Jesse James
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American Outlaws (2001)
Cole: Sadie was a beautiful woman, Sadie was not a man!
Jesse James: She had a mustache, a nice mustache.
Frank: I think she had more than a mustache!
Cole: Well, she was European.

Jesse James: Hey stupid! Yeah, you. Glad to see you know your name, you dumb shit!

Head Teller: Why sir, sorry, but this bill is counterfeit!
Jesse James: Oh, I don't think so. But I'm gonna have to see the rest of your money so I can compare.
Frank: It's a scientific method, I hear it's all the rage.

[to Zee]
Jesse James: You got big. I mean, you aged. What I mean is in a good way you got big and older.

Jesse James: Drinking whiskey, Jim? You're too young to be drinking whiskey.
Jim: Not too young to shoot a man, not too young to drink whiskey!

Jesse James: Hands off your hip, Cole.
Cole: Ain't scared are ya, Jesse?
Jesse James: Pick your fights, cousin, you taught me that.

Jesse James: So we got a plan?
Bob: Yeah, my plan of lying here pissing myself seems to be working mighty fine, thank you!

Ma James: The Lord says we can bury 'em out back in the orchard. No one will ever find 'em.
Jesse James: Somebody's in a vengeful mood today.
Frank: Why don't we let 'em go for today, Ma? We'll bury 'em out back next time.
Ma James: [disappointed] Aw, all right.

Frank: That Zerelda turned into a hell of a woman, eh?
Jesse James: Oh yeah.
Frank: "Big and older"?
Jesse James: You can shut up now, Frank.
Frank: You are a charmer.
Jesse James: I swear to god I will shoot you in your sleep.
Frank: Next time try "Fat and haggard"!

Cole: Where you been buddy?
Jesse James: What's going on?
Cole: Well, nothin' really.

Jesse James: Distracting enough for ya'?
Frank: Aw, they hardly even noticed you.
Jesse James: So you're saying I could have done more to attact their attention?
Frank: Uh-huh.
Jesse James: Such as?
Frank: Well you coulda' worn one of those big, floppy women's Easter Sunday bonnets.
Jesse James: Yeah, that would've made an impression.
Frank: I figure.
Jesse James: See that's your problem, Frank. By the time you've finished figurin' out stuff, I'm already finished doin' it.
Frank: No, Jesse, see *your* problem is you're always doin' stuff before I'm finished figurin' it out.

Jesse James: All right, settle down. Not all this money is ours.
Bob: Uh, well... no Jesse, it's the bank's... see that's why we had to go to all the trouble of stealing it.

Jesse James: Let's go home, back to our farms.
Cole: Platin' corn, harvesting corn... and eatin' corn.
Bob: The corn gonna shoot at me?
Cole: Nope.
Bob: Then I love it.

Frank: Well, she's still talking to Jesus.
Jesse James: You know what worries me? That Jesus is talkin' back!
Ma James: I heard that.

Rollin H Parker: As you no doubt heard from your neighbors, our railroad is moving west...
Jesse James: Well, that makes sense as, see, east would put you under water.

Rollin H Parker: Howdy folks, how are you today.
Cole: Howdy?
Jesse James: Yeah, easterners.

Clell: What'll we do?
Jesse James: Nothin'! You folks are gonna do nothin'! You're gonna go home right now, you too Doc, so you can swear on a Bible that you don't know anything about what's gonna happen tomorrow!
Doc Mimms: Boys...
Jesse James: Doc! Go home. They ain't gonna hang no more Liberty boys.

[last lines]
Zee Mimms: When were you plannin' on telling me?
Jesse James: I just did!
Zee Mimms: Only because I asked!
Jesse James: Damn, am I ever gonna win with you?
Zee Mimms: Don't change the subject!

Zee Mimms: I can't believe I had to blow up a train for you!
Jesse James: Well you are a hell of a woman...
Zee Mimms: Don't swear!

Cole: I'm the better soldier, Jesse!
Jesse James: And I'm the better outlaw!
Jimmy: You both hate the railroad, that's all that matters!

Cole: The one time that one of us comes up with an idea...
Jesse James: A *bad* idea.
Cole: Hey, I got us through the war all right.
Jesse James: And nearly got hanged in peacetime.

