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Quotes for
Penguin (Character)
from Batman Returns (1992)

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Batman Returns (1992)
[addressing a huge flock of penguins]
The Penguin: My dear penguins, we stand on a great threshold! It's okay to be scared; many of you won't be coming back. Thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish *all* God's children! 1st, 2nd, 3rd *and* 4th-born! Why be biased? Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal with their erogenous zones blown sky high! Forward march! The liberation of Gotham has begun!

The Penguin: Touring the riot scene. Gravely assessing the devastation. Upstanding mayor stuff.
Batman: You're not the mayor.
The Penguin: Things change.

The Penguin: True. I was their number one son, and they treated me like number two.

Batman: What do you want?
The Penguin: Ah, the direct approach. I admire that in a man with a mask.
[laughs, then turns serious]
The Penguin: You don't really think you'll win, do you?
Batman: Things change.
[Catwoman backflips into the middle of the confrontation. They stare at her, momentarily nonplussed]
Catwoman: Meow.
[a store explodes, she slips off]
The Penguin: I saw her first... gotta fly!

Fat Clown: Penguin... I mean, killing sleeping children. Isn't it that a little, uh...
[Penguin grabs an umbrella and shoots Henchman dead]
The Penguin: No! It's a lot "uh"!
[Kicks Henchman into the water]

The Penguin: But when it comes down to it, who's holding the umbrella?

The Penguin: I believe the word you're looking for is "Aaahh"!

The Penguin: You're just jealous, because I'm a genuine freak and you have to wear a mask!
Batman: You might be right.

The Penguin: [to his penguins] My babies. Did you miss me?
[he gets out of his wooden duck]
The Penguin: Did you miss me?
Henchman: Great speech, Oswald.
[Penguin hits him]
The Penguin: [shouting] My name is not Oswald! It's Penguin! I am not a human being. I am an animal! Cold-blooded!

[the Ice Princess mistakes the batarang for a camera]
The Penguin: Say cheese!
Ice Princess: Cheese!
[he throws it at her]

[the Organ Grinder's monkey approachs]
The Penguin: So where are all the children?
[the monkey hands him a note with a bat symbol on it]
The Penguin: "Dear Penguin. The children regret they are unable to attend - Batman."
[the Penguin screams]

[the Penguin creeps up behind Batman and grabs a trick umbrella - only to find it weaponless]
The Penguin: Ah, shit... I picked a cute one.
[hurls away the umbrella]
The Penguin: The heat's getting to me. I'll murder you momentarily. But first, I need a cold drink of ice water.
[he keels over on the edge of the bank. Six emperor penguins waddle up to the him and slide his body into the water]

The Penguin: You gotta admit I played this stinkin' city like a harp from hell.

The Penguin: [to Catwoman] Just the pussy I've been lookin' for!

The Penguin: [to Catwoman] You're Beauty and the Beast in one luscious Christmas gift pack.

The Penguin: They wouldn't put me on a pedestal, so I'm layin' 'em on a slab!

The Penguin: Just relax. I'll take care of the squealing, wretched, pinhead puppets of Gotham!

Volunteer Bimbo: You are the coolest role-model a young person could have!
The Penguin: And you're the hottest young person a role-model could have.

The Penguin: You didn't invite me, so I CRASHED!

The Penguin: Check it out. We're gonna disassemble his Batmobile and turn it into an H-bomb on wheels.
Catwoman: No, no, he'd have even more power as a martyr. To destroy Batman, we must first turn him into what he hates the most. Namely us.

The Penguin: Burn baby, burn!

Catwoman: Not even in office yet and already an enemies list, hmm?
The Penguin: Those names are not for prying eyes. Hey, why should I trust some cat-broad, anyway? Maybe you're just a screwed-up sorority chick who's gettin' back at her daddy for not buying her that pony when she turned sweet sixteen.

[plotting against Batman]
Catwoman: Batman napalmed my arm, he knocked me off a building just when I was starting to feel good about myself. I wanna play an integral part in his degradation.
The Penguin: A plan is forming.
Catwoman: I want in. The thought of busting Batman makes me feel all... dirty. Maybe I'll just give myself a bath right here.
[licks herself in a cat-like manner]

The Penguin: [to a crowd of voters] I may have saved the mayor's baby, but I refuse to save a mayor who stood by helpless *as a baby*, while Gotham City was ravaged by a disease that turned eagle scouts into crazed clowns and happy homemakers into catwomen!

Catwoman: We need to talk. You see, you and I have something in common.
The Penguin: Sounds familiar. Appetite for destruction? Contempt for the czars of fashion? Wait, don't tell me...
[begins to crawl onto the bed she's sitting on]
The Penguin: naked sexual charisma.
Catwoman: Batman. The thorn in both our sides. The fly in our ointment.
The Penguin: Ointment!
[jumps up and picks up two bottles]
The Penguin: Scented or unscented?
Catwoman: I'll come back later.

