penguin: [scoffs] Thanks for the compliment, Boy Bigmouth.

"Gotham: Beasts of Prey (#1.19)" (2015)
Oswald Cobblepot: All kinds of things motivate people Lust, ambition, envy.
Gabe: Okay, what motivated you? Why do you want this place so bad?
Oswald Cobblepot: It's simple. This is where I'm gonna kill Don Maroni.

"Batman: The Wail of the Siren (#3.3)" (1967)
The Penguin: Lulu! Speak to me, Lulu!
Lola Lasagne: Don't call me Lulu, Pengy. It's Señora Lola Lasagna now.

"The Batman/Superman Hour: Bubi, Bubi, Who's Got the Ruby?/1001 Faces of the Riddler/The Mysterious Mr. Mist/The Trap of the Super Spacemen (#1.5)" (1968)
The Penguin: You miserable refugee from a Halloween party!

"Gotham: Wrath of the Villains: Transference (#2.22)" (2016)
[Penguin sees Fish Mooney alive and back from the dead]
Oswald Cobblepot: [Fish blows at Penguin's ear from behind, as he turns around] Impossible.
Fish Mooney: Nothing... is impossible.
[as Penguin faints to the ground]

"Batman: The Zodiac Crimes (#2.37)" (1967)
Venus: [a package has arrived at the Joker's hideout] What's inside, Joker? $2,000 is a lot of money.
The Joker: Ah, this merchandise is worth $2,000!
The Penguin: [popping out of box] It's worth 200,000! You cheapskate. At least you could have sent me a plane ticket!
The Joker: Oh ho, we had to get you into Gotham City without anyone knowing about it, Pengy. Especially Batman.
The Penguin: Well, you better have have something good cooked up for that caped creep.
The Joker: Oh, oh, oh, don't you worry, Pengy. The pot's being put on the fire right now and Batman's in it!
The Penguin: Oh, you are a man after my own heart, Joker!
The Joker: Ah, Black, eh?
The Penguin: Black as pitch!
[both laugh]

"The Batman/Superman Hour: It Takes Two to Make a Team/Opera Buffa (#1.17)" (1969)
The Riddler: When you came through that door, you were sprayed with knockout gas.
The Penguin: Don't put me on, you - you - Good night.
[falls asleep]

"Gotham: Rise of the Villains: The Son of Gotham (#2.10)" (2015)
[the Penguin's men save Gordon]
Oswald Cobblepot: Hello, Jim. Lucky for you, Gabe had people following Galavan. Now... where is he? Where's Galavan?
[no response, Penguin starts screaming]
Oswald Cobblepot: Tell me! Where is Galavan!

"Gotham: Mad City: Follow the White Rabbit (#3.6)" (2016)
Oswald Cobblepot: Why aren't you playing with the other children?
Shane: What if they don't like me?
Oswald Cobblepot: Well, how would you ever know if you don't give it a try? And if they don't like you, wait for them to turn their back's and push them down the stair's.

"Gotham: The Balloonman (#1.3)" (2014)
[last lines]
James Gordon: The city is sick. Sick in a way I hadn't realized. When they were taking him away, this Balloonman killer, I asked who his last target was. You know what he said? "Doesn't matter." He meant the mayor, judges, anyone in a position of power, they're all guilty.
Barbara Kean: But that's not true.
James Gordon: That's how he feels. That's how they all feel. Everyone. That's why the city embraced him. Because we let them down. But if people take the law into their own hands, then there is no law. And we're lost. There are cops who do it. Same thing he did.
Barbara Kean: But *you* never would.
James Gordon: Do you think I could?
Barbara Kean: No. I know you Jim Gordon. And I love you. And now I'm gonna get you a drink.
[a knock at the door]
Barbara Kean: I'll get it.
[opens the door and seeing who it is]
Barbara Kean: Jim?
Oswald Cobblepot: Hello James, old friend...