Bob: Cole lost his temper.
Frank: Oh no.
Bob: Well, he just lost his temper a little!
Jesse James: How many of 'em did he kill, Bob?

[after Jimmy gets shot]
Cole: Bob, get me some bandages.
Jesse James: And some whiskey, Bob.
Jimmy: Too young for whiskey.
Jesse James: I think this time we'll make an exception, Jim.

[after Jesse blames himself for Jim's death]
Frank: The railroad burned him out, too, you couldn't have stopped him.
Jesse James: You're a piss-poor liar for the smartest man I know.

Jesse James: A war against the railroad... what the hell was I thinking?
Frank: Well, I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Zee Mimms: [while reading a book] Hmm...
Jesse James: "Hmm" what?
Zee Mimms: "But the life of the James gang wasn't all robbing and shooting and killing. For these young Missouri bucks had a taste for the ladies. Especially the handsome and charismatic Jesse James."
Jesse James: I beg your pardon!
Zee Mimms: Blazing Guns of The West: The True Story of Jesse James. Only a dime in the hotel lobby.
Jesse James: Let me see that.
Zee Mimms: Oh, I'm not finished. "When he sauntered into a saloon, his spurs jangling and his pockets full of gold, the ladies flocked around him like flies to a candied apple." As I said... hmm.

[in jail]
Allan Pinkerton: We're moving you tomorrow.
Jesse James: But I like the presidential suite.

Allan Pinkerton: You're not gonna get a fair trial here in front of a jury full of Jesse James sympathizers.
Jesse James: Oh, but I'll get a fair trial with a jury bought off by Thaddeus Reins?
Allan Pinkerton: That's the idea.

Jesse James: I should've just killed Thaddeus Reins.
Allan Pinkerton: That's what I'd have done.
Jesse James: I'm not hanged yet.
Allan Pinkerton: You cocky little bastard.
Jesse James: Oh, you'll miss me.
Allan Pinkerton: No... I'll hang you. But I might miss you a little bit.

Thaddeus Reins: We'll speak again in Washington.
Jesse James: Oh, you're coming on the same train? Well, I'll tell you what, I'm gonna have to pay you a visit.
Thaddeus Reins: Big words.
Jesse James: That's a promise.

Jesse James: If I can get you today, then you damn sure know I can kill you anytime I want now that I'm free. You sleep on that for the next twenty years.

Allan Pinkerton: Tennessee. The railroad has no business in Tennessee, therefore I have no interest in the state of Tennessee.
Jesse James: Thank you.
Allan Pinkerton: I'd just as soon kill you, Jesse James. But chasing you takes up too much of my time.

Zee Mimms: There are certain things that have to wait until after the wedding.
Jesse James: Driver, change of plans. Can you take us to the nearest church, please?

Jesse James: Zee, go home.
Zee Mimms: Who else was there when they hanged the others? You need to know how they do it. Which way they walk up, what order they do things in. And you mess up rescuing Cole because you won't listen to a woman? Then damn you all.
Loni Packwood: [whistles]

Pastor: Now, let's have a drink!
Jesse James: In the church?
Pastor: [pulls out a bottle] Communion!

Jesse James: Hey Doc, I was wonderin' if, eh, later this evening I could come by?
Doc Mimms: You're always welcome here, Jesse.
Jesse James: Yeah, I know, Doc, but well, I was thinking maybe I could come by and take Zee out. Some place near, with other folk. Near here, but...
[clears throat]
Jesse James: Out.
Doc Mimms: That's fine by me, Jesse.
Frank: [with a grin] Oh, no worries, sir, I'll make sure they're properly chaperoned!
Doc Mimms: Why that hadn't even occurred to me, Frank. I am deeply in your debt.


The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (2007)
Jesse James: Don't tell me what I can and can not do, Ed.

Jesse James: [Bob walks in on Jesse in the bath] Go away.
Robert Ford: Used to be nobody could sneak up on Jesse James.
Jesse James: Now you think otherwise?
Robert Ford: I ain't never seen you without your guns, neither.
[Jesse removes a towel, revealing his gun]
Jesse James: [pause] Can't figure it out: do you want to be like me or do you want to BE me?
Robert Ford: [defeated] I'm just making fun is all.

Jesse James: Give me some more conversations, Bob.
Charley Ford: I got one. This one's about as crackerjack.
Jesse James: Let Bob tell it.
Robert Ford: I don't even know what you're talking about.
Charley Ford: About how much you and Jesse have in common.
Jesse James: Go on, Bob.
Charley Ford: Tell a story.
Robert Ford: Nope. Nope.
Charley Ford: Entertain Jesse. He's here.
Robert Ford: Well, if you'll pardon my saying so, I guess it is interesting, the many ways you and I overlap and whatnot. You begin with our Daddies. Your daddy was a pastor of the New Hope Baptist Church; my daddy was a pastor of a church at Excelsior Springs. Um. You're the youngest of the three James boys; I'm the youngest of the five Ford boys. Between Charley and me, is another brother, Wilbur here, with six letters in his name; between Frank and you was a brother, Robert, also with six letters. Robert is my Christian name. You have blue eyes; I have blue eyes. You're five feet eight inches tall. I'm five feet eight inches tall. Oh me, I must've had a list as long as your nightshirt when I was twelve, but I've lost some curiosities over the years.
Jesse James: [stares at Bob for a long time, smiles] Ain't he something?

Jesse James: Go back to bed.
Robert Ford: I got to use the privy.
Jesse James: You think you do, but you don't.

Jesse James: Look at my red hands and my mean face... and I wonder 'bout that man that's gone so wrong.

Jesse James: [last words] Don't that picture look dusty?

Jesse James: You ever consider suicide?
Charley Ford: Can't say that I have. There was always something else I wanted to do. Or my predicaments changed or I saw my hardships from a different slant; you know all what can happen. It never seemed respectable.
Jesse James: I'll tell you one thing that's certain; you won't fight dying once you've peeked over to the other side; you'll no more want to go back to your body than you'd want to spoon up your own puke.
Charley Ford: [long pause] Since we're looking to rob banks, I was wondering if I could go as far as to recommend we add another feller to the gang and sort of see if we couldn't come out of our next job alive. Bob wanted to know could he ride with us next time we took on a savings bank or a-
[Jesse fires his gun into a frozen lake]
Charley Ford: A savings bank or-
[Jesse fires again]
Charley Ford: A railroad.
[Jesse fires once more]
Charley Ford: Bob isn't much more than a boy to most appearances, but there's about two tons of sand in him and he'll stand with his shooter when that's what's called for. And he's smart too-he's about as intricate as they come.
Jesse James: You're forgetting that I've already met the kid.
Charley Ford: He surely thinks highly of you.
Jesse James: All American thinks highly of me.
Charley Ford: Still. It's not like you've got two million names you can snatch out of a sock whenever you need a third man.
Jesse James: I can see you're trying to wear me down on this.
Charley Ford: [smiles] That was my main intention.

Jesse James: [to Bob] You're gonna break a lot of hearts.

Jesse James: [Jesse has given Bob a gun as a gift] You know what John Newman Edwards once wrote about me? He said I didn't trust two men in ten thousand and was even cautious around them. The government's sort of run me ragged. I'm going the long way around the barn to say I've been feeling cornered and just plain ornery of late and I'd be pleased if you'd accept the gun as my way of apologizing.
Robert Ford: Heaven knows I'd be ornerier if I were in your position.
Jesse James: No. I haven't been acting correctly. I can't hardly recognize myself sometimes when I'm greased. I go on journeys out of my body and look at my red hands and my mean face and I wonder about that man who's gone so wrong. I've been becoming a problem to myself.

Jesse James: You know I'm real comfortable with your brother. Hell, he's ugly as sin and he smells like a skunk and he's so ignorant he couldn't drive nails in the snow, but he's sort of easy to be around. I can't say the same for you, Bob.
Robert Ford: I'm sorry to hear you say that.
Jesse James: [pause] You know how it is when you're with your girlfriend and the moon is out and you know she wants to be kissed even though she never said so?
Robert Ford: Yeah.
Jesse James: You're giving me signs that grieve my soul and make me wonder if maybe your mind's been changed about me.
Robert Ford: What do you want me to do? Swear my good faith on the Bible?

Jesse James: [motioning to Bob] Sit over here closer, Kid.
[begins massaging Bob's neck]
Jesse James: Charley, you'll stay with the animals. Me and The Kid will walk into the bank just before noon. Bob will move the cashier away from the shotgun that's under the counter and I'll creep up behind that cashier and cock his chin back like so...
[snaps Bob's head back, sticks a knife to his throat]
Jesse James: I'll say 'How come an off-scouring of creation like you is still sucking air when so many of mine are in coffins?' I'll say 'How'd you reach your twentieth birthday without leaking out all over your clothes?' And if I don't like his attitude, I'll slit that phildoodle so deep he'll flop on the floor like a fish.
[Jesse let's Bob go, begins to laugh hysterically]
Jesse James: My God, what just happened? I could hear your gears grinding- rrr,rrr,rrr-and your little motor wondering, 'My Gosh, what's next, what's happening to me?' You were precious to behold, Bob. You were white as spit in a cotton field!

Jesse James: Yeah, just ain't no peace with old Jesse around. You ought to pity my poor wife.

Jesse James: Did I ever mention that scalawag George Shepherd? George was one of Quantrill's lieutenants and he gave me a story like Bob's, is why I thought of him, giving me everything we had in common and so on, just so he could join the gang. How could I know he had a grudge against me and was lying to get on my good side? I said 'Come aboard, George. Glad to have ya,'. George thought he was smart. 'Cept he wasn't. He rode into camp one morning and about twenty guns opened up on him.
[laughs]
Jesse James: But he only had one eye- and you need two eyes to get Jesse.
Robert Ford: You oughn't think of me like you do George Shepherd.
Jesse James: You brought him to mind.
Robert Ford: It's not very flattering.
Jesse James: [ignoring him] Sure is good eating, Martha.
Martha Bolton: Well, I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
Robert Ford: How come George had a grudge against you?
Jesse James: Hmm?
Robert Ford: I said "How come George had a grudge against you?"
Jesse James: Oh. George asked me to protect this nephew of his during the war and it so happens the kid had five thousand dollars on him. The kid winds up killed, and all the money swiped from him, and when George was in prison someone whispers to him it was Jesse James slit the boy's throat.
Charley Ford: Just mean gossip, was it?
Jesse James: Bob's the expert; let's put it to him.
[Bob stands up abruptly, pouting]
Jesse James: Oh dear, I've made him cranky.
Robert Ford: I'm not cranky. I've been through this before, is all. Once people get around to making fun of me, they just don't ever let up.

Robert Ford: I can't believe I woke up this morning wondering if my Daddy would loan me his overcoat, and here it is just past midnight and I've already robbed a railroad train and I'm sitting in a rocking chair chatting with none other than Jesse James.
Jesse James: Yeah, it's a wonderful world.
Robert Ford: [reaches into his pocket and removes a newspaper clipping] Oh, what's this? I was real agitated this morning, wondering if I'd be able to tell you and Frank apart. So I had the clipping that described you both. You want me to read it?
Jesse James: Go on.
Robert Ford: Well, I gotta find... here. 'Jesse James, the youngest, has a face as smooth and innocent as a schoolgirl. The blue eyes, very clear and penetrating, are never at rest. His form is tall and graceful and capable of great endurance and great effort. Jesse is lighthearted, reckless, and devil-may-care. There is always a smile on his lips-'
Jesse James: All right, all right.
Robert Ford: Well, yeah. Then it's 'Frank, Frank, Frank... ' You know what I've got right next to my bed? The Train Robbers, or a story of the James Boys, by R.W. Stevens. Many's the night I've stayed up with my mouth opens and my eyes open, reading about your escapades in the Wide Awake Library.
Jesse James: They're all lies, you know.
Robert Ford: 'Course they are.

Jesse James: [indicating Frank] My brother and me are hardly on speaking terms these days.
Robert Ford: I wasn't going to mention it.
Jesse James: [pulls two snakes out of a box, startling Bob] You scared?
Robert Ford: Just surprised a little.
Jesse James: They aren't as succulent as I like and they're the devil to clean but if a man skins them and fries them in garlic and oil-mercy, thems good eating.
Robert Ford: Well, I've never been that hungry.
Jesse James: I give them names.
Robert Ford: Such as?
Jesse James: Such as enemies. I give them the names of enemies.
[cuts their heads off with a knife]

Jesse James: Well, Charley, did you hurt your leg?
Charley Ford: Yeah, I slipped... I slipped off the roof and I smacked down into a snow bank, like a ton of stupidness. One second I'm screamin', "Woah Nelly!", Next second, poof, I'm neck-deep in snow!
Jesse James: Well, whatever possessed you to climb a roof in December?
Charley Ford: There was a k - a kite. What am I saying? There was a cat, a cat! It was on the roof and I went after him. It was a tomcat yowling and what all, and I slipped.
Jesse James: I thought maybe your club foot was gaining on you!

Jesse James: You ever count the stars? I can't ever get the same number, they keep changin' on me.
Ed Miller: I don't even know what a star is, exactly...
Jesse James: Well, your body knows, it's your mind that forgot.

Jesse James: I'll tell you one things that's for certain... you won't minddying once you've peeked over the other side. You'll no more wanna go back to your body than... you'd wanna soon up your own puke.

Robert Ford: Your brother Frank and I just had a real nice visit. Chit-chattin about this and that. There must have been a hundred subjects we entertained...
Jesse James: [interrupting] Good lord, you know what this stew needs?
Robert Ford: [hesitating] ... dumplings?
Jesse James: Noodles! You get yourself some noodle stew, your clock'll tick all night!
[Bob nervously smiles]
Jesse James: You ever see that woman up in Fayette, can suck noodles up 'er nose? In Fayette?
Robert Ford: No. I don't believe I have.
Jesse James: Never heard of her? Huh? She got canals up there you never dreamed of.


"The Twilight Zone: Showdown with Rance McGrew (#3.20)" (1962)
Jesse James: [Mocking Rance McGrew] Just like I figured. This guy couldn't outdraw a crayon.

Jesse James: We may be stiffs up there, but we're sensitive.

Jesse James: I've been looking over next week's script where you knock the gun out of Billy the Kid's hand from 4 stories up, half a block away, with a lamp.
Rance McGrew: No good, huh?

Rance McGrew: Last year we had a script where one of the Dalton boys got away.
Jesse James: I know, he TOLD me.
Rance McGrew: Oh.


Jesse James (1939)
Engineer: What you aimin' to do, pardner?
Jesse Woodson James: I ain't aimin' to do nuthin'. I'm doin' it. I'm holdin' up this train.
Engineer: The whole train?

Zerelda 'Zee' Cobb, later Zerelda 'Zee' James: If I could just think of some way to let you know how wrong you are.
Jesse Woodson James: No use, honey. It's just like I always told you: I hate the railroads... and when I hate, I've gotta do somethin' about it.
Major Rufus Cobb: That's the stuff! People ain't hating nowadays like they used to. They gettin' soft. I got to admit that I like a man that hauls off and hates good and hard. It's the lawyers - gol-dang it - it's the lawyers are messin' up the whole world! Why ten years ago, here in Liberty, we didn't have no lawyers and we got along fine. Man killed somebody, then somebody killed him, and the marshal shot 'em all and that was the end of it. But, look at it today: right here in Liberty we got hundreds of lawyers, thousands of 'em, as far as the eye can see: nothing but lawyers!
Zerelda 'Zee' Cobb, later Zerelda 'Zee' James: Uncle Rufe, there are only TWO lawyers in Liberty.
Major Rufus Cobb: Huh? Two? Is that all? Then they run around too much. Gol-dang it, I'm gonna write me an editorial about that.
Major Rufus Cobb: [he goes out into the newspaper office] Roy!
Roy: Yes, sir?
Major Rufus Cobb: Take an editorial on lawyers.
Roy: Liars?
Major Rufus Cobb: That'll do. We'll begin easy.
[he begins to dictate]
Major Rufus Cobb: Paragraph: If we are ever to have law and order in the West, the first thing we gotta do is take out all the lawyers and shoot 'em down like dogs.

[Jesse and Zee have come to the church to get married - the minister and the congregation react when he says he's Jesse James]
Jesse Woodson James: We don't want no trouble.
Minister: Trouble? Why, son, you're as welcome as rain to the flowers. Do you realize, boy, that I had a farm giving nine hundred bushels of corn... until that railroad had taken it from me? Why, I'd given up preaching... and was making an honest living off of the land, until that dad-swinged railroad swindled me out of my own home. By golly, son, do you know I had a big house... two barns... three outhouses... until that gold-danged railroad hornswoggled me!


Jesse James Rides Again (1947)
Steve Lane: You gotta clear out of here fast! There's a posse coming to take you in for the Northfield job.
Jesse James: The Northfield job? I didn't know about it until I got this paper. Won't they let a man be honest?
Steve Lane: Not if the man is Jesse James.

[looking at a wanted poster]
Jesse James: We've got to keep moving. The law has a long reach.

Jesse James: [In Chapter 5] Are you one of the men who killed me?


The Great Northfield Minnesota Raid (1972)
Jesse James: I can't think of one, can you? I've searched back through the crannies of my mind. I can't think of one single honest man we ever robbed.
Frank James: 'Cause we robbed the robbers, that's why. Just the railroads, the banks, all the damned plughats.
Jesse James: Talk about givin' us amnesty. Hell, it's up to us to give amnesty to them.

Jesse James: We'll make this smug Yankee town weep, or we'll blow it to kingdom come!
Cole Younger: No, we ain't either, Jesse. Only a fool smokes up a town when it ain't necessary.


"MacGyver: MacGyver's Women (#6.8)" (1990)
Jesse James: [hearing that MacGyver carriers no gun] Is he gutless, or simple-minded?

Jesse James: You owe me, Kate! Who kept you fed and clean? Put shoes on your feet?
Police Lt. Kate Murphy: You could be talkin' about your horse.


The Last Days of Frank and Jesse James (1986) (TV)
Frank James: What's so funny?
Jesse James: You, ya jack ass.

Jesse James: Everybody wants to get robbed by Jesse James.


The Long Riders (1980)
[Jesse is meeting with the Ford Brothers]
Jesse James: It ain't straight.
Robert Ford: What?
Jesse James: That sampler; it ain't straight
[turns his back on the Fords]
Robert Ford: [pulls his gun] I shot Jesse James.
[shoots Jesse in the back]

Jim Younger: [before the Northfield Raid] Maybe we need to send a couple of people down there and look things over before we just ride in there.
Jesse James: Clell's already scouted it out. What's wrong with you, Jim? Talkin' soft is something I'd expect from Cole or Frank.
Cole Younger: I gave up tryin' to talk sense to you a long time ago, Jesse.


Hell's Crossroads (1957)
Jesse James: Frank, Bob, on your way. Cole, take your time.
Cole Younger: All right, Jess.
Jesse James: Shall we drift?
Vic Rodell: Why not?


Jesse James at Bay (1941)
Jesse James: [as Clint Burns to Krager] It;s a deal. You furnish the cash, and I'll furnish the trouble.


"Yancy Derringer: Outlaw at Liberty (#1.30)" (1959)
Jesse James: All right, we're goin' into Liberty.
Blackjack: But there's only seven of us.
Jesse James: And there's only three of them!


The Outlaws Is Coming (1965)
Jesse James: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fastest gun of all?
Narrator: Jesse James, you was best, til this new boy came out west.
Jesse James: That's a lie!
[shoots mirror]


Suburban Madness (2004) (TV)
Bobbi Bacha: The casserole is in the oven
Jesse James: Let's brown it!


Badman's Territory (1946)
Sheriff Mark Rowley: [as Jesse is saddlig up] Well, I hope we meet again.
Jesse James: [Smiling] I don't. So long, Rowley.
Sheriff Mark Rowley: So long.


Frank & Jesse (1995)
Frank James: What's your plan?
Jesse James: I'm going to find that painted horse and kill that son of a bitch sitting on its backside. That's my plan.


The Great Jesse James Raid (1953)
Jesse James: [to Johnny Dorette] What do you see out there. Johnny? Yesterday or tomorrow?