The Penguin: By the way, how's Fred Atkins, your old partner?
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Fred? Fred's actually... I believe he's on extended vacation. He's-he's good.
The Penguin: Good?
[Penguin takes out a severed hand]
The Penguin: Hi, Max! Remember me? I'm Fred's hand! You wanna greet any other body parts? Remember, Max. You flush it. I flaunt it.

The Penguin: Rats with wings do your thing.

The Penguin: [hooking Catwoman onto his trick umbrella, which launches into the air] Goodbye, my unintended; go to Heaven.

The Penguin: Actually, this is all just a bad dream. You're at home, in bed, heavily sedated, resting comfortably, dying from the carcinogens you personally spewed in a lifetime of profiteering. Tragic irony or poetic justice, you tell me.

The Penguin: [while being bombarded by food] Why is there always someone who brings eggs and tomatoes to a speech?

The Penguin: [spinning an umbrella with hypnotic swirls painted on] What you hide, I discover. What you put in your toilet, I place on my mantle. Get the picture?
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: What is that supposed to do? Hypnotize me?
The Penguin: No, just give you a splitting headache.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Well, it's not working.
[Penguin jerks the umbrella, which fires a shot, and Max jumps]
The Penguin: Ah, you big baby. Just blanks.

Josh: Not a lot of reflective surfaces down in the sewer, huh?
[he chuckles and the Penguin joins in]
The Penguin: Still... could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood.
[they both laugh again]
Josh: Your nose could be... what do you mean by tha...
[the Penguin bites Josh's nose]

The Penguin: [on the Batmobile's TV screen] Don't adjust your sets. Welcome to the Oswald Cobblepot school of driving. Gentlemen, start your screaming!

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: So he survived. What's the worry?
The Penguin: He didn't even lose a limb! An eyeball! Bladder control!

The Penguin: [driving the Batmobile] Maybe this is a bad time to mention this, but my license has expired!

Catwoman: It's chilly in here.
The Penguin: I'll warm you.

Catwoman: You said you were going to scare the Ice Princess.
The Penguin: She looked pretty scared to me!

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: I wish I could hand out World Peace and Unconditional Love, wrapped in a big bow.
The Penguin: [Watching from behind the sewer grill] Oh, but you can! Oh, but you will!

The Penguin: I could really get into this mayor stuff. It's not about power, it's about reaching out to people - touching people - groping people!

The Penguin: [to Catwoman] You lousy minx! I oughta have you spayed!

The Penguin: You're coming with me, ya great white dope, to die way down in the sewer!
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Not Chip! If you have an iota of human feeling, take me instead.
The Penguin: I don't, so no.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: I'm the one you want. Ask yourself. Isn't it Max Shreck who manipulated and betrayed you, eh? Isn't it Max, not Chip, who you wanna see immersed up to his eyeballs in raw sewage?
The Penguin: [thinks] Okay, you got a point. I'll let the little prince live.

The Penguin: I'd like to fill her void.

Batman: Arkham City (2011) (VG)
The Penguin: [to Batman] Look around you. This horrible bunch of psychopaths are all begging to join up with me, but unfortunately for them, I only take the best. And today, the best means whoever can kill you, come on out lads, it's initiation time

The Penguin: [blows up a bridge] See, I told you it would work. Blow up the bridges and cut off the clown's forces. Easy.
Inmate: But Mr. Cobblepot, we're stuck too.
The Penguin: So?
Inmate: We can't get back.
The Penguin: And your point is?
Inmate: Well, it's just... you've left us over here with The Joker's crew.
The Penguin: Try and take some of them down before you die, son. Ha ha ha.
Inmate: You bastard.

Batman: You're finished, Cobblepot.
The Penguin: No! I'm sorry. Please don't hurt me.
Batman: I can't guarantee that.
The Penguin: [pulls out detonator] Me neither.
[the platform explodes, sending Batman to a lower level]

The Penguin: What the hell is happening down there? Hello! Is someone gonna answer me? I give you one simple task. Stick up a couple of freaking machines. And what? You couldn't even get that right? I hope Batman broke every bone in you stupid bodies. I hope you lie in there, desperately trying to breathe through fractured ribs and punctured lungs. And if you're not, you better summon whatever strength you've got left and run. 'Cause after I'm done with the bat, you're all next!

The Penguin: So, Batman, you 'ere for the cops, the ice man, or me?
Batman: I was only here for Fries and the hostages, but now, I'm taking you down too.
The Penguin: Ooh, aren't you scary.
Batman: You're about to find out.

Catwoman: [sees Penguin trapped in a display case] What the hell are you supposed to be?
The Penguin: Piss off!
Catwoman: Really? Okay, if you insist. Oh, I forgot to say, speak to me like that again, Penguin, and I'll show you just what it feels like for a poor little bird to be torn apart by a cat.
The Penguin: Please, don't hurt me! I didn't mean it!
Catwoman: That's much nicer. See, you can be nice, Oswald. See you around.

The Penguin: Well, look who it is. What's up, Batman? Did a little bird tell you that Two-Face was back?
Batman: I'm surprised he didn't kill you. What did you do, hide?
The Penguin: Who do you think you're talking to? Oswald Cobblepot doesn't hide from anyone, understand? He just... he just didn't see me.
Batman: How convenient.

The Penguin: [to Batman] Hold still ya wanker!

The Penguin: All alone, son. You better not piss me off by dyin'. I'd hate to have to wake ya up to kill ya again.

The Penguin: I'm running out of patience. You're running out of people. Let's see what runs out first!

The Penguin: [Freezing Batman's right arm] Stay where I can see you, Batman. You wouldn't believe the fight the ol' snowman put up. Still, I got what I wanted That's all that matters.
[Shoots at the GCPD Officer]
The Penguin: Hold still, boy.
Undercover GCPD Officer: [Gets shot with an ice blast] No, no noooooo!
The Penguin: When you're done in here, feel free to meet me in the Iceberg Lounge so I can kick your ass again.
The Penguin: Enjoy the Cop-Sicle.

Batman: The Movie (1966)
The Riddler: I see the way to do it! We'll play each of our treacherous trumps in one hand, and we'll do it right here!
The Penguin: How?
The Riddler: How? The end! The end, oh...
The Riddler: We shall spring them from The Joker's Jack-In-The-Box, through that window, out over the sea, and into the waiting arms of The Penguin's Exploding Octopus!
[giggles again]
The Riddler: The trigger: one of my riddles, of course, and the bait: You! Catwoman!

The Penguin: Careful, careful, every one of them's got a mother.

The Catwoman: You dismal bird! You and your submarine, Where has it got us now?
The Penguin: Shut up, you feline floozy!

The Penguin: Ahoy there! Could you chaps direct me to a policeman? Commodore Schmidlapp's the name. Big Ben Distilleries, you know.
[Batman and Robin look at each other]
Robin: Holy costume party. That's the Penguin.
Batman: Obviously.
Robin: What's his game, I wonder.
[Batman turns back to the Penguin]
Batman: What's your game, Penguin?
The Penguin: Penguin?
The Penguin: No, my name's Schmidlapp, old boy. Schmidlapp.

The Penguin: Waugh waugh!
The Joker: [mocking] Waugh waugh!

The Riddler: You and your trained, exploding shark!
The Penguin: How was I to know they'd have a can of shark-repellent Batspray handy?

The Penguin: Now hear this, now hear this. This is your Captain speaking. My fine pinioned pirates, we're approaching the tricky buoy! Sharpen your cutlasses! There may be skullduggery ahead!

The Penguin: There are two eggs this wily bird is going to scramble: Batman and Robin! Waugh, waugh, waugh, waugh!

[Penguin's submarine has been fired upon by Batman and Robin]
The Catwoman: Penguin, you know I can't take water!
The Penguin: You cowardly kitten! You want to live forever?

"Batman: The Animated Series: Birds of a Feather (#1.52)" (1993)
The Penguin: And who says opera has to be boring?

The Penguin: [to Batman] Won't you stay for a cup of cappuccino?
[holds up a can of rat poison]

[Penguin steps outside with a small case]
Bruce Wayne: [follows him] Admiring the Vreeland jewelry, Mr. Cobblepot?
The Penguin: Ah, Mr. Wayne, isn't it? Actually, I was thinking of adding this to her collection.
[reveals a gold penguin brooch]
Bruce Wayne: [surprised] I'm sorry. Maybe the rumors of your reform are *not* exaggerated.
The Penguin: Anything's possible when love is involved.

Pierce: [shackled to the floor] What is this?
The Penguin: The end of the show, when the fat bird sings!

The Penguin: 'Tis better to have loved and lost, and made a small profit, than never to have loved at all!

[last lines]
Veronica Vreeland: Oswald, I really was growing fond of you...
The Penguin: I suppose what they say is true: society is to blame. High society.

Veronica Vreeland: Oswald, if it's money you want I can get you more...
The Penguin: SHUT UP! All I wanted from you, dearie, was a little friendship! That would have cost you nothing!

The Penguin: You again... and again and again!

"Batman: The Animated Series: Almost Got 'im (#1.35)" (1992)
Two-Face: Poison Ivy.
Poison Ivy: It's been a long time, Harvey. You're still looking around halfway decent.
Two-Face: Half of me wants to strangle ya.
Poison Ivy: And what does the other half want?
Two-Face: To hit ya with a truck.
Poison Ivy: We used to date.
The Joker, The Penguin, Killer Croc: Ah.

The Penguin: So, I hear You-Know-Who nailed The Mad Hatter last week...
The Joker: No kidding! He sure gets around for one guy.
Two-Face: Yeah, well, that's where you're wrong. I don't think it is one guy.
Killer Croc: Huh?
Two-Face: The way I figure it, Gordon's got a bunch of them stashed someplace, like a S.W.A.T. team. He wants you to think it's one guy, but...
The Joker: Ah, you're always seeing double.
The Penguin: It's obvious our caped friend suffered some crime-related trauma when he was younger. Perhaps an over-anxious mugger blew off a piece of his face.
The Joker: Sure, he could be all gross and disgusting under that mask!
[Dent, who was adding cream to his coffee, crushes the carton]
The Joker: Uh, no offense, Harv.
Two-Face: Just deal...
Killer Croc: Well, you know what I think?
The Joker: Not the robot theory again...
Killer Croc: Well, he could be.

[the Penguin lures and traps Batman in a bird conservatory]
The Penguin: Greetings, Batman! You have taken the bait, as I knew you would. Now, prepare to meet your end, within my Aviary of Doom!
Poison Ivy: [interrupting] Aviary of WHAT?
The Joker: Yeesh, Pengers! How corny can you get?
The Penguin: Fah! Just because you mundane miscreants have no drama in your souls! Anyway, there he was in my av... uh, big birdhouse...

Killer Croc: You'd think one of us would've got 'im by now...
The Penguin: I've come the closest.
Poison Ivy: Are you kidding? I was the one who nearly...
Two-Face: [pounds the table] Nobody's come closer to stopping the Batman than ME!
[a squabble breaks out, which the Joker ends with a whistle]
The Joker: The fact is each of us has their own "almost got 'im" story to tell...

[the Joker wins the poker game]
Poison Ivy: Awww...
Two-Face: No way!
Killer Croc: Forget this!
The Penguin: Let me see those cards!

[first lines]
[a poker game starts at the Stacked Deck Club]
The Joker: I want a nice, clean game, gentlemen.
The Penguin: That'll be a first...

The Penguin: [all the villains have weapons trained on Killer Croc, who is really Batman in disguise] Well, well, an impostor in our midst!
Poison Ivy: Risking everything for your kitty, Batman?
Two-Face: You're not getting outta this one!
Batman: Maybe
[snaps his fingers. Everyone in the bar turns around and trains guns on the villains]
Batman: but I'm not bad with traps, myself.

"Batman: Hizzonner the Penguin (#2.17)" (1966)
The Penguin: Foul play in our fair city!
Policeman: That crooked quack is up to no good.
The Penguin: Citizen Penguin to the rescue!

Lulu: Gee, I wish I was old enough to vote for you, Mr. Penguin.
The Penguin: Don't worry, little one, you'll get your chance on my fourth term.
[laughter all round]

The Penguin: So, old pointy ears has thrown his cowl into the ring, huh? Good! Once and for all I'll settle matters with that masked moron.

[Organizing his election]
Penguin: Plenty of girls and bands and slogans and lots of hoopla, but remember, no politics. Issues confuse people.

The Penguin: Politics is wonderful! I can use all my lowest, slurpiest tricks, but now they're legal! I should have been a politician years ago!

Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman (2003) (V)
Penguin: Batman, Batgirl, Batwoman. What is it about this city? The water?

Penguin: And Mr. Wayne. It's been quite a while, hasn't it?
Bruce Wayne: Yes, I believe the last time is when you stole plutonium from one of my labs and threatened to blow up the city.
Penguin: Oh, oh yes. My more rambunctious days.

Rupert Thorne: You're out, Duquesne.
Carlton Duquesne: Should have never got mixed up with garbage like you.
Penguin: Well, that'll give you and that brat something to talk about in family therapy.

Rupert Thorne: The ship's going down, Penguin.
Penguin: Our only consolation is that it will take a few bats with it.

Penguin: [is bonded by Batwoman's straps to his chair] They're constricting!
Batwoman: They'll slice a penguin like a turkey unless you tell me who your new partner is.

"Batman: The Animated Series: I've Got Batman in My Basement (#1.20)" (1992)
Batman: [after rescuing some nosy kids] Get out, now!
The Penguin: [emerges from debris] You should've taken your own advice.
[Shoots him]

The Penguin: Scrap, my faithful pet. Ready for a ripe repast?
[Penguin feeds Scrap a chunk of meat]
Jay: [Shudders] That bald buzzard gives me the willies.
The Penguin: If it weren't for Scrap, you two would be feathering your nest at Stonegate Penitentiary. Now, where is it?
[Jay reveals the Vonalster Fabergé Egg, handing it to Penguin]
The Penguin: Oh, how much more doth beauty beauteous seem by this sweet egg, which we have scrambled for?

The Penguin: [to his thugs] Gentlemen - and I use the term loosely - after you...

The Penguin: I'll clip your wings, you flying rodent!

The Penguin: Oh, how bourgeois. Tearing this place apart could only improve it! Let the egg hunt begin!

"Batman: Penguin Is a Girl's Best Friend (#2.42)" (1967)
The Penguin: [the Penguin and his henchmen appear to br robbing an armoured car as Batman and Robin make their approach ] What are you buttinskies doing here?
Batman: Just a little scholary research, Penguin.
The Penguin: [Batman and Robin begin fighting the Penguin's henchmen] Stop! Stop this outrageous intrusion!
The Penguin: [the fighting continues] Cease I say! Cease and desist!
The Penguin: [Batman and Robin finish fighting the henchmen] Stop, you bumbling buffoons! This is legal, I tell you! It's legal!
Batman: Have you heard anything about legalized thievery, Robin?
Robin: Can't say that I have, Batman.
The Penguin: I'll wipe those silly smirks off your faces in court! I'll sue you for assault and battery, and aggravated interference!
Batman: You're witnessing the final disintegration of the criminal brain, Robin. Years of outlawry has taken it's inevitable toll.
Robin: But he's right about our being in court, Batman.
[to the Penguin]
Robin: We'll be the prosecution's star witnesses when they try you for armed robbery!

The Penguin: [hits a button on his phone] Prop Department?
Set Department: No, Mister Penguin. This is the Set Department.
The Penguin: [hits another button] Prop Department?
Publicity: Sorry, Mister Penguin. This is Publicity.
The Penguin: [hits another button] Prop Department?
[hits another]
The Penguin: Prop Department?
Prop Department: Yes, Mister Penguin?
The Penguin: I forgot what I wanted you for.

Marsha, Queen of Diamonds: Does Batman have a love scene with the leading lady in your film?
The Penguin: [laughs] Of course. Who ever heard about a film without a love scene?
Marsha, Queen of Diamonds: Then I shall be your leading lady. Or no diamonds.

Marsha, Queen of Diamonds: Skip the compliments, darling. You wouldn't have asked me here if you didn't want something.
The Penguin: Yes, I do want something. I want to make you a millionairess.
Marsha, Queen of Diamonds: How boring, I'm already a millionairess.
The Penguin: Heh heh heh! True. And how would you like to be a billionairess?
Marsha, Queen of Diamonds: [perks up] That's interesting.

"Batman: Not Yet, He Ain't (#1.22)" (1966)
The Penguin: Now lets toss the costumes corpses over the pier. To the sharks with them.
[walks around the shooting stand to find Batman & Robin gone]
The Penguin: Great blubbering whale oil! They've evaporated!

The Penguin: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest fink of all?

Chief O'Hara: You greedy bird! Have you no conscience?
Commissioner Gordon: Great Scot, Penguin, this woman loves you, she's still willing to marry you.
The Penguin: Who, me? The Penguin married and kept in a bathtub?
Sophia Starr: I do love you, Pengy, I'd try so hard to reform you.
The Penguin: Great quivering icebergs! Take me to prison!
[waddles out]

The Penguin: Thundering feathers!

"Batman: Penguin's Clean Sweep (#3.20)" (1968)
The Penguin: [watching Batgirl arrive on her Batcycle] Trash of another color on the horizon: Bat-trash!
Batgirl: Consider your collecting career over, Penguin!

The Penguin: Now, we're the only people in Gotham City protected against the Lygerian sleeping sickness.
Robin: [Batman and Robin burst in] You're not protected against a good right jab, you slimey bird!
Batman: It's beddy-bye for you, Penguin.
The Penguin: Nobody catches the Penguin sleeping, Dynamic Dreamers!

The Penguin: [on phone] Hello, World League of Nations? I'd like to buy a country. What have you got?
[listenes for a moment]
The Penguin: No! I don't want that one, I'm allergic to Vodka.

The Penguin: [stepping over the Dynamic crusaders and several police officers, who are lying asleep on the pavement] The flies really did their work. They're all sleeping like babies. Even this mutton-headed Police Chief. Of course he looks like he's sleeping even when he's awake.
[Penguin's Finks all laugh]
The Penguin: What have we got here? Aaah, a watch. This is no more than I deserve. Very fine watch.
Chief O'Hara: [Chief O'Hara gets up off the ground, followed by all the other 'sleepers'] You won't be needin' a watch where you're goin'.
The Penguin: What?
Chief O'Hara: You'll need a calender. A twenty year calender.

"Batman: Dizzoner the Penguin (#2.18)" (1966)
The Penguin: Now, which man do you want to run Gotham City? A man like myself who is always in the company of the law, or a man like Batman who rubs elbows with the worst elements of this city and who is undoubtedly a desperate criminal himself?

The Penguin: [on phone] Hello Commissioner? This is the next mayor of Gotham City speaking.
Commissioner Gordon: [on other line] What? Who is this?
The Penguin: No, I just want to tell you you're not to worry about your job. See, I'm appointing the Riddler new Commissioner of police, and he's promised to give you back your old job.
Commissioner Gordon: Why you, pompous...
The Penguin: Why that's pounding the beat on the waterfront.

The Penguin: [on phone with Commissioner Gordon] And you tell that Irish stooge of yours that his next job will be shining the shoes of the new police chief:
The Penguin: the Joker!
Commissioner Gordon: [hangs up in disgust] The terrible thing is, in a few short hours, that mangy bird may be my boss...

The Penguin: Tut-tut, Wonder Midget!

"The New Batman Adventures: Girl's Night Out (#2.7)" (1998)
The Penguin: That's right. I need chainsaws, dump-trucks, hedge-clippers, and a bottle of aspirin down here - now!

The Penguin: We're closed. Besides, you aren't even old enough to come in here.
Supergirl: Wanna see my I.D.?
The Penguin: No! I want Batman, Superman, or someone who can do something!
Batgirl: Like it or not, we're all you've got.

Harley Quinn: Ain't this place great, Sparky? Look at the iceberg! They've got real seals in there!
[imitates seal barking]
Livewire: Yeah, and lots of water.
Harley Quinn: [pouring a drink] Aw, c'mon! Wet your whistle!
Livewire: [slapping the bottle out of Harley's hand] I don't do liquids!
Harley Quinn: Hey! I said I was sorry!
Livewire: Dry up!
[throws drink in Harley's face]
Poison Ivy: You know, Livewire, you could show a little appreciation. Without us, you'd be a dead battery.
Livewire: [rises from her seat] I'll show you how dead I am!
Poison Ivy: [rises from her seat] Ooh, that sounds like a challenge.
Harley Quinn: [ducks for cover] Oy!
The Penguin: Ladies, Ladies, please. I run a respectable club here.
Livewire: No one's talking to you, lard butt!
The Penguin: That's it. Out you three pixies go.
Livewire: This could be fun, after all.
[Patrons run screaming out of the Iceberg Lounge as electricity shoots out and vines grow out the door]

"Batman: The Penguin's a Jinx (#1.4)" (1966)
The Penguin: [after hearing an explosion] What was that?
Hawkeye: It sounded like a Bat-zooka!

The Penguin: Well, good for you. The Dynamic Duo. Their faces completely covered with Penguin egg.

The Penguin: Who says penguins can't fly?

"Batman: The Animated Series: The Mechanic (#1.48)" (1993)
The Penguin: Then we're going to pull a switch... on a switch.

Rundle: Um, excuse me? Where will this take me?
The Penguin: On a sea cruise.

The Penguin: I wanted the rare ones. The reverse audobon! These aren't even worth enough to pay for the repairs to the limousine. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't have Percival here peck out your eyes.

"The Batman: Call of the Cobblepot (#1.2)" (2004)
The Penguin: Just one question, Batman: How'd you find me?
Batman: You left a trail of breadcrumbs, Cobblepot.
The Penguin: Please! Now that all pretenses are off, call me Penguin, a flightless bird, but one with style!

The Penguin: Bruce Wayne! King of the castle, ruler of the roost.
Bruce Wayne: Have we met?
The Penguin: Cobblepot. Oswald Cobblepot.

The Penguin: I'm gonna restore the Cobblepot name to its former wealth and glory!

"Batman: Enter Batgirl, Exit Penguin (#3.1)" (1967)
The Penguin: You're about to witness the coup of the century. The world's leading arch-criminal becomes the son-in-law of a police commissioner.
The Penguin: I don't know whether to call him 'daddy' or just 'commish'.
Batman: [the Dynamic Duo have climbed in through the window without a sound] If I were you, Penguin, I'd call 'help', right now.
Robin: When we get through with you, Penguin, you'll be hollering 'uncle' instead of 'daddy'!

The Penguin: Well, Dynamic Dupes, how does it feel to be a couple of human teabags?
Batman: Steaming us to death will do you no good, Penguin, the law will get you in the end.

Penguin: [singing] Here comes the bride, all bagged and tied!

The Batman vs. Dracula (2005) (V)
The Penguin: [getting arrested] It was vampires, I tell ya! Vampires! With big honkin' fangs!

The Joker: Joker's back from the grave!
The Penguin: Yeah, a lot of that going around.

The Penguin: Agh! Dead guys don't do that.
Dracula: Not dead... UN-dead.
The Penguin: I think I need to UN-wet my pants.

"Batman: The Bird's Last Jest (#2.28)" (1966)
The Penguin: Ladies and gentlemen, friends of The Penguin's Nest. I regret to announce the outbreak of a sudden epidemic: Moldavian food poisoning. I suggest while you can, to run for your lives to your favorite family physician.

The Penguin: Mr. Blue! I want you to prepare fifty pounds of pie-crust. We are going to make a gigantic butler pie!

The Penguin: [the Penguin has been trying to rendevous with Ballpoint Baxter, a notorious forger. He thinks he's about to be sent to prison to meet Baxter, but Chief O'Hara brings Baxter into Commissioner Garden's office] Ballpoint! Ballpoint Baxter!
Bruce Wayne: That's right, Mister Penguin. I've just secured him a parole.
Dick Grayson: Mr. Baxter is going to teach penmanship in one of the Wayne Foundation camps for underprivileged children.
The Penguin: Oh, no! No! What about the underprivileged criminals?

"CollegeHumor Originals: Batman vs the Penguin" (2013)
Commissioner Gordon: Batman, you have to know what dea-I mean, your parents were shot and killed.
Batman: My parents were shot, yes, but they're alive. On a special farm.
Penguin: Oh, boy.
Commissioner Gordon: They're on a farm?
Batman: They're on a special happy farm, where they make buttermilk. They romp and play. There's a hammock made of dreams.
Penguin: I-I can't even...
Batman: They write me emails.

Penguin: Batman, what do you have on your wrists?
Batman: I'm not wearing hockey pads!

Batman: My fish. He went to sleep and we flushed him down the toilet. He's in the ocean right now. He's alive.
Penguin: No, he's dead.
Batman: Doctor Fishy! No!
Commissioner Gordon: You see Batman, what you did to Doctor Fishy is what you've done to these men.
Batman: I overfed these men?

"Batman: Batman Makes the Scenes (#1.34)" (1966)
The Penguin: [referring to the Caped Crusaders] They're still breathing. How in the name of purple wombats do they manage that?

Octopus: Hey, boss?
The Penguin: Hmm?
Octopus: You know what I'm gonna do with my cut? I'm going to the South Seas and open up a school for pirates!

Finella: Batman!
The Penguin: But it can't be. We gassed you at the party.
Batman: We prepared ourselves beforehand with anti-Penguin-gas pills.

Batman: Return of the Caped Crusaders (2016)
The Penguin: It is patently preposterous, you pretentious poser!

The Penguin: Come, my capricious cronies in criminality.

"Batman: The Sport of Penguins (#3.4)" (1967)
The Penguin: I knew you when you'd steal the braces from other kids teeth.
Lola Lasagne: While you stole their teeth!

The Penguin: Now what about the other Parasol, the four- legged one. Is that also a fake?
Lola Lasagne: Do you mean my prize-winning filly, with the white stripe in the middle of the forehead?
[Penguin grunts an affirmative]
Lola Lasagne: That's the only thing I have to show for me three weeks of marriage to Luigi Lasagna.
The Penguin: What! The billionaire South American playboy?
Lola Lasagne: Not exactly a playboy, Pengie. Luigi's almost 80.
[unidentifiable noise from The Penguin]
Lola Lasagne: Instead of dying, as any adoring young wife might reasonably expect, he divorced me!
[another grunt-like noise from The Penguin]
Lola Lasagne: Can you imagine he thought I was after his money?
The Penguin: [gasps] What slander! Fah!

"The New Batman Adventures: Judgment Day (#2.9)" (1998)
The Penguin: My dear fellow, I contacted all my usual sources, but I'm afraid it's just not a seller's market.
Killer Croc: What's that supposed to mean?
The Penguin: [pulls out a briefcase] $50,000 for the diamond. Not a penny more.
Killer Croc: That's robbery! That rock's worth 10 times that much!
The Penguin: Don't forget, as a legitimate businessman, I have my expenses too: taxes, overhead, labor.
Two-Face: And they call me two-faced.

The Judge: Is there no honor among thieves, Mr. Cobblepot? And you're worse than a thief. Trafficking in stolen goods.
The Penguin: I don't know who you are, sir, but I assure you, my transactions were all legitimate. You see, I had no actual knowledge that the items were stolen. Given that, I don't see how the law can touch me.
The Judge: I am the law... and I find you guilty!

"Batman: Penguin's Disastrous End (#2.44)" (1967)
The Penguin: [Aunt Hilda is firing the cannon on Penguin's solid gold tank] Stop her! Those shells are solid gold. Every time she fires that cannon, it costs 50.000 dollars!
Marsha, Queen of Diamonds: Oh, let her have some fun, Pengy. After all, you're a millionaire now.
The Penguin: Even a millionaire blinks at 50.000 dollars!

The Penguin: Auf wiedersehen!

"The Batman: Ring Toss (#5.7)" (2007)
Sinestro: Give me the ring, or suffer the consequences!
The Penguin: Can I take a sec to think it over?
Sinestro: No!

[wearing the Green Lantern's ring]
The Penguin: Guess I better be glowing...

"Batman: The Penguin Declines (#2.39)" (1967)
The Penguin: Very ingenious, Joker. A crime almost as good as one of mine.
The Penguin, The Joker: [pulls a disgusted face] One of yours? Those piddly escapades?
[sarcastic high pitch laughter]
The Penguin: High yourself, you cornball crook!
The Joker: Why you waddling little pipsqueak!
The Penguin: Gap-tooth goon!

The Penguin: Women of America, beware! Don Juan Penguin is on the lose!

"Batman: Fine Finny Fiends (#1.33)" (1966)
Octopus: [stuttering as he sees the Dynamic Duo approaching] Th-th-th-they'll grab us! It's the finish!
The Penguin: The finish for them, not for us, my quacking cohorts. But they're not captured yet. If I may coin a phrase: there's many a slip, so zipper your lip.

The Penguin: [stifling Finella's sneeze with his finger] Close your gills.

"The New Batman Adventures: The Ultimate Thrill (#2.1)" (1998)
The Penguin: You worry me, my pippin. The chances that you take. I want you to tone it down.
Roxy Rocket: Ha! And what? Spoil the fun?
The Penguin: This isn't a movie, you know. I'm a legitimate businessman now. I don't want to draw attention to myself. I can't afford to have my associates getting Batman all excited.
Roxy Rocket: But he loved it. I know he lives for the chase and I was the best he ever had.
The Penguin: Ever been pursued by a bird of prey?
Roxy Rocket: Sorry, Pengie. Some things are just too scary, even for me.

The Penguin: You practically threw yourself into Batman's hands! If he catches you, what's to prevent him from making the connection to me? You would've put my whole operation at risk.
Roxy Rocket: Relax, Pengie. First, he's not gonna catch me. And second, I'm not a pigeon. I won't squawk.
The Penguin: I've seen him crack tougher eggs then you. I'm sorry, my dear. I just can't take that chance.
[raises umbrella at her]
Roxy Rocket: What's this?
The Penguin: I assure you, it's not filled with birdseed.
Roxy Rocket: But I thought you liked me.
The Penguin: I do. But an old bird like me can't afford such flights of fancy.

"Batman: Penguin Sets a Trend (#2.43)" (1967)
Robin: You underhanded weasel!
The Penguin: [scoffs] Thanks for the compliment, Boy Bigmouth.

"Batman: The Wail of the Siren (#3.3)" (1967)
The Penguin: Lulu! Speak to me, Lulu!
Lola Lasagne: Don't call me Lulu, Pengy. It's Señora Lola Lasagna now.

"The Batman/Superman Hour: Bubi, Bubi, Who's Got the Ruby?/1001 Faces of the Riddler/The Mysterious Mr. Mist/The Trap of the Super Spacemen (#1.5)" (1968)
The Penguin: You miserable refugee from a Halloween party!

"Batman: The Zodiac Crimes (#2.37)" (1967)
Venus: [a package has arrived at the Joker's hideout] What's inside, Joker? $2,000 is a lot of money.
The Joker: Ah, this merchandise is worth $2,000!
The Penguin: [popping out of box] It's worth 200,000! You cheapskate. At least you could have sent me a plane ticket!
The Joker: Oh ho, we had to get you into Gotham City without anyone knowing about it, Pengy. Especially Batman.
The Penguin: Well, you better have have something good cooked up for that caped creep.
The Joker: Oh, oh, oh, don't you worry, Pengy. The pot's being put on the fire right now and Batman's in it!
The Penguin: Oh, you are a man after my own heart, Joker!
The Joker: Ah, Black, eh?
The Penguin: Black as pitch!
[both laugh]

"The Batman/Superman Hour: It Takes Two to Make a Team/Opera Buffa (#1.17)" (1969)
The Riddler: When you came through that door, you were sprayed with knockout gas.
The Penguin: Don't put me on, you - you - Good night.
[falls asleep]

"Batman: A Horse of Another Color (#3.5)" (1967)
Batgirl: No need to change clothes, Penguin, they'll issue you a nice striped wardrobe where you're going.
The Penguin: Fah! Armband, Visor, bridle that filly!

"The Batman: Bird of Prey (#1.11)" (2005)
Alfred Pennyworth: What has Master Bruce ever done to you?
The Penguin: Oh, nothing. Nothing really. Except own everything that should rightfully belong to me! I am from noble blood! The Cobblepots were once the toast of society! I am a Cobblepot!

"The Batman/Superman Hour: The Big Birthday Caper/Two Penguins Too Many/Luminians on the Loose/The Space Refugees (#1.6)" (1968)
Joker: But we're going to divide the loot; don't you trust me?
The Penguin: You want at honest answer?

"Batman: Fine Feathered Finks (#1.3)" (1966)
The Penguin: Oh, great heavenly sunshades. I have it! It's a fantastical scheme. It's hatched, full blown. U-Day. U for Umbrella day. What a dazzling plot!

"Batman: The Penguin Goes Straight (#1.21)" (1966)
The Penguin: [on phone while eating from a large tin of sardines] Oh, good morning, commissionor. Have you snared the costumed crooks yet?
Police Commissioner James Gordon: [referring to the Caped Crusaders] They're still at large, Penguin.

Batman: Assault on Arkham (2014) (V)
The Penguin: [sees Harley] CLOWN!