"Batman: A Horse of Another Color (#3.5)" (1967)
Batgirl: No need to change clothes, Penguin, they'll issue you a nice striped wardrobe where you're going.
The Penguin: Fah! Armband, Visor, bridle that filly!

"The Batman: Bird of Prey (#1.11)" (2005)
Alfred Pennyworth: What has Master Bruce ever done to you?
The Penguin: Oh, nothing. Nothing really. Except own everything that should rightfully belong to me! I am from noble blood! The Cobblepots were once the toast of society! I am a Cobblepot!

"Gotham: Harvey Dent (#1.9)" (2014)
Oswald Cobblepot: [sniffing her] Mm. Lilacs. Mm. You smell good.
Fish Mooney: [recoiling] You don't.
Oswald Cobblepot: Snappy as ever. Oh.
Oswald Cobblepot: Well, goodbye, then. Sorry you're still grumpy with me. But you know, reaching out in friendship is never wrong...
[leaves again]
Butch Gilzean: Man, that dude's creepy.

"The Batman/Superman Hour: The Big Birthday Caper/Two Penguins Too Many/Luminians on the Loose/The Space Refugees (#1.6)" (1968)
Joker: But we're going to divide the loot; don't you trust me?
The Penguin: You want at honest answer?

"Batman: Fine Feathered Finks (#1.3)" (1966)
The Penguin: Oh, great heavenly sunshades. I have it! It's a fantastical scheme. It's hatched, full blown. U-Day. U for Umbrella day. What a dazzling plot!

"Gotham: Rise of the Villains: By Fire (#2.6)" (2015)
[Butch Gilzean lays his hand on the table in front of the Penguin]
Oswald Cobblepot: Dear me. A mallet. That's, um... useful.
Butch Gilzean: Don't even start.

"Gotham: Mad City: The Gentle Art of Making Enemies (#3.14)" (2017)
Butch Gilzean: Think.
Oswald Cobblepot: What?
Butch Gilzean: I said think.
Oswald Cobblepot: Oh I heard you, I'm just surprised you know the word.

"Gotham: Spirit of the Goat (#1.6)" (2014)
[last lines]
Harvey Bullock: [noticing Oswald in the doorway] Holy crap.
Oswald Cobblepot: Hello.
Oswald Cobblepot: I am Oswald Cobblepot.
Harvey Bullock: [to James] You son of a bitch.
James Gordon: Harvey...
Harvey Bullock: [lunging at him] You son of a bitch!

"Gotham: Lovecraft (#1.10)" (2014)
Gabe: Why not just tell Falcone the truth? It was that Liza girl that betrayed him.
Oswald Cobblepot: Timing, Gabriel. Timing is everything. And Liza is a time bomb. Just wait a while. Then watch and learn.

"Batman: The Penguin Goes Straight (#1.21)" (1966)
The Penguin: [on phone while eating from a large tin of sardines] Oh, good morning, commissionor. Have you snared the costumed crooks yet?
Police Commissioner James Gordon: [referring to the Caped Crusaders] They're still at large, Penguin.

Batman: Assault on Arkham (2014) (V)
The Penguin: [sees Harley] CLOWN!

"Gotham: Rise of the Villains: The Last Laugh (#2.3)" (2015)
[Oswald Cobblepot watches Jerome Valeska on the television]
Oswald Cobblepot: See, someone like that has no interest in building things. He's not part of a tradition. Hmm? It's chaos for chaos' sake.
Oswald Cobblepot: [Oswald takes a drink hearing Jerome laugh in the television] Perhaps I could use a new laugh.

"Gotham: Mad City: Anything for You (#3.5)" (2016)
Edward Nygma: I am the son of water, but if it touches me I die. what am I?
Oswald Cobblepot: Again with the Riddles.
Edward Nygma: Salt.

"Gotham: Mad City: The Executioner (#3.9)" (2016)
Edward Nygma: [On lsabella's death] Do you think she suffered?
Oswald Cobblepot: